Shadows of Fire
*Chapter 11*
Why do I miss the light? I've existed in darkness so long.
I can hardly remember any other life. My human life was so short.
Dwelling in the dark is the only way.
I'll never step into the light. No matter how much I may dream of it.
Being with her is close though. There's no other creature like Buffy.
I've seen everything of her. Her darkness and her light.
I hunger for her and crave everything she stands for.
Many have refused to accept all of her. Friends, family, lovers...
She is rather complex. She herself doesn't even realize how truly special she is.
She deserves better than me. I'll never be worthy of her. Nothing I do will be enough.
She'll never comprehend the changes I've made. I don't even think I do…
I'm different now.
She does see that. Almost made my heart beat again when she said it.
But she won't move beyond that. It was more than I ever expected, so I'm not pushing.
But, selfish monster that I am, I want more.
This is a nightmare.
I'd like to wake up now.
The battle is near. The stage has been set. The players are ready.
The spell went as planned and the First Slayer's spirit is no longer with Buffy.
And from what I can tell from the discussion going on inside,
The First Slayer is going to fight.
I've found the hiding place of the First Evil. The cemetery is our battleground.
No surprise there, it's a place of death and evil in this town. Perfect home for It.
The meeting seems to be over. I can hear them all moving around, preparing.
Gathering weapons. Last minute instructions being given.
Andrew is keeping the morale of the group high with his babble and strange humor.
I could hear everything that was said, vampire hearing is always useful,
But I would have preferred to be in there, instead of out here on the back porch.
I expected the girls to be uneasy around me after…
But I had hoped they would understand that wasn't me. I wasn't in control.
But they saw what is in me. My true face.
It hurts that the trust is gone. It was hardly there to begin with.
I wish they didn't matter to me. That I wouldn't care what happens to them.
That I wouldn't die to save them.
But I do and I will.
I've no idea how many cigarettes I have smoked but I'm running low.
I need something to do. All this thinking is dangerous.
Buffy comes to my rescue, yet again.
She comes out carrying two coffee mugs. And from the smell, it's hot chocolate.
I smile at her and take the offered drink.
"Thanks." She nods her head and sits down on the steps.
We sit silently drinking while the little soldiers run around inside.
A dog barks about three houses down,
A car speeds by in front, probably heading out of town.
There's a radio playing next door, soft rock of some kind.
"Spike?" She quietly says.
"Yeah?"
She chews her lip and tugs on her collar.
"Umm…"
I used to believe I knew what she was thinking.
I could read her like no one else. Knew what she really wanted, what she was feeling.
What she hid from everyone else. And I understood why, at least sometimes I did.
But I don't have that insight now.
I have no idea what she's thinking,
What she wants.
Not one bloody clue.
"I want to dance."
I stare at her. Not sure how to take that.
She has her head lowered and she is looking up at me in question.
She looks shy. And maybe slightly embarrassed.
I hear the music and understand what she means.
"Uh, ok then." I get up from the steps and extend my hand to her,
"Buffy, may I have this dance?"
She smiles in answer, takes my hand and gracefully rises.
We start a slow comfortable dance.
We don't fumble with our hands,
She has one on my shoulder and the other in my hand.
I have my other on her waist.
"You mean so much to me." Buffy gently says.
She doesn't use words well; I haven't either.
Unless they're yeilded as weapons...
There've been many things that I wish I could take back.
I don't know if she feels the same way…
She's looking directly at me, letting me know she means it.
The walls are crumbling.
The truth can be painful though.
I don't know if I want to hear more.
She moves closer to me and brings her hand to my face.
I drop my hand to her hip.
"You know that, don't you?"
"Buffy…"
"Even with everything we've done to each other…" She continues.
She seems sad and unsure of what she's saying.
And I have nothing to say.
She knows everything about me. I don't hide my feelings. Not very well anyway…
"I don't know if we can make it right. We don't have enough time…"
Never enough.
I'm not enough for her. She can't give me enough of herself. And there's no time.
"You were wrong. Before. You aren't a monster, I know monsters."
Does she even know what she's saying?
I've tried to be a man. I never will be. It isn't possible.
But I'm no longer a monster…
What have I become?
"You were also wrong about… me… never…"
She trails off. I remember my speech. I didn't think she did.
Feels like it was more than a few lifetimes ago.
"I haven't forgotten. Everything you've done. For me. For Dawn. For everyone."
She's been stroking my cheek the entire time but I haven't noticed until now.
She leans in.
We're still dancing.
She kisses like someone who has learned there isn't any time to waste.
It feels like she wants to kiss me back to life.
I never thought I'd feel this way ever again.
Every moment with her is one where I could die happy.
Every touch is heaven.
She takes my hand and we sit down on the steps again.
The silence is welcomed.
Words aren't needed.
~
*Chapter 11*
Why do I miss the light? I've existed in darkness so long.
I can hardly remember any other life. My human life was so short.
Dwelling in the dark is the only way.
I'll never step into the light. No matter how much I may dream of it.
Being with her is close though. There's no other creature like Buffy.
I've seen everything of her. Her darkness and her light.
I hunger for her and crave everything she stands for.
Many have refused to accept all of her. Friends, family, lovers...
She is rather complex. She herself doesn't even realize how truly special she is.
She deserves better than me. I'll never be worthy of her. Nothing I do will be enough.
She'll never comprehend the changes I've made. I don't even think I do…
I'm different now.
She does see that. Almost made my heart beat again when she said it.
But she won't move beyond that. It was more than I ever expected, so I'm not pushing.
But, selfish monster that I am, I want more.
This is a nightmare.
I'd like to wake up now.
The battle is near. The stage has been set. The players are ready.
The spell went as planned and the First Slayer's spirit is no longer with Buffy.
And from what I can tell from the discussion going on inside,
The First Slayer is going to fight.
I've found the hiding place of the First Evil. The cemetery is our battleground.
No surprise there, it's a place of death and evil in this town. Perfect home for It.
The meeting seems to be over. I can hear them all moving around, preparing.
Gathering weapons. Last minute instructions being given.
Andrew is keeping the morale of the group high with his babble and strange humor.
I could hear everything that was said, vampire hearing is always useful,
But I would have preferred to be in there, instead of out here on the back porch.
I expected the girls to be uneasy around me after…
But I had hoped they would understand that wasn't me. I wasn't in control.
But they saw what is in me. My true face.
It hurts that the trust is gone. It was hardly there to begin with.
I wish they didn't matter to me. That I wouldn't care what happens to them.
That I wouldn't die to save them.
But I do and I will.
I've no idea how many cigarettes I have smoked but I'm running low.
I need something to do. All this thinking is dangerous.
Buffy comes to my rescue, yet again.
She comes out carrying two coffee mugs. And from the smell, it's hot chocolate.
I smile at her and take the offered drink.
"Thanks." She nods her head and sits down on the steps.
We sit silently drinking while the little soldiers run around inside.
A dog barks about three houses down,
A car speeds by in front, probably heading out of town.
There's a radio playing next door, soft rock of some kind.
"Spike?" She quietly says.
"Yeah?"
She chews her lip and tugs on her collar.
"Umm…"
I used to believe I knew what she was thinking.
I could read her like no one else. Knew what she really wanted, what she was feeling.
What she hid from everyone else. And I understood why, at least sometimes I did.
But I don't have that insight now.
I have no idea what she's thinking,
What she wants.
Not one bloody clue.
"I want to dance."
I stare at her. Not sure how to take that.
She has her head lowered and she is looking up at me in question.
She looks shy. And maybe slightly embarrassed.
I hear the music and understand what she means.
"Uh, ok then." I get up from the steps and extend my hand to her,
"Buffy, may I have this dance?"
She smiles in answer, takes my hand and gracefully rises.
We start a slow comfortable dance.
We don't fumble with our hands,
She has one on my shoulder and the other in my hand.
I have my other on her waist.
"You mean so much to me." Buffy gently says.
She doesn't use words well; I haven't either.
Unless they're yeilded as weapons...
There've been many things that I wish I could take back.
I don't know if she feels the same way…
She's looking directly at me, letting me know she means it.
The walls are crumbling.
The truth can be painful though.
I don't know if I want to hear more.
She moves closer to me and brings her hand to my face.
I drop my hand to her hip.
"You know that, don't you?"
"Buffy…"
"Even with everything we've done to each other…" She continues.
She seems sad and unsure of what she's saying.
And I have nothing to say.
She knows everything about me. I don't hide my feelings. Not very well anyway…
"I don't know if we can make it right. We don't have enough time…"
Never enough.
I'm not enough for her. She can't give me enough of herself. And there's no time.
"You were wrong. Before. You aren't a monster, I know monsters."
Does she even know what she's saying?
I've tried to be a man. I never will be. It isn't possible.
But I'm no longer a monster…
What have I become?
"You were also wrong about… me… never…"
She trails off. I remember my speech. I didn't think she did.
Feels like it was more than a few lifetimes ago.
"I haven't forgotten. Everything you've done. For me. For Dawn. For everyone."
She's been stroking my cheek the entire time but I haven't noticed until now.
She leans in.
We're still dancing.
She kisses like someone who has learned there isn't any time to waste.
It feels like she wants to kiss me back to life.
I never thought I'd feel this way ever again.
Every moment with her is one where I could die happy.
Every touch is heaven.
She takes my hand and we sit down on the steps again.
The silence is welcomed.
Words aren't needed.
~