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E V A N G E L I O N + U N P L U G G E D
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By RENEGADE: renegade_y2j@hotmail.com
ACT 04: IF ONLY COLONEL SAUNDERS COULD SEE US NOW
Similarly to the window of a car owned by an egg-toting scumbag, the story began to wind down.
"I don't see why I have to be here," Asuka said loudly, standing in the middle of the hospital foyer with her hands on her hips.
"Well… you were the one that did it, Asuka," Shinji pointed out mildly. Touji, who insisted that he back his friend up in the event of a 'Red Alert', accompanied him. Kensuke had gone to 'take care of a few things… and to have a particular *thing* taken care of' and neither Shinji nor Touji could face him at the moment anyway. Hikari was also with them as Class Rep – high school's form of parole officer, Asuka's in this case.
"All right, but he did deserve it," the redhead pouted. "Did you see the way he was strutting around? It looked like someone'd sharpened a pencil in his anus."
"Let's just let it go for now, Asuka," Shinji said carefully. "You're already as controversial as a viral bomb in a daycare center."
Asuka glanced over to Touji, who was standing off to one side, mumbling sulkily to himself. "Damn Kensuke… he thinks he's so much better than me… I'll show him… I'll show them all…"
"Touji?" Shinji ventured.
"I'm not Akira!" the jock roared at him furiously. The walls suddenly splintered dangerously. Cracks snaked their way up them with a rumbling sound and the building groaned ominously.
"Wonderful," Asuka snorted. "I can almost hear the Stooge's brain cell sobbing out of sheer loneliness."
Shinji sighed. Could this day get much worse? Of course it can, he reflected sarcastically. It's Misato's turn to cook tonight. The Third Child reflected glumly back to the last time Misato had prepared her trademark meal – curry. He'd spent the evening chasing his trousers around the room.
The Class Rep nodded and moved to the reception desk. "We're here to see Derek Croft, please."
"Second floor, room B-12," the receptionist replied after typing for a moment. "Please keep the psychic boy under control."
"Thank you," Hikari smiled, then turned to her friends. "Touji!" she snapped. "Stop babbling and get those tentacles to go back into your arse!"
The four of them crammed into the elevator and waited patiently as it began its ascent.
* * *
Kensuke carefully lined up his cannon in the direction of the People's Choice Film Studios and grinned at the thought of making another hard-earned buck. The cannon thing was his actor trademark – every film he made from now on would feature him being blasted through the window and straight into action.
He had never been in a long-term relationship before (well, apart his nightly affairs with Mrs. Rosie Palm and her five daughters) and now he could safely say that with a porn star career firmly, as they say, in hand, he would never need one.
He clambered into the barrel and prepared for launch.
* * *
As Shinji, Asuka, Touji and Hikari walked through the door to DJ Croft's hospital room, they saw that the doctor was already there, speaking to a nurse.
"Well, one of his testicles has receded for good," the man was saying. "But we managed to save the other one… sort of." The doctor noticed the foursome and smiled at them in a friendly way. "Oh… are you the students from the high school I was told were coming?"
"Yes, I'm Hikari Horaki, the Class Representative," Hikari smiled.
"Nice to meet someone polite," the doctor commented before jerking his thumb at DJ. "This guy kept flirting with my nurses until we gave him a Valium overdose."
"You have no idea how sad it is coming from someone with no balls," the nurse added absently, scribbling on a clipboard.
As the doctor and children were talking, DJ groaned and opened his bleary eyes, unseen to anyone else. His gaze came to rest on a glass of water, to which he gratefully reached out his hand. He swallowed thirstily but suddenly felt something stick in his throat.
DJ began to gag.
"Doctor!" the nurse shrieked, pointing.
"Jesus," the doctor grunted, hurrying around behind DJ and applying the Heimlich maneuver. He glared at the nurse. "You kept it in a glass?"
"Sorry," the nurse said, embarrassed.
The Croft boy coughed violently and spat something across the room.
The doctor saw this, and allowing DJ to flop back onto the bed with a groan, he grabbed the nurse by the arm and hissed, "For God's sake, find that thing and get it in some ice before it dissolves!"
"I guess we can kiss goodbye to the Croft gene pool," observed Touji.
"It could have used some decontamination anyway," replied Asuka tartly. "But we've got other things to worry about now. Shinji?"
"Yeah," the boy acknowledged her morosely and turned to their companions. "We've got some tests to do with Doctor Akagi, and we have to report in to tell her about our money-making progress."
"We'll walk with you to NERV," Hikari volunteered.
As the students filed out, DJ Croft slowly regained consciousness once again. He blinked as a nurse entered the room and grinning, opened his mouth.
"Save it, kid, I'm married," the nurse ordered before he could say so much as a word. "I just came to tell you, however, that there is a very… feminine person here to see you."
DJ smirked smugly and casually waved an arm. "Please, show her in."
"Of course," the nurse answered, and DJ noted curiously that her voice carried the same note of smugness as his own.
A slim, pale figure slipped into the room, smiling softly. DJ's cocky grin vanished quicker than an Australian cricketer at a drug test. "Wha… wha… wha…" he stammered, terrified.
"Hello, DJ Croft," greeted Kaworu in his gentle voice. "I have heard many… interesting rumours about you."
"N… n…" babbled DJ, the blood draining from his face.
Kaworu glided across the room and slipped comfortably under the sheets before turning to face the bed's other occupant. "DJ…" Kaworu cooed.
"Bwaah!" shrieked DJ, scrabbling to get away. Kaworu gently flicked away the button that would summon the nurse.
"Don't be shy, DJ," Kaworu soothed. "I've brought some friends."
A terrible sinking feeling settled in DJ's stomach when he saw the row of sheep file into the hospital room with a hungry look in their eyes.
"We want this to go on as long as possible," Kaworu commented.
"No!" screamed DJ.
"Yes," corrected Kaworu. "So delay… release for as long as you can. Think of John Howard and Osama bin Laden French kissing. All right?"
DJ threw up over the side of the bed.
"That's with tongues," Kaworu added unnecessarily.
DJ threw up again.
"Now just relax," commanded Kaworu, nodding to the first five sheep…
* * *
Rei gazed about, diligently noting the endless ice cliffs, the howling wind, raging snowstorm, and the fact that it was eight hundred degrees below zero.
"It is cold," she murmured to herself and noted that the Commander would not be very happy about her being in Iceland.
When the helicopter landed, she had exited the box and wandered a few steps. Three seconds later she was hopelessly lost in the blizzard.
And now, a little confused and chilly, but nonetheless unperturbed, Rei calculated the best course of action. Estimating the direction to NERV, Rei blinked once and started walking.
Rei had never been one for holding human contact very high on her 'to do' list but she realised the necessity of it when she noticed a figure materialize out of the blizzard, wandering absently towards her.
As the figure got closer, she was able to take in some details. The silver jumpsuit, sunglasses, sideburns and slicked hair accented the guitar strapped to his back and drew attention away from his slight paunch. But it was the blue suede shoes that Rei noticed first.
"Excuse me," she stated softly in a voice barely heard above the wind.
"Hey, baby," the stranger nodded. "Want a hamburger? Meal fit for a King."
Rei shook her head politely. "Which way is it to the nearest civilized area?"
"Hmm." The tall man absently rubbed his clean-shaven chin. "Well, ah do remember passin' a scientific research base or some such a little way back. Maybe that's what yore after."
Rei nodded. "Thank you."
"Where're you from, honey?"
"Nothingness. I arose from the void within my own heart, fearing and loathing that which cannot be undone and yet yearns to be free from within the recesses of my own borrowed soul. I long for the hour when I may sleep alone in the blackness once again," stated Rei.
The stranger nodded knowledgeably and chuckled. "Yeah, how 'bout that LSD, huh? Ah'm from Graceland, mahself. What're you doin' in Iceland, then?"
"I do not know."
"Yeah," grumbled the stranger. "Funny how that happens, huh? Well, ah'm out of here. Good luck to you."
"Yes. Good luck to you, too."
"Uh-huh-huh. Thangyouverymuch."
* * *
"Okay," Ritsuko stated, making a tick on her clipboard. "Now, Shinji, take off your pants."
The Third Child blanched. "But we're in the middle of the lunch room!"
"Do it!" roared the scientist, making everyone in the room turn to look.
Blushing, Shinji slowly slid off his trousers. Asuka and Misato stood nearby, snickering.
"Right," Ritsuko nodded. "Now come on."
The scientist, followed by Shinji, Asuka and Misato (who was holding Pen-Pen), marched down the sterile corridors of NERV, technicians pausing in their work every now and again to wonder why the Ikari boy wasn't wearing any trousers.
"Ever since my office was moved, I've been having a bit of trouble finding the way," Ritsuko apologised. "Ah… here we are."
She pushed open the door and they all peered inside the room.
Makoto Hyuga, Shigeru Aoba and Ryouji Kaji were there, wearing nothing but animal-skin loincloths. They were smeared from head to toe in red and blue warpaint and holding ceremonial staffs. They seemed to be dancing around a makeshift campfire in the middle of the room, singing wildly. They stopped and looked up guiltily at their unexpected visitors.
Ritsuko held their stares for a long moment before quietly closing the door once more, and turned to her companions. "I think," she said carefully, "that it was the wrong door, actually."
"Could this be the one?" asked Asuka innocently. "The one with DOCTOR RITSUKO AKAGI stenciled over it in gigantic, blood-red lettering, in a dozen languages?"
Ritsuko booted open the door to her office, supafly-style.
"Oh, Semmm-pai!"
"Great," grumbled Misato. "Here comes the chirping sparrow with a sugar high and a death wish."
Indeed, Maya poked her head around the corner of the office, smiling innocently.
Ritsuko ignored her, marching into the office and surveying it with a smile.
"Maya!" she snapped.
"Sempai?" Maya said sweetly, running a finger down her arm.
"It looks like someone's filled the office with televisions, all showing pornography," Ritsuko growled crossly. "Get them all out of here. Also, take down those C-3PO and Tellytubbies posters and turn the music off. I hate kd lang."
"Of course, Sempai," Maya said sulkily. "Anything else?"
"Yes," Ritsuko stated. "Go away."
After a grumbling Maya had left, Ritsuko planted herself down in her favourite swivel chair and put on her glasses, specifically so that she could peer at Misato over the top of them.
"Well?" the blonde woman demanded. "What progress have you had making money?"
"Oh, we've been doing great, haven't we, guys?" Misato replied cheerfully, ruffling the two pilots' hair. "Asuka, you got a job, didn't you? Where are you wor –"
"No I didn't!" screamed Asuka, yanking back. "I hate Burger King!"
Misato pondered this strange revelation. "All right," she said carefully. "But what does Burger King have to do with –"
"NOTHING!!"
The Major wiped the spittle from her eye and turned to the still-pantless Third Child, who looked like he was trying to fold himself up so small he'd fit into an extra-dimensional plane. "Well, I know you got a job, Shinji, because I heard you talking on the phone about… hmm… what was it… 'coke'?"
"Cake," Shinji corrected her quickly, then slapped his hand over his eyes. "I'm… I'm a nude cake dancer," he told them in a weak voice.
"Wow," Misato said, impressed.
Ritsuko nodded sternly. "Well done, Shinji," she congratulated. "You're the only responsible one here."
Asuka went purple but bit her rage back. She would never reveal the terrible secret of her employment.
"So," Ritsuko continued conversationally, crossing her legs and leaning back. "Want to hang out with me and the MAGI? I just upgraded them."
"No thanks, Ritsu," Misato declined with a sweet smile. Nerds, she growled inwardly. Can't live with 'em… can't slit their throats, cut their bodies up into pieces and hide them in the walls. Yet.
Doctor Akagi looked crestfallen. "Are you sure? I can show you some of the new features of the OS."
"No," Misato said gently, yet oh-so-firmly.
"Please?" Ritsuko begged desperately, hanging on to Misato's arm. "It'll be really cool!"
"No!" Misato frantically tried to pry the scientist free but could not succeed.
"I'm telling Gendo," Ritsuko said airily, and turned to leave.
Katsuragi groaned. "Oh, all right. Show us."
Ritsuko spun with glee. "Come on, then!"
She all but dragged them back down the winding corridors until they arrived at Central Dogma and the three MAGI supercomputers.
"MAGI, coffee!" commanded Ritsuko, snatching up the caffeine-rich substance as it emerged from the depths of the supercomputers. "Now," she said matter-of-factly, firing up her terminal and sipping her drink. "I'll show you the new emergency locator. It can pinpoint the exact location of just about anyone."
"That's convenient."
"Name someone."
"Kaji," said Misato.
Ritsuko typed a few commands and sat back smugly as the MAGI whirred, beeped and generally just computed.
"Aha," Ritsuko said knowledgeably. "Ryouji Kaji's current location is…" she frowned. "Mario's All-You-Can-Screw Love Palace."
"Yeah, sure," laughed Misato. "Whatever."
"Hmm." Ritsuko stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I suppose it must be a bug in the program. I can work it out later."
* * *
Zipping his fly, Ryouji Kaji quickly stepped out onto the streets of Tokyo-3, leaving the steamy world of Mario's All-You-Can-Screw Love Palace behind him. Four scantily-clad young females waved goodbye to him from a second floor window.
His spy senses conveyed to him a strange and somehow unpleasant sensation that he had just been detected. He frowned and pulled up his coat collar, stalking off into the seedy streets.
* * *
"All right," Ritsuko said crossly. "So Kaji didn't work. Name someone else."
"Hikari," offered Asuka.
"H-I-K-A-R-I H-O-R-A-K-I," spelled Ritsuko as she typed it in. Waiting patiently until the computers stopped their calculation, she peered at the screen again. "Hikari is currently located at… Monster Moe's Final Fight Wrestling Ring…?"
"Pfft," snorted Asuka. "Looks like your dumb program has seen better days, Doctor Akagi."
* * *
With a bloodthirsty scream, Hikari tore off her school shirt to the cheers of her many fans, revealing a figure-hugging green and yellow lycra bodysuit that was specifically responsible for the massive drop in work attendance across the country.
She sauntered into the center of the ring and blew a kiss to the cameras as her burly opponent lurched towards her. Smiling coldly, she contemptuously booted the man in the testicles and hammered him in the back of the neck.
With a grin that was so chilling it would have made even Touji shiver, Hikari climbed up onto the turnbuckle and prepared to deliver a crushing elbow drop.
She shook away the strange feeling that someone was watching her – after all, there were a thousand people in the audience, all baying for blood and calling her name. Why shouldn't she think she was being watched?
* * *
"This can't be right!" Ritsuko said, frustrated. "I installed all the components myself…"
"Losing your touch, Ritsuko?" Misato chuckled.
"No!" snapped the blonde scientist. "Try one more. Name someone."
"Rei," ventured Shinji.
Muttering curses to herself, Ritsuko tapped the keyboard and sullenly waited for it to present the results. When they arrived, Ritsuko let out a howl of frustration. "Iceland!?" she screamed. "What the hell is wrong with this piece of crap?"
"Quite," Misato said, smiling. "Well, Ritsu, it's been a blast as always but we really do have to go."
"Yes, go away," snapped Ritsuko, pulling her screwdriver free and going to work on the MAGI's circuit boards. "I want another progress report tomorrow."
Ritsuko listened to snatches of the conversation as it faded away.
"Misato, can I put my trousers back on?"
"No, Shinji, I'm afraid you can't."
"But why?"
"Don't ask questions, Shinji. Now be quiet; me and Asuka are taking the train home, but you have to walk home through the ghetto…"
Ritsuko sighed and went to work. She pulled out circuit boards, reconnected wires, installed components and painted holy sigils to the Machine God over the casing.
"There," she said in satisfaction, wiping her brow. "Phew. MAGI! Coffee!"
The blonde scientist frowned as a strange whining and buzzing sound emanated from the labyrinthine depths of the MAGI's operating system. The trapdoor opened all right, but instead of coffee, there was a glass mug filled with a strange purple liquid that fizzed and bubbled.
"What the hell is this?" Ritsuko mumbled, narrowing her eyes and peering at the substance. "Well, whatever it is, I'm not drinking it!"
She placed it down on the terminal before storming from the room. She was too stressed; deciding that she needed some amusement, she wandered down to the testing labs to set the monkeys free.
At that moment, Pen-Pen ducked out from under a shoebox and snatched up the purple liquid. Snickering cruelly, he hurried out of the room.
Being the co-owner of a drug cartel was so unsatisfying. Being overlord, though… now that was an aspiration Pen-Pen truly believed in. When he arrived back at Misato's, he quietly hid the potion in the First Aid kit, where it would be safe… it never got used in the Katsuragi household, no matter how many people died.
* * *
"Damn it to hell!"
Rei turned at the unexpected curse and was surprised to see a large installation looming up out of the blizzard. Casually approaching it, she noticed the source of the previous words – a man in a heavy coat stomping about outside the gates.
"What are you doing?" Rei asked softly.
"Eh?" The man turned. "Oh… I've locked myself out."
"Can you not just climb over the walls?"
"I'm Gunnar Solejski, not Gordon Freeman," the man snapped. "I'm a scientist, not a… scientist."
Rei stood statue-still. If she had been in a park, she would have received a free pigeon-pooh makeover.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Gunnar grumbled. "It's been a tough day, you know? I just really need to get inside."
Lifting her finger, Rei blew the gate apart with her AT Field.
Now it was Gunnar's turn to be surprised. "Wow," he commented, impressed. "I don't suppose you know anything about genetic manipulation and cloning, do you?"
Rei blinked.
* * *
"Well, here they are," Gunnar said, anxiously hovering over Rei's shoulder. Rei vaguely wondered if she should offer him a cracker as she nonchalantly walked down the rows and rows of dormant clones. She paused and cocked her head to one side, critically analyzing them like a village chief trying to decide which virgin to cast into the volcano.
The clones had shaved heads and unblinking, blood red eyes. Pieces of robotic skeletal parts protruded from their skin, which itself was poorly attached. Each had a barcode imprinted on its forehead and carried a high-tech laser rifle.
"What do you want all these clones for?" Rei asked softly.
Gunnar looked embarrassed and shuffled his feet, sticking his hands into the pockets of his labcoat, which was so stiff with starch you could crash a tank into it and it still wouldn't budge. "Well…" he began nervously. "I… want you to keep this to yourself, okay?"
"If I am ordered to, I will do it," Rei stated flatly.
"Oh." Gunnar brightened visibly. "In that case… I order you to help me develop these clones so that I can use them as my own personal army and take over Tokyo-3."
A slight frown crept over Rei's features.
"Can you keep a secret, then?"
Rei nodded reluctantly.
Gunnar glanced from side to side before leaning in close and whispering conspiratorially. "Good. Because I'm wearing ladies' underwear."
* * *
Shinji smoothed over his brand-new Armani suit and glanced casually around the lounge room. Asuka hadn't even looked up from her book and Shinji grew indignant. He had hoped Asuka would notice him so that he could pretend he didn't know what she was talking about.
The girl, it seemed, was too self-absorbed to even acknowledge his continued existence. Sure, she was smart, beautiful and had that manner that caused everyone in the room to instantly pop a boner – even animals, females and corpses – but Shinji had hoped she would get down off her high horse just long enough to see his new suit.
"Very nice," Asuka commented absently, not looking up.
Shinji blinked in surprise. "How did you… I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Mmm," Asuka replied, her pupils furiously speeding down the page like Mafioso escaping from a crime scene. "That's your bad dress sense solved, I suppose. What are you going to do about your other problems?"
"Other problems?" Shinji said indignantly. "Like what?"
"Well for starters, you could grease a kitchen tray with your hair…" Asuka observed casually.
"I –"
"And you talk as if someone's wound a rubber band around your gonads…"
"Well –"
"You're about as intelligent as a slab of hanging beef.…"
"But –"
"Your breath is so bad it could stain walls…"
"All right!" Shinji shouted. "I get it."
"Your face looks like that of an agitated marmot," Asuka continued, ticking things off on her fingers.
"Hey!" Shinji yelled.
"And we all know about the farting," Asuka concluded.
Shinji went bright red. "F-f-farting?" he whispered.
"In bed," the redhead clarified mildly, then laughed. "What? You don't think we notice when we're trying to sleep at night? At first I thought you were trying to play the tuba but not even a tuba can get notes that low. They're so loud they could set off the Angel alarms!" She fell about, cackling and clutching her sides while Shinji glowered.
"You lie in bed at night and see how high you can blast your blanket!" Asuka screeched gleefully before falling about laughing again.
Shinji blushed. He'd hoped no-one knew about that. It was one of his guilty pleasures.
"I swear, if you keep going at the rate you are, you're going to force a new universe into existence," Asuka was saying.
"Now, Asuka, I can explain," he lied. He desperately tried to formulate a credible excuse but was unable to come up with anything even remotely possible. "What're you reading?" Shinji asked, hoping to change the topic.
He picked up a couple of Asuka's books before she could snatch them away. "Sun Tzu's Art of War," Shinji read aloud. "The Communist Manifesto, by Marx and Engels. Che Guevara's Guerrilla Warfare. And you've downloaded the Terrorist's Handbook. Asuka," he said somewhat nervously as the books were snatched from his hands, "What are you planning?"
"Nothing," snapped the redhead, gathering everything up and moving towards her bedroom.
Suddenly, the door was blown from its hinges with a thunderous explosion, sending Shinji and Asuka tumbling to the floor in a storm of debris. "What the hell!?" gasped Asuka as men burst into the room.
"Uh-oh," muttered Shinji, crawling behind the breakfast counter. Asuka hurried after him, just as the lounge room erupted with gunfire.
"Senor Piece-of-shit!" yelled one of the men. They were wearing fatigues, sported long moustaches, tattoos and wide-brimmed hats. They carried AK-47's. "You come out and die now!"
"I think they're talking to you," whispered Asuka, attempting to push Shinji into plain view.
"Oh, I doubt that," Shinji replied, desperately taking the fridge into a death grip so that Asuka's shoving wouldn't prematurely end his life.
"Talk to them!" hissed Asuka, giving up.
"Erm… hello?" Shinji called hesitantly from behind the counter. "Can we help you?"
"Ah, you are home! Good, senor!" the foreign man laughed. "I am Michel, and I have message from Juan 'El Diablo', King of the South! You think you can fuck with Colombian cartels and get away with it, bitch?"
"Er… aheh heh heh…" Shinji laughed weakly, glancing guiltily at Asuka, who was glaring furiously at him. "Well, actually… I don't know what you're talking about."
"Shinji, you're as shallow as United States war propaganda, and just as laughable," Asuka growled.
"Senor Diablo wants you to know," the Colombian mercenary shouted. "That he send you his finest regards and he hope you die screaming!"
As one, the mercenaries jammed their fingers down on the triggers of their guns and peppered the breakfast counter with more holes than George Bush's patriotic speeches. As the roar of gunfire ceased, the men roared with glee and high-fived one another while Michel stood yelling. Asuka and Shinji picked themselves up.
"Pen-Pen!" screamed Shinji. "Take them out!"
From Shinji's room, the warm water penguin just snorted. This was the perfect opportunity to off Shinji without it looking suspicious. Pen-Pen ducked back out of sight. He could deal with these fools after they were done being his unwitting pawns.
"Pen-Pen!" Shinji screamed again.
"He's not coming," Asuka said.
"What do we do? What do we do?" Shinji babbled desperately, cowering at another burst of gunfire, wishing he owned a pair of brown trousers.
"Only one thing we can do," Asuka said casually. "It's time to take out the trash."
She grabbed the small garbage bag and prepared to make a run for the back door.
"Don't you think we should deal with the mercenaries first?" Shinji frowned.
"Oh, all right," Asuka grumbled. She pulled a handgun from her back pocket.
"Where in the name of Buddha's puffy nipples did you get that!?" Shinji gasped.
"DJ Croft," Asuka replied, cocking it. "When I was playing piñata with his ball-bag he dropped it."
"Oh." Shinji sat back. "I was wondering what significance he had to the story."
"Don't worry," Asuka assured him. "He's out of it now."
* * *
DJ Croft howled in agony as Kaworu dragged the red hot poker across his back once again.
"What's my name, slut!?" the seventeenth Angel yelled.
"Please! Nooo!"
"Wrong. Answer." Kaworu's eyes narrowed and he picked up a cruelly barbed whip, at the same time nodding to the six-hundred pound hog that was waiting patiently by the hospital bed.
"If you can't take it," Kaworu screeched, "Then you shouldn't…"
*crack* "Aargh!"
"Take…"
*crack* "Aiee!"
"My…"
*crack* "NoOoOo!"
"Money! Bitch!!"
*CRACK* "Aaargh!"
"Squeal, piggy!"
* * *
Shinji and Asuka ducked their heads as bullets pounded into the walls around them. Flakes of plaster floated down from above like dandruff from Aoba's hair and their surroundings looked like they were ready to collapse at any time.
"Enough of this," Asuka snarled.
Before Shinji could stop her, she pulled on a long dark trenchcoat and slipped on some dark glasses. Checking the rounds in her Arrow 9mm, she narrowed her eyes and dived out.
Rolling, Asuka leaped to her feet and squeezed the trigger twice, pounding two Cartel mercenaries from their feet.
Yelling, the mercenaries followed Michel's instructions and tried to draw a bead on her movements but the redhead dived through a convenient glass wall in slow motion, firing her gun all the while. More soldiers flew across the room.
"Bullet in the Head!" Asuka screeched gleefully.
Gunfire pounded the walls and floor around her but she coolly dropped to one knee and drew out a new clip from her trenchcoat.
"So… you are The Killer!" snarled a tall mercenary, pushing his way to the front and lowering the nozzle of a deadly flame-thrower.
Asuka growled and dashed to her left, jumping and rolling across the table, upturning it as the jet of flame washed the area she had been standing just two seconds before. The room started to burn with bright hot flames.
"This is going to be a City on Fire," Asuka muttered, checking her Arrow 9mm as more AK-47 bullets pummeled the upturned table. Popping up, she fired one bullet into the flame-thrower's tank, causing it to explode and its wearer scream in agony. He leaped headfirst through the window in a storm of broken glass.
Snarling, Asuka pulled the trigger once again and was rewarded with… nothing. The gun was jammed. "Damn," she spat, throwing it away. "Broken Arrow."
Rolling out, she pulled up two Uzis from the dead mercenaries and dived, coat flapping, dark glasses glinting, sideways, pulling down on both triggers. Mercenaries howled and collapsed, clutching at their chests.
Finally, it was just the leader, Michel. He growled and his hand, which held a desert eagle, started twitching. Asuka picked herself up, coolly threw away the Uzis and swept up a handgun of her own.
They stared at one another. Then dived.
Grappling and firing shots randomly, the two enemies fell to the floor, rolled and stopped at the same time. Lying on the floor facing one another, each pressed a gun to the other's temple.
"Wow," murmured Shinji, peeping over the top of the breakfast bar. "It's a Face/Off."
"You're empty," Michel sneered.
Asuka blinked. "No I'm not."
She fired, decorating Misato's bedroom door with Michel's head. Dusting herself off, she stood up and gazed dispassionately around the roomful of slaughtered corpses. "It's going to be A Better Tomorrow," she declared.
"Asuka…" Shinji said in awe as he emerged from his hideaway. "That was…"
"Yes, I know," Asuka said carelessly, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder.
"That was so exciting I have to go to the John! Woo, you're good, Asuka."
"Well, thank you, Ikari. Oh, damn!"
"What!? What is it!?" Shinji said in alarm, hurrying over.
"I have to get to wor… I mean, I'm late for my period. I'll see you later!"
Asuka dashed out of the room and Shinji sighed, wondering if he would ever understand her. Deciding that he had things to do as well, he gingerly stepped over the bodies and wandered into his bedroom.
Pen-Pen was lying there, on his back, breathing shallowly.
"Pen-Pen!" shrieked Shinji. "You must have been clipped by a bullet!"
He swept up the wounded – and extremely irate – penguin and carried him into the bathroom. Pulling open the drawer he retrieved the First Aid kit.
"Don't worry, partner," Shinji assured him. "I'll get you some brandy and then I'll get Horatio to take a look at you… he was a medic in Vietnam."
As he fussed over the traitorous penguin's wounds, Shinji's grasping hand caught hold of what he assumed was the brandy bottle. Withdrawing it he saw that it was, in fact, an unusual purple liquid that was constantly bubbling and fizzing. Shrugging – his alcoholic experiences had been limited to Misato's Yebisu theatre, roles that surely would have gotten her an Oscar – he poured the liquid down a frantically resisting Pen-Pen's throat.
"Now, now," Shinji admonished. "You need this, and… oh, hey." Ikari glanced at his watch. "I'm supposed to be meeting Touji in twenty minutes. I'll see you later."
Dropping the violently shaking penguin to the ground, Shinji turned away and cheerfully strolled out of the house. Bubbles started coming out of Pen-Pen's mouth and ears.
Misato's bedroom door opened and the Major herself appeared, yawning after a peaceful nap. She glanced around the devastated lounge room, peppered with bullet holes, torn almost to pieces and piled high with bloody corpses.
She blinked in bemusement.
"What did I miss?"
* * *
Another legion of clones marched past like the ants in the Rammstein music video clip.
"Excellent, most excellent," Gunnar Solejski cackled maniacally, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Rei Ayanami, you have proven most useful."
Rei said nothing.
"You don't talk much, do you?" Gunnar frowned.
The girl blinked and turned to him. "You would rather that I talk about the sky, mountains, red (the colour I hate), Ikari, the pilot of Unit-02…"
"Geez, this broad doesn't shut up," grumbled the mad scientist. "Okay, listen up, chief: we're almost ready to march on Tokyo-3."
"Why?" asked Rei bluntly.
"Today Japan…" Gunnar drew in a deep breath. "Tomorrow… the world!"
"I do not wish to take over the world," stated Rei.
Gunnar frowned mightily. "You said that if you were ordered to, you would do it."
He waggled his finger at her theatrically a few times and swept out of the automatic doors, leaving the First Child alone.
All was silent.
"Fuck," said Rei.
* * *
Shinji sighed as Touji bent over and let another one rip.
They were in the Tokyo-3 municipal park, and had been for the last two hours. Shinji was seated on a bench while Touji pranced around practicing his flatulence.
As the Third Child looked on, Touji clenched his teeth and an expression of extreme concentration came over his face as he squeezed. He was rewarded with a long, drawn out, fruitily fragrant arse-blast.
"Speak, oh mighty chocolate lips!" yelled Touji victoriously, and fell about laughing.
Ikari rolled his eyes. This had been his only entertainment for the last two hours; he had no idea one fourteen-year-old could hold so much methane.
*ffrrt*
"Pheew! Who let Fluffy off the chain?"
"Hey, Touji," Shinji ventured. He was ignored.
*ffffrrrrt*
"Who needs rhythm, who needs soul, I have music… in my hole!"
"Hey, Touji," Shinji repeated, this time a little louder. Again, his friend was ignorant of his pleas for attention.
"And now," shouted Touji, bending way over, "Behold, ye multitudes… the Messiah!!"
*FFFFFFFRRRRRRT*
There was a deafening crack.
"Touji!" yelled Shinji, this time in alarm.
"Oh, Jesus, the pain!" moaned Touji, rolling around on the ground.
"Oh my God Touji, you just blew your anus into that tree over there!"
"Get it back! Oh please, Shinji, get it back!" gasped Touji, obviously in pain.
"Erm… couldn't you get someone else to?"
"Come on, Shinji, I could die!"
"Er… all right…"
Jogging the three hundred-odd meters to the crash site, Shinji hoisted himself up into the branches of the tree and gingerly reached out a hand to the disembodied bottom. Holding his breath, he grabbed hold of it and pulled it from its perch.
"Can you do anything with it?" groaned Touji from the footpath when Shinji returned. The Fourth Child was quickly regretting his anal harmonics routine.
Shinji narrowed his eyes and glared at Touji. "Why… what exactly do you want me to do with it?" he demanded suspiciously, examining the fleshy object in his hands.
"Call an ambulance…"
* * *
Misato frowned. She had her ear pressed against the door to Asuka's room and could hear some very disconcerting voices coming from inside.
"We will not accept this shame! The Yakuza does not suffer such fools as you, Mimo, lightly!"
"Your reign of terror is over, Wang So Lung," came another voice. Both had strangely lilting accents and seemed to be low to the ground. "Crawl back into the darkness you came from… fiend."
"So be it, gaijin. Know this, however… the Yakuza will have bloody vengeance on all Meemits!"
"Indeed, perhaps you shall, vermin. However, although we may fall, the glorious Meemit Revolution will march ever onwards! Our bodies may die, but our spirits will yet be free!"
"Idealists," came the snarled reply.
There was the sound of a globule of saliva hitting the ground, and then Asuka's door was flung open. Misato instinctively shrunk back into the shadows and watched as a pack of sleek, black-furred rats slunk out of the room and exited the apartment through the front door, muttering darkly to themselves.
"Curiouser and curiouser," Misato mused. She peeped around the corner into the room…
But there was no-one there.
* * *
"Hang on a sec," grunted Bobby LeMora, director of the adult films produced by the People's Choice Studios. "There's something weird on the news, here…"
Kensuke disengaged and moved over to peer over his boss's shoulder. He frowned. "Is that… a bum?"
"Yeah," confirmed the cameraman. "Some guy apparently farted and blew it off. Neat party trick."
"Mmm," agreed Bobby. "Or… porno trick."
Kensuke's eyes narrowed as LeMora leaned in closer to get a better look at the meaty lump.
"What's more… it's better than yours, Ken, even if it is a little puffy. Mike! Find out whose cheeks they are and get them a job here."
"What!" yelled Kensuke. "Who does it belong to!?"
He shoved the director out of the way and peered closely at the character strapped to the stretcher, as he was loaded into an ambulance.
"Touji," Kensuke spat through gritted teeth.
* * *
There were, of course, many times when Misato questioned her sanity. Indeed several NERV tests had proven her mentally unstable, clinically psychotic and irreparably psychologically disturbed as well as forcing the purple-haired woman to legally declare herself insane, which was why she always had a backup career as a bus driver were Majoring ever to dry up.
Right now, however, she was poised outside the kitchen door, listening to yet another mysterious exchange.
"Stand down your warriors, Vasquez, no more blood need be shed here today." It was the same voice that Misato had heard earlier in Asuka's room.
"Eh, there can be no rest, Mimo, while our brothers lie dead upon the ground. You know this."
"You fought with honour, Vasquez, but this place is ours, now."
"Si, hombre, this I see. Very well, we go. Know, Mimo, that we will return one day and repay this debt of blood so that our fallen brothers' honour may be restored."
"As you say, Vasquez. The Meemits will await your return, but our Revolution will not be stopped."
"We will see, my friend. We will see. Hola, amigos, we go!"
Misato tensely fingered her pistol as a large group of cockroaches exited the kitchen and marched silently yet proudly towards the front door.
She took a deep breath, drew her gun, and burst into the kitchen. "Freeze, turds!"
Empty.
Misato lowered her gun and gazed about her suspiciously.
* * *
Asuka ducked an airborne Whopper and silently cursed the world for putting her in this position. The Burger King restaurant was complete chaos. As the cowering manager frantically gestured for her to step out into the open and attempt to restore order, Asuka gritted her teeth and consoled herself with the fact that tonight would be the night… the glorious October Revolution.
* * *
Miserably, Shinji walked down the street upon which stood their vile apartment. As he turned the corner towards the final stretch, however, he stopped short.
There were police cars surrounding the building, officers warily stationed up and down the footpath, guns drawn, aimed at his bedroom window. Police and news helicopters buzzed about in the sky.
Glancing down at the suitcase full of money, his takings from the day and likely the only money he was going to be able to escape with, Shinji made a decision.
He turned and ran for it.
"Sorry, Pen-Pen. This is it."
* * *
Touji jerked awake and glanced around his hospital room. "Wow, this is just like my dream… except where's the tunnel with the fire in it?"
Images swarmed his head. "Argh," he gasped angrily, clutching his head before yelling, "You can't keep me here! Never!! AaAaRgh! Where is Akira!?!"
He clenched his eyes shut, and… pushed…
With a thunderous boom, the wall blew outwards in a shower of plaster and debris. Touji, dressed in his hospital gown, marched into the corridor, maniacal grin on his face. The security guards were already coming.
"Kensuke!" he yelled. "This is it!"
* * *
Asuka leaned against the crumbling brick wall of the alleyway, patiently awaiting the hour. She idly cast off her Burger King uniform revealing camo fatigues beneath and, reaching into a nondescript garbage can, pulled out her automatic rifle. Draping herself with ammo belts, she rubbed her face with camo paint and turned.
Rank upon rank of small, grey Meemit warriors stood grimly before her, each armed with an M-16. They raised their eyes towards their leader.
Asuka gazed proudly about her at the glorious Meemit Revolution. She raised her head and spoke. "If you tremble with indignation at every injustice… then you are a comrade of mine!"
A deafening chorus of cheers swept over her and Asuka gave them a feral grin as they fired their guns into the air.
"Already you have cast out the vermin and insect oppressors. But the Revolution marches on! We will not rest until the city is ours!"
The redhead raised her gun and screamed, "When oppression becomes reality, resistance becomes duty! Forward, bearers of the true word! Forward, children of the glorious Revolution! Forward, Meemits!"
With a roar, the miniscule soldiers of the Revolution poured out into the streets, driven onwards by the fire in their blood and the pride in their hearts. Pushing through the mass of screaming citizens, Asuka clambered grimly onto a burning, overturned bus.
"Meemits! This is it!"
* * *
He gunned the engine and lowered his visor. Strapping his laser cannon to his back and straightening his red jacket, Kensuke narrowed his eyes and tore off on his blood-red motorbike, dodging traffic and intersections as if he were the main character in a Master System game.
"Touji, you did this, not me," he muttered darkly as the wind whipped across his face. "Well, I'll stop you. This is it."
* * *
"We can't hold them! We don't know what to do!" screamed the JSSDF commander into his radio as the tank to his left burst in a spectacular explosion. A squad of expressionless clones marched up, laser guns chattering.
The commander raised his eyes helplessly; the line was dead. All over this sector of the city his troops were being pushed back.
The clones parted and Rei Ayanami stepped forth from the shadows.
"This is it," she stated.
* * *
Pen-Pen belched forth a stream of purple bubbles and howled in agony as violent spasms wracked his avian form. He gazed viciously at the now empty beaker that had held the elixir that had caused him all this trouble.
An explosion ripped through his mind. Roaring in fury, Pen-Pen began to grow. Bigger. Bigger. The gigantic penguin burst through the roof of the apartment and bellowing in anger, began to waddle thunderously towards downtown Tokyo-3.
* * *
As the gigantic penguin, fugitive drug dealer, psychic maniac, vigilante biker, Meemit revolution and clone army all began to converge on the city centre, the watching citizens of Tokyo-3 reflected bitterly that life had been much better before fanfiction screwed them up.
______________________________________
To be concluded…
=The Underground Empire= May Odd Grant Us StrengthDisclaimer: I don't own GAINAX or Evangelion. I bet you're crying a million tears for me, right?