CHAP 2
I would like to thank my reviewers (yes, just two so far) but it has
further inspired me to write more. ^_^
Also, just to straighten a few things out about houses as I imagine they
would be here they are: Remus and Sirius.Ravenclaw
Peter.Hufflepuff
James and Severus.Slytherin
I stayed in the chamber for a little while more, not wanting to seem overly desperate for some sign of companionship. I was vaguely aware of Remus as he moved about our dormitory but truly the leaves were what held my attention. I was enraptured with the way they moved about, dancing with the wind to guide them.
However, Remus soon left and I followed the smaller boy out, watching his gold and silver locks as they drifted with each step. It was in the common room that our solemn line parted, I to the enchanted wall that was our entrance and he to one of the many couches that were neatly arranged near the bay windows.
As I knew he would be, James was waiting for me in the Transfiguration classroom. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his arms crossed in a position I was all too familiar with. This was his position when we needed to have a serious conversation, no smiling or joking this time. No laughing off whatever he said, if James had asked me the deepest, darkest questions that human lips could form, I would have answered him truthfully.
"Why did you do it?" this was not an unusual question but tonight I did not change the subject or wave it away with a sweeping gesture as I had done many a time before.
"I don't know. No, that's not true, I do know why I did it. Spite, jealousy, a hope that maybe Severus wouldn't make it out alive. I'm sorry James, I never did mean to bring you into this-ever," I leant against the smooth stonewall.
"Jealousy? He's Snape, a slimy, ugly prat with no one for friends but Malfoy and his gang. What's the real reason?"
"Really, I was jealous. He and Remus were so.close, I didn't want to see him turn on Moony if he ever found out."
"But Snape did find out, you only helped him there," my cousin pointed out, yes, James Potter and I were first cousins.
I merely shook my head, bringing it to my pale hands, "I know James, I wasn't thinking at all.
"He hates me now and he'll never speak to me again!" I didn't allow him to speak but walked out of the room, breaking into a run as I heard my name called.
Remus hates me.
The world hates me.
I am but a sinful shadow, too dark to notice.
These thoughts turned about in my head all the while as I rushed past the odd student, my feet pounding their silent symphony as I ran. I could feel my demons upon my shoulders as they whispered to me my worthlessness. I was devoid of any good thought, only insatiable despair as the wind of the Hogwarts Lake chilled my face and fanned my flame of self-hatred.
I knelt by that darkened lake, not thinking merely wishing. With a single cry, I flung my body into the icy waters, drowning in anguish more so than liquid.
Events after this are very muddled; such as they had been on the night when I lost the trust of him whom I cherished most.
I remember feeling two exceptionably strong arms pulling me from my would- be grave and being hauled, chattering and frozen into the castle. A light- filled haven to my darkened spirit.
I remember the warmth of hospital sheets pressing in on my body and of callused hands taking my blood pressure. But most of all, I remember a golden head resting on my bed, shoulders slumped and shaking. This I know was not a dream for if it had been a dream I would have reached out. But I didn't, I just lay there, pretending to be asleep as any hope of reconciliation dwindled away.
It must have been nearly a week after my attempted death, how I shied at the thought of confronting my friends, that Mme. Pomfrey released me from her strict grasp and into a world of chilling stares. I remember that day with frightening clarity. James met me at the hospital door, placing his hands around my arm should I try to run.
"God Sirius, why the hell did you do that?" his angry question spilled onto my heart like acid on one's skin.
"Because I have nothing left to breathe for so why bother breathing at all?" a question for a question.
"Why breathe? WHY BREATHE? Because you've got friends and family who LOVE you Pad. We were all so worried, even Remus. God, he never left your side.
"Do you know that he blames himself, like Moony doesn't already have enough to feel bad about!" my long time friend was livid.
It was at that point I tried to run again. That has always been the solution to my problems worth facing, but of course I never face them, just run from them.
However, the fingers only tightened around my arm as my legs collapsed and tears fell freely. I hated myself for crying and for what I had done. Why didn't they just let me die like I should have? "Don't run Sirius! Don't you EVER run again, do you understand?"
"James leave him alone.please," it would be impossible not to hear the melancholic note as Remus pleaded with him. How I had missed the melodic French accent these solitary days of mine.
Fortunately I felt the strong hands uncurl and release me from their painful grasp. I don't think I had ever been so grateful to see the tall boy retreat, leaving him and me alone.
Remus knelt by my crumpled form, he was so close that I could have counted is eyelashes had I been looking at my former friend's face. I had prayed for a moment like this, the werewolf never allowed anyone to come close to him. I had speculated that it was an unbidden fear of ever being near enough to someone to touch them.
"Sirius, I-I'm so sorry. For everything, please-''
I silenced him by looking at his hazel eyes. They were shinning and I realised that crystalline tears were forming, ready to unleash themselves at the slightest movement, "I know, James told me. Oh Moony, how can you forgive me?" I nearly wailed.
Then he did something that I never would have expected, he wrapped his thin arms around my broad shoulders. I could feel his wavy head resting just under my chin as I closed my eyes, allowing the moment to freeze in time's foreverness.
"How can I forgive you? Sirius, you are one of my best friends. You never left me or fell back in terror and disgust like so many people have in the past when you learned the truth. I'm s-sorry that I put you through this, I was just so mad at myself. I should have seen it coming, Severus- he was always trying to prod the truth out of me and, oh of course I forgive you now!" he was crying and I could feel my chest dampening as tears seeped off his pale face and into my sweater.
"Hush, it's okay now Remus, everything is," I offered these words of comfort, all the time trying to desperately fathom how I could ever leave him just for being a werewolf.
Gods only know how long we sat there, but I didn't care. I could hold Moony for all eternity and not care because I had him back. We were friends again and that was all that mattered, wounds would start to heal now.most would at least.
I stayed in the chamber for a little while more, not wanting to seem overly desperate for some sign of companionship. I was vaguely aware of Remus as he moved about our dormitory but truly the leaves were what held my attention. I was enraptured with the way they moved about, dancing with the wind to guide them.
However, Remus soon left and I followed the smaller boy out, watching his gold and silver locks as they drifted with each step. It was in the common room that our solemn line parted, I to the enchanted wall that was our entrance and he to one of the many couches that were neatly arranged near the bay windows.
As I knew he would be, James was waiting for me in the Transfiguration classroom. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his arms crossed in a position I was all too familiar with. This was his position when we needed to have a serious conversation, no smiling or joking this time. No laughing off whatever he said, if James had asked me the deepest, darkest questions that human lips could form, I would have answered him truthfully.
"Why did you do it?" this was not an unusual question but tonight I did not change the subject or wave it away with a sweeping gesture as I had done many a time before.
"I don't know. No, that's not true, I do know why I did it. Spite, jealousy, a hope that maybe Severus wouldn't make it out alive. I'm sorry James, I never did mean to bring you into this-ever," I leant against the smooth stonewall.
"Jealousy? He's Snape, a slimy, ugly prat with no one for friends but Malfoy and his gang. What's the real reason?"
"Really, I was jealous. He and Remus were so.close, I didn't want to see him turn on Moony if he ever found out."
"But Snape did find out, you only helped him there," my cousin pointed out, yes, James Potter and I were first cousins.
I merely shook my head, bringing it to my pale hands, "I know James, I wasn't thinking at all.
"He hates me now and he'll never speak to me again!" I didn't allow him to speak but walked out of the room, breaking into a run as I heard my name called.
Remus hates me.
The world hates me.
I am but a sinful shadow, too dark to notice.
These thoughts turned about in my head all the while as I rushed past the odd student, my feet pounding their silent symphony as I ran. I could feel my demons upon my shoulders as they whispered to me my worthlessness. I was devoid of any good thought, only insatiable despair as the wind of the Hogwarts Lake chilled my face and fanned my flame of self-hatred.
I knelt by that darkened lake, not thinking merely wishing. With a single cry, I flung my body into the icy waters, drowning in anguish more so than liquid.
Events after this are very muddled; such as they had been on the night when I lost the trust of him whom I cherished most.
I remember feeling two exceptionably strong arms pulling me from my would- be grave and being hauled, chattering and frozen into the castle. A light- filled haven to my darkened spirit.
I remember the warmth of hospital sheets pressing in on my body and of callused hands taking my blood pressure. But most of all, I remember a golden head resting on my bed, shoulders slumped and shaking. This I know was not a dream for if it had been a dream I would have reached out. But I didn't, I just lay there, pretending to be asleep as any hope of reconciliation dwindled away.
It must have been nearly a week after my attempted death, how I shied at the thought of confronting my friends, that Mme. Pomfrey released me from her strict grasp and into a world of chilling stares. I remember that day with frightening clarity. James met me at the hospital door, placing his hands around my arm should I try to run.
"God Sirius, why the hell did you do that?" his angry question spilled onto my heart like acid on one's skin.
"Because I have nothing left to breathe for so why bother breathing at all?" a question for a question.
"Why breathe? WHY BREATHE? Because you've got friends and family who LOVE you Pad. We were all so worried, even Remus. God, he never left your side.
"Do you know that he blames himself, like Moony doesn't already have enough to feel bad about!" my long time friend was livid.
It was at that point I tried to run again. That has always been the solution to my problems worth facing, but of course I never face them, just run from them.
However, the fingers only tightened around my arm as my legs collapsed and tears fell freely. I hated myself for crying and for what I had done. Why didn't they just let me die like I should have? "Don't run Sirius! Don't you EVER run again, do you understand?"
"James leave him alone.please," it would be impossible not to hear the melancholic note as Remus pleaded with him. How I had missed the melodic French accent these solitary days of mine.
Fortunately I felt the strong hands uncurl and release me from their painful grasp. I don't think I had ever been so grateful to see the tall boy retreat, leaving him and me alone.
Remus knelt by my crumpled form, he was so close that I could have counted is eyelashes had I been looking at my former friend's face. I had prayed for a moment like this, the werewolf never allowed anyone to come close to him. I had speculated that it was an unbidden fear of ever being near enough to someone to touch them.
"Sirius, I-I'm so sorry. For everything, please-''
I silenced him by looking at his hazel eyes. They were shinning and I realised that crystalline tears were forming, ready to unleash themselves at the slightest movement, "I know, James told me. Oh Moony, how can you forgive me?" I nearly wailed.
Then he did something that I never would have expected, he wrapped his thin arms around my broad shoulders. I could feel his wavy head resting just under my chin as I closed my eyes, allowing the moment to freeze in time's foreverness.
"How can I forgive you? Sirius, you are one of my best friends. You never left me or fell back in terror and disgust like so many people have in the past when you learned the truth. I'm s-sorry that I put you through this, I was just so mad at myself. I should have seen it coming, Severus- he was always trying to prod the truth out of me and, oh of course I forgive you now!" he was crying and I could feel my chest dampening as tears seeped off his pale face and into my sweater.
"Hush, it's okay now Remus, everything is," I offered these words of comfort, all the time trying to desperately fathom how I could ever leave him just for being a werewolf.
Gods only know how long we sat there, but I didn't care. I could hold Moony for all eternity and not care because I had him back. We were friends again and that was all that mattered, wounds would start to heal now.most would at least.