Next part... :D And someone left a review saying they wanted to know who
all died... I'm getting there! :D
Willow
The final battle. It finally happened. And, to me, it was extremely final. Somehow, I still can't understand why people I love constantly have to die.
The first? Jesse. It was so long ago, but I still remember. How could I forget? My first confrontation with horrible, unnecessary death. The first time I saw a dead body and realized the exact reason why that person was dead. It was evil. Not cancer, not heart disease, not a freak accident. Evil. A soulless creature killed him, and, even worse, wanted to eat him. Up to that point, it was the worst funeral I'd ever been to. And I don't think I could have ever believed it if someone had told me there'd be funerals that were a lot worse.
Then, we skip the rest of high school. Although at graduation, so many people died. I didn't have time to think about them. Cut to our first year of college, and Buffy's mother. It was worse than Jesse. She was like the mother I never had. She cared about my opinion, she actually noticed my presence from time to time, and it just felt like she was exactly how I always thought a mother should have been. And I never would have made it through her death if it hadn't been for Tara.
The next major death was that of Buffy. It made me crazy, and I did something I never should have done, and convinced everyone we should bring her back. How would things have gone later, if I'd never brought her back? Would I have still become addicted to magic? Would Tara have left? Would she have died?
The most horrible death I've ever faced. Worse than Mrs. Summers, so much worse than Buffy. Worse than any death I'll ever have to face again. I lost Tara. It's still hard. Nearly every morning, I have to wake up and remember she's gone. She's not there next to me. Hell, she's not even a thousand miles from me. She's so far away, that sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never see her again. Not even when I die. How could I ever go to the same dimension as her? I've done so many horrible, horrible things. I don't deserve to be wherever I'm sure she is. I don't think I ever even deserved her in the first place. She's gone, and there's no way she's ever coming back. She's really, really gone. And as guilty as it makes me feel, I see her death in every death, which makes it all so much worse.
And then, there weren't any more deaths. Not until the final battle. Now it seems like they're all gone. Nobody's left, and there's hardly any reason anymore for me to be here. My heart feels like it isn't even there.
Worst of all these deaths was Xander. Out of the three people it seems like I've always loved most in my life, he seemed to be the one that would never die. He just couldn't. He was Xander. Buffy died twice, but she's still around. Tara died, and I know she'll never be back. But Xander just didn't die. He was the one person I knew I could always fall back on. And he was. Dead. He was the first death of the battle that I saw with my own eyes, and that was the moment I knew nothing would be okay again. I lost myself, and I'd never find the real Willow again. And I'd never even been sure who she was in the first place.
Giles. Somehow, I walked into the battle assuming he would die. I felt guilty, but I knew he wasn't quite as fit as he used to be, and he hadn't even come with a weapon. He hadn't wanted to fight. I urged him just to bring something, anything. But he wouldn't. And he was added to the list of people I loved that I saw die. Would the list ever end?
Of course not. Kennedy was next. And I still feel guilty that she made me feel Tara's death in every way. For a second, I couldn't remember her name. All I could think was Tara, and how this couldn't he happening again. But I'd already lost it. Even Spike and Andrew left their marks on me.
It's been a week, I think. I've stopped counting. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't sleep unless I'm clinging to someone. Just to know that there's someone there. That not everyone is dead. But it still feels like they all are.
We're all almost always in my room. Who we all are, I haven't exactly figured out yet. Who else is alive? Who died, that I never noticed? How many potentials are still here?
I think we're all a little bit crazy. Or we've been driven insane. Whimpering and mumbling and babbling all night. Or maybe even into day. I don't recognize any difference between them anymore.
One presence I've been looking for is Buffy. And I haven't been able to find it. I can't believe that she hasn't gone crazy from all of this. But then again, maybe I can.
How long will this go on for? How long will it be until I'm dead? Will my suffering end there? Will I find Willow again? Will she find Tara? Or Xander? Am I already dead, and this is what hell is like? Maybe some day I'll know.
Willow
The final battle. It finally happened. And, to me, it was extremely final. Somehow, I still can't understand why people I love constantly have to die.
The first? Jesse. It was so long ago, but I still remember. How could I forget? My first confrontation with horrible, unnecessary death. The first time I saw a dead body and realized the exact reason why that person was dead. It was evil. Not cancer, not heart disease, not a freak accident. Evil. A soulless creature killed him, and, even worse, wanted to eat him. Up to that point, it was the worst funeral I'd ever been to. And I don't think I could have ever believed it if someone had told me there'd be funerals that were a lot worse.
Then, we skip the rest of high school. Although at graduation, so many people died. I didn't have time to think about them. Cut to our first year of college, and Buffy's mother. It was worse than Jesse. She was like the mother I never had. She cared about my opinion, she actually noticed my presence from time to time, and it just felt like she was exactly how I always thought a mother should have been. And I never would have made it through her death if it hadn't been for Tara.
The next major death was that of Buffy. It made me crazy, and I did something I never should have done, and convinced everyone we should bring her back. How would things have gone later, if I'd never brought her back? Would I have still become addicted to magic? Would Tara have left? Would she have died?
The most horrible death I've ever faced. Worse than Mrs. Summers, so much worse than Buffy. Worse than any death I'll ever have to face again. I lost Tara. It's still hard. Nearly every morning, I have to wake up and remember she's gone. She's not there next to me. Hell, she's not even a thousand miles from me. She's so far away, that sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never see her again. Not even when I die. How could I ever go to the same dimension as her? I've done so many horrible, horrible things. I don't deserve to be wherever I'm sure she is. I don't think I ever even deserved her in the first place. She's gone, and there's no way she's ever coming back. She's really, really gone. And as guilty as it makes me feel, I see her death in every death, which makes it all so much worse.
And then, there weren't any more deaths. Not until the final battle. Now it seems like they're all gone. Nobody's left, and there's hardly any reason anymore for me to be here. My heart feels like it isn't even there.
Worst of all these deaths was Xander. Out of the three people it seems like I've always loved most in my life, he seemed to be the one that would never die. He just couldn't. He was Xander. Buffy died twice, but she's still around. Tara died, and I know she'll never be back. But Xander just didn't die. He was the one person I knew I could always fall back on. And he was. Dead. He was the first death of the battle that I saw with my own eyes, and that was the moment I knew nothing would be okay again. I lost myself, and I'd never find the real Willow again. And I'd never even been sure who she was in the first place.
Giles. Somehow, I walked into the battle assuming he would die. I felt guilty, but I knew he wasn't quite as fit as he used to be, and he hadn't even come with a weapon. He hadn't wanted to fight. I urged him just to bring something, anything. But he wouldn't. And he was added to the list of people I loved that I saw die. Would the list ever end?
Of course not. Kennedy was next. And I still feel guilty that she made me feel Tara's death in every way. For a second, I couldn't remember her name. All I could think was Tara, and how this couldn't he happening again. But I'd already lost it. Even Spike and Andrew left their marks on me.
It's been a week, I think. I've stopped counting. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't sleep unless I'm clinging to someone. Just to know that there's someone there. That not everyone is dead. But it still feels like they all are.
We're all almost always in my room. Who we all are, I haven't exactly figured out yet. Who else is alive? Who died, that I never noticed? How many potentials are still here?
I think we're all a little bit crazy. Or we've been driven insane. Whimpering and mumbling and babbling all night. Or maybe even into day. I don't recognize any difference between them anymore.
One presence I've been looking for is Buffy. And I haven't been able to find it. I can't believe that she hasn't gone crazy from all of this. But then again, maybe I can.
How long will this go on for? How long will it be until I'm dead? Will my suffering end there? Will I find Willow again? Will she find Tara? Or Xander? Am I already dead, and this is what hell is like? Maybe some day I'll know.