Disclaimer: Same as always.

Note: I'm starting to think that I write better at midnight, when I'm half asleep than in the afternoon, when I'm sick and wide awake. Yeah, I wrote this chapter and the prologue when I was wide awake. Oh, well. I'll write the rest at midnight then, I guess.

Chapter Seven

While patrolling, Buffy had dusted two vamps and was now on her way to Spike's crypt. She had too much built up inside her that she needed to let out. Too many thoughts, too many questions, too many answers. She needed to talk to the only person who had even the smallest capability of understanding.

When Buffy got to the door, she decided to knock for once. Since her knuckles, even bandaged, were still raw, it hurt a little more than it should have, but almost immediately, the door opened.

"Buffy . . ." Spike stared at her with the same love, respect, and longing he had showed her before, even as a soul-less vampire. It almost hurt Buffy that she could never feel the same, especially since in this reality he was still a demon.

"Spike. Can I come in?"

"Oh . .. uh, sure." Spike moved aside so Buffy could enter, which she did. She chose to sit on a worn-out couch. A long silence followed, until Buffy could sort through the chaos of her mind and find the wording for what she wanted to say.

"Um . . . Halfrek told me that all of you are capable of remembering the other world . . . and I want- I need to have that happen. She said . . . she said that since I've told you everything, you're the most vulnerable to remembering . . . The point to this babbling is, do you want to? Remember. But, I've got to tell you, it's not all good. The memories. Most of it isn't good. This past year was by far one of the worst I've had. Aside from the one with Mom and . . . me."

"Can you tell me about it?"

Buffy hesitated. "I guess. But you can't tell any of them . . . my friends . . . You have to promise not to tell them."

It was Spike's turn to hesitate. "Fine."

"Well . . . first off, Tara . . . Tara was shot and . . . and killed, by Warren."

Spike's eyes went wide at the name.

"Yes. That Warren. Willow was upstairs with Tara when it happened. Making a long story less long, Willow got back into dark magick and skinned Warren alive. Xander brought her back from it. It's still hard for all of us, with Tara gone, but Willow . . . The worst part was that Warren was trying to kill me. One of his stray bullets hit her, but he did get me too. I think I actually died again, in the hospital, before Willow completely healed me. I think it's time for a lighter subject . . . As soon as there is one, I'll be sure to let you know, because that whole year pretty much sucked."

For a few moments, Spike just stared open-mouthed with one of the saddest expressions Buffy had ever seen on him.

Buffy sighed. "So . . . Spark any memories?"

"Sorry, but no."

"I didn't want to have to do this, but I guess it's my best shot."

Spike's expression turned from sadness to confusion. "What are you--"

"I touch the fire and it freezes me."

As soon as she said those few words, something seemed to spark inside Spike. Buffy saw it, considering it was hard to miss. He soon joined in with his own part, while she continued.

"I look into it and it's black. This isn't real, but I just want to feel . . ."

By the look on Spike's face, Buffy knew the image of them both kissing had sprung into his mind.

Spike looked at her wide-eyed. "We . . ."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah."

Spike held the expression. "Were we--"

"Together? Not really. It's kind of hard to explain . . . This was one of the parts I was hoping to not have to explain. You loved me, I didn't . . . love you. I was using you to . . . to feel. Eventually I broke up with you. I couldn't take it anymore. I still can't . . . I hate myself for that. But, what you did was marginally worse."

Buffy could tell he was remembering the time in her bathroom. His eyes got even wider and now they set off a deeply apologetic look. "Oh, God . . . Buffy, I . . . It won't help, will it?"

"What won't?"

"Apologies. They won't help."

Buffy hesitated. "No. They-They won't. But, things have changed where I belong. Everything has changed. I forgave you. You're different now . . . then. I don't really know what to call it. But where I'm from--"

"I have a soul."

There was another long moment of silence before Buffy spoke.

"Do you remember it all? Not just the soul having, but what came after it."

"Yeah. I do."

Buffy started to get up. "I should go. There's a lot to do. Giles is getting in . . . in about twelve hours, but there's still a lot to do with the not sleeping and the other really bad excuses. Sorry, but I've just got to go."

"No. It's fine. You should go. But . . . why didn't you tell them? You're friends."

Buffy sat back down. "I didn't tell them . . . The reason I didn't tell them in this world is because everything's still new. They could have thought something was seriously wrong or that I was possessed and I just couldn't take the chance of them sending me back . . . to the dead. I didn't . . . I still don't want to take the risk of that happening. It might destroy any chance I might have at getting back."

"What's wrong with this world? If something does go wrong, and you can't go back, would it be so bad staying here?"

It was Buffy's turn to be confused. "What? How can you even ask me that? Of course it would be bad for me here. This . . . None of this is real. You, them, me . . . None of it here is real. Everything about this place is wrong. I don't belong here."

"But to me you do. The world is right to me, to all of them. To us, you do belong here. This is all we know."

"And this is all I don't. I don't know you or them or the big evil I'm supposed to fight here. I shouldn't have to. But this isn't just something I can wake up from. I can't just pretend like it's not happening. And so I'm stuck here, in this world, with so far no way out. But, right now, there's nothing keeping me here with you."

With that, she got up and left the crypt and ran home.