THE BORROWED BOOK
A Seinfeld Fan Fiction script
By
Joel Gomes
May 2003
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
I like wireless headphones. I really love 'em. They're so much better than the regular ones, y'know? You walk around the house without worrying about the wire's length; you can even sleep with them without waking up to find yourself hanged.
Of course, the only problem about the wireless phones is still comfort. They solved security, but there's still a big distance before we reach comfort.
You know those really big ones, which make you look like a pilot? I find it very hard to believe that someone is actually capable of sleeping with one of them on without waking up with a sour neck.
What's even stranger is that people use headphones to prevent sound disturbing others. Is the sound so high that they need to use headphones? If so, how do they manage to sleep with all the noise? Put earplugs under the headphones?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. GEORGE IS LOST WITH HIS THOUGHTS.
JERRY
What's on your mind?
GEORGE
You know. The usual.
JERRY
You mean, nothing?
GEORGE
I'm still thinking about what Mr. Smith told me.
JERRY
About you fixing him up with your girlfriend?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Did he give you a deadline?
GEORGE
No. But it's been almost two weeks since the deal. Sooner or later I'll be the one who's gonna be dead.
JERRY
(SMILES)
How did you get yourself into this?
GEORGE
I was... myself.
JERRY
You shouldn't have been you. Have you told Monica anything?
GEORGE
Not yet. I only met her two days ago.
JERRY
I'm sure she'll understand once you tell her you want her to sex with your boss.
GEORGE
She is dating me.
JERRY
That's my point.
GEORGE
Remember Richard James?
JERRY NODS.
GEORGE
I saw him last night.
JERRY
Did you talk to him?
GEORGE
No. I saw him from the cab.
JERRY
It's a good thing you've mentioned him though. I have to return him his book.
GEORGE
What book?
JERRY
Don't remember.
GEORGE
You didn't read it?
JERRY
I said I don't remember.
GEORGE
You didn't remember reading or you don't remember what you read?
JERRY
I don't remember what I read.
KRAMER BURSTS IN AND JOINS THEM. HE'S VERY NERVOUS.
JERRY
Whatsa matter?
KRAMER
I was robbed!
JERRY
What? How?
KRAMER
They got in my place last night and took all my stuff!
JERRY
What stuff? You don't have your stuff, you have my stuff! They took my stuff!
KRAMER
What am I gonna do now, Jerry?
JERRY
What about that alarm you installed?
KRAMER
It was off.
GEORGE
What d'you want an alarm for, if you keep it off?
KRAMER
So that I can sleep. That thing has a motion detector that reaches almost six feet. All it takes is Jerry coming to his door in the middle of the night and...
(SNAPS)
Bing!
GEORGE
Bing?
JERRY
I never heard a bing.
KRAMER
Because I keep the alarm off.
GEORGE
So you keep the alarm off just because of that?
KRAMER
How am I supposed to sleep?
JERRY
Is the sleep more important to you than being robbed?
KRAMER
Well... yeah.
JERRY
But sleep can be recovered. But my stuff can't. See what I'm saying?
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
(WINKS TO JERRY)
Why don't you buy a silent alarm?
JERRY GETS THE TRICK AND GOES ALONG.
JERRY
Maybe because, he can't hear it.
GEORGE
No no no. I saw it once on a catalog. It comes with a set of headphones so we don't bother anybody.
JERRY
It's a great deal, if you wanna hang yourself to death.
GEORGE
At least, you won't be bothered if you're robbed.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. LOBBBY. DAY
GEORGE IS WALKING TO HIS OFFICE AND ALMOST BUMPS INTO MR. SMITH.
MR. SMITH
George!
GEORGE
M-Mr. Smith. Hi!
GEORGE
So what about our little arrangement, George? I hope it will be worth the waiting.
GEORGE
It will be, Mr. Smith. That I promise.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
GEORGE IS HAVING DINNER WITH MONICA, A BEAUTIFUL BRUNETTE. IT'S A ROMANTIC DINNER, WITH CANDLES AND SOFT MUSIC.
GEORGE IS TRYING TO MAKE HER LAUGH, BUT TO EVERY LITTLE JOKE HE TELLS, SHE JUST GRINS.
GEORGE
You know... I have to tell you this. I'm not very fond of this "candle-light dinner" thing. I mean,
(LAUGHS)
do they make this so that we can't see what we're eating? I'm not sure if this is really meat or just something that tastes like it.
GEORGE'S EFFORTS SLOWLY DIE AWAY AS HE REALIZES THE EXPRESSION ON MONICA'S FACE.
INT. MONK'S. DAY
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
GEORGE
I had dinner with Monica last night. Romantic thing, y'know? Candlelight and all that stuff... I tried to set a nice mood. Tried to be funny.
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
I would have gotten a better result if I had taken her out to the filthiest hot-dog stand in the world and read the results from the stock market from two days ago.
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)
She's a grinner. Plain and simple.
JERRY
A grinner, hey?
GEORGE
Yeah. Every time I said something she just grinned.
JERRY
I find that very entertaining.
GEORGE
Tell me something, Jerry.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Do you think I'm annoying?
JERRY
You want an honest answer?
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Then I'd have to say... yes.
GEORGE
What happened to dishonesty?
JERRY
You should ask yourself that question.
GEORGE
There is one good thing about all this thing though.
JERRY
And that is?
GEORGE
I will have no remorse after I set her up with Mr. Smith.
JERRY
What makes you think you would have any remorse if she was someone nicer?
GEORGE
Nothing. It's just that I like to have a clear conscience on this.
JERRY
What makes you think you have a conscience?
ELAINE COMES IN A JOYFULL MOOD.
ELAINE
Hello!
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
Well, well, well! Someone is in a good mood today!
ELAINE
You have no idea!
JERRY
What happened to your neck?
ELAINE
Some guy fixed it.
JERRY
"Some guy"?
ELAINE
Yeah. I was walking home last night and I was complaining about my neck and this guy just came out from behind me and started rubbing it.
JERRY
He came from behind you, rubbed your neck and then what?
ELAINE
I asked him his name.
GEORGE
Why doesn't that surprise me?
KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS.
JERRY
Did you get yourself a new alarm?
KRAMER
No. I'm looking for something else.
ELAINE
Why do you want an alarm for? You have nothing worth stealing.
JERRY
Except my stuff and they took that last night.
ELAINE
(TO KRAMER)
Oh Kramer! I'm so sorry!
JERRY
Why are you sorry for him? Most of the stolen stuff were mine.
KRAMER
That's okay, Elaine. George, think you can help me out?
GEORGE
Help you with what?
KRAMER
I need to know where I can find one of those silent alarms.
GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A FEW SECONDS.
GEORGE
Jerry, you're his neighbor. Please explain it to him.
KRAMER
Explain to me what?
JERRY
What George and I said about the silent alarm was a just a comic relief. A joke. A prank.
KRAMER
You mean they don't exist?
JERRY
Not that I'm aware off.
KRAMER
Well, since you're not aware of everything, isn't it possible that something like that might actually exists?
JERRY
And you're gonna look for it, right?
KRAMER
You bet!
(GETS UP)
I'll see ya! Giddy up!
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
Sometimes I think that being his neighbor doesn't put me in a better position to understand him.
GEORGE
I think that not even him understands himself.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
GEORGE AND MONICA ARE HAVING DINNER. GEORGE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH NERVOUSLY.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Where the hell is he?
MONICA
George? Is everything alright?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)
Fine. Just peachy!
GEORGE
(THINKING)
"Peachy"? What kind of remark was that? Oh God! Please make him hurry!
MR. SMITH ENTERS THE RESTAURANT AND APPROACHES THE TABLE WHERE GEORGE AND MONICA ARE SITTING.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Finally!
MR. SMITH
Good evening, George.
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! What're you doing here?
MR. SMITH
Having dinner, what else?
MONICA
Care to join us?
MR. SMITH
(SITTING NEXT TO MONICA)
Of course not!
GEORGE
Oh! What happened to my manners? Monica, this is my boss, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my girlfriend, Monica.
MR. SMITH
(KISSES HER KNUCKLES)
Enchanté.
MONICA
(GIGGLES)
Thank you Mr. Smith.
GEORGE GRINS AND TAKES A SIP FROM HIS DRINK.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
What a slut.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
JERRY IS WALKING WITH A BOOK UNDER HIS ARMS WHEN HE BUMPS INTO A MAN LOOKING LIKE A PUNK FROM THE SIXTIES.
JERRY
Oh! I'm sorry!
JERRY TRIES TO LEAVE BUT THE CHARACTER SEEMS TO RECOGNIZE HIM.
RICHARD
Jerry?
JERRY
Richard? Richard James? Is that you?
RICHARD
Yes. It's my new look.
JERRY
Oh! It's very... uh...
RICHARD
What are you doing here?
JERRY
I-I-I just...
RICHARD
You still have my book, haven't you?
JERRY
Yeah. Actually, I have it right here with me.
JERRY SHOWS THE BOOK TO RICHARD.
RICHARD
What are you doing with me book?
JERRY
I... er... was looking for you. Someone told me you use to hang out around here-
RICHARD
Who told you that?
JERRY (CONT'D)
so I decided to come here and bring the book with me and see if I could find you.
RICHARD
You were gonna borrow the book?
JERRY
No! Of course not!
RICHARD
Someone returned it to you now, then?
JERRY
No!
(GIVES RICHARD THE BOOK)
Here's your book.
RICHARD FLIPS THE BOOK.
RICHARD
There are pages missing here. Where's the index?
(GIVES THE BOOK BACK TO JERRY)
This is not my book.
JERRY GRINS.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WATCHING TV. JERRY CLICS THROUGH ALL THE CHANNELS.
GEORGE
He found out that you've been borrowing his book to everybody?
JERRY
Yeah. I mean, that wasn't his real book anyway.
GEORGE
What happened to it then?
JERRY
I don't know. I lent it to someone and that someone lost it. I had no option but to go to the flea market and buy another one.
GEORGE
Flea market is very resourceful. I introduced Monica to Mr. Smith last night. It's only a matter of time.
JERRY
I've never seen anyone this happy for being cheated.
GEORGE
You're right! I'm being cheated!
JERRY
It's like they say, realization is a bitch.
GEORGE
What did Richard tell about the book?
JERRY
He asked me who borrowed it.
GEORGE
You didn't tell him about me, did you?
JERRY
I don't think so. Why?
GEORGE
Okay. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to call Richard and tell him that your house was robbed and that someone switched the book. Got it?
JERRY
Why would I do that?
GEORGE
Because I'm asking you to. As a friend. Please?
JERRY
Wait a minute!
(GETS UP AND POINT TO GEORGE INQUISITELY)
It was you! You lost the book, didn't you?
GEORGE
Please, Jerry! You can't tell him the truth! If you do I'll be as good as dead.
JERRY
That's not a good thing.
GEORGE
No, it's not. So, will you help me?
JERRY
What makes you think he's gonna believe it?
GEORGE
I don't know. You're an actor. Act.
JERRY
I'm not an actor. I'm a comedian. There's a difference.
GEORGE
It's all about pretending.
JERRY
Why don't you tell him, then?
GEORGE
Jerry, please!
JERRY
Alright! I'll call him.
JERRY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. WITHOUT GEORGE NOTICING, JERRY CLICKS THE BUTTON.
JERRY
Hello? Richard? This is Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Look, I wanted to tell you about your book. Yes, I mean, no. You see, what happened was that my house was robbed a couple of weeks ago and the burglars switched the books. Yes. It happened so long ago I completely forgot it. Uh uh. You wanna know why? Just a second, okay?
(TO GEORGE)
He wants to know why the burglars switched the books.
GEORGE
Tell him you don't know.
JERRY
I don't know. Because I thought you wouldn't believe if I told you. You do? Really? That's great! Yeah... Alright. Thank you. I'll see you.
(HANGS UP)
I can't believe it!
GEORGE
What did I tell you?
JERRY
Why didn't you want him to find out about you losing his book? You're scared of him?
GEORGE
Come on! You saw the way he looks now. You're telling me I'm not supposed to be scared? He must be "Psycho" Richard or something.
JERRY
Ah! So you're scared because of his nickname?
GEORGE
The nickname is my idea. And besides, it's not that. I just don't wanna be the one to confirm if the nickname fits.
JERRY
You are scared.
GEORGE
No, I'm not.
JERRY
Let's see about that.
JERRY GRABS THE PHONE.
JERRY
(DIALING)
I'm gonna call Richard and I'm gonna tell him the truth.
GEORGE PANICS. HE KNEELS BEFORE JERRY AND STARTS TO KISS THE FLOOR AT JERRY'S FEET.
GEORGE
Jerry! Please! Don't do it! Please! I'll do anything you want!
JERRY SMILES AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
JERRY
Alright...
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'. DAY
THE GROUP IS HAVING LUNCH.
KRAMER WIPES HIS MOUTH AND GETS UP.
KRAMER
I guess I'll be running now. I found a place that sells silent alarms.
JERRY
No kidding?
KRAMER
Yeah. They're gonna install it today.
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
That ought to be an improvement.
(TO GEORGE)
Salt! Quick!
GEORGE PASSES THE SALT TO JERRY.
JERRY
What about you, Elaine?
ELAINE
What about me?
JERRY
How are things with your personal masseuse?
ELAINE
Ah! Don't even tell me about it! I'm in a dilemma, Jerry!
GEORGE
What's the matter?
JERRY
(SLAPS GEORGE'S HEAD)
Quiet!
(TO ELAINE)
What's the matter?
ELAINE IS INTRIGUED BY THE SITUATION BUT DOESN'T SAY A THING.
ELAINE
It's him. I mean, he's very nice and everything and he's doing wonders with my neck but there's something weird about him. I don't know what it is. It kinda freaks me out.
JERRY
You're afraid of him?
ELAINE
It's nothing like that. But, whatever it is, I'm not staying with him any longer.
JERRY
You're gonna break up with him based on a hunch?
ELAINE
It's not a hunch. Men have hunches. Women have instincts.
JERRY
Like animals.
ELAINE
(GRINS)
Funny. Very funny.
JERRY
What about your neck?
ELAINE
What about it? My neck is fine. I don't need his hands anymore.
ELAINE BITES HER SANDWICH.
JERRY
You sound very insensitive when you talk like that.
ELAINE
(MOUTH FULL)
I know.
JERRY AND ELAINE FINISH EATING AND GET UP.
JERRY
Let's go.
GEORGE
Wait! I haven't finished yet!
JERRY TAKES THE SANDWICH FROM GEORGE'S HAND AND PUTS IT IN THE TRASH.
JERRY
Now you're finished. Pay the check, will ya?
GEORGE GIVES JERRY A DISDAINFUL LOOK BEFORE REACHING FOR HIS WALLET AND PUTTING A NOTE ON THE TABLE. HE GETS UP AND FOLLOWS JERRY AND ELAINE.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY IS WATCHING TV. ON A SMALL TABLE NEXT TO JERRY STANDS A ONCE FILLED GLASS.
JERRY GRABS THE GLASS AND YELLS OUT.
JERRY
George! My juice is over!
GEORGE (O. S.)
Coming!
GEORGE COMES OUT FROM THE BATHROOM WITH A RAG ON HIS HEAD.
JERRY
George!
GEORGE
Coming!
GEORGE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE FROM THE REFRIGERATOR. HE THEN PROCEEDS TO REFILL JERRY'S GLASS. AFTER HE'S FINISHED HE RETURNS THE BOTTLE TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION.
GEORGE
Will that be all?
JERRY
Yes. You can go back to your clearing now.
GEORGE WALKS BACK TO THE BATHROOM.
KRAMER SLIDES IN WITH A STRANGE MACHINE IN HIS HANDS.
KRAMER
Well, here it is.
JERRY
Well, let me see it.
KRAMER PUTS THE MACHINE ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT.
KRAMER
What d'you think?
JERRY
(GRABS TWO PIECES OF WIRE)
I think it's broken. There's no way you're gonna listen to the alarm with this thing.
KRAMER
That's the idea.
JERRY
But... Oh! Never mind...
KRAMER
(GRABS THE BOX AND GOES TO THE DOOR)
I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna try this out.
KRAMER EXITS.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
ELAINE AND CHRIS ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE TRIES TO FLIRT WITH HER BUT SHE BACKS OUT.
CHRIS
What's the matter?
ELAINE
Chris, there's something I need to tell you.
CHRIS
What? Tell me straight. I can handle it.
ELAINE
Are you sure?
CHRIS
Absolutely. It will make things easier.
ELAINE
Oh! Okay. If that's what you want. We're through. I appreciate very much what you did with my neck but, to tell you the truth, you disturb me.
CHRIS
(HOLDING TEARS)
So that's it? I was nothing but a useful resource to erase your pain?
ELAINE
(PUTS HER HAND ON CHRIS' SHOULDER)
Chris, I...
CHRIS
(TAPS HER HAND AWAY)
No. Stay away from me.
(GETS UP)
You're gonna regret this, Elaine. When you least expect it you'll be the one needing me and then I'll the be one to say no.
(WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT)
Goodbye, Elaine.
CHRIS EXITS THE APARTMENT.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
KRAMER IS SLEEPING. WE SEE THE NEW ALARM STANDING ON THE NIGHT TABLE.
THE DOOR OPENS A MAN WITH A SKY MASK COMES IN AND GRABS THE ALARM.
HE EXITS THE BEDROOM WITHOUT MAKING THE SLIGHTEST SOUND.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL BEDROOM. NIGHT
MR. SMITH AND MONICA ARE LYING SIDE BY SIDE.
MONICA
Wow! That was so great!
MR. SMITH
I'm really glad you liked it.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY
GEORGE WALKS TOWARDS HIS OFFICE. MR. SMITH SEES HIM AND WALKS TO HIM JUST BEFORE GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.
MR. SMITH
George!
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Now what?
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! How are you this morning?
MR. SMITH
Sleepy. Something kept me up last night.
(NUDGES HIM)
If you know what I mean. I must thank you for that.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
"Oh please..."
GEORGE
No need to, Mr. Smith. In fact, if you enjoyed it so much, I'm gonna let you keep it.
MR. SMITH
George, that wouldn't be fair.
GEORGE
What wouldn't be fair is you denying me this favor. You've been so nice to me, I think you deserve something like this in return.
MR. SMITH
I-I don't know what to say. I...
GEORGE
(PUTS HIS HAND ON MR. SMITH'S SHOULDER)
Just promise me this...
MR. SMITH
What?
GEORGE
Promise me you will make her happy.
MR. SMITH
I promise.
GEORGE
Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something requiring my most immediate attention.
GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS HIS OFFICE.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE COMES IN, WITH A VERY PAINFUL NECK, AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.
JERRY
Well, it seems that dumping the masseuse wasn't such a wise thing to do after all.
ELAINE
How could this happen? It's even worse than before! I think he put a timer on my neck.
JERRY
A what?
ELAINE
A timer. I hadn't thought about it until now but I remember that he would always make the massages at a very specific time.
JERRY
Are you listening to what you're saying? No one puts timers on necks.
ELAINE
Can you think of something else?
KRAMER COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.
JERRY
Did you test your alarm?
KRAMER
Yeah, I tested it.
JERRY
And?
KRAMER
Someone stole it while I was sleeping.
JERRY
(CHUCKLES)
I told you it wouldn't work.
KRAMER
But it worked, Jerry. It worked just fine. It didn't wake me up.
JERRY
Because it wasn't there. And even if it was there, even if it hadn't been stolen, it still wouldn't wake you up.
KRAMER
Well, one way or the other, I slept like a baby.
ELAINE
(TO KRAMER)
What are you going to do now?
KRAMER
I don't know. I think I'm gonna buy a new locker instead.
GEORGE
Um... Jerry?
JERRY
(SHARPLY)
What?
GEORGE
I need to make a phone call. May I be excused for a few moments?
JERRY EYES GEORGE INTENSIVELY. ELAINE AND KRAMER WATCH THIS AWKWARD MOMENT.
JERRY
Who're you gonna call?
GEORGE
My boss. I just remembered something that I must speak to him at once.
JERRY
Can't it wait?
GEORGE
No. It's very urgent. Please, Jerry.
JERRY
Very well. You have sixty seconds. Don't waste them.
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE PAYPHONE.
ELAINE
You told me I was insensitive. Well, what are you then?
KRAMER
What the hell is going on between you two?
JERRY
Just a prank.
GEORGE RETURNS.
GEORGE
I need to go now. Mr. Smith is expecting me. Will that be okay with you?
JERRY
That's gonna cost you something.
GEORGE
Please, Jerry. I'll make it up for you later.
JERRY
I know you will. Fine. You can go to your appointment.
GEORGE
Thank you, Jerry!
(SHAKES JERRY'S HAND)
Thank you so much!
JERRY
Stop that! You're annoying me!
GEORGE
I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...!
JERRY
Forget it! Just go. Before I change my mind.
GEORGE
Of course.
GEORGE LEAVES.
JERRY
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)
Some people just don't know where their place is.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
GEORGE IS WAITING AT A STREET CORNER. RICHARD SHOWS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM.
GEORGE TRIES TO SURPASS HIS URGE TO GET AWAY.
GEORGE
Richard! Hi! I'm so glad you could make it!
RICHARD
What is all this about?
GEORGE
I-I...
RICHARD
Hurry! I don't have time to waste.
GEORGE
It's about what Jerry told you when he called about your book.
RICHARD
What call? What're you talking about? Jerry never called me.
GEORGE
You know what? I think I've mistaken you for someone else!
(SNORTS)
How stupid of me! Forget what I said.
(STARTS TO WALK AWAY)
It was great to see you though.
RICHARD
(GRABS GEORGE BY THE COLLAR)
Not so fast! You've mentioned my book. What do you know about my book?
GEORGE
(GASPING FOR AIR)
What d'you want to know?
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
JERRY
So, he turned off the timer or what?
ELAINE
Reluctantly, yes. The pain is gone. For now.
JERRY
(LAUGHS)
Well, I couldn't be happier for you. Just think. Your own private masseuse. Quite exquisite, if you ask me. Now tell me, he didn't come back easy, did he?
ELAINE
No. I had to beg him for more than thirty minutes. And then he insisted on us having reconciliation sex.
JERRY
That must've been so hard.
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS IN A MESS. HIS CLOTHES ARE RUINED. THE FURY IN HIS EYES IS ALMOST TANGIBLE.
ELAINE
What happened to you?
GEORGE
I had a talk with our friend Richard a few minutes ago.
JERRY
(LAUGHS)
I'm very sorry about this George. I was just kidding around, y'know? You shouldn't take it so personally.
GEORGE
You. Made. Me. Beg! I kneeled before you! I cleaned you toilet! I've been your maid and financial provider for the past three days and you're telling that you were just kidding around? That I shouldn't have to take it so personally?!
ELAINE
There's nothing wrong in begging. It did wonders to me.
JERRY
At least, now we know something about Richard.
GEORGE
(MORE CALM)
What is that?
JERRY
That nickname you gave him, suits him just fine.
GEORGE
(SITS ON THE SOFA AND RELAXES)
Tell me about it.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Have you ever noticed the tendency some people have of buying encyclopedias? They're not to read, their sole purpose is... filling shelves. That's what they're good for. Making some good impression on houseguests. Make them think we actually know what's in them, besides the cover.
(YAWNS)
"Yes, as you can see, we like to read a bit. I take these ones to the bathroom. I called them soft-reading."
Some women use encyclopedias like some sort of sexual approach. It's true. Imagine that you're man, you're in a bar and some woman comes over to you and says:
"Pielonefritis can be sharp, under the form of a sudden attack, or inherited, in which repeated or badly treated attacks can cause permanent scars on the kidney."
What can a man say to something like that?
"Your place or mine?"
THE END
A Seinfeld Fan Fiction script
By
Joel Gomes
May 2003
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
I like wireless headphones. I really love 'em. They're so much better than the regular ones, y'know? You walk around the house without worrying about the wire's length; you can even sleep with them without waking up to find yourself hanged.
Of course, the only problem about the wireless phones is still comfort. They solved security, but there's still a big distance before we reach comfort.
You know those really big ones, which make you look like a pilot? I find it very hard to believe that someone is actually capable of sleeping with one of them on without waking up with a sour neck.
What's even stranger is that people use headphones to prevent sound disturbing others. Is the sound so high that they need to use headphones? If so, how do they manage to sleep with all the noise? Put earplugs under the headphones?
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. GEORGE IS LOST WITH HIS THOUGHTS.
JERRY
What's on your mind?
GEORGE
You know. The usual.
JERRY
You mean, nothing?
GEORGE
I'm still thinking about what Mr. Smith told me.
JERRY
About you fixing him up with your girlfriend?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Did he give you a deadline?
GEORGE
No. But it's been almost two weeks since the deal. Sooner or later I'll be the one who's gonna be dead.
JERRY
(SMILES)
How did you get yourself into this?
GEORGE
I was... myself.
JERRY
You shouldn't have been you. Have you told Monica anything?
GEORGE
Not yet. I only met her two days ago.
JERRY
I'm sure she'll understand once you tell her you want her to sex with your boss.
GEORGE
She is dating me.
JERRY
That's my point.
GEORGE
Remember Richard James?
JERRY NODS.
GEORGE
I saw him last night.
JERRY
Did you talk to him?
GEORGE
No. I saw him from the cab.
JERRY
It's a good thing you've mentioned him though. I have to return him his book.
GEORGE
What book?
JERRY
Don't remember.
GEORGE
You didn't read it?
JERRY
I said I don't remember.
GEORGE
You didn't remember reading or you don't remember what you read?
JERRY
I don't remember what I read.
KRAMER BURSTS IN AND JOINS THEM. HE'S VERY NERVOUS.
JERRY
Whatsa matter?
KRAMER
I was robbed!
JERRY
What? How?
KRAMER
They got in my place last night and took all my stuff!
JERRY
What stuff? You don't have your stuff, you have my stuff! They took my stuff!
KRAMER
What am I gonna do now, Jerry?
JERRY
What about that alarm you installed?
KRAMER
It was off.
GEORGE
What d'you want an alarm for, if you keep it off?
KRAMER
So that I can sleep. That thing has a motion detector that reaches almost six feet. All it takes is Jerry coming to his door in the middle of the night and...
(SNAPS)
Bing!
GEORGE
Bing?
JERRY
I never heard a bing.
KRAMER
Because I keep the alarm off.
GEORGE
So you keep the alarm off just because of that?
KRAMER
How am I supposed to sleep?
JERRY
Is the sleep more important to you than being robbed?
KRAMER
Well... yeah.
JERRY
But sleep can be recovered. But my stuff can't. See what I'm saying?
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
(WINKS TO JERRY)
Why don't you buy a silent alarm?
JERRY GETS THE TRICK AND GOES ALONG.
JERRY
Maybe because, he can't hear it.
GEORGE
No no no. I saw it once on a catalog. It comes with a set of headphones so we don't bother anybody.
JERRY
It's a great deal, if you wanna hang yourself to death.
GEORGE
At least, you won't be bothered if you're robbed.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. LOBBBY. DAY
GEORGE IS WALKING TO HIS OFFICE AND ALMOST BUMPS INTO MR. SMITH.
MR. SMITH
George!
GEORGE
M-Mr. Smith. Hi!
GEORGE
So what about our little arrangement, George? I hope it will be worth the waiting.
GEORGE
It will be, Mr. Smith. That I promise.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
GEORGE IS HAVING DINNER WITH MONICA, A BEAUTIFUL BRUNETTE. IT'S A ROMANTIC DINNER, WITH CANDLES AND SOFT MUSIC.
GEORGE IS TRYING TO MAKE HER LAUGH, BUT TO EVERY LITTLE JOKE HE TELLS, SHE JUST GRINS.
GEORGE
You know... I have to tell you this. I'm not very fond of this "candle-light dinner" thing. I mean,
(LAUGHS)
do they make this so that we can't see what we're eating? I'm not sure if this is really meat or just something that tastes like it.
GEORGE'S EFFORTS SLOWLY DIE AWAY AS HE REALIZES THE EXPRESSION ON MONICA'S FACE.
INT. MONK'S. DAY
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
GEORGE
I had dinner with Monica last night. Romantic thing, y'know? Candlelight and all that stuff... I tried to set a nice mood. Tried to be funny.
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
I would have gotten a better result if I had taken her out to the filthiest hot-dog stand in the world and read the results from the stock market from two days ago.
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)
She's a grinner. Plain and simple.
JERRY
A grinner, hey?
GEORGE
Yeah. Every time I said something she just grinned.
JERRY
I find that very entertaining.
GEORGE
Tell me something, Jerry.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Do you think I'm annoying?
JERRY
You want an honest answer?
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Then I'd have to say... yes.
GEORGE
What happened to dishonesty?
JERRY
You should ask yourself that question.
GEORGE
There is one good thing about all this thing though.
JERRY
And that is?
GEORGE
I will have no remorse after I set her up with Mr. Smith.
JERRY
What makes you think you would have any remorse if she was someone nicer?
GEORGE
Nothing. It's just that I like to have a clear conscience on this.
JERRY
What makes you think you have a conscience?
ELAINE COMES IN A JOYFULL MOOD.
ELAINE
Hello!
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
Well, well, well! Someone is in a good mood today!
ELAINE
You have no idea!
JERRY
What happened to your neck?
ELAINE
Some guy fixed it.
JERRY
"Some guy"?
ELAINE
Yeah. I was walking home last night and I was complaining about my neck and this guy just came out from behind me and started rubbing it.
JERRY
He came from behind you, rubbed your neck and then what?
ELAINE
I asked him his name.
GEORGE
Why doesn't that surprise me?
KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS.
JERRY
Did you get yourself a new alarm?
KRAMER
No. I'm looking for something else.
ELAINE
Why do you want an alarm for? You have nothing worth stealing.
JERRY
Except my stuff and they took that last night.
ELAINE
(TO KRAMER)
Oh Kramer! I'm so sorry!
JERRY
Why are you sorry for him? Most of the stolen stuff were mine.
KRAMER
That's okay, Elaine. George, think you can help me out?
GEORGE
Help you with what?
KRAMER
I need to know where I can find one of those silent alarms.
GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A FEW SECONDS.
GEORGE
Jerry, you're his neighbor. Please explain it to him.
KRAMER
Explain to me what?
JERRY
What George and I said about the silent alarm was a just a comic relief. A joke. A prank.
KRAMER
You mean they don't exist?
JERRY
Not that I'm aware off.
KRAMER
Well, since you're not aware of everything, isn't it possible that something like that might actually exists?
JERRY
And you're gonna look for it, right?
KRAMER
You bet!
(GETS UP)
I'll see ya! Giddy up!
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
Sometimes I think that being his neighbor doesn't put me in a better position to understand him.
GEORGE
I think that not even him understands himself.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
GEORGE AND MONICA ARE HAVING DINNER. GEORGE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH NERVOUSLY.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Where the hell is he?
MONICA
George? Is everything alright?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)
Fine. Just peachy!
GEORGE
(THINKING)
"Peachy"? What kind of remark was that? Oh God! Please make him hurry!
MR. SMITH ENTERS THE RESTAURANT AND APPROACHES THE TABLE WHERE GEORGE AND MONICA ARE SITTING.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Finally!
MR. SMITH
Good evening, George.
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! What're you doing here?
MR. SMITH
Having dinner, what else?
MONICA
Care to join us?
MR. SMITH
(SITTING NEXT TO MONICA)
Of course not!
GEORGE
Oh! What happened to my manners? Monica, this is my boss, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my girlfriend, Monica.
MR. SMITH
(KISSES HER KNUCKLES)
Enchanté.
MONICA
(GIGGLES)
Thank you Mr. Smith.
GEORGE GRINS AND TAKES A SIP FROM HIS DRINK.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
What a slut.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
JERRY IS WALKING WITH A BOOK UNDER HIS ARMS WHEN HE BUMPS INTO A MAN LOOKING LIKE A PUNK FROM THE SIXTIES.
JERRY
Oh! I'm sorry!
JERRY TRIES TO LEAVE BUT THE CHARACTER SEEMS TO RECOGNIZE HIM.
RICHARD
Jerry?
JERRY
Richard? Richard James? Is that you?
RICHARD
Yes. It's my new look.
JERRY
Oh! It's very... uh...
RICHARD
What are you doing here?
JERRY
I-I-I just...
RICHARD
You still have my book, haven't you?
JERRY
Yeah. Actually, I have it right here with me.
JERRY SHOWS THE BOOK TO RICHARD.
RICHARD
What are you doing with me book?
JERRY
I... er... was looking for you. Someone told me you use to hang out around here-
RICHARD
Who told you that?
JERRY (CONT'D)
so I decided to come here and bring the book with me and see if I could find you.
RICHARD
You were gonna borrow the book?
JERRY
No! Of course not!
RICHARD
Someone returned it to you now, then?
JERRY
No!
(GIVES RICHARD THE BOOK)
Here's your book.
RICHARD FLIPS THE BOOK.
RICHARD
There are pages missing here. Where's the index?
(GIVES THE BOOK BACK TO JERRY)
This is not my book.
JERRY GRINS.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WATCHING TV. JERRY CLICS THROUGH ALL THE CHANNELS.
GEORGE
He found out that you've been borrowing his book to everybody?
JERRY
Yeah. I mean, that wasn't his real book anyway.
GEORGE
What happened to it then?
JERRY
I don't know. I lent it to someone and that someone lost it. I had no option but to go to the flea market and buy another one.
GEORGE
Flea market is very resourceful. I introduced Monica to Mr. Smith last night. It's only a matter of time.
JERRY
I've never seen anyone this happy for being cheated.
GEORGE
You're right! I'm being cheated!
JERRY
It's like they say, realization is a bitch.
GEORGE
What did Richard tell about the book?
JERRY
He asked me who borrowed it.
GEORGE
You didn't tell him about me, did you?
JERRY
I don't think so. Why?
GEORGE
Okay. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to call Richard and tell him that your house was robbed and that someone switched the book. Got it?
JERRY
Why would I do that?
GEORGE
Because I'm asking you to. As a friend. Please?
JERRY
Wait a minute!
(GETS UP AND POINT TO GEORGE INQUISITELY)
It was you! You lost the book, didn't you?
GEORGE
Please, Jerry! You can't tell him the truth! If you do I'll be as good as dead.
JERRY
That's not a good thing.
GEORGE
No, it's not. So, will you help me?
JERRY
What makes you think he's gonna believe it?
GEORGE
I don't know. You're an actor. Act.
JERRY
I'm not an actor. I'm a comedian. There's a difference.
GEORGE
It's all about pretending.
JERRY
Why don't you tell him, then?
GEORGE
Jerry, please!
JERRY
Alright! I'll call him.
JERRY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. WITHOUT GEORGE NOTICING, JERRY CLICKS THE BUTTON.
JERRY
Hello? Richard? This is Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Look, I wanted to tell you about your book. Yes, I mean, no. You see, what happened was that my house was robbed a couple of weeks ago and the burglars switched the books. Yes. It happened so long ago I completely forgot it. Uh uh. You wanna know why? Just a second, okay?
(TO GEORGE)
He wants to know why the burglars switched the books.
GEORGE
Tell him you don't know.
JERRY
I don't know. Because I thought you wouldn't believe if I told you. You do? Really? That's great! Yeah... Alright. Thank you. I'll see you.
(HANGS UP)
I can't believe it!
GEORGE
What did I tell you?
JERRY
Why didn't you want him to find out about you losing his book? You're scared of him?
GEORGE
Come on! You saw the way he looks now. You're telling me I'm not supposed to be scared? He must be "Psycho" Richard or something.
JERRY
Ah! So you're scared because of his nickname?
GEORGE
The nickname is my idea. And besides, it's not that. I just don't wanna be the one to confirm if the nickname fits.
JERRY
You are scared.
GEORGE
No, I'm not.
JERRY
Let's see about that.
JERRY GRABS THE PHONE.
JERRY
(DIALING)
I'm gonna call Richard and I'm gonna tell him the truth.
GEORGE PANICS. HE KNEELS BEFORE JERRY AND STARTS TO KISS THE FLOOR AT JERRY'S FEET.
GEORGE
Jerry! Please! Don't do it! Please! I'll do anything you want!
JERRY SMILES AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
JERRY
Alright...
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'. DAY
THE GROUP IS HAVING LUNCH.
KRAMER WIPES HIS MOUTH AND GETS UP.
KRAMER
I guess I'll be running now. I found a place that sells silent alarms.
JERRY
No kidding?
KRAMER
Yeah. They're gonna install it today.
KRAMER LEAVES.
JERRY
That ought to be an improvement.
(TO GEORGE)
Salt! Quick!
GEORGE PASSES THE SALT TO JERRY.
JERRY
What about you, Elaine?
ELAINE
What about me?
JERRY
How are things with your personal masseuse?
ELAINE
Ah! Don't even tell me about it! I'm in a dilemma, Jerry!
GEORGE
What's the matter?
JERRY
(SLAPS GEORGE'S HEAD)
Quiet!
(TO ELAINE)
What's the matter?
ELAINE IS INTRIGUED BY THE SITUATION BUT DOESN'T SAY A THING.
ELAINE
It's him. I mean, he's very nice and everything and he's doing wonders with my neck but there's something weird about him. I don't know what it is. It kinda freaks me out.
JERRY
You're afraid of him?
ELAINE
It's nothing like that. But, whatever it is, I'm not staying with him any longer.
JERRY
You're gonna break up with him based on a hunch?
ELAINE
It's not a hunch. Men have hunches. Women have instincts.
JERRY
Like animals.
ELAINE
(GRINS)
Funny. Very funny.
JERRY
What about your neck?
ELAINE
What about it? My neck is fine. I don't need his hands anymore.
ELAINE BITES HER SANDWICH.
JERRY
You sound very insensitive when you talk like that.
ELAINE
(MOUTH FULL)
I know.
JERRY AND ELAINE FINISH EATING AND GET UP.
JERRY
Let's go.
GEORGE
Wait! I haven't finished yet!
JERRY TAKES THE SANDWICH FROM GEORGE'S HAND AND PUTS IT IN THE TRASH.
JERRY
Now you're finished. Pay the check, will ya?
GEORGE GIVES JERRY A DISDAINFUL LOOK BEFORE REACHING FOR HIS WALLET AND PUTTING A NOTE ON THE TABLE. HE GETS UP AND FOLLOWS JERRY AND ELAINE.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY IS WATCHING TV. ON A SMALL TABLE NEXT TO JERRY STANDS A ONCE FILLED GLASS.
JERRY GRABS THE GLASS AND YELLS OUT.
JERRY
George! My juice is over!
GEORGE (O. S.)
Coming!
GEORGE COMES OUT FROM THE BATHROOM WITH A RAG ON HIS HEAD.
JERRY
George!
GEORGE
Coming!
GEORGE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE FROM THE REFRIGERATOR. HE THEN PROCEEDS TO REFILL JERRY'S GLASS. AFTER HE'S FINISHED HE RETURNS THE BOTTLE TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION.
GEORGE
Will that be all?
JERRY
Yes. You can go back to your clearing now.
GEORGE WALKS BACK TO THE BATHROOM.
KRAMER SLIDES IN WITH A STRANGE MACHINE IN HIS HANDS.
KRAMER
Well, here it is.
JERRY
Well, let me see it.
KRAMER PUTS THE MACHINE ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT.
KRAMER
What d'you think?
JERRY
(GRABS TWO PIECES OF WIRE)
I think it's broken. There's no way you're gonna listen to the alarm with this thing.
KRAMER
That's the idea.
JERRY
But... Oh! Never mind...
KRAMER
(GRABS THE BOX AND GOES TO THE DOOR)
I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna try this out.
KRAMER EXITS.
CUT TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
ELAINE AND CHRIS ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE TRIES TO FLIRT WITH HER BUT SHE BACKS OUT.
CHRIS
What's the matter?
ELAINE
Chris, there's something I need to tell you.
CHRIS
What? Tell me straight. I can handle it.
ELAINE
Are you sure?
CHRIS
Absolutely. It will make things easier.
ELAINE
Oh! Okay. If that's what you want. We're through. I appreciate very much what you did with my neck but, to tell you the truth, you disturb me.
CHRIS
(HOLDING TEARS)
So that's it? I was nothing but a useful resource to erase your pain?
ELAINE
(PUTS HER HAND ON CHRIS' SHOULDER)
Chris, I...
CHRIS
(TAPS HER HAND AWAY)
No. Stay away from me.
(GETS UP)
You're gonna regret this, Elaine. When you least expect it you'll be the one needing me and then I'll the be one to say no.
(WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT)
Goodbye, Elaine.
CHRIS EXITS THE APARTMENT.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
KRAMER IS SLEEPING. WE SEE THE NEW ALARM STANDING ON THE NIGHT TABLE.
THE DOOR OPENS A MAN WITH A SKY MASK COMES IN AND GRABS THE ALARM.
HE EXITS THE BEDROOM WITHOUT MAKING THE SLIGHTEST SOUND.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL BEDROOM. NIGHT
MR. SMITH AND MONICA ARE LYING SIDE BY SIDE.
MONICA
Wow! That was so great!
MR. SMITH
I'm really glad you liked it.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY
GEORGE WALKS TOWARDS HIS OFFICE. MR. SMITH SEES HIM AND WALKS TO HIM JUST BEFORE GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.
MR. SMITH
George!
GEORGE
(THINKING)
Now what?
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! How are you this morning?
MR. SMITH
Sleepy. Something kept me up last night.
(NUDGES HIM)
If you know what I mean. I must thank you for that.
GEORGE
(THINKING)
"Oh please..."
GEORGE
No need to, Mr. Smith. In fact, if you enjoyed it so much, I'm gonna let you keep it.
MR. SMITH
George, that wouldn't be fair.
GEORGE
What wouldn't be fair is you denying me this favor. You've been so nice to me, I think you deserve something like this in return.
MR. SMITH
I-I don't know what to say. I...
GEORGE
(PUTS HIS HAND ON MR. SMITH'S SHOULDER)
Just promise me this...
MR. SMITH
What?
GEORGE
Promise me you will make her happy.
MR. SMITH
I promise.
GEORGE
Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something requiring my most immediate attention.
GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS HIS OFFICE.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE COMES IN, WITH A VERY PAINFUL NECK, AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.
JERRY
Well, it seems that dumping the masseuse wasn't such a wise thing to do after all.
ELAINE
How could this happen? It's even worse than before! I think he put a timer on my neck.
JERRY
A what?
ELAINE
A timer. I hadn't thought about it until now but I remember that he would always make the massages at a very specific time.
JERRY
Are you listening to what you're saying? No one puts timers on necks.
ELAINE
Can you think of something else?
KRAMER COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.
JERRY
Did you test your alarm?
KRAMER
Yeah, I tested it.
JERRY
And?
KRAMER
Someone stole it while I was sleeping.
JERRY
(CHUCKLES)
I told you it wouldn't work.
KRAMER
But it worked, Jerry. It worked just fine. It didn't wake me up.
JERRY
Because it wasn't there. And even if it was there, even if it hadn't been stolen, it still wouldn't wake you up.
KRAMER
Well, one way or the other, I slept like a baby.
ELAINE
(TO KRAMER)
What are you going to do now?
KRAMER
I don't know. I think I'm gonna buy a new locker instead.
GEORGE
Um... Jerry?
JERRY
(SHARPLY)
What?
GEORGE
I need to make a phone call. May I be excused for a few moments?
JERRY EYES GEORGE INTENSIVELY. ELAINE AND KRAMER WATCH THIS AWKWARD MOMENT.
JERRY
Who're you gonna call?
GEORGE
My boss. I just remembered something that I must speak to him at once.
JERRY
Can't it wait?
GEORGE
No. It's very urgent. Please, Jerry.
JERRY
Very well. You have sixty seconds. Don't waste them.
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE PAYPHONE.
ELAINE
You told me I was insensitive. Well, what are you then?
KRAMER
What the hell is going on between you two?
JERRY
Just a prank.
GEORGE RETURNS.
GEORGE
I need to go now. Mr. Smith is expecting me. Will that be okay with you?
JERRY
That's gonna cost you something.
GEORGE
Please, Jerry. I'll make it up for you later.
JERRY
I know you will. Fine. You can go to your appointment.
GEORGE
Thank you, Jerry!
(SHAKES JERRY'S HAND)
Thank you so much!
JERRY
Stop that! You're annoying me!
GEORGE
I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...!
JERRY
Forget it! Just go. Before I change my mind.
GEORGE
Of course.
GEORGE LEAVES.
JERRY
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)
Some people just don't know where their place is.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY
GEORGE IS WAITING AT A STREET CORNER. RICHARD SHOWS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM.
GEORGE TRIES TO SURPASS HIS URGE TO GET AWAY.
GEORGE
Richard! Hi! I'm so glad you could make it!
RICHARD
What is all this about?
GEORGE
I-I...
RICHARD
Hurry! I don't have time to waste.
GEORGE
It's about what Jerry told you when he called about your book.
RICHARD
What call? What're you talking about? Jerry never called me.
GEORGE
You know what? I think I've mistaken you for someone else!
(SNORTS)
How stupid of me! Forget what I said.
(STARTS TO WALK AWAY)
It was great to see you though.
RICHARD
(GRABS GEORGE BY THE COLLAR)
Not so fast! You've mentioned my book. What do you know about my book?
GEORGE
(GASPING FOR AIR)
What d'you want to know?
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
JERRY
So, he turned off the timer or what?
ELAINE
Reluctantly, yes. The pain is gone. For now.
JERRY
(LAUGHS)
Well, I couldn't be happier for you. Just think. Your own private masseuse. Quite exquisite, if you ask me. Now tell me, he didn't come back easy, did he?
ELAINE
No. I had to beg him for more than thirty minutes. And then he insisted on us having reconciliation sex.
JERRY
That must've been so hard.
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS IN A MESS. HIS CLOTHES ARE RUINED. THE FURY IN HIS EYES IS ALMOST TANGIBLE.
ELAINE
What happened to you?
GEORGE
I had a talk with our friend Richard a few minutes ago.
JERRY
(LAUGHS)
I'm very sorry about this George. I was just kidding around, y'know? You shouldn't take it so personally.
GEORGE
You. Made. Me. Beg! I kneeled before you! I cleaned you toilet! I've been your maid and financial provider for the past three days and you're telling that you were just kidding around? That I shouldn't have to take it so personally?!
ELAINE
There's nothing wrong in begging. It did wonders to me.
JERRY
At least, now we know something about Richard.
GEORGE
(MORE CALM)
What is that?
JERRY
That nickname you gave him, suits him just fine.
GEORGE
(SITS ON THE SOFA AND RELAXES)
Tell me about it.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Have you ever noticed the tendency some people have of buying encyclopedias? They're not to read, their sole purpose is... filling shelves. That's what they're good for. Making some good impression on houseguests. Make them think we actually know what's in them, besides the cover.
(YAWNS)
"Yes, as you can see, we like to read a bit. I take these ones to the bathroom. I called them soft-reading."
Some women use encyclopedias like some sort of sexual approach. It's true. Imagine that you're man, you're in a bar and some woman comes over to you and says:
"Pielonefritis can be sharp, under the form of a sudden attack, or inherited, in which repeated or badly treated attacks can cause permanent scars on the kidney."
What can a man say to something like that?
"Your place or mine?"
THE END