New Text Document - 01 - A Whole New Man
Disclaimer: Standard issue one this time. This fic is odd enough as it
is. Ranma½ does not belong to me. Neither do any other anime/manga
series which may be added or revised. Borrowed concepts/characters
belong to their respective creators.
C&C, hatemail, and MORE hatemail to:
guy_jin@hotmail.com
Note: I've decided to reinstitute the theme songs for this fic. The
themes won't be anything consistent with the story though. They're just
odd bits here and there of just plain fun songs that I'd recommend to
anyone.
Today's theme: My Sweet Banana – By the Go Go Girls. If the name is
familiar, they've done a lot of music for Initial D.
By: Guy Jin
New Text Document
A Whole New Man
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
In a dark room sat a lone man, idling his hours away at his computer
screen when he could be doing something more productive, like looking
for a job, getting a girlfriend, visiting old friends, or hell even
going outside just to find out if the sun was still the same color.
"Hmmm..." he hmmm'd. "I wonder what I should write now..."
Out of curiosity he maneuvered his mouse over to the small icon in his
taskbar to check his mail.
"Only seven messages?" he wondered aloud. With a shrug he opened each
one up, discarding the two pieces of spam. "Damn Delphi boards," he
cursed, "give away MY e-mail to some mailing list will they?" He
continued to check the mail, muttering every now and again something
about, "Som'bitches," "Machine guns," and, "Blow up the server."
A frown made its way across his features as he read what mail he'd
gotten. He sensed a trend...
Just to make sure, he went back and re-read all his mail from the past
few days, stopping only to delete those same two pieces of spam, which
had apparently been resent while he was checking his actual messages.
No doubt about it, there was a definite pattern.
deer Guy
U rite gewd I leik to read yor storys. rite more Savior's Blood/Wild
Guardian/Grand Tour. J00 shuld do this, cuz I think it wuld be kewl
-Piece in teh middle-east
That isn't to say that he didn't have intelligent fans (C&C please!),
but there was more than one that seemed to think that it took far too
long to include all the unimportant things in their letters. Things like
vowels, nouns, punctuations, grammar. You know, little stuff.
But that was all beside the point. What mattered was that people really
liked his fics. That thought always gave him a warm fuzzy feeling.
"They really do love my work," he sighed reverently. "They can't wait
for the next installment of whatever I have planned. And that makes me
feel... Makes me feel..." He leaned back in his chair in thought as he
tried to find a word to articulate how he felt.
"GODLY!!!"
His evil cackling echoed throughout the house, shaking the family photos
on the walls. Luckily no one was home, or he'd have some 'splainin to
do.
Fifteen minutes later Guy managed to pull himself off the floor. "Note
to self," he whispered hoarsely, "buy throat-candies." Throat candies
being what he called those little candies you suck on when you have a
sore throat.
He called them this for the simple fact that he couldn't spell
'loasinge' if his life depended on it... See?
He idly sat and wondered just what he should work on next.
Some adventure in Wild Guardian?
Maybe some horror and angst in Savior's Blood?
Or perhaps a bit of action from Grand Tour?
"Hmmm..." he once more hmmm'd. After a few minutes of thought he decided
to try something different.
Guy opened up a new .txt file in the folder he kept for fics that were
being worked on, leaving it named as the default New Text Document.
He quickly set about his work, his fingers flying (man, I wish) across
the keyboard, his spelling and grammar perfect and flawless (man I
REALLY wish).
After a few minutes of furious typing, he stopped to review the
freestyle he'd just written. "This will be... different..." he mumbled,
and set about completing his latest... thing...
++++++++++++++++++++++
A few hours later, roughly 5 a.m. Pacific Standard time, Guy saved his
newest work and closed up all his windows.
He leaned back in his chair and yawned heavily.
"Damn that was a long thing I just wrote," he commented on what he'd
just finished.
He sat for a few more minutes in a sleepy haze.
"Oh crap, I gotta send this to the hosts and post it up on the ff.net
and..." Guy began to count off the various things he'd have to do before
he went to sleep, because he just knew he'd never get it out if he put
it off.
After a few minutes he came to a decision.
"Ya know what? Forget it. I'm not even gunna submit it to my regular
places," he chuckled. "This thing is stupid, I won't even bother my
prereaders with this trash."
He frowned for a second time that night.
"But I did do all that work," he reasoned. "I should at least put it out
SOMEWHERE."
Opening a quick search on Google he found a few sites that seemed
prospective for being a dump for his discontinued fic.
Picking one at random he searched through the rules of submitting.
Deciding that he fit the bill close enough for submitting, he closed up
the window and opened up his Hotmail to send in his new fic.
He quickly banged out an introduction to the site maintainer and a
synopsis of his story. Just as he was about to send it, his eyes
wandered up to the address bar.
"Well isn't this peachy," he sighed. He'd forgotten to type in the
address. "I don't wanna go searching for that site again," he groaned.
With a shrug he began to type in what he thought to be closest to the
proper address. With that done he shut off his pc for the night and
crawled into bed.
Just as he was pulling up the covers he realized that he'd forgotten to
change the file name from the default, or to even give the thing a
proper name.
"Feh, it doesn't matter," he grumbled. "It's just some crappy
self-insert fic that I don't want anything to do with again."
And so he drifted off.
+++++++++++++++++++
High above the mortal plane there resides a mighty super-computer. So
super is this super-computer that it was more of a
super-duper-computer... with a whipped cream and a cherry on top. This
particular computer was known as the Yggdrasil, and was used for a very
important task.
The Yggdrasil--or Jill as it liked to be called on weekends--was placed
in control, by no less than Kami-sama himself, to oversee the universal
happenings and hubbubs.
It received jillions, hence the nickname, bytes of information every
nanosecond. With this information it was able to make changes to the
fabric of reality itself in order to maintain the balance created by the
Creator.
Now you must understand, with so much data coming in at such a high
rate, it's difficult to catch every single thing, even for the mighty
Jill.
One such bit of information was an e-mail sent from a certain fanfic
writer extraordinaire.
Jill quickly analyzed the letter and its attachment before setting about
the necessary changes to reality.
++++++++++++++++++
Guy opened his eyes, finding himself fully rested in mind, but totally
wiped in body.
"What the hell?" he questioned to no one in particular. "Have I been
sleep-jogging? Why am I so tired?"
The question pertaining to his weariness quickly gave way to the
question of why he was outside, which in turn gave way to why he was
holding firewood, which then turned to... well you get the idea. He had
a damn lot of questions. But one really stuck out in his mind; so much
so in fact that he had to give it voice.
"Why are my pecs all big and squishy?"
Hold the phone.
Wait.
Pause.
Time out.
Stop the clock.
This was wrong.
Something was wrong, anyway.
The question echoed in his head for a few seconds.
After a while of just standing there, holding the firewood to his ample
bust, Guy dropped his cargo to the ground in favor of copping a feel on
himself.
"Hmmm..." he hmmm'd, as he tended to do when the mood to hmmm struck
him.
Now, being the mental whiz he was, Guy's mind took to the situation like
a fish to fire and began to systematically tally up every possible
explanation.
A: He'd eaten far too many hot pockets and had developed serious
man-boobs like that one dude he had P.E. with in the 10th grade.
Highly unlikely given the short amount of time allotted for such growth.
B: He'd been bitten by a radio-active cow.
Also unlikely as he'd often tended to stay away from cows for just that
reason.
C: He'd accidentally submitted that fic he'd written to the mighty
Yggdrasil, and a glitch in its programming had caused it to warp space
and time to insert him onto his own self-insert fic.
...
... ...
... ... ...
After several minutes of intense chuckling, Guy decided that the last
one was by far the most unlikely of the three.
"This will require more intel," he reasoned seriously.
And so he set about gathering information in the way any lab scientist
would be proud of:
Groping.
He groped the chest; noting once more the increased size, noting it a
couple of times in fact.
He groped his hair; realizing that it was in a stylish ponytail and was
of a reddish tint.
He groped the crotch; taking SPECIAL note that he was missing his meat
'n potaters.
Tabulating all the gathered information, Guy managed the conclusion that
C was in fact the proper answer.
He blinked. "Well I'll be damned... Heh... Heh heh... HAH! HAHAHAHA!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
*WHAM*
"Shut up foo'!" barked Genma. "You wanna give 'way our position?"
The man glared down at his son, concern showing through his wide-rimmed,
neon pink, zircon studded glasses.
Without another word he picked up his unconscious son and carried him to
their campgrounds.
Hopefully the boy wouldn't sleep the whole way to the Tendo's.
++++++++++++++++
"Oh, that must be them!" cried Soun happily as he got up from the table
to greet his long lost friend and his future son-in-law.
"I hope he's rich," commented Nabiki as she moved to follow.
Kasumi stood and walked demurely to after the other two, a hand held to
her cheek worriedly. "I hope he has a big cock."
"Evil bitch," muttered Akane as she skulked along.
Akane and Kasumi were soon greeted by the two family members who'd just
left to greet their guests. They both blinked and watched wide-eyed as a
panda strutted, not walked, not hobbled, not even sauntered, but
strutted, into the room.
Then again this was no mere panda!
This panda was fully set: high heeled platform shoes, a full length
llama-hair overcoat, a fedora with a peacock's feather, and of course
enough gold chains to sink a Spanish galleon. Never mind the fact that
the giant peace medallions and oversized clocks were turning the fur a
slight green color, it was still all together a very impressive package.
This panda was the embodiment of the word, "funk."
"Growf," it said in a low, somehow suggestive, if not outright sexual,
tone.
"Genma?" breathed Soun nervously, recognizing his old friend's favorite
pick up line. Ah yes. The amount of tail they'd scored with the line,
"Growf," was legendary.
The panda only nodded, and set down the limp body draped over its
shoulder as the passenger began to stir.
"Wha' happa'?" asked Guy.
He looked around nervously, instantly recognizing his surroundings. But
how'd he get to the Tendo dojo? Last he'd remembered he was in the
forest. He reached up to scratch his head in thought and winced from
pain. Suddenly it all came back to him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Genma strutted down the dirt path towards the next town on his way to
the main ports in one of the larger cities.
Sure there was no one to see him strut, but that was no reason to get
out of practice. Over his shoulder was his son, Ranma, his pride and
joy. Too bad he was a girl right then--a really foxy one at that.
The tree line began to come closer together, causing the path to narrow
drastically. It seemed the perfect place for an ambush.
Genma's eyes narrowed at that thought. Then he shrugged. Whatever
happened, happened.
Little did he know that his shrug had jarred his passenger enough to
rouse her from unconsciousness.
"Huh?"
Genma turned quickly, expecting some form of attack from his rear.
Seeing nothing he simply continued along the narrow path.
On his shoulder was Guy, a large lump on her head and a trickle of blood
from her nose from where Genma had smacked her into a tree when he'd
turned around.
Genma sighed. "How much longer this kid gunna sleep?"
+++++++++++++++++++
In the boiler room beneath a cargo ship crossing the Sea of Japan.
Genma sat on his tie-dye beanbag chair, sipping lazily at the cup from
his thermos.
This sure was a boring, if the boy had been awake they could have
probably swum back, then he could've at least been scamming for mermaids
or something. There was absolutely ZERO trim on this oversized bath
toy.
Nearby rested Guy, now in his male form, lying on a cot dangerously
close to the furnace. The boat pitched to one side as a large wave
crashed against the hull, not a lot, but just enough to slide Guy's arm
off the cot and right next to the furnace.
He was still wearing the dirty gi that Genma insisted he wear when they
were training, lest they muss their finer threads.
The long sleeved tunic began to smoke slightly as the heat from the fire
inside the blast furnace picked up a bit. In a show the laws of thermal
conduction which would make any science teacher sickened with pride,
Guy's sleeve went up in flames.
Guy shot up in bed, his hand flying out to beat down the flames, but
before he could even let out a scream of surprise the sea nudged the
boat again the boat again.
THONG!!!
Genma looked over his shoulder to see his son in flames. With a casual
flick he doused the fire with what was left in the cup.
"Damn boy'd be lost without me ta guide him through the ways of
pimpitude," muttered Genma as he emptied a box of wine into his 'JJ
Walker, DYNOMITE!!!' thermos.
He didn't even notice the second lump forming on Guy's head from the
piping above his cot.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy blinked as he remembered the reasons for his extended napping. It
rather did explain the tenderness of his scalp.
The feeling of a collapsed lung from the bone-crushing hug he was
receiving immediately superceded and drowned out the pain in his head.
"OH, RANMA!!!" cried Soun. "I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE!!!"
With instincts honed by instantaneously popping into the body of someone
with the patience to hone skills the natural way, Guy punched Soun in
the throat twice, put a foot to his groin, and twisted the man's nipples
in opposite directions—one clockwise, the other counter-clockwise.
As soon as he'd hit the ground Guy was off like a shot. No way would he
get mixed into the crap that he knew Ranma's life was. So onward he ran.
Then he ran some more. Once he felt a comfortable distance from the
source of evil, he had a seat on an elderly man who'd collapsed in the
park, as he was the only seating available.
Sure he should have gone for some form of help, and maybe not doing so
would brand him as some kind of deviant by average people, but nuts to
them, they'll never know the comfort afforded by such a luxury. Old
people make a dandy resting place. The small ones even make awesome
ottomans.
Kids, try this at home.
He closed his eyes and thought. So far he'd so very little time to think
except for those first few moments when he'd first arrived. And those
hadn't turned out too well at all. In fact they'd turned out badly, and
earned him a knock on the melon that had resulted in a few more knocks.
Come to think of it, he thought too much. What he needed was action.
Mindless action: action so mindless and imbecilic that it acted as
nothing less than a pure antithesis to all forms of intelligence. He
needed something so mind bogglingly idiotic that it would stop any and
all forms of thought.
Maybe they were showing something with Vin Deisel in a theater somewhere
nearby.
He reached down and felt the elderly man's underbelly, finding a
newspaper in the man's sweater, he searched the movie listings; pausing only to toss aside
a poorly drawn picture of the man and a child. The picture was labeled
'Me and Grandpa' in cute backwards letters. It was tossed aside since it
obviously held more intelligent content than a Vin Deisel flick, and
might therefore conjure some intelligent thought—the little picture of
the sun in a monster truck in the background of the picture proved that
much.
"Help... me..."
Guy's eyes moved to and fro. He saw nothing and so shrugged and returned
to his paper.
"Please... you are heavy..."
Guy looked around one more time. Still nothing was to be found.
"I need... a doctor..."
Guy looked down to the man he rested upon and said, "SHHHH! Someone's
trying to talk to me. It's very rude to interrupt."
"Very... sorry..." croaked the old man.
Guy nodded gratefully and noted that the Japanese were indeed a very
polite people. He looked around, but whoever had been calling to him had
apparently left.
He shrugged and tapped the elderly gent on the shoulder--without getting
up of course. "Now, what was it you were wanting?"
There was no answer. He shrugged again because it seemed appropriate. It
must not have been too important.
Just as he went back to reading, a thought popped in his head. Having
forgot his reasons for opposing any such actions he pursued the thought
and developed it.
He was in the Ranmaverse, this thing was true, but it was also not true.
Back at the dojo Genma had been big pimpin'. As big pimpin' as a panda
could be anyway. Meaning that this was in fact the fic he'd written.
He knew there was some relevance to this, he really did, but all those
slight concussions did wonders for skewing a person's short-term memory.
The deeper he thought on the subject the worse the pain in his head
grew. He did manage to recall one thing, however.
The Tendo girls were sluts in this fic.
Guy stood heroically—as heroically as one can stand when one is standing
heroically upon the back of an unconscious, likely dead, geriatric—and
pointed to the heavens.
"TO THE UNITY OF THE SCHOOLS!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
It was a bright and shiny new day throughout Nerima. The fish were
swimming in the pond, the birds chirped happily, and the giant pandas
did the Hustle with their best friends to the tune of Blackstar's 'No
Parking on the Dance Floor.'
Guy awoke with a severe, yet pleasant, ache in his groin. He tried to
get off the bed, but found himself stuck to the sheets. He nodded
stoically and glanced at the clock on the nightstand.
Six-thirty a.m. on what he believed was a Monday. He made a mental note
to buy a calendar and to mark this moment down, for it was the pinnacle
of his life. The thought that this might be a bit sad had crossed his
mind, but then he tried to get out of the bed again, and the thought was
quickly stabbed in the face with a pair of ice tongs.
"Ranma~" breathed a lump next to him in a sing-song, near angelic,
voice. "You were awesome."
Guy cried tears of joy as he reached up and felt the firm breast of
Nabiki Tendo.
"Yeah kid, you were a monster last night, ya get it? An insatiable
beast, if ya get my drift. That is, once we got a few pints into ya,
know what I mean?"
Guy blinked. That didn't sound like Akane. And it sure didn't sound like
Kasumi. The voice was way, way, WAAAAAAAAAAY too deep.
With supreme effort, Guy turned his head, looked over the edge of the
bed, and found two strange men. One was a rather large black fellow with
a huge fro and mutton-chop sideburns. The other was a Caucasian man
with a mustache thicker than Tendo's, and ass hair to match. The pair of
strangers got up and dressed, gave a wave goodbye, and went for the
door.
Before leaving, the white dude turned around and gave a thumbs up to
Guy, adding in a little wink and a tongue click for emphasis.
Guy had to know... He was supremely afraid, but he had to know... He
reached up to his own chest, and was relieved to find that he had no
breasts.
"Oh no, you must be stuck to the bed," commented Nabiki. "Let me help
you up."
The girl grabbed a nearby bucket of cold water and tossed it on Guy,
washing away the... stuff... and changing him into a girl.
Standing quickly, Guy surveyed the room and found various used
prophylactics, a number of empty water buckets, a couple of hot plates,
and some empty tea kettles. She also took a moment to realize that her
jaw hurt.
"Mmmm..." purred Nabiki, coming up behind girl-Guy to feel her up. "I
love watching this sexy little bod in action. I could watch you give
head all night long."
Guy's lip trembled, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.
"Wh-who... Who did I go down on...?" she croaked.
"Uh oh, look at the time. We need to get ready for school," said Nabiki
worriedly. She then rushed out the door, stark naked.
Guy twitched and spazzed for a few minutes while she waited for her
brain to start back up, or for her jaw to stop hurting; whichever
happened first. Eventually Kasumi walked in, found her in this shape.
Kasumi simply poured hot water from one of the kettles onto the cursed,
and confused, young girl, turning her back into a boy. Guy snapped out
of it quickly, saw Kasumi, and kissed her long and deep.
"Good morning to you too," said Kasumi with a smile once Guy was done
reaffirming his sexuality. "The bath is ready. And breakfast should be
the same by the time you're done."
Now that he was fully assured that he did in fact have a deep love of
the poontang, Guy stood tall, puffed out his manly chest, and fell to
the ground crying.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy had dug through the clothes in the duffel bag that carried all his
worldly possessions. Many of the clothing articles were hideous
monstrosities of polyester and day-glow rayon. Luckily there was a set
of standard Ranma gear at the bottom of the duffel: a red silk shirt
with frog-ties and a pair of black pants with the little nylon bungee
thingies in the waist and ankles.
Once he was dressed, Guy tied his hair into the trademark pigtail on a
whim, and then went downstairs. He ate leisurely, trying to figure his
next move.
Genma was saying something at him, but it probably wasn't important.
Just as he was digging into his fifth helping of rice, some of Genma's
words seemed to get through.
"What the hell do you mean I have to go to school!?" yelled Guy
indignantly at his father. He didn't need to take this crap. He was a
grown man, damn it! He then remembered that he was currently 16, and
shut his mouth. He also remembered that this was a Ranma fic, and he was
obligated to go to school lest he incur the wrath of the heathens.
"Ranma! You'll do as your Big Daddy..." Genma was cut off as Guy stood
and grabbed the school bag he'd been handed a few minutes before.
"I know, I know. And my name isn't Ranma, it's Guy. Get it straight."
Guy then simply resigned himself to his fate and made for the door.
Genma looked to Soun and mouthed the words, "Gender reaffirmation issues
due to the curse." This was quite a feat considering that he not only
had a mouth filled with soup, but that he would likely never have been
able to pronounce the sentence out loud.
Guy turned a corner to find Kasumi standing by the foyer, a box lunch in
her hands. She had a pair of cute little round ears and what seemed
like a tail which lashed about happily.
She hadn't been a Tit-Mouse Pokegirl last night...
Guy took it in stride as a continuity error that he didn't much mind and
accepted the lunch. "Ohayo, Kasumi."
"Oh-hey-yo to you too... um, Guy was it?" she replied confusedly.
"Yeah, Guy. That's my name and I expect you all to..." He blinked. He
blinked one more time. Then he blinked twice more for good measure
because the situation seemed to call for such action.
"Is something wrong?" asked Kasumi worriedly.
Guy experimentally asked a random phrase in the limited Japanese he
understood from hanging around fluent speakers. At Kasumi's confused
look, Guy realized the truth.
He'd been speaking English the entire time he'd been here. EVERYONE had
been speaking English!
"OH GOD! I'M IN THE DUB!!! NOOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!"
"What the hell is wrong with Super-stud?" quizzed Nabiki as she walked
into the foyer and slipped on her shoes.
"~OOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!" Guy continued to scream.
"Not sure. He seems to want a 'dub' or something. Is that a sexual
position?" Kasumi pulled out her Pocket Kama-Sutra and began to search
the index for the entry on how to do a 'Dub.'
"~OOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!"
"We can't let him scream like that all day," Nabiki sighed. "We have to
get to school."
Akane rounded the corner and punched Guy on the head as hard as she
could. The boy went dead like a sack of dead gerbils and laid there
breathing shallowly. "Evil bitch!" yelled Akane, the semi-feral Evil
Bitch type Pokegirl, in triumph. She picked up her fallen opponent and
began walking to school.
Akane stopped to ask he sister if she was coming. "Evil bitch?"
"Yeah Akane, I'm coming," Nabiki sighed.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump,
rattle.
"I don't think that's good for him, Sis," commented Nabiki as she
applied some more mascara.
"Eeeeeevil bitch," chirped Akane cheerfully.
Thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump,
rattle.
Nabiki sighed and stopped looking at herself in the compact long enough
to give a firm glare at her sister. "I'm serious, Akane. You might give
him brain damage or something."
"Evil bitch..." Akane hung her head in shame and stopped holding Guy's
head against the picket fence. An idea formed in Kane's mind and she
decided to voice it. "Ev-evil, evil bitch?"
Nabiki thought seriously for a few moments. "Not sure."
Deciding that the idea had merit, Nabiki bent down to have a look at
Guy's head. He was only bleeding a little, and those lumps didn't look
like they hurt all that much. "Nah. I doubt big bad Mr. Kung Fu would
want to go to the doctor's for something this minor."
"Evil bitch?" asked Akane hopefully.
"No, I don't think we should hurt him more," Nabiki sighed.
They continued to school, humming slightly in a duet of some song or
other. Guy was of course, being dragged on the ground without a single
concern for his well-being. They didn't even think twice of cutting
through the empty lot where local kids liked to shoot glass bottles with
BB-guns.
Once they were just a block from Furinkan, Akane pitched Guy into a bush
and with a cry of "Evil bitch!!!" she sprinted to the gates for her
morning workout.
Nabiki watched with mild interest as Guy jumped out of the rose bush
slightly perturbed. She left the poor boy to his cursing while he tried
to remove the thorns and little hunks of glass. She had to make sure
that her agents did their jobs and got ready for the betting.
As a Greedy Ho Pokegirl, Nabiki knew a potential money-making scheme
when she saw it. And the way she liked to make money was on fights, and
once Guy met Kuno...
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy was catlike, agility in its purest essence. He was as the ninja:
silent, yet deadly.
With skills beyond compare, he crept his away around the skirmish as
Akane dispatched her usual suitors. Suddenly, out of the corner of his
eye, an incredible opportunity presented itself.
With speed hereto unknown to man or author, Guy sprang from his place of
hiding, and attacked with all he had. He grabbed onto his foe
desperately, and grappled mightily, but this was an opponent not to be
taken lightly.
"PERVERT!!!" screamed the girl, slapping away the sicko who'd attached
himself to her chest. It was getting so a girl couldn't watch a
demeaning objectification of another woman without being groped these
days.
"I REGRET NOTHING!!!" responded Guy, his trajectory unchangeable as he
rocketed across the yard toward the fight. He smashed headfirst into the
last of Akane's attackers, knocking him out cold.
Guy stood and dusted himself off. He was really getting used to the
constant severe head traumas.
An object flew through the air with a whistle, headed right for Akane.
With his fantastic reflexes, it was a simple matter to reach out and
intercept the pair of Air Force Ones.
Guy blinked. Shoes...?
"Slow your roll, playa!"
Guy dropped the shoes covered his face. This wasn't about to happen...
"What's you think you're doin', home-fry?" came a belligerent voice from
across the yard.
"I'm not doin' nothing," replied Guy as he looked up to see if this was
what he thought it was.
"You sho' nuff be doin' somthin! You're getting all static in my tight
game!" challenged Kuno, the hardest rapper in all of West-side Nerima.
He wore all the latest FUBU, the flyest bling-bling with the hottest
ice, and he topped it off with a pair of flea market Oakleys. "Them
kicks is for my boo!"
Guy shook his head and handed the shoes to Akane. "Better?"
"Nah, we gots to throw down," replied Kuno.
"Fine," Guy sighed. "Let me at least tell you my..."
"BREAK YO'SELF!" interrupted Kuno. "I gotta give my alias first. It's
the way the ballers roll."
Guy shrugged and motioned for Kuno to do what he had to do.
"I'm biggest playa in the High School rapping scene! Eleventh grade,
Class B! Tatewaki Kuno: age seventeen! The Blue Roller of Furinkan High!
FU-RIN-KAAAN!!!" barked Kuno, posing dramatically and throwing his
hands up in some odd gang-sign type shapes. As he posed the sounds of
police sirens and gunfire were heard in the distance.
Guy stared for a while. Once his wits were back upon him he decided to
introduce himself. He knew the perfect way to do this.
"I'm the new Daddy at the Tendo crib," Guy stated with a huge smile.
Kuno couldn't believe what he heard. "JIGGA WHAT!?!" He drew his wooden
sword and swung at Guy.
The attack was dodged flawlessly, and Guy continued his intro. "I'm Guy
Saotome, heir to the Saotome school of Anything Goes Pimpin! And I
accept the right to whup your monkey ass!"
Guy dodged a few more strikes nimbly, taking time every here and again
to pose for the ladies watching the altercation. After a few minutes Guy
decided enough was enough and reached into his shirt for his school's
weapon of choice.
"Buddha Puts His Bitch in Check!!!" With deft movements Guy emptied a
small poof of baby powder into his right hand, reared back, and gave
Kuno an open handed slap loud enough to rattle the windows and send him
crashing into a tree.
Guy dusted off his hands and smirked. He barely noticed that it started
raining.
Just before Kuno passed out, he caught a glimpse of a girl standing over
him and dusting off her hands. Obviously that scrap Saotome had punked
out like a little puss and left the most beautiful of the ho's from his
stable to clean up.
Kuno decided there and then that he would have this ho as his own. He
slipped into unconsciousness, dreams of his Pigtailed Shorty awaiting
him.
+++++++++++++++++++++
In China, a pair of men stood in front of a convenience store trying to
attract new business for themselves. One of them was a young man with
long hair beneath a backwards baseball cap; he also wore a long white
trench coat that didn't seem to flutter at all even in the stiff wind
blowing through the city. The other had one long fang jutting from his
upper lip. He wore a yellow bandanna with matching jacket tied around
his waist.
The one in the coat froze suddenly. He tapped his cohort on the shoulder
and pointed to the East.
"What the fuck, Lunchbox?" cursed Ryo.
The boy in the coat, rolled his eyes, and produced a toy light-saber
along with a map of Japan.
"What's that, Silent Mousse? You feel a disturbance in the Farce?" Ryo
frowned. "This is some serious shit. You know what this means don't
you?"
Mousse nodded.
"It means we gotta find some fly bitches to suck our cocks." Ryo ground
and thrust his hips against an invisible booty for emphasis.
Mousse smacked Ryo on the shoulder and gave him an incredulous look.
"What? See Cologne? Fine, you whiny little bitch," Ryo conceded,
somewhat angrily.
The pair then made for the bus station in silence. At least one of them
was silent. Ryo never seemed shut his damn trap.
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Well it's been a while since I put anything out. That's because school
was a green-haired bitch. I decided that since I didn't have anything
out in a long while, I might as well put this out. It's something that
I'd been working on off and on during school as a stress reliever.
Figured it was good enough to just throw out to tide people over for a
while, maybe give someone some ideas for something fun they'd like to
write.
-Guy
Next time, on New Text Document: Guy fast approaches the end of his
first chapter. Once he passes that, what will happen? Will he go home?
Die? Will some more wacky and unexpected shit happen!?! Okay, maybe it's
not such a surprise, BUT READ ANYWAY!!!
Disclaimer: Standard issue one this time. This fic is odd enough as it
is. Ranma½ does not belong to me. Neither do any other anime/manga
series which may be added or revised. Borrowed concepts/characters
belong to their respective creators.
C&C, hatemail, and MORE hatemail to:
guy_jin@hotmail.com
Note: I've decided to reinstitute the theme songs for this fic. The
themes won't be anything consistent with the story though. They're just
odd bits here and there of just plain fun songs that I'd recommend to
anyone.
Today's theme: My Sweet Banana – By the Go Go Girls. If the name is
familiar, they've done a lot of music for Initial D.
By: Guy Jin
New Text Document
A Whole New Man
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
In a dark room sat a lone man, idling his hours away at his computer
screen when he could be doing something more productive, like looking
for a job, getting a girlfriend, visiting old friends, or hell even
going outside just to find out if the sun was still the same color.
"Hmmm..." he hmmm'd. "I wonder what I should write now..."
Out of curiosity he maneuvered his mouse over to the small icon in his
taskbar to check his mail.
"Only seven messages?" he wondered aloud. With a shrug he opened each
one up, discarding the two pieces of spam. "Damn Delphi boards," he
cursed, "give away MY e-mail to some mailing list will they?" He
continued to check the mail, muttering every now and again something
about, "Som'bitches," "Machine guns," and, "Blow up the server."
A frown made its way across his features as he read what mail he'd
gotten. He sensed a trend...
Just to make sure, he went back and re-read all his mail from the past
few days, stopping only to delete those same two pieces of spam, which
had apparently been resent while he was checking his actual messages.
No doubt about it, there was a definite pattern.
deer Guy
U rite gewd I leik to read yor storys. rite more Savior's Blood/Wild
Guardian/Grand Tour. J00 shuld do this, cuz I think it wuld be kewl
-Piece in teh middle-east
That isn't to say that he didn't have intelligent fans (C&C please!),
but there was more than one that seemed to think that it took far too
long to include all the unimportant things in their letters. Things like
vowels, nouns, punctuations, grammar. You know, little stuff.
But that was all beside the point. What mattered was that people really
liked his fics. That thought always gave him a warm fuzzy feeling.
"They really do love my work," he sighed reverently. "They can't wait
for the next installment of whatever I have planned. And that makes me
feel... Makes me feel..." He leaned back in his chair in thought as he
tried to find a word to articulate how he felt.
"GODLY!!!"
His evil cackling echoed throughout the house, shaking the family photos
on the walls. Luckily no one was home, or he'd have some 'splainin to
do.
Fifteen minutes later Guy managed to pull himself off the floor. "Note
to self," he whispered hoarsely, "buy throat-candies." Throat candies
being what he called those little candies you suck on when you have a
sore throat.
He called them this for the simple fact that he couldn't spell
'loasinge' if his life depended on it... See?
He idly sat and wondered just what he should work on next.
Some adventure in Wild Guardian?
Maybe some horror and angst in Savior's Blood?
Or perhaps a bit of action from Grand Tour?
"Hmmm..." he once more hmmm'd. After a few minutes of thought he decided
to try something different.
Guy opened up a new .txt file in the folder he kept for fics that were
being worked on, leaving it named as the default New Text Document.
He quickly set about his work, his fingers flying (man, I wish) across
the keyboard, his spelling and grammar perfect and flawless (man I
REALLY wish).
After a few minutes of furious typing, he stopped to review the
freestyle he'd just written. "This will be... different..." he mumbled,
and set about completing his latest... thing...
++++++++++++++++++++++
A few hours later, roughly 5 a.m. Pacific Standard time, Guy saved his
newest work and closed up all his windows.
He leaned back in his chair and yawned heavily.
"Damn that was a long thing I just wrote," he commented on what he'd
just finished.
He sat for a few more minutes in a sleepy haze.
"Oh crap, I gotta send this to the hosts and post it up on the ff.net
and..." Guy began to count off the various things he'd have to do before
he went to sleep, because he just knew he'd never get it out if he put
it off.
After a few minutes he came to a decision.
"Ya know what? Forget it. I'm not even gunna submit it to my regular
places," he chuckled. "This thing is stupid, I won't even bother my
prereaders with this trash."
He frowned for a second time that night.
"But I did do all that work," he reasoned. "I should at least put it out
SOMEWHERE."
Opening a quick search on Google he found a few sites that seemed
prospective for being a dump for his discontinued fic.
Picking one at random he searched through the rules of submitting.
Deciding that he fit the bill close enough for submitting, he closed up
the window and opened up his Hotmail to send in his new fic.
He quickly banged out an introduction to the site maintainer and a
synopsis of his story. Just as he was about to send it, his eyes
wandered up to the address bar.
"Well isn't this peachy," he sighed. He'd forgotten to type in the
address. "I don't wanna go searching for that site again," he groaned.
With a shrug he began to type in what he thought to be closest to the
proper address. With that done he shut off his pc for the night and
crawled into bed.
Just as he was pulling up the covers he realized that he'd forgotten to
change the file name from the default, or to even give the thing a
proper name.
"Feh, it doesn't matter," he grumbled. "It's just some crappy
self-insert fic that I don't want anything to do with again."
And so he drifted off.
+++++++++++++++++++
High above the mortal plane there resides a mighty super-computer. So
super is this super-computer that it was more of a
super-duper-computer... with a whipped cream and a cherry on top. This
particular computer was known as the Yggdrasil, and was used for a very
important task.
The Yggdrasil--or Jill as it liked to be called on weekends--was placed
in control, by no less than Kami-sama himself, to oversee the universal
happenings and hubbubs.
It received jillions, hence the nickname, bytes of information every
nanosecond. With this information it was able to make changes to the
fabric of reality itself in order to maintain the balance created by the
Creator.
Now you must understand, with so much data coming in at such a high
rate, it's difficult to catch every single thing, even for the mighty
Jill.
One such bit of information was an e-mail sent from a certain fanfic
writer extraordinaire.
Jill quickly analyzed the letter and its attachment before setting about
the necessary changes to reality.
++++++++++++++++++
Guy opened his eyes, finding himself fully rested in mind, but totally
wiped in body.
"What the hell?" he questioned to no one in particular. "Have I been
sleep-jogging? Why am I so tired?"
The question pertaining to his weariness quickly gave way to the
question of why he was outside, which in turn gave way to why he was
holding firewood, which then turned to... well you get the idea. He had
a damn lot of questions. But one really stuck out in his mind; so much
so in fact that he had to give it voice.
"Why are my pecs all big and squishy?"
Hold the phone.
Wait.
Pause.
Time out.
Stop the clock.
This was wrong.
Something was wrong, anyway.
The question echoed in his head for a few seconds.
After a while of just standing there, holding the firewood to his ample
bust, Guy dropped his cargo to the ground in favor of copping a feel on
himself.
"Hmmm..." he hmmm'd, as he tended to do when the mood to hmmm struck
him.
Now, being the mental whiz he was, Guy's mind took to the situation like
a fish to fire and began to systematically tally up every possible
explanation.
A: He'd eaten far too many hot pockets and had developed serious
man-boobs like that one dude he had P.E. with in the 10th grade.
Highly unlikely given the short amount of time allotted for such growth.
B: He'd been bitten by a radio-active cow.
Also unlikely as he'd often tended to stay away from cows for just that
reason.
C: He'd accidentally submitted that fic he'd written to the mighty
Yggdrasil, and a glitch in its programming had caused it to warp space
and time to insert him onto his own self-insert fic.
...
... ...
... ... ...
After several minutes of intense chuckling, Guy decided that the last
one was by far the most unlikely of the three.
"This will require more intel," he reasoned seriously.
And so he set about gathering information in the way any lab scientist
would be proud of:
Groping.
He groped the chest; noting once more the increased size, noting it a
couple of times in fact.
He groped his hair; realizing that it was in a stylish ponytail and was
of a reddish tint.
He groped the crotch; taking SPECIAL note that he was missing his meat
'n potaters.
Tabulating all the gathered information, Guy managed the conclusion that
C was in fact the proper answer.
He blinked. "Well I'll be damned... Heh... Heh heh... HAH! HAHAHAHA!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
*WHAM*
"Shut up foo'!" barked Genma. "You wanna give 'way our position?"
The man glared down at his son, concern showing through his wide-rimmed,
neon pink, zircon studded glasses.
Without another word he picked up his unconscious son and carried him to
their campgrounds.
Hopefully the boy wouldn't sleep the whole way to the Tendo's.
++++++++++++++++
"Oh, that must be them!" cried Soun happily as he got up from the table
to greet his long lost friend and his future son-in-law.
"I hope he's rich," commented Nabiki as she moved to follow.
Kasumi stood and walked demurely to after the other two, a hand held to
her cheek worriedly. "I hope he has a big cock."
"Evil bitch," muttered Akane as she skulked along.
Akane and Kasumi were soon greeted by the two family members who'd just
left to greet their guests. They both blinked and watched wide-eyed as a
panda strutted, not walked, not hobbled, not even sauntered, but
strutted, into the room.
Then again this was no mere panda!
This panda was fully set: high heeled platform shoes, a full length
llama-hair overcoat, a fedora with a peacock's feather, and of course
enough gold chains to sink a Spanish galleon. Never mind the fact that
the giant peace medallions and oversized clocks were turning the fur a
slight green color, it was still all together a very impressive package.
This panda was the embodiment of the word, "funk."
"Growf," it said in a low, somehow suggestive, if not outright sexual,
tone.
"Genma?" breathed Soun nervously, recognizing his old friend's favorite
pick up line. Ah yes. The amount of tail they'd scored with the line,
"Growf," was legendary.
The panda only nodded, and set down the limp body draped over its
shoulder as the passenger began to stir.
"Wha' happa'?" asked Guy.
He looked around nervously, instantly recognizing his surroundings. But
how'd he get to the Tendo dojo? Last he'd remembered he was in the
forest. He reached up to scratch his head in thought and winced from
pain. Suddenly it all came back to him.
+++++++++++++++++++
Genma strutted down the dirt path towards the next town on his way to
the main ports in one of the larger cities.
Sure there was no one to see him strut, but that was no reason to get
out of practice. Over his shoulder was his son, Ranma, his pride and
joy. Too bad he was a girl right then--a really foxy one at that.
The tree line began to come closer together, causing the path to narrow
drastically. It seemed the perfect place for an ambush.
Genma's eyes narrowed at that thought. Then he shrugged. Whatever
happened, happened.
Little did he know that his shrug had jarred his passenger enough to
rouse her from unconsciousness.
"Huh?"
Genma turned quickly, expecting some form of attack from his rear.
Seeing nothing he simply continued along the narrow path.
On his shoulder was Guy, a large lump on her head and a trickle of blood
from her nose from where Genma had smacked her into a tree when he'd
turned around.
Genma sighed. "How much longer this kid gunna sleep?"
+++++++++++++++++++
In the boiler room beneath a cargo ship crossing the Sea of Japan.
Genma sat on his tie-dye beanbag chair, sipping lazily at the cup from
his thermos.
This sure was a boring, if the boy had been awake they could have
probably swum back, then he could've at least been scamming for mermaids
or something. There was absolutely ZERO trim on this oversized bath
toy.
Nearby rested Guy, now in his male form, lying on a cot dangerously
close to the furnace. The boat pitched to one side as a large wave
crashed against the hull, not a lot, but just enough to slide Guy's arm
off the cot and right next to the furnace.
He was still wearing the dirty gi that Genma insisted he wear when they
were training, lest they muss their finer threads.
The long sleeved tunic began to smoke slightly as the heat from the fire
inside the blast furnace picked up a bit. In a show the laws of thermal
conduction which would make any science teacher sickened with pride,
Guy's sleeve went up in flames.
Guy shot up in bed, his hand flying out to beat down the flames, but
before he could even let out a scream of surprise the sea nudged the
boat again the boat again.
THONG!!!
Genma looked over his shoulder to see his son in flames. With a casual
flick he doused the fire with what was left in the cup.
"Damn boy'd be lost without me ta guide him through the ways of
pimpitude," muttered Genma as he emptied a box of wine into his 'JJ
Walker, DYNOMITE!!!' thermos.
He didn't even notice the second lump forming on Guy's head from the
piping above his cot.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy blinked as he remembered the reasons for his extended napping. It
rather did explain the tenderness of his scalp.
The feeling of a collapsed lung from the bone-crushing hug he was
receiving immediately superceded and drowned out the pain in his head.
"OH, RANMA!!!" cried Soun. "I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE!!!"
With instincts honed by instantaneously popping into the body of someone
with the patience to hone skills the natural way, Guy punched Soun in
the throat twice, put a foot to his groin, and twisted the man's nipples
in opposite directions—one clockwise, the other counter-clockwise.
As soon as he'd hit the ground Guy was off like a shot. No way would he
get mixed into the crap that he knew Ranma's life was. So onward he ran.
Then he ran some more. Once he felt a comfortable distance from the
source of evil, he had a seat on an elderly man who'd collapsed in the
park, as he was the only seating available.
Sure he should have gone for some form of help, and maybe not doing so
would brand him as some kind of deviant by average people, but nuts to
them, they'll never know the comfort afforded by such a luxury. Old
people make a dandy resting place. The small ones even make awesome
ottomans.
Kids, try this at home.
He closed his eyes and thought. So far he'd so very little time to think
except for those first few moments when he'd first arrived. And those
hadn't turned out too well at all. In fact they'd turned out badly, and
earned him a knock on the melon that had resulted in a few more knocks.
Come to think of it, he thought too much. What he needed was action.
Mindless action: action so mindless and imbecilic that it acted as
nothing less than a pure antithesis to all forms of intelligence. He
needed something so mind bogglingly idiotic that it would stop any and
all forms of thought.
Maybe they were showing something with Vin Deisel in a theater somewhere
nearby.
He reached down and felt the elderly man's underbelly, finding a
newspaper in the man's sweater, he searched the movie listings; pausing only to toss aside
a poorly drawn picture of the man and a child. The picture was labeled
'Me and Grandpa' in cute backwards letters. It was tossed aside since it
obviously held more intelligent content than a Vin Deisel flick, and
might therefore conjure some intelligent thought—the little picture of
the sun in a monster truck in the background of the picture proved that
much.
"Help... me..."
Guy's eyes moved to and fro. He saw nothing and so shrugged and returned
to his paper.
"Please... you are heavy..."
Guy looked around one more time. Still nothing was to be found.
"I need... a doctor..."
Guy looked down to the man he rested upon and said, "SHHHH! Someone's
trying to talk to me. It's very rude to interrupt."
"Very... sorry..." croaked the old man.
Guy nodded gratefully and noted that the Japanese were indeed a very
polite people. He looked around, but whoever had been calling to him had
apparently left.
He shrugged and tapped the elderly gent on the shoulder--without getting
up of course. "Now, what was it you were wanting?"
There was no answer. He shrugged again because it seemed appropriate. It
must not have been too important.
Just as he went back to reading, a thought popped in his head. Having
forgot his reasons for opposing any such actions he pursued the thought
and developed it.
He was in the Ranmaverse, this thing was true, but it was also not true.
Back at the dojo Genma had been big pimpin'. As big pimpin' as a panda
could be anyway. Meaning that this was in fact the fic he'd written.
He knew there was some relevance to this, he really did, but all those
slight concussions did wonders for skewing a person's short-term memory.
The deeper he thought on the subject the worse the pain in his head
grew. He did manage to recall one thing, however.
The Tendo girls were sluts in this fic.
Guy stood heroically—as heroically as one can stand when one is standing
heroically upon the back of an unconscious, likely dead, geriatric—and
pointed to the heavens.
"TO THE UNITY OF THE SCHOOLS!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++
It was a bright and shiny new day throughout Nerima. The fish were
swimming in the pond, the birds chirped happily, and the giant pandas
did the Hustle with their best friends to the tune of Blackstar's 'No
Parking on the Dance Floor.'
Guy awoke with a severe, yet pleasant, ache in his groin. He tried to
get off the bed, but found himself stuck to the sheets. He nodded
stoically and glanced at the clock on the nightstand.
Six-thirty a.m. on what he believed was a Monday. He made a mental note
to buy a calendar and to mark this moment down, for it was the pinnacle
of his life. The thought that this might be a bit sad had crossed his
mind, but then he tried to get out of the bed again, and the thought was
quickly stabbed in the face with a pair of ice tongs.
"Ranma~" breathed a lump next to him in a sing-song, near angelic,
voice. "You were awesome."
Guy cried tears of joy as he reached up and felt the firm breast of
Nabiki Tendo.
"Yeah kid, you were a monster last night, ya get it? An insatiable
beast, if ya get my drift. That is, once we got a few pints into ya,
know what I mean?"
Guy blinked. That didn't sound like Akane. And it sure didn't sound like
Kasumi. The voice was way, way, WAAAAAAAAAAY too deep.
With supreme effort, Guy turned his head, looked over the edge of the
bed, and found two strange men. One was a rather large black fellow with
a huge fro and mutton-chop sideburns. The other was a Caucasian man
with a mustache thicker than Tendo's, and ass hair to match. The pair of
strangers got up and dressed, gave a wave goodbye, and went for the
door.
Before leaving, the white dude turned around and gave a thumbs up to
Guy, adding in a little wink and a tongue click for emphasis.
Guy had to know... He was supremely afraid, but he had to know... He
reached up to his own chest, and was relieved to find that he had no
breasts.
"Oh no, you must be stuck to the bed," commented Nabiki. "Let me help
you up."
The girl grabbed a nearby bucket of cold water and tossed it on Guy,
washing away the... stuff... and changing him into a girl.
Standing quickly, Guy surveyed the room and found various used
prophylactics, a number of empty water buckets, a couple of hot plates,
and some empty tea kettles. She also took a moment to realize that her
jaw hurt.
"Mmmm..." purred Nabiki, coming up behind girl-Guy to feel her up. "I
love watching this sexy little bod in action. I could watch you give
head all night long."
Guy's lip trembled, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.
"Wh-who... Who did I go down on...?" she croaked.
"Uh oh, look at the time. We need to get ready for school," said Nabiki
worriedly. She then rushed out the door, stark naked.
Guy twitched and spazzed for a few minutes while she waited for her
brain to start back up, or for her jaw to stop hurting; whichever
happened first. Eventually Kasumi walked in, found her in this shape.
Kasumi simply poured hot water from one of the kettles onto the cursed,
and confused, young girl, turning her back into a boy. Guy snapped out
of it quickly, saw Kasumi, and kissed her long and deep.
"Good morning to you too," said Kasumi with a smile once Guy was done
reaffirming his sexuality. "The bath is ready. And breakfast should be
the same by the time you're done."
Now that he was fully assured that he did in fact have a deep love of
the poontang, Guy stood tall, puffed out his manly chest, and fell to
the ground crying.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy had dug through the clothes in the duffel bag that carried all his
worldly possessions. Many of the clothing articles were hideous
monstrosities of polyester and day-glow rayon. Luckily there was a set
of standard Ranma gear at the bottom of the duffel: a red silk shirt
with frog-ties and a pair of black pants with the little nylon bungee
thingies in the waist and ankles.
Once he was dressed, Guy tied his hair into the trademark pigtail on a
whim, and then went downstairs. He ate leisurely, trying to figure his
next move.
Genma was saying something at him, but it probably wasn't important.
Just as he was digging into his fifth helping of rice, some of Genma's
words seemed to get through.
"What the hell do you mean I have to go to school!?" yelled Guy
indignantly at his father. He didn't need to take this crap. He was a
grown man, damn it! He then remembered that he was currently 16, and
shut his mouth. He also remembered that this was a Ranma fic, and he was
obligated to go to school lest he incur the wrath of the heathens.
"Ranma! You'll do as your Big Daddy..." Genma was cut off as Guy stood
and grabbed the school bag he'd been handed a few minutes before.
"I know, I know. And my name isn't Ranma, it's Guy. Get it straight."
Guy then simply resigned himself to his fate and made for the door.
Genma looked to Soun and mouthed the words, "Gender reaffirmation issues
due to the curse." This was quite a feat considering that he not only
had a mouth filled with soup, but that he would likely never have been
able to pronounce the sentence out loud.
Guy turned a corner to find Kasumi standing by the foyer, a box lunch in
her hands. She had a pair of cute little round ears and what seemed
like a tail which lashed about happily.
She hadn't been a Tit-Mouse Pokegirl last night...
Guy took it in stride as a continuity error that he didn't much mind and
accepted the lunch. "Ohayo, Kasumi."
"Oh-hey-yo to you too... um, Guy was it?" she replied confusedly.
"Yeah, Guy. That's my name and I expect you all to..." He blinked. He
blinked one more time. Then he blinked twice more for good measure
because the situation seemed to call for such action.
"Is something wrong?" asked Kasumi worriedly.
Guy experimentally asked a random phrase in the limited Japanese he
understood from hanging around fluent speakers. At Kasumi's confused
look, Guy realized the truth.
He'd been speaking English the entire time he'd been here. EVERYONE had
been speaking English!
"OH GOD! I'M IN THE DUB!!! NOOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!"
"What the hell is wrong with Super-stud?" quizzed Nabiki as she walked
into the foyer and slipped on her shoes.
"~OOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!" Guy continued to scream.
"Not sure. He seems to want a 'dub' or something. Is that a sexual
position?" Kasumi pulled out her Pocket Kama-Sutra and began to search
the index for the entry on how to do a 'Dub.'
"~OOOOOOOOOO~~~!!!"
"We can't let him scream like that all day," Nabiki sighed. "We have to
get to school."
Akane rounded the corner and punched Guy on the head as hard as she
could. The boy went dead like a sack of dead gerbils and laid there
breathing shallowly. "Evil bitch!" yelled Akane, the semi-feral Evil
Bitch type Pokegirl, in triumph. She picked up her fallen opponent and
began walking to school.
Akane stopped to ask he sister if she was coming. "Evil bitch?"
"Yeah Akane, I'm coming," Nabiki sighed.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump,
rattle.
"I don't think that's good for him, Sis," commented Nabiki as she
applied some more mascara.
"Eeeeeevil bitch," chirped Akane cheerfully.
Thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump, rattle, thump,
rattle.
Nabiki sighed and stopped looking at herself in the compact long enough
to give a firm glare at her sister. "I'm serious, Akane. You might give
him brain damage or something."
"Evil bitch..." Akane hung her head in shame and stopped holding Guy's
head against the picket fence. An idea formed in Kane's mind and she
decided to voice it. "Ev-evil, evil bitch?"
Nabiki thought seriously for a few moments. "Not sure."
Deciding that the idea had merit, Nabiki bent down to have a look at
Guy's head. He was only bleeding a little, and those lumps didn't look
like they hurt all that much. "Nah. I doubt big bad Mr. Kung Fu would
want to go to the doctor's for something this minor."
"Evil bitch?" asked Akane hopefully.
"No, I don't think we should hurt him more," Nabiki sighed.
They continued to school, humming slightly in a duet of some song or
other. Guy was of course, being dragged on the ground without a single
concern for his well-being. They didn't even think twice of cutting
through the empty lot where local kids liked to shoot glass bottles with
BB-guns.
Once they were just a block from Furinkan, Akane pitched Guy into a bush
and with a cry of "Evil bitch!!!" she sprinted to the gates for her
morning workout.
Nabiki watched with mild interest as Guy jumped out of the rose bush
slightly perturbed. She left the poor boy to his cursing while he tried
to remove the thorns and little hunks of glass. She had to make sure
that her agents did their jobs and got ready for the betting.
As a Greedy Ho Pokegirl, Nabiki knew a potential money-making scheme
when she saw it. And the way she liked to make money was on fights, and
once Guy met Kuno...
+++++++++++++++++++++
Guy was catlike, agility in its purest essence. He was as the ninja:
silent, yet deadly.
With skills beyond compare, he crept his away around the skirmish as
Akane dispatched her usual suitors. Suddenly, out of the corner of his
eye, an incredible opportunity presented itself.
With speed hereto unknown to man or author, Guy sprang from his place of
hiding, and attacked with all he had. He grabbed onto his foe
desperately, and grappled mightily, but this was an opponent not to be
taken lightly.
"PERVERT!!!" screamed the girl, slapping away the sicko who'd attached
himself to her chest. It was getting so a girl couldn't watch a
demeaning objectification of another woman without being groped these
days.
"I REGRET NOTHING!!!" responded Guy, his trajectory unchangeable as he
rocketed across the yard toward the fight. He smashed headfirst into the
last of Akane's attackers, knocking him out cold.
Guy stood and dusted himself off. He was really getting used to the
constant severe head traumas.
An object flew through the air with a whistle, headed right for Akane.
With his fantastic reflexes, it was a simple matter to reach out and
intercept the pair of Air Force Ones.
Guy blinked. Shoes...?
"Slow your roll, playa!"
Guy dropped the shoes covered his face. This wasn't about to happen...
"What's you think you're doin', home-fry?" came a belligerent voice from
across the yard.
"I'm not doin' nothing," replied Guy as he looked up to see if this was
what he thought it was.
"You sho' nuff be doin' somthin! You're getting all static in my tight
game!" challenged Kuno, the hardest rapper in all of West-side Nerima.
He wore all the latest FUBU, the flyest bling-bling with the hottest
ice, and he topped it off with a pair of flea market Oakleys. "Them
kicks is for my boo!"
Guy shook his head and handed the shoes to Akane. "Better?"
"Nah, we gots to throw down," replied Kuno.
"Fine," Guy sighed. "Let me at least tell you my..."
"BREAK YO'SELF!" interrupted Kuno. "I gotta give my alias first. It's
the way the ballers roll."
Guy shrugged and motioned for Kuno to do what he had to do.
"I'm biggest playa in the High School rapping scene! Eleventh grade,
Class B! Tatewaki Kuno: age seventeen! The Blue Roller of Furinkan High!
FU-RIN-KAAAN!!!" barked Kuno, posing dramatically and throwing his
hands up in some odd gang-sign type shapes. As he posed the sounds of
police sirens and gunfire were heard in the distance.
Guy stared for a while. Once his wits were back upon him he decided to
introduce himself. He knew the perfect way to do this.
"I'm the new Daddy at the Tendo crib," Guy stated with a huge smile.
Kuno couldn't believe what he heard. "JIGGA WHAT!?!" He drew his wooden
sword and swung at Guy.
The attack was dodged flawlessly, and Guy continued his intro. "I'm Guy
Saotome, heir to the Saotome school of Anything Goes Pimpin! And I
accept the right to whup your monkey ass!"
Guy dodged a few more strikes nimbly, taking time every here and again
to pose for the ladies watching the altercation. After a few minutes Guy
decided enough was enough and reached into his shirt for his school's
weapon of choice.
"Buddha Puts His Bitch in Check!!!" With deft movements Guy emptied a
small poof of baby powder into his right hand, reared back, and gave
Kuno an open handed slap loud enough to rattle the windows and send him
crashing into a tree.
Guy dusted off his hands and smirked. He barely noticed that it started
raining.
Just before Kuno passed out, he caught a glimpse of a girl standing over
him and dusting off her hands. Obviously that scrap Saotome had punked
out like a little puss and left the most beautiful of the ho's from his
stable to clean up.
Kuno decided there and then that he would have this ho as his own. He
slipped into unconsciousness, dreams of his Pigtailed Shorty awaiting
him.
+++++++++++++++++++++
In China, a pair of men stood in front of a convenience store trying to
attract new business for themselves. One of them was a young man with
long hair beneath a backwards baseball cap; he also wore a long white
trench coat that didn't seem to flutter at all even in the stiff wind
blowing through the city. The other had one long fang jutting from his
upper lip. He wore a yellow bandanna with matching jacket tied around
his waist.
The one in the coat froze suddenly. He tapped his cohort on the shoulder
and pointed to the East.
"What the fuck, Lunchbox?" cursed Ryo.
The boy in the coat, rolled his eyes, and produced a toy light-saber
along with a map of Japan.
"What's that, Silent Mousse? You feel a disturbance in the Farce?" Ryo
frowned. "This is some serious shit. You know what this means don't
you?"
Mousse nodded.
"It means we gotta find some fly bitches to suck our cocks." Ryo ground
and thrust his hips against an invisible booty for emphasis.
Mousse smacked Ryo on the shoulder and gave him an incredulous look.
"What? See Cologne? Fine, you whiny little bitch," Ryo conceded,
somewhat angrily.
The pair then made for the bus station in silence. At least one of them
was silent. Ryo never seemed shut his damn trap.
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Well it's been a while since I put anything out. That's because school
was a green-haired bitch. I decided that since I didn't have anything
out in a long while, I might as well put this out. It's something that
I'd been working on off and on during school as a stress reliever.
Figured it was good enough to just throw out to tide people over for a
while, maybe give someone some ideas for something fun they'd like to
write.
-Guy
Next time, on New Text Document: Guy fast approaches the end of his
first chapter. Once he passes that, what will happen? Will he go home?
Die? Will some more wacky and unexpected shit happen!?! Okay, maybe it's
not such a surprise, BUT READ ANYWAY!!!