Chapter 4. Phoebe, the Puppet Master
One day at the coffeehouse, Rachel read out their horoscopes, and Chandler's predicted that a special someone would soon give him a gift, but then there would be a lover's spat, and later a secret crush would announce itself. Phoebe pretended that *she* had the crush on Chandler, to tease him and to keep him from suspecting her secret plan to get Joey to announce his own crush; little did she know that Joey had already announced it months ago, only to do nothing about it, out of respect for Chandler's relationship with Monica.
Just then, Joey arrived, excited about his first day on the job at *Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.*, but nervous about working with a robot sidekick. "I don't know anything about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn! And that's only 'cause it's right there when you turn it on!"
Monica glared at Chandler. "I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month."
"I'll be waiting," Phoebe said, amused that the universe was apparently cooperating with her plan. Next she would have to choose a book.
While Joey was at work, Ross came by to ask the others to help him impress Elizabeth's dad, Paul Stevens, and they agreed. The meeting went poorly, however, and Paul hated Ross. However, Paul did like Rachel, and they started dating. Ross found this situation weird and disturbing, but Rachel convinced him that it would help him get approval from Paul.
Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler argued with Phoebe over the book she was writing about them. Little did they know that Phoebe was finding the weaknesses in their relationship so that she could prove that Chandler truly belonged with Joey.
When Joey came home, he told them how he had offended the robot's controller guy, Wayne. To his shock, Joey learned that Wayne had the power to get him fired from the series, so he needed to win the guy over.
Rachel tried to help Ross win over Paul at dinner, but she made things worse by accidentally revealing Ross's three divorces. Ross and Elizabeth declared that they would still keep seeing each other, even without her dad's approval.
Phoebe still tormented Monica and Chandler with her book, and indirectly called Chandler "the queen of everything," which made him go all insecure again. Monica really had to be blind not to notice all the hints that Phoebe gave her about Chandler, but she was too busy being mad at Phoebe.
Chandler visited Joey at the TV studio and helped him talk to Wayne, who agreed to save Joey's job, if Joey would just teach him how to flirt with women. So Joey did, and it worked.
But Ross's problem only got worse because Paul threatened to get him fired from NYU if he kept dating Elizabeth. The reckless couple chose to secretly defy her dad anyway by going on a weekend trip to Elizabeth's grandmother's cabin in the woods.
Meanwhile, Phoebe took Rachel and Monica to an exhibit at the Morgan-Chase museum, and they found out that the location could be reserved for weddings. The girls encouraged Monica to sign up on the two-year wait list, even though she and Chandler weren't engaged, and weren't even talking about marriage yet. Phoebe insisted that Monica would be wise to plan ahead, and Rachel agreed. "It can't hurt to put your name down."
But it did hurt. Relaxing at home and screening phone calls that afternoon, Chandler overheard a message from the museum about the supposed "Bing-Geller wedding" and he understandably freaked out.
Phoebe smiled devilishly when she hung up; she had called from Ross's empty apartment and had disguised her voice to pose as "Hildy" from the museum. Now she only had to wait for Monica to get home to make dinner, and the fireworks would start. Sure, Phoebe felt a little bad for Monica, but if she couldn't take a hint--in fact, many hints--then she'd have to be woken up violently to Chandler's true nature.
Not realizing her part in Phoebe's grand scheme, Rachel went to dinner with Paul, who surprised her by taking her away to the same cabin that Ross and Elizabeth had gone to for the weekend; when the couples discovered each other there, Paul of course became furious, but luckily, Ross had discovered a way to blackmail Paul into accepting him.
Back in New York, Phoebe was hanging out at the coffeehouse when Monica came up to her in a panic, telling her that Chandler had found out about the wedding reservation and had stormed off. Monica blamed Phoebe for talking her into signing up at the museum, then she ran off to keep looking for Chandler. Phoebe was secretly pleased by how things were progressing, so she decided to find Joey and tell him what had happened.
Joey quickly agreed to go home and await Chandler's return.
"Now, remember," Phoebe told him as they arrived at Joey's apartment, "you're his best friend and he's probably going to want to find you first and talk to you about it."
"Right, yeah, I'll calm him down."
"Yeah, and he'll probably panic again at the first sign of Monica, so you just keep him over here while I talk to Monica, okay?"
"But I thought they'd want to talk it out?"
"Eventually, but not now! You just, um, you tell him that you're here for him, you're his friend, you love him--stuff like that. Me and Monica will work out what she's going to say to apologize and stuff, and we'll come over when it's ready."
"Okay," he shrugged.
"Oh, and if he's really stressed out, you should mix a spoonful of *this* into his beer." She got out a bottle from the fridge to show Joey. "It's one of my relaxing herbal drinks."
"Okay."
"Well, I gotta go find Monica. Bye!" Phoebe left Joey alone and waiting.
***
Phoebe's plan went slightly awry when she found Monica back at the coffeehouse, and Chandler also showed up, looking for Joey.
Monica attempted to apologize and say that it was all a mistake. "Really, I'm not trying to pressure you. It means nothing!"
"Nothing?" Chandler replied. "You've been wanting to get married forever, to somebody, anybody." He pointed. "Phoebe even told me about you girls all wearing wedding dresses in some big wedding frenzy two years ago."
"Phoebe, how could you?"
Phoebe shrugged and pretended to be sorry, but it was all a part of her plot.
Chandler didn't wait around any longer, and just ran off again. Phoebe caught hold of Monica before she could follow him.
"No, no! You'll only upset him more."
"But, Pheebs--!"
"Don't worry, it's all under control. I've got Joey looking for him, and he'll calm Chandler down. You've got to give him some time, or he'll just make another scene like this."
"Damn it! Why did I ever listen to you? You got me into this!"
"What, you think I planned this?"
Monica sighed and shook her head reluctantly. "I guess not."
"You know what, Mon? I'm gonna give you a massage. For free."
"A massage?"
"Yeah, so you'll feel better and won't be all tense when you see him next. He'll believe you better when you're calm. Come on."
"Okay." Monica let Phoebe drag her away.
"We'll go to Ross's, because I moved my massage table there."
"You did?"
"Uh-huh. Since Ross is gone for the weekend, I thought I'd stay at his place and give you and Chandler some alone time." Phoebe did not mention, though, how she had stolen the key to Ross's apartment.
"That's so sweet! I'm sorry I yelled at you."
So Phoebe took Monica over to Ross's apartment. She closed the drapes so that Monica could get naked in the living room, then Phoebe got her table and oils ready. Just like the last massage, Monica was very pliable, and Phoebe was able to relax her into a deep sleep.
Phoebe figured that now she just had to wait for Rachel to come home from her dinner and catch Joey and Chandler together. Being Monica's friend, and an incurable gossip, Rachel would expose the secret of the guys' mutual love, which would lead to the painful, but necessary breakup. Monica deserved to know the truth about her boyfriend before things went any further between them.
Unfortunately, Phoebe didn't know that Rachel had gone out of town with Paul after their dinner. Joey and Chandler ended up alone all night.
One day at the coffeehouse, Rachel read out their horoscopes, and Chandler's predicted that a special someone would soon give him a gift, but then there would be a lover's spat, and later a secret crush would announce itself. Phoebe pretended that *she* had the crush on Chandler, to tease him and to keep him from suspecting her secret plan to get Joey to announce his own crush; little did she know that Joey had already announced it months ago, only to do nothing about it, out of respect for Chandler's relationship with Monica.
Just then, Joey arrived, excited about his first day on the job at *Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.*, but nervous about working with a robot sidekick. "I don't know anything about technology! I can't even use Chandler's computer except to find porn! And that's only 'cause it's right there when you turn it on!"
Monica glared at Chandler. "I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month."
"I'll be waiting," Phoebe said, amused that the universe was apparently cooperating with her plan. Next she would have to choose a book.
While Joey was at work, Ross came by to ask the others to help him impress Elizabeth's dad, Paul Stevens, and they agreed. The meeting went poorly, however, and Paul hated Ross. However, Paul did like Rachel, and they started dating. Ross found this situation weird and disturbing, but Rachel convinced him that it would help him get approval from Paul.
Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler argued with Phoebe over the book she was writing about them. Little did they know that Phoebe was finding the weaknesses in their relationship so that she could prove that Chandler truly belonged with Joey.
When Joey came home, he told them how he had offended the robot's controller guy, Wayne. To his shock, Joey learned that Wayne had the power to get him fired from the series, so he needed to win the guy over.
Rachel tried to help Ross win over Paul at dinner, but she made things worse by accidentally revealing Ross's three divorces. Ross and Elizabeth declared that they would still keep seeing each other, even without her dad's approval.
Phoebe still tormented Monica and Chandler with her book, and indirectly called Chandler "the queen of everything," which made him go all insecure again. Monica really had to be blind not to notice all the hints that Phoebe gave her about Chandler, but she was too busy being mad at Phoebe.
Chandler visited Joey at the TV studio and helped him talk to Wayne, who agreed to save Joey's job, if Joey would just teach him how to flirt with women. So Joey did, and it worked.
But Ross's problem only got worse because Paul threatened to get him fired from NYU if he kept dating Elizabeth. The reckless couple chose to secretly defy her dad anyway by going on a weekend trip to Elizabeth's grandmother's cabin in the woods.
Meanwhile, Phoebe took Rachel and Monica to an exhibit at the Morgan-Chase museum, and they found out that the location could be reserved for weddings. The girls encouraged Monica to sign up on the two-year wait list, even though she and Chandler weren't engaged, and weren't even talking about marriage yet. Phoebe insisted that Monica would be wise to plan ahead, and Rachel agreed. "It can't hurt to put your name down."
But it did hurt. Relaxing at home and screening phone calls that afternoon, Chandler overheard a message from the museum about the supposed "Bing-Geller wedding" and he understandably freaked out.
Phoebe smiled devilishly when she hung up; she had called from Ross's empty apartment and had disguised her voice to pose as "Hildy" from the museum. Now she only had to wait for Monica to get home to make dinner, and the fireworks would start. Sure, Phoebe felt a little bad for Monica, but if she couldn't take a hint--in fact, many hints--then she'd have to be woken up violently to Chandler's true nature.
Not realizing her part in Phoebe's grand scheme, Rachel went to dinner with Paul, who surprised her by taking her away to the same cabin that Ross and Elizabeth had gone to for the weekend; when the couples discovered each other there, Paul of course became furious, but luckily, Ross had discovered a way to blackmail Paul into accepting him.
Back in New York, Phoebe was hanging out at the coffeehouse when Monica came up to her in a panic, telling her that Chandler had found out about the wedding reservation and had stormed off. Monica blamed Phoebe for talking her into signing up at the museum, then she ran off to keep looking for Chandler. Phoebe was secretly pleased by how things were progressing, so she decided to find Joey and tell him what had happened.
Joey quickly agreed to go home and await Chandler's return.
"Now, remember," Phoebe told him as they arrived at Joey's apartment, "you're his best friend and he's probably going to want to find you first and talk to you about it."
"Right, yeah, I'll calm him down."
"Yeah, and he'll probably panic again at the first sign of Monica, so you just keep him over here while I talk to Monica, okay?"
"But I thought they'd want to talk it out?"
"Eventually, but not now! You just, um, you tell him that you're here for him, you're his friend, you love him--stuff like that. Me and Monica will work out what she's going to say to apologize and stuff, and we'll come over when it's ready."
"Okay," he shrugged.
"Oh, and if he's really stressed out, you should mix a spoonful of *this* into his beer." She got out a bottle from the fridge to show Joey. "It's one of my relaxing herbal drinks."
"Okay."
"Well, I gotta go find Monica. Bye!" Phoebe left Joey alone and waiting.
***
Phoebe's plan went slightly awry when she found Monica back at the coffeehouse, and Chandler also showed up, looking for Joey.
Monica attempted to apologize and say that it was all a mistake. "Really, I'm not trying to pressure you. It means nothing!"
"Nothing?" Chandler replied. "You've been wanting to get married forever, to somebody, anybody." He pointed. "Phoebe even told me about you girls all wearing wedding dresses in some big wedding frenzy two years ago."
"Phoebe, how could you?"
Phoebe shrugged and pretended to be sorry, but it was all a part of her plot.
Chandler didn't wait around any longer, and just ran off again. Phoebe caught hold of Monica before she could follow him.
"No, no! You'll only upset him more."
"But, Pheebs--!"
"Don't worry, it's all under control. I've got Joey looking for him, and he'll calm Chandler down. You've got to give him some time, or he'll just make another scene like this."
"Damn it! Why did I ever listen to you? You got me into this!"
"What, you think I planned this?"
Monica sighed and shook her head reluctantly. "I guess not."
"You know what, Mon? I'm gonna give you a massage. For free."
"A massage?"
"Yeah, so you'll feel better and won't be all tense when you see him next. He'll believe you better when you're calm. Come on."
"Okay." Monica let Phoebe drag her away.
"We'll go to Ross's, because I moved my massage table there."
"You did?"
"Uh-huh. Since Ross is gone for the weekend, I thought I'd stay at his place and give you and Chandler some alone time." Phoebe did not mention, though, how she had stolen the key to Ross's apartment.
"That's so sweet! I'm sorry I yelled at you."
So Phoebe took Monica over to Ross's apartment. She closed the drapes so that Monica could get naked in the living room, then Phoebe got her table and oils ready. Just like the last massage, Monica was very pliable, and Phoebe was able to relax her into a deep sleep.
Phoebe figured that now she just had to wait for Rachel to come home from her dinner and catch Joey and Chandler together. Being Monica's friend, and an incurable gossip, Rachel would expose the secret of the guys' mutual love, which would lead to the painful, but necessary breakup. Monica deserved to know the truth about her boyfriend before things went any further between them.
Unfortunately, Phoebe didn't know that Rachel had gone out of town with Paul after their dinner. Joey and Chandler ended up alone all night.