Shattered Illusions and Broken Promises
Disclaimer: The usual Andromeda belongs to tribune
It used to be fun just the three of us Dad, Rafe and me, but good things never last I should have known that I suppose. It took me a long while to figure out was going on partly I guess because I was in denial and partly because the change was so gradual from loving father to flash addict. I used to tell my self that Dad was just ill, or it really was my fault, or he was just drunk. Of course I knew the some of the big hauls were flash, but life was hard as a cargo hauler you had to make your money were you could, but dad would never sample the merchandise, he was not an addict. Eventually I realised I was just making excuses for him to my self I see that now I didn't want to face the truth. My dad the centre of my universe had become an addict.
At first it was only occasional for a short time our Dad would disappear and be replaced by some one, else someone I didn't like. Some times he would just hide out in his room for days on end not even coming out to eat and I'd be worried sick, but then there were those other times when I wished for nothing more for tomorrow to be one of those days. On those later days the man that emerged from his room was not my father he was a man that screamed at his kids who could do no right, and threw things at walls some times even at us. Those days were sparse though and the days in between were good and my father was the same loving man I had always known taking us on fantastic adventures.
Gradually the bad days occurred more often till there were more bad than good. In the end there were no good days left only bad. I remember one day when I was 10, close to the start of Dads change, when we were on a supply mission that went wrong one of the crates had been damaged in transit and the delicate computer chip inside had been destroyed, our employer was mad and refused to pay us the full fare giving us instead only half of what we were owed.
Dad was mad he disappeared into his room and when he came back instead of claming down he had gotten even madder, He started yelling at me saying it was all my fault, I was confused at first it had just been an accident had 'dent it? But on and on Dad kept yelling and everything I said to calm him down only mad him madder he picked up a glass ordainment and threw it at the wall in anger it shattered sending shards of glass flying everywhere, That made Dad even madder it said mum had brought that specially for me before she went away; I said it didn't matter we could buy another one just the same but, I guess I said the wrong thing because he threw the chrome paper weight right at me. I fell to the floor clutching my chest in agony then it all went dark and the next thing I remember was Rafe standing over me in med bay, three of my ribs had been broken and Rafe hade to fix me up him self as Dad was no were to be seen.
That time Dad was gone for three days I was worried sick I thought he had left us because I had been so bad. Rafe couldn't understand why I was so worried he said we were better off with out him that he had hurt me, but I knew Dad didn't mean it, I had just made him very mad. I loved my dad and he had never hurt me before, we had fun together he took us on treasure hunts and beach trips one time he even hid chocolate eggs on the ship for me and Rafe to find.
When Dad did come back he was very nice to me, treating me like a princess and buying me sweets. He told me how sorry he was, and that he couldn't face coming back till now because of what he did to me. He promised me that it would never happen again; that was the first broken promise I remember.
For a time after that things went back to normal and I thought that bad man had gone away. Dad took Rafe and me to Infinity atoll; we went to the beach and Dad taught me and Rafe to surf. Rafe kept falling off his board but I never fell off not once. Dad bought us ice creams that day but the sun melted them too fast and they dripped everywhere and we all laughed. I was so happy that day.
A few months' later things got bad again; we didn't have any money and Dad was upset a lot because we couldn't buy stuff. One day he came out his room and his eyes had gone that funny white I saw before and I was scared again; at first it was ok dad just seemed like he was daydreaming but later a collent pipe blew and Dad got mad again he went to fix the pipe but yelled how much a new one would cost and how we wouldn't be able to eat because of it, I wouldn't have minded going hungry if it would mean we could fix the ship and dad would be happy again so I said it was ok I wasn't hungry anyway; But like before I said the wrong thing because he became even madder and smashed the pipe up far worse than it was. Dad continued to yell, Rafe told me to go to my room so I did he followed behind me.
Day's like that became more often and I learned to be quite at these times talking to dad just mad him madder as I had those times before. Rafe and me did our best to look after the ship; I got to fly the ship lots which I loved, Dad had taught me when I was little he said I was a natural like my mum. Dad had told me before that when I was very little I used to watch mum fly all day; he said I would drive her mad asking what everything was and how it worked, she said she would give me lesions when I was a bit bigger, but then she went away and Dad had to teach me.
As Dad got worse me and Rafe would have to take over more and more of the running of the ship, On my thirteenth birthday I sat in my room figuring out which bills we had to pay and which we could get away with leaving a little longer so we could afford to eat. Dad still occasionally did some cargo runs but we never saw any money from them he spent it on flash before the credit even cleared. Rafe organised most of our cargo runs now and we had to be careful to keep the money away from dad but he found it sometimes and we were left with nothing.
Some times dad wound ransack the ship looking for cash to buy his next hit, the first time it happened I thought we had been robed while I slept parts lay everywhere no corner was left unturned, I ran to get dad to tell him (I still saw him as my saviour even then) but I found him unconscious on the floor lying in his own vomit; at first I thought the robbers had did this to him, but then I saw the little bottle still clutched in his hand and the colour of his eyes. I had never seen dad like this before suddenly the ship didn't seem so important I just wanted dad to get better. I dragged him to sick bay myself (Rafe refused to help he said I should just leave him) gave him some shots and waited for him to wake up, when he did I was so glad I hugged him; for a second he hugged me back too then he saw the mess the place was in and went ballistic he thought me and Rafe had done it he accused us of having a party, I didn't even have any friends to hold a party for looking after dad and the ship took up all my time the only people I ever meet were clients.
From time to time the client would be younger or bring their teenage children with them but even then the Beka they saw was just an act, me playing grown up, It helped that I looked older than my years and with the right make up and clothes I managed to pull off the act of the young captain. Some times though when the clients brought their children I missed not being with kids my own age, but I had to keep up the act if the client suspected my age we would loose the deal and go hungry that night.
One time thought when I was 15 we did business with a young cargo haler who couldn't have been much over twenty, he was good looking and caught myself staring at him, but to my surprise he was staring at me too he invited me to a ball. Rafe didn't want me to go, he said I couldn't pull off the act; I reminded him that no one had suspected my real age so far and we had been doing this for years now.
The ball was fun and I enjoyed spending time with some one a little closer to my own age I didn't want it to end so when he suggest we go back to the Maru I agreed, (I knew Rafe was out) I grew up a little more that night, the deal was closed the following day and I never saw the young hauler again. I still think of him from time to time.
Most of deals Rafe and me did were honest work but like I said you have to pay the bills some how and some times that meant stealing. At first I had refused to do anything less than honest but that was in the good times; I soon leant that beggars can't be choosers. After a week of rationing food to the extent were Rafe ate one night I the next a Nightsider came along with a deal, some cargo he wanted us to run, he tried to make it sound honest but, I knew it was weapons we would be smuggling. At first I said no mush to Rafe's anger, but then he offered us more money; we could do a lot with that kind of money not just eat but fix up the ship as well; I could even by a new CD to add to the collection dad brought me.
As much as I hate to admit it I found the danger of the mission intoxicating; the mission didn't exactly go to plan and we were attacked but we were never in that much danger, we celebrated in big style afterwards. Dad even came out of his room once to ask what was going on, he'd barely done that in the last year he wasn't even a shadow of his former self anymore, he was so bad he didn't notice what was going on around him, he was in a permanent dream state. I tried to talk to him sometimes but he hardly ever acknowledged my existence.
There was one time though that he did notice me it was his birthday and I went in to see him, Rafe had long since stopped bothering, but I just couldn't give up on the man my father was. I brought him a present it was a framed picture of the three of us on that beach so long ago; I had to unwrap the present for him like a child but when I handed him the picture he uttered the first words I'd heard him say in a long time he stared at the object in his hands then at me and said "My princess" I was overwhelmed with emotion and hugged him I felt tears sliding down my face, there was recognition in his eyes, and ..love. Then the blank mask descended over his face again and he slipped back to the zombie he'd become.
I tried for weeks afterwards to try and pry my father out from that zombie shell of a man he'd become; I took in every memento from my childhood I could find and talked endlessly about the past but nothing seemed to set off a spark again, he remained blank. I even managed to drag Rafe in one time but still he remained blank. Rafe continued to protest that we should stop giving him food and just let him die, Rafe had long since said he was just a useless drain on our money. I disagreed since dad hardly ever ate the meals I left for him.
Ultimately I realised that there was nothing left of the man my father once was; I continued to leave him meals which were more often than not untouched but I never tried to talk with him again it was too painful. Rafe once asked me were he was finding flash since he never left his room let alone the ship, and he couldn't have that much hidden in his room, I used this to support my reasoning that dad was sick not an addict, but deep down I knew that dad had done so much flash he didn't need it anymore his brain had long since been fried.
Eventually dad started getting sick at first I cared for him on the Maru but he was getting sicker and sicker I took him to a doctor much to Rafe's disgust who took all our money just to tell us my dad couldn't be helped. He was terminal, in the end stages of substance abuse; the doctor doubted he would last much longer.
It turns out the doctor was right he died a month later not long after my 18th birthday. There was no one to attend his funeral not even uncle Sid I sent him the message but he ignored it I guess, Rafe refused to come out his room, in the end it was just me and dad. I pressed the eject cargo pod button and then he to was gone.
Not long after Rafe left me to still feuding over the fact that dad had left the Maru to me not him. I was surprised dad had made a will at all but it seemed he had at some point when he was still competent. A video message was included in which dad apologised for what he had done to us, and said how sorry he was that he wasn't there for us, There was an added message for each of us, I don't know what Rafe's said he never would tell, but mine said he said he would always love his little princess and he had left me the Maru because I could fly her like no other except her mother. He said "I bet you didn't know I crept out of my room sometimes just to watch you fly". To my surprise the message was dated much later than I thought, clearly dad had had some lucid moments that neither Rafe nor me knew of; long after we had thought him lost something of my father had remained and watched over us.
Claire
Disclaimer: The usual Andromeda belongs to tribune
It used to be fun just the three of us Dad, Rafe and me, but good things never last I should have known that I suppose. It took me a long while to figure out was going on partly I guess because I was in denial and partly because the change was so gradual from loving father to flash addict. I used to tell my self that Dad was just ill, or it really was my fault, or he was just drunk. Of course I knew the some of the big hauls were flash, but life was hard as a cargo hauler you had to make your money were you could, but dad would never sample the merchandise, he was not an addict. Eventually I realised I was just making excuses for him to my self I see that now I didn't want to face the truth. My dad the centre of my universe had become an addict.
At first it was only occasional for a short time our Dad would disappear and be replaced by some one, else someone I didn't like. Some times he would just hide out in his room for days on end not even coming out to eat and I'd be worried sick, but then there were those other times when I wished for nothing more for tomorrow to be one of those days. On those later days the man that emerged from his room was not my father he was a man that screamed at his kids who could do no right, and threw things at walls some times even at us. Those days were sparse though and the days in between were good and my father was the same loving man I had always known taking us on fantastic adventures.
Gradually the bad days occurred more often till there were more bad than good. In the end there were no good days left only bad. I remember one day when I was 10, close to the start of Dads change, when we were on a supply mission that went wrong one of the crates had been damaged in transit and the delicate computer chip inside had been destroyed, our employer was mad and refused to pay us the full fare giving us instead only half of what we were owed.
Dad was mad he disappeared into his room and when he came back instead of claming down he had gotten even madder, He started yelling at me saying it was all my fault, I was confused at first it had just been an accident had 'dent it? But on and on Dad kept yelling and everything I said to calm him down only mad him madder he picked up a glass ordainment and threw it at the wall in anger it shattered sending shards of glass flying everywhere, That made Dad even madder it said mum had brought that specially for me before she went away; I said it didn't matter we could buy another one just the same but, I guess I said the wrong thing because he threw the chrome paper weight right at me. I fell to the floor clutching my chest in agony then it all went dark and the next thing I remember was Rafe standing over me in med bay, three of my ribs had been broken and Rafe hade to fix me up him self as Dad was no were to be seen.
That time Dad was gone for three days I was worried sick I thought he had left us because I had been so bad. Rafe couldn't understand why I was so worried he said we were better off with out him that he had hurt me, but I knew Dad didn't mean it, I had just made him very mad. I loved my dad and he had never hurt me before, we had fun together he took us on treasure hunts and beach trips one time he even hid chocolate eggs on the ship for me and Rafe to find.
When Dad did come back he was very nice to me, treating me like a princess and buying me sweets. He told me how sorry he was, and that he couldn't face coming back till now because of what he did to me. He promised me that it would never happen again; that was the first broken promise I remember.
For a time after that things went back to normal and I thought that bad man had gone away. Dad took Rafe and me to Infinity atoll; we went to the beach and Dad taught me and Rafe to surf. Rafe kept falling off his board but I never fell off not once. Dad bought us ice creams that day but the sun melted them too fast and they dripped everywhere and we all laughed. I was so happy that day.
A few months' later things got bad again; we didn't have any money and Dad was upset a lot because we couldn't buy stuff. One day he came out his room and his eyes had gone that funny white I saw before and I was scared again; at first it was ok dad just seemed like he was daydreaming but later a collent pipe blew and Dad got mad again he went to fix the pipe but yelled how much a new one would cost and how we wouldn't be able to eat because of it, I wouldn't have minded going hungry if it would mean we could fix the ship and dad would be happy again so I said it was ok I wasn't hungry anyway; But like before I said the wrong thing because he became even madder and smashed the pipe up far worse than it was. Dad continued to yell, Rafe told me to go to my room so I did he followed behind me.
Day's like that became more often and I learned to be quite at these times talking to dad just mad him madder as I had those times before. Rafe and me did our best to look after the ship; I got to fly the ship lots which I loved, Dad had taught me when I was little he said I was a natural like my mum. Dad had told me before that when I was very little I used to watch mum fly all day; he said I would drive her mad asking what everything was and how it worked, she said she would give me lesions when I was a bit bigger, but then she went away and Dad had to teach me.
As Dad got worse me and Rafe would have to take over more and more of the running of the ship, On my thirteenth birthday I sat in my room figuring out which bills we had to pay and which we could get away with leaving a little longer so we could afford to eat. Dad still occasionally did some cargo runs but we never saw any money from them he spent it on flash before the credit even cleared. Rafe organised most of our cargo runs now and we had to be careful to keep the money away from dad but he found it sometimes and we were left with nothing.
Some times dad wound ransack the ship looking for cash to buy his next hit, the first time it happened I thought we had been robed while I slept parts lay everywhere no corner was left unturned, I ran to get dad to tell him (I still saw him as my saviour even then) but I found him unconscious on the floor lying in his own vomit; at first I thought the robbers had did this to him, but then I saw the little bottle still clutched in his hand and the colour of his eyes. I had never seen dad like this before suddenly the ship didn't seem so important I just wanted dad to get better. I dragged him to sick bay myself (Rafe refused to help he said I should just leave him) gave him some shots and waited for him to wake up, when he did I was so glad I hugged him; for a second he hugged me back too then he saw the mess the place was in and went ballistic he thought me and Rafe had done it he accused us of having a party, I didn't even have any friends to hold a party for looking after dad and the ship took up all my time the only people I ever meet were clients.
From time to time the client would be younger or bring their teenage children with them but even then the Beka they saw was just an act, me playing grown up, It helped that I looked older than my years and with the right make up and clothes I managed to pull off the act of the young captain. Some times though when the clients brought their children I missed not being with kids my own age, but I had to keep up the act if the client suspected my age we would loose the deal and go hungry that night.
One time thought when I was 15 we did business with a young cargo haler who couldn't have been much over twenty, he was good looking and caught myself staring at him, but to my surprise he was staring at me too he invited me to a ball. Rafe didn't want me to go, he said I couldn't pull off the act; I reminded him that no one had suspected my real age so far and we had been doing this for years now.
The ball was fun and I enjoyed spending time with some one a little closer to my own age I didn't want it to end so when he suggest we go back to the Maru I agreed, (I knew Rafe was out) I grew up a little more that night, the deal was closed the following day and I never saw the young hauler again. I still think of him from time to time.
Most of deals Rafe and me did were honest work but like I said you have to pay the bills some how and some times that meant stealing. At first I had refused to do anything less than honest but that was in the good times; I soon leant that beggars can't be choosers. After a week of rationing food to the extent were Rafe ate one night I the next a Nightsider came along with a deal, some cargo he wanted us to run, he tried to make it sound honest but, I knew it was weapons we would be smuggling. At first I said no mush to Rafe's anger, but then he offered us more money; we could do a lot with that kind of money not just eat but fix up the ship as well; I could even by a new CD to add to the collection dad brought me.
As much as I hate to admit it I found the danger of the mission intoxicating; the mission didn't exactly go to plan and we were attacked but we were never in that much danger, we celebrated in big style afterwards. Dad even came out of his room once to ask what was going on, he'd barely done that in the last year he wasn't even a shadow of his former self anymore, he was so bad he didn't notice what was going on around him, he was in a permanent dream state. I tried to talk to him sometimes but he hardly ever acknowledged my existence.
There was one time though that he did notice me it was his birthday and I went in to see him, Rafe had long since stopped bothering, but I just couldn't give up on the man my father was. I brought him a present it was a framed picture of the three of us on that beach so long ago; I had to unwrap the present for him like a child but when I handed him the picture he uttered the first words I'd heard him say in a long time he stared at the object in his hands then at me and said "My princess" I was overwhelmed with emotion and hugged him I felt tears sliding down my face, there was recognition in his eyes, and ..love. Then the blank mask descended over his face again and he slipped back to the zombie he'd become.
I tried for weeks afterwards to try and pry my father out from that zombie shell of a man he'd become; I took in every memento from my childhood I could find and talked endlessly about the past but nothing seemed to set off a spark again, he remained blank. I even managed to drag Rafe in one time but still he remained blank. Rafe continued to protest that we should stop giving him food and just let him die, Rafe had long since said he was just a useless drain on our money. I disagreed since dad hardly ever ate the meals I left for him.
Ultimately I realised that there was nothing left of the man my father once was; I continued to leave him meals which were more often than not untouched but I never tried to talk with him again it was too painful. Rafe once asked me were he was finding flash since he never left his room let alone the ship, and he couldn't have that much hidden in his room, I used this to support my reasoning that dad was sick not an addict, but deep down I knew that dad had done so much flash he didn't need it anymore his brain had long since been fried.
Eventually dad started getting sick at first I cared for him on the Maru but he was getting sicker and sicker I took him to a doctor much to Rafe's disgust who took all our money just to tell us my dad couldn't be helped. He was terminal, in the end stages of substance abuse; the doctor doubted he would last much longer.
It turns out the doctor was right he died a month later not long after my 18th birthday. There was no one to attend his funeral not even uncle Sid I sent him the message but he ignored it I guess, Rafe refused to come out his room, in the end it was just me and dad. I pressed the eject cargo pod button and then he to was gone.
Not long after Rafe left me to still feuding over the fact that dad had left the Maru to me not him. I was surprised dad had made a will at all but it seemed he had at some point when he was still competent. A video message was included in which dad apologised for what he had done to us, and said how sorry he was that he wasn't there for us, There was an added message for each of us, I don't know what Rafe's said he never would tell, but mine said he said he would always love his little princess and he had left me the Maru because I could fly her like no other except her mother. He said "I bet you didn't know I crept out of my room sometimes just to watch you fly". To my surprise the message was dated much later than I thought, clearly dad had had some lucid moments that neither Rafe nor me knew of; long after we had thought him lost something of my father had remained and watched over us.
Claire