Part Nine
"It doesn't matter that you tried It doesn't matter that they lied It doesn't matter that you're sick inside And your dreams have died And you wanna start anew" ~ The Badlees
She's out without me. At my ex-girlfriend's wedding. With my best friend.
I can't remember ever being so depressed. When Liz gave me the boot, I was devastated, my whole world ceased to exist. But I wasn't depressed. On top of it, I have the jealousy to deal with. Is there any less useful emotion than jealousy?
I'm playing the role of the good friend - I volunteered to watch the store this afternoon so she could get ready for the wedding. I tried not to look out the window when I heard her door close as she was leaving, but I had to. She was simply beautiful in that pretty champagne-colored dress, her hair piled on her head with loose curls hanging around her face. I wish I hadn't looked - it only made me ache all the more.
I pull the cash drawer from the register and secure it in the small safe in the store room. I really don't want the work day to be over. What am I going to do tonight? Sit around and think about what everyone else is doing at Liz's wedding? I'm miserable. I think about going to a movie, but I hate doing that alone. I hate doing anything you'd do on a date all by myself. So, I see many hours of sulking ahead of me.
I grab the keys and head for the doors. As I'm about to turn the dead bolt, I spy Isabel on the other side, smiling at me. I push open the door and let her in, then lock it behind her.
"Hi," she says, leaning in to kiss my cheek. Her perfume drifts to my nose.
"Hi," I repeat, eyeing her curiously. "What are you doing here?"
She shrugs. "Not much. Just came to take my little brother to dinner."
I frown. I don't want Isabel's company. Well, that's not really true. I don't want anyone's company.
"Oh, come on," she laughs, rubbing my arm. "What else were you going to do tonight? Sulk?"
Well, yes, actually. "Okay," I sigh. "But I'm driving."
"Of course you are."
She picks a nice little restaurant, one that isn't haunted by droves of romantic couples. I appreciate that. As she picks at her salad, she elicits stares from nearly every man in the establishment. Something we've never talked about - obviously she can have just about any man she wants, but does she? Isabel never talks about her romantic life.
I concentrate on my dinner, savoring the flavor of the steak I've ordered. I usually skip red meat, but tonight I feel like abusing myself. As I eat, I try not to think about what is going on on the other side of town, but my thoughts drift there anyway. In my mind, I see Liz in a white dress, happy, laughing, kissing her new husband. It doesn't hurt to think of these things, it just depresses me. Once I thought I'd be that new husband, sharing this moment with her. How did we get to be where we are now?
Then I think of Maria holding onto Michael while she dances with him, her face aglow as she looks up into his eyes. I image him holding her close and the two of them laughing together, dressed up for the occasion. And that hurts worse than I ever imagined it would. I want to be the one dressed up, holding her during a special occasion. My mind quickly flashes to the two of them kissing and I feel like someone just kicked me in the chest.
"You're not the only one, you know."
I look up at the sound of Isabel's soft voice. She's leaning her elbows on the table, her water glass held in both hands toward her face. I glance at my plate and realize that I had quit eating. Then I meet her gaze again. "I'm not the only one?" I question.
She nods and places her glass on the table. "I know you're miserable. You're thinking about Liz getting married tonight."
How do I tell her that it's not Liz who's upsetting me?
I don't have to tell her - she figures it out for herself. My sister is a smart woman. "And you're thinking about Maria being out with someone else."
I feel my eyebrows rise involuntarily.
"Maybe you're not the only one who's not happy about that situation."
The eyebrows are so high now that they practically touch my hairline. Is she trying to tell me she's jealous that Michael is out with Maria? Is she finally admitting there's something going on with the two of them? It seems the only likely explanation, unless Isabel has decided to bat for the other team and is upset Maria is on a date. I almost laugh at the thought.until it nauseates me.
I clear my throat. "Iz, are you and Mich-"
"Yes." She picks up her fork and continues stabbing at her salad.
I watch her silently for a long time. There's no explanation, just a 'yes'. And from the way she's assaulting that poor plate of lettuce, she doesn't want to talk about it.
But eventually she sighs and puts the fork down. When she looks at me, her eyes are fraught with guilt. Why? Why should she feel guilty for loving someone?
"I don't know what it is," she says, her eyes darting away briefly. "I don't know if it's love or even if it will last beyond tonight. But it's something, Max, something I can't ignore."
I understand what she means because I'm in the same situation. I know something is going on between me and Maria, but I don't know what. And I also can't ignore it.
"Do you know how Michael feels about Maria?" I ask quietly. I feel some guilt at asking these questions behind his back, but I know he'll never be forthright with me.
Isabel shrugs her slim shoulders, doesn't notice the waiter that passes our table and nearly trips over himself as he gawks at her. "He says he still cares about her." Dammit. "But I don't think he means in a romantic sense." She gives a crooked smile. "At least, I hope not."
I look down into my lap, play with my napkin. "Do you know." I can't ask this question.
She laughs lightly. "Full sentences, Max."
I laugh with her, squirm as I try to find the right words. "Has Maria ever mentioned she might still feel something for him?"
Isabel shakes her head. "I don't know the answer to that," she answers sympathetically. "I rarely see Maria." Then her lips stretch into a smile once again. "But when I do see her, she usually can't take her eyes off you."
I can't help the little grin that comes to my face.
"I'm not blind, Max. She's had it bad for you since you've been back."
"Yeah?"
"Well, okay, I think maybe she had it bad for you before then." In a gesture that deflates the hopes of every man in the restaurant, she reaches across the table and takes my hand. If only those would-be Romeos knew she was my sister. "Did you ever stop to think how hard this night has to be for her?"
No, I hadn't thought of that, actually.
"She's seeing Liz get married to someone she doesn't really like." Hmm - I didn't know that piece of information. "She's out with an ex-boyfriend - that has to be awkward. And she knows that the whole thing is hurting you."
I think about Maria's actions of late and realize that all of this had to have been a struggle for her. I hadn't even considered it as all I was worrying about were my own hurt feelings. She never once let on that she was unhappy or uncomfortable in the situation she was in. I'm amazed that she's such a strong person and that I never realized it.
"Thank you, Isabel," I manage.
She withdraws her hand. "For what?"
"For doing this with me tonight, for taking my mind off things. For opening my eyes."
The glamour-girl smile returns. "Any time, little brother." She pulls back the cuff of her shirt and looks at her watch. "Now hurry up with that steak - we don't want to be late for the show."
"Show?" Oh, Christ. She's taking me to a movie and I just know she's picked out some sappy romantic comedy because that is the only kind of movie she likes.
She nods eagerly. "I got tickets for the comedy club. I figured we could both use a good laugh."
I watch her in amazement. Just when I thought I had all women figured out, they learn to throw curve balls.
After the comedy club, we return home and the apartment is empty. The wedding is running late - or Michael and Maria have decided to go out afterward. I push that thought away. It's all about trust and I haven't been trusting her. Instead, I make myself happy that they're having a good time.
Isabel takes a shower and goes to bed, leaving me alone in her quiet living room. I really need to think about getting a place of my own. This couch is becoming uncomfortable and even though she hasn't said as much, I know she'd probably like some privacy.
In the darkness, I think about what Isabel told me at dinner. Was it possible that Maria was attracted to me even before Michael and I came back from the crusades? If so, how long ago? Did it happen when she was still with Michael and I was with Liz? Had it been there as long as she's known me?
I try to pinpoint when I first realized I was attracted to her and I can't. I know when we were coming home, Maria was the first person I wanted to see, not Liz. Granted, Liz was going to be a different kind of reunion, more like a confrontation, but I still would think that hers would be the first face I'd want to see. But it wasn't.
I recall dreams, horrible dreams while we were fighting, dreams that still sometimes haunt me today. But every now and then, there'd be a break in the nightmares and Maria was always a part of those sweet dreams. It was never anything sexual or even slightly romantic. It was always something silly - having lunch with her, talking about music, baking a cake. But in those moments, those nights of reprieve, there was always the image of Maria, not Liz.
Maybe this thing has been brewing longer than either of us ever realized. I always thought Liz was the one I was meant to be with. But maybe not. Maybe Liz was only a means by which to get to the person I was really destined to be with.
"Maxwell, we have to get out of here!" Michael's voice is strained, his breath coming in short gasps.
Behind us, there's another loud explosion and I throw my hands over my ears to protect them from the concussion, then I duck my head as bits of rocks and mortar rain down on us.
"They're gonna kill us!" Michael yells over the roar. "We have to fall back! Now!"
I nod in his direction. I don't want to fall back. I don't want to let them go. I have so much hatred for them that I want to stay here and put an end to them once and for all. But there is a reason Michael is my second in command - he grounds me when my emotions run away with my common sense.
"Let's go," I shout between gun blasts and gesture toward the back of the warehouse, where he left the Explorer. As I rise, there is a whistling sound past my ear and I know it's too late. Within a millisecond there is a blast very near to our position. I hear a scream of pain and don't really realize that it is coming from me. In fact, I don't realize it until I am falling to the ground, my leg seemingly blown out from beneath me.
Then I hear footsteps, thousands of them, descending on us. Michael's eyes are desperate as he pulls on my arm. I try to help him, but I can't. I wait for the moment when my arm pops off, but it never comes. I look down at his hand and it startles me that he has grown long, perfectly polished fingernails. Horrified, I look up not into his face, but a much sweeter one.
The noise around us stops and the skies clear, the sun suddenly shining brightly above us. Maria touches my face, her voice comforting. "It's not real, Max. It's only a dream. Wake up."
Instead of waking with a start, I wake slowly, calmly. My eyes instinctively travel to the clock - it's already two in the morning. Then I notice that I am not alone.
Beside the couch, Maria is on her knees, kneeling by my side. She's still wearing her dress from the wedding, but her long hair is now tumbling around her shoulders. Her presence both frightens and worries me. I draw in a quick breath and start to sit up.
"Shh," she says quietly, laying a finger against her lips. "I don't want to wake anyone."
"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to clear the post-slumber confusion from my mind. "Is everything okay?"
She nods. "Yeah, fine. I just wanted to see you."
At this hour? I'm still not convinced there is nothing wrong. But then she reaches out and pulls my blanket back. I have an irrational reaction to cover myself, even though I'm wearing a T-shirt and boxers. She rises and slips onto the couch beside me, drawing the blanket back over both of us.
"Maria," I whisper, fighting the urge to recoil. This is so not something I wanted to take place on Isabel's couch.
But she shakes her head as she curves her arm around my body. "Not that. I just want to sleep here. Is that okay?"
I look down into her eyes and I can see only sincerity there. So I nod and put my arm around her waist. Her leg slides in between mine and she squirms against me, making herself comfortable.
I don't know how long I just lie there and stare into the darkness. I don't know how long she stays awake with me, but eventually her breathing levels out and I know she's asleep, curled up against me in a dress she is going to ruin by sleeping in it. I'm not sure what caused this suddenly flash of vulnerability on her part, but I will be here for her. The steady rhythm of her breathing hypnotizes me and I lay my cheek against the top of her head and pull her into my chest, protecting her against me. For all of the dreams she's given me to help me through a rough night, I will be here to help her through this one.
"It doesn't matter that you tried It doesn't matter that they lied It doesn't matter that you're sick inside And your dreams have died And you wanna start anew" ~ The Badlees
She's out without me. At my ex-girlfriend's wedding. With my best friend.
I can't remember ever being so depressed. When Liz gave me the boot, I was devastated, my whole world ceased to exist. But I wasn't depressed. On top of it, I have the jealousy to deal with. Is there any less useful emotion than jealousy?
I'm playing the role of the good friend - I volunteered to watch the store this afternoon so she could get ready for the wedding. I tried not to look out the window when I heard her door close as she was leaving, but I had to. She was simply beautiful in that pretty champagne-colored dress, her hair piled on her head with loose curls hanging around her face. I wish I hadn't looked - it only made me ache all the more.
I pull the cash drawer from the register and secure it in the small safe in the store room. I really don't want the work day to be over. What am I going to do tonight? Sit around and think about what everyone else is doing at Liz's wedding? I'm miserable. I think about going to a movie, but I hate doing that alone. I hate doing anything you'd do on a date all by myself. So, I see many hours of sulking ahead of me.
I grab the keys and head for the doors. As I'm about to turn the dead bolt, I spy Isabel on the other side, smiling at me. I push open the door and let her in, then lock it behind her.
"Hi," she says, leaning in to kiss my cheek. Her perfume drifts to my nose.
"Hi," I repeat, eyeing her curiously. "What are you doing here?"
She shrugs. "Not much. Just came to take my little brother to dinner."
I frown. I don't want Isabel's company. Well, that's not really true. I don't want anyone's company.
"Oh, come on," she laughs, rubbing my arm. "What else were you going to do tonight? Sulk?"
Well, yes, actually. "Okay," I sigh. "But I'm driving."
"Of course you are."
She picks a nice little restaurant, one that isn't haunted by droves of romantic couples. I appreciate that. As she picks at her salad, she elicits stares from nearly every man in the establishment. Something we've never talked about - obviously she can have just about any man she wants, but does she? Isabel never talks about her romantic life.
I concentrate on my dinner, savoring the flavor of the steak I've ordered. I usually skip red meat, but tonight I feel like abusing myself. As I eat, I try not to think about what is going on on the other side of town, but my thoughts drift there anyway. In my mind, I see Liz in a white dress, happy, laughing, kissing her new husband. It doesn't hurt to think of these things, it just depresses me. Once I thought I'd be that new husband, sharing this moment with her. How did we get to be where we are now?
Then I think of Maria holding onto Michael while she dances with him, her face aglow as she looks up into his eyes. I image him holding her close and the two of them laughing together, dressed up for the occasion. And that hurts worse than I ever imagined it would. I want to be the one dressed up, holding her during a special occasion. My mind quickly flashes to the two of them kissing and I feel like someone just kicked me in the chest.
"You're not the only one, you know."
I look up at the sound of Isabel's soft voice. She's leaning her elbows on the table, her water glass held in both hands toward her face. I glance at my plate and realize that I had quit eating. Then I meet her gaze again. "I'm not the only one?" I question.
She nods and places her glass on the table. "I know you're miserable. You're thinking about Liz getting married tonight."
How do I tell her that it's not Liz who's upsetting me?
I don't have to tell her - she figures it out for herself. My sister is a smart woman. "And you're thinking about Maria being out with someone else."
I feel my eyebrows rise involuntarily.
"Maybe you're not the only one who's not happy about that situation."
The eyebrows are so high now that they practically touch my hairline. Is she trying to tell me she's jealous that Michael is out with Maria? Is she finally admitting there's something going on with the two of them? It seems the only likely explanation, unless Isabel has decided to bat for the other team and is upset Maria is on a date. I almost laugh at the thought.until it nauseates me.
I clear my throat. "Iz, are you and Mich-"
"Yes." She picks up her fork and continues stabbing at her salad.
I watch her silently for a long time. There's no explanation, just a 'yes'. And from the way she's assaulting that poor plate of lettuce, she doesn't want to talk about it.
But eventually she sighs and puts the fork down. When she looks at me, her eyes are fraught with guilt. Why? Why should she feel guilty for loving someone?
"I don't know what it is," she says, her eyes darting away briefly. "I don't know if it's love or even if it will last beyond tonight. But it's something, Max, something I can't ignore."
I understand what she means because I'm in the same situation. I know something is going on between me and Maria, but I don't know what. And I also can't ignore it.
"Do you know how Michael feels about Maria?" I ask quietly. I feel some guilt at asking these questions behind his back, but I know he'll never be forthright with me.
Isabel shrugs her slim shoulders, doesn't notice the waiter that passes our table and nearly trips over himself as he gawks at her. "He says he still cares about her." Dammit. "But I don't think he means in a romantic sense." She gives a crooked smile. "At least, I hope not."
I look down into my lap, play with my napkin. "Do you know." I can't ask this question.
She laughs lightly. "Full sentences, Max."
I laugh with her, squirm as I try to find the right words. "Has Maria ever mentioned she might still feel something for him?"
Isabel shakes her head. "I don't know the answer to that," she answers sympathetically. "I rarely see Maria." Then her lips stretch into a smile once again. "But when I do see her, she usually can't take her eyes off you."
I can't help the little grin that comes to my face.
"I'm not blind, Max. She's had it bad for you since you've been back."
"Yeah?"
"Well, okay, I think maybe she had it bad for you before then." In a gesture that deflates the hopes of every man in the restaurant, she reaches across the table and takes my hand. If only those would-be Romeos knew she was my sister. "Did you ever stop to think how hard this night has to be for her?"
No, I hadn't thought of that, actually.
"She's seeing Liz get married to someone she doesn't really like." Hmm - I didn't know that piece of information. "She's out with an ex-boyfriend - that has to be awkward. And she knows that the whole thing is hurting you."
I think about Maria's actions of late and realize that all of this had to have been a struggle for her. I hadn't even considered it as all I was worrying about were my own hurt feelings. She never once let on that she was unhappy or uncomfortable in the situation she was in. I'm amazed that she's such a strong person and that I never realized it.
"Thank you, Isabel," I manage.
She withdraws her hand. "For what?"
"For doing this with me tonight, for taking my mind off things. For opening my eyes."
The glamour-girl smile returns. "Any time, little brother." She pulls back the cuff of her shirt and looks at her watch. "Now hurry up with that steak - we don't want to be late for the show."
"Show?" Oh, Christ. She's taking me to a movie and I just know she's picked out some sappy romantic comedy because that is the only kind of movie she likes.
She nods eagerly. "I got tickets for the comedy club. I figured we could both use a good laugh."
I watch her in amazement. Just when I thought I had all women figured out, they learn to throw curve balls.
After the comedy club, we return home and the apartment is empty. The wedding is running late - or Michael and Maria have decided to go out afterward. I push that thought away. It's all about trust and I haven't been trusting her. Instead, I make myself happy that they're having a good time.
Isabel takes a shower and goes to bed, leaving me alone in her quiet living room. I really need to think about getting a place of my own. This couch is becoming uncomfortable and even though she hasn't said as much, I know she'd probably like some privacy.
In the darkness, I think about what Isabel told me at dinner. Was it possible that Maria was attracted to me even before Michael and I came back from the crusades? If so, how long ago? Did it happen when she was still with Michael and I was with Liz? Had it been there as long as she's known me?
I try to pinpoint when I first realized I was attracted to her and I can't. I know when we were coming home, Maria was the first person I wanted to see, not Liz. Granted, Liz was going to be a different kind of reunion, more like a confrontation, but I still would think that hers would be the first face I'd want to see. But it wasn't.
I recall dreams, horrible dreams while we were fighting, dreams that still sometimes haunt me today. But every now and then, there'd be a break in the nightmares and Maria was always a part of those sweet dreams. It was never anything sexual or even slightly romantic. It was always something silly - having lunch with her, talking about music, baking a cake. But in those moments, those nights of reprieve, there was always the image of Maria, not Liz.
Maybe this thing has been brewing longer than either of us ever realized. I always thought Liz was the one I was meant to be with. But maybe not. Maybe Liz was only a means by which to get to the person I was really destined to be with.
"Maxwell, we have to get out of here!" Michael's voice is strained, his breath coming in short gasps.
Behind us, there's another loud explosion and I throw my hands over my ears to protect them from the concussion, then I duck my head as bits of rocks and mortar rain down on us.
"They're gonna kill us!" Michael yells over the roar. "We have to fall back! Now!"
I nod in his direction. I don't want to fall back. I don't want to let them go. I have so much hatred for them that I want to stay here and put an end to them once and for all. But there is a reason Michael is my second in command - he grounds me when my emotions run away with my common sense.
"Let's go," I shout between gun blasts and gesture toward the back of the warehouse, where he left the Explorer. As I rise, there is a whistling sound past my ear and I know it's too late. Within a millisecond there is a blast very near to our position. I hear a scream of pain and don't really realize that it is coming from me. In fact, I don't realize it until I am falling to the ground, my leg seemingly blown out from beneath me.
Then I hear footsteps, thousands of them, descending on us. Michael's eyes are desperate as he pulls on my arm. I try to help him, but I can't. I wait for the moment when my arm pops off, but it never comes. I look down at his hand and it startles me that he has grown long, perfectly polished fingernails. Horrified, I look up not into his face, but a much sweeter one.
The noise around us stops and the skies clear, the sun suddenly shining brightly above us. Maria touches my face, her voice comforting. "It's not real, Max. It's only a dream. Wake up."
Instead of waking with a start, I wake slowly, calmly. My eyes instinctively travel to the clock - it's already two in the morning. Then I notice that I am not alone.
Beside the couch, Maria is on her knees, kneeling by my side. She's still wearing her dress from the wedding, but her long hair is now tumbling around her shoulders. Her presence both frightens and worries me. I draw in a quick breath and start to sit up.
"Shh," she says quietly, laying a finger against her lips. "I don't want to wake anyone."
"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to clear the post-slumber confusion from my mind. "Is everything okay?"
She nods. "Yeah, fine. I just wanted to see you."
At this hour? I'm still not convinced there is nothing wrong. But then she reaches out and pulls my blanket back. I have an irrational reaction to cover myself, even though I'm wearing a T-shirt and boxers. She rises and slips onto the couch beside me, drawing the blanket back over both of us.
"Maria," I whisper, fighting the urge to recoil. This is so not something I wanted to take place on Isabel's couch.
But she shakes her head as she curves her arm around my body. "Not that. I just want to sleep here. Is that okay?"
I look down into her eyes and I can see only sincerity there. So I nod and put my arm around her waist. Her leg slides in between mine and she squirms against me, making herself comfortable.
I don't know how long I just lie there and stare into the darkness. I don't know how long she stays awake with me, but eventually her breathing levels out and I know she's asleep, curled up against me in a dress she is going to ruin by sleeping in it. I'm not sure what caused this suddenly flash of vulnerability on her part, but I will be here for her. The steady rhythm of her breathing hypnotizes me and I lay my cheek against the top of her head and pull her into my chest, protecting her against me. For all of the dreams she's given me to help me through a rough night, I will be here to help her through this one.