The Missing Papers

Author: Angela
Category: Humour
Rating: G
Summary: This is what happens when valuable papers go missing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or the characters. Some very lucky people do.

@~@~@~@~@

Starring:
Richard Dean Anderson as Colonel Jack O'Neill
Amanda Tapping as Major Samantha Carter
Michael Shanks as Doctor Daniel Jackson
Christopher Judge as Teal'c
Don S Davis as General George Hammond

Guest Starring:
Teryl Rothery as Doctor Janet Fraiser
Steve Makaj as Colonel Makepeace
Short Balding Fat Guy as God
Someone as ... someone?

@~@~@~@~@

Colonel Jack O'Neill was enjoying a peaceful coffee in the commissary when Doctor Daniel Jackson barged in.

"Where the hell are they?" he demanded.

"Nice to see you too," Jack said dryly. "What have you lost now?"

"Oh, nothing. Only the SECRETS OF THE WHOLE STUPID UNIVERSE!!!" Daniel yelled. People turned around to stare.

"O-kay," Jack said slowly. "Just calm down, Daniel." He turned to the rest of the room. "Just coffee withdrawals, people. Nothing to worry about."

"Poor guy," someone muttered sympathetically.

"Yeah. I know how he feels," someone else agreed.

"Let's go outside, Daniel," Jack said soothingly, propelling Daniel towards the door.

"I have to find those papers, Jack," Daniel protested.

"Maybe they're in the infirmary," Jack suggested slyly.

"Why would they be there?" Daniel asked, looking confused.

"Let's just go have a look," Jack said, guiding him down the hall.

@~@~@~@~@

"Sorry, Colonel, but I can't find anything wrong with him aside from anxiety over those papers he's lost," Dr Fraiser said as she and Jack stood beside Daniel's bed in the infirmary. "They must be important. I think the only thing that will calm him down is finding those papers."

"That'd be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Have you seen his office?" Jack asked.

"They're not in my office, Jack. If they were I would have found them," Daniel said, sounding extremely annoyed.

"For cryin' out loud! They're just papers!" Jack yelled.

"The secrets of the universe are on those papers!" Daniel yelled back, standing up.

"Shut up about the papers!" one of Dr Fraiser's other patients snapped.

Dr Fraiser pushed Daniel back onto the bed. "That's it. I'm not letting you out of here until those papers are found."

Everyone in the room groaned. "WHAT!?" Jack yelled. "We won't be able to go on any missions without him!"

"Not my problem," the doc snapped back. "My only problem is Doctor Jackson's health."

"Who gives a damn about his health?" Jack demanded.

"Hey! You tricked me into coming here!" Daniel said angrily as he realized what had happened. "I can't believe you did that!"

"Meanie," someone muttered disapprovingly. Jack glared at them.

"I think you'd better leave before he decides to murder you, Colonel," Doctor Fraiser said. "I really don't need any more patients right now."

Suddenly Daniel hurled himself off the bed and at Jack. "You creep!" he yelled.

"Okay, I'm going!" Jack groaned as the doctor and one of her nurses restrained Daniel.

"Good," someone muttered. Jack spun to see who it was but all the patients were pretending to be asleep. Jack stalked out of the infirmary.

@~@~@~@~@

"Papers? Doctor Jackson's sanity relies on papers?" General George Hammond asked incredulously.

"I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true. Apparently these papers are something to do with the secrets of the universe and they're very important," Jack said.

"Have you been checked out by Doctor Fraiser lately?" the Texan general asked as he leaned back in his chair.

"General!" Jack groaned.

"Okay, I'll keep an eye out for them," Hammond sighed.

"Thank you, sir," Jack said.

"Now get out of my office. I've got work to do," General Hammond said.

"Yes, sir!" Jack said, saluting and walking out of the room.

@~@~@~@~@

"Papers?" Major Samantha Carter asked incredulously. Jack was filling his teammates in on what was going on with Daniel and why they were off duty.

"Papers," Jack confirmed.

"Colonel O'Neill, I have seen many papers in the base. How are we going to find Doctor Jackson's?" Teal'c asked.

"I have a plan," Jack said. "But I'm gonna need General Hammond's help."

@~@~@~@~@

"WHAT?!!"

"Sir, please calm down. It'll take ages to find those papers if we don't do this," Jack pleaded.

"No way, Colonel! Do you realize what a disruption this is going to be?" General Hammond demanded.

"Do you want your best team back on active duty or not?" Jack asked.

Hammond stared at him, considering it. "Fine," he sighed. "What do you want me to do?"

@~@~@~@~@

Two minutes later the loudspeaker blared out, "All papers must be brought to the briefing room immediately. Repeat, all papers must be brought to the briefing room immediately."

"Oh, great. How am I going to finish my report now?" Colonel Makepeace demanded.

"I've got mine on computer," his teammate smirked.

Suddenly all the computers in the base crashed (including the dialing computer). It was Makepeace's turn to smirk as his teammate swore at the blank screen.

"You wouldn't happen to have backups, would you?" Makepeace asked him.

"Shut up, sir," his teammate growled angrily.

"Touchy," the Colonel muttered as he left the room with an armful of papers.

@~@~@~@~@

Twenty minutes later the briefing room table was piled high with papers.

"I still think this is a bit extreme," Hammond said, staring at the table.

"Guess we'd better get started," Sam said. The three members of SG-1 sat around the table and began to go through the pile, page by page.

@~@~@~@~@

Four hours later they were still at it.

"Hey! I think I found it!" Sam said excitedly. Jack's head snapped up. "Oh, sorry. It's just Captain Walter's daughter's drawing."

Jack groaned. "Daniel had better be grateful for this."

Sam's eyes lit up at the mention of Daniel. "I think someone had better go and check on him. I'll go," she added before anyone could volunteer. She bolted out of the room.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Jack grumbled to Teal'c. Teal'c thought it might be best not to answer. Instead, he pulled a few sheets of paper off the top of a large pile and studied them closely.

"Colonel O'Neill, I believe I have found Doctor Jackson's papers," he said. "Do they have strange swirly symbols on them and illegible handwriting?"

"There is a God!" Jack yelled, grabbing them off him and racing out of the room.

@~@~@~@~@

"Daniel! We think we've found them!" Jack said excitedly, waving the papers in the archaeologist's face. He, Sam, Teal'c, Doctor Fraiser and General Hammond were standing around Daniel's bed. Daniel took the papers from Jack and stared at them. His eyes went wide.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" he yelled, leaping off the bed and doing the chicken dance. "I can rule the universe!"

"Sorry, bud, but that position's taken." An short, balding, fat man appeared in the middle of the infirmary.

"Who the hell are you?" General Hammond demanded.

"Who do I look like?" the old man snapped.

Jack studied him. "An short, balding, fat guy who woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" he asked.

"Okay. Maybe I should rephrase that," the old guy said. "I am GOD, you sniveling fool!"

"What?" Jack demanded.

"Are you deaf?" the guy demanded. "I AM GOD!"

"No. I was talking about the 'sniveling fool' bit," Jack said.

The man glared at him and snatched the papers from Daniel's hand.

"Hey!" Daniel protested.

"The secrets of the universe are not for mere mortals," the guy snapped, disappearing in a burst of white sparkles.

"Show off," Jack muttered.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Daniel yelled. "Foiled again!"

"What?" everyone demanded.

"Nothing," Daniel said, innocently. He smiled sweetly since Doctor Fraiser looked doubtful.

"I am going to pretend I never saw any of this," General Hammond said. "We'd all be locked up in a little white room for the rest of our lives. Now, doctor, if the fuss over these papers has ended, will you release Doctor Jackson?"

"Sure," the doctor said. "Let's just let a power crazed lunatic loose into the universe."

"Great. You're all back on active duty," Hammond said to SG-1.

"Whoo-hoo!" Jack yelled.

"What does that mean?" Teal'c asked.

"Now who's going to clean up all those papers in the briefing room?" General Hammond asked. He was surprised when the room emptied very quickly. Only he and Doctor Fraiser were left.

"Don't even think about asking me," she said. "I'm busy."

Hammond sighed and left the infirmary, looking for someone else he could dump the mess on.

THE END