- three - Farewell to Mordor
Lina and Kemen Yäve woke up early the next morning and immediately set off, due west. They were
travelling quickly; the air of Mordor had grown even fouler overnight and their longing to get out
strengthened. Within a few hours they could see the tower of Cirith Ungol.
Creeping stealthily among the shadows, Kemen Yäve and Lina watched a large number of ugly
creatures patrolling the area, carrying knives and other brutal weapons. Lina gulped when they saw one of
them idly hack at the ground.
"How do we do this? How do get past the ooooorcs? We must journey on, we must not give up, for I
must arrive at Gon... dor... Before the winter comes! Before the winter- "
"Shut up!" hissed the scone. "If we wish to get past these orcs, as you say they are called, we must not be
heard! We may be small but, according to your tales, many creatures have ears where we, er... do not expect
them! Now listen, I have a cunning plan..."
Kemen Yäve whispered something to Lina, whose eyes bugged out of her yellow grass tip head.
"Are you sure we'll be able to do this? Sounds awfully risky to me..." she sang doubtfully.
"Of course!" replied Kemen Yäve cheerfully. "Now if you just carefully walk out a little, that's it..."
Lina bounced out of the shadows and straight towards one of the larger orcs, yet it did not see her
approaching. Lina began to jump up and down higher and harder, and even started to bounce on its foot. It
still did not notice her presence.
"Excuse me!" she bellowed. "Can you get your army or your scout group or whatever to let us past,
please? We could really do without the extra hassle. Please..." Lina trailed off, glancing at the orc in defeat
while it continued to sharpen it's knife.
"Go on," encouraged the scone. "Try something else. Something you're better at..."
Lina looked up at the orc again. She coughed.
"Oh, most wondrous orc! Most foulest of things! Oh, how your stench infuriates me!" she sang in a loud
voice. The orc dropped his knife in shock, and Lina dodged to avoid being flattened by it. The orc looked
around for the source of the voice, and then bent down for his knife.
Lina the grass blade was standing on top of it.
"Eh?" Before the orc could say or do anything else, Lina began to serenade him.
Orcs are not used to being serenaded. Particularly this orc. Lina's song struck his eardrums into
stupidity, and he keeled over in shock. As Lina reached an especially touching verse about rainbows,
memories of the orc's childhood and beyond rushed back to him; playing with the other orc kids, eating,
playing, eating, laughing when his orc friend tripped over a banana skin, eating, crushing his friend's skull
with a club, eating, getting a place in the Orc Military, eating, being promoted to General Really Top Superior
Orc, eating... and now, as he looked back on his life and what he had become, his despair emerged from the
hidden, most barren corners of the soul.
He cried.
Kemen Yäve saw a conveniently placed handkerchief on the ground nearby, waddled over to it,
waddled back, and presented it to the orc.
"Cheers." The orc blew his nose.
The small scone turned to Lina, who blinked away a tear.
The orc began to howl and wail, as he remembered how his mother had taught him a very important
lesson about his personal hygiene, right before she died. The other orcs in the General Really Top Superior
Orc's patrol team plundered over to him, shared similar stories about their shrouded pasts, and within a few
minutes they had a little Family Time huddle going on. They released their sins, their not-so-hidden rage,
and their most terrible secrets. Several got rather upset. A few descended into rage. Pretty soon they were
beating each other up, the fight centered around a small group who were yelling incomprehensible things at
each other along the vague lines of 'girlfriend', 'with' and 'slept'.
Kemen Yäve poked Lina.
"I guess this would be our cue to leave."
The two small beings leapt over the rocks, tripped, got up again and leapt some more as they made for
the river Anduin.
"Look! I can see it! Look at the wonder that lies over there!" Lina danced about, pointing maniacally
with her head.
Kemen Yäve had never seen such a beautiful thing in her existence. It's power overwhelmed her and she
felt irresistibly drawn to it. There it lay... gleaming in the Sun, that seemed to have risen high in the sky just to
honor the presence of such a child of love and goodness and pretty things. Slowly, Kemen Yäve waddled as
though in a dream, her eyes lost with desire, while Lina continued to dance in ecstasy. Closer and closer the
scone waddled, towards the river... Towards the donut.
"Hark!"
The scone heard Lina's cry and snapped out of her trance. She turned to face her friend. Except that Lina
was difficult to see, as she was in the shadow of a huge creature, a beast of the sky.
Lina was running towards the shocked scone, but the shadow continued to loom over her, moving with
incredible speed, never falling behind. Kemen Yäve stood motionless, unsure of what to do and even more
unsure of the abomination that bolted ever nearer towards her.
"What is it?" As soon as she yelled the words, the scone knew how stupid the question was. What is it?
What's the problem? Oh, nothing to worry about, it's just a huge black thing that popped out of the sky,
chasing us, and probably about to beat the crap out of our innocent lives.
Kemen Yäve rolled her eyes at herself and focused on Lina again, who was still bouncing towards her.
She was a lot closer now, and her faint voice was screeching something about the beast towering above her.
"It's a pigeon!"
"A what?" the scone yelled back.
"A PIGEON!"
"A pigeon?"
"Yes!"
"Isn't that a bit of a silly name?" Yet another stupid question. Kemen Yäve wanted to shoot herself for
her lack of assertiveness in situations such as these.
Lina could be heard screaming as she tore over the ground. The scone watched her, silently thinking
about what should be done.
Kemen Yäve began to run.
Or, rather, waddle with extreme speed.
For dramatic effect, she screamed as well.
Soon, Lina had caught up and the two were waddling quickly over the hard ground together, still
screaming.
"PRAY!" encouraged Lina.
"What?"
"Pray!"
"Satay?"
Lina gave up and once more resorted to screaming. Kemen Yäve shrugged and joined in, again.
They reached the donut, but their panic blocked out the joy they should have felt at being so near it, and
their yells rang out loud above the faint humming that the donut emitted. The two companions catapulted
themselves into the ring of the donut and quivered in fear, eyes shut.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Stop screaming," Lina advised.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Lina was about to repeat herself and let the conversation slide into an exchange consisting of only
'Aaaaaaaaaah!' and feeble protests against the yelling, when she saw the pigeon land in front of the donut, its
shadow blackening the ground wherever it turned. Kemen Yäve shut up.
Silence.
Well, nearly silence. The scone and the blade of grass could not fail to notice how loud the humming
donut really was. The ever-lasting, single note that told the never-ending story of all things donutty was
rather unnerving. Lina poked the donut. The humming paused, a splodge of jam shot out in a fraction of a
second, and the donut resumed humming. Kemen Yäve raised her eyebrows, and shrugged again.
A footstep. The pigeon had taken a step closer, and it was now right in front of the donut and its
temporary inhabitants. They could see a brown, bulbous eye stare into their own... but then Kemen Yäve
realized something.
She cleared her throat quietly.
"Shut up!!!," Lina yelled in panic. "It'll HEAR us!!!!!!"
"I think," the scone said testily, "It already has. But it does not care."
"Of course it does! The bloody thing wants to kill us; we are in his territory! It hates us!" Lina ranted.
"We are the mould to its bread! We are the killers of its children! We are the spider to its arachnophobic mind!"
"Lina, it wants the donut. So I suggest we leave them both alone to work something out."
"Ah."
"Yes?"
"No."
The scone sighed. "Why not?"
"Firstly, we can't give it away... it smells so delicious and scrummy. The pigeon can't just take it!"
"And yet it's ours to take?"
"Yes."
"Ah."
"Yes?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because this donut does not belong to us. This donut is his own self, his own donut. We should leave it
alone. To eat it or give it away would be like a donut version of the slave trade - ignorance of basic rights. So
if the pigeon wants the donut, he'll have to argue with the donut about it, but we are not to interfere by
standing in the way."
"So are we move out of the donut ring? I don't understand. You want us to 'get out of the way' and
stand in full exposure of that pigeon's beak and sharp talon things?" Lina asked incredulously.
"That's the point; the pigeon does not want to kill us with his beak or 'sharp talon things', but we will be
harmed if we stand in the way of his compromise with the donut, since we are currently squashed up inside it.
The donut will not take responsibility of our lives. We have to make our own decisions. This is how the world
works, my friend."
*Kemen Yäve turns to audience, wearing a serious expression that yells, "I am the ultimate dictionary on how to deal with life's
mishaps. Come, let me kiss your babies!"*
Kemen Yäve (spoken): "Remember that, kids."
*end short cheesy interval*
Lina nodded solemnly. Side by side, the two companions started to clamber out of the ring, when a
sudden flash of dark yellow streaked into the donut hole, right in front of them, and then shot out again.
Kemen Yäve, once more, instinctively shut her eyes.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
When she opened them, she realized she was covered in sticky strawberry jam. Before her was a gaping
crater in the donut's flesh. Jam continued to pour out of it, where the chunk of donut had been torn off.
"Well, isn't that just..." Kemen Yäve was furious. "Lina, did you see that? That bastard of a pigeon didn't
even give the donut a chance to negotiate! He didn't even consider the worth of the donut's life for one moment!
This is murder! That pigeon is a complete and utter twit! I wouldn't be surprised if it returns home to a death
sentence if it carries on like this. Honestly..." The scone sighed. "Lina? Lina?"
She spun around wildly. Lina was nowhere to be seen. Neither was the remainder of the donut, which
had been devoured while Kemen Yäve ranted, apparently to herself... She was alone.
The shadow of a gigantic beast rose high in the air, and Kemen Yäve gazed up at the sky to watch the
bird leave Mordor, and journey South. The scone wanted Lina to quit hiding now, and appear standing next
to her saying, "Sorry about that; just went invisible for a second."
But she had already reached the obvious conclusion of events, and knew that Lina would do no such
thing.
Lina and Kemen Yäve woke up early the next morning and immediately set off, due west. They were
travelling quickly; the air of Mordor had grown even fouler overnight and their longing to get out
strengthened. Within a few hours they could see the tower of Cirith Ungol.
Creeping stealthily among the shadows, Kemen Yäve and Lina watched a large number of ugly
creatures patrolling the area, carrying knives and other brutal weapons. Lina gulped when they saw one of
them idly hack at the ground.
"How do we do this? How do get past the ooooorcs? We must journey on, we must not give up, for I
must arrive at Gon... dor... Before the winter comes! Before the winter- "
"Shut up!" hissed the scone. "If we wish to get past these orcs, as you say they are called, we must not be
heard! We may be small but, according to your tales, many creatures have ears where we, er... do not expect
them! Now listen, I have a cunning plan..."
Kemen Yäve whispered something to Lina, whose eyes bugged out of her yellow grass tip head.
"Are you sure we'll be able to do this? Sounds awfully risky to me..." she sang doubtfully.
"Of course!" replied Kemen Yäve cheerfully. "Now if you just carefully walk out a little, that's it..."
Lina bounced out of the shadows and straight towards one of the larger orcs, yet it did not see her
approaching. Lina began to jump up and down higher and harder, and even started to bounce on its foot. It
still did not notice her presence.
"Excuse me!" she bellowed. "Can you get your army or your scout group or whatever to let us past,
please? We could really do without the extra hassle. Please..." Lina trailed off, glancing at the orc in defeat
while it continued to sharpen it's knife.
"Go on," encouraged the scone. "Try something else. Something you're better at..."
Lina looked up at the orc again. She coughed.
"Oh, most wondrous orc! Most foulest of things! Oh, how your stench infuriates me!" she sang in a loud
voice. The orc dropped his knife in shock, and Lina dodged to avoid being flattened by it. The orc looked
around for the source of the voice, and then bent down for his knife.
Lina the grass blade was standing on top of it.
"Eh?" Before the orc could say or do anything else, Lina began to serenade him.
Orcs are not used to being serenaded. Particularly this orc. Lina's song struck his eardrums into
stupidity, and he keeled over in shock. As Lina reached an especially touching verse about rainbows,
memories of the orc's childhood and beyond rushed back to him; playing with the other orc kids, eating,
playing, eating, laughing when his orc friend tripped over a banana skin, eating, crushing his friend's skull
with a club, eating, getting a place in the Orc Military, eating, being promoted to General Really Top Superior
Orc, eating... and now, as he looked back on his life and what he had become, his despair emerged from the
hidden, most barren corners of the soul.
He cried.
Kemen Yäve saw a conveniently placed handkerchief on the ground nearby, waddled over to it,
waddled back, and presented it to the orc.
"Cheers." The orc blew his nose.
The small scone turned to Lina, who blinked away a tear.
The orc began to howl and wail, as he remembered how his mother had taught him a very important
lesson about his personal hygiene, right before she died. The other orcs in the General Really Top Superior
Orc's patrol team plundered over to him, shared similar stories about their shrouded pasts, and within a few
minutes they had a little Family Time huddle going on. They released their sins, their not-so-hidden rage,
and their most terrible secrets. Several got rather upset. A few descended into rage. Pretty soon they were
beating each other up, the fight centered around a small group who were yelling incomprehensible things at
each other along the vague lines of 'girlfriend', 'with' and 'slept'.
Kemen Yäve poked Lina.
"I guess this would be our cue to leave."
The two small beings leapt over the rocks, tripped, got up again and leapt some more as they made for
the river Anduin.
"Look! I can see it! Look at the wonder that lies over there!" Lina danced about, pointing maniacally
with her head.
Kemen Yäve had never seen such a beautiful thing in her existence. It's power overwhelmed her and she
felt irresistibly drawn to it. There it lay... gleaming in the Sun, that seemed to have risen high in the sky just to
honor the presence of such a child of love and goodness and pretty things. Slowly, Kemen Yäve waddled as
though in a dream, her eyes lost with desire, while Lina continued to dance in ecstasy. Closer and closer the
scone waddled, towards the river... Towards the donut.
"Hark!"
The scone heard Lina's cry and snapped out of her trance. She turned to face her friend. Except that Lina
was difficult to see, as she was in the shadow of a huge creature, a beast of the sky.
Lina was running towards the shocked scone, but the shadow continued to loom over her, moving with
incredible speed, never falling behind. Kemen Yäve stood motionless, unsure of what to do and even more
unsure of the abomination that bolted ever nearer towards her.
"What is it?" As soon as she yelled the words, the scone knew how stupid the question was. What is it?
What's the problem? Oh, nothing to worry about, it's just a huge black thing that popped out of the sky,
chasing us, and probably about to beat the crap out of our innocent lives.
Kemen Yäve rolled her eyes at herself and focused on Lina again, who was still bouncing towards her.
She was a lot closer now, and her faint voice was screeching something about the beast towering above her.
"It's a pigeon!"
"A what?" the scone yelled back.
"A PIGEON!"
"A pigeon?"
"Yes!"
"Isn't that a bit of a silly name?" Yet another stupid question. Kemen Yäve wanted to shoot herself for
her lack of assertiveness in situations such as these.
Lina could be heard screaming as she tore over the ground. The scone watched her, silently thinking
about what should be done.
Kemen Yäve began to run.
Or, rather, waddle with extreme speed.
For dramatic effect, she screamed as well.
Soon, Lina had caught up and the two were waddling quickly over the hard ground together, still
screaming.
"PRAY!" encouraged Lina.
"What?"
"Pray!"
"Satay?"
Lina gave up and once more resorted to screaming. Kemen Yäve shrugged and joined in, again.
They reached the donut, but their panic blocked out the joy they should have felt at being so near it, and
their yells rang out loud above the faint humming that the donut emitted. The two companions catapulted
themselves into the ring of the donut and quivered in fear, eyes shut.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Stop screaming," Lina advised.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Lina was about to repeat herself and let the conversation slide into an exchange consisting of only
'Aaaaaaaaaah!' and feeble protests against the yelling, when she saw the pigeon land in front of the donut, its
shadow blackening the ground wherever it turned. Kemen Yäve shut up.
Silence.
Well, nearly silence. The scone and the blade of grass could not fail to notice how loud the humming
donut really was. The ever-lasting, single note that told the never-ending story of all things donutty was
rather unnerving. Lina poked the donut. The humming paused, a splodge of jam shot out in a fraction of a
second, and the donut resumed humming. Kemen Yäve raised her eyebrows, and shrugged again.
A footstep. The pigeon had taken a step closer, and it was now right in front of the donut and its
temporary inhabitants. They could see a brown, bulbous eye stare into their own... but then Kemen Yäve
realized something.
She cleared her throat quietly.
"Shut up!!!," Lina yelled in panic. "It'll HEAR us!!!!!!"
"I think," the scone said testily, "It already has. But it does not care."
"Of course it does! The bloody thing wants to kill us; we are in his territory! It hates us!" Lina ranted.
"We are the mould to its bread! We are the killers of its children! We are the spider to its arachnophobic mind!"
"Lina, it wants the donut. So I suggest we leave them both alone to work something out."
"Ah."
"Yes?"
"No."
The scone sighed. "Why not?"
"Firstly, we can't give it away... it smells so delicious and scrummy. The pigeon can't just take it!"
"And yet it's ours to take?"
"Yes."
"Ah."
"Yes?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because this donut does not belong to us. This donut is his own self, his own donut. We should leave it
alone. To eat it or give it away would be like a donut version of the slave trade - ignorance of basic rights. So
if the pigeon wants the donut, he'll have to argue with the donut about it, but we are not to interfere by
standing in the way."
"So are we move out of the donut ring? I don't understand. You want us to 'get out of the way' and
stand in full exposure of that pigeon's beak and sharp talon things?" Lina asked incredulously.
"That's the point; the pigeon does not want to kill us with his beak or 'sharp talon things', but we will be
harmed if we stand in the way of his compromise with the donut, since we are currently squashed up inside it.
The donut will not take responsibility of our lives. We have to make our own decisions. This is how the world
works, my friend."
*Kemen Yäve turns to audience, wearing a serious expression that yells, "I am the ultimate dictionary on how to deal with life's
mishaps. Come, let me kiss your babies!"*
Kemen Yäve (spoken): "Remember that, kids."
*end short cheesy interval*
Lina nodded solemnly. Side by side, the two companions started to clamber out of the ring, when a
sudden flash of dark yellow streaked into the donut hole, right in front of them, and then shot out again.
Kemen Yäve, once more, instinctively shut her eyes.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
When she opened them, she realized she was covered in sticky strawberry jam. Before her was a gaping
crater in the donut's flesh. Jam continued to pour out of it, where the chunk of donut had been torn off.
"Well, isn't that just..." Kemen Yäve was furious. "Lina, did you see that? That bastard of a pigeon didn't
even give the donut a chance to negotiate! He didn't even consider the worth of the donut's life for one moment!
This is murder! That pigeon is a complete and utter twit! I wouldn't be surprised if it returns home to a death
sentence if it carries on like this. Honestly..." The scone sighed. "Lina? Lina?"
She spun around wildly. Lina was nowhere to be seen. Neither was the remainder of the donut, which
had been devoured while Kemen Yäve ranted, apparently to herself... She was alone.
The shadow of a gigantic beast rose high in the air, and Kemen Yäve gazed up at the sky to watch the
bird leave Mordor, and journey South. The scone wanted Lina to quit hiding now, and appear standing next
to her saying, "Sorry about that; just went invisible for a second."
But she had already reached the obvious conclusion of events, and knew that Lina would do no such
thing.