- four -

Alone, and Forth to Gondor



¤ "Excuse me! Please, kind sir and Mr. Security Guard, I'd like to request, um - I'd like to request... please, listen -"

Guard: "So, the weather was awful last night, wasn't it? It was raining like hell... which is a pretty awful place

as well. Haha! Pun!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Um... yeah. It was terrible. I constantly wish for the sunny weather of

Rivendell."

¤ "Excuse me!"

Guard: "Y'know, I heard about a plan to capture the Sun - with a net, HAHA! -- and put it above Gondor... I

guess it's already above Gondor and the Rest of Middle Earth anyway, but haha!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Riiiiiiight."

¤ "Please...?"

Guard: "Haha, imagine the looks on those elves' faces. We would have the Sun's wonderful rays of light

shining upon us all year round. And they wouldn't! HAHA!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Is this your idea of humor?"

Guard: "Yes."

¤ "Why aren't you paying any attention to me?"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Yeah... you're pretty shitty at that, aren't you?"

¤ "Listen to me! Please, I know I'm small, but..."

Guard: "Haha, you just said a bad word, you made a funny!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: *sigh*

¤ "AAAAARRGH! Listen!!!"

Guard: "Look, it's a scone. Tee hee."

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Wha...? Where'd that come from?"

¤ "Finally, you're paying attention. Now..." *clears throat*

Guard: "It's a little yellow, so it must come from the Sun. HAHA!"

¤ "I request entry to your wonderful city, my good Gondorians."

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Should we eat it?"

Guard: "You go ahead; I don't want it. I'm too fat already. Hee hee."

¤ "Eat me?! I want entry to your bloody city!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: Nah... I can't eat that. I don't know where it's been.

¤ "I'll have you know I've been into the very depths of Mount Doom."

Guard: "That's obvious, my long suffering friend; it came from the Sun! The Sun's so happy and peaceful that

this scone won't do any harm to-"

Guard's Long Suffering Friend: "You wanker."

¤ "I agree."

Guard: "What if we leave the scone alone?"

¤ "No, don't leave the scone alone. The scone needs you to OPEN THE FRIKKIN' GATE!"

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "Whatever. I'm going. It's getting dark."

Guard: "Fare thee well! I shall watch these gates with the eyes of a hawk, and listen with the ears of a dog,

and POUNCE upon -"

Guard's Long Suffering Friend: "Yeah, yeah, goodnight." [Exeunt]

Guard: "-and POUNCE upon intruders like the lion I am! Aaargh, gaaargh, scurvy intruders: talk to me! Let

me slice your innards into the thickness of string cheese; stand aside while I bellow for the love of my king;

and if your intentions are evil, then despair, for I shall fight for Gondor till the end!"

¤?*sigh* "Why am I doing this...?"

Guard: "HAHAHAHAHA!"

¤ "For the sake of Middle Earth, shut up and let me past..."

Guard: "Here I shall stand, fiends! Till the end! Till the end! HAHA! Tee hee... haha..."

[Kemen Yäve falls asleep]

NEXT MORNING Two men in black capes carry the guard's body back to the mental Institution, where he will be

locked in a room with padded walls and the entire series of Monty Python, to show him true humor and how his

disturbing interpretation of comedy has caused many an unfortunate person to scamper beneath the nearest rock.

Guard's Long-Suffering Friend: "What an idiot."

Kemen Yäve slips through the open gate, into Gondor.