Disclaimer: As always, none of these characters are mine except Moeris and
a couple others. They all belong to me, but Remus, Sirius, Dumbledore, and
the such do not.
Author's Note: Since italicizing hasn't been working lately, I used slashes to represent it instead. Hope this installation is a bit better. Enjoy and please review! ;)
Chapter 4
Visit to Azkaban
God, he was going to see Sirius. Or was he? Dumbledore never said he had to go after all, right? But this is Sirius. He probably wants to see you, Remus thought. Yeah, see you to tell you how not sorry he is for killing his "best" friends.
For days since Dumbledore had visited him since the full moon, Remus had been fighting a war inside his mind over whether or not he should in fact visit his friend - or who he thought was his friend - in Azkaban. The possible rendezvous was in less than a week, and his decision was strongly anticipated by the Hogwarts Headmaster.
Remus was once again drinking tea as comfort for his dilemma. His mother had always given it to him as a child so the habit stuck. He prudently sipped it and stared blankly out the cracked window at the innumerous weeds in his yard.
"Look, go see that guy. You know you want to," Moeris tried to help. He had been advised by Dumbledore to try and convince Remus to go from the very beginning of the proposition. He himself didn't understand the complications behind the situation and knew virtually nothing of Remus's past, except that it wasn't a good one. He was only doing as Dumbledore had asked, and didn't hesitate. He had earned an instant respect for the old man, hoping that maybe he could go to Hogwarts someday.
Remus immediately stopped drinking his tea and slammed his cup down in frustration. "You don't understand. If you only knew what he'd done." He angrily stood up, purposely forgetting to push in his chair. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore that I'm going," he finally sighed.
Amazed, Moeris smiled. He watched his werewolf guide stride out of the kitchen quite hastily. Something I said must have worked, he thought proudly to himself, and finished Remus's tea for him.
-Fortress of Azkaban-
Icy scabbed hands gripped him at his wrists. "I don't want to see him!" he screamed tragically. "It'll only be worse!" Here in this hellhole he didn't care to keep up his "dashing gentleman" reputation. It was more important to keep his "sane" one. As he peered glumly at his fellow prisoners flashing past him, he realized that most of them were in a worse state than him. Much worse. And he had been here longer than them too. Any other long- term prisoners were closer to his own cell, and they didn't look like men anymore.
He seldom got visitors anymore. It'd only been a year, but it seemed that no one cared for him except the dementors, who only delighted in feeding on his memories. At first his family came. Wasn't much of a family though, he thought carelessly. His mother came once with his younger sister, but his father didn't dare to come to even look at him. But Remus, I'm surprised he's even coming.
He didn't know whether to be grateful or not. He wouldn't mind having a friend for once. (True murderers conversing weren't the most pleasant people to talk to.) But he knew he didn't deserve to have one. He didn't want Remus to see him like this. Then Remus would feel responsible or guilty for his own odd reasons.
Other than the sake of Remus, Sirius absolutely hated the procedure in which he could see anyone. It was mentally and physically demanding - him being who he was - under maximum security. At least ten dementors had to be present with him constantly, but having a visitor doubled that amount. He couldn't even transform into Padfoot now since there were two human guards present. Fior Keger and Aeneas Sollace were probably the only two human beings who weren't affected by the "happiness vampires" of the prison. They were mainly needed as the vision that the dementors didn't have, and that was why Sirius always had to be extra careful about becoming Padfoot, and also why he couldn't become Padfoot during his upcoming visit.
Ever since that fateful night when Voldemort killed James and Lily and he had been proclaimed murderer, Sirius didn't care for anything anymore. He often felt as if he was in another body, floating around like a cloud. The things Azkaban does to a person. He didn't fight back when he was captured that night about a less than a year ago, as so he didn't fight back now. Not much anyway
The dementors threw him to the hard cold stony floor with no sympathy. They looked pleased to torture him in body just as they did with his mind. Fior and Aeneas magically placed silver metal handcuffs on the notorious inmate and motioned for him to take a seat. Sirius refused to give them any more satisfaction and remained standing. That is, until about fifteen dementors joined him in his temporary cell. The cell had three metal sides and one of clear glass so he could see his visitor. All he had to do now was wait. Unfortunately, it was in the company of his worst memories.
-Main Entrance of Azkaban-
Following the elderly man, Remus stayed hidden and tried not to think of the pain to come. Dumbledore mumbled something to the largest most towering dementor - undoubtedly their leader and the head of the prison. Remus shivered and watched the eerie gray floating creatures nervously. He simultaneously tried to think of the most cheerful and happiest thought he could manage. He settled to when his friends had become Animagi for the first time, and tried not to feel guilty about Dumbledore still not knowing this. Guilt would just attract the dementors - and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Remus, I have to attend to some other prisoners. Death Eaters in fact. I'm sure one of these wretched fellows will lead you to Sirius." Remus cringed at the name and overcame his every will by following the dementors down a dark gloomy corridor to the visiting chambers.
When he finally saw spotted his friend, he was terrified. For once in his life, he felt much more luxurious and wealthy than is friend. But that didn't matter. Even though he killed his best friends, he still cared for him. He couldn't have always been a murderer for all he did for me before, he reasoned, becoming his old true self.
Sirius didn't notice him at first. His mass of tangled hair was hung over his face and is eyes were shut tight, as if in pain. Indeed he was, for he was reliving all of the worst memories he ever knew.
Remus hesitated for a moment and then tapped on the glass. Sirius jerked out of his trance and smiled right off the bat. Remus couldn't help it - he grinned back wryly. This was still his friend - just a murderous one. Sirius spoke first.
"I didn't do it." He got right to the point. His hoarse voice did not waver. He was authentic. Maybe.
Remus was astonished at the overture of their conversation. He couldn't believe him. He just couldn't. Not after what he did. "I don't know Sirius, I just don't know." Sirius lowered his gaze as if being sentenced to going to Azkaban all over again. Remus quickly changed the subject. "This place is dreadful. How're you managing?"
"Well enough," he replied briskly. "Made any new friends? Girl friends?" His eyes shone longing of a free life, and what it could have been like.
"So all this time you've been thinking all about me and my love life. I should have known." Remus found himself playing along with his little meager joy. "I've found no one, if you must know." He clearly remembered Moeris, but refused to mention him. Before he knew what he was saying, he blurted out, "Why did you kill them? And why not me too? If you were so willing to have them die, why not me?"
Right away, Sirius faint glimmer of happiness was snuffed out. "R - Remus. Moony," he breathed. "You wouldn't understand it all."
"Oh, so it's because I was too much of a dimwit and not worth wasting the time to kill? Do you realize how miserable it is being alone!" he bellowed. For once, he was loosing all sense of his usual logic and openly expressing his feelings.
"I know what it's like. I didn't mean to." Sirius broke down then and there and began sobbing silently but persevered in his speech. "It wasn't me. It w - was Peter."
'You really are sick," he spat out. "Peter's dead. Because of you. I can't see how you can blame it on him, whom you killed. He didn't do anything to you. But now he's dead, and so are James and Lily." The words hurt mortally.
Sirius was beginning to believe that he did actually do it. I did kill them. If not, I killed Remus and myself. He was going to die feeling that way. Remus on the other hand, would die feeling guilty: Guilty for living.
None of them spoke. Finally after about five minutes, the guards let tem know time was up by hovering especially close, creating a barrage of self- hate in each of them. Sirius was released from his binds and escorted away through the exit by around fifteen dementors. Remus left sadly too, shedding a few tears as he did so.
* * *
Reading the Muggle newspaper was a nice way to pass the time. Finding a job was hopeless at the time. He needed to be crafty and wait until they're desperate to hire employees. Then he'd be guaranteed a job. He smirked to himself at his own intelligence.
He was flipping inadvertently but something caught his eye.
Farmer Dead: Conspiracy or Not? Richard Ellings of Carlisle was discovered in his barn this past weekend. His mutilated body has been tested and it appears that he has been dead for the past two weeks. Investigators have assured us that he was definitely murdered, for he possessed no potential suicidal weaponry or medications. So far, no motives for murder have been discovered, but the police are on the constant search. Sergeant Miles stated, 'We have never seen someone die like this. Whoever or whatever it was or is quite vicious. We advise you be extra careful at night and are willing to accept any information on this case."
Remus choked. This week was turning out worse than he thought it would. He was upset with Sirius and didn't even "wish him the best" like he had set out to do, and now - if evidence points to where he thinks it is- he was upset with himself. Or Moeris.
Author's Note: Since italicizing hasn't been working lately, I used slashes to represent it instead. Hope this installation is a bit better. Enjoy and please review! ;)
Chapter 4
Visit to Azkaban
God, he was going to see Sirius. Or was he? Dumbledore never said he had to go after all, right? But this is Sirius. He probably wants to see you, Remus thought. Yeah, see you to tell you how not sorry he is for killing his "best" friends.
For days since Dumbledore had visited him since the full moon, Remus had been fighting a war inside his mind over whether or not he should in fact visit his friend - or who he thought was his friend - in Azkaban. The possible rendezvous was in less than a week, and his decision was strongly anticipated by the Hogwarts Headmaster.
Remus was once again drinking tea as comfort for his dilemma. His mother had always given it to him as a child so the habit stuck. He prudently sipped it and stared blankly out the cracked window at the innumerous weeds in his yard.
"Look, go see that guy. You know you want to," Moeris tried to help. He had been advised by Dumbledore to try and convince Remus to go from the very beginning of the proposition. He himself didn't understand the complications behind the situation and knew virtually nothing of Remus's past, except that it wasn't a good one. He was only doing as Dumbledore had asked, and didn't hesitate. He had earned an instant respect for the old man, hoping that maybe he could go to Hogwarts someday.
Remus immediately stopped drinking his tea and slammed his cup down in frustration. "You don't understand. If you only knew what he'd done." He angrily stood up, purposely forgetting to push in his chair. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore that I'm going," he finally sighed.
Amazed, Moeris smiled. He watched his werewolf guide stride out of the kitchen quite hastily. Something I said must have worked, he thought proudly to himself, and finished Remus's tea for him.
-Fortress of Azkaban-
Icy scabbed hands gripped him at his wrists. "I don't want to see him!" he screamed tragically. "It'll only be worse!" Here in this hellhole he didn't care to keep up his "dashing gentleman" reputation. It was more important to keep his "sane" one. As he peered glumly at his fellow prisoners flashing past him, he realized that most of them were in a worse state than him. Much worse. And he had been here longer than them too. Any other long- term prisoners were closer to his own cell, and they didn't look like men anymore.
He seldom got visitors anymore. It'd only been a year, but it seemed that no one cared for him except the dementors, who only delighted in feeding on his memories. At first his family came. Wasn't much of a family though, he thought carelessly. His mother came once with his younger sister, but his father didn't dare to come to even look at him. But Remus, I'm surprised he's even coming.
He didn't know whether to be grateful or not. He wouldn't mind having a friend for once. (True murderers conversing weren't the most pleasant people to talk to.) But he knew he didn't deserve to have one. He didn't want Remus to see him like this. Then Remus would feel responsible or guilty for his own odd reasons.
Other than the sake of Remus, Sirius absolutely hated the procedure in which he could see anyone. It was mentally and physically demanding - him being who he was - under maximum security. At least ten dementors had to be present with him constantly, but having a visitor doubled that amount. He couldn't even transform into Padfoot now since there were two human guards present. Fior Keger and Aeneas Sollace were probably the only two human beings who weren't affected by the "happiness vampires" of the prison. They were mainly needed as the vision that the dementors didn't have, and that was why Sirius always had to be extra careful about becoming Padfoot, and also why he couldn't become Padfoot during his upcoming visit.
Ever since that fateful night when Voldemort killed James and Lily and he had been proclaimed murderer, Sirius didn't care for anything anymore. He often felt as if he was in another body, floating around like a cloud. The things Azkaban does to a person. He didn't fight back when he was captured that night about a less than a year ago, as so he didn't fight back now. Not much anyway
The dementors threw him to the hard cold stony floor with no sympathy. They looked pleased to torture him in body just as they did with his mind. Fior and Aeneas magically placed silver metal handcuffs on the notorious inmate and motioned for him to take a seat. Sirius refused to give them any more satisfaction and remained standing. That is, until about fifteen dementors joined him in his temporary cell. The cell had three metal sides and one of clear glass so he could see his visitor. All he had to do now was wait. Unfortunately, it was in the company of his worst memories.
-Main Entrance of Azkaban-
Following the elderly man, Remus stayed hidden and tried not to think of the pain to come. Dumbledore mumbled something to the largest most towering dementor - undoubtedly their leader and the head of the prison. Remus shivered and watched the eerie gray floating creatures nervously. He simultaneously tried to think of the most cheerful and happiest thought he could manage. He settled to when his friends had become Animagi for the first time, and tried not to feel guilty about Dumbledore still not knowing this. Guilt would just attract the dementors - and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Remus, I have to attend to some other prisoners. Death Eaters in fact. I'm sure one of these wretched fellows will lead you to Sirius." Remus cringed at the name and overcame his every will by following the dementors down a dark gloomy corridor to the visiting chambers.
When he finally saw spotted his friend, he was terrified. For once in his life, he felt much more luxurious and wealthy than is friend. But that didn't matter. Even though he killed his best friends, he still cared for him. He couldn't have always been a murderer for all he did for me before, he reasoned, becoming his old true self.
Sirius didn't notice him at first. His mass of tangled hair was hung over his face and is eyes were shut tight, as if in pain. Indeed he was, for he was reliving all of the worst memories he ever knew.
Remus hesitated for a moment and then tapped on the glass. Sirius jerked out of his trance and smiled right off the bat. Remus couldn't help it - he grinned back wryly. This was still his friend - just a murderous one. Sirius spoke first.
"I didn't do it." He got right to the point. His hoarse voice did not waver. He was authentic. Maybe.
Remus was astonished at the overture of their conversation. He couldn't believe him. He just couldn't. Not after what he did. "I don't know Sirius, I just don't know." Sirius lowered his gaze as if being sentenced to going to Azkaban all over again. Remus quickly changed the subject. "This place is dreadful. How're you managing?"
"Well enough," he replied briskly. "Made any new friends? Girl friends?" His eyes shone longing of a free life, and what it could have been like.
"So all this time you've been thinking all about me and my love life. I should have known." Remus found himself playing along with his little meager joy. "I've found no one, if you must know." He clearly remembered Moeris, but refused to mention him. Before he knew what he was saying, he blurted out, "Why did you kill them? And why not me too? If you were so willing to have them die, why not me?"
Right away, Sirius faint glimmer of happiness was snuffed out. "R - Remus. Moony," he breathed. "You wouldn't understand it all."
"Oh, so it's because I was too much of a dimwit and not worth wasting the time to kill? Do you realize how miserable it is being alone!" he bellowed. For once, he was loosing all sense of his usual logic and openly expressing his feelings.
"I know what it's like. I didn't mean to." Sirius broke down then and there and began sobbing silently but persevered in his speech. "It wasn't me. It w - was Peter."
'You really are sick," he spat out. "Peter's dead. Because of you. I can't see how you can blame it on him, whom you killed. He didn't do anything to you. But now he's dead, and so are James and Lily." The words hurt mortally.
Sirius was beginning to believe that he did actually do it. I did kill them. If not, I killed Remus and myself. He was going to die feeling that way. Remus on the other hand, would die feeling guilty: Guilty for living.
None of them spoke. Finally after about five minutes, the guards let tem know time was up by hovering especially close, creating a barrage of self- hate in each of them. Sirius was released from his binds and escorted away through the exit by around fifteen dementors. Remus left sadly too, shedding a few tears as he did so.
* * *
Reading the Muggle newspaper was a nice way to pass the time. Finding a job was hopeless at the time. He needed to be crafty and wait until they're desperate to hire employees. Then he'd be guaranteed a job. He smirked to himself at his own intelligence.
He was flipping inadvertently but something caught his eye.
Farmer Dead: Conspiracy or Not? Richard Ellings of Carlisle was discovered in his barn this past weekend. His mutilated body has been tested and it appears that he has been dead for the past two weeks. Investigators have assured us that he was definitely murdered, for he possessed no potential suicidal weaponry or medications. So far, no motives for murder have been discovered, but the police are on the constant search. Sergeant Miles stated, 'We have never seen someone die like this. Whoever or whatever it was or is quite vicious. We advise you be extra careful at night and are willing to accept any information on this case."
Remus choked. This week was turning out worse than he thought it would. He was upset with Sirius and didn't even "wish him the best" like he had set out to do, and now - if evidence points to where he thinks it is- he was upset with himself. Or Moeris.