Title: Minority Report - The Remix
Disclaimer: It's kinda obvious that I don't own any of the original characters ... they came from the wonderful Phillip K. Dick ... or Steven Spielberg.
A/N: I am aware that I've got the scenes in the wrong sequence, so no need to remind me. And I'm very sorry that I haven't updated for so long ... but thanks for reading anyway! The Recruit is coming out soon! Yay! I'm gonna see how many more cameos I can fit in ... eheh.
.........................................
INT. PRE-CRIME DEPARTMENT
COLIN:: *twiddles a random ball, and begins to juggle* Now, all we need to do is wait for Tom to come to us.
JED:: Why don't we just go out there and get him?
FLETCHER:: But that's like looking for a haystack in a needle!
COLIN:: It's needle in a haystack you dimwit.
FLETCHER:: Oh.
COLIN:: No, we already tried to look for him, and that didn't work. *carries on juggling oh-so-skilfully but accidentally drops a ball. It rolls to a photo frame*
JED:: I'm hungry.
COLIN:: *inspects photo of Tom and his wife* Okay fine, take out your heat detector spiders and go and look for Tom.
FLETCHER:: Whoo! *leaves with Jed*
COLIN:: Hmmm. *strokes some stubble*
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *drool*
AUDIENCE:: Here we go again.
**FLASHBACK**
EXT. OF AN ORDINARY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
AUDIENCE:: Dude, if this is what the future looks like, then we're in it already. Doesn't Steven have any imagination?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:: I didn't want to copy the Fifth Element.
LARA:: Hi, I'm Lara. I'm Tom's wife.
TOM FANGIRL:: Die evil, die!!
LARA:: Would you like some coffee?
COLIN:: Yes, one sugar please.
LARA:: *wanders off*
COLIN:: So your husband is a neurotic psychopath who needs to be captured, right?
LARA:: No. I don't like you. And I don't have any sugar.
COLIN:: Damn, nothing for my sweet tooth?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *race to the shops to buy chocolate*
LARA:: You scare me. Are you trying to make a move on me?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: As if he would.
COLIN:: No, I'd upset all the fangirls if I ever got a love interest.
LARA:: I divorced Tom not because he was a neurotic twisted psychopath who lost our son, but because I'm the neurotic twisted psychopath.
COLIN:: That's okay, it's not like I needed a reason to arrest Tom anyway. Bye.
AUDIENCE:: ???
**END OF FLASHBACK**
INT. OF A GRUNGY LOOKING APARTMENT
TOM:: Hello, anyone there?
DR. SOLOMON:: Hello. I am Dr. Solomon, the eye doctor. I am here to give you new eyeballs.
TOM:: Uh, thanks pal.
GIDEON:: And I am his helpful assistant.
TOM:: Dude! Go away! Stop following me!
GIDEON:: Don't be so full of yourself. Huh, as if I'd follow you.
DR. SOLOMON:: Enough chitter-chatter. I shall now take you through the procedure of this operation. Basically, I shall strap you down to this chair, and you will be sung to sleep by Gideon's rendition of "A Random Swedish Song". Then, these little metal things will pry out your eyeball completely, and I shall replace them with some eyes that belonged to a now blind man wandering around Washington with $50 in his wallet. It's as simple as that.
TOM:: What are you going to do with my eyeballs?
DR. SOLOMON:: Throw them away probably. Or transfer them into some unsuspecting person. Why?
TOM:: I'd like to keep them.
DR. SOLOMON:: Why?
TOM:: Because my mother gave them to me.
TOM FANGIRL:: Aw.
AUDIENCE:: Was that an attempt at a joke?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: Colin could do it better. And sexier.
GIDEON:: *sings "A Random Swedish Song"*
TOM:: *screams drowned out by Gideon's singing*
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER
DR. SOLOMON:: Okay, we're all done here. Make yourself at home - bathroom's that way, kitchen's that way. Leave the bandage on for 24 hours and remember - never scratch!
TOM:: *really itchy* That's helpful. I think I'll just go to sleep.
GIDEON:: Good boy. *sets a little timer on the table*
TOM:: *snores*
TOM FANGIRL:: Aw, he's so cute when he sleeps.
COLIN FANGIRLS:: Colin would be sexier.
ORLANDO BLOOM FANGIRLS:: Orlando would be sexier.
TOM:: Where did that come from?
ORLANDO BLOOM:: *shrugs*
TOM:: Fine, I'm going back to sleep then. *sleeps for a while*
AUDIENCE:: Ooh, is that drool I see?
TOM:: Oh my god, drool? Where? *lifts a mirror, but forgets that he has a bandage* Dang.
EXT. OF GRUNGY APARTMENT BUILDING
FLETCHER:: Okay guys, let's go and find Tom! Unleash the spiders!
RANDOM HENCHMAN:: *opens a box and 5.5 million metallic spiders come out*
RANDOM HENCHWOMAN:: Okay, I've got the heat detector going ...
COLIN:: How's it going guys? Found him yet?
FLETCHER:: Hey, this is meant to be my scene!
COLIN:: Who says?
FLETCHER:: Er ... er ... Steven?
STTEVEN SPIELBERG:: *polishing his Oscar* Hey don't look at me buddy.
FLETCHER:: Dammit you're stealing my thunder!
COLIN:: *says nothing but gives a smirk*
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *pass out*
COLIN:: *chews some gum*
AUDIENCE:: Hey, what's happening with Tom?
OH ALMIGHTY ONE [the author, as she would like to be known from now on]:: Oops, forgot about him, sorry.
INT. OF A GRUNGY LOOKING APARTMENT
TOM:: Oh no, heat detecting spiders are coming. I must drown myself in a bathtub of icy cold water. *runs to bathroom*
TOM FANGIRL:: Why?
OTHER TOM FANGIRL:: Who cares, he's getting wet!
GIDEON:: So that his body temperature will be lowered and the spiders won't detect him. Duh.
AUDIENCE:: Smart ass.
TOM:: Blub.
SPIDER #1:: *enters bathroom* Nothing here boys. *leaves bathroom*
AUDIENCE:: It speaks!!
TOM:: *sneezes ... underwater*
SPIDER #1:: Bless you.
AUDIENCE:: *blink*
SPIDER #1:: *double take* Boys!! He's in here!
TOM:: Blub blub.
Disclaimer: It's kinda obvious that I don't own any of the original characters ... they came from the wonderful Phillip K. Dick ... or Steven Spielberg.
A/N: I am aware that I've got the scenes in the wrong sequence, so no need to remind me. And I'm very sorry that I haven't updated for so long ... but thanks for reading anyway! The Recruit is coming out soon! Yay! I'm gonna see how many more cameos I can fit in ... eheh.
.........................................
INT. PRE-CRIME DEPARTMENT
COLIN:: *twiddles a random ball, and begins to juggle* Now, all we need to do is wait for Tom to come to us.
JED:: Why don't we just go out there and get him?
FLETCHER:: But that's like looking for a haystack in a needle!
COLIN:: It's needle in a haystack you dimwit.
FLETCHER:: Oh.
COLIN:: No, we already tried to look for him, and that didn't work. *carries on juggling oh-so-skilfully but accidentally drops a ball. It rolls to a photo frame*
JED:: I'm hungry.
COLIN:: *inspects photo of Tom and his wife* Okay fine, take out your heat detector spiders and go and look for Tom.
FLETCHER:: Whoo! *leaves with Jed*
COLIN:: Hmmm. *strokes some stubble*
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *drool*
AUDIENCE:: Here we go again.
**FLASHBACK**
EXT. OF AN ORDINARY HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
AUDIENCE:: Dude, if this is what the future looks like, then we're in it already. Doesn't Steven have any imagination?
STEVEN SPIELBERG:: I didn't want to copy the Fifth Element.
LARA:: Hi, I'm Lara. I'm Tom's wife.
TOM FANGIRL:: Die evil, die!!
LARA:: Would you like some coffee?
COLIN:: Yes, one sugar please.
LARA:: *wanders off*
COLIN:: So your husband is a neurotic psychopath who needs to be captured, right?
LARA:: No. I don't like you. And I don't have any sugar.
COLIN:: Damn, nothing for my sweet tooth?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *race to the shops to buy chocolate*
LARA:: You scare me. Are you trying to make a move on me?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: As if he would.
COLIN:: No, I'd upset all the fangirls if I ever got a love interest.
LARA:: I divorced Tom not because he was a neurotic twisted psychopath who lost our son, but because I'm the neurotic twisted psychopath.
COLIN:: That's okay, it's not like I needed a reason to arrest Tom anyway. Bye.
AUDIENCE:: ???
**END OF FLASHBACK**
INT. OF A GRUNGY LOOKING APARTMENT
TOM:: Hello, anyone there?
DR. SOLOMON:: Hello. I am Dr. Solomon, the eye doctor. I am here to give you new eyeballs.
TOM:: Uh, thanks pal.
GIDEON:: And I am his helpful assistant.
TOM:: Dude! Go away! Stop following me!
GIDEON:: Don't be so full of yourself. Huh, as if I'd follow you.
DR. SOLOMON:: Enough chitter-chatter. I shall now take you through the procedure of this operation. Basically, I shall strap you down to this chair, and you will be sung to sleep by Gideon's rendition of "A Random Swedish Song". Then, these little metal things will pry out your eyeball completely, and I shall replace them with some eyes that belonged to a now blind man wandering around Washington with $50 in his wallet. It's as simple as that.
TOM:: What are you going to do with my eyeballs?
DR. SOLOMON:: Throw them away probably. Or transfer them into some unsuspecting person. Why?
TOM:: I'd like to keep them.
DR. SOLOMON:: Why?
TOM:: Because my mother gave them to me.
TOM FANGIRL:: Aw.
AUDIENCE:: Was that an attempt at a joke?
COLIN FANGIRLS:: Colin could do it better. And sexier.
GIDEON:: *sings "A Random Swedish Song"*
TOM:: *screams drowned out by Gideon's singing*
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER
DR. SOLOMON:: Okay, we're all done here. Make yourself at home - bathroom's that way, kitchen's that way. Leave the bandage on for 24 hours and remember - never scratch!
TOM:: *really itchy* That's helpful. I think I'll just go to sleep.
GIDEON:: Good boy. *sets a little timer on the table*
TOM:: *snores*
TOM FANGIRL:: Aw, he's so cute when he sleeps.
COLIN FANGIRLS:: Colin would be sexier.
ORLANDO BLOOM FANGIRLS:: Orlando would be sexier.
TOM:: Where did that come from?
ORLANDO BLOOM:: *shrugs*
TOM:: Fine, I'm going back to sleep then. *sleeps for a while*
AUDIENCE:: Ooh, is that drool I see?
TOM:: Oh my god, drool? Where? *lifts a mirror, but forgets that he has a bandage* Dang.
EXT. OF GRUNGY APARTMENT BUILDING
FLETCHER:: Okay guys, let's go and find Tom! Unleash the spiders!
RANDOM HENCHMAN:: *opens a box and 5.5 million metallic spiders come out*
RANDOM HENCHWOMAN:: Okay, I've got the heat detector going ...
COLIN:: How's it going guys? Found him yet?
FLETCHER:: Hey, this is meant to be my scene!
COLIN:: Who says?
FLETCHER:: Er ... er ... Steven?
STTEVEN SPIELBERG:: *polishing his Oscar* Hey don't look at me buddy.
FLETCHER:: Dammit you're stealing my thunder!
COLIN:: *says nothing but gives a smirk*
COLIN FANGIRLS:: *pass out*
COLIN:: *chews some gum*
AUDIENCE:: Hey, what's happening with Tom?
OH ALMIGHTY ONE [the author, as she would like to be known from now on]:: Oops, forgot about him, sorry.
INT. OF A GRUNGY LOOKING APARTMENT
TOM:: Oh no, heat detecting spiders are coming. I must drown myself in a bathtub of icy cold water. *runs to bathroom*
TOM FANGIRL:: Why?
OTHER TOM FANGIRL:: Who cares, he's getting wet!
GIDEON:: So that his body temperature will be lowered and the spiders won't detect him. Duh.
AUDIENCE:: Smart ass.
TOM:: Blub.
SPIDER #1:: *enters bathroom* Nothing here boys. *leaves bathroom*
AUDIENCE:: It speaks!!
TOM:: *sneezes ... underwater*
SPIDER #1:: Bless you.
AUDIENCE:: *blink*
SPIDER #1:: *double take* Boys!! He's in here!
TOM:: Blub blub.