A week before graduation, Ren walked into math class and took her regular seat.
Noticing the lack of acknowledgement between her and Chris, Caroline turned around in her seat to face Ren. "Trouble in paradise?"
Ren's glare was silently poisonous. "Leave me alone."
"Aww, don't tell me he doesn't love you anymore."
Pretending to do last night's homework, Chris listened to the girls' conversation. He would like to see if Ren would return to her old friends.
"We broke up," Ren muttered. "Happy?"
"Oh, no! I am deeply saddened."
"Why do you have to be such a bitch?"
"Because of the perks," she replied cheerfully.
"You call those perky?"
Sneering at her, Caroline said, "Aren't you just the firecracker." She smiled suddenly. "So you're going to eat lunch with me and everyone else?"
"You've got to be kidding me."
"Well now that you're not obligated to eat with him anymore, why wouldn't you eat with me?" The look on her face was pointedly tender. "You're still my very best friend."
Opening her books to show her disinterest in the conversation, Ren muttered, "I'm sorry to hear that."
"What do you mean by that?" she demanded.
"What I mean is, it's going to be a very one-sided friendship because I quite honestly despise you very much, and I wouldn't be disheartened if, in the near future, you are taking a bath and a magical wind blows something electrical into the water and you die. In fact, I hope that happens. So no, I will not be joining you at lunch today."
"You'd rather be alone?" she asked doubtfully.
"I was always alone when I was with you anyway."
"Were there any questions from last night's homework?" the teacher, Mr. Benfield asked, ready to start the day's lesson.
Caroline glared over at Ren and snapped quietly but heatedly, "Slut."
"What was that, Miss Jennings?" Mr. Benfield demanded. "I hope you didn't just call me a slut."
"No, of course not, I only reserve such a term for special people like Ren here."
"Is there a problem, girls?"
"No," Ren muttered.
"And she's a liar too! Gee, what a winner you are, Ren. I'm starting to see what Chambers saw in you, considering how much you two have in common."
"Fuck you," Ren barked without thinking.
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room, Miss Rasmussen," Mr. Benfield said.
Quickly gathering her books, she said, "Gladly, thank you."
Sliding into a chair at the farthest table possible in the cafeteria, Ren emptied the contents of her lunch on the table but discovered she didn't have an appetite.
She didn't know why she had let her life get so fucked. Chris was indifferent towards her, and she had no friends to talk to or cry with or anything. She didn't even have Elizabeth because she was with Gordie and Chris.
She'd actually broken her own heart. There was nothing else in the world she wanted more than to have it all end.
The being alone was too much for her to endure now. She'd had people that wanted to be around her for a short time, and now that she had single-handedly ruined her relationships with Elizabeth, Gordie and especially Chris, the loneliness was worse because now she had something real to miss and wish for.
For once, though, she told herself to think of something in her life that was good. She was so used to focusing on her self-pity that she never stopped to think of what she had that was worthwhile. Tears filled her eyes as moments passed and she could think of nothing.
"Hey, this table looks nice. Mind if I join you?"
Looking up, Ren quickly swiped a hand over her face to wipe away a tear. She smiled upon seeing her brother. "Sit, Ryder."
"You're quite the talk of the lunchroom," he marveled, his mouth full of peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"I can imagine," she muttered flatly.
"Yeah, I violently wanted to beat the snot out of Caroline for the stuff she was saying. No one but me gets to call my sister a--"
"Ryder," she laughed. "I SAID I can IMAGINE, you don't have to repeat it back to me. What are you, a parrot?"
"I do like bright colours," he said contemplatively. "If I had to be a bird, I think I would like to be a parrot. Because then I could be flamboyant and nice looking and still swear at people. They also have big beaks so I could bite them too."
Giggling, she said, "I don't see how we're related."
"I heard about Chris," he said suddenly. "And I just wanted to ask--"
She interrupted, "I'm not gonna tell anyone you're gay just because you don't have blackmail on me anymore."
"No. I was gonna ask if you were okay."
Ren looked softly at her twin and wondered how someone as sweet as him could find it inside himself to be such a jerk to people. Ryder had a sensitive conscience and it was weird to think that he could be who he was and still have the ability to be a prick.
"I'm fine, Ryder." She smiled without happiness. "Thanks."
"You should still be friends with him," he told her. "He makes you happy and you're cool when you're happy."
Taking a drink from his milk, she said, "And you should be yourself more often because you're pretty fuckin great when it's just you."
He sighed, a smile on his face. Letting her lay her head down on his shoulder, he said, "I'm glad you're my seester."
"Seester? Are you Mexican now?"
"Yes, a Mexican parrot."
"I'm glad you're here right now, Ryder," she told him, on the verge of tears again. "I need someone."
"You're not okay, are you?" he asked knowingly.
She didn't even have the energy to shake her head. But by her silence, Ryder knew hat his sister was not okay.
"You're not thinking of doing anything stupid, right, Ren?" Concern masked the fear in his voice.
"I don't know."
"You'd kill me if you hurt yourself."
"I won't." She turned her face into his arm as tears began to flow in torrents. "I promise."
"Good, because I kinda love you and I'd be pissed at you if you decided to stop being around."
Sniffling, she murmured, "Don't tell anyone about this, okay?"
"Ren," he said firmly. "This is serious. I mean, right now you promise you won't hurt yourself, but…Fuck, you're suicidal, Ren. You've gotta talk to someone. It's not like putting a hole in the wall with a tricycle."
She snickered. "That was funny. And that was you that did it anyway. I was the one that helped you cover the hole with the dresser."
"Oh yeah…" He laughed. "That's not the point. You should talk to Mom, maybe. She might be able to get help for you."
"I don't want help, Ryder. I'll be okay."
"Right. You've got no friends, you've broken up with the guy you were like mentally nuts over, you think you're totally alone--"
"I know the story, dammit."
"But you missed something somewhere," he said, desperately wanting to reach her. "You are getting too overwhelmed in everything bad in your life to see the good that's worth living for."