Chapter 2

The importance of a soul

It didn't last long. The clarity. The shock of seeing her again brought the world back into focus for a short time, bringing temporary sanity to his mind. As his hold on the world crumbled, he tried to reach for the sound of her voice.

*There it is.* 

It was hushed, like it was coming from a distance, but none the less audible to his enhanced hearing. He grabbed on to it like a lifeline. It was soft and rich and seeped into his skin like an intangible warmth, grounding his thoughts and soothing his inner turmoil. How long has it been since he did something as simple as talking? And how long has it been since somebody actually listened? The thought only brought him more guilt. Like he deserved it. How long has it been since then? More than a century. His mind started screaming accusations at him again as the endless slide show of dead bodies continued in his mind's eye. Too many of them.

*Had it realty been that many?*

One century seemed too short a time for that much death at his hands. He looked down to examine them and was slightly surprised he didn't find them covered in dry blood. So much death. And he enjoyed it. God, did he enjoy it. Sometimes he could still taste the fear, feel the orgasmic taste of fresh blood running down his thought making him feel alive and strong, making him hard. He remembered the pleasure he received from the screams, from the pain and trembled. The fact he still didn't know wether it was from disgust or pleasure only added to his guilt. Wasn't this soul supposed to take care of that? Make him what she deserved, what she wanted? Make him somebody that wouldn't...  Make him a man.

*Can't do anything right you bloody wanker.*

He tried not to think at all and began to rock back and forth gently at first and then with more and more force. The screaming in his head stopped for a blissful moment before the constant nightmare he was living in for the last few weeks continued. At least his body was starting to go numb. He didn't want to feel anything, didn't want to remember.

*God, her face when she kicked me of.*

Didn't want to remember that, but couldn't help it. He heard a loud sound filling the space around him and tried to figure out where it was coming from. It didn't surprise him to learn the scream was coming from him.

"How's the undead English pacient? Not that I care."

Callie turned around and smiled warmly at the older man. Words could never describe how glad she was Blade found him when he did. She wasn't even aware how much she missed him until the moment he came back. When she spoke there was a genuine feeling behind her words. Of course, she never told him how much he meant to her, but he knew none the less. It could be felt in her every word and action.

"Course not. You're big with the vamp hatred. Got it."

The man started to fidget under her gaze. He cast nervous glances all around the room, opened his mouth to speak, changed his mind and closed them again. Callie couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. He looked down at her in irritation.

"And what's so funny missy?"

"Oh, this is priceless. Really.", she managed to choke out between giggles. He crossed his hands over his chest and tried his best to look intimidating.

"What is?"

"You... you're afraid of what Blade would say. Not kosher, caring about the undead. You're worried he'll give you a stern talking to."

For a moment he looked as if he was about to verminently deny all of it. Then he sagged against the counter and generally just looked defeated.

"So, is he gone?"

"You're safe Whistler. He went out an hour ago. Serum shopping."

Whistler shook his head. He couldn't help worrying about the both of them.

"Again? That's not good. You're both building up a resistance to the serum a lot faster then I expected. I don't like it."

Callie shrugged and put on her best 'I'm not worried about it' face. Of course, she was. She was terrified, but she felt no need to burden the old man with her fears.    

"It's not that important. We'll figure out something. We always do. You talk to Karen lately?"

"Yes. She's working on it. There's been some progress.", he granted.

"See, no big. You're just a big old pessimist."

"I object to the 'old' part. I'm in my prime"

"Right. In what parallel universe?"

"Hey!"

They smiled at each other,comforted by the exchange. Both of them sat down at the kitchen table and enjoyed the comfortable silence for a few moments. Whistler was the first to speak.

"So, how is he?"

It was her turn to look defeated. She leaned her forehead against the cool table surface and sighed heavily.

"I can't get anything out of him. He seemed fine when he woke up, but now? Downhill all the way. There's nothing wrong with him physically and it's not the blood lust. I fed him a gallon of the best stuff fifteen minutes ago. Emotionally, he's a wreck."

The old man seemed conflicted,but then caved in.

"Is there something I could do? I'm sure Blade will have a fit, but it's hard to be indifferent when that vampire's concerned."

"Yeah, Spike has that effect on people."

"I don't know why, but I feel the guy is different. Well, it's hard to hold on to the hatred after you see a video tape of him in a caraoke bar drunk out of his mind. On stage. Hilarious."

"That was definitely a night to remember. Perfect blackmail material.", Callie said and got up. She moved pass him to rinse one of the used mugs. As she watched the last of the blood drain down the sink she made up her mind.

"Whistler?"

"Yes?"

"I don't know how or why, but I think there is really something different about him now. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Spike got his soul back."

Callie turned her head slightly to gauge his reaction. He was siting in stunned silence. She was about to ask him to say something when she heard a scream coming from the room she left Spike in. She ran towards the sound.

He couldn't stop himself. The screaming just wouldn't stop.

"Spike, what is it? Spike stop it."

He heard a woman's voice and wondered who it belonged to. It wasn't her voice, but it sounded familiar and he trusted it. Couldn't make out the words though. He shook his head to clear it, but it didn't help. Then he felt a sharp pain across his cheek. It stung. He opened and closed his eyes a few times and managed to focus on the girl hovering above him. Wasn't his girl though.

*Never my girl.*

She slapped him again. And then again. It still didn't help. Finally she punched him hard enough to draw blood.

*That's my girl.*

He punched her back on reflex and felt the clarity return slowly. The world swam back into focus.

"Callie?"

He saw her nod her head at this. Yes, he remembered, she found him and brought him here. She talked to him and fed him a few minutes earlier. Felt like hours. No point for her to worry though.

"Sorry love. Didn't mean to scare you. I'm all better now."

"You're all better? You've got to be kidding me! People who are all better don't scream like that. Tell me how to help you."

He laughed bitterly at that.

"You want to help me? Bloody kill me then. I'm a monster you know. Evil, dead thing. Don't you know that? I'm nothing. Unless you want an itch scratched. Then ol' Spike's just the thing for the job. So save it. I'm not worth helping."

She was staring at him with confusion. That confusion then transformed into a growing certainty. 

*Great job pillock. She'll stop worrying any minute now.*

Her shaking fingers touched his cheek gently. There was a strange mix of wonder and sadness in her eyes as she searched his for something. Then he heard her whisper.

"I'm so sorry."

Spike turned away, feeling his own tears starting to fall again. She just didn't understand, did she? Why couldn't she see what a monster he was?

"Don't you know what I did? What I've been doing for the past 120 years? Do you know how many faces are in here? How many lives.", he said as he placed both of his hands on his temples. His eyes squised shut, but he could still feel her's on his face and knew he'd see nothing but compassion if he opened them. That scared him more then anything. Compassion was something he didn't deserve.

"I'm sorry Spike. I'm so sorry."

"No, no… Don't say that.", he shook his head again. He felt her hands reach for him, pulling him to her.

"Let me help. Please."

He fought her for a few seconds before sagging against her and allow himself to be comforted. He felt like he had to explain it to her. He repeated it over and over again.

"I hurt the girl. I hurt the girl. I hurt the girl..."

MANHATTAN - DAY

Leeann was not pleased with herself. Killing was one thing, but torture was where she usually drew the line. She looked at the shaking figure in the dark corner and felt a wave of nauseousness go through her. The disgust she felt was almost papable. Most of it was undoubtedly directed at Raquel and some even at that human whose name she still didn't know and didn't care to find out. What surprised her was the disgust she felt for herself. She blamed Frost for all of this. He got to her again and she had to lash out at somebody. The disgust would pass soon enough, that she was sure of, but the influence Deacon had on her... That was something to worry about. And that made her angry.

"Aren't you tired yet. You should get some sleep.", a drowsy voice said. Lee rolled over and faced Raquel. She was lying on her side,the satin sheet covering nothing of her at all. Her wet hair was tied loosely with just enough deep red colored strands falling out to frame her face. Lee was enraptured by the way her pale skin shone in the soft light, making her look almost translucent.

*Beautiful.*

Lee had known her for more then sixty years and counted her among her closest friends. Still, sometimes she got the feeling she didn't know her at all. She knew Raquel could be cruel, but last night she found out just how much of that cruelty she could stand. A lot. She guessed that meant she didn't know herself all that well either. Lee pushed the thought away. She was never one for self analysis. Her fingernails gently scraped the vampiress inner thigh and she smiled as she felt her shudder beneath her fingers. Without removing her hand, Lee pushed herself up on her elbow and looked down on her friends face.

"I can't sleep with that thing here. It's distracting."

Raquel stretched slowly and opened her eyes, her own hand reaching out to caress Lee's face.

"I can make you forget about that. Might even add to the fun."

Her hand fell from Lee's face and continued on a journey downwards. Leeann felt a surge of fresh lust go trough her even as she registered the week sounds coming from the dying man. He had to be half trough the change by now. She knew what Raqel had in mind for the soon to be ex-human. A whole new world of possibilities opened up when you tortured a vampire. It could last for months. Oh, he would die. Eventually. But, he would be begging for it by then. Lee still didn't know what the man had done to deserve this and doubted Raquel would ever tell her. She was very careful of her secrets.

*Why do I even care?*

She thought about it and decided not to bring it up. It wasn't her business. She smiled against Raquel's skin and inhaled deeply. Along with the lust and power that radiated from Raquel, her senses picked up the heady aroma of fear coming from the mortal. He was in a lot of pain. Lee didn't know why it bothered her that much. If anything, it should turn her on even more. On the other hand, she did hate to be unnecessarily cruel. Most of the time. She didn't allow herself to dwell on it, but she was starting to feel something that could only be described as guilt. She moved away from her lover and sat on the edge of the bead, her eyes fixed on the shaded figure.

"Listen, as much as I would like to continue this and I do, believe me, I'll have to take a rain check. I don't preform well with an audience."

She felt the bed shift and turned around to meet Raquel's eyes. The confused lust she found there almost made her change her mind.

"It never bothered you before."

"This is different. Honestly, I just can't concentrate with it whining all the time. It's annoying."

Raquel looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled. She leaned forward and started gently massaging Lee's shoulders.

"I can knock him out for a few hours. Would that make you feel better?"

"Then he'd wake up and start all over again.Why not kill him now and save us the trouble later. I mean, look at him. He would make a pitiful vampire. Not even worth torturing."

She felt the hands on her shoulders stop and tense and knew she said the wrong thing. Raquel's voice was carefully controlled.

"You suddenly feel sorry for him?"

"Now you're just being insulting.", Lee said with a grin, "Did I seem overwhelmed with grief and remorse last night?"

She felt Raquel's hands drop and then tighten around her waist.

"No. Just the opposite. Very... inventive. Sorry. My bad."

"All I'm saying is, he's not worth the trouble. You had a score to settle. Fine, it's settled. Let's move on."

She heard the bed springs groan as Raquel got up. She walked up to the man and lifted him by the hair. He resisted weakly before going perfectly still. She studied him carefully with an expression of complete disgust.

"You're right about one thing. He'd make a piss pour vampire. He'd probably break down in a day or two."

Lee got up herself and stood next to her. The chill she felt as she took Raquel other hand into her own didn't surprise her. Even after all these years her mind rejected the unnatural coldness of vampires, including her own. She spent the first twenty years trying to will herself not to desire the warmth she took for granted in her human life. It was what she missed most. As time went by the feeling diminished, faded, but didn't disappear entirely. Lee knew it never would. She noticed the man started shaking violently. She spoke suddenly, surprising herself.

"Why don't you get dressed. I'm going to take you somewhere."

Raquel looked at her and frowned.

"It's the middle of the day."

"I know. I have a surprise for you. A gift. You'll like it. I was planing to tell you later, but you look like you need some cheering up."

Leeann felt the mood change.

"Now go get us some clothes, dry your hair and I'll call Carl and tell him to get the car."

She drew her close and kissed her passionately.

"And after you see your surprise, we'll have some more of this kind of fun. Without the audience."

Raquel licked her lips and nodded.

"All right. Give me ten minutes."

"Sure. Before we go, what about that?.", she pointed at the shaking human.

Raquel shrugged and walked out of the room. A few seconds passed and then Lee heard her yell.

"I don't care. Kill him if you want. Just be sure to make it hurt."

Lee felt rather then saw the humans body go still. She looked into his eyes and was surprised to find gratitude there. It made her ask.

"What's your name?"

"John."

Lee nodded and touched the gapping wound on his cheek she herself put there only a few hours ago. She saw him nod. The sound of bones twisting and breaking filled the quiet room. A beat and then his body fell down on the floor, his neck snapped.

Lee looked thoughtful for a moment and then a slow smile appeared on her lips. She whispered.

"You're welcome John."

TBC...