Disclaimer: Spike and Buffy belong to the talented Joss Whedon. Also ME
and 20th Century Fox. I just use them my useless fun.
Title: "Stolen Glances"
Rating: G
Summary: Written in Spike's POV mid-season 7 when things between Buffy and Spike were still up in the air and strained.
Stolen Glances
I stood silently against the railing watching them. I watched as they spoke of things that no young person should ever know about. Friends and lovers, brought together and torn apart by evil, standing together like nothing ever happened. She's talking now and I'm listening to her, watching her body movements and her lips. She's so intense I have to look away. Not that it would matter any more; we're not apart of each other's lives like we used to be.
There used to be a time when I would kill just for a kind word from her, but now. Now, I would never even think about it. I take in a small breath as she tucks hair behind an ear. She's still beautiful and strong amidst all the chaos and pain. Her face pulls at my attention once more, giving in I look at her. She doesn't see me, doesn't acknowledge me. I am invisible to her now, no longer the one she runs to.
She looks my way for just a split second, but she's not looking at me. She's looking at one of the girls. One of many, yet all alone she stands tall and proud, facing impending doom once again. They don't see her like I do. They see her as strong and tough, their savior. I agree she is everything I just said, but they deny anything that will make them second- guess her ability. They are all in denial. I know she's scared. I can see it in her eyes, in the way she looks at them when they can't see her. The way she carries herself when she's alone.
The sadness and loneliness that is etched upon her face that she doesn't let anyone see. She doesn't let anyone in. She deals all by herself and I know one day it's going to be real cause of her death. I can feel tears stinging the back of the eyes as I think about her dying. I shake the thoughts from my head. Will she ever get a break? Will she ever get the chance to love someone and have them love her back? I hope I see this day come. I still wish that someday that person will be me, even though I don't deserve it.
She cries herself to sleep at night and it tears me apart that I can't hold her in my arms. I would wipe away all her tears and comfort her. She needs understanding. She needs to be told that she doesn't always have to be the strong one. I can be strong for her. I can let her off the hook for the night. She doesn't have to be brave with me. She doesn't have to tell me everything will be okay. If she could only see how strong she really is. If she could only see how much I truly loved her. How much I still love her.
She smiles and my world brightens just enough for me to forget what I've done. Then reality comes crashing down and I find myself staying in the shadows, careful not to tarnish her beautiful rays. I see her at night sitting alone, in the darkness, and my heart wants to reach out and touch her. To be a part of her world again like we were, even if were for just a moment. However, I know I can't. Even if she were to forgive me, I could never forgive myself. I could never hurt her again. I'd rather die first than cause her anymore pain.
She's ended her speech and walks up to the witch. She whispers something in her ear. This is my cue to go. The meeting is over and my presence is no longer needed, if it ever even was. I walk quietly through the group of young girls into the kitchen, paying no attention to what is being said by them. I stop at the top of the stairs, my hand resting on the side of the door as I turn and take one last look before descending down. She has her back to me. As if sensing my eyes upon her, she turns slightly and I can see something in her eyes. My heart would do a summersault if it were possible. Her hazel eyes shine as if they reflected the morning sun and I was a blossoming flower.
I cock my head to the side and stare into her eyes as if she were standing right in front of me. As if she were close enough to touch. Her expression softens and she smiles; something she rarely does these days. Sometimes I think she wants me to reach out to her and there are other times when I think she wishes I would just leave. Today, she looks pleased to have me around. I look away when a young girl accidentally bumps into me. I turn my attention away from her for a brief second to accept the girl's apology. When I turn back to her, she's no longer standing there. She's disappeared out into the night to save the world. Once again it happens, once again I suppress a tear-filled sigh.
As I finally descend down the stairs, I'm forced to remember the harsh reality of our strained relationship. I've come to realize that all we will ever share now are stolen glances.
The End
Title: "Stolen Glances"
Rating: G
Summary: Written in Spike's POV mid-season 7 when things between Buffy and Spike were still up in the air and strained.
Stolen Glances
I stood silently against the railing watching them. I watched as they spoke of things that no young person should ever know about. Friends and lovers, brought together and torn apart by evil, standing together like nothing ever happened. She's talking now and I'm listening to her, watching her body movements and her lips. She's so intense I have to look away. Not that it would matter any more; we're not apart of each other's lives like we used to be.
There used to be a time when I would kill just for a kind word from her, but now. Now, I would never even think about it. I take in a small breath as she tucks hair behind an ear. She's still beautiful and strong amidst all the chaos and pain. Her face pulls at my attention once more, giving in I look at her. She doesn't see me, doesn't acknowledge me. I am invisible to her now, no longer the one she runs to.
She looks my way for just a split second, but she's not looking at me. She's looking at one of the girls. One of many, yet all alone she stands tall and proud, facing impending doom once again. They don't see her like I do. They see her as strong and tough, their savior. I agree she is everything I just said, but they deny anything that will make them second- guess her ability. They are all in denial. I know she's scared. I can see it in her eyes, in the way she looks at them when they can't see her. The way she carries herself when she's alone.
The sadness and loneliness that is etched upon her face that she doesn't let anyone see. She doesn't let anyone in. She deals all by herself and I know one day it's going to be real cause of her death. I can feel tears stinging the back of the eyes as I think about her dying. I shake the thoughts from my head. Will she ever get a break? Will she ever get the chance to love someone and have them love her back? I hope I see this day come. I still wish that someday that person will be me, even though I don't deserve it.
She cries herself to sleep at night and it tears me apart that I can't hold her in my arms. I would wipe away all her tears and comfort her. She needs understanding. She needs to be told that she doesn't always have to be the strong one. I can be strong for her. I can let her off the hook for the night. She doesn't have to be brave with me. She doesn't have to tell me everything will be okay. If she could only see how strong she really is. If she could only see how much I truly loved her. How much I still love her.
She smiles and my world brightens just enough for me to forget what I've done. Then reality comes crashing down and I find myself staying in the shadows, careful not to tarnish her beautiful rays. I see her at night sitting alone, in the darkness, and my heart wants to reach out and touch her. To be a part of her world again like we were, even if were for just a moment. However, I know I can't. Even if she were to forgive me, I could never forgive myself. I could never hurt her again. I'd rather die first than cause her anymore pain.
She's ended her speech and walks up to the witch. She whispers something in her ear. This is my cue to go. The meeting is over and my presence is no longer needed, if it ever even was. I walk quietly through the group of young girls into the kitchen, paying no attention to what is being said by them. I stop at the top of the stairs, my hand resting on the side of the door as I turn and take one last look before descending down. She has her back to me. As if sensing my eyes upon her, she turns slightly and I can see something in her eyes. My heart would do a summersault if it were possible. Her hazel eyes shine as if they reflected the morning sun and I was a blossoming flower.
I cock my head to the side and stare into her eyes as if she were standing right in front of me. As if she were close enough to touch. Her expression softens and she smiles; something she rarely does these days. Sometimes I think she wants me to reach out to her and there are other times when I think she wishes I would just leave. Today, she looks pleased to have me around. I look away when a young girl accidentally bumps into me. I turn my attention away from her for a brief second to accept the girl's apology. When I turn back to her, she's no longer standing there. She's disappeared out into the night to save the world. Once again it happens, once again I suppress a tear-filled sigh.
As I finally descend down the stairs, I'm forced to remember the harsh reality of our strained relationship. I've come to realize that all we will ever share now are stolen glances.
The End