Into the Woods
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For your convenience and in case you forgot, here's the cast list. Don't worry I'm putting it at the binging of every scene.
Cast:
Narrators: Clear Shadow, Yume Tenshi, Sharpsnout and MereMew
Jack: Himura Kenshin
Baker: Miroku
Cinderella's Stepmother: Irvine
Lucinda: Moonbay
Little Red Ridinghood: Hibiki Miaka
Cinderella's Mother: Rudolf
Wolf: P-Chan
Rapunzel: Maxwell Duo
Cinderella's Prince: Raven
Milky White (Called Yahiko-White for the sake of humor): Yahiko
Cinderella: Lilli
Jack's Mother: Kamiya Karou
Baker's Wife: Chiyumi
Florinda: Fiona
Cinderella's Father: Dr. D
Witch: Maxwell Rina
Mysterious Man: Inuyasha
Granny: Mousse
Rapunzel's Prince: Hawk
Steward: Van
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Scene Four
Yume Tenshi: Two midnights gone. And the exhausted Baker and his wife buried the dead Yahiko-White, believing that when the witch said a cow as white as milk, she was referring to a live one.
Baker: You must go to the village in search of another cow.
Baker's Wife: And what am I supposed to use for payment?
Baker: ::Hands her a bean:: Here. Tell them it's magic. Tell them it's a holy bean.
Baker's Wife: No one but an idiot is going to exchange a cow for this bean.
Baker: ::Losing it:: Then steal it.
Baker's Wife: ::Angry:: Steal it?! Just to days ago you were accusing me of deceit in securing the first gods-damned cow!
Baker: Then don't steal it and resign yourself to a childless life.
Baker's Wife: I think it would be better if you got the cow. I've met a girl with golden slippers and I think I can get one.
Baker: Fine. That is simply fine. ::Chiyumi gathers her things and leaves. Miroku watches her for a moment then leaves as well::
::Duo screams, offstage::
Rapunzel: I what?
::You scream. Look I haven't asked for a lot from you.::
Rapunzel: A'ight. ::Screams::
Sharpsnout: Unfortunately for Rapunzel—
Rapunzel: ::Offstage:: No!
MereMew: —The Witch discovered her affections for the Prince before he could spirit her away.
Rapunzel: My what?
Witch: His what?
MereMew: His affections for the Prince.
Rapunzel, Witch: Ohhh…. Wait.
MereMew: Just get on with it.
::Rina drags Duo onstage and throws him on the ground::
Witch: WHAT DID I CLEARLY SAY?
CHILDREN MUST LISTEN.
::grabs Duo's hair, takes out scissors::
Rapunzel: No, no, please! Not my hair!!
Witch: WHAT WERE YOU NOT TO DO?
CHILDREN MUST SEE--
Rapunzel: No!
Witch: AND LEARN.
::Duo screams in protest::
WHY COULD YOU NOT OBEY?
CHILDREN SHOULD LISTEN.
WHAT HAVE I BEEN TO YOU?
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME BE?
HANDSOME LIKE A PRINCE?
::Duo whimpers::
AH, BUT I AM OLD.
I AM UGLY.
I EMBARRASS YOU.
Rapunzel: No!
Witch: YOU ARE ASHAMED OF ME.
Rapunzel: No!
Witch: YOU ARE ASHAMED.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
::music continues under::
Rapunzel: It was lonely atop that Gundam.
Witch: I was not company enough?
Rapunzel: I am no longer a child. I wish to see the world.
Witch: DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE IN THE WORLD?
SOMEONE HAS TO SHIELD YOU FROM THE WORLD.
STAY WITH ME.
PRINCES WAIT THERE IN THE WORLD IT'S TRUE.
PRINCES, YES, BUT WOLVES AND HUMANS TOO.
STAY AT HOME.
I AM HOME.
WHO OUT THERE COULD LOVE YOU MORE THAN I?
WHAT OUT THERE THAT I CANNOT SUPPLY?
STAY WITH ME.
STAY WITH ME.
THE WORLD IS DARK AND WILD.
STAY A CHILD WHILE YOU CAN BE A CHILD.
WITH ME.
Rapunzel: Awww, that was bootiful Rini.
Witch: Really?
Rapunzel: Oh yeah, real nice.
Witch: Thank you, that's sweet.
Rapunzel: ::Flaps hand at her::
Witch: I gave you protection and yet you disobeyed me.
Rapunzel: Nuh-uh!
Witch: Why didn't you tell me Hawk came by?
Rapunzel: I was all alone up there. You at least have Quatre.
Witch: I will not share you but I will show you a world you've never seen. ::Chops off Duo's hair::
Rapunzel: MY HAIR!!! I JUST PAID YOU A COMPLEMENT!!! YOU BACKSTABBER!! AND I CALL YOU MY SISTER!!!!
Witch: Sorry. I'll put it back after the play, I promise.
::Rina drags Duo offstage. Miroku enters with Inuyasha prowling behind him::
Mysterious Man: When is a white cow not a white cow?
Baker: Huh? How should I know? Leave me be!
Mysterious Man: Haven't I left you alone enough?
Baker: Your lines make no sense! Go away!
Mysterious Man: In need of another cow?
::Inuyasha throws the sack of gold at Miroku's head. Miroku whips around but sees no one, then picks up the gold and runs off::
::Miaka walks onstage wearing a cute little kimono and has what appears to be a P-Chan skin purse. She walks by Kenshin and he stops her::
Jack: What a beautiful cape! Er…Kimono and purse…
::Miaka swerves around, brandishing a knife::
Little Red Ridinghood: Stay away from my purse or I'll slice you into a thousand bits!
Jack: ::stepping back:: I don't want it, that I don't! I was just admiring it, that I was!
Little Red Ridinghood: ::Tone goes from psychotic to adorable:: My granny made it for me from a wolf that attacked us. And I got to skin the animal--and best of all, she gave me this beautiful knife for protection. ::Bends the knife blade:: It's bendy.
Jack: ::competitive:: Well, look what I have. A hen that lays golden eggs, that it does.
Little Red Ridinghood: ::suspicious:: I don't believe that egg came from that hen. Where did you get that egg?
Jack: I stole this from the kingdom of the giants—up there. And if you think this is something, you should see the golden harp the giant has. It plays the most beautiful tunes without you even having to touch it, that it does.
Little Red Ridinghood: ::smirking:: Of course it does. Why don't you go up to the kingdom right now and bring it back and show me?
Jack: I could.
Little Red Ridinghood: You could not!
Jack: I could!
Little Red Ridinghood: You could not, Mr. Liar! ::Leaves::
Jack: I am not a liar, that I'm not. I'll get that harp. You'll see! ::Leaves::
Clear Shadow: After having cast out Rapunzel to a remote desert, the Witch returned to take the Prince by surprise. And as he leapt from the tower…er Gundam, the thorns into which he fell pierced his eyes and blinded him. ::Hawk stumbles into the forest, completely bloody and blind. He teeters around drunkenly a bit then leaves:: Poor Hawk…Anyway, as for Cinderella, she returned from her final visit to the Festival.
::Lilli hobbles onstage, she's severely bedraggled and only has one shoe on::
Clear Shadow: As the author of this little fic I feel it is my place to inform you that the following song is not the real words to "Very Smart Prince" This is a song that Yume Tenshi and I started and Yume finished. We call it "Very Smart Chair" here you are. Enjoy.
Cinderella: Can I go now?
Clear Shadow: Yes. Go ahead.
Cinderella: IT'S A VERY SMART CHAIR,
IT'S A CHAIR WHO PREPARES.
KNOWING THIS TIME I'D SIT ON IT,
IT SPREAD TACKS ON ITSELF.
I WAS CAUGHT UNAWARES.
AND I THOUGHT: WELL, IT CARES—
THIS IS MORE THAN JUST MALICE.
BETTER STOP AND TAKE STOCK
WHILE YOU'RE SITTING HERE STUCK
ON THE CHAIR OF THE PALACE.
YOU THINK, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU THINK, MAKE A DECISION.
WHY NOT STAY AND BE CAUGHT?
YOU THINK, WELL, IT'S A THOUGHT,
WHAT WOULD BE ITS RESPONSE?
BUT THEN WHAT IF IT KNEW
WHO YOU WERE WHEN YOU KNOW
THAT YOU'RE NOT WHAT IT THINKS
THAT IT WANTS?
AND THEN WHAT IF YOU ARE
WHAT A CHAIR WOULD ENVISION?
ALTHOUGH HOW CAN YOU KNOW
WHO YOU ARE TILL YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH YOU DON'T?
SO THEN WHICH DO YOU PICK:
WHERE YOU'RE SAFE, OUT OF SIGHT,
AND YOURSELF, BUT WHERE EVERYTHING'S WRONG?
OR WHERE EVERYTHING'S RIGHT
AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU'LL NEVER BELONG?
AND WHICHEVER YOU PICK,
DO IT QUICK,
'CAUSE YOU'RE STARTING TO BLEED
ON THE CHAIR OF THE PALACE.
IT'S YOUR FIRST BIG DECISION,
THE CHOICE ISN'T EASY TO MAKE.
TO ARRIVE AT A BALL
IS EXCITING AND ALL—
ONCE YOU'RE THERE, THOUGH, IT'S SCARY.
AND IT'S FUN TO DECEIVE
WHEN YOU KNOW YOU CAN LEAVE,
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE WARY.
THERE'S A LOT THAT'S AT STAKE,
BUT YOU'VE STALLED LONG ENOUGH
'CAUSE YOU'RE STILL SITTING STUCK
ON THE TACKS ON THE CHAIR...
BETTER RUN ALONG HOME
AND AVOID THE COLLISION.
EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T CARE,
YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF THERE
WHERE THERE'S NOTHING TO CHOOSE,
SO THERE'S NOTHING TO LOSE.
SO YOU PRY UP YOUR SHOES.
THEN FROM OUT OF THE BLUE,
AND WITHOUT ANY GUIDE,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR DECISION IS,
WHICH IS NOT TO DECIDE.
YOU'LL JUST LEAVE IT A CLUE:
FOR EXAMPLE, A SHOE.
AND THEN SEE WHAT IT'LL DO.
NOW IT'S THE CHAIR AND NOT YOU
WHO IS STUCK WITH A SHOE,
IN A STEW,
IN THE GOO, AND YOU'VE LEARNED SOMETHING, TOO,
SOMETHING YOU NEVER KNEW,
ON THE CHAIR OF THE PALACE.
::Chiyumi races onstage::
Come any closer and you're dead! ::Whips out blade boomerangs::
Baker's Wife: Whoa! Just hear me out!
Cinderella: We have nothing to discuss. You already attacked me once before—
Baker's Wife: I didn't attack you. I attacked your shoe. I need it. ::Digs around up her sleeve and pulls out, two Shukusens, a Shippo plushie, a hairbrush—:: I know it's here somewhere…::—some food, a Swiss Army knife, P-Chan and the last bean:: Found it!
P-Chan: Bwee…. ::runs offstage::
Baker's Wife: Here. Here's a magic bean in exchange for it. ::Gives bean to Lilli::
Cinderella: Magic bean?!?
Baker's Wife: Yes…it's a Holy bean.
Cinderella: Give me a break! ::Throws bean away::
Baker's Wife: Hey! ::Begins looking for it.
Cinderella: I already gave up one shoe this evening, no way in Hell I'm giving up another one. ::Begins to leave::
Baker's Wife: ::Gets back up:: I need that shoe to have a child!
Cinderella: That doesn't make sense!
Baker's Wife: Does it make sense that you're running from a prince?
Cinderella: Have you met Raven when he's had to chase after me?
Steward: Stop!
Baker's Wife: Good point, here take my shoes, you'll run faster. ::Give Lilli her shoes and takes the slipper. Lilli runs off. Van rushes onstage and looks around::
Steward: Was that Lilli?
Baker's Wife: I'm sure I don't know, sir.
Steward: Lying will cost you your life!
Baker's Wife: And are you going to take it?
Steward: Er…no…
Baker's Wife: Well ok then.
::Miroku enters with Ceres, dressed as a cow::
Baker: I got a cow!
Ceres: How'd I get stuck with this part again?
Ryoga: ::Does the evil grin that all Hibiki do so well ^_^:: You splashed water on me so you get to be the new cow.
Ceres: ::Grumbles evilly::
Baker's Wife: ::sees the cow and is excited:: The slipper! We've all four! ::Runs to Miroku, Van steals the slipper from her::
Steward: I'll give this to the Prince and we'll search the kingdom for Lilli. ::Nods to himself:: Yep, I'm a genius.
Baker's Wife: ::Grabs the slipper:: It's mine! ::Chiyumi and Van begin a massive tug of war:: Gimme! I don't care if this costs me my life!
Mysterious Man: ::From up a tree:: Give her the slipper and all will—
:: Suddenly there's a cracking sound followed by a big ass thud. Everyone on stage freezes. There's a moment of stunned silence. Raven rushes onstage::
Cinderella's Prince: What was that noise?
Steward: Just a bolt of lightning in a far-off kingdom.
Cinderella's Prince: ::to Van:: How dare you go off in search without me!
Steward: My apologies, sir. I thought that I might--
Cinderella's Prince: Enough of what you thought you idiot! I employed a scam and had the entire staircase smeared with pitch. And there, when she bolted, was her shoe!
Steward: Brilliant!
Cinderella's Prince: I thought so. It did create quite a mess when the other guests left. ::Looks happy about the mess he made::
Mysterious Man: Give them the slipper and all will come to a happy end.
Steward: Who are you dog-boy?
Mysterious Man: I'm a demon you little slave boy.
Steward: Shut up!
Cinderella's Prince: Do as it says. It can obviously kick your ass slave boy.
Steward: I'M NOT A SLAVE BOY!!! ::Lets go of the slipper::
::There's a loud scream and Karou runs on stage, still screaming::
Jack's Mother: ::hysterical:: There's a dead giant in my backyard!!!! I heard Jack coming down the beanstalk, calling for his axe. And when he reached the bottom he took it and began hacking down the stalk. Suddenly, with a crash, the beanstalk fell, but there was no Jack! For all I know he's been crushed by the giant! ::Cries::
Cinderella's Prince: Yeah well that was his own fault for getting in the way now wasn't it? Come on slave boy, I need my rest before I can go find Lilli tomorrow.
Jack's Mother: Doesn't anyone care that a giant fell from the sky?
Narrators: NO!
::Rina appears::
Witch: The third midnight is near. I see a…Ceres?!?
Ceres: Shut up.
Witch: I see a cow. I see a slipper.
Baker: And the cape as red as blood.
Baker's Wife: And the hair as yellow as corn.
Witch: You've all the objects? ::Miroku crosses over to her, Rina's amazed::
Baker's Wife: Yes. ::Brings Ceres forward::
Witch: Wow, Ceres. Lose a bet?
Ceres: Shut up Rina.
Witch: ::Still chuckling:: That cow looks more lavender than white.
Ceres: Shut up Rina.
Baker's Wife: Oh she is! ::Pats Ceres on the head:: She is! ::White powder flies off of Ceres's head as Chiyumi pats her. Ceres sneezes::
Witch: You covered it with flour!
Baker: Well we had a cow as white as milk. Honestly.
Witch: Well then, where the hell is it?
Baker's Wife: We had to kill it for the good of the play.
Baker: We thought you'd prefer a live cow.
Witch: Of course I'd prefer a live cow you idiot! So bring me the dead cow and I'll bring it back to life!
Baker: You can do that?
Witch: Now! ::She waves her arm and a rabid woodchuck hits Miroku. Miroku and Chiyumi dash upstage and we can see the dirt fly as they dig up the cow::
Ceres: ::Stands up:: Um, I've been turned into a cow, can I go home now?
::Yes, you may go. Anyone else?::
All: No.
::Kenshin runs onstage with a golden harp::
Jack's Mother: There you are! ::Hits him:: I've been so worried!
Jack: Miss Karou look! The most beautiful harp! ::Hands over harp::
Jack's Mother: ::Pleased:: Shame on you! You've stolen too much!
Baker: ::Offstage:: Ever consider a diet Yahiko-White?
Yahiko-White: Shut up!
::Agitated, Rina walks over to the grave.::
Jack: What's happening?
Jack's Mother: Yahiko-White is dead but don't worry, that nice girl is bringing her back to life. ::Rina waves her hand and Yahiko-White stands up, very much alive. Chiyumi and Miroku bring him forward::
Jack: Yahiko-White! Now I have my friend back! And I'm rich, that I am!
Witch: Quiet you. Feed the objects to the cow.
Baker, Baker's Wife, Jack, Yahiko-White: What?
Witch: You heard me. Feed them to the damn cow.
Yahiko-White: Er…
Witch: You gonna argue?
Yahiko-White: No.
::Miroku begins to feed the objects to Yahiko-White as we hear the first chime of midnight::
Yahiko-White: Wow, better than Karou's cooking.
Jack's Mother: WHY YOU—
Witch: ::Pulls out a silver goblet from her cloak and hands it to Miroku:: Fill this.
Jack: I'll do it, ::Goes over to Yahiko-White:: She'll only milk for me. Squeeze pal.
Yahiko-White: Oh no, get away from me!!!
Clear Shadow: YAHIKO!
Yahiko-White: ::Winces::
::Kenshin milks feverishly…nothing. Rina goes over and grabs the goblet, looks inside then turned it upside down::
Witch: Wrong ingredients. Forget about a child.
Baker's Wife: Wait! We followed your instructions. One, the cow is as white as milk, correct?
Witch: Yes.
Baker's Wife: And two, the cape was certainly as red as blood.
Witch: Yes.
Baker's Wife: And three, the slipper--
Witch: Yes.
Baker: And four, I compared the hair with this ear of corn.
Baker's Wife: I pulled it from a maiden in a tower and—
Witch: YOU WHAT?! What were you doing there?
Baker's Wife: Well, I happened to be passing by—
Witch: I touched that hair! Don't you understand? I cannot have touched any of the ingredients!
Baker, Baker's Wife: ::moaning:: Nooooo...::Inuyasha hops out of his tree::
Mysterious Man: The corn!
Baker: What?
Mysterious Man: The silky corn hair moron. Pull it from the corn and feed it to the cow. Quickly! ::Miroku does so hurriedly::
Witch: This had better work Dog-boy, before the last stroke of midnight or your son will be the last of your flesh and blood.
Baker: Son?
Mysterious Man: Not now.
Baker's Wife: Hold up. Re-wind that please. If Inuyasha-kun is Miroku-san's father, and I'm his sister then doesn't that make me Miroku's Aunt?
Clear Shadow: It's just a play!
MereMew: Yeah don't be dense.
Clear Shadow: HEY!! NO ONE CALLS MY CHARACTERS DENSE BUT ME!!!!
MereMew: Sorry.
Witch: Anyway, meet your father. ::Moves to Yahiko-White::
Baker: Father?? I thought you died in a baking accident.
Mysterious Man: Yeah well ,what exactly is a baking accident?
Clear Shadow: See!! See my point?!
Yahiko-White: MOO!!!!
Baker's Wife: It's working!
Jack: She's milking that she is!
Yahiko-White: This is so embarrassing…
Baker: I don't understand.
Mysterious Man: No now idiot! Into the cup!
Baker's Wife: ::Hold cup under Yahiko-white's udder::
Yahiko-White: It's not an udder!! I don't have an udder!!
::Kenshin continues to milk, when the goblet is full Rina takes it and drinks::
Baker: We've given you what you wish.
Baker's Wife: Now when can we expect a child?
::She turns away from them all and begins to tremble. Smoke surrounds her::
Baker: What's wrong? What's happening?
Baker's Wife: Wait. Where are you going?
::We hear the last stroke of midnight.::
Mysterious Man: ::Falls to ground as if by subduing:: Son! Son!
Baker: ::Goes to Inuyasha's side:: Father! Father!
Baker's Wife: Inuyasha-kun!!
Mysterious Man: All is fixed. ::Dies::
Baker: He's dead!!!!! ::Cries::
::Rina turns around. She's back to her beautiful self and has a chocker with a heart shaped pendant on it::
END OF SCENE FOUR
Ryoga: Yay!
Yume Tenshi: Meow?