Chapter Five: Proof of Slashability
So it was that eventually Arwen discovered her new hairstyle, eyebrows (or lack thereof), outfit, shoes, eyecolour, skincolour and teeth. To be exact: The missing strip of hair running from mid-forehead to neck, her lack of eyebrows, orange, green and purple dress, soleless shoes (resulting in her making Aragorn carry her everywhere), green and orange eyes, bright orange skin and electric-blue teeth. All in all Arwen looked like a rotting orange with two wisps of brown fuzz coming out the top. It was a really off-putting site to say the least, specially for the bridegroom to be.
"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT HER UP!" Another of Legolas's brothers finally shouted, having had enough of Arwens moaning and wining about his brother and her life in general. To say that the group was wanting to kill said elf was like saying Rohan was a grassy place for horses (OK so it was but it's REALLY big and REALLY horsey).
So far Elrond's tiara was bent and twisted, his robes were missing parts in explicit areas and he was missing a patch of, now green hair, at the back of his head. Thranduil's hair was now entirely gone and the rest of his sons had varying shades of hair or skin or both. They seemed to have escaped pretty unscathed but, then again, they had dealt with little Legolas before. The hobbits had had all their foot hair removed and sported badly applied make-up. The dwarf and old geezer (who had woken to the sound of evil, as in eviller than Sauron, laughter.) now wore…woman's lingerie…and caused even the ghost of Boromir to be vigorously ill.
Not being able to spot the little dem…critter, they decided to rest, knowing it may be along time till they could again. With a loud groan and not a few cracking and popping sounds, Aragorn put down Arwen. OK, so he just up and dropped the female thing. Collapsing to his backside he took some deep breaths and started to massage his stiff and sore muscles.
Meanwhile, Arwen was busy having a cow…well not literally, that would be just plain gross, but she was bitching and wining to her daddy. Who, at that moment, was wondering if it would be considered self-defence if he tied her to a tree and left her to Legolas's mercy. Which, Elrond noticed, he did not have much for her. In fact the only one not to suffer too harshly from the little bugger was Estel. In fact the ranger had only been 'pranked', if Legolas's acts could be called that, twice. The tiny blond terror had bitten his ankles and had, while the man walked under an overhanging tree, doused Aragorn in shampoo and then water and then repeated his actions. Though he did substitute the shampoo for conditioner. Idly the ruler of Imladris noted that Aragorn had not smelt as fresh as he now did since he became a ranger.
Just then the now 'Rose and Daffodils' scented ranger let out a yelp. All turned to face him as he jumped up and glared down at the area he had just vacated. His eyes, however soon became ten times their normal size and he started to tremble, as the sound of laughter filled the area. The others started to tremble or cry or both. The laughter was not a nice one, in fact it was decidedly evil, the pinnacle of evil, the epitome of evil, the…
Suddenly, the author…esses appear in a cloud of electric blue mist (?) to the sound of Avril Lavigne's 'With You'.
Az: (pouting and frowning) That last part doesn't make sense BB.
BB: (Looks up from mocha and notices where they actually are) Why?
Az: I don't even believe in 'evil'.
BB: (Groans) Not the whole 'Lady Macbeth is not an evil witch' bit again!
Az: No, seriously, BB, how can I write Legolas as an 'evil' thing when I don't believe in 'evil'? I mean I would be contradicting myself if I did. This could cause me moral problems. I might *gasp* start to not think for myself! I may become one with the herd of misconstrued fools that follow as one the word of the teacher, without thought, without question…without unanswerable questions, BB! (Starts to freak)
BB: (shrugs and gives Az a hug, when the blond freezes up, as usual and as planned, and stares at the brunette with big, afraid eyes, BB lets go) Az, are you still ok with me being BI?
Az: (nods)
BB: Do you still believe that Malfoy and Harry are meant to be together and Snape is a fucking sex-god?
Az: (nods vigorously)
BB: Do you still love Slytherin and despise Dumbledoor and the Griffs? Is life still fucked? Are boys, or girls, so not a reason for living? Is sex still 'Icky!'? Do you still think Hannibal Lector is a great role model? Do you still love Orly and Viggo, even though you find their slashability irresistible, and yet still love Sean Bean, even though he is not slashable? Do you still think that Tom Felton is bishi, even though he is like a year younger than you, and hope he keeps on playing Malfoy to the characters 7th year, cause he is the only kid in the whole movie that can act? Do you still hate birds, hormones, hormonal teenagers, the colour pink, Christmas, Valentines Day, bible-thumpers and children under 12?
Az: (nods so hard it seems her head may detach itself)
BB: (Smiles at Az) Then you have nothing to worry 'bout.
Az: (Gives the very rare Azurian star-like smile) Thanks, BB! (Gives the taller brunette a peck on the cheek)
BB: (blushes even though only Az can see it under her tan) And you're s'posed to be the straight one!
Az: Oh, shove it. (Back to her unusual quirky yet morally ambiguous self, snaps her fingers)
They disappear in a cloud of Slytherin green mist (?) to the sound of 'My Plague' by Slipknot.
The middle-earthians blink. "You know…never mind, I don't really want to know." Sam mutters. "Maybe they 'ave a ring o' power or sumtin." Pippin says. At the mentions of the ring Frodo starts to spaz.
What's up with Frodo? Why is Aragorn left unpranked? Will someone ever shut Arwen up? Find out in the next chapter: A Little Girl Called Ellenore
So it was that eventually Arwen discovered her new hairstyle, eyebrows (or lack thereof), outfit, shoes, eyecolour, skincolour and teeth. To be exact: The missing strip of hair running from mid-forehead to neck, her lack of eyebrows, orange, green and purple dress, soleless shoes (resulting in her making Aragorn carry her everywhere), green and orange eyes, bright orange skin and electric-blue teeth. All in all Arwen looked like a rotting orange with two wisps of brown fuzz coming out the top. It was a really off-putting site to say the least, specially for the bridegroom to be.
"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT HER UP!" Another of Legolas's brothers finally shouted, having had enough of Arwens moaning and wining about his brother and her life in general. To say that the group was wanting to kill said elf was like saying Rohan was a grassy place for horses (OK so it was but it's REALLY big and REALLY horsey).
So far Elrond's tiara was bent and twisted, his robes were missing parts in explicit areas and he was missing a patch of, now green hair, at the back of his head. Thranduil's hair was now entirely gone and the rest of his sons had varying shades of hair or skin or both. They seemed to have escaped pretty unscathed but, then again, they had dealt with little Legolas before. The hobbits had had all their foot hair removed and sported badly applied make-up. The dwarf and old geezer (who had woken to the sound of evil, as in eviller than Sauron, laughter.) now wore…woman's lingerie…and caused even the ghost of Boromir to be vigorously ill.
Not being able to spot the little dem…critter, they decided to rest, knowing it may be along time till they could again. With a loud groan and not a few cracking and popping sounds, Aragorn put down Arwen. OK, so he just up and dropped the female thing. Collapsing to his backside he took some deep breaths and started to massage his stiff and sore muscles.
Meanwhile, Arwen was busy having a cow…well not literally, that would be just plain gross, but she was bitching and wining to her daddy. Who, at that moment, was wondering if it would be considered self-defence if he tied her to a tree and left her to Legolas's mercy. Which, Elrond noticed, he did not have much for her. In fact the only one not to suffer too harshly from the little bugger was Estel. In fact the ranger had only been 'pranked', if Legolas's acts could be called that, twice. The tiny blond terror had bitten his ankles and had, while the man walked under an overhanging tree, doused Aragorn in shampoo and then water and then repeated his actions. Though he did substitute the shampoo for conditioner. Idly the ruler of Imladris noted that Aragorn had not smelt as fresh as he now did since he became a ranger.
Just then the now 'Rose and Daffodils' scented ranger let out a yelp. All turned to face him as he jumped up and glared down at the area he had just vacated. His eyes, however soon became ten times their normal size and he started to tremble, as the sound of laughter filled the area. The others started to tremble or cry or both. The laughter was not a nice one, in fact it was decidedly evil, the pinnacle of evil, the epitome of evil, the…
Suddenly, the author…esses appear in a cloud of electric blue mist (?) to the sound of Avril Lavigne's 'With You'.
Az: (pouting and frowning) That last part doesn't make sense BB.
BB: (Looks up from mocha and notices where they actually are) Why?
Az: I don't even believe in 'evil'.
BB: (Groans) Not the whole 'Lady Macbeth is not an evil witch' bit again!
Az: No, seriously, BB, how can I write Legolas as an 'evil' thing when I don't believe in 'evil'? I mean I would be contradicting myself if I did. This could cause me moral problems. I might *gasp* start to not think for myself! I may become one with the herd of misconstrued fools that follow as one the word of the teacher, without thought, without question…without unanswerable questions, BB! (Starts to freak)
BB: (shrugs and gives Az a hug, when the blond freezes up, as usual and as planned, and stares at the brunette with big, afraid eyes, BB lets go) Az, are you still ok with me being BI?
Az: (nods)
BB: Do you still believe that Malfoy and Harry are meant to be together and Snape is a fucking sex-god?
Az: (nods vigorously)
BB: Do you still love Slytherin and despise Dumbledoor and the Griffs? Is life still fucked? Are boys, or girls, so not a reason for living? Is sex still 'Icky!'? Do you still think Hannibal Lector is a great role model? Do you still love Orly and Viggo, even though you find their slashability irresistible, and yet still love Sean Bean, even though he is not slashable? Do you still think that Tom Felton is bishi, even though he is like a year younger than you, and hope he keeps on playing Malfoy to the characters 7th year, cause he is the only kid in the whole movie that can act? Do you still hate birds, hormones, hormonal teenagers, the colour pink, Christmas, Valentines Day, bible-thumpers and children under 12?
Az: (nods so hard it seems her head may detach itself)
BB: (Smiles at Az) Then you have nothing to worry 'bout.
Az: (Gives the very rare Azurian star-like smile) Thanks, BB! (Gives the taller brunette a peck on the cheek)
BB: (blushes even though only Az can see it under her tan) And you're s'posed to be the straight one!
Az: Oh, shove it. (Back to her unusual quirky yet morally ambiguous self, snaps her fingers)
They disappear in a cloud of Slytherin green mist (?) to the sound of 'My Plague' by Slipknot.
The middle-earthians blink. "You know…never mind, I don't really want to know." Sam mutters. "Maybe they 'ave a ring o' power or sumtin." Pippin says. At the mentions of the ring Frodo starts to spaz.
What's up with Frodo? Why is Aragorn left unpranked? Will someone ever shut Arwen up? Find out in the next chapter: A Little Girl Called Ellenore