7th Heaven
"Dealing with the Death of a Loved One"
(REVEREND & ANNIE are laying in bed together in the early morning making out)
ERIC: Last night was wonderful.
ANNIE: Shut up sex drone and pleasure me.
ERIC: (meekly) Yes ma'am.
(a knock sounds at the door)
ANNIE: (muttering) Oh those stupid little…
(MATT enters)
ANNIE: My beautiful darling! Good morning!
ERIC: Yes, good morning Matt, our eldest son who can't keep a job. How are you?
MATT: (sigh)I wish Heather was here. (pause) Or Shana, or Amanda, or Amy…
[making up names here in case you were wondering, not that big of a geek]
(SIMON & RUTHIE burst in)
ANNIE: Look, it's our youngest children, Simon and Ruthie!
ERIC: Wait, what happened to the twins.
ANNIE: Remember, we put them up for adoption for my… twenty-fifth birthday present.
ERIC: Don't you mean f—
(ANNIE slaps him)
MATT: …or Nicole, or Jacky, or…
SIMON: Mother, father, tell Ruthie to keep her stuffed animals off my bed! I'm too cool for that!
RUTHIE: You wish you were cool Simon! (everyone smiles merrily. Ruthie puts hand on her hips and tilts her head knowingly) Mommy, daddy, you've been having SEX haven't you?????? Heeheeheehee!
EVERYONE: Oh how adorable!
(A knock on the door. MARY enters. REV sighs and shakes his head.)
ERIC: Hello Mary, our eldest but troubled daughter.
ANNIE: Mary you're my favorite daughter! Here's a $100!
MATT: …or that girl with the dike hair cute…
(LUCY enters)
LUCY: But Mary's a trouble maker! Why does everyone like her more than me?
ANNIE: Silence whelp! Mary is our prodigal dau—
ERIC: Hush! No Biblical terms please.
MATT: Besides, everyone knows Ruthie is the favorite daughter.
RUTHIE: Technically Matt is correct. Even before I was concieved I was regarded as the favorite daughter of the family.
MATT: (laughs) You're so right Ruthie! Isn't she cute?
EVERYONE: AWWWWWWWWWW
ERIC: Now all five of our children are here.
ANNIE: Yes, here is all five of my children.
RUTHIE: Geez, subtle our parents aint.
EVERYONE: Oh you're so precocious!
(Suddenly Ruthie dies)
MARY: Awwww—wait! (peers at Ruthie) Is some… wr… (shakes her head) never mind. I'm going to make out with someone in front of the family.
(Pulls a "hot" [which in 7th Heaven terms means ugly or gay looking] hunk out of the closet and begins making out with him.)
ERIC: (wincing) Mary… Mary, please… don't…
MARY: But you and mom do it in front of everyone!
ANNIE: She's right hunny, Mary, you go right ahead.
SIMON: Wait everyone, I think something's wrong with Ruthie! She's stopped making witty, precocious remarks!
ANNIE: Leave her alone! Maybe she's just TIRED!! (snarls at everyone)
LUCY: No, actually I think she's… she's DEAD!
SIMON: No! We can fix her! I'll use my untold millions I've earned playing the stock market.
ERIC: Actually I'll just call Srg. Michaels.
THE KIDS: Good old Srg. Michaels!
(REV picks up the phone. Cut to Michaels)
MIKE: Hello?
ERIC: Ruthie's dead, get over here right away!
(they hang up)
ERIC: Srg. Michaels is on his way.
SIMON: Just a minute. Didn't Ruthie steal my Red lightning ring?
MATT: Hey… yeah… and didn't she hide my girlfriend's letters from me?
LUCY: And isn't she just an all around pain?
MARY: On second thought, I'm glad Ruthie's gone.
MATT: Me too.
ANNIE: (muttering) One less brat to not worry about.
ERIC: Hunny, do you feel the same way as the kids?
ANNIE: I love my children!!! I'm a mother!!!!
(pause)
ERIC: Be that as it may…
ANNIE: Yeah, we can just… have… another one. (winks suggestively)
ERIC: Er… uh… ahem. Well kids, what important lesson have we learned from this?
SIMON: There is no God?
ERIC: Well I guess.
THE END