Welcome to Redneck Country
"Damn. Middle Earth gets boring after a while" Aragorn muttered to Pippin.
"Shut your moaning. There's some great mushrooms down here!" Pippin was desperately rooting around through the bushes near Bag End.
"Life was more exciting with evil to fight."
Aragorn sighed, and decided it was time to go back to Frodo's memorial and sulk-royally. He was now royalty, after all. And life WAS boring. All possible definite evil had been destroyed, and all that was left were morons. There was nothing worse than medieval morons.
"Ow!!!! Hey, where are my mushrooms??" Aragorn heard Pippin through his headache.
"FRODO!!!" Yelled a hobbit voice that seemed to be Sam's. But Frodo? Frodo was wandering around in the Gray Mists with Elrond and everyone else. Things were getting very confusing.
"Pippin, what the hell did you say? I was enjoying myself with Gandalf and Galadriel and someone knocked us into another plane of existence* here." That was Frodo
"Why do you always assume it's me? It was Aragorn this time, I think."
"Aragorn!"
"Sorry." he felt something hard, and hobbit-fist like beating against his leg.
"Billy, these ain't your children, ain't they?" Hey, that didn't sound like anyone he knew. He finally managed to open his eyes to see a short, fat man with a long beard carrying a beer and a pitchfork.
"I do believe," began Gandalf, "that these are a race of men known as rednecks. Usually rather harmless, but they can form some nasty lynch mobs." The redneck stared at them. Aragorn looked around to see who had arrived with him: Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Arwen, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Sauron, Sauroman, and Boromir. This was going to be one hell of a day. And night, if they were still here.
"Ya'll want some chew?" He looked Legolas and Arwen.
"Do ya'll want a doctor for them ears?"
"I don't like this creep." Muttered Legolas
"Tell Aragorn and Boromir to deal with them, they're their people." Arwen interjected, although the author had no plans to make her speak at this time. She had apparently decided that since Mr. Tolkein was OBVIOUSLY a chauvinist bastard for not giving her a big enough part, she would just have to make her own this time (the people at New Line had tried, but had only given her a measly half hour of screen time per movie). About then, 'Billy' arrived.
"No, Don, these ain't my children. Maybe they's the Robinson's."
(A/N: I myself have had only minimal experience with rednecks. If you have your own harrowing tales, please feel free to share them in a review)
* * *
The members of Middle Earth were escorted into town, where they checked into a block of rooms at the Old Ebitt Motel. Sauroman immediately went into Sauron's room to formulate their next plan which would undoubtedly include some piece of depressing jewelry. After a few hours, Sauron presented the rest of them with the One Hairclip of Procrastination, but without motivation, the Fellowship decided to leave the destroying of that to another day.
That was about it. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo decided to explore the town. That took about half an hour. There were eleven rednecks at the fishpond furiously whispering at each other to be quiet so they wouldn't scare the fish away. Twelve more were busy building the stage for the annual Corn Shucking Festival, and the rest were at home farming, knitting, or preparing the noon meal. Merry was ready to sign up to participate in the festival, but the other three eventually coaxed him out of it with a trip to the saloon.
"Frodo, get your head out of the God-damned book," Sam forcefully told him. Frodo jumped like he had been hit, and glared at Sam.
"I'm doing important research. There's something wrong with redneck country. All of these people are not true rednecks. Somehow, characteristics of trailer trash, hillbillies, and rednecks have all gotten mixed together. It's not a purely redneck Redneck Country."
"Why do we care?" asked Merry.
"I don't know," answered Frodo, "But it seemed rather important at the time." About that time, they reached the edge of the town, which was surrounded by a dilapidated fence, and adorned with a lonely looking sign that read: WELCOME TO REDNECK COUNTRY. THIS TOWN IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY LENDER. REDNECKS, TRAILOR TRASH, AND REDNECKS WELCOME. THE REST OF YOU BETTER GIT OUT FAST BEFORE WE GET OUR SHOTGUNS, DURNIT.
"Well, that explains it," remarked Pippin in the silence that followed.
* * *
*Another Plane of Existence: A very groovy way of saying that things aren't where they were before.
A/N: This takes care of the first chapter. The second chapter will be up soon, and includes Don the Eloquent Redneck, a bad pun, and a law restricting the number of epic quests per lifetime.
"Damn. Middle Earth gets boring after a while" Aragorn muttered to Pippin.
"Shut your moaning. There's some great mushrooms down here!" Pippin was desperately rooting around through the bushes near Bag End.
"Life was more exciting with evil to fight."
Aragorn sighed, and decided it was time to go back to Frodo's memorial and sulk-royally. He was now royalty, after all. And life WAS boring. All possible definite evil had been destroyed, and all that was left were morons. There was nothing worse than medieval morons.
"Ow!!!! Hey, where are my mushrooms??" Aragorn heard Pippin through his headache.
"FRODO!!!" Yelled a hobbit voice that seemed to be Sam's. But Frodo? Frodo was wandering around in the Gray Mists with Elrond and everyone else. Things were getting very confusing.
"Pippin, what the hell did you say? I was enjoying myself with Gandalf and Galadriel and someone knocked us into another plane of existence* here." That was Frodo
"Why do you always assume it's me? It was Aragorn this time, I think."
"Aragorn!"
"Sorry." he felt something hard, and hobbit-fist like beating against his leg.
"Billy, these ain't your children, ain't they?" Hey, that didn't sound like anyone he knew. He finally managed to open his eyes to see a short, fat man with a long beard carrying a beer and a pitchfork.
"I do believe," began Gandalf, "that these are a race of men known as rednecks. Usually rather harmless, but they can form some nasty lynch mobs." The redneck stared at them. Aragorn looked around to see who had arrived with him: Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Arwen, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Sauron, Sauroman, and Boromir. This was going to be one hell of a day. And night, if they were still here.
"Ya'll want some chew?" He looked Legolas and Arwen.
"Do ya'll want a doctor for them ears?"
"I don't like this creep." Muttered Legolas
"Tell Aragorn and Boromir to deal with them, they're their people." Arwen interjected, although the author had no plans to make her speak at this time. She had apparently decided that since Mr. Tolkein was OBVIOUSLY a chauvinist bastard for not giving her a big enough part, she would just have to make her own this time (the people at New Line had tried, but had only given her a measly half hour of screen time per movie). About then, 'Billy' arrived.
"No, Don, these ain't my children. Maybe they's the Robinson's."
(A/N: I myself have had only minimal experience with rednecks. If you have your own harrowing tales, please feel free to share them in a review)
* * *
The members of Middle Earth were escorted into town, where they checked into a block of rooms at the Old Ebitt Motel. Sauroman immediately went into Sauron's room to formulate their next plan which would undoubtedly include some piece of depressing jewelry. After a few hours, Sauron presented the rest of them with the One Hairclip of Procrastination, but without motivation, the Fellowship decided to leave the destroying of that to another day.
That was about it. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo decided to explore the town. That took about half an hour. There were eleven rednecks at the fishpond furiously whispering at each other to be quiet so they wouldn't scare the fish away. Twelve more were busy building the stage for the annual Corn Shucking Festival, and the rest were at home farming, knitting, or preparing the noon meal. Merry was ready to sign up to participate in the festival, but the other three eventually coaxed him out of it with a trip to the saloon.
"Frodo, get your head out of the God-damned book," Sam forcefully told him. Frodo jumped like he had been hit, and glared at Sam.
"I'm doing important research. There's something wrong with redneck country. All of these people are not true rednecks. Somehow, characteristics of trailer trash, hillbillies, and rednecks have all gotten mixed together. It's not a purely redneck Redneck Country."
"Why do we care?" asked Merry.
"I don't know," answered Frodo, "But it seemed rather important at the time." About that time, they reached the edge of the town, which was surrounded by a dilapidated fence, and adorned with a lonely looking sign that read: WELCOME TO REDNECK COUNTRY. THIS TOWN IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY LENDER. REDNECKS, TRAILOR TRASH, AND REDNECKS WELCOME. THE REST OF YOU BETTER GIT OUT FAST BEFORE WE GET OUR SHOTGUNS, DURNIT.
"Well, that explains it," remarked Pippin in the silence that followed.
* * *
*Another Plane of Existence: A very groovy way of saying that things aren't where they were before.
A/N: This takes care of the first chapter. The second chapter will be up soon, and includes Don the Eloquent Redneck, a bad pun, and a law restricting the number of epic quests per lifetime.