Disclaimer: For those of you who may be unaware, I am NOT Tolkien. I repeat, I am NOT Tolkien. I know this may be a shock for some of you, but do keep in mind that the plot is, however, mine. *Giggles at her pathetic sarcasm.*

A/N: Wowie, I'm proud of myself. I already got one review! Thank you, reviewer!! I actually thought that first chapter was kinda cheesy, but hopefully you likes it all the same. J Erm, like I said, this story is really going to skip around a bit. I think I figured out how I'll do it too. Major events and places will still be here, but I'm cutting out the journey's to these places. I figured it'd probably be too awkward. *Even though I was planning on having them all ride horses, except for the hobbits and Gimli, who were to ride… DONKIES!* Heh, oh well. Oh, one more thing that I figured I ought to tell you. In my version, they DO have guns. In fact, Sting is now a little revolver that glows when Orcs are near. Besides, whats a good western without any guns? Don't worry, I'll make it work! Enjoy!

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That night at the … "ho-down"… hobbits were getting drunk and passing out left and right, as the hobbit custom. However, to Bilbo's dislike, some were sitting around small little hobbit tables playing poker and when one hobbit pissed off another hobbit, they would smash little hobbit chairs over each others curly little hobbit heads.

"Stop… oh no. STOP THAT!" Bilbo shrieked and trotted over to two Boffins who were now going at it over a Full House. "Put those down!! Those chairs were…" *smash …crack* "… my parents."

Bilbo threw up his arms in disgust as he turned and gave up. 'I got to do this. It's now or never' he thought to himself. He walked over near what some hobbits called the "Party" tree and clambered up on top of a pile of hay.

"Hello, I hope you are all enjoying the par…" Bilbo started but was soon interrupted by a bunch of walloping Tooks over near the bar having a chugging/belching contest.

"Oh screw it." said Bilbo. He then slipped on the Ring. To his pleasant surprise, he heard more people gasp than what he expected. He watched in amusement as his family scrambled over the ground, drunkly, looking for him. He smirked to himself and began to walk down from atop the hay when he lost his footing and fell to his little hobbit butt. He could feel his cheeks growing hot, but he reminded him that no one could see him. Even though that was the truth, he still looked around a bit self-consciously to ensure himself. He spotted Gandalf who seemed to be staring right at him. 'I must have made quite a thump when I landed for him to hear me.' Thought Bilbo.

He bounced right up to his feet and scattled (like my new word?) back to his little Hobbit hole before anyone would accidentally run into him.

Once in his home, he began to pack his belongings. 'Screw the Shire. I'm going to Rivendell where they all still act normal.'

Just as he turned to pack some ginger snaps, he ran into Gandalf.

"Oh, goodness, Gandalf, don't do that." he said as he went on for his snaps. Gandalf let out a hearty laugh.

"You know," he began. "you really shouldn't do that to drunk hobbits."

Bilbo looked up at him and smiled.

"They're still down there looking for you, but they keep calling you Dildo."

Bilbo quit smiling. "Now do you see why I'm leaving?"

Gandalf took a seat in the corner and watched the one sober hobbit in Hobbiton scuttle around.

"I can't put up with this anymore. All the folk here anymore are either constantly drunk or are doing showdowns in their front yards and shooting one another in the leg. They've lost all common sense, Gandalf. They're raging lunatics. I'm going where I can find more sense in the World. More quiet. I'd like to finish my book, but I don't want the end to involve hobbits blowing each other up to pieces."

At this, Gandalf let an enormous laugh out.

"You, of all people, should be laughing the least." said Bilbo. "What is so funny?"

"You, my dear friend, are just to high-strung. This isn't as big a deal as you may think."

"Well, you should talk. Look at you!" argued Bilbo. "You've changed too!"

"Bilbo, has it ever occurred to you that you are the only one who has NOT changed?"

When the wizard looked at the speechless face on Bilbo, he smirked and whipped out his pipe and lit it.

"Well…" said poor little Bilbo. "You're going to get lung cancer."

"Only after you will. You smoke more than I do."

Bilbo was, once again, speechless.

"Fine." he finally said. "Well, I'm leaving now…" he said as he began to inch towards the door. "I'm leaving everything to Frodo. I still depend on him not to give up Bag End to the Sackville-Bagginses."

"And what about this ring?" asked Gandalf, now rising. It might have been just Bilbo, but Gandalf looked pretty threatening just then. He had his cane raised as if he could strike Bilbo.

"Um, erm, … yes." said Bilbo after a hesitant pause. He then, reluctantly, took off the ring and gave it one last look. Then he cast it aside and darted out the door before the wizard could do anything "to" him, without looking back.

Gandalf rushed to the door where the hobbit disappeared and saw him still scampering down the path.

"You forgot this!" yelled Gandalf after him. Bilbo stopped and turned his head just in time to see his pack hit him.

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Ok. Next chapter Frodo comes and learns the history of the Ring. Don't worry, I won't make you read it all again. You'll see. Now… REVIEW! Pweeze!