"Follow the spiders. follow the spiders. why couldn't we just follow the
butterflies?!"
--Ron Weasley
Chapter 7: Fruitless Turkey-day Thoughts
Hello peeps! Mamma Monnie is back. heh. anyways the only things I'm going to post today are some very wise reasons, or methods to diss two characters that are much alike in their, er, own ways:
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!!!! (what, you mean Voldie-poo?)
And
OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!! (what, you mean that hairy man who is hiding Voldie-poo inside his turban like Quirrel once did?)
Yes, I do mean those two cracker-heads. I found these 100 ways to diss these two lunatics on the internet. The one of my brother, Tom M. Riddle I found at mugglenet.com because they are very great, wise, big, and crazy, like me *cough*. And the Hairy-man one (aka Laden) I was emailed by my dearest friend Sam-the-Man. By the way, Gary also thinks they're funy so I thought I'd post 'em and give y'all a laugh. So *sigh* here they are!
50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort
Or, 50 ways to considerably shorten your lifespan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.
2. Ask him if he has any grey poupon.
3. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."
4. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
5. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath, and why he over-does his make-up so much.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Teach him how to spit tobacco.
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'
29. Tell him he should really try the 12-step program (baby steps) for Evil Overlords - Evil Overlords Anonymous.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
36. Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair
1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13. Mine his bathroom.
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. 36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
Now are these peeps crazy or what? This is what I call 'good torturing, crazy entertainment' and not what Martha Stewarts does in her spare time!
--Ron Weasley
Chapter 7: Fruitless Turkey-day Thoughts
Hello peeps! Mamma Monnie is back. heh. anyways the only things I'm going to post today are some very wise reasons, or methods to diss two characters that are much alike in their, er, own ways:
HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!!!! (what, you mean Voldie-poo?)
And
OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!! (what, you mean that hairy man who is hiding Voldie-poo inside his turban like Quirrel once did?)
Yes, I do mean those two cracker-heads. I found these 100 ways to diss these two lunatics on the internet. The one of my brother, Tom M. Riddle I found at mugglenet.com because they are very great, wise, big, and crazy, like me *cough*. And the Hairy-man one (aka Laden) I was emailed by my dearest friend Sam-the-Man. By the way, Gary also thinks they're funy so I thought I'd post 'em and give y'all a laugh. So *sigh* here they are!
50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort
Or, 50 ways to considerably shorten your lifespan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar.
2. Ask him if he has any grey poupon.
3. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."
4. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
5. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
6. Smile during Death-Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath, and why he over-does his make-up so much.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Teach him how to spit tobacco.
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? Whats that, a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there....
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Ever?'
29. Tell him he should really try the 12-step program (baby steps) for Evil Overlords - Evil Overlords Anonymous.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.
36. Tell him you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair
1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13. Mine his bathroom.
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. 36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
Now are these peeps crazy or what? This is what I call 'good torturing, crazy entertainment' and not what Martha Stewarts does in her spare time!