Kitto, Kitto, Sonno Mama
/Surely, Surely, As It Has Always Been/
Standard Disclaimers Apply.
Aki-niichan, Aki's Notebook.
Http://clik.to/shiine
Tatsumi shifted, still a little afraid, a little worried.
Every evening it came, annoying as it was, prompting him to leave his work and breaking that precious trail of thought, a long line of mental computations, maybe just as he was relaxing back on his chair. That bothersome phone call with Tsuzuki's loud voice, wasting his time just to say goodnight – was already a good hour long overdue.
But of course it was simply to be expected. No one else calls during that time of the night in JuChoOh, except for emergencies, and Tsuzuki Asato was fast asleep in the clinic, still recovering from his attempt to kill himself. From outside in the hallways it was complete silence all the way his office, a small lamp by his elbow the only light to be found in the building. And from some distance was the dim glow from another office, just across the street, the GuShoShin probably still organizing files in the library.
Tatsumi sighed. He leaned back, closed his eyes, started rubbing at the nape of his neck – there was still much paperwork to be done concerning Kyoto. Several females, murdered simultaneously, a prominent doctor, and to his discomfit a few unknown witnesses, were all victims of Kazutaka Muraki's most recent killing spree; apparently most of their souls had not been returned at the time they were killed, as what happens to most victims of violent killings. With Tsuzuki and Hisoka still recuperating and everyone else busy with their own blocks he had to help Watari search the area himself while recounting all the damages and calculating the reparation costs.
They were done with everyone, actually, except for Muraki himself. Apparently, after checking the Castle of Candles earlier, Muraki's name was not even listed in the list of the deceased. That meant his soul was not merely missing; the contemptuous bastard was still alive.
But Muraki's files were complete now – Tatsumi had taken everything they had about him from the library for his own reference, studying, internalizing every detail of his life. If he was to meet him again he was going to make sure the next time would be the last, and he was going to find out what he could starting today on how to do that. To drive Tsuzuki to taking his own life was the most extreme of transgressions, where Tatsumi was concerned, and there would be no forgiveness, no mercy. Not being able to do anything to stop him, seeing how Tsuzuki wanted death, respite, so much…
He closed Muraki's folder, storing it in his cabinet and locking it inside. He had apologized to Tsuzuki the day before, at a loss for words on his own helplessness, unable to describe the feeling of standing back amidst the flames, watching as if it was you yourself dying in front of you. He wanted to cry, to grab him and feel his breath against his chest, to take in his scent and hear Tsuzuki say that he was happy to be alive, that he did the right thing. Because that night it was selfishness that won over him – it wasn't just because he believed that Tsuzuki wanted to die so much that he let him, despite wanting to be with him so much. That reason made him sound like such a martyr, so virtuous, and it hurt to see Tsuzuki believe it. But really, it was because he didn't want to see that look in Tsuzuki's eyes of total desolation, of emptiness, when there he was right in front of him; he could not bear knowing that there was nothing he could do for the boy. How could Tsuzuki be so wiling to throw his life away, when here he was…
When here he was…
They were partners in the past, Tsuzuki-san and him; they go back long ways, he told Kanoe kanchou, when the older man noticed him so worried earlier on. They were also lovers in the past, after all, Watari seemed to tell him with dismal glance. And the look on the scientist's face was what had accompanied him for hours.
*Here I am… unable to show him my true feelings… I'm the idiot, and I know it.*
And it hurt, Tsuzuki being the gracious creature of trust that he was, having to lie and see him believe it, of not being able to tell him the real reason, that on that moment Tsuzuki tried to kill himself Tatsumi had given up on his feelings. That when he saw his willingness to die, saw that Tsuzuki felt as if he had nothing more to live for he let go all hope that Tsuzuki would snap out of his trance because of him. That he was afraid that when he knelt before Tsuzuki he would not listen, not recognize him even, and he would not be able to take him back. He was a coward, unable to risk seeing Tsuzuki choosing death over him.
*Which he probably would have.* What Kurosawa Hisoka did to save Tsuzuki he did not admire. But that he succeeded – Tatsumi would have given the world to be in his place. So it was that boy then, Tatsumi surmised, who finally won.
There was Hakushaku-sama and Muraki's ardent advances, his and Watari's watchful display of concern, and Hisoka's resistant display opposite his true feelings – for some reason when you meet Tsuzuki and see him smile at you for the first time, you realize that instant that you want that smile to accompany you for the rest of your life. He remembered Minase Hijiri, the genius child violinist Tsuzuki had once saved, sobbing in his office, trying to compose himself before saying goodbye to Tsuzuki for good. And even Terazuma, much like Hisoka's denying methods, had been pacing back and forth nervously outside the clinic worrying. He, too, kept his feelings to himself in a manner similar to Tatsumi, and tried to push Tsuzuki away.
Well, Tsuzuki's choice was no big surprise. He had seen the look in Tsuzuki's eyes whenever he looked at his partner, or even just talked of the boy. He may be aloof, but Hisoka was quite beautiful, long-lashes and wide eyes very appealing as well as a slight built that seemed fragile. Coddling the boy despite his warnings not to would probably be irresistible to Tsuzuki, who had an innate sense of whomever needed help without being told. Right now, spending so much time together in the clinic, they probably already sorted their feelings out.
Muraki, Terazuma, Hakushaku-sama, Watari, Hijiri, and himself… He doubted the relationship would deter Muraki and the Hakushaku-sama's advances, and he knew Watari and Terazuma's affections towards Tsuzuki were more of pleasant "what ifs", little crushes so to speak. Hijiri might be hurt, but he had an entire lifetime ahead of him to find a replacement – and besides, he wouldn't find out. But for him, letting Tsuzuki slip out of his fingers… he seemed to be the most affected.
Except for Hisoka, everyone… would just have to be sorry.
"Mada… at this hour still – I knew it!"
Tatsumi's head snapped up, his pen writing over the edge of his papers accidentally. He had left the door open, his limited office space starting to choke him, but strangely he had not noticed the padding of bare feet approach him. Perhaps he had been so lost in his thoughts.
"Tsuzuki-san." He greeted, standing up and frowning at the sight of his former partner leaning against the door for support. "What, may I ask, are you doing out of bed?"
"Mou, not even happy to see me!" Tsuzuki let himself be aided to stand, but refused to budge when Tatsumi led him inside. "You know I've been in bed all day, Tatsumi-san! Can't we go outside for a while?"
Tatsumi glanced back at his work – he was almost done, would probably be done by now if he hadn't let his thoughts wander, and decided he could use a walk outside. His back was starting to hurt, and the evening breeze among the Sakura was quite wonderful. Besides, Tsuzuki's hesitant voice deemed him sure of being rejected – which Tatsumi would just have to prove wrong. He gave the shinigami a clipped nod.
"Thank you." Tsuzuki smiled, although his features were slightly more serious. Tatsumi dismissed the uncomfortable thought that Tsuzuki was still bothered by something. Maybe he was troubled with nightmares? Doubts?
They walked quietly towards the garden clearing outside, a common place for them sip tea together during afternoons. Most of the Sakura trees lined outside the JuChoOh office were in front of the main entrance planted in neat columns along streets, but a few were scattered here and there randomly. In their spot was a particularly large tree near the building walls, and some small ones near it creating an irregular crescent. Carefully Tsuzuki sat down near the largest one, Tatsumi following suit.
"You look, a little better today Tsuzuki-san." Tatsumi said.
"Aa." Tsuzuki replied, not his usual genki self. He pushed himself backwards against the tree trunk.
"You know, today," Tsuzuki started, his eyes skimming the endless landscape of the Meifu. He seemed unaware that he was even speaking, strange as it was for a person to do that, although for Tsuzuki this was common when he was lost in introspection. "Today, Hisoka fell asleep in my arms."
Tatsumi remained silent.
"And the night before, too. And that night before that. And…"
"Each night since you've…" Tatsumi chose his words carefully. "Entered the infirmary, then?"
Tsuzuki smiled at him, and he felt himself do the same. But somewhat… it hurt.
"Something like that."
They kept quiet again, this time the weight of the conversation on Tsuzuki. He didn't quite know what to say, but then, that was why he went to the younger, yet seemingly more mature Tatsumi – he was only older because he was born earlier, but when their age of deaths were concerned Tatsumi was a year his senior. He had a way of knowing what Tsuzuki was trying to say at all times, even when Tsuzuki wasn't sure of what it was himself.
Or maybe, he did know. "In a week he can go home. I'll be losing a roommate."
Tatsumi didn't know how to reply to that. It didn't sound as if Tsuzuki was affirming his suspicions of the two's relationship; more than anything he sounded… unhappy.
A hand clutched at his left sleeve and he found himself eye to eye with amethyst, brimming with some unfathomable emotion, and suddenly Tsuzuki was in motion, arms wrapping around his neck and body seeking warmth in an embrace. He stiffened, catching Tsuzuki on impulse but leaning backwards just the same.
Tsuzuki wasn't speaking, wasn't making any sounds. He simply pressed his cheek over Tatsumi's chest, position a little awkward. They stayed that way for some time, shifting gradually into a more comfortable position, until Tsuzuki found himself half-laying over Tatsumi's chest, legs stretched at ease on the grass.
"You like him." Tatsumi started, staring out towards the ink-dark horizon. "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"
Tsuzuki's head shook slowly against him, a heavy but welcome weight over him. A whisper. "No."
"No?" Tatsumi repeated, frowning a little as he peered down to see Tsuzuki's face despite the rush of relief wanting to overwhelm him at the sound of such a short word. He didn't know Tsuzuki to lie, but the answer seemed highly unlikely. "Honto?"
"Honto…"
"Then why…" before Tatsumi could finish his statement Tsuzuki had looked up, fingers resting near his lips to make him pause. And he paused.
"Because…" Tsuzuki started to explain, but stopped at the word. Then there it was again, that hurt expression, Tsuzuki's eyes suspiciously bright; his breathing was faster now. "Why isn't he the one, Tatsumi?"
Tatsumi removed the hand on his face, clasped it in his. This was loneliness… the same loneliness gripping his very core of needs and wants, having existed for so long with only the certainty of an empty bed each night. He recognized it now it Tsuzuki's eyes, and it removed any assumptions he had of Hisoka and Tsuzuki's relationship. So it really was just a friendship, or love of a family, then, between them?
"These are things you cannot rush, Tsuzuki-san…" He whispered, seemingly also to himself. God how that he…
Tsuzuki's face crumpled and there was a flicker of anger, maybe desperation, in his eyes, his face now mere inches away from Tatsumi's. He closed his eyes, letting his chin drop until his forehead rested somewhere on Tatsumi's cheek. "Seventy-one years - I've been *seventy-one* years dead, Tatsumi…"
Tatsumi closed his eyes as well. A few days ago he almost lost Tsuzuki. After that, he was sure to have lost not his life, but a chance to have his love, to Hisoka. But now here he was, alive and breathing, both things Tatsumi thought to have let go before in his arms – suddenly holding Tsuzuki so close felt like it had to mean something again. Was he really so content with unrequited feelings?
"Perhaps, you just don't know, then…"
"Ne?" Tsuzuki lifted his gaze once more, locking them with clear blue as Tatsumi watched him through lidded eyes and rested the back of his head against the tree trunk. He smiled; typical of Tsuzuki, to smile so often, his right hand clinging on Tatsumi's shoulder to prop himself up. "Will you be making me feel good about myself now, Tatsumi? Say things very unlike you to make me feel better?"
Tatsumi shook his head. Tsuzuki was teasing, but they both knew Tatsumi only spoke with veracity. Just like now. "Just the truth, Tsuzuki-san. If you would hear it."
There was mild surprise it Tsuzuki's eyes, and he seemed to consider it. "Of course."
"Of course." Tatsumi echoed, composing himself. He pushed himself to sit straighter, disentangling from Tsuzuki with a little difficulty and prompting the man to do the same beside him. He wanted Tsuzuki's full attention, not coddling him in any way, for this was something serious, and not something he'd want Tsuzuki to associate with the comfort of being in somebody's arms.
It wasn't very hard; he had done this before. He wasn't afraid of rejection in this sort as he was of being rejected at the cost of Tsuzuki's life. But it had been so long ago; his mouth felt inexplicably dry and he knew his voice could be affected. "You know what I feel for you, Tsuzuki-san."
Tsuzuki's eyes softened. "I know." He moved to lean his head on Tatsumi's side, but a hand caught his shoulder and he stared at Tatsumi. Tatsumi looked entirely serious.
"How I really feel, Asato." And there was a hand on his cheek, Tatsumi's eyes smoldering through his glasses. Tsuzuki almost gasped.
Tatsumi expected the beautiful violet eyes to widen, for Tsuzuki to perhaps move back, or smile. Something of the sort, nothing vehement. And Tsuzuki did smile, but the sadness in his eyes were apparent; in a moment it was evident in his entire expression. "Tatsumi… to go this far…"
"Tsuzuki-san…?" Tatsumi was unsure of what that answer meant. But before he could respond Tsuzuki was pushing himself upwards, brushing his palms over his knees.
"Tatsumi, don't…" Tsuzuki was still smiling. "I… thank you, I think. But really, you don't have to."
Tatsumi sat where he was motionless, wondering. What…
Realization came to him slowly, and Tsuzuki was halfway towards the office entrance when he pushed himself up to follow, not quite rushing. He cleared his voice instead and expected Tsuzuki to be the one to walk back. "Tsuzuki-san!"
Tsuzuki stopped, glancing back at him. It was puzzling… if Tsuzuki thought he was doing this out of sympathy, or to make him feel better, why wasn't he upset? He should be, if it was the case. Tatsumi walked towards him, his heartbeat still a rapid tugging at his chest.
"Tsuzuki-san, do you think I'm lying?" Tatsumi asked carefully. He was slightly nervous but his voice showed nothing of it.
Tsuzuki didn't answer, only looked down. A yes.
"Then… do you wish it were true?" Tatsumi could feel his heartbeat quickening further. He was setting himself up for a greater fall this way, but Tsuzuki's disbelief already gave him the leeway needed in case his feelings were unrequited. He couldn't resist asking a little of how Tsuzuki felt now that he had only, it seemed, half-confessed, if at all. Then if it was a completely negative reply he could discontinue telling him of his feelings entirely.
"Maybe." Tsuzuki smiled at him, a now more sincere expression. He considered it fairly. "You… you're a good man, Tatsumi."
Tatsumi swallowed, smiling back as he felt his cheeks begin to warm. When Tsuzuki said those words he meant it, Tatsumi knew, and he felt both guilty and helpless all of the sudden, for making Tsuzuki say this first before admitting his own feelings, as if trapping the man. He took the hand so near his and reveled at the warmth of Tsuzuki's palm, then tugged a little towards the building where he began to walk towards. Another small smile – that was his way of thanking Tsuzuki, for what he said, and although the rush of such hidden emotions prodded him decided not to pursue the conversation.
"Thank you, then."
Ignoring his heart he laid a hand on Tsuzuki's shoulder and guided him inside.
~ + ~
"And then you sent him to his room?"
"Of course." Tatsumi replied, pushing up his glasses with his forefinger. He pointedly ignored Watari's incessant tapping at the pile of papers in front of him, the charming blonde seated comfortably on top of his desk.
"Alone?" Watari asked.
At that Tatsumi paused in his writing, not in the least surprised to see Watari's previously stern expression turn a little naughty before erupting into giggles. "Yes, alone, Watari."
It was almost ten, and Tatsumi was finding it extremely difficult concentrating on his work. Finally the last of Muraki's victim's files were sorted, the GuShoShin brothers in and out of his office that day as he and Watari worked together on the same desk, reading, filing, editing, signing. They had stayed inside even during dinner, Konoe joining Tsuzuki and Hisoka in the infirmary while they ate instant Yakisoba surrounded by paperwork. By now he knew his eyes were starting to turn red.
"We should really call it a night," Watari offered, already stacking folders on his chair. "Come on, tell me how it all happened with Tsuzuki."
Tatsumi considered it. He did start with the conversation, mentioning what happened two nights ago between him and Tsuzuki to Watari while they ate dinner. It was almost unintentional, as if the words just slipped out. Perhaps with Watari being the only one who knew of their past relationship he was the only one Tatsumi could tell, and his subconscious seemed raring to tell someone.
He wasn't the type who'd share, but, maybe just a little… and it was very rare that he'd keep anything from Watari. "Tsuzuki-san is just… lonely, like I told you."
"Like the rest of us…" Watari added whimsically, smiling eyes sparkling. "Tell me something I don't know."
"Watari…" Tatsumi warned.
Watari raised both his hands with a reigned grin, standing up. He ran a hand over his hair, removing the bow holding it together; Tatsumi's eyes stayed on him. "Hei, hei… enough teasing…"
"Watari…" Tatsumi again said, forcing a little more authority in his tone. Watari's voice had so gradually softened; there was almost no realizing it until the last minute. And he knew what that meant; in fact he knew it quite well. When Watari started to walk behind his chair he stood up.
"It's late. I have to get things ready for tomorrow's trip." Tatsumi stated. He rarely had to work so close to the younger man anymore; the last time was almost a year ago. But on a night like this, in the dark, in such close proximity with the younger shinigami it was easy to recall what could happen whenever they were alone. During their last company-paid vacation in a Kyoto hot spring he didn't have any complains about Watari's, er, attentions, and it was not something he was uncomfortable or ashamed about, but…
In his office…
"Seiichirou-san…" Watari husked at his ear, arms already wrapped around his torso from behind. "You know I can make you feel so…"
"Urusai!" Tatsumi almost hissed, feeling his body jump to the touch. The last time in an office was while they were making rounds of other shinigami stations, behind Torii Saya's extra desk. Her partner Yuma had walked in on them, *twice*, and it took all his strength and ability to shut Watari up on both times as they crowded their legs in very uncomfortable positions to hide behind the said table. Right now with kanchou, Tsuzuki, Hisoka, and Kami knows who in the building, he was *not* about to go through the inconveniences of work table sex!
"Are you still thinking of Hokkaido?" Watari asked, guessing accurately. "We can lock up in my lab… we'll leave 003 here"
Tatsumi caught Watari's wrist as his hand went dangerously low past his belt, struggling. Watari's breath was now a soft stroke coming to convergence with his cheek; nimble fingers danced lightly over his chest to caress him over the fabric of his suit and nascent hardness began to press against him from behind, not too vigorously but insistent enough. He spun around, letting his arm slip around the chemist's waist, and kissed him.
It wasn't a long kiss, nor a very fervent one. Tatsumi kept his mouth closed, and his hands stayed put; Watari let Tatsumi have his way for now and simply enjoyed the sensation of their lips meshing together, for although the younger man didn't seem that interested tonight, the certain tenderness that what truly Tatsumi was more than enough to make him sigh dreamily.
Slowly Watari opened his eyes, a little disappointed. They, Tatsumi and him, had been like this since Tatsumi's first few years in the Meifu until the present; work was work, but every now and then they found in each other's arms a little comfort, a little pleasure. By now he could read Tatsumi better than anyone, especially at times like *this*.
"Tsuzuki's a lucky man…" Watari said with a chuckle, resting his head on Tatsumi's shoulder. He remembered the time when Tatsumi started becoming serious with his feelings for his amethyst-eyed partner; it was just the like this, that Tatsumi would turn him down. "You should go for it."
Tatsumi nodded, plucking Watari's glasses from his lab coat pocket where it was slipped earlier. He placed them back on Watari's face, letting the back of his fingers linger over a soft cheek for a moment, taking in clever, passionate brown eyes framed by waves of gold a little sunnier than any he had ever seen on anyone else. Watari was beautiful like this, hair down past his shoulders; having been able to touch him in such an intimate manner so many times in the past was not something he took lightly. "I'm the lucky one," he told him, kissing Watari's cheek one last time before extending his arms, hands already on Watari's shoulders. "Thank you, Yutaka-san."
"Hei, hei," Watari sighed the second time that night. He moved towards the door, only pausing to retrieve a folder from Tatsumi's desk. He was about leave the room when he turned around half-way, glancing at Tatsumi over his shoulder. He looked serious just then, but then smiled his usual genki way.
"Well… If you change your mind about sex you know the way to my lab ^^" And Watari winked, closing the door behind him.
"Are…" Tatsumi sweatdropped. But he knew what Watari really meant nevertheless.
"Aa."
+ owari part 1 ++
+ E-mail all comments and suggestions for niichan to Kaede Shu, cherrysoftness@schuldich.zzn.com ++
/Surely, Surely, As It Has Always Been/
Standard Disclaimers Apply.
Aki-niichan, Aki's Notebook.
Http://clik.to/shiine
Tatsumi shifted, still a little afraid, a little worried.
Every evening it came, annoying as it was, prompting him to leave his work and breaking that precious trail of thought, a long line of mental computations, maybe just as he was relaxing back on his chair. That bothersome phone call with Tsuzuki's loud voice, wasting his time just to say goodnight – was already a good hour long overdue.
But of course it was simply to be expected. No one else calls during that time of the night in JuChoOh, except for emergencies, and Tsuzuki Asato was fast asleep in the clinic, still recovering from his attempt to kill himself. From outside in the hallways it was complete silence all the way his office, a small lamp by his elbow the only light to be found in the building. And from some distance was the dim glow from another office, just across the street, the GuShoShin probably still organizing files in the library.
Tatsumi sighed. He leaned back, closed his eyes, started rubbing at the nape of his neck – there was still much paperwork to be done concerning Kyoto. Several females, murdered simultaneously, a prominent doctor, and to his discomfit a few unknown witnesses, were all victims of Kazutaka Muraki's most recent killing spree; apparently most of their souls had not been returned at the time they were killed, as what happens to most victims of violent killings. With Tsuzuki and Hisoka still recuperating and everyone else busy with their own blocks he had to help Watari search the area himself while recounting all the damages and calculating the reparation costs.
They were done with everyone, actually, except for Muraki himself. Apparently, after checking the Castle of Candles earlier, Muraki's name was not even listed in the list of the deceased. That meant his soul was not merely missing; the contemptuous bastard was still alive.
But Muraki's files were complete now – Tatsumi had taken everything they had about him from the library for his own reference, studying, internalizing every detail of his life. If he was to meet him again he was going to make sure the next time would be the last, and he was going to find out what he could starting today on how to do that. To drive Tsuzuki to taking his own life was the most extreme of transgressions, where Tatsumi was concerned, and there would be no forgiveness, no mercy. Not being able to do anything to stop him, seeing how Tsuzuki wanted death, respite, so much…
He closed Muraki's folder, storing it in his cabinet and locking it inside. He had apologized to Tsuzuki the day before, at a loss for words on his own helplessness, unable to describe the feeling of standing back amidst the flames, watching as if it was you yourself dying in front of you. He wanted to cry, to grab him and feel his breath against his chest, to take in his scent and hear Tsuzuki say that he was happy to be alive, that he did the right thing. Because that night it was selfishness that won over him – it wasn't just because he believed that Tsuzuki wanted to die so much that he let him, despite wanting to be with him so much. That reason made him sound like such a martyr, so virtuous, and it hurt to see Tsuzuki believe it. But really, it was because he didn't want to see that look in Tsuzuki's eyes of total desolation, of emptiness, when there he was right in front of him; he could not bear knowing that there was nothing he could do for the boy. How could Tsuzuki be so wiling to throw his life away, when here he was…
When here he was…
They were partners in the past, Tsuzuki-san and him; they go back long ways, he told Kanoe kanchou, when the older man noticed him so worried earlier on. They were also lovers in the past, after all, Watari seemed to tell him with dismal glance. And the look on the scientist's face was what had accompanied him for hours.
*Here I am… unable to show him my true feelings… I'm the idiot, and I know it.*
And it hurt, Tsuzuki being the gracious creature of trust that he was, having to lie and see him believe it, of not being able to tell him the real reason, that on that moment Tsuzuki tried to kill himself Tatsumi had given up on his feelings. That when he saw his willingness to die, saw that Tsuzuki felt as if he had nothing more to live for he let go all hope that Tsuzuki would snap out of his trance because of him. That he was afraid that when he knelt before Tsuzuki he would not listen, not recognize him even, and he would not be able to take him back. He was a coward, unable to risk seeing Tsuzuki choosing death over him.
*Which he probably would have.* What Kurosawa Hisoka did to save Tsuzuki he did not admire. But that he succeeded – Tatsumi would have given the world to be in his place. So it was that boy then, Tatsumi surmised, who finally won.
There was Hakushaku-sama and Muraki's ardent advances, his and Watari's watchful display of concern, and Hisoka's resistant display opposite his true feelings – for some reason when you meet Tsuzuki and see him smile at you for the first time, you realize that instant that you want that smile to accompany you for the rest of your life. He remembered Minase Hijiri, the genius child violinist Tsuzuki had once saved, sobbing in his office, trying to compose himself before saying goodbye to Tsuzuki for good. And even Terazuma, much like Hisoka's denying methods, had been pacing back and forth nervously outside the clinic worrying. He, too, kept his feelings to himself in a manner similar to Tatsumi, and tried to push Tsuzuki away.
Well, Tsuzuki's choice was no big surprise. He had seen the look in Tsuzuki's eyes whenever he looked at his partner, or even just talked of the boy. He may be aloof, but Hisoka was quite beautiful, long-lashes and wide eyes very appealing as well as a slight built that seemed fragile. Coddling the boy despite his warnings not to would probably be irresistible to Tsuzuki, who had an innate sense of whomever needed help without being told. Right now, spending so much time together in the clinic, they probably already sorted their feelings out.
Muraki, Terazuma, Hakushaku-sama, Watari, Hijiri, and himself… He doubted the relationship would deter Muraki and the Hakushaku-sama's advances, and he knew Watari and Terazuma's affections towards Tsuzuki were more of pleasant "what ifs", little crushes so to speak. Hijiri might be hurt, but he had an entire lifetime ahead of him to find a replacement – and besides, he wouldn't find out. But for him, letting Tsuzuki slip out of his fingers… he seemed to be the most affected.
Except for Hisoka, everyone… would just have to be sorry.
"Mada… at this hour still – I knew it!"
Tatsumi's head snapped up, his pen writing over the edge of his papers accidentally. He had left the door open, his limited office space starting to choke him, but strangely he had not noticed the padding of bare feet approach him. Perhaps he had been so lost in his thoughts.
"Tsuzuki-san." He greeted, standing up and frowning at the sight of his former partner leaning against the door for support. "What, may I ask, are you doing out of bed?"
"Mou, not even happy to see me!" Tsuzuki let himself be aided to stand, but refused to budge when Tatsumi led him inside. "You know I've been in bed all day, Tatsumi-san! Can't we go outside for a while?"
Tatsumi glanced back at his work – he was almost done, would probably be done by now if he hadn't let his thoughts wander, and decided he could use a walk outside. His back was starting to hurt, and the evening breeze among the Sakura was quite wonderful. Besides, Tsuzuki's hesitant voice deemed him sure of being rejected – which Tatsumi would just have to prove wrong. He gave the shinigami a clipped nod.
"Thank you." Tsuzuki smiled, although his features were slightly more serious. Tatsumi dismissed the uncomfortable thought that Tsuzuki was still bothered by something. Maybe he was troubled with nightmares? Doubts?
They walked quietly towards the garden clearing outside, a common place for them sip tea together during afternoons. Most of the Sakura trees lined outside the JuChoOh office were in front of the main entrance planted in neat columns along streets, but a few were scattered here and there randomly. In their spot was a particularly large tree near the building walls, and some small ones near it creating an irregular crescent. Carefully Tsuzuki sat down near the largest one, Tatsumi following suit.
"You look, a little better today Tsuzuki-san." Tatsumi said.
"Aa." Tsuzuki replied, not his usual genki self. He pushed himself backwards against the tree trunk.
"You know, today," Tsuzuki started, his eyes skimming the endless landscape of the Meifu. He seemed unaware that he was even speaking, strange as it was for a person to do that, although for Tsuzuki this was common when he was lost in introspection. "Today, Hisoka fell asleep in my arms."
Tatsumi remained silent.
"And the night before, too. And that night before that. And…"
"Each night since you've…" Tatsumi chose his words carefully. "Entered the infirmary, then?"
Tsuzuki smiled at him, and he felt himself do the same. But somewhat… it hurt.
"Something like that."
They kept quiet again, this time the weight of the conversation on Tsuzuki. He didn't quite know what to say, but then, that was why he went to the younger, yet seemingly more mature Tatsumi – he was only older because he was born earlier, but when their age of deaths were concerned Tatsumi was a year his senior. He had a way of knowing what Tsuzuki was trying to say at all times, even when Tsuzuki wasn't sure of what it was himself.
Or maybe, he did know. "In a week he can go home. I'll be losing a roommate."
Tatsumi didn't know how to reply to that. It didn't sound as if Tsuzuki was affirming his suspicions of the two's relationship; more than anything he sounded… unhappy.
A hand clutched at his left sleeve and he found himself eye to eye with amethyst, brimming with some unfathomable emotion, and suddenly Tsuzuki was in motion, arms wrapping around his neck and body seeking warmth in an embrace. He stiffened, catching Tsuzuki on impulse but leaning backwards just the same.
Tsuzuki wasn't speaking, wasn't making any sounds. He simply pressed his cheek over Tatsumi's chest, position a little awkward. They stayed that way for some time, shifting gradually into a more comfortable position, until Tsuzuki found himself half-laying over Tatsumi's chest, legs stretched at ease on the grass.
"You like him." Tatsumi started, staring out towards the ink-dark horizon. "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"
Tsuzuki's head shook slowly against him, a heavy but welcome weight over him. A whisper. "No."
"No?" Tatsumi repeated, frowning a little as he peered down to see Tsuzuki's face despite the rush of relief wanting to overwhelm him at the sound of such a short word. He didn't know Tsuzuki to lie, but the answer seemed highly unlikely. "Honto?"
"Honto…"
"Then why…" before Tatsumi could finish his statement Tsuzuki had looked up, fingers resting near his lips to make him pause. And he paused.
"Because…" Tsuzuki started to explain, but stopped at the word. Then there it was again, that hurt expression, Tsuzuki's eyes suspiciously bright; his breathing was faster now. "Why isn't he the one, Tatsumi?"
Tatsumi removed the hand on his face, clasped it in his. This was loneliness… the same loneliness gripping his very core of needs and wants, having existed for so long with only the certainty of an empty bed each night. He recognized it now it Tsuzuki's eyes, and it removed any assumptions he had of Hisoka and Tsuzuki's relationship. So it really was just a friendship, or love of a family, then, between them?
"These are things you cannot rush, Tsuzuki-san…" He whispered, seemingly also to himself. God how that he…
Tsuzuki's face crumpled and there was a flicker of anger, maybe desperation, in his eyes, his face now mere inches away from Tatsumi's. He closed his eyes, letting his chin drop until his forehead rested somewhere on Tatsumi's cheek. "Seventy-one years - I've been *seventy-one* years dead, Tatsumi…"
Tatsumi closed his eyes as well. A few days ago he almost lost Tsuzuki. After that, he was sure to have lost not his life, but a chance to have his love, to Hisoka. But now here he was, alive and breathing, both things Tatsumi thought to have let go before in his arms – suddenly holding Tsuzuki so close felt like it had to mean something again. Was he really so content with unrequited feelings?
"Perhaps, you just don't know, then…"
"Ne?" Tsuzuki lifted his gaze once more, locking them with clear blue as Tatsumi watched him through lidded eyes and rested the back of his head against the tree trunk. He smiled; typical of Tsuzuki, to smile so often, his right hand clinging on Tatsumi's shoulder to prop himself up. "Will you be making me feel good about myself now, Tatsumi? Say things very unlike you to make me feel better?"
Tatsumi shook his head. Tsuzuki was teasing, but they both knew Tatsumi only spoke with veracity. Just like now. "Just the truth, Tsuzuki-san. If you would hear it."
There was mild surprise it Tsuzuki's eyes, and he seemed to consider it. "Of course."
"Of course." Tatsumi echoed, composing himself. He pushed himself to sit straighter, disentangling from Tsuzuki with a little difficulty and prompting the man to do the same beside him. He wanted Tsuzuki's full attention, not coddling him in any way, for this was something serious, and not something he'd want Tsuzuki to associate with the comfort of being in somebody's arms.
It wasn't very hard; he had done this before. He wasn't afraid of rejection in this sort as he was of being rejected at the cost of Tsuzuki's life. But it had been so long ago; his mouth felt inexplicably dry and he knew his voice could be affected. "You know what I feel for you, Tsuzuki-san."
Tsuzuki's eyes softened. "I know." He moved to lean his head on Tatsumi's side, but a hand caught his shoulder and he stared at Tatsumi. Tatsumi looked entirely serious.
"How I really feel, Asato." And there was a hand on his cheek, Tatsumi's eyes smoldering through his glasses. Tsuzuki almost gasped.
Tatsumi expected the beautiful violet eyes to widen, for Tsuzuki to perhaps move back, or smile. Something of the sort, nothing vehement. And Tsuzuki did smile, but the sadness in his eyes were apparent; in a moment it was evident in his entire expression. "Tatsumi… to go this far…"
"Tsuzuki-san…?" Tatsumi was unsure of what that answer meant. But before he could respond Tsuzuki was pushing himself upwards, brushing his palms over his knees.
"Tatsumi, don't…" Tsuzuki was still smiling. "I… thank you, I think. But really, you don't have to."
Tatsumi sat where he was motionless, wondering. What…
Realization came to him slowly, and Tsuzuki was halfway towards the office entrance when he pushed himself up to follow, not quite rushing. He cleared his voice instead and expected Tsuzuki to be the one to walk back. "Tsuzuki-san!"
Tsuzuki stopped, glancing back at him. It was puzzling… if Tsuzuki thought he was doing this out of sympathy, or to make him feel better, why wasn't he upset? He should be, if it was the case. Tatsumi walked towards him, his heartbeat still a rapid tugging at his chest.
"Tsuzuki-san, do you think I'm lying?" Tatsumi asked carefully. He was slightly nervous but his voice showed nothing of it.
Tsuzuki didn't answer, only looked down. A yes.
"Then… do you wish it were true?" Tatsumi could feel his heartbeat quickening further. He was setting himself up for a greater fall this way, but Tsuzuki's disbelief already gave him the leeway needed in case his feelings were unrequited. He couldn't resist asking a little of how Tsuzuki felt now that he had only, it seemed, half-confessed, if at all. Then if it was a completely negative reply he could discontinue telling him of his feelings entirely.
"Maybe." Tsuzuki smiled at him, a now more sincere expression. He considered it fairly. "You… you're a good man, Tatsumi."
Tatsumi swallowed, smiling back as he felt his cheeks begin to warm. When Tsuzuki said those words he meant it, Tatsumi knew, and he felt both guilty and helpless all of the sudden, for making Tsuzuki say this first before admitting his own feelings, as if trapping the man. He took the hand so near his and reveled at the warmth of Tsuzuki's palm, then tugged a little towards the building where he began to walk towards. Another small smile – that was his way of thanking Tsuzuki, for what he said, and although the rush of such hidden emotions prodded him decided not to pursue the conversation.
"Thank you, then."
Ignoring his heart he laid a hand on Tsuzuki's shoulder and guided him inside.
~ + ~
"And then you sent him to his room?"
"Of course." Tatsumi replied, pushing up his glasses with his forefinger. He pointedly ignored Watari's incessant tapping at the pile of papers in front of him, the charming blonde seated comfortably on top of his desk.
"Alone?" Watari asked.
At that Tatsumi paused in his writing, not in the least surprised to see Watari's previously stern expression turn a little naughty before erupting into giggles. "Yes, alone, Watari."
It was almost ten, and Tatsumi was finding it extremely difficult concentrating on his work. Finally the last of Muraki's victim's files were sorted, the GuShoShin brothers in and out of his office that day as he and Watari worked together on the same desk, reading, filing, editing, signing. They had stayed inside even during dinner, Konoe joining Tsuzuki and Hisoka in the infirmary while they ate instant Yakisoba surrounded by paperwork. By now he knew his eyes were starting to turn red.
"We should really call it a night," Watari offered, already stacking folders on his chair. "Come on, tell me how it all happened with Tsuzuki."
Tatsumi considered it. He did start with the conversation, mentioning what happened two nights ago between him and Tsuzuki to Watari while they ate dinner. It was almost unintentional, as if the words just slipped out. Perhaps with Watari being the only one who knew of their past relationship he was the only one Tatsumi could tell, and his subconscious seemed raring to tell someone.
He wasn't the type who'd share, but, maybe just a little… and it was very rare that he'd keep anything from Watari. "Tsuzuki-san is just… lonely, like I told you."
"Like the rest of us…" Watari added whimsically, smiling eyes sparkling. "Tell me something I don't know."
"Watari…" Tatsumi warned.
Watari raised both his hands with a reigned grin, standing up. He ran a hand over his hair, removing the bow holding it together; Tatsumi's eyes stayed on him. "Hei, hei… enough teasing…"
"Watari…" Tatsumi again said, forcing a little more authority in his tone. Watari's voice had so gradually softened; there was almost no realizing it until the last minute. And he knew what that meant; in fact he knew it quite well. When Watari started to walk behind his chair he stood up.
"It's late. I have to get things ready for tomorrow's trip." Tatsumi stated. He rarely had to work so close to the younger man anymore; the last time was almost a year ago. But on a night like this, in the dark, in such close proximity with the younger shinigami it was easy to recall what could happen whenever they were alone. During their last company-paid vacation in a Kyoto hot spring he didn't have any complains about Watari's, er, attentions, and it was not something he was uncomfortable or ashamed about, but…
In his office…
"Seiichirou-san…" Watari husked at his ear, arms already wrapped around his torso from behind. "You know I can make you feel so…"
"Urusai!" Tatsumi almost hissed, feeling his body jump to the touch. The last time in an office was while they were making rounds of other shinigami stations, behind Torii Saya's extra desk. Her partner Yuma had walked in on them, *twice*, and it took all his strength and ability to shut Watari up on both times as they crowded their legs in very uncomfortable positions to hide behind the said table. Right now with kanchou, Tsuzuki, Hisoka, and Kami knows who in the building, he was *not* about to go through the inconveniences of work table sex!
"Are you still thinking of Hokkaido?" Watari asked, guessing accurately. "We can lock up in my lab… we'll leave 003 here"
Tatsumi caught Watari's wrist as his hand went dangerously low past his belt, struggling. Watari's breath was now a soft stroke coming to convergence with his cheek; nimble fingers danced lightly over his chest to caress him over the fabric of his suit and nascent hardness began to press against him from behind, not too vigorously but insistent enough. He spun around, letting his arm slip around the chemist's waist, and kissed him.
It wasn't a long kiss, nor a very fervent one. Tatsumi kept his mouth closed, and his hands stayed put; Watari let Tatsumi have his way for now and simply enjoyed the sensation of their lips meshing together, for although the younger man didn't seem that interested tonight, the certain tenderness that what truly Tatsumi was more than enough to make him sigh dreamily.
Slowly Watari opened his eyes, a little disappointed. They, Tatsumi and him, had been like this since Tatsumi's first few years in the Meifu until the present; work was work, but every now and then they found in each other's arms a little comfort, a little pleasure. By now he could read Tatsumi better than anyone, especially at times like *this*.
"Tsuzuki's a lucky man…" Watari said with a chuckle, resting his head on Tatsumi's shoulder. He remembered the time when Tatsumi started becoming serious with his feelings for his amethyst-eyed partner; it was just the like this, that Tatsumi would turn him down. "You should go for it."
Tatsumi nodded, plucking Watari's glasses from his lab coat pocket where it was slipped earlier. He placed them back on Watari's face, letting the back of his fingers linger over a soft cheek for a moment, taking in clever, passionate brown eyes framed by waves of gold a little sunnier than any he had ever seen on anyone else. Watari was beautiful like this, hair down past his shoulders; having been able to touch him in such an intimate manner so many times in the past was not something he took lightly. "I'm the lucky one," he told him, kissing Watari's cheek one last time before extending his arms, hands already on Watari's shoulders. "Thank you, Yutaka-san."
"Hei, hei," Watari sighed the second time that night. He moved towards the door, only pausing to retrieve a folder from Tatsumi's desk. He was about leave the room when he turned around half-way, glancing at Tatsumi over his shoulder. He looked serious just then, but then smiled his usual genki way.
"Well… If you change your mind about sex you know the way to my lab ^^" And Watari winked, closing the door behind him.
"Are…" Tatsumi sweatdropped. But he knew what Watari really meant nevertheless.
"Aa."
+ owari part 1 ++
+ E-mail all comments and suggestions for niichan to Kaede Shu, cherrysoftness@schuldich.zzn.com ++