"Angel, there you are," Gunn states quizzically as I finally arrive downstairs. "Yeah, um, sorry, I got a little tied up, but here I am now…what?"
I realize they're all staring at me, mouths agape. I look down at myself, having forgotten I have blasted down the stairs wearing only my boxers and robe.
Man, I hate to blush. I pull my robe about me with as much dignity I can muster.
"Cordy," I kneel by her side as she lays on the circular couch, recouping from an apparently violent vision. Being half demon herself now, she doesn't have the pain once associated with the visions, but since having spent some time in the hospital recently, she's not exactly one hundred percent. "Angel, you're not gonna believe this one," she starts, and manages to sit up to face me.
I sit on the stairs, head in hands. How am I going to tell Buffy? Gee honey, yet another old and cracked up despot is after our power once again, and is trying to distract us by casting a desire spell? Yeah, that'll work.
This magician apparently is a very powerful one. One that Doyle and I had actually worked with before. Leo Golden. I never thought I'd hear that name again.
And Doyle. That name brings only pain, even now. The one I let slip through the cracks. Half of my original team, I kind of roped him in, even though he approached me. Those first few months after separating from Buffy for what I thought was the last time, he was a beacon in the dark and a compatriot, but most of all just a good friend. God, I've let so many people down.
And since when is Leo Golden on the dark side of the force? I need to find out exactly what's going on.
I finally stand and turn to face the music. I know it's a spell, a really powerful one at that, but I can feel her anger and desire spilling out into the hall even as I approach the door.
I knock, not really sure why.
"Come in, Angel."
Ulp.
She's dressed now, again in more of my borrowed tees and sweats. There was no way we could have known she would be staying with me this long, thus the lack of personal clothing. I don't mind- my big clothing looks almost better on her than it does on me. And wearing a white tee shirt like she is now, you can almost see the outline of her…spell, spell. Remember it's a spell.
"Hey," I start, not really sure how to begin. I realize this is probably going to raise more questions than answer them. "Are you okay?" She looks at me, lips quivering, eyes full of pain. Oh, those hazel eyes. I open my arms, and she rushes into them, buries her head in my chest. We just stand this way for while, breathing each other in, her fingers wrapped tightly around my biceps.
"I didn't know if I could make it with you gone another minute," she whispers into my robe. "I almost went to find you. What's going on, Angel? What's wrong with us?" she trembles at this last statement, and I suddenly comprehend that she is worried about this whole week, our time together.
I pull her gently away from my body, and we walk together to the window, where the last rays of the sun tinge the sky with yellow. Tell her, idiot. Just say it.
"Buffy," I try to begin again, "I spoke with Cordy about her vision." "Oh," she says, brightening somewhat. "New demons, new big baddies? Something to distract me from…what I'm feeling?" "Well, yes and no. Definitely new big baddies. But big baddies- uh- bad guy actually- that I've dealt with before. Trouble is, he's not exactly known for pulling an Annakin Skywalker," I tell her. She smiles at my very rare pop culture reference.
"Well, no big. I mean, we'll deal, then we'll find out the deal. Right? So get 'splainey and fill me in," she finishes.
I shake my head. "It's not quite that easy this time, Buffy. You know about all that slayer power you have? And the fact that a vampire with a soul isn't exactly common, and it might attract the power hungry? Well, this guy is the real deal black magic guy. Doyle and I helped him once, and apparently he doesn't care that he does owe me enough to stop what he's doing. Cordy's vision was kind of murky," her eyes widen in shock when she realizes the vision was actually about us, "but it basically tells us that your slayer power combined with my soul will give him the ultimate power- all consuming magical abilities and immortality. The catch? We kind of have to, well, die for it to work. He's trying to distract with this…desire spell while he prepares the major mojo," I finish lamely. I stare intently into her eyes, hoping that she will forgive the condensed version of the vision. I don't know if I can repeat everything Cordy told me without hurting Buffy too much.
"So all this week, last week at the park, this…thing we're doing. It's all a spell?" she asks weakly, eyes hard and distant now. Damn it. I didn't want to have to tell her like this. I didn't want her to think… "Oh, Angel…oh my God." She pulls away from me and walks the length of the room, arms wrapped tightly about her stomach. Damn! Go after her! So I do. "Buffy, wait. Don't think like that," I put my hands on her shoulders, her back still turned. "This week has been more than a dream for me. I never thought in my wildest fantasies that you would come back to me. I need you. I've always needed you. You know what it feels like to be apart. It's no spell that I love you. You have to believe me," I plead with her, sounding like a ridiculous school boy. But this woman, she has my heart and soul wrapped around her so tightly I don't know what would happen if she left me again. Spontaneous combustion might be the least of my problems.
"We'll get through this. We will. This is such a little thing compared to all the other things we've beaten back,and Buffy, we've always won before. We can do it again," I say into her hair. She turns to face me.
She's crying silent tears, which makes her even more beautiful.
Her shaky hand touches my cheek hesitantly. Once again I am drawn to the amazing sight of my ring gracing her finger after so long without it.
"Okay, Angel, I believe you. But when we beat this," I love her even more for saying 'when' not 'if', "we need to have a serious discussion," she concludes, dropping her hand to my side. She lifts my own hand up, palm to palm, our rings meeting with a slight clink. In a tremulous voice she tells me, "This can't be just a spell. I know I feel this. It feels so right. And I know we can't ignore the curse," and at this I wince, "because God knows I don't have the strength right now to deal with Angelus again. And Angel, promise me…" our fingers entwine and I pull her to me. "Anything, love, anything," I whisper to her. "No matter what happens, you'll always love me. I couldn't bear it if you didn't. I tried so hard for so long to deny it to myself. I stayed away from you for years; kept myself in darkness when I knew you were the only way to the light. When Fred called me last week, I knew someone was trying to give me a sign, that it was time to grow some courage and face you again. What if you didn't feel the same? What if you were with someone else? When I saw you in that hospital bed, so sure you weren't going to make it this time, I swore to myself if I had the chance to tell you how I felt I would take it. It would be worth your dismissal just to see you again. And my God, when you told me you loved me too, it was like I had risen from the grave all over again, except this time I had left hell and ended up in heaven. That's why I know we can beat this spell, and the idiot baddy in the process. We do really love each other. And that's the whole point."
I have no words after that. I just hold her close, and shed my own tears of joy into her hair.
She's right. Who knew my slayer could be so eloquent?
Spinning, whirling, and of course, running again. She is a powerhouse of kicks, punches and flying sword blades. I jump in when she falls back, and even if I say so I'm not so bad myself.
Leo begins to sketch symbols in the air with his fingers, and Buffy notices it at the same moment I do. A look passes between us, and she throws me one of her swords as we rush him together.
I run smack into a wall of invisible energy, almost the same feeling of trying to enter a person's home without being invited. Dropping the sword, I put on my game face and try to get at him from another direction. Buffy attacks from the front as I hastily ascend the stacked boxes against the wall, finally reaching the beams that crisscross the ceiling above them. I leap from the roof, leather coat flying behind me as I fall directly on top of Leo, who has obviously not anticipated me appearing as out of nowhere. I knock him to the ground, hands at his throat, a fearsome growl on my lips. It's all I can do not to rip his stupid throat out, after all the pain he's caused me, and my love.
"Angel! No, don't!" her shout brings me to my senses. She's suddenly there pulling me off him.
"Buffy, let me," I growl at her, barely able to control the fiery rage that bubbles up, almost choking me.
"No, let me," she knocks me aside as Leo and his very dangerous fingers begin another spell. As quickly as his hands rise in the air, with a quick SNICK they're gone.
Blood smell grows in the air, and I realize my love has cut Leo's hands off at the wrists. My lips curl back from my fangs, the demon in me enjoying the pain. Leo writhes on the ground, deprived of the tools that he needs to hurt us again.
Buffy leans in close to him, her voice a deadly whisper that even I know to heed.
"I never want to see your face here again. Not even one finger…well, one hair on your head. If I do…" she brandishes the sword very close to his midsection, "let's just say that I can remove things that you would miss a lot more than fingers."
She spits in the dust next to him. "Now, I believe there's the matter of a spell…"
He laughs darkly, with a slight hint of insanity touching it. "No hands, no spell, little slayer. You've won. It's broken," he hisses, and I suddenly realize he's right. I still feel the ever present tenderness, but the crushing libido is gone…dissipated as if it were never there. Buffy looks to me. "Do you feel it, too?" She whispers.
I nod, not sure if I can trust my voice just yet.
She walks to me, kicking up dust onto Leo as she passes him. She puts out a hand to me, and I take it, rising slowly from the floor. We stay that way, hand in hand, as we leave behind the broken magician and the spell he had wrought that almost destroyed our tenuous new love.
A few nights later.
We sit together, once again in Griffith Park. The waxing Moon overhead, shining weakly down on us.
I know what I have to say, what I so desperately want to hear from her as well. I open my mouth, but the words won't come out. She scoots over closer to me, and just puts her arms around me. We sit like this, watching the moon and just being. Together. One. Like we are meant to be.
"Buffy," I finally manage to say, "you asked me a few days ago to promise you something. And I never really answered you. As much crap as we've been through, there has never been a time that I didn't love you. I loved you from the moment you stomped me into the ground in that alley where we first met. I loved you the first time we kissed. I loved you that night at the docks, when I gave you this," I hold her hand up to the light, ring shining, and kiss her lips softly. "I loved you when you killed me. I loved you when you saved me with your blood. And I loved you the last time I saw you, in that graveyard with Spike's scent on your body. I loved you enough to let you go. I loved you still, even though years passed before we saw each other again. And I thank God, or more accurately Fred, for giving me the chance to show you how much.
"Remember when I asked you if you could be with me without following through? I think this past week has shown us one thing- that no matter what obstacles are thrown at us, no matter what crap we have to endure or deal with, our love will always win out. I love you enough to be with you without being with you. I didn't know if I could. A few days ago in my room," and here I break off, shuddering slightly with the memory, "what if we had gone too far? What if I had lost total control? With you I know I'm never clear headed…but I know it's worth it just to be with you without…being with you. I'll never forget the one night we had, and God, with any luck, we'll have one again. Can you wait? Can you help me make it until our time comes?"
I stop my tirade, abruptly tired. And I realize everything I have said is true. We may never be lovers again, but we will always be soul mates. And to have my Buffy with me, always, even if it's only close enough to just touch, it will be okay. It's worth it.
She lays her head on my chest. "I couldn't have said it better myself," she sighs against me.
I lift her chin and look into her hazel eyes. "So I promise you, sweetheart, that if you want me, I'm yours. I promise to love you 'til there's no life left on this Earth. I will love you 'til every last leaf has fallen and L.A. has slid off into the sea. And I hope to God that you will have me, because I can't exist without you. You are the sun that I will never see again. I promise you. You've got me if you want me."
She crinkles her eyes at the corners, a sweet smile playing across her lips.
"They can throw whatever spells they want at us. I don't care. We'll deal. And, Angel, my life would be an endless parade of empty days and nights if you weren't in it. So you can bet I'll be there. Come hell or high water, whatever that means," she frowns slightly. God, I love this woman. And then she gives me the answer I've been hoping for.
"I'll never let you go."
She touches her lips to mine, and I tense slightly, still expecting to feel the after effects of the spell. Nothing- except for Buffy. Her essence, her soul. Her taste, her overwhelming love for me. For me! How could I deserve this? I kiss her gently, and wrap my arms around her small frame, pulling her body to mine. How long must we wait? I think briefly before a heat rises in my chest, through my whole being. I realize it's her soul I'm feeling, wrapping around mine. I don't care how long we have to wait. To feel this is better than any sunrise, any physical love. It's worth it.
Oh, is it worth it.