I'm With You, a sailor moon fanfic

I'm With You

Usagi shivered fitfully and wrapped her arms tight about herself, wishing idly that she had put on a jacket in addition to her sweater. The sweater provided adequate warmth in the chilly pre-dawn mornings when she ran to school but it wasn't enough this wet and windy evening. It had been a miserable day but a light of hope continued to burn in her heart. Just about everything good that had happened had been tempered by bad. It was very appropriately a Tuesday. Mondays were the general bad day of the week but Usagi preferred Mondays to Tuesdays because Mondays were days where things went wrong and you could get angry. Tuesdays were far more melancholy and disturbing, they were the bad days where anger flared occasionally but a strange and weary sadness usually surpassed the brief flashes of rage when things went wrong. Of course, it had all begun Monday night.

While sitting down at the dining table with her mother and father after her brother had finished his supper and gone to play video games in the family room her mother had voiced an innocent enough suggestion.

"You know, I think the only reason you're always running late in the mornings is because of the mess you call a room. If you had your clothes all ready and set out to be put on and if you could find your shoes and had your homework set out neatly on your desktop and if you weren't perpetually tripping over things – including Luna – then, why, I think you'd even be able to be early for breakfast most mornings!" Ikkuko had exclaimed, clapping her hands together enthusiastically while Usagi had blanched and backed away slowly from her mother.

"I think that's a novel idea," Her father noted. "You can get it done with this evening once you finish your homework and then tomorrow I'll expect to see you bright and early."

Usagi had bowed her head in submission, accepting the inevitable. "Okay, mama, papa, I'll clean my room."

She had finished straightening up her room after getting rid of all the garbage, washing and drying the dirty clothes lying about and putting away the clean clothes, working on her homework and setting it on her desk to grab in the morning, sweeping, vacuuming, and dusting. It had been exhausting work but her mother's proud smile when she had looked in at ten that night to tell her daughter goodnight had been well worth it. Sitting down on her newly made bed that night though Usagi discovered why she had never been too keen on keeping up appearances in her bedroom. Having her room in shambles meant that she never had to worry about time with nothing to do. It meant that she wouldn't be in a rush and sometimes she greatly liked being in a rush because it sure beat sitting around forever waiting for time to pass by.

It had paid off though because she had woken early the next morning. Unfortunately her brother was down with the bug going around and her mother was tending to him. The one-day she actually had time to sit down and eat a lovingly prepared breakfast and there was nothing hot to eat. The slow and steady drizzle outside had made the idea of cold cereal unappetizing. Since her father hadn't been gone to work when she came downstairs however she at least got to have some spicy tea with him.

On her way to school she had slipped and fallen into somebody, sending her unfortunate cushion into the puddle that had been her destination and of course it turned out to be that upperclassman with dark hair, blue eyes, and a smile that broke her heart. He teased her sometimes when she saw him at the Crown or on the street and though it wasn't necessarily good attention she was receiving from him it felt nice to be noticed by a guy a bit older and good-looking to boot. School had gone well for she hadn't received a detention and there weren't any quizzes or tests to worry about, and the one test she had taken a day before came back with 82% written in bright red ink next to a squiggly comment about nice improvement. Her mother would probably post it on the fridge.

Naru had started to cry though towards the end of the day because her grandmother had died the morning before and Ami hadn't been in any of the classes she shared with Usagi because she was testing in one of her advanced classes. Makoto had given her a treat during lunch and had been commiserating with Naru because the anniversary of Makoto's parents' deaths was barely a week away. Rei, whom Usagi had gone to visit after going with Makoto to bring Naru to her house, had been upset and Usagi had gathered that Rei's grandfather was ill. Rei never liked to show when she was worried but Usagi could tell that she was.

All in all it hadn't been a wonderful day, but there was still that hope inside of her. Every Tuesday for the past month there had been a youma attack at the park and though this Tuesday appeared to be an exception – perhaps the Negaverse didn't like the rainy weather of early winter? – Usagi hoped that she might still see Tuxedo Kamen this night. Maybe, just maybe, he would show up here thinking that Sailor Moon might be around. It was a long shot and Usagi knew that he likely wouldn't show unless there was a youma confrontation but there was always the chance no matter how small.

I'm standing on the bridge

I'm waiting in the dark

I thought that you'd be here

By now

There's nothing but the rain

No footsteps on the ground

I'm listening

But there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home?

Not far away Usagi could see the placid surface of the lake glimmer softly from the light offered by the few lampposts along the paths winding through the park, usually stationed near benches. A low moaning wind made the branches of the nearly bare trees creak and groan in protest, a few leaves fluttering sickly to the ground. Usagi thought that the autumn stained fallen leaves scattered across the black pavement of the narrow paths was very pretty, especially as the trails glistened from the rain and the leaves were plastered to the surface in a natural mosaic that made her breath softly in awe. Her breath turned to a curl of swiftly dissipating white fog as soon as it left her mouth and Usagi shivered again.

There weren't any lampposts at the ends of the squat little stone bridge she stood on, the nearest beside a bench about a dozen feet away, and the damp cold of the stone railing leached through her soggy sweater and turned her skin to ice. Normally she would be concerned about falling ill but since becoming a Sailor Senshi that didn't worry her much at all. Besides the advanced healing rate, it seemed as though the senshi were highly resilient to sickness, or at least those of natural origin. And anyway everyone knew that you didn't get sick when you wanted to be or expected to be.

Tuesday's distant despair threatened to engulf her as the magic of the moment slipped away and the darkness of her situation descended upon her. Waiting for Tuxedo Kamen was a child's excuse. She was out here because she was scared and lonely and wanting somebody to come and find her and take her somewhere safe and new. She was out here because she was confused and tired and stressed about proving herself as a Sailor Senshi and in leading her everyday life well. There were dreams she had and sometimes nightmares that none of the other Senshi seemed to be having and it frightened her a bit. Hazy and surreal whenever her eyes closed in sleep she would find herself immersed in a world both alien and familiar, both comfortable and uneasy in her surroundings and she thought that it might be memories. Luna had mentioned that she was remembering things about her job and that the girls ought to be as well, though she had also said that it was likely that the Senshi wouldn't remember much until the Princess was revealed.

It was hard enough being a Senshi at all but being a Senshi that Luna said never existed during the Silver Millennium? Being an unproven Senshi who was often in the way and screwing up more than helping? She desperately wanted to show that she wasn't wrong for this duty, wanted to show Luna and the other girls that she was just as good at dusting evil as they were. Sometimes, as strange as it seemed, it felt to her as if she was trying to live up to not just the other Senshi but also to the Princess.

It was a bad time to be fretting about Senshi business though because schoolwork was rapidly getting more challenging as the end of the year exams came upon them. It meant so much to her to make her parents proud of her grades and behavior and she had been struggling academically more lately than ever. She wanted to do well in her classes, wanted to be able to shove an A paper under her little brother's nose to stop him from teasing her about her scores, wanted to be known as an intelligent and hardworking student rather than the lazy dunce with her nose stuck in a comic book and her mouth full of goodies during class who apparently couldn't even tell time well enough to get to school before class began.

Unfortunately, there was also the part of her that felt that her grades were good enough and that she would be fine if she continued to coast through life. She knew that wasn't true even though she sometimes just didn't feel like doing her assignments or studying or trying particularly hard in the subjects she was having problems with. It seemed so much easier to blow stuff like that off, hoping that her better scores in her other classes would somehow round out the poor scores she received in the tougher classes. It was bad that she was starting to slack off more now because she knew she needed to develop better study habits for the future. High school was going to be a whole lot harder than junior high and then college would hardly be a piece of cake either and unless she knew how to work hard and learn well she would be sunk.

There were times when she really wished that she were as smart as Ami, or even Naru. Ami had worked for many years to get to where she was academically and Usagi knew her friend would be able to rely on the study habits she'd had for years to get her places in the future. Naru, on the other hand, wasn't a book-smart girl. She listened to things and took notes on things and worked with diagrams and examples with ease. She was the kind of girl who learned through others instead of by herself and her memory was excellent. Sometimes Usagi was really envious of Naru because it seemed so effortless for Naru to learn things, and she was jealous of Ami too even though she knew how much work Ami put into her grades and scores.

She wasn't that great athletically either. Ami was great at swimming, Usagi knew, because she had gone to the swim meets and watched her friend tear through the waters. Makoto was good at just about all sports and wasn't terribly shabby in the academics either. Rei was really good at karate and other athletics too and even Naru could play soccer well. Sometimes it seemed as though all her friends had distinctive strong points that they could focus on while she was sort of scattered, a jack of all trades and doomed to never be a master of any of them. All her achievements were "satisfactory" and "good enough" instead of "excellent" and "top-notch work". She felt as if there would never be anything that she would be good at where she wasn't overshadowed by one of her friends, or the mysterious Princess who, even though they didn't know who she was or anything about her, was assumed to be wonderful at everything.

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Won't you take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I…

I'm with you

Mamoru absently nursed a spicy tea liberally topped off with sake as Motoki bustled about the Crown at about ten o'clock. The sandy-haired young man moved with easy purpose, the routine of getting the place closed up so second nature to him that he barely had to think about what he was doing. Shrugging into his brown leather jacket and his keys jingling merrily in his hand, Motoki glanced over at Mamoru as he moved towards the lights.

"You about finished, buddy?" Motoki asked.

Nodding, Mamoru rose and stretched slightly, slipping around into the kitchen area and quickly draining his half-empty up and rinsing it before setting it aside with the other cleaned dishes to dry overnight. He grabbed his own jacket from the backside of the chair where he'd been sitting and joined Motoki by the lights, stepping out into the mildly stormy night with the other young man.

"Another day done. Three more days and it's the weekend, I can't wait." Motoki mused.

"Oh? Would this be because Reika will be having a lovely little dinner with you followed by a night of dancing and then a stroll through the streets of Tokyo before calling it a night?" Mamoru asked, smiling softly in jest.

Motoki grinned as well. "I suppose I've only told you about twenty times." He said dryly.

"Twenty-seven, but who's counting." Came the reply.

The two young men reached Motoki's car and paused at the driver's door. "Sure you don't need a ride home, Mamoru?"

"No, I'm fine. I need a walk to clear my head anyways. I've had a lot on my mind lately."

Motoki nodded. "I can tell. Well, if you need somebody you've got my number." He patted his friend on the shoulder. "Just make sure it isn't Saturday night."

Laughing, Mamoru swiped at Motoki's head and mussed his hair before offering a jaunty wave and stepping into the shadows and the blustery night. He waited until his friend had gotten into the car and driven away before continuing to the sidewalks and sighed lightly. He wished he could remember a time when he hadn't felt the necessity to ensure that his friend was safely in his vehicle and on his way home but Tokyo was a large city and crime was thus an issue. Mamoru would not be pleased if he left his friend one night and learned the next day that Motoki had been assaulted on his way to his vehicle. It was one of the reasons he usually dropped by after work and hung around until closing. Motoki was a good friend, someone who knew when to press for answers and when to ease off and let Mamoru find his words in his own time. A smile flickered across his face as he considered the warmth in his heart that came of having a true friendship with someone.

It was really quite nice. Oh, there were others with whom he could study or ask advice of or have cover for him at work occasionally but most of the others were more along the lines of acquaintances than friends. He wouldn't mind having more people like Motoki though, it was extremely nice to have someone know you so well and worry about you when you're not at your best even if you think you're hiding it well. It was one of the things he sorely missed about not having his parents around. There had been counselors and instructors, doctors and nurses, countless people who helped him greatly and probably cared a lot but it hadn't been the same as having a mother or father would have been.

Nights like this, nights where he thought about them – or tried to, at least – were nights he simultaneously anticipated and dreaded. He supposed his only real regret, besides that they died at all, was that he couldn't remember a thing of his life before the accident. His amnesia had been almost wholly complete. He had been a lot like a baby, relearning the things taught to you when you are two or three or four and it had been a struggle until he was about nine. Given that he had forgotten even the basics meant that he was prone to a great deal of teasing and insulting and he was also a lot further back than the other kids his age. Luckily he had proven to be a quick learner and rather brilliant in his own right. He had caught up with the other kids when he was about eleven and had gone on to surpass most if not all. His teachers had been incredibly pleased by his progress, and, though the jokes and slurs continued, it was to be expected. Most people didn't approve of strangers. Most kids resented the smarter children and laughed at the dumber ones and Mamoru had been both at one time or another.

Forced to accept the loss of his parents and struggling to do well in school and athletics and dealing with the other children it was no real surprise that Mamoru had become withdrawn and secretive. He had gradually grown less trusting of people after a few acts by his fellows and he grew to resent the doctors and nurses and instructors who claimed to want to help him and said that they were trying when he couldn't see the results. Separating himself from the others, he began to lead of life of distance and high ideals. He did well in school and sought to achieve status over everyone else in the academics if he was to never be a popular boy. Fortunately, Motoki had come along when Mamoru had been admitted to the junior high and, though distrusting and expecting only pain and abandonment, Motoki managed to work his way around Mamoru's defenses to become his best, closest, and oldest friend.

There had been times when it was only because he knew how much it would hurt Motoki that Mamoru kept himself from taking his own life.

Now, though Mamoru had worked to appear no different than normal, Motoki had picked up on the fact that something was seriously bothering his friend. And unfortunately this was one thing Mamoru couldn't tell Motoki about. For one reason, he supposed it was his main reason, he couldn't tell Motoki what was bothering him because Mamoru didn't rightly know. He had been having blackouts, temporary losses of consciousness or at least awareness and suddenly, a few minutes or half and hour later, he would wake to find himself somewhere completely different from where he had been. Accompanying the blackouts were the staggering pains assaulting his chest. It was how he knew he was going to blackout and was usually able to drag himself somewhere where he wouldn't distract or frighten anyone. The pains were sudden and terrible but luckily they didn't happen except when he was about to blackout.

Besides that he had been suffering from nightmares and odd dreams. The usual nightmares were ones about death and destruction, ones where he thought he could see his parents dying or where a disease struck Motoki or where some unseen and dark force was threatening the world itself. The dreams were something else entirely. He had been having those for a few years now, the same dream for the most part with just a few alterations from time to time. There was a tragically lovely young lady pleading with him to do something that meant the world to her, or there were burning red eyes and a stabbing pain through his chest reminiscent of a very bad wound. He sometimes thought he could see things in the mist that shrouded the lady of his dreams and her surroundings but the thick blackness that accompanied the bloody eyes and injury dream was absolute. The dreams and nightmares confused him greatly though he was beginning to think that the misty lady could help him learn about himself.

That was something he had forever desired. He wanted to know what his parents were like, what he was like, what his life was like before his parents died and he was left alone and deeply scarred. It sometimes frightened him that he was beginning to put such stock in the capabilities of a dream girl though. Maybe the blackouts and dreams were trying to tell him that he had suffered more permanent brain damage than just complete amnesia so many years before.

He glanced up at the dark skies through the chilly rain and sighed inwardly. It was a typical Tuesday and he didn't want to go home to face the empty place he lived just then. What he suddenly wanted, more than knowing about himself and his life, more than anything else, was for someone to come find and hold and comfort him. Someone to be there just for him. Just someone.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is there anybody here that I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home?

The storefronts were all dark, the only light provided by the lampposts at every street corner as even the moon and stars were in absence, clouds heavy with snow made the night darker than normal but it was vaguely appreciated by the young man walking by himself. Watching the sheets of rain coming down as he stood beside a lamppost he wished idly that he were watching the descent of soft and fluffy snowflakes. He'd always loved seeing the snow swirl and dance under the lights early in the morning or at night. The entrance to the park was not far off, the stone walls at the street side entrance laden with moss and the intricately wrought patterns of the heavy iron gates that were perpetually open were swathed in vines that shone a beautiful and eerie shade of green from the rain and minimal lighting of the evening.

It was hardly the greatest night to be wandering the streets and idly sightseeing but Mamoru was content to keep walking at his slow pace. He was in no hurry to get home, even if it meant catching pneumonia while out and about. The Crown was at a junction where the city met a few of the suburbs though there was no defined ending and beginning point of either section of Tokyo and the area he was walking in was always quiet at this hour even while the rest of the city was bright and busy in all weather and at all times. There were several other parks scattered about the city, some that were very nice and some that were elegant and pretty, some that were small and quaint and one with an amusement park centered within, but this relatively small and quiet one was his favorite. It wasn't the only one with a little lake or with paved paths illuminated by lampposts but it was surely the most beautiful in cherry blossom season and with the hills it sported it was a ton of fun in winter as well.

Gazing at it wistfully, imagining the place bedecked in snowy splendor or enchantingly blanketed with cherry blossoms, Mamoru sighed softly and wondered why it seemed as though time was flying by so fast while still passing so slowly. He shrugged the collar of his coat up and shivered slightly, making up his mind and dashing through the rain and across the street to slip into the sleepy park. A smile hovered on his face briefly, he felt uninhibited and sort of dangerous running about at this time and in this weather. Factoring in his long black trench coat and his dark slacks he imagined he would be frightening to anyone who happened to see him in the rain-splattered light of the lampposts. He felt a thrill of power as he embraced the idea of freedom that came of the night and chuckled beneath his breath before slowing to an easy walk again.

His carefree thoughts passed quickly however and, as he shivered again, his navy eyes darkened to nearly pitch, bright with tears he wouldn't shed. In all the movies where people like him had those little snatches of freedom and recklessness there was someone at their side. A pretty young woman who made the lead man see the self-destructiveness of his all work no play attitude towards life and who made him a child again for perhaps only a few minutes but the lesson would have been taught and the man's life would suddenly be heaven with the woman at his side and a new approach to life making it not simply bearable any longer but fun and worthwhile. His dark eyes flickered to his side where there was only rain and darkness. It was brutally unfair.

Oh, he knew there were girls who looked at him and saw a potential love interest and there were girls who looked at him and saw dollar signs, he had been approached several times by young women asking to date him and he'd turned them all down politely. He knew he was being stingy and probably securing a lonely future for himself but he also knew he was a hopeless romantic and to go against that would be cruel to himself and any girl he might choose to see as a result of that. He wanted to believe in fate and destiny and true love, wanted to believe that he could live a movie life and get the wonderful and refreshingly sweet girl who showed him that bright and happy way to live. He wanted one of those one-in-a-thousand chance encounters where he fell in love at first sight with the perfect girl, he wanted to find his soul mate and live happily ever after. God, he wanted to smack himself for being so sappy and pathetic.

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Won't you take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I…

I'm with you

Usagi shivered once more, not from the cold of the night this time but because she was turning to ice inside. She could cry, she knew, and no one would ever know because there was no one there to ask why she seemed so sad and besides that she could say it was just the rain anyway. Given the hectic double life she was trying to manage it seemed stupid to wish she had someone to love and care for her to toss into the mix. There was always the possibility that the Negaverse could learn who she is and go after her loved ones, and she knew that anyone she found herself with in a romantic manner couldn't be told the truth. She would have to run out on dates and lie and she did not want the hassle of all that. But that didn't change the fact that she wanted love very much.

Didn't everyone young girl want love though?

A little sob escaped her throat and her eyes burned though she refused to cry. She scrubbed her hands over her face and brushed a few stray hairs behind her ears. It was getting to be really late and she wasn't so certain any longer that her Senshi powers would keep her healthy. It had been incredibly foolish of her to try to run away from her problems and the people who cared but she had needed a few moments by herself to try and figure out the tangle that was her life. She sighed. Too bad thinking about her troubles hadn't helped her figure out a way out of them.

Why is everything so confusing?

Maybe I'm just out of my mind

Mamoru was strolling along the main path with his hands tucked in the large front pockets of his trench coat and his head hung as he walked. Motoki had once mentioned that he walked with his head down as if he was always tired and sick of everything. Truth to tell, Mamoru hadn't noticed until his friend had said anything and it was just normal for him to look at the ground while he walked. He supposed it could be an unconscious mannerism telling the world of his woes but it didn't matter at the moment because the park was empty and cold and wet and no one besides Motoki really cared anyway about him.

Why didn't anyone care about him?

He shook his head forcefully and tried to think of better things, his stellar grades or his after school job, but it didn't work. He hated times like these, times when the pit in his heart seemed especially deep and raw, he hated these vulnerable moments and he hated being so pessimistic in his thoughts. He had a better life than most, he was able to eat regularly, he had a job and was continuing his education, those three things alone were more than some people might ever have. Maybe if he realized how much worse life could be he would feel better about himself. Pondering that as a candle of hope began to glow in his heart he looked up to ascertain his location in the park and saw a figure leaning against the stone rail of the squat little bridge over the stream that fed into the lake not far away.

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this life

Won't you take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I…

I'm with you

It was a girl, that much he could tell, and apparently wearing only a sweater despite the conditions. A brief spasm of concern clutched his heart and he quickened his pace towards the bridge, worried but not wanting to alarm her either. He wondered at the best way to attract her attention without scaring her away in the process. He obviously couldn't just tap her shoulder and if he yelled she might bolt like a rabbit.

He reached the bridge and cleared his throat lightly. The girl, twin waterfalls of hair clinging wetly to her soaked clothing, turned enough to see him and her eyes narrowed in confusion a moment before a slight smile whispered across her face and she turned away again. There was something familiar about the girl, two balls of pale hair with ponytails reached to the backs of her knees and her eyes – were they blue or green? – that tugged at his memory until he remembered. She was the one who knocked him into the puddle that morning and the same girl he occasionally teased and angered.

Knowing that she wasn't going to be scared if she had recognized him he advanced and took off his trench coat, which was still largely dry because of the fabric it was made of and warm from his body, glad he had worn a thick crimson sweater as well. He draped it about her slim shoulders and felt her shudder beneath his touch. Gently, he turned her towards him and opened his mouth to say something, inquire about her business so underdressed or some such question, and found himself drawn into her deep blue eyes. He remembered watching irritation climb into her gaze before, remembered seeing laughter reflected in their depths, remembered just about every emotion other than this profound sorrow that seemed to dull the luster of her beautiful eyes. She was shivering violently beneath his hands and her expression was heartbreaking, one of a person struggling desperately to mask a sadness deep and terrible …and failing utterly under the watchful gaze of someone who had done just that seemingly all of his natural life.

Without thinking – he didn't think he had been thinking since first seeing her in the soft light from the lamppost a ways away – he bent down and kissed her cheek tenderly. Her eyes widened and her pretty little mouth formed a surprised 'O' as he straightened and frowned at her.

"Why are you crying?"

Take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I…

I'm with you

Usagi blinked a few times, her mouth closing and opening again. "I…" She paused, looking lost. "It's nothing, don't worry. It's just the rain." She whispered, wrapping her arms tight about herself.

He gave her a sad smile. "It's funny how you call your tears the rain." His eyes grew distant for a moment and he shook his head as if to clear it. "I don't know why but it hurts me when you lie."

Her mouth twitched briefly and she made as if to answer him but stopped, bowing her head. He reached out and tipped up her chin, kissing her other cheek as sweetly as he had the first.

She trembled and tried to close her eyes but he was suddenly taking her into his arms and hugging her and shock again threw her gaze wide. She was too startled to hug him back and she felt him shake slightly and wondered suddenly if he was crying when she heard him laughing quietly. "It's strange …all this time I thought you were supposed to be the one all sunshine and smiles who gave me a reason for life. I never really thought that I'd have to return your happiness first."

Usagi was puzzled but smiled hesitantly anyway. She wondered for a moment if she was really at home and asleep. This was the upperclassman that teased and taunted and gave her a way to release her frustrations and aggravations without blowing up on her friends and making them worry since she was never sharp with them. Was he …could he be …her heart ignored the realization her mind was trying to fathom and swelled with newfound love and her smile strengthened. Not worrying about the consequences she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed both his cheeks in quick succession. He blinked and looked down at her fuzzily.

"I can taste your tears through the rain."

Take me by the hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I…

I'm with you