Medea: A Comedic Tragedy
Scene: In front of Medea's house in Corinth. Medea's Nurse enters from the house. Medea can be heard wailing her grief in the background.
NURSE: Ah, how I lament the Argos invading our land of Colchis!
The sewage-ridden Symlegades,
And pelican-infested glades of Pelion
The smitten birds squawking their love-notes.
How I wish we never had heard of,
Let alone owned, the renowned
Dirt-Encrusted Rubber Titmouse
(What we usually refer to as DERT).
My mistress Medea, how she wails,
Why did she ever leave our adored land?
Why did Aphrodite weave her spell over Medea?
Why Jason, why the king and his son?
Why must we suffer such slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles?
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer –
Medea yells from off-stage.
MEDEA: Get on with it, Nursie!
I can't keep this up all day!
And stopping plagiarizing Shakespeare!
He hasn't even been born yet!
Just finish up quickly!
Medea is heard continuing her grief, though it sounds much less real and very forced.
NURSE: OK, let's get this over with.
Medea was bewitched by Aphrodite,
Fell in love with Jason,
Who used her magical powers to obtain the DERT.
Then, when they left, Medea's father
Gave chase, so Medea killed and cut up
Her stepbrother to slow him.
Talk about gruesome!
Now, in Corinth, Jason has forsaken Medea
And shacked-up with Glauke,
Creon's daughter, princess of the land.
Needless to say, my mistress is pissed.
Enter Tutor with Medea and Jason's two children.
TUTOR: Has she not yet stopped?
NURSE: Nay, she has only just begin.
TUTOR: 'Tis such sorrow.
NURSE: What is sorrowful, fellow-servant?
TUTOR: Nay, I shan't speak it.
Tutor and Nurse look around furtively before huddling together in the front of the stage.
TUTOR: Alright, so I was peeking into the women's showers…
NURSE: What sayeth thou?
I know thee not!
Away, vile creature!
Be away, feckless wonder!
TUTOR: Oh, hush up.
No one's listening.
NURSE: Just making sure.
So, what did you hear?
TUTOR: Creon is going to exile our mistress and her children.
NURSE: What a surprise.
With a temper like hers,
It's no wonder.
She'd kill her own children
For a chance at revenge.
TUTOR: Don't give her any ideas!
I shall keep them away from her today.
NURSE: Was there anything else?
TUTOR: Just that there's a blind man
And a manly-looking girl
Wandering the city.
Strange pair, though they've not met,
It would seem.
NURSE: Odd indeed.
Well, be off, for I fear
Our mistress doth approach hither.
TUTOR: Aye, I am away.
Exit Tutor with the children, who apparently do not speak. What good children! Enter Medea via the other side of the stage.
MEDEA: Ah, how I suffer,
How distressed I will forever be!
My love has gone forevermore!
Allow me to weep a little while longer.
Medea administers eye-drops to her eyes and then blinks them out again.
MEDEA: Oh, woe is my children and me!
See how I weep for us!
A plague o'er both your houses!
NURSE: (Aside) Now who's plagiarizing?
Nurse sticks her tongue out at Medea.
MEDEA: What was that?
Nurse quickly retracts said tongue.
NURSE: Nothing, nothing at all!
MEDEA: Well, at least, I can stay here in Corinth.
NURSE: Oh, about that…
MEDEA: Be gone, faithful Nurse.
NURSE: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Exit Nurse.
MEDEA: Great, now I can drop the fake depression.
Enter a Chorus of Corinthian women.
MEDEA: Or not.
Medea quickly administers more eye-drops.
CHORUS: Ah, poor woman,
How you must moan your pain!
MEDEA: Yes, 'tis a sad lot I am reduced to.
CHORUS: We will sing a lyrical ballad to your sorrow.
It will be as long as Father Time's beard
And with more gods and goddesses
Than The Odyssey and all the myths together!
For your husband has forsworn your bed
For another's and your children!
MEDEA: That's quite all right!
You needn't go to such trouble for me.
CHORUS: But we women must stick together.
Since we are helpless against everything,
We can only sing and dance.
MEDEA: Man, that's horrible.
CHORUS: It's worth it, truly it is.
Sometimes, we're the only ones
Who survive the play.
MEDEA: Um, the fourth wall?
Don't bang on it so hard.
Anyway, I'm going to pray for
Aid from the goddesses.
Even though I'll eventually be the one
Who does all the dirty work.
Enter Creon.
MEDEA: Speaking of dirty things…
CREON: Medea, you know that I am a fair man,
And I wish harm against no one –
Enter Oedipus, blinded, feeling his way to Creon.
OEDIPUS: Creon, my dearest Creon,
Is that truly you?
CHORUS: 'Tis Fated Oedipus!
Father and brother alike to his children.
He now wanders blind –
CREON: We know his story!
What are you doing here?
OEDIPUS: For my past sins, I venture forth,
A king no longer but a beggar upon the streets.
I heard the name Creon and had to come,
To see my dearest friend.
CREON: OK, Oedipus.
You killed my brother-in-law, your father,
And my sister Jocasta,
And you expect me to take you in?
Here, let me practice saying this:
I exile you from these lands!
MEDEA: Why do you need to practice?
Enter Antigone.
ANTIGONE: Father, is it truly you?
OEDIPUS: One of my darling children!
CREON: Don't you mean "sister"?
OEDIPUS: Poor blind, old, Fated, wretched Oedipus!
ANTIGONE: Oh, Father!
CREON: (Aside) Brother…
ANTIGONE: At last, I have found you!
I will take care of you until your dying breath.
This do I promise.
OEDIPUS: Child, I do not deserve such treatment.
Leave me here to wilt.
CREON: Nope, not here.
You've been banished from here, remember?
Exiled, banished, ostracized, alienated, estranged…
Only the first of many this morning, it would seem.
MEDEA: Why say such things?
CREON: I exile both Oedipus and Antigone.
OEDIPUS: Oh, you're no fun anymore.
CHORUS: We keep things proper.
And only three main characters are allowed
Upon the stage at any time.
We are over, so you must depart.
Not to mention that you two
Have wandered into the wrong play.
CREON: Can't argue with logic like that.
ANTIGONE: Come, Father, let us leave this wretched place.
CREON: Oh, Antigone,
Is your death in a few years still a go?
ANTIGONE: Of course.
As soon as he bites the big one,
I'll be right over.
Exit Antigone leading Oedipus.
MEDEA: That does it.
The fourth wall is history.
It's been nothing but dust
Since this entire play began!
Anyway, Creon, what do you want?
CREON: Remember what I said about exile?
How they weren't the only ones?
Wait, let me savor this moment.
Mm… Oh, yeah, here it comes…
Medea, I banish you and your children.
Oh, that felt way too good!
MEDEA: (Aside) With him in such a good mood,
I will ask his dying favor.
(To Creon) Oh, your majesty?
CREON: Yes, my dearest ostracized one?
MEDEA: Can you let me stay one day,
Just so that I can find arrangements
For children I'm eventually going to kill
To murder your daughter and you?
Oh, I mean, for my beloved children?
CREON: What? Oh, yeah, sure.
Take the rest of the day.
MEDEA: Thanks, ya' old fart.
CREON: What was that?
MEDEA: I said thank you, your majesty.
CREON: Oh, sure, no problem.
Gods, I feel great!
I should exile people more often.
Creon points and yells at a person off-stage.
CREON: Hey, you!
Yeah, you're exiled as well!
Exit Creon.
CHORUS: Allow our logic to prevail.
If he continues to banish his city,
There will be no citizens left.
But hark! Jason doth approach
With the glorious DERT
Held high in his hand!
Enter (rather, stumble in) Jason, holding the Dirt-Encrusted Rubber Titmouse high above his head.
JASON: How do you rid this dirty Titmouse
Of its rotten, wretched reek?
MEDEA: Oh, like I'm going to tell you that!
Jason flings the DERT off-stage. A woman screams from off-stage.
WOMAN: Agh! A Dirt-Encrusted Rubber Titmouse!
Somebody kill it quickly!
Jason shrugs and turns back to Medea.
JASON: I know you think I've done a terrible thing…
MEDEA: What? Abandoning the children,
Forsaking your wife,
Taking another woman to your bed,
Or exiling your family?
JASON: Um, all of the above?
MEDEA: Continue. I need a good laugh.
Why have you done such things?
JASON: I did it for our children.
MEDEA: Uh-huh…
JASON: They will now be able to live
Like princes and with royal siblings.
A moment of silence for Jason's fatal error.
MEDEA: Right… OK, listen carefully.
I'm angry, furious, and generally
Pissed-off.
But I'm going to pretend to be repentant
In hopes that you will allow me a chance
For my plans to be set into motion.
JASON: Sounds great.
Medea puts in more eye-drops and blinks before falling to her knees.
MEDEA: Oh, Jason! I have been foolish!
I now see that you only meant good,
Betraying sacred vows for a prettier face,
A younger body, and a princess.
Your thinly-veiled reasoning, I fully believe it.
For I am but a foreign woman whom you
Could never believe possible of deceit.
I am just a simpleton, after all.
But please, take our children in.
Allow our sons to bear gifts
To your fairest bride.
JASON: I don't see why not.
MEDEA: Fabulous!
While you're here,
What about my alimony?
Or child support?
JASON: Oh, look at the time…
Exit Jason hastily.
MEDEA: Grand. Everything's going spectacularly.
Enter Aegeus.
MEDEA: Aegeus! What are you doing here?
AEGEUS: Just here as an extra character
Who underlines the theme of
The importance of children.
MEDEA: Oh, alright then. Is that all?
AEGEUS: Yup. And offer unnecessary protection.
MEDEA: Even better.
Pause.
MEDEA: You can leave now.
AEGEUS: Right then. See you later.
Exit Aegeus.
MEDEA: Now, I will elucidate my plan
To the unsuspecting chorus.
I will coat a golden diadem
And a beautiful dress with poison.
My children will bear it to the princess,
Who will die, hopefully with Creon and Jason.
Exit Medea, mumbling about poisons and potions.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Should we stop her?
CHORUS MEMBER 2: How? We are but the chorus.
All we do is moderate and tell the history.
CHORUS MEMBER 3: Remember Agamemnon?
That chorus simply debated while the crime was committed,
Did nothing to stop the violence.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: But Medea…
CHORUS MEMBER 2: We can do nothing.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: She's going to kill them…
CHORUS MEMBER 3: We should stop debating.
All in favor, say, "Aye."
HALF THE CHORUS: Aye.
CHORUS MEMBER 2: Those not in favor, "Nay."
OTHER HALF OF CHORUS: Nay.
CHORUS MEMBER 3: Oh dear.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: This is useless!
CHORUS MEMBER 2: She's right.
Let's just use rocks.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Agh!
Screams heard from inside the palace. Creon is heard off-stage.
CREON: Oh, my daughter!
Why could you not resist Chanel?
Screams subside. Enter Medea.
MEDEA: That worked out wonderfully.
Nothing could go wrong now.
Enter Tutor.
TUTOR: My dearest mistress,
Do not harm the bearer of misfortune,
But your children are dead.
MEDEA: How?
TUTOR: You didn't put the poisoned dress
And poisoned jewelry in a box,
So they touched the poison.
MEDEA: Oh, that's what I forgot!
Oh, well.
CHORUS: Oh, children! Our fairest virtue!
What pains they cause!
What use are they truly?
A teenage male will eat you out of
House and home, and
A teenage girl will max out the Visa card
If she goes to the Mall.
Either way, your money's gone
Faster than water through a leaky sieve.
But why do people still procreate
If parents are destined to be poorer
Than church mice?
MEDEA: We still have polytheistic beliefs.
We have temples, not churches.
Chorus shrugs.
CHORUS: So sue us.
We're not too good as choruses go.
Enter Jason.
JASON: Medea! How could you?
MEDEA: How could I not?
Jason looks perplexed as he wonders if he should answer. What a surprise.
JASON: Cease such riddles, witch!
I will kill you!
MEDEA: Nay, lad!
For I now summon the powers of the
Deus ex machina!
Loud clang is heard off-stage, and a pathetic-looking dragon stumbles on-stage.
DRAGON: The regular deus ex machina was busy,
But I'm Percy.
I'll be your deus ex machina today.
MEDEA: Oh, damn.
Guess my powers are on the frizz again.
Medea jumps onto Percy, who whimpers.
MEDEA: I curse you, Jason!
You will die by being knocked-out!
JASON: That's not too bad.
MEDEA: Knocked-out by a timber
Of the Argos!
JASON: Crap!
Exit Medea upon Percy. Jason looks around, sighs.
JASON: Guess this tragedy is mine.
Oh, well.
Wonder if Antigone is still around…
Exit Jason. Chorus looks confused.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Did they just forget we were here?
CHORUS MEMBER 2: Looks like it.
CHORUS MEMBER 3: It's happened before.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Shouldn't we finish the play?
CHORUS MEMBER 2: Sure, why not.
CHORUS MEMBER 3: And they lived happily ever after.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Somehow, I doubt that…
CHORUS MEMBER 2: They lived unhappily ever after?
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Sounds a little better…
CHORUS MEMBER 3: They lived tragically ever after.
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Perfect!
CHORUS: And they lived tragically ever after.
The end.