Title: From me to you
Author: Shayla
Started: 12.11.2002
Warning: Slash, Rating for later chapter
Pairing: Definitely SS+HP, also RL+SB and HG+RW
Summary: (Angst) Harry has vanished from Hogwarts and his closest friends are looking from him. After years following the trail he left them, they uncover some of their friend's hidden secrets. They uncover those aspects of him he refused to let them see and the thing he fought the hardest to keep at his side. But will they find him in time?
Disclaimer: I'm a poor student who doesn't own anything that belongs to JKR. I can only claim the plot as mine
Thanks to: Anna-chan for beta the first two chapter^^. Any remaining mistakes are entirely my fault…
Chapter 1: Hermione's POVIt's cold and windy here in the northern parts of England. Maybe it's because winter is approaching.
I pull my jacket closer around myself and as we walk trough the small town, my husband lays a comforting hand on my shoulder. I have never been here before but I can feel the warmth of the people. They seem nice and they laugh and smile a lot. Or at least that is the feeling I get.
"Maybe we should look for an inn to stay." Says Sirius as he and Remus point at a small house with a vacant sign on it across the street.
Ron nods and we head towards it.
For a moment I wonder what I am doing here, in the middle of nowhere out in the cold rain. But I dismiss the thought as Ron leads me into the warmth of the house.
A woman, much younger than me, comes to welcome us. Remus takes care of renting the rooms for us while the rest of us enter the small, yet cozy dinning room where we are immediately greeted with hot coffee and wine to warm up.
I listen vaguely to the conversation the men have as my thoughts drift off on their own, again. It is nothing new; in the last years this has happened to me quite often. When I think of the past, I can relax. And although, there are many memories, which I would rather forget, I know that those experiences are what have made me who I am.
Yet sitting here with those three is not the same without the last member of our old trio. He left a vacant place that no one has been able to fill, and even if Ron says that we have to respect Harry's reasons for leaving without notice, he has been hurt deeply inside as we all were. Maybe that is the reason the four of us are here now, to look for our lost friend, a godson, a part of our family.
How many years have passed since I have seen Harry last? Too many if you ask me. I have lost track of the number or maybe I just don't want to confess to myself that an important part of my life has been gone for so long.
I don't even know when our drifting apart started. Was it during the years we worked as teachers side by side, or during the war before or was it even earlier, during our time at school?
I know that he always tried not to worry anyone; he wanted to be what everybody expected from him, to fulfill the hopes he saw in the eyes of the people. And it was this continuous pretending to live up to them that ate him slowly inside.
Thinking about it, I don't know what made him happy again. What reason he found to live again. After sixth year he became so enclosed in his own world that he stopped asking for advice, for help. I can still remember Ron saying to him that he couldn't keep everything inside, that he was just human after all, that he should let it all out.
It went on for years, so long that we - his best friends and closest relatives - started to see his strange behavior as normal. And maybe it was that that let the changes in his life go unnoticed. We unconsciously ignored the smiles that were returning to lighten up his face, the twinkle in his eyes when he joked, the life that had found his way back to him.
Yes, like a melted candle he gathered himself together again and became the Harry Potter we all so loved.
His secrecy remained though. He didn't want to spend time with us so often anymore. He retreated into himself away from the outside world. Of course we didn't care by then. We were all too involved in our own lives and the war to try to figure out his behavior. He became just someone in the crowd and thinking back now, I believe he was glad. He never liked being in the spotlight.
But I can still clearly remember the first time he declined Ron's offer to spend the holidays with us. Back then we both had though that he was going to spend it with Sirius, who had been freed of all charges. It was month later, when he came back radiating happiness, when Sirius asked what we had done with him to make him so happy, that it became clear that he had found another source, another pillar to lean to… and probably to love… But that though occurred to me much later.
And it took me another three or four months to notice that small golden ring on his finger and I think another week to see a similar silver one on a chain around his neck. When I tried to talk to him about it he changed the topic. He did it with such wit that I didn't notice until he had already left that we had come off the true reason for our conversation. I never pushed the subject though. I figured he would tell me when he thought the time was right. I didn't bother to tell Ron about it either.
We were in our late twenties when the war finally broke out. Harry, as expected was in the front, accompanied by Albus and Severus. Those two stood by his side all the time protecting him.
Hmm… The war… it cost us many friends and loved people. We suffered a great loss with Albus' death, but Harry remained and he had won against the Dark Lord. No one knew what the final battle had been like. Albus had died by Voldemort's hand and Severus refused to tell.
It took us almost a year to recover lightly from the damage that had been made to our souls. Minerva took the position as headmistress and re-opened Hogwarts, which had been almost completely destroyed during the war. Harry and I returned to teach. I, to take McGonagall's position, and Harry to return as Potion's teacher, after all Severus had gotten the Defense Against the Dark Arts position when it became obvious that the children were not prepared well enough to fight back the dark forces. And who better to take this position than him? I have to smile still at the thought of Severus handing his dungeon to Harry Potter. He had been nervous and yet somehow content. Harry had assured him, that he wouldn't blow it up and that if he ever felt lonely the doors were always open to him, after all the Severus was still Head of House of Slytherin.
I don't know when it was that Remus pointed out to me that Snape wasn't living in the dungeon anymore. He though it funny that with the change of position he had moved out and given Harry free hand to do what ever he wished with his former home. But Harry only went to teach in the dark and humid place. He rather enjoyed the idea of being allowed to stay near the Gryffindor Tower, like me. Then again, I was Head of my House….
I think it was short after I had given birth to my second child, when I was thirty-two, that McGonagall and Snape had that huge fight. Both were so furious with each other that Snape left the school and said that he would never come back. Those of us of the staff who remained were shocked. Snape had left slamming the door behind him and Harry had gone right after him looking rather pale. Sirius, who had taken the position of History teacher just to be around his godson and obviously Remus, our Herbology teacher, had asked as first what the fight had been all about. Minerva looking rather stressed had said that it was because Snape refused, now for two straight years, to let his daughter attend Hogwarts. How could he teach here and not have the confidence that they could offer her the best education? She had magical abilities like his father and she should attend one of the Wizardry and Witchcraft schools. But the DADA teacher was against it. He didn't want his daughter to come here.
To say that we were just a little taken back by this would be a lie. We were shocked to say the least. Sirius had made a rather rude comment on how anyone could dare to have a child with Snape. But Remus had quickly shut him up by boxing him on the side.
Minerva then explained to us that she herself had not known about this until the list of students that had potential to attend Hogwarts had arrived. She had been rather surprised herself to find the name of Melphina Snape on one of the pages.
Well, Snape kept to his word, he did leave and the position of DADA became vacant again. But to our dismay no one came even close to being such a good teacher at this as Severus. I think it must have been then that Harry started to retreat into the little four walls he called his home. He spend most of the day there, not coming out, not letting anyone in. From time to time he would join us in the Great Hall to eat, but he preferred to keep to himself.
Sirius and Ron, on my behalf went to see him and ask what was going on. They stormed his room after he had closed the door behind him. Knocking the door out of its hinges after removing every single protection spell and they made their way inside to find the room empty.
No one had actually ever been in Harry's little world. Except for a bed and a desk with some books on it the room looked as though no one lived in it. No personal belongings what so ever, not even clothing.
This perplexed us, Harry was nowhere in the room and there was only one-way out of here, the door unless you wanted to count the fireplace, but Hogwarts had been cut out of the floo-powder system. After an hour or so, the two of them left leaving the room unchanged and returning the door and some of the spells to their respective places.
Late that night, I found Harry sitting in the kitchen reading a book and drinking a cup of tea. I joined him and asked were he had been. He looked quietly at me over the top of the book for a long time before answering 'Home'.
Of course I wanted to push the matter and tell him that I knew for fact that he had not been in his room, but that would only give my husband and his godfather away. So I remained silent, watching him. My eyes wandered over him resting again on the ring on his finger, which was now joined with the silver one I had seen years ago around his neck.
Sirius had told me on one occasion that the golden ring was the wedding ring of one of Harry's parents. It had been the only thing he had been able to recover from that terrible night that lay now almost thirty-seven years back. This, of course, had left me wondering, where the other ring was and whose was the silver one.
And that night again, sitting with Harry in the kitchen the questions returned to me. But before I could ask he locked his green eyes with mine again and I had the feeling that he was looking straight into my soul, seeing every singly secret I had there. It was as though I lay open as a book to him. He looked away after a while and exited the room leaving me motionless on my seat.
When people told me that Harry's eyes were like the green light of the Unforgivable spell I always laughed, but that night, I understood. He had let me see the calm storm that resided in them, a darkness and danger that was just waiting for a reason to out leash out. Coldness had been in them as never before, or maybe it had never been directed at me. When I was finally able to move, my body was trembling as thought it had been under some spell. I pushed myself unsteadily to my feet. His eyes had been a warning and I knew he knew we had trespassed on a forbidden part of his life when Ron and Sirius had dared to enter his room. His eyes had been a warning, a silent plea to let him be…
My attention is brought back to the present as my husband squeezes my hand painfully. I turn to him and he loosens his hold.
"You seemed lost." He whispers to my ear as he kisses my cheek. "It's late we should go rest for today and start looking tomorrow morning."
Sirius nods and he and Remus get up to leave for their room leaving Ron and me behind.
"So, were you thinking of Harry?" he asks.
I nod. "Was it so obvious?"
He smiles lovingly but does not answer. We retreat to our room as well and as I lay next to him my mind drifts off once again.
I think it was during my youngest son's third year when McGonagall called us together. Harry had been in his rooms locked for days and he didn't come out nor did he answer. We were starting to worry. But that day he came with us into the staff room. He was pale and looked, as though he hadn't slept for days. We were concerned and watched him from the corners of our eyes but he just let himself fall exhaustedly on the chair near the fireplace turning away from the rest of us. He closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands. I had the urgent feeling to rise from my seat and take him in my arms. He looked utterly alone. But I remained were I was.
Minerva then told us in a few words that Severus had passed away a couple of days ago. And it was then that Harry broke into tears. He cried the way I have never seen him cry. It was as though his soul was trying to break free. It was an unrestrained scream for loss. And when I looked at Harry I cried, when I looked at the people who knew Severus I cried, but I think I cried the most because I had witnessed the loss of someone important to my closest friend and I could not help him with his pain.
It was the next day that Harry disappeared without trace.