I look at the sleeping figure next to me. His features calm and yet I know that for many years now, he has done nothing but search for a lost part of his life. A part of his life that he lost sight and control of without realizing that he did. It slipped away so slowly that he didn't notice.
I don't think anyone realized Harry was drifting away from our reality until he suddenly vanished without notice… without trace.
As I pass my hand trough Sirius's hair I wonder if I should have told them what I had been seeing, the signs Harry had been giving us over the years. His plea for love and companionship, the urge for a family to bond to that we all had but which was denied to him.
I can still remember the last time I saw him, broken in that chair in front of the fireplace. His world seemed to have suddenly crumbled around him and the air filled with his silent cry for help, which none of us could give him. And maybe it was that, which made him flee…
I cannot really say, over the last years we have all drawn our own conclusions on Harry's actions, maybe we have all come to the same results, but we don't dared to talk about it, afraid that we might do more harm than good. Words are power and power can be such a dangerous thing…
When I look back into the past, I think I lost track of his true self after Voldemort's first big attack during Harry's 5th year. He remained unusually calm about it, as though it didn't matter to him. He threw Sirius' warnings aside saying that he would face the Dark Lord when the time came and why should he bother annoying himself to death expecting a trap every step he took?
Careless… Yes, he had become careless, or at least that is what I thought then. But now, I don't think that was it. I believe he was sick of running, of being afraid, of being treated like a little porcelain doll on a silver tray. And it was back then, that I saw his interest wander to the people around him. Looking for someone… someone to hang on to and to protect and be protected…
And it wasn't Sirius.
As much as he must have wanted to be thankful to his father's best friend, Harry must have known that it would not be enough on the long run. It was then that I saw the first signs of love lingering in his green eyes, brightening slowly. Of course, since Sirius and I were working for Dumbledore in secret I was not able to tell who that desire was directed to, but I was sure that if he had found the right person he would tell us, or at least his friends.
I was wrong…
I think it was during his vacations that same year that something wonderful must have happened to him. Sirius had told me that Harry would be staying at the Burrow with Ron's family, but when I met Ron after the summer break he asked me what we had done to Harry that he was beaming with joy, although he seemed to try to keep it at bay. This of course surprised us, but Hermione told us, that it didn't matter where Harry had been; the important thing was that he was back to his old self.
I think it was that same year that I asked him about his personal interest and he answered that he just was grateful to have another day to live. I was taken back by his reply, a child of his age shouldn't have to be afraid of dying, to have to be thankful for each day he survives and can scratch off his calendar. It pained me to see my friend's son this way. I wanted, as much as Sirius, for Harry to have a normal life, like any teenager, the way we had had. But destiny had other plans for him, and there was nothing any of us could do to change that.
Was it then, that I got a glimpse of the silver ring hanging on a chain around his neck for the first time? I believe so, but I wasn't a year or so later that I saw it entwined with the one James had given Lilly on his finger. And it took me, god forgive me, another five or so until I found its match on the most unexpected places of all… Severus Snape's hand.
Hmm… From that day on I tried to get a closer look at them, but to be true, there was not much that indicated that there was something between them…
I mean, as expected Severus accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Surprisingly he continued teaching Potions as well; then again, I don't think anyone will ever be as good as him in that field. He worked himself sick and Harry… Yes, Harry had remained as teacher's assistant in school while his friends had gone off into the world to make their own lives. The boy had stayed behind helping everyone, but mostly Snape. If I recall correctly, they even started to call each other by their first names…
I watch Sirius stir in his sleep and it brings me off my line of thoughts. I take a deep breath and murmur some soothing words into his ear to relieve him from whatever nightmares were going to plague him tonight… again, and as he calms down, my thoughts return to the past.
The Christmas after Harry's first assistance-year in Hogwarts he left for the holidays and did not return until the first day of school. As a matter of fact Snape had left too, but I thought it was because of Voldemort's annoying little war game, which cost me many friends. Harry and Severus had returned the same day, the younger man looking rather exhausted. Come to think of it, Severus had smelled the way James had smelled when he was around Lily all day while she had been pregnant. It was an intoxicating smell of hormones and magic being born. The way Hermione smelled each time Ron made her pregnant, although not so strongly. But I didn't really register it since I spent most of my time traveling for Dumbledore, even after he offered for me to stay and help out at the school instead of spying.
I'm a wolf, I like the pack, but freedom is also important to me. I need to move, to breath the air, and Hogwarts, although I have always seen it as my home, is a magical prison to protect those inside.
So, of course by the time I returned after my mission almost a year later, the smell was gone, but replaced by that off a newborn child. And Harry smelled just the same, maybe more intensely, but I though that it might be due the fact that he was spending so much time helping Snape and also because Hermione's child had been born a little while back.
God, Harry had set his mind to teach Potions, while the Potions Master would dedicate his teachings to DADA. It was obvious he had to spend time with the old git… old man… Really, Sirius rubbed off on me, I shouldn't refer to someone I learned to respect and be sort of friends with in that way. Especially, if he has already passed away…
But didn't McGonagall tell us years later about Snape's daughter? Could it have been that? Could Harry have been involved in all that somehow? I don't know… Harry retreated into his own universe that I don't know if I'm even right with my assumptions…
I mean, during the war, there was no time to worry about him, really; we were all so caught up in battles and our self-preservation that his behavior became normal; his distance was nothing new then. So that even after Albus' death and Hogwarts' re-opening, everything seemed to be all right. Sirius and most people qualified Harry's attitude as a normal side-effect of being forced to grow up too fast. An after-effect of the war, as Minerva so nicely put it.
During the years after, he slowly opened up to us again, spending time with his friends, his godfather and me. But at the end off the day he would always retreat to his rooms. I don't think anyone ever entered them. He had made it quite clear to us that he didn't want to be disturbed there. That those walls were a sanctuary to his mind and no one was to trespass it.
Funny, though, when I recall now the many times he spend with me while he and Severus took notes on the improvements of the Wolfsbane potion they smelled like each other. Then again, that all might have been coincidence. They were colleagues after all, and both Potion teachers. Why should they not smell alike?
I roll to the side putting an arm around Sirius and resting my head on his shoulder, hoping to find sleep soon. But I know that is just wishful thinking, the moon is almost full and distracting me.
Bringing my mind back to my previous thoughts I recall the day Severus left the school and Harry rushed after him. The next day, Harry was awfully tense and in a bad mood that continued for days. The students were starting to say that the curse that had lurked in the DADA position, not allowing a teacher to remain too long there, had drifted off to the Potions'. That Snape had cursed both, the Defense's position for his own personal wish and the Potions' out of old grudge against the Potter's. And true, Harry's mood was no better than Severus' would have been back in his school days and the students learned, after loosing almost 350 house points total in a week, that the Hero of the wizarding world should better not be messed with. But as those weeks flew by, just as time does, almost everything returned to normal. Except, Harry did not leave his room if not to give classes or attend a staff meeting.
It was a few years later that we took notice of Severus again and only to be told that he had passed away and to take with him the Boy-who-Lived into the darkness. Not to return to us again…
But eventually secrets have the tendency to seep out. And so it became a matter of time before we could get information on Harry's whereabouts. I know that we looked for him for years, but how could I explain to Sirius that if someone didn't want to be found he would most likely succeed, especially if he was as powerful as Harry? He didn't give up on looking for his godson, and I had to witness him break apart slowly. Blaming himself for not being able to steady the other man, to aid him when he had needed him the most. But I think, it was more the guilt towards James that made him determined to continue the search. And his oh-so-stupid-stubbornness, that almost cost him his health, rewarded him with information.
Someone had seen a man resembling Harry's description and that is why we are all here in this miserable place in the middle of nowhere now. The reason for which I accompanied them, and I guess, the last bit of hope that has remained in us to ever see him again.
I put my hands behind my head as I take a look at the night sky trough the window. It's snowing. Tomorrow will be a cold day. Let's just have faith that it will allow us one bright light to take into the future, to show us the path ahead…
To show Sirius that there is still hope… otherwise… It might destroy him…
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So what do you guys think? Should I keep writing on this or just give up… *sighs* I have an outline of the next chapter, but I'm not sure whether to continue…
I would like to hear what you guys think…
Shayla