I'm terribly sorry that it took me this long to update, but I had some troubles with my computer and I almost lost all the information I had. -_- Thankfully a friend fixed it this week again and I can go back to work on my stories.
Okay, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks to Lexi for checking over my mistakes ^^
Enjoy~
Chapter 5: Harry's POVIt is a cold winter morning outside. The snow has covered the landscape around our house and I can still see it falling as I gaze outside through the kitchen window. I smile sadly. Winter and snow always make me feel nostalgic. It reminds me of many wonderful moments I shared with Severus. Then again, almost everything can remind me of him. Everything, especially this house and our family, all I hold dear.
The house is usually noise at this early hour. My daughter Mel has her own bookstore in town and she's terribly busy now that Christmas time is coming closer. James, my grandson, already left a few minutes earlier since there were a few things he needed to pick up at Humstall, the school he teaches at. So I am left behind to keep an eye on Lily since she's pregnant and due to give birth anytime, and her first son… Severus… Named after the man who was so much more than just my husband, my friend and lover… He was a part of me.
I hold many memories of my life precious, but the ones I hold close to my heart are those that my soul aches for to have back: the moments with my husband. Severus and my life was special, we fought and had our differences, but I also knew I could count on him for whatever I needed. He was my strength and the reason I kept on living even when I had been totally broken. He came to me and picked up the shards that were left behind by Voldemort and so many others. He gathered those pieces carefully puzzling them back in order with all the love he had and I did the same for him.
The story of our life is long and it certainly wasn't easy. We had many obstacles to overcome. Voldemort had cursed us both when he found out about us. We had been so careful to keep it secret, I didn't dare confine in anyone, not even in my own family. And yet, somehow he found out and in the final battled he send all his hate and anger towards us. We never knew for sure what the old bastard had done, but we came soon to learn that if we would tell others who cared about us, that we were happily together, the curse would kill those we cherished before our eyes.
But what pained us most was that the curse continued on in our daughter, giving her part of our memories. She became a child trapped in thoughts that were not her own and we had to watch as it tore through her consciousness, scaring her away. It took much strength and patience from the both of us to assure her that she was safe, that there would come no one to harm her. That we indeed loved her with all out hearts.
My great-grandson comes down the stairs looking sleepily and sits down at the table mumbling a good morning. I smile at him and hand him his cereal. I watch him yawn as he reaches out for the milk to pour it into the bowl. The boy is so much like Severus, and yet so different. By appearance they might as well have been twins and no one would have seen the difference, but my grandson lacks the inner aura of superiority and strength his great-grandfather radiated.
I settle in my chair across the table and my thoughts drift away to the past.
During the course of fifth year I learned to respect Severus and eventually fall in love with him. He still treated me in public like the worst thing that had ever dared to cross his path, but I was aware that this was due more to Voldemort's rising than because he wanted to.
That year, the Dark Lord had made his first official appearance and the Ministry found themselves forced, by the strength he had gathered, to let Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix take over the coordination of their defenses. I was sick of running and hiding from Voldemort. I was tired of being played with like a puppet, not only by the people who wanted me dead but also those who tried to protect me. I had lost my will to continue after the Tri-Wizard's Tournament and I didn't want anyone to come close to me. I feared they might hurt me and that being my friends might cause them to lose their lives as Cedric had. No one could make me come out of those walls I started to build around me and I thought that I had finally reached my peace when Severus grabbed me one night in my wanderings through the halls. He dragged me, while I kicked and screamed, into an empty room throwing me against a wall in fury.
I was completely startled by his sudden display of anger. His normally cold eyes were burning with a blazing fire that I felt something I had believed lost to me. Fear.
He had me pinned with his hands on my shoulders against the castle's stone wall, his face barely an inch away from mine and I remember clearly that I truly was scared of him. I thought that he was finally going to get rid of me as others had so often accused him of wanting. I couldn't move, neither could I speak, the only thing that I can actually remember was that I stared at those coal black eyes that seemed to be flaring in blazing emotions I had never seen in them.
"You stupid little brat!" he hissed at me. His voice causing chills all over me, I wanted to hide somewhere from him, where he would never find me. "You think this is all a game?! Everybody risking their lives for you so that you can simply shrug their hard work away and play your insufferable almighty self?!" If anything he came closer and I tried without success to flee his grip, his hands had me trapped painfully.
"Professor you're hurting me," I whined, scared, my heart beating wildly in my chest.
He didn't seem to have heard me, his eyes glared still at me. For a while neither of us moved, but finally he let go of me and I slid stumbling into tears to the ground, unable to control myself any longer.
"Have you any idea what we all risk for you?" his voice was no longer harsh; it was sad. "Don't you even consider what others feel?" I barely heard this sentence, but it stopped my sobbing sounds and I glanced up at him, his face hidden in the shadows of his long hair; the only movement I saw was the trembling of his clenched fist. Wiping the tears off my face I didn't know what to say. We remained looking at one another for a while before he turned away from me heading to the door.
"I'm scared." I called after him. I don't know why I said those words, only that they were the truth residing within me, a truth that could not be replaced by any other words.
And he turned back to me opening the door. "Aren't we all?" he asked softly and left me alone.
After that night I began to wonder about his words, they wouldn't leave me, plaguing my every waking hour and at night, the darkness would creep into my dreams. I started to become nervous and I tended to become easily annoyed and angry. The lack of sleep was affecting my actions and I even ended up collapsing in class. Madam Pomfrey was forced to give me one of her strongest Dreamless Sleep Potions and I recall vaguely being drugged for various days into unconsciousness. Yet, that didn't help. At night the dreams would return, not as intense, but still strong enough to cause me to wake up screaming in my bed. There was always someone sitting by the bed at night. During the day I was sure that it was always Sirius but at night, I couldn't tell. The scent of grass and nature that I recognized at that of my godfather was not the same to the one who held me in his arms rocking me back and forth when I awoke disorientated and afraid of the nightmares. The smell was different; it was a mixture of various herbs. Back then I was simply too much drugged by the draught Madam Pomfrey had sedated me with to realize who it was that came every night to watch over me when I was alone.
And then I realized that I was never truly alone. That whenever I thought that there was no one Severus was always around somewhere watching me and letting me know that I could count on him. And so when I was released I started to use him as my pillar. We started just talking at first and before I knew it I had completely fallen in love with him. During those days I still kept close to myself not daring to open up too much, but I had no secrets anymore to Sev, only the one of my feelings for him.
I smile as my great-grandson finished his breakfast.
"Hey, grandpa, are we going to buy mama's present today?" he asks, his black eyes looking curiously at me. The childish innocence that I'm still after all this years not used to see in them. I always expect my husband's eyes…
"Of course." I say reaching out for his plate to clean. "Just get dressed and I'll tell your mom we will be back in no time. If you're back than less than five minutes I even buy you one of the new flying brooms we saw for Christmas."
He grins and jumps to his feet. "I'll be right back!" he says while running back upstairs.
"You do spoil him grandpa." Lily comes through the door of the hallway smiling sheepishly at me. "I though we had agreed not to do that?"
I shrug. "That's what parents are for. That is your job." I say as she comes and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Grandparents are there to spoil children." I grin. "I don't remember you complaining when your grandfather spoiled you and your brother rotten."
She waves dismissively at me. "That is something else."
"Is it?" I raise an eyebrow amused.
She rolls her eyes smiling. "Don't buy anything too expensive!" she tells me pointing with her finger at me. "You hear me."
I raise my hands in defense. "When would I ever do that?"
She narrows her eyes. "When you came back home last week with a new tool kit for both your broom collections you have downstairs. "
"That was last week?" I give her my most innocent face, the one that always irritated her grandfather, and I know her too because she just sighs passing a hand over her belly.
We hear the sound of small footsteps coming down the stairs and Sev appears wearing a long cloak around him and a dark green cap to protect his ears from the cold winds outside. I feel a pain in my chest, remembering when I had last seen my husband dressed very similar. It must have shown in my face, because Lily comes and rest a hands on my shoulder with concerned eyes, but I shake my head and walk over to the little man picking him up and sitting him on my shoulders gaining a joyful squeak of him.
And so we leave the house and I Apparate us both to the outside of our small town since our house stand on a hill farther outside surrounded by trees to protect it from unwanted sight.
Small hands lay in mine as Sev starts to talk to me about his upcoming entrance to school; he's very exited about it. I listen vaguely to his words as I watch the snow fall upon us.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about Severus and the past. Almost as if to recall my most precious memories again to remind me that I did find happiness in life.
I make our way through the main street, greeting the people who know me. Actually everyone knows my family and me. Severus told me once that it was necessary to trust these people enough that when the time would come they would protect us from unwanted visitors. And so we helped everywhere we could. They figured out we were not normal and shortly after they even knew we were wizards. But they respected our wish to not get it spread around in public.
Sev tells me to stop at the toy store and I let him down following him inside. The store is not very big, but most children come here because they are allowed to play with the things in the store. So this place is usually very crowded. A woman greets me, I think she's a friend of James, but I can't tell for sure.
We start talking while I remain watching Sev play with the other children. She tells me about her upcoming marriage and invites us to come over. I smile, congratulating her and then I remember who she is. She's one of James older girlfriends, no wonder she seemed familiar.
I retreat behind the counter and enter the back of the store where I'm always greeted with a hot coffee and some biscuits. It's amusing that I'm always greeted with a warm welcome wherever I enter in this town. Maybe that is the reason I stayed here even after there was nothing else keeping me after Severus's death.
The storeowner tells me to wait here if I find it too loud in the store and I nod thankfully watching him return to the counter.
I turn to look again out of the window; it seems to me that the snowfall has gotten stronger. My thoughts drift away again and I find myself recalling another fond moment of my life.
I recall our first kiss. It was at Hogwarts, it had been after he had returned from a long trip to do Voldemort's will. I was outside sitting by the lake where I knew he would eventually find me if he needed to talk about what had happened. I never pushed my presence upon him when he returned, knowing that it might do more harm than good, since he was usually not in a very pleased mood. And so I had taken the tendency to meet him here if he needed my support. Even though, I have to admit, it was painful not to run to him and let him feel how relieved I was for his safe return.
It was already dark outside and the sky was dark as well, no single star could be seen, for that it was too cloudy. I sat there on my father's cloak hoping that he would find his way to me out here as he had so often in the past. I needed him more than I probably should, and yet, I still had not told him such.
I put my arms around my legs, glancing over the calm surface, knowing the dangers lying underneath it. I feel something wet land on my hand and I look up to the night sky. Soon the rain would come pouring out, but I would still remain here, waiting.
The amount of drops increased and my hair was already hanging wet down my face. I stood up and picked up my father's clack into my hands and walked over to one of the trees searching for some cover against the rain. And I still waited. An hour or so the rain continued, I felt my body trembling from the cold and I was very tempted to use the cloak to cover me, but then, Severus might not see me when he would come. I sighed and closed my eyes trying to control the cold that I felt by concentrating on warm things like the sun, the beach and a hot tub.
Suddenly I felt myself pulled forward and I'm pressed against a strong chest. I look startled up and meet his barely visible dark eyes.
"Insolent child," he said as he wipes with his hands some of the water of my face. "You're going to catch your death out here."
I can't help but smile and I stand up on tiptoe and greet him with a kiss on the cheek, which he returned. We have taken to this unusual habit, after I had picked it up during some holidays in Spain. He pulls his cloak over me and I snuggle up to the warmth.
I never asked about his missions, I respected his doings as long as he came back to me. I had become depended on his presence and whenever he left I felt that he took a part of me with him. I don't know if he felts the same, but I didn't need to either. I just need him…
We truly were strange, although we might as well have returned to the castle we remained there standing in the rain like some fools, but I cherished the moment anyway.
Finally he spoke. "We should return…" and I nodded.
We walked next to one another back and we stopped at the door to say goodbye. My glasses were fogged by the weather and I was already dripping wet. I took them off and cleaned them before putting them back on, but to not much help. I sigh and leaned forward to kiss him goodbye. And to my surprise I met his lips. I flinched startled back and blushed.
"I'm sorry I didn't see you. " I stammered not lying. I blinked as I realized he said the same.
I whipped my glasses with my fingers clean again and I could see through a blurry vision that his face was flushed as well. He opened the door as he saw me looking at him and said his goodnight retreating into the castle.
I don't know whether I grinned out of happiness or because I didn't know better, all I can recall is that I felt like walking back to the tree and let it happen again.
Getting Severus to trust me enough to let me come close to him had not been very easy, but I eventually succeeded. During the time between this moment under the rain and the one in which he caught me in the hallway, we both learned to believe in one another. It was awkward at first, we both were afraid of being hurt in some way. Severus, being a person who had often enough in the past been betrayed by his own beliefs, and I, by the people whom I trusted in moments in which I most needed their support.
We sat in his office, he was giving me detention, but some time ago, it had turned into a talking session rather than a really academic instruction.
I reached out to him with my hand, not sure why, but feeling inside that I wanted this contact. He twitched from my touch and I was unsure whether I had been to forward in this. Back then I didn't understand how much I had become attached to him and I certainly wasn't interested in pushing him away from me as I had my own family. I still don't understand my own actions after so many years. It's not that I couldn't come up with reasons, but it has to do with the fact that I don't think that those were the reasons I would have considered at that age.
And so I reached out again for his hand, this time Severus let me, looking with confused emotions in his eyes at me. And I spoke: "You frightened away from the first contact, right?" I don't know if I meant him or me with this. "Are you afraid? Scared of human contact?" But I guess I spoke for both of us then. "If you do not know others, then you surely can never be betrayed and you will never be hurt. Yet you will also never forget the meaning of loneliness." These last words I spoke not looking at him because they were about myself. I wanted to let him know that he had given me much more than anyone else probably could with his care for me, that I really appreciated his effort and that he had made me forget the emptiness I had carried for the last years with me. He had made me somehow whole again. But it was still too early to say it in those words.
"Humans always feel pain in their hearts. That is also the reason why they find life hard…" I told him after a while that he had remained in silence holding on tightly to my hand.
And he replied with the voice I so loved. "You are fragile, like glass… especially your heart…"
"Me?" I didn't understand.
"You deserve kindness." He continued and caressed my cheek.
I locked my eyes with him leaning closer to him and wondering out loud: "Are you afraid?"
"I meant love…"
I'm brought back to the present as my grandson comes running in his face flushed and sweaty, he and the other kids must have been running around the store again.
"Grandpa, can we go to the bakery, I forgot that uncle James said to bring him some pretzels. You know not the salty ones but those with sugar and cinnamon." He says catching his breath again.
I smile and stand up. "Well, if you're ready, we should be going anyway. We can't leave your mom alone for too long. We aren't sure when you're little brother is going to come. And it would be bad if no one was around, right?"
He beams at me stretching his arms out for me to carry him and I do so sitting him back on my shoulders.
The streets are full of people and I find it comforting. Sev pats my head pointing at the bookstore across the street as we continue our way. And I suddenly freeze seeing a red-haired man glancing at the display window. Impossible… It couldn't be… I take startled a step back and bounce into someone behind me. Whirling around I excuse myself and make my way away as quickly as possible shaking my head. No, it couldn't have been Ron… It simply couldn't be…
"Grandpa, are you alright?" Sev asks looking down at me and I nod.
"I just thought that I saw someone I knew, but… I was mistaken…" Was I really?
He pats my head again. "Grandpa, we walked just past the bakery."
I glance back realizing he is right. I reach up and lower him to the ground. His dark eyes fix on me curiously and I push him on to go inside following him close behind. Once again I'm greeted warmly and I am asked to sit down and drink something with some of the costumers. I oblige after giving my order and having the boy who helps out handing me James' pretzels.
"Say, Master Snape, have you heard, there are some strange folks looking for you in town," says an older man who I remember to be one of the kid's schoolteachers.
I try hard not to blink. "Are there?"
"Yes, four strangers if I heard correctly from the Misses at the Inn," says another man; he owns the broom store that is to the public eye nothing more than a grocery store. His father was a wizard and he inherited it from him, and if I recall he went to school with my daughter… I can't tell for sure, lately I don't come often into town…
"A woman and three men," says the wife of the baker as she sets a few glasses of warm wine at our table. "One of them was here earlier, asking for Harry Potter," she looks at me. "It was a tall man with dark hair and very dark blue eyes. Of course I told them, there was no one named like that in town."
"Well, there isn't," they laugh and I join in. Yes, Harry Potter is a name I have long ago left aside, the moment Severus and I moved here.
I stand up. "I have still some things to do, if you would excuse me." I nod to them and call out for Sev who comes through the crowd towards me. I take his hand and we leave. My heart is pounding rapidly in my chest as I realize that I wasn't mistaken. The man I saw was Ron and the one who had been moments before here was probably Sirius and that meant that Hermione and most likely Remus were here too.
"Hey, Sev, we have to hurry up because your grandpa just remembered something important he has to do at home." I lie; I just want to flee. I don't really want to see them. But that is a lie too. The pain and joy in my chest tells me this.
"But grandpa!" he pouts, he likes being here. "Can't I at least go visit Sean, his mom has him helping out in the café."
I sigh, Sean was his best friend and since they had holidays they hadn't seen each other for a while. "Fine but not too long, okay."
He grins and runs through the mass of people in which I can barely follow. "Sev! Severus slow down!!" I call after him, but I know it's futile; he is surely already out of hearing sight. I sigh and walk through the crowd pulling my jacket closer around myself. The wind is terribly cold today.
Finally I reach the café and Sean's mother greets me at the entrance. I look, surprised, at her.
"Good Morning," I say.
"Ah, Master Snape, how are you this morning?" she asks with a warm smile
I return the smile. "I'm fine."
"I'm sure you're looking for your little one," she says as she rubs her cold hands against her arms trying to cause warmth to her body through the friction move. "They went over to the grocery, they were talking abut trying out the new brooms they brought this week," she nods her head slightly to the side. "I believe it was the Dark Flight or something like that."
"Dark Fire." I correct her. "The names come from the dark red wooden color the broom has."
"Well, I don't understand that much about that kind of stuff anyway," she replies shrugging. "If you don't mind, I'm freezing out here."
And so I make my way, wishing that I don't have to walk into anyone from my past. I can't risk it. Not as long as the curse is still active. I don't want to witness any more deaths than I have already had to in my life and there were a lot if one considers how Voldemort took pleasure in sending me his torturing sessions via dreams.
But as Severus liked to tell me so often, I do attract trouble more than a normal person should. And I become painfully aware of it as a hand stops me and I turn startled around to meet Sirius Black's eyes.
I leave with Sev the grocery store leaving Sirius behind. I can already feel the pain in my chest increasing as the curse starts taking its course. Sev's small hand rest in mine and he glances unsurely up to me. I believe he senses the effect my godfather had on me, and the changes this meeting would bring into our lives.
I look up to the sky letting the snow cool my face and hearing the faint echo of a familiar voice.
"Maybe I was born to meet you." The words my husband spoke one night to me after we laid in each other's arms searching for comfort and rest. "The pointers of the clock cannot be turned back, but you can change their position with your own hands…" he loomed over me and his dark eyes shone brightly with all the love they beheld.
I knew what he meant; we had to choose a new path to follow after the war had ended, a path that would assure our children a peaceful future.
And I reached out for his face bringing it closer to mine trying to emit with this how much I loved him. "Life means change."
"Grandpa?"
I'm brought out of my thought once more. "Yes?"
"Are we not going to mom's present?" he asks with his dark eyes in concern.
I kneel down next to him and lay a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe we should wait for your uncle to come along. He might have a good idea of what to buy."
He thinks this through; I can see it in the way his expression changes. Just like Severus… The pain in my chest strikes out and I can barely keep it from showing in my face.
"Okay…" he replies and I stand up. Taking a quick look around I Apparate back to the house. Normally I would never think of doing such in public, but I need to make this pain stop somehow. We enter and I tell Sev to go check on his mother while I go down into Severus', now James's, lab looking for something to ease the pain. Grateful to find what I need I gulp the content of the vial down.
My thoughts are fuzzed up within my head and I don't know what to do. I grip onto the table trying to remain calm as the potion starts taking it's effect on me causing me to feel nauseated. I know it won't help for very long, but what else can I do?
I close my eyes as memory after memory is replayed in disorder in my mind. A particular one comes up very clearly, one of my daughter's childhood.
"I…I had a nightmare!" Mel sobbed in my arms, her body trembling in fear and I realize that she must have dreamt about one of our pasts.
Severus took her face in his hand and turned her to face him. "Mel, listen to me carefully, now."
She nods still crying, her fingers clenched into tiny fists against me.
I see him caress her cheek with his thumb whipping the tears from her face. "There is a small light inside you, Mel. Whenever the dark creeps into you, lit it on and hold it up to hush it away. Believe that what you dream is not real, that it is merely a trick that your own mind plays on you."
"But…" she sobbed more. "But what if it won't go away?"
Severus smiled encouragingly at her. "Light and Dark belong together since eternity. When the darkness scares you and you show her your tears it will become greater and bigger and it will fall over you winning over the light. Mel, when you wish to defeat the darkness that is in your heart then you must always let that light that lives in you shine brighter. That is very important."
She had looked with big eyes at her father before turning to me searching for truth behind the words Severus had spoken. I leaned down and kissed her forehead nodding with a warm smile. Her body relaxed against mine after a while and I lowered her back into her bed. Severus pulled the covers up and passed a hand through her hair.
"We'll leave the light on, alright?" he said as we stood at the door of her room.
She nodded as she curled to the side closing tiredly her eyes. Weeks later, when she awoke screaming again and we ran to her side to comfort and she asked us to shut off the light when we would leave. We were surprised, we knew she feared to be alone in the dark, but she answered with all the courage she could find: "I will let my light shine brighter… I will try!"
I don't know if I felt prouder of her or my husband that night.
The pain ceases as I reopen my eyes. I take a deep breath and go back upstairs where Sev is already looking for me to play with him. Lily joins us in the living room as the boy takes out our old chessboard and starts arranging the pieces in order to play. I take black, so he moves first.
Lily sits next to me and lays a hand on my leg. "Are you alright?" she asks quietly for her son not to hear.
I shake my head knowing it to be useless to lie to her; she learned quickly from her grandfather how to see past my mask.
"I'll tell you later." The potion is numbing the pain, but the memories are still flowing rapidly through my mind making it hard for me to concentrate on the game.
Later in the afternoon the other members of our house return and I retreat into the winter garden searching for some peace and quite since my head is banging terribly and the potion lost it's effect. I sit in my rocking chair and take out the diary my husband gave to me many years ago. I pass longingly my hand over the dark and silver carved surface. Closing my eyes I feel the pain in my chest return, and I know it won't be long before the curse will come to take me.
Life was never easy on me and it certainly wasn't going to leave me without bringing the most painful moments of my life once more into my thoughts. And what else to choose than the death of the person I loved more than I ever thought I would.
And so as I close my eyes I recall the moment in which I suddenly I couldn't hold back my tears any longer and I cried. I wasn't ashamed of it. People do laugh when they feel like it; why not show the opposite too. Someone handed me quietly a handkerchief. I remained silent and took it. Maybe I should have thanked them.
"You're the worst!! You simply disappeared!! You idiot!!" I cried desperately. "You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings as so many others have!!"
He would surely have answered my insult…
Tell me Severus, how am I to fill this emptiness inside?
And I had the feeling to hear his voice: "It will always be there, but you can try to forget it and make new memories to cherish, Harry…"
I open my eyes seeing the faint figure of Severus smiling at me. And I smile back as the pain disappears.
Severus extends his hand to me. "Harry…" his voice just the same as I remembered it. "Everything will be fine now."
And I know it to be the truth. After so long I finally am able to join our hands. "Yes…"
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AN: so how did you like it? I left the part of Harry's and Sirius conversation out because I'm going to write it in the next chapter from Sirius POV ^_^
I'll try to publish sooner from now on, I'll really will try.
BTW, I remember someone asking where he or she can find my other stories that aren't here on fiction net. They are on my friend's page, the link can be found in my profile. But at the moment, the page is being rebuild and there isn't much up but some fanart.
Ya ne
Shayla