Watching Gourry's reaction to her whispered confession, Lina decided that telling him had been wrong. While combing out his hair, she had felt so comfortable being near him. It just felt right. And for the first time in days, she hadn't needed to consciously attempt to distract herself from the memories. She had somehow managed to let go of all her concerns and she just was. She enjoyed the way sunlight glinted off his drying hair as she dragged the comb through it, the feel of its texture underneath her hands, the warmth of the sun on her back. She hadn't realized how relaxed she was until Gourry spoke. At that moment, she knew she faced a choice. Over the past few days, she had put so much energy into trying to pretend things were fine. . . which meant holding Gourry at arm's length, not letting him get too close or he might pierce her thin veneer of normality. But that isn't what had happened. She was close to him, and everything was better. She didn't have to pretend that she was fine, she actually was fine. Maybe if she told him what was bothering her instead of trying to avoid the subject, maybe they could stay like this. Maybe she wouldn't have to feel so tied up in knots and alone.
Maybe she was wrong. As horrible as the memories and the nightmares were, Gourry's expression when she told him was worse. Watching his pain made her feel like a stone golem had wrapped its hand around her heart and was squeezing it into a pulp. She wanted to vomit. She wanted to collapse. She wanted to scream out in agony. But most of all, she never wanted to know that she had caused him such suffering, ever again. Once, I chose the Gourry over the world. Now, I choose Gourry over myself, she thought. As he turned away from her, she stiffened her resolve and concentrated on rebuilding the barriers that would allow her to hide her own personal trauma from Gourry, and eventually (hopefully) from herself, as well.
By the time Gourry asked her to tell him the rest, she was prepared, and she refused. But somehow, that just made it even worse. She wasn't sure how she expected him to react, but for some reason, his anger was completely unexpected, and when he described the details of their battle, she wasn't quite sure what to think. As he advanced on her, she thought for a moment that he would hit her, but his final words hit her harder than any blow. During the time they had been together, she had seen Gourry annoyed, arrogant, teasing, insulting, depressed, but mostly . . . calm. Nothing seemed to bother him much. He had never yelled at her before. He had growled at her for dressing him up as a girl (especially when she and Amelia teased him about the "Great Hero Valun") but he had never yelled at her. Even when she had let him think she was dead, to get Kanzel to lower his guard, he hadn't yelled at her. He just looked at her reproachfully and asked her to consider his feelings next time.
This time, Lina was thinking about his feelings.
She thought that she could just smile and talk to him calmly, just as she had with Sylphiel when she asked where Gourry was. She would tell him inconsequential things, like the way Zangulus had suddenly shown up in the middle of the fight, demanding Gourry's presence, like he wanted another rematch. Things that wouldn't hurt him, like how they found Sylphiel before he attacked. But somehow, once she started talking, she couldn't stop until she had told him everything. She couldn't stop until she had told him how she had failed. Because that was the last thing she remembered: Phibrizo's laughter as her body was pierced by thousands of needle-sharp objects, the agonizing realization that she had failed, and then . . . nothing.
Lina knew that Phibrizo's last attack should have killed her. She also knew that somehow, she had survived, as had all of her friends. In the aftermath, when they were all gathered together talking, she was so relieved when Martina and Zangulus had shown up, because it provided a welcome distraction from questions, and from the knowledge that in the end, she had watched Phibrizo kill all her friends before he killed her as well. Lina had been genuinely relieved and happy that everyone was alright, but she also wondered why she was still alive. Although she let everyone think that she had somehow managed to save them all, as fitting with her image as a Sorcery Genius, their belief in her made her feel all the more hollow inside. With time and distance from Sairaag, she had been able to put these thoughts aside, and to regain at least the veneer of her former confidence . . . until Gourry suggested this journey, that is.
So when she told Gourry that they had all been killed, she was lashing out at herself. In his silence, she felt reproach and lost herself in bitter self-recriminations. But his next comment could not have surprised her more. "So that's why I need to go to Sairaag," he said. "If we're all dead, I need to go get our lives back."
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Author's note: I'm sorry, really I am! I wanted to move the plot along, but Lina insisted that I retell the scene from her point of view. (She flat out refused to let the plot advance until I agreed!) Honest, I really don't mean to tease!