Thanks again to Flarn for Beta-reading!
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Lina leaned back into Gourry's arms, outwardly still, but her thoughts continued to circle endlessly. She had been wandering aimlessly about the ruins of Old Sairaag for most of the day, no longer able to take the waiting and inactivity at Sylphiel's. Unable to watch the shrine maiden go about her domestic chores, hoping that Gourry would be okay . . . that he would wake up and still be Gourry. Sylphiel had done her best, but the head was such a special part of the body, and it was impossible to predict the effect of a head injury. Some people seemed normal, but were given to sudden unpredictable bouts of violence. Others couldn't remember who they were or anything about their past. One time, she had visited a curio shop in a small village. The proprietor had given her quite a good price on a small collection of rare coins she had found, after she had given him an earful for referring to her as a little girl. He had seemed quite nice, but when she went back later that day, he acted as if he had never seen her before or bought coins from her, and greeted her once again as "little girl". Lina's shrieks of frustration had brought his wife into the room. It turned out that his head had been injured years before, and he remembered everything before the accident fine, but he couldn't remember anything that ever happened after.
Lina wondered what she would do if Gourry's mind had been injured, if he couldn't remember her or if he acted like a different person. Would he still want to be with her? Would they still fight over food? Would he remember that he had planned to protect her for the rest of her life? What if he never woke up, but spent the rest of his life in a state of sleep? And even worse than the "what if" questions was the knowledge that anything that happened would be her fault. It didn't matter that she hadn't intended to hurl him straight into a tree . . . she was the one who had cast the spell in a moment of frustration. Lina didn't want to imagine going through the rest of her life without the Gourry she knew. It would be like those days when Phibrizzo had Gourry, but with very little hope of rescuing him. She could see herself becoming like Zelgadis, always bent on finding a cure, to turn Gourry's mind back to normal.
By mid-day, Gourry still hadn't awoken, even though he had been asleep for nearly a full day. She couldn't take Sylphiel's quiet, her calmness, or the underlying sadness, any longer, she just had to get out. So she wandered about the ruins of Old Sairaag, wondering what it was Gourry thought he would find here.
She knew what she found here: reminders of failure and humiliation. Standing by the shallow pool of water, she realized that this was place where her memories picked up again, where she had found herself standing on an arch in the circle of Gourry's arms . . . she had been so relieved . . . until Gourry had yelled in her ear, as if he had no idea what he was doing. Her reaction had been typical, her normal tendency towards violence amplified by the humiliation that Zel and Amelia, and Sylphiel, had seen Gourry's reaction, had seen him reject her. So she had rejected him even harder. All an act, to cover up the disorientation and pain she was feeling. That time she hadn't hurt him. This time . . . her tendency to hurt first and think later could have much more dire consequences.
"Lina." Gourry's voice was very low and deep, right by her ear. She realized there were tears coursing down her face, she could see dark spots where they had dampened the leather of Gourry's arm guards. She stiffened, but Gourry didn't release her. If anything, he tightened his grasp, but it was surprisingly comforting, not painful.
"Lina," Gourry repeated her name in that same solemn voice. "Do you know where we are?"
It seemed like such a silly question, and she started to bite out a stinging retort, but stopped herself and gave a curt nod instead, not trusting her voice.
"This is where we kissed for the very first time."
"What?" Lina turned around in his arms, wondering if her display of temper the other day actually had damaged his mind as well as his skull. His face was drawn, like he was in pain, but his eyes were clear and alert. They were also . . . hungry. Time seemed to slow as she felt Gourry's hand tilt up her chin. All thoughts of what his cryptic statement meant fled her mind as his face inclined towards hers, and her eyes drifted closed, seemingly of their own accord. Her breath hitched in the back of her throat, and then she felt his lips, gently brush over hers. Just a feather-light touch . . . and then he pulled his head back. Lina opened her eyes to see Gourry looking at her very seriously. He cupped her face with his hand and brushed away the tracks left by her tears. She leaned her cheek unconsciously into his caress.
"Then you decked me, and I landed in that pool of water over there," Gourry jerked his head in the general direction of the pool.
Lina blushed. "I . . . I mean . . . you . . . they . . ." She stopped and took a deep breath. When she opened her mouth again, Gourry covered it with his index finger, forestalling her.
"It was dark, for a long time, and I couldn't do anything about it . . ." Gourry's eyes stared off over her shoulder, focused on something only he could see.
Lina considered his words, her brow furrowing as she tried to make sense of them. "Gourry . . ."
"The first thing I saw was you." Gourry continued as though she hadn't spoken, although his gaze had shifted, and now he held her eyes with his own. "But it wasn't you. You were glowing golden and the way you were talking . . ." He swallowed convulsively. "You said Lina was gone . . . you had sacrificed yourself . . ." Gourry paused, and then whispered, "you had sacrificed yourself for me."
Lina recoiled. She could hear Sylphiel telling her gravely that she had sacrificed all that she was, and she remembered what she had been thinking, just before she lost control of the Gigaslave. She had just wanted the power to defeat Phibrizzo, no matter what its source. What happened to her was irrelevant, as long as she could save Gourry . . . that was the only thing that had mattered to her . . . she had watched Phibrizzo kill her friends, one by one, powerless to stop him . . . she hadn't even tried to cast the Ragna Blade on him . . . until he had tried to shatter Gourry's crystal. Then, the only thought in her mind had been to save Gourry. Nothing else was important.
"Then you started to leave." Gourry drew a ragged breath and continued. "I chased you, but I could never catch you, no matter how hard I tried!" His voice cracked with remembered anguish.
Something pulled at the edges of Lina's memory, a tattered impression of Gourry calling after her as she moved further and further away. It was like a scene from her nightmares, where she was surrounded by golden blackness in an endless sea of blue, and no matter how hard she tried to change direction, or answer Gourry, it was if her will was not strong enough to overcome the force that dragged her away. She had always thought that nightmare had come from when Phibrizzo had dragged Gourry away in an inky cloud of darkness, but now she wasn't so sure.
"When she took you away from me . . . as you faded away . . ." Gourry closed his eyes. Lina saw something glisten on his cheek. "I had never felt so alone. You were gone, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I wished I could fade away, too."
Hesitantly, slowly, as if she were pushing through a thick barrier, Lina reached out, and mimicking Gourry's gesture from earlier, she laid her hand on his cheek and wiped under his eyes, feeling the moisture of his tears seep into her gloves. In her mind's eye, she could see him without his armor, hunched over and hanging his head, as she shattered into a million pieces. She should not have survived that sundering of her being, but somehow, she remained aware, and she struggled against the urge to drift into nothingness. Do not fight it, a sonorous voice had surrounded her, covering her the way a mother covers her children when she puts them to bed, making it even more difficult to remember who she was or what she was doing. Be at peace. Be one with me. She had started to relax, and then she felt it: Gourry's despair crashing over her. It had stung, like a slap in the face, but it had reminded her that everything she was, everything she had done was to save this man who was now suffering as a result. Instead of dissipating into the Sea of Chaos, she drew closer to him, moving against the currents of anguish that flowed outwards like ripples in a pond. She struggled to rebuild her fractured awareness, stubbornly exerting her will against the compulsion to relax and let go. And then suddenly, she had heard the same voice again, sounding both petulant and grudgingly respectful, giving her leave to return.
"I came back, didn't I?" Lina tried to keep her voice from shaking as her fingers traced a pattern across his cheek and over his lips.
Gourry shuddered, making a sound that was both a laugh and a sob, then he caught her hand in his own, halting her tentative exploration. "You remember?"
Lina shook her head. "Not really . . . sort of . . . it's like the memory of a dream. But I'm here, so I must have come back, right?" Lina faltered. Gourry continued to hold her hand, idly tracing a pattern over her knuckles. The ghost of remembered anguish was still in his eyes, but there was something else there as well, lurking behind iron restraint.
"Yes, you came back. You just kinda fizzled in from a rainbow shimmer. And you smiled at me, the first time I'd ever seen you look so happy. It was the first time I had ever seen you so open and undefended." Gourry smiled at her, his eyes bright with remembered emotions, his voice as soft and intimate as a caress. "And then we kissed." He paused, and Lina couldn't read his expression. "Then you threw a vicious right hook that sent me flying."
Lina looked down. "So you said earlier."
Gourry tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him. "Why did you do that, Lina?"
Lina blushed, but she met his gaze defiantly. "Why did you jerk away from me?"
"I don't know." Gourry had the grace to look embarrassed. "I think I was confused, and I couldn't figure out how I was holding you." He ducked his head. "I didn't remember then how we got there. I think I didn't want you to hit me. And you did, anyways. You said I had stolen your innocence. I was scared that you remembered something that I didn't."
"And that's why you jerked away?"
Gourry nodded. "Why did you hit me?"
"Does it matter?" Lina wished he would stop focusing on it so much. Even more, she wished she could forget that it had been reflexive, and the exact opposite of what she had wanted.
"Oh, it matters, Lina." Gourry's intensity surprised her. "It matters to you, and it matters to me."
Lina stared at him a moment. "It just happened. I didn't want you to let go . . . and everyone was watching . . ." Lina trailed off but she didn't look away. Her words were an admission of vulnerability. They were also a feeble excuse.
Gourry didn't say anything, but Lina caught a flicker of exultation in his eyes. The intensity of expression didn't change, but it shifted from tight restraint to one of self-satisfaction that verged on being smug. Then, in one smooth movement, he sat down, crossing his legs, and pulling Lina into his lap. "So where does that leave us now?" Gourry cradled her with one arm, while he ran his other hand through her hair. His voice was pitched low, and his touch was so intimate. Lina wanted to sigh and relax into his arms, but it just seemed too prosaic.
"I'd say, it leaves you in a rather dangerous position," Lina pitched her voice low, but her hand snaked around the back of his neck and the mischievous glint in her eyes changed her words from a veiled threat to a subtle challenge.
"But that's just the problem," Gourry twined a strand of her hair around his fingers. "You are a dangerous woman. Every time I try to get close to you, I seem to end up flying through the air."
Lina slid her hand along the back side of his head, gently feeling the place Sylphiel had healed, and drew her fingers back when Gourry inhaled sharply and winced. She brought her hand around to his chin and tilted his head so that she could see both of his eyes. "You're not flying through the air now." She held his gaze, all traces of teasing gone as she made a silent vow.
Gourry's eyes widened, and Lina wondered if he understood the promise she was making. "I realized a long time ago," Gourry freed his fingers from her hair, stroking errant strands from her face, "that all the times you hit me, it was your own way of showing affection . . ."
Lina laughed softly, but without humor. "More like trying to deny that there was a connection between us, keeping you from getting too close . . . not the best way to treat someone you . . ." Lina broke off. Gourry said nothing, but his hand moved from her hair to her shoulder, and then trailed every-so-slowly down her arm. His touch was gentle, but it was far from innocent, and it made her jumpy in a way she couldn't define. She had the strongest urge to throw both arms around his neck and drag his face down to hers . . . After a drawn out pause, Lina sighed.
"Gourry," Lina tried to focus both his attention and hers, so she could say what she needed to say. She clasped his hand in hers to prevent it from distracting her further, an effort that backfired when his fingers began to caress the back of her hand, and she found herself concentrating on his touch. "Gourry," she repeated.
"Yes, Lina?" Gourry lifted her hand to his lips, speaking between kisses placed on her palm.
Lina shuddered in pleasure, and made yet another attempt. "I . . . I . . . I have to tell you . . ." her words trailed off, and in the back of her mind, a small part of her wondered what had gotten into Gourry that he was acting like this, and why she was letting him keep the upper hand, but the rest of her mind, and all of her body was screaming at her to let go and just enjoy this closeness, to accept what she had wanted for so long.
Gourry smiled at her, both languid and feral, and he pulled her violet glove off, gently kissing her bare fingertips. "Tell me what?"
Lina drew in her breath, trying to gather her wits yet again, and then groaned when she felt his lips moving along her neck and up to her jaw line.
"Tell me what?" Gourry repeated. He pulled back, but regarded her with a smug expression.
Lina just stared at him mutely.
Gourry chuckled low in his throat. "Imagine that! Lina Inverse speechless!"
Lina stiffened and tried to pull herself out of his grasp, but once again he held her in place, so she settled for giving him one of her patented death glares.
Gourry was unperturbed by the violence her expression promised and tapped her on the nose with his index finger. "Would you ever let anyone else hold you like this?"
"No." His question was so unexpected, Lina answered before she even considered her response.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes," again she answered without thought.
Gourry sighed. "For the past few days, I've watched you close in on yourself, going somewhere I couldn't follow, suffering from demons I couldn't protect you from." Gourry paused, considering his next words carefully. "Do you know what I forgot here? That thing I needed to come back here and find?"
Lina shook her head, waiting for his answer.
"I forgot that when I took you in my arms, you gave yourself to me, completely and without reservations. I had to come back here, so that I could find you."
He leaned forward then to kiss her, but she stopped him by placing her hands gently on his chest. "I promise," she said fervently, "I promise that I will never hurt you on purpose again, with my magic or my fists."
Gourry smiled, and the feral look returned to his eyes. "But Lina," he drawled, "how else are you going to show your affection?"
"I'll figure something out," she purred as she ran both hands up his chest and around his neck, and then pulled him down to claim the kiss she had been waiting for ever since she and Gourry had returned from the Lord of Nightmare's Sea of Chaos.