Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I really own the Legacy of Kain. Hey, maybe I own Asia!
Thank you all for the reviews!
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
Chapter 5: Like I give a rats ass!
Where we left off: Mike got sucked into another dimension. Kain and Ryan are on their own, and make their way to Steinchencroe, I hope that's how you spell it.
On some dirt road.
Ryan: I'm hungry.
Kain: I'm bored...
Ryan: I wanna kill someone...
Kain: I wanna rule all of Nosgoth as its sole monarch.
Ryan: Like that'll ever happen! (Sees a sing in the distance) Sweet, we made it!
Random townsfolk: Best be on your way, stranger! There is danger further past!
Kain: Like vampires?
Random: Screw vampires! There having the annual chile cook off! The town's stench'll haunt the dead for years!
Ryan: Really? I want to eat some chile! Then I'll get the khaki's, then I'll get laid!
Kain: What the hell is the point on that? I'm the title character!
Ryan: That's why I need the khaki's! When fangirls see you, they go 'Oh Kain! I'll have your child!' and when they see me 'Who the hell are you, another fic writer?' It's driving me nuts!
Random Person: Then ye'll be joining the cook off? I'll have to start digging up another grave if this keeps up! Hahahahaha- (gets kicked in the knee by Kain) Ow!
Kain: To the cook off!
Ryan: (sarcastic) What would I do without you, Kain-sama? (To himself) Other than get laid...
Kain: (wanders away) Yeah, yeah... do what you want.
Kain finds his way to the raving old man.
Psycho: Come, come vampire! I fear you not.
Kain: It's because I'm a damn smurf, isn't it?
Psycho: Well, yes and no. I wouldn't be afraid of you if you were a vampire, but I wouldn't want to hug you.
Kain: What precisely are you making, old man?
Psycho: You see, it's the strongest chili ever, and I need to test it on a non living creature to see the effects.
Kain: What else am I gonna do? (Sits down) Spoon me your damn chili old man! I fear not!
Psycho: (like Yoda) Oh, you will... you will...
Kain: (quirks an eyebrow, and brandishes a ladle) Vae Victus! (Scoops some up and eats it, then staggers away in agony, clutching his stomach) What the hell did you put in that?
Psycho: The mold that has been developing under my ass for the last fifteen years. I hardly had to boil it!
Kain: Bloody murder! (Passes out)
Somewhere else in town.
Ryan: Let me get this straight. I help you win by surviving every other contestants clearly poisoned chili, and you make me a lifetime supply of it?
Ned Flanders: Absapositively!
Ryan: In english?
Ned Flanders: Okelydokely!
Ryan: In japanese?!
Ned Flanders: (same crap, except in a different language)
Ryan: In Nosgothic?
Ned Flanders: Sorry, got me there.
Ryan: (eating a big ass bowl of chili) Huh?
Ned Flanders: Never mind, the competition is starting!
Ryan: Say what?
Ned Flanders: You want the chili, right?
Ryan: We'll I hardly think I'd be standing next to you if I wasn't getting something out of it!
Ned Flanders: Why would undead scourge want chili anyways?
Ryan: To keep the fic running. (Mutters) Author's an asshole.
Malek: (magically beside them) I hear you.
My Voice on the wind: Hey..!
Ryan: You hear that?
Ned Flanders: Ooh, an angel! I'll get you a five alarm!
Malek: (spoons some up and pours it into his helmet) Five alarm my ass! This isn't even rated as an alarm chili!
Ned Flanders: I know!! I'm a failure!
Voice outside: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Ryan: Bring out your dead?
Ned Flanders: Ooh, that's you! We've been calling the contestants that for going on fifteen years.
In another dimension
Mike: (dodges a demon and hits it with purple lightning) Take that! (Drops on one knee and begins to pant) Damn, am I ever going to get out?
Flower Lady: You chose to participate.
Mike: (tersely) Not in front of the readers!
Smelly town
Seven different chefs, with a contestant each sit in a large semi circle, Ryan and Flanders on the very end, with a large crowd and a judge (Adolf Hitler).
Hitler: We are ready, ya?
All: Ya!
Ryan: So, it is German!
All: YA!
Ned Flanders: Oopsidelydidly! I'm in the wrong country!
All: Ya!
Malek in the crowd: You can do it! Eat the freaking chili!
Remember that? Rob Schneider? 'You can do it, bite his freaking head off'?
Rob Schneider: You stole my line!
Malek: You know, I use this spear for more than killing Vampires.
Rob Schneider grabs Malek by the armor and goes down on him.
Ryan: ... (twitches, cracking his neck)... shit...
Ned Flanders: Homosexual carnality! That's a sin!
Hitler: Ya, no!
All: Ya, no!
..?
Ryan: ..?
Robin Williams: (somehow on a stage) Whoa! Necrophilia going on here!
All: Haha, ya!
(Check the dictionary for necrophilia if you don't get it)
Ryan: Corpse molester!
(Asshole)
Ryan: (grinning with pride)
Hitler: Ready ladles!
Groans and metal clinking are heard in the background.
Hitler: Spoon chili, ya!
All: Ya!
Ryan: Yeah!
Malek's Voice: Yes! YES!!!!
All: Eww, ya!
They spoon up chili, and work their way around the semicircle and eating everyone's chili. One by one they vomit out there guts, and scream in pain, except Ryan.
Ryan: More. (Makes it over to the psycho) Gimme some chili, baby!
Psycho: I warn you, you eat this, and you'll end up like that.
He gestures to a drunken, staggering Kain, wearing his metal briefs on his head, with toilet paper binoculars.
Ryan: Really!? Gimme some, NOW!!
All: Now, ya!
Hitler: Ooh, give me some of that!
Malek: (leans up, wearing Rob's t-shirt) Wait your turn!
Ryan: I can see the rainbow! (Passes out)
Somewhere else
A portal opens, and a figure with a Desert Eagle .50 and a bio-hazard suit.
????: (wearing a gas mask) He's near...
Waldo: You found me!
????: (shoots him) Next up, the energizer bunny, and a vampire smurf.
Back in Smelly town, the following day
Ryan: (wakes up in bed with a hot brunette) Sweet Jesus and the baby Mary!
Malek: (wakes up in bed with Hitler and Rob Schneider) Sweet Buddha and his daughter Mary-Jane.
Kain: (wakes up in bed with Chibi Umah) This makes no sense, she isn't even born yet.
???? drops onto a rafter and aims his gun at Kain's bed.
Kain: AAAAAHHHH!!!
All in the Village: YA!
BAM-BAM!!
Kain: Oh my God! You killed Umah!
Ryan: You bastard!
???? drops down to ground level, scaring off the brunette and celebrities.
Malek: You scared off my bitches!
Ryan: Mine too!
Kain: Who are you?
???? pulls off the mask to reveal-
All 3: Mike!!
All others: Ya!
Resident Evil Mike: One Vampire smurf down. Mission complete.
[Dumah's theme]
Dumah walks in the door. Sees chibi Kain, dead Umah, the guy with the magnum, the floating armor and God's best friend.
Ned Flanders: Hydelyho!
Dumah: (looks at the scene, looks at the homemade whiskey, then back a the scene and throws the bottle over his shoulder and leaves) (mumbling) Last time I take Zephon's homemade whiskey...
Mike: I came to calm the unbalance in this universe. And to get laid.
Ryan: Let us.
Kain: I'm the title character! Pay attention to me! Dammit!
Hitler: Ya!
Kain: Die you little gay German shit! (Murders Adolf Hitler)
Present Day
Kain closes the novel.
Kain: And that's what happened to Adolf Hitler.
He's normal size.
Rahab: You were telling us how you became the last Pillar Guardian, dad.
Kain: Really?
Dumah: So that's what happened.
Mike: You should've seen the look on your face.
It's the normal one, with a cloak, pale green skin and shoulder length black hair.
Ryan: Shouldn't you tell them how Mike got back in Nosgoth?
Grayish hard skin with a clan cloth draped down his shoulder and Dumah-esque hair.
Kain: Next chapter.
Raziel: (puts on black make up and looks in a mirror) I wonder why that monster had my name?
Vorador: I didn't realize that Malek got it on with Hitler and two celeb's at once!
Malek: Not one of my proudest moments.
Janos: And why the hell is Malek at one of our meetings?
George Bush: And why the hell am I here?!
Kain: ... I didn't realize you were here. (Whispers Turel) Take him out.
Turel: (get's Melchiah in a choke hold) Got him dad!
Kain: Bush you dumbass!
Melchiah: (is severed from his head) Hey! You're stitching it back on!
Vorador: Let me. (Points to the exit) Osama Bin Laden!
Bush: (pulls out a shotgun) C'mere you little Afkan #%$@!! (runs out)
Rahab: My sowing kit would come in useful.
Dumah: I'd like to know why a Vampire lord would even own a sowing kit.
Rahab: (embarrassed) Shut up.
Turel: Why are we even here?
Kain: We're rehearsing a meeting.
Ryan: Of a meeting.
Mike: Of a meeting.
Malek: Of a bachelor party.
Vorador: Of a meeting.
Janos: We're having a bachelor party for a meeting?
Dumah: Who's the unlucky bastard?
Ariel: Your father.
All the Vampire's plus Malek give him a death glare.
Dumah: Oh... yeah...
Raziel: Ya!
Zephon: (wearing mountain dew merchandise) Do the dew, ya. (Waves the flag and chug's a mountain dew: REALLY red)
Maelchaih: Guys? My severed head? (Notices his body running out the door) Hey! Get back here!!
Mike: I'll get it after South Park.
Ryan: That's not til Wednesday.
Mike: Meh.
Turel: (reading one of Vorador's Playboys) Wow, this girl is turned on by cheese.
Zephon: I'm turned on by Mountain Dew: REALLY red. Do the do, ya.
Dumah: I'm turned on by women who let me bench press them.
Melchiah: I'm turned on by women with whole body's.
Raziel: (staring in a pocket mirror) I'm turned on by me.
Rahab: I like educated women.
Dumah: C'mon!
Turel: Say it like a man, you pussy!
Rahab: ... I'm turned on by smart bitches...
Kain: (squeezing a stress ball) Just six more centuries, just six more centuries...
Vorador: Was I that much trouble?
Janos: I let most of the women take care of you. Didn't seem to want to let you go.
Dumah: Ooh!! You are a God!
Vorador: I'm the man.
Kain: You're the man.
Ryan: (throwing his voice) Ryan's the man!
Malek: Ryan's the man?
Turel: My ass.
Ryan: Fry! (Zaps him)
Turel: Ow!
Melchiah: Serves ya right for NOT GETTING MY BODY!!!
Rahab: Calm down. (Picks his head up and puts it on a skate board) There you go.
Melchiah: This is not dignifying!
Malek: And having one of your old rivals telling his kids about the time he banged Adolf Hitler is?
Turel: I assume that the point is taken.
Ryan: Yup.
Mike: Uh-huh.
Raziel: Do I look better wearing the tight leather pants, or the tight-tight leather pants?
Vorador: Whichever is more comfortable.
Janos: I say, asexually, that you look better in the tight-tight leather pants.
Malek: I'm only in two games!
Kain: I think I might visit you in Legacy of Kain: Defiance.
Malek: You think?
Kain: I visit your Bastion in the trailer and kill a lot of your purple Sarafan.
Mike: It was sweet.
Ryan: An the music rocks! I wanna play it!
Vorador: You visit my place too, and you can play as Kain and Raziel.
Raziel: I have a game? Do I get laid?
Kain: Well, you see... I kinda... TO BE CONTINUED!!
A few seconds pass in silence.
Turel: Shit happened.
Dumah: Face it dad, you gotta break it to him.
Kain: Raziel, I-
TO BE CONTINUED
Kain: Hey!
Next time: Mike comes back in the prequal, and the gang goes on a hunt for Mel's body!
That's right, two story's in one.
Read and Review.
Thank you all for the reviews!
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
Chapter 5: Like I give a rats ass!
Where we left off: Mike got sucked into another dimension. Kain and Ryan are on their own, and make their way to Steinchencroe, I hope that's how you spell it.
On some dirt road.
Ryan: I'm hungry.
Kain: I'm bored...
Ryan: I wanna kill someone...
Kain: I wanna rule all of Nosgoth as its sole monarch.
Ryan: Like that'll ever happen! (Sees a sing in the distance) Sweet, we made it!
Random townsfolk: Best be on your way, stranger! There is danger further past!
Kain: Like vampires?
Random: Screw vampires! There having the annual chile cook off! The town's stench'll haunt the dead for years!
Ryan: Really? I want to eat some chile! Then I'll get the khaki's, then I'll get laid!
Kain: What the hell is the point on that? I'm the title character!
Ryan: That's why I need the khaki's! When fangirls see you, they go 'Oh Kain! I'll have your child!' and when they see me 'Who the hell are you, another fic writer?' It's driving me nuts!
Random Person: Then ye'll be joining the cook off? I'll have to start digging up another grave if this keeps up! Hahahahaha- (gets kicked in the knee by Kain) Ow!
Kain: To the cook off!
Ryan: (sarcastic) What would I do without you, Kain-sama? (To himself) Other than get laid...
Kain: (wanders away) Yeah, yeah... do what you want.
Kain finds his way to the raving old man.
Psycho: Come, come vampire! I fear you not.
Kain: It's because I'm a damn smurf, isn't it?
Psycho: Well, yes and no. I wouldn't be afraid of you if you were a vampire, but I wouldn't want to hug you.
Kain: What precisely are you making, old man?
Psycho: You see, it's the strongest chili ever, and I need to test it on a non living creature to see the effects.
Kain: What else am I gonna do? (Sits down) Spoon me your damn chili old man! I fear not!
Psycho: (like Yoda) Oh, you will... you will...
Kain: (quirks an eyebrow, and brandishes a ladle) Vae Victus! (Scoops some up and eats it, then staggers away in agony, clutching his stomach) What the hell did you put in that?
Psycho: The mold that has been developing under my ass for the last fifteen years. I hardly had to boil it!
Kain: Bloody murder! (Passes out)
Somewhere else in town.
Ryan: Let me get this straight. I help you win by surviving every other contestants clearly poisoned chili, and you make me a lifetime supply of it?
Ned Flanders: Absapositively!
Ryan: In english?
Ned Flanders: Okelydokely!
Ryan: In japanese?!
Ned Flanders: (same crap, except in a different language)
Ryan: In Nosgothic?
Ned Flanders: Sorry, got me there.
Ryan: (eating a big ass bowl of chili) Huh?
Ned Flanders: Never mind, the competition is starting!
Ryan: Say what?
Ned Flanders: You want the chili, right?
Ryan: We'll I hardly think I'd be standing next to you if I wasn't getting something out of it!
Ned Flanders: Why would undead scourge want chili anyways?
Ryan: To keep the fic running. (Mutters) Author's an asshole.
Malek: (magically beside them) I hear you.
My Voice on the wind: Hey..!
Ryan: You hear that?
Ned Flanders: Ooh, an angel! I'll get you a five alarm!
Malek: (spoons some up and pours it into his helmet) Five alarm my ass! This isn't even rated as an alarm chili!
Ned Flanders: I know!! I'm a failure!
Voice outside: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Ryan: Bring out your dead?
Ned Flanders: Ooh, that's you! We've been calling the contestants that for going on fifteen years.
In another dimension
Mike: (dodges a demon and hits it with purple lightning) Take that! (Drops on one knee and begins to pant) Damn, am I ever going to get out?
Flower Lady: You chose to participate.
Mike: (tersely) Not in front of the readers!
Smelly town
Seven different chefs, with a contestant each sit in a large semi circle, Ryan and Flanders on the very end, with a large crowd and a judge (Adolf Hitler).
Hitler: We are ready, ya?
All: Ya!
Ryan: So, it is German!
All: YA!
Ned Flanders: Oopsidelydidly! I'm in the wrong country!
All: Ya!
Malek in the crowd: You can do it! Eat the freaking chili!
Remember that? Rob Schneider? 'You can do it, bite his freaking head off'?
Rob Schneider: You stole my line!
Malek: You know, I use this spear for more than killing Vampires.
Rob Schneider grabs Malek by the armor and goes down on him.
Ryan: ... (twitches, cracking his neck)... shit...
Ned Flanders: Homosexual carnality! That's a sin!
Hitler: Ya, no!
All: Ya, no!
..?
Ryan: ..?
Robin Williams: (somehow on a stage) Whoa! Necrophilia going on here!
All: Haha, ya!
(Check the dictionary for necrophilia if you don't get it)
Ryan: Corpse molester!
(Asshole)
Ryan: (grinning with pride)
Hitler: Ready ladles!
Groans and metal clinking are heard in the background.
Hitler: Spoon chili, ya!
All: Ya!
Ryan: Yeah!
Malek's Voice: Yes! YES!!!!
All: Eww, ya!
They spoon up chili, and work their way around the semicircle and eating everyone's chili. One by one they vomit out there guts, and scream in pain, except Ryan.
Ryan: More. (Makes it over to the psycho) Gimme some chili, baby!
Psycho: I warn you, you eat this, and you'll end up like that.
He gestures to a drunken, staggering Kain, wearing his metal briefs on his head, with toilet paper binoculars.
Ryan: Really!? Gimme some, NOW!!
All: Now, ya!
Hitler: Ooh, give me some of that!
Malek: (leans up, wearing Rob's t-shirt) Wait your turn!
Ryan: I can see the rainbow! (Passes out)
Somewhere else
A portal opens, and a figure with a Desert Eagle .50 and a bio-hazard suit.
????: (wearing a gas mask) He's near...
Waldo: You found me!
????: (shoots him) Next up, the energizer bunny, and a vampire smurf.
Back in Smelly town, the following day
Ryan: (wakes up in bed with a hot brunette) Sweet Jesus and the baby Mary!
Malek: (wakes up in bed with Hitler and Rob Schneider) Sweet Buddha and his daughter Mary-Jane.
Kain: (wakes up in bed with Chibi Umah) This makes no sense, she isn't even born yet.
???? drops onto a rafter and aims his gun at Kain's bed.
Kain: AAAAAHHHH!!!
All in the Village: YA!
BAM-BAM!!
Kain: Oh my God! You killed Umah!
Ryan: You bastard!
???? drops down to ground level, scaring off the brunette and celebrities.
Malek: You scared off my bitches!
Ryan: Mine too!
Kain: Who are you?
???? pulls off the mask to reveal-
All 3: Mike!!
All others: Ya!
Resident Evil Mike: One Vampire smurf down. Mission complete.
[Dumah's theme]
Dumah walks in the door. Sees chibi Kain, dead Umah, the guy with the magnum, the floating armor and God's best friend.
Ned Flanders: Hydelyho!
Dumah: (looks at the scene, looks at the homemade whiskey, then back a the scene and throws the bottle over his shoulder and leaves) (mumbling) Last time I take Zephon's homemade whiskey...
Mike: I came to calm the unbalance in this universe. And to get laid.
Ryan: Let us.
Kain: I'm the title character! Pay attention to me! Dammit!
Hitler: Ya!
Kain: Die you little gay German shit! (Murders Adolf Hitler)
Present Day
Kain closes the novel.
Kain: And that's what happened to Adolf Hitler.
He's normal size.
Rahab: You were telling us how you became the last Pillar Guardian, dad.
Kain: Really?
Dumah: So that's what happened.
Mike: You should've seen the look on your face.
It's the normal one, with a cloak, pale green skin and shoulder length black hair.
Ryan: Shouldn't you tell them how Mike got back in Nosgoth?
Grayish hard skin with a clan cloth draped down his shoulder and Dumah-esque hair.
Kain: Next chapter.
Raziel: (puts on black make up and looks in a mirror) I wonder why that monster had my name?
Vorador: I didn't realize that Malek got it on with Hitler and two celeb's at once!
Malek: Not one of my proudest moments.
Janos: And why the hell is Malek at one of our meetings?
George Bush: And why the hell am I here?!
Kain: ... I didn't realize you were here. (Whispers Turel) Take him out.
Turel: (get's Melchiah in a choke hold) Got him dad!
Kain: Bush you dumbass!
Melchiah: (is severed from his head) Hey! You're stitching it back on!
Vorador: Let me. (Points to the exit) Osama Bin Laden!
Bush: (pulls out a shotgun) C'mere you little Afkan #%$@!! (runs out)
Rahab: My sowing kit would come in useful.
Dumah: I'd like to know why a Vampire lord would even own a sowing kit.
Rahab: (embarrassed) Shut up.
Turel: Why are we even here?
Kain: We're rehearsing a meeting.
Ryan: Of a meeting.
Mike: Of a meeting.
Malek: Of a bachelor party.
Vorador: Of a meeting.
Janos: We're having a bachelor party for a meeting?
Dumah: Who's the unlucky bastard?
Ariel: Your father.
All the Vampire's plus Malek give him a death glare.
Dumah: Oh... yeah...
Raziel: Ya!
Zephon: (wearing mountain dew merchandise) Do the dew, ya. (Waves the flag and chug's a mountain dew: REALLY red)
Maelchaih: Guys? My severed head? (Notices his body running out the door) Hey! Get back here!!
Mike: I'll get it after South Park.
Ryan: That's not til Wednesday.
Mike: Meh.
Turel: (reading one of Vorador's Playboys) Wow, this girl is turned on by cheese.
Zephon: I'm turned on by Mountain Dew: REALLY red. Do the do, ya.
Dumah: I'm turned on by women who let me bench press them.
Melchiah: I'm turned on by women with whole body's.
Raziel: (staring in a pocket mirror) I'm turned on by me.
Rahab: I like educated women.
Dumah: C'mon!
Turel: Say it like a man, you pussy!
Rahab: ... I'm turned on by smart bitches...
Kain: (squeezing a stress ball) Just six more centuries, just six more centuries...
Vorador: Was I that much trouble?
Janos: I let most of the women take care of you. Didn't seem to want to let you go.
Dumah: Ooh!! You are a God!
Vorador: I'm the man.
Kain: You're the man.
Ryan: (throwing his voice) Ryan's the man!
Malek: Ryan's the man?
Turel: My ass.
Ryan: Fry! (Zaps him)
Turel: Ow!
Melchiah: Serves ya right for NOT GETTING MY BODY!!!
Rahab: Calm down. (Picks his head up and puts it on a skate board) There you go.
Melchiah: This is not dignifying!
Malek: And having one of your old rivals telling his kids about the time he banged Adolf Hitler is?
Turel: I assume that the point is taken.
Ryan: Yup.
Mike: Uh-huh.
Raziel: Do I look better wearing the tight leather pants, or the tight-tight leather pants?
Vorador: Whichever is more comfortable.
Janos: I say, asexually, that you look better in the tight-tight leather pants.
Malek: I'm only in two games!
Kain: I think I might visit you in Legacy of Kain: Defiance.
Malek: You think?
Kain: I visit your Bastion in the trailer and kill a lot of your purple Sarafan.
Mike: It was sweet.
Ryan: An the music rocks! I wanna play it!
Vorador: You visit my place too, and you can play as Kain and Raziel.
Raziel: I have a game? Do I get laid?
Kain: Well, you see... I kinda... TO BE CONTINUED!!
A few seconds pass in silence.
Turel: Shit happened.
Dumah: Face it dad, you gotta break it to him.
Kain: Raziel, I-
TO BE CONTINUED
Kain: Hey!
Next time: Mike comes back in the prequal, and the gang goes on a hunt for Mel's body!
That's right, two story's in one.
Read and Review.