Disclaimer: I own this fic, and about an eighth of the things mentioned herein. Funny word, haha.
Hitler's Ghost: Ya.
Not funny.
Chapter 6: Saving Mel, re-enter Mike
Soul Reaver Era
The scene is the Pillars. Kain is out cold on the throne, lounged out comfortably and mumbling about where Ariel's hot ass used to be. Ariel is floating over him, clearly enjoying the praise. Mike is leaned up against a support strut bearing his clan symbol (though he doesn't have a clan). It's shaped like *+*. Ryan is sprawled out across the circular floor, snoring loudly and chewing on his pillow. A knock his heard at the door.
Mike: (wakes up and rubs his eyes) Malek better not be drunk again, last time he was, he knocked on the front doors and pretended to be a Japanese salesman selling metal thongs.
Ariel: Who are you talking to?
Mike: I didn't realise you were trying to slip Kain out of his pants.
Ariel: Mind your manners!
Mike: Well you are!
Ariel: Then quit watching!
Bam-bam
Ryan: (rolls over) Shut up, shut up!
Mike walks over to the entrance, and opens the doors. He sees nothing.
Mike: What the hell?
Voice: Down here!
Mike: What do you want, Mel?
Melchiah: (still bodyless and on the skate board) I got a call from a neighbouring region saying that if I don't get my rotting carcass out, they'll consider it a vehicle and give me a ticket.
Mike: Sounds like those damn Nisgothians. Hang on.
Mike strolls over to a gong, and looks around for something to strike it with. Seeing nothing, he just head butts it.
Kain: (snaps awake) I'm up!
Ryan: (rolls off the platform, and wakes up) Is my arm supposed to be bent like this?
Ariel is quick to shift into the spectral realm, avoiding having to explain her actions to Kain.
Kain: Is it just me, or are my pants at my knees.
Melchiah: Looks like it, dad.
Kain: (sees Melchiah) What the- (remembers the previous night) Oh, that. What is it?
Melchah: We're gonna have to pay those damn Nisgothians if we don't get my body back!
Ryan: Hold the phone.
He pauses for a moment.
Ryan: (bewildered) You're telling me that your decaying, blind, ass ugly corpse ran it's way into Nisgoth?
Melchiah: Yeah.
Kain: Only my brood. (Starts squeezing the stress ball) Just six more centuries, just- (the ball pops from the pressure, spilling sand on his crotch) six more GODDAMN centuries!
Mike: I'll round the boys up.
Kain: Don't forget the lieutenants!
They're all teenagers. Horny, horny teenagers.
Ryan: Now would be an appropriate 'Ooh, burn!' situation.
Mike: Are we that immature after two millennia?
Kain: Yes.
Mike, Kain, Ryan: Ooh, burn!
Melchiah: Hey, be nice!
Kain: Screw off. (Kicks the head off the skateboard) I love my kids!
Ryan: Nice way to show it.
Kain: Shut up. To Dumah's!
Mike: Oh what would we do without you...
Ryan: Kain-sama.
At Dumah's Bastion
Kain: You! (Points to a passing Dumahim) Where's your old man?
Dumahim: Right there. (Points to a figure in the distance bench pressing a woman)
Ryan: That's him alright.
Mike: You think?
At the very other end of the courtyard
Dumah: (bench pressing a slave woman (think Brittany Spears, 'cept a Brunnette) and having a conversation with her) So, thinking of a good college?
Slave Girl: University actually.
Dumah: Really? My dad's the dean of the 'Pillars of Nosgoth if you dan't make the cut I'll feed you to my fat friend Mike' Academy.
Slave Girl: Really? Wow, you sure are nice, I expected you to eat me.
Kain: (who snuck up on them) So was I.
Dumah: Hi dad.
Slave Girl: Wow, this is Lord Kain?
Kain: In all my demigod glory. Dumah, your brother made an ass out of himself in Nisgoth, to avoid an international incident, you're coming with us.
Dumah: But dad, I was gonna get laid!
Slave Girl: No you weren't.
Dumah: In that case- (tosses her off) Free white girl for grabs!
A crowd of Dumahim rush over and drag her off.
Slave Girl: I'll get you for this!
Kain: Yeah, and Umah's breasts were real!
Ryan: They weren't?!
Mike: ^.- Dumbass.
Dumah: I'll get Malek then. (Turn around) Malek, to our aid!
Malek: (appears and poses) I am at your ser- (notices the giggling Ryan and the blank expressions on everyone elses face) Dammit! Again! What the wtf do you want?
Mike: 'What the what the fuck do we want'?
Malek: I can still taze you.
Mike: (throws his hands up and gives him a friendly expression) That won't be necessary, I clearly overstepped my boundaries. Will you _ever_ forgive me?
Malek: Cut the false courtesy, it's demeaning.
Ryan: And it makes you look like a pussy.
Mike: (let's his arms fall just a little to fast, and smacks Ryan over the head) Whoops.
Ryan: Ow!
Kain: Enough crap, Dumah, get Turel. Mike, Malek, get Janos and Vorador. Ryan and I will get Raziel, the smart one and the Mountain Dew freak.
Malek: I assume you mean Rahab and Zephon.
Kain: Sure-sure. I didn't name them.
Mike: (mutters) And that's why they aren't named after the Beatles.
Mike and Malek disappear in a purple mist.
Dumah: I'll get cracking. Hey you!
Random Dumahim: Me?
Dumah: Yeah, you! How's the catapult?
Random Dumahim: Unstable. The chance of landing on your target is non existence, and even surviving is kinda tricky.
Dumah: (already in it) I like those odds.
Dumah is flung into the distance towards the giant smokestacks.
Kain: Shall we?
Ryan: Do you have a better idea?
Kain: Fine, be a dick.
They fade away.
Vorador's Mansion
Mike: Yo, V-man! Get your green ass out here!
Random Bride: Aren't you a sexy one.
Malek: Keep it in my pants.
Bride: Isn't it, keep it in your pants?
Malek: Now!
Mike: Alright... (wanders off)
In the Background: Now that's some high quality steel!
Mike: (shudders) Where the hell is that perverted father of mine. DAD!
Vorador: (appears in front of Mike) What are you doing here? The next practice meeting isn't for three days.
Mike: Melchiah's body is gonna cause an international incident with Nisgoth... again.
Vorador: Someone ought to weld it on. I'll get your grandfather. Disco is back!
Janos: (kicks the doors off their hinges and run in at top speed) Really?!
Vorador: Nope.
Janos: DAMMIT!! Then why did you get me excited?
Vorador: Trouble with Nisgoth.
Janos: Again?!
Mike: Yup. Me and Malek came to get the two of you.
Vorador: Where's Malek?
Mike: He's been... detained.
Malek's Voice on the wind: Yes yes yes!
Vorador: What the hell was that?!
Mike: (quickly) I didn't hear anything.
Malek: (throws open the doors and walks in, lighting a Players) What's up?
Janos: Hi Malek.
Vorador: What the hell were you doing?
Malek: Nothing.
Mike: What did you think he was doing, sleeping with one of your wives?
M&M: (both chuckle nervously)
Turel's Clan Territory
Turel: Again?
Dumah: (completely covered in twigs) Yup.
Turel: Shit.
Rahab's Territory
Rahab: (overjoyed) Father, you came to visit me!
Kain: Don't get excited, it's business.
Rahab: I should've known.
Kain: I'll explain the situation on the way to the pillars.
Rahab: That's Pillars, with a capital.
Kain: (mutters incoherently)
Raziel's Clan Territory
Raziel: Oh phooey, we have to walk? Why couldn't Melchiah be beautiful like me and stay in one place.
Ryan: Because you'd chase him down until you forced him into incest carnality.
Raziel: You know me well, don't you?
Ryan: Indeed I do.
Zephon's Pad
Kain: Hello, anyone here?
Rahab: I believe he has left, father.
Kain: Oh no, that sneaky little bastard is hiding on us.
Rahab: Why would you suspect that, father?
Kain: Because I smell Mountain Dew. (He shoots electricity straight up, and shocks the crap out of Zephon)
Zephon: Arg! (Losses his grip) Uh-oh, this is gonna- (lands hard) Oof!
Rahab: It appears you were correct.
Kain: No shit Sherlock. Get up!
Zephon: (crawls onto his feet) Hi dad, funny seeing you here... Heheh...
Kain: You're abbs are on fire.
Zephon: I try to keep fit.
Rahab: Your t-shirt is on fire!
Zephon: Huh? (Looks down) AAAHH!! I'm on fire!! (starts to run in circles)
Kain: I guess he's a flaming homo now, huh?
Rahab: That was rude.
Kain: Oh shut up.
At the Pillars, with a capital as Rahab reminds us. Little prick
Kain: (briefing the group using a map) Alright, we attack on the front gates, are ambushed here, kill him, him and him then retreat to the east, pick up Melchiah's body, and run all the way back to the Pillars. Any questions?
Turel: Couldn't you just teleport it, grab it and teleport out?
Kain: Who is the Lord of Nosgoth?
Turel: You...
Kain: I had a schedule. Wake up at noon, read the next chapter of Chibi Kain to you guys, then smack Ariel.
Ariel: (to Malek) Isn't he so romantic?
Malek: Sure...
Kain: But I didn't anticipate this. Now we're all going in, and killing a lot of assholes.
Raziel: Eww, bloodshed! Do we have to?
Kain: It's that, or visit my mother.
All: (shudder horribly)
Dumah: (dressed like a navy SEAL) What's the mission eta?
Kain: About thirty minutes. Deploy!
The entre group starts to run for the border of Nisgoth. Upon arrival, they massacre a group of school children trying to sell them cookies. They arrive at the capital, Moridian.
Kain: Die today as heros, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!
All: For Nosgoth!!
They charge the gate. A group of Sarafan jump in their path, and are cut down. The group splits up. The ancients rush the Castle, killing all in their way. Raziel and Zephon stop for ice-cream. Malek and Dumah cause chaos, and Rahab, along with Turel hit the library.
Kain: Die, scum! (Blows him into pieces with the Soul Reaver, then strikes down another with lightening) Boo-yeah!
Mike: Implode! (Blows a guy apart) Spirit Death! (Steals the soul of one) Immolate!
Ryan: (on fire) That's REAL funny!
Mike: Whoops!
Vorador: Have at you! (Stabs a guy) Remind you of anything?
Janos: (claws out a dude's throat) You eight grade graduation!
Vorador: God bless this land!
Dying Nisgothian: Thank you!
Vorador: I meant God bless my land.
Dying Nisgotian: Shit! (Dies in a pool of blood)
Ryan: (now fine) Flay!
Dude: Oh my god!!! (get's skinned alive)
Kain: There it is! (Points to Melchiah's body)
Ryan: I'll get it! (Guts a guy then runs another one through) That hurt! (Throws him off and grabs the body) Let's go!
Mike: I'll make the signal! Fireworks! (Casts fireworks)
At the library
Turel: Huh, they did it fast this time.
Rahab: To the Kain mobile! (Hops on his scooter)
In the courtyard
Dumah: (disembowels a guy, and bites another's throat out) Wow, only seventy three innocent casualties this time.
Malek: (cuts a man's legs out from under him, then decapitates two in one swing) Shit, you were counting?
Ice-cream stand
Raziel: Wow, those are pretty.
Zephon: (hitting on some terrified woman) You know, the rumours about drinking Mountain Dew and having your testicles shrink are completely unfounded.
Terrified Woman: Please don't hurt me!
Zephon: Love to rape you, but I gotta run.
Raziel: Too-dal-ooh.
The two of them join the rest of the guys who are running. Nearing the borders, a group of Glyph Knights bar their path.
Glyph Knight 1: You shall not path.
Mike: You mean pass, right?
The Knight doesn't manage to answer, as a man lands on his head, crushing his skull. He kicks off and roundhouses another one's face, twisting the head around to a lethal angle. He touches down lightly, and throws the group a charismatic grin. He wears metal greaves and pads to block, and has a flowing cape. His hands have five blood stained claws each.
Cool Guy: Hey guys!
Mike: Back from business so soon, Orpheum?
OrpheumZero: Commerce just isn't the same anymore. How you guys holding up?
The last two Knights attack him from behind, and he rolls off to the side. Malek takes one down, and Raz kicks the last one in the balls.
Knight: My... groin... (dies from shock)
Dumah: Hey man!
Janos: Good to see you again.
Ryan: Any news from Concept or Angel-chan?
OrpheumZero: You too, no and no. They'll show up.
Kain: Enough talk! To the Pillars! I have to read you guys a chapter.
AT THE Pillars.
Kain: Alright, it goes like this.
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
Chapter 5: Mike, back in da house
The boys and the Vamp Smurf are on their way to Vasserbunde.
RE Mike: You know, that smurf was pretty stacked.
Kain: My only regret was that I was drunk for it.
Ryan: Damn, how many times have we passed that one lizard?
Kain: Just once.
Ryan: How about that one?
Kain: We haven't reached it yet.
Ryan: And that one?
RE Mike: That's an empty keg, dude.
Ryan: Oh. And that?
Kain: A sign saying 'Welcome to Vasserbunde, the driest city in Nosgoth'.
Ryan: How long till we reach Vasserbunde?
RE Mike: About three seconds.
Guy: Welcome to Vasserbunde! Feel free to drink my blood to achieve the power of disguise!
Ryan and Kain pounce on him and feast upon his lifeblood.
RE Mike: (eats a granola bar)
Kain: Ooh, lemon flavored.
Ryan: My end tasted like banana, really.
RE Mike: Shall we enter?
Kain: Absolutely.
Ryan: Hey look, that guy is riding a buggy!
RE Mike: I'd prefer a Chevy, thank you very much.
Kain: He means a coach.
RE Mike: I realize that.
Coach Rider: You guys want a ride?
Kain: (hops on) Take us to Nupraptor's retreat.
Coach Rider: I can take you to the barrier.
Ryan: (hops on, followed by RE Mike) What barrier? Moebius after Nutty's butt again?
Coach Rider: Yup. Made us all hold candles in the dark to make him a message.
Kain: A message?
Coach Rider: Can I be your bitch.
RE Mike: Eww!
Kain: That is disturbing!
Ryan: No, really?
Coach Rider: (whips the horse) The key to opening the barrier is an evil book called the Necronomicon Ex Mortus. It has evil passages, and none of the local folk have tried to read it!
Kain: Interesting. Where is this book?
Coach Rider: On an alter in front of the mental institute.
RE Mike: Mental institiute?
Coach Rider: He's the world's greatest psychiatrist, he is!
Ryan: Is he?
Coach Rider: He is!
RE Mike: How long until we reach it?
Coach Rider: We've stopped since I told you about the candle message.
Kain: Asshole! (Pokes him with the Iron Butter knife)
The group jumps out, and walk into a cave with a save point and an alter, holding the Necro... something.
Kain: All I have to do is read the right passage... How about this one? Friendus, fatus, give backus!
A purple gate opens and starts to draw in RE Mike.
RE Mike: Wrong passage!! AAHHH(gets sucked in)HH!!!
Kain: Whoops!
Ryan: Damn, two Mike's in a row!
The portal isn't done though, and it throws a figure out. He rises to his feet.
Mike: Mike is in the house!
Ryan: Dude!
Mike: Didja miss me?
Kain: Actually the silence was refreshing. Next passage. Wardus open, or I'll ass your kickus!
The barrier fades out.
Mike: Nice one.
Ryan: Cool... as... HELL!
Mike: The door to Nupraptor's Retreat has opened. Sweet.
Kain: Let's go.
Within the mental institute.
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Kain: No.
Receptionist: Are you in need of one?
Kain: No.
Receptionist: Are you here to kill Nupreator and hold the biggest keggar in history?
Kain: Yes.
Receptionist: I can slip you in as soon as his current appointment is through.
Kain: My thanks.
The three guys take a seat, and wait... and wait... and flip through indecent magazines, and guess what? Wait... Until-
Receptionist: The doctor will se you know!
All Three: Thank you.
In the office
Nut-grabber: Hello. YOU TWO!!
Ryan and Mike: (in a singsong voice) Hello Nut-grabber!
Kain: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEATH!!
Mike: Just a little too dramatic there.
Malek: (appear, and brandishes his pike) WAZZUP?!
Mike: But not that bad.
Nutty: Have you come to ridicule me getting mugged again, ward?
Malek: Pretty much, yeah.
Nut Raptor: Damn.
Kain: I will kill you, and restore Nosgoth's balance!
Nutboy: You're Kain, aren't you?
Kain: Observant for a blind man!
NutTaster: I will not yield without battle!
Kain: (points to the wall) What's that?!
Nutro: Huh? (Turns around)
Kain: Die! (Leaps up and decapitates him)
Kain walks over to the bleeding head, and lifts it over his head.
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well.
Mike: Not as well as us.
Kain: Shut up.
TO BE CONTINUED
Soul Reaver Era
Kain: How was that chapter?
Rahab: Badly arranged.
Turel: Boring.
Raziel: Arousing.
Melchiah: I'm teling you people, scotch tape will not keep my head on!
Malek: I was in it!
Zephon: Good, despite absence of Mountain Dew.
All: (deadpan) Do the dew.
Dumah: Does this count as the next practice meeting?
Kain: No.
Janos: I must say, your youth is intriguing!
Vorador: Not too shabby.
Mike: I could've sworn I kicked his corpse in the crotch...
Ryan: That's the next chapter.
Kain: Alright, tomorrow we read about my first party!
All: (sarcastic) Yay.
TO BE CONTINUED
Alright! Finished another one.
For the sake of Kain, review!!
Hitler's Ghost: Ya.
Not funny.
Chapter 6: Saving Mel, re-enter Mike
Soul Reaver Era
The scene is the Pillars. Kain is out cold on the throne, lounged out comfortably and mumbling about where Ariel's hot ass used to be. Ariel is floating over him, clearly enjoying the praise. Mike is leaned up against a support strut bearing his clan symbol (though he doesn't have a clan). It's shaped like *+*. Ryan is sprawled out across the circular floor, snoring loudly and chewing on his pillow. A knock his heard at the door.
Mike: (wakes up and rubs his eyes) Malek better not be drunk again, last time he was, he knocked on the front doors and pretended to be a Japanese salesman selling metal thongs.
Ariel: Who are you talking to?
Mike: I didn't realise you were trying to slip Kain out of his pants.
Ariel: Mind your manners!
Mike: Well you are!
Ariel: Then quit watching!
Bam-bam
Ryan: (rolls over) Shut up, shut up!
Mike walks over to the entrance, and opens the doors. He sees nothing.
Mike: What the hell?
Voice: Down here!
Mike: What do you want, Mel?
Melchiah: (still bodyless and on the skate board) I got a call from a neighbouring region saying that if I don't get my rotting carcass out, they'll consider it a vehicle and give me a ticket.
Mike: Sounds like those damn Nisgothians. Hang on.
Mike strolls over to a gong, and looks around for something to strike it with. Seeing nothing, he just head butts it.
Kain: (snaps awake) I'm up!
Ryan: (rolls off the platform, and wakes up) Is my arm supposed to be bent like this?
Ariel is quick to shift into the spectral realm, avoiding having to explain her actions to Kain.
Kain: Is it just me, or are my pants at my knees.
Melchiah: Looks like it, dad.
Kain: (sees Melchiah) What the- (remembers the previous night) Oh, that. What is it?
Melchah: We're gonna have to pay those damn Nisgothians if we don't get my body back!
Ryan: Hold the phone.
He pauses for a moment.
Ryan: (bewildered) You're telling me that your decaying, blind, ass ugly corpse ran it's way into Nisgoth?
Melchiah: Yeah.
Kain: Only my brood. (Starts squeezing the stress ball) Just six more centuries, just- (the ball pops from the pressure, spilling sand on his crotch) six more GODDAMN centuries!
Mike: I'll round the boys up.
Kain: Don't forget the lieutenants!
They're all teenagers. Horny, horny teenagers.
Ryan: Now would be an appropriate 'Ooh, burn!' situation.
Mike: Are we that immature after two millennia?
Kain: Yes.
Mike, Kain, Ryan: Ooh, burn!
Melchiah: Hey, be nice!
Kain: Screw off. (Kicks the head off the skateboard) I love my kids!
Ryan: Nice way to show it.
Kain: Shut up. To Dumah's!
Mike: Oh what would we do without you...
Ryan: Kain-sama.
At Dumah's Bastion
Kain: You! (Points to a passing Dumahim) Where's your old man?
Dumahim: Right there. (Points to a figure in the distance bench pressing a woman)
Ryan: That's him alright.
Mike: You think?
At the very other end of the courtyard
Dumah: (bench pressing a slave woman (think Brittany Spears, 'cept a Brunnette) and having a conversation with her) So, thinking of a good college?
Slave Girl: University actually.
Dumah: Really? My dad's the dean of the 'Pillars of Nosgoth if you dan't make the cut I'll feed you to my fat friend Mike' Academy.
Slave Girl: Really? Wow, you sure are nice, I expected you to eat me.
Kain: (who snuck up on them) So was I.
Dumah: Hi dad.
Slave Girl: Wow, this is Lord Kain?
Kain: In all my demigod glory. Dumah, your brother made an ass out of himself in Nisgoth, to avoid an international incident, you're coming with us.
Dumah: But dad, I was gonna get laid!
Slave Girl: No you weren't.
Dumah: In that case- (tosses her off) Free white girl for grabs!
A crowd of Dumahim rush over and drag her off.
Slave Girl: I'll get you for this!
Kain: Yeah, and Umah's breasts were real!
Ryan: They weren't?!
Mike: ^.- Dumbass.
Dumah: I'll get Malek then. (Turn around) Malek, to our aid!
Malek: (appears and poses) I am at your ser- (notices the giggling Ryan and the blank expressions on everyone elses face) Dammit! Again! What the wtf do you want?
Mike: 'What the what the fuck do we want'?
Malek: I can still taze you.
Mike: (throws his hands up and gives him a friendly expression) That won't be necessary, I clearly overstepped my boundaries. Will you _ever_ forgive me?
Malek: Cut the false courtesy, it's demeaning.
Ryan: And it makes you look like a pussy.
Mike: (let's his arms fall just a little to fast, and smacks Ryan over the head) Whoops.
Ryan: Ow!
Kain: Enough crap, Dumah, get Turel. Mike, Malek, get Janos and Vorador. Ryan and I will get Raziel, the smart one and the Mountain Dew freak.
Malek: I assume you mean Rahab and Zephon.
Kain: Sure-sure. I didn't name them.
Mike: (mutters) And that's why they aren't named after the Beatles.
Mike and Malek disappear in a purple mist.
Dumah: I'll get cracking. Hey you!
Random Dumahim: Me?
Dumah: Yeah, you! How's the catapult?
Random Dumahim: Unstable. The chance of landing on your target is non existence, and even surviving is kinda tricky.
Dumah: (already in it) I like those odds.
Dumah is flung into the distance towards the giant smokestacks.
Kain: Shall we?
Ryan: Do you have a better idea?
Kain: Fine, be a dick.
They fade away.
Vorador's Mansion
Mike: Yo, V-man! Get your green ass out here!
Random Bride: Aren't you a sexy one.
Malek: Keep it in my pants.
Bride: Isn't it, keep it in your pants?
Malek: Now!
Mike: Alright... (wanders off)
In the Background: Now that's some high quality steel!
Mike: (shudders) Where the hell is that perverted father of mine. DAD!
Vorador: (appears in front of Mike) What are you doing here? The next practice meeting isn't for three days.
Mike: Melchiah's body is gonna cause an international incident with Nisgoth... again.
Vorador: Someone ought to weld it on. I'll get your grandfather. Disco is back!
Janos: (kicks the doors off their hinges and run in at top speed) Really?!
Vorador: Nope.
Janos: DAMMIT!! Then why did you get me excited?
Vorador: Trouble with Nisgoth.
Janos: Again?!
Mike: Yup. Me and Malek came to get the two of you.
Vorador: Where's Malek?
Mike: He's been... detained.
Malek's Voice on the wind: Yes yes yes!
Vorador: What the hell was that?!
Mike: (quickly) I didn't hear anything.
Malek: (throws open the doors and walks in, lighting a Players) What's up?
Janos: Hi Malek.
Vorador: What the hell were you doing?
Malek: Nothing.
Mike: What did you think he was doing, sleeping with one of your wives?
M&M: (both chuckle nervously)
Turel's Clan Territory
Turel: Again?
Dumah: (completely covered in twigs) Yup.
Turel: Shit.
Rahab's Territory
Rahab: (overjoyed) Father, you came to visit me!
Kain: Don't get excited, it's business.
Rahab: I should've known.
Kain: I'll explain the situation on the way to the pillars.
Rahab: That's Pillars, with a capital.
Kain: (mutters incoherently)
Raziel's Clan Territory
Raziel: Oh phooey, we have to walk? Why couldn't Melchiah be beautiful like me and stay in one place.
Ryan: Because you'd chase him down until you forced him into incest carnality.
Raziel: You know me well, don't you?
Ryan: Indeed I do.
Zephon's Pad
Kain: Hello, anyone here?
Rahab: I believe he has left, father.
Kain: Oh no, that sneaky little bastard is hiding on us.
Rahab: Why would you suspect that, father?
Kain: Because I smell Mountain Dew. (He shoots electricity straight up, and shocks the crap out of Zephon)
Zephon: Arg! (Losses his grip) Uh-oh, this is gonna- (lands hard) Oof!
Rahab: It appears you were correct.
Kain: No shit Sherlock. Get up!
Zephon: (crawls onto his feet) Hi dad, funny seeing you here... Heheh...
Kain: You're abbs are on fire.
Zephon: I try to keep fit.
Rahab: Your t-shirt is on fire!
Zephon: Huh? (Looks down) AAAHH!! I'm on fire!! (starts to run in circles)
Kain: I guess he's a flaming homo now, huh?
Rahab: That was rude.
Kain: Oh shut up.
At the Pillars, with a capital as Rahab reminds us. Little prick
Kain: (briefing the group using a map) Alright, we attack on the front gates, are ambushed here, kill him, him and him then retreat to the east, pick up Melchiah's body, and run all the way back to the Pillars. Any questions?
Turel: Couldn't you just teleport it, grab it and teleport out?
Kain: Who is the Lord of Nosgoth?
Turel: You...
Kain: I had a schedule. Wake up at noon, read the next chapter of Chibi Kain to you guys, then smack Ariel.
Ariel: (to Malek) Isn't he so romantic?
Malek: Sure...
Kain: But I didn't anticipate this. Now we're all going in, and killing a lot of assholes.
Raziel: Eww, bloodshed! Do we have to?
Kain: It's that, or visit my mother.
All: (shudder horribly)
Dumah: (dressed like a navy SEAL) What's the mission eta?
Kain: About thirty minutes. Deploy!
The entre group starts to run for the border of Nisgoth. Upon arrival, they massacre a group of school children trying to sell them cookies. They arrive at the capital, Moridian.
Kain: Die today as heros, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!
All: For Nosgoth!!
They charge the gate. A group of Sarafan jump in their path, and are cut down. The group splits up. The ancients rush the Castle, killing all in their way. Raziel and Zephon stop for ice-cream. Malek and Dumah cause chaos, and Rahab, along with Turel hit the library.
Kain: Die, scum! (Blows him into pieces with the Soul Reaver, then strikes down another with lightening) Boo-yeah!
Mike: Implode! (Blows a guy apart) Spirit Death! (Steals the soul of one) Immolate!
Ryan: (on fire) That's REAL funny!
Mike: Whoops!
Vorador: Have at you! (Stabs a guy) Remind you of anything?
Janos: (claws out a dude's throat) You eight grade graduation!
Vorador: God bless this land!
Dying Nisgothian: Thank you!
Vorador: I meant God bless my land.
Dying Nisgotian: Shit! (Dies in a pool of blood)
Ryan: (now fine) Flay!
Dude: Oh my god!!! (get's skinned alive)
Kain: There it is! (Points to Melchiah's body)
Ryan: I'll get it! (Guts a guy then runs another one through) That hurt! (Throws him off and grabs the body) Let's go!
Mike: I'll make the signal! Fireworks! (Casts fireworks)
At the library
Turel: Huh, they did it fast this time.
Rahab: To the Kain mobile! (Hops on his scooter)
In the courtyard
Dumah: (disembowels a guy, and bites another's throat out) Wow, only seventy three innocent casualties this time.
Malek: (cuts a man's legs out from under him, then decapitates two in one swing) Shit, you were counting?
Ice-cream stand
Raziel: Wow, those are pretty.
Zephon: (hitting on some terrified woman) You know, the rumours about drinking Mountain Dew and having your testicles shrink are completely unfounded.
Terrified Woman: Please don't hurt me!
Zephon: Love to rape you, but I gotta run.
Raziel: Too-dal-ooh.
The two of them join the rest of the guys who are running. Nearing the borders, a group of Glyph Knights bar their path.
Glyph Knight 1: You shall not path.
Mike: You mean pass, right?
The Knight doesn't manage to answer, as a man lands on his head, crushing his skull. He kicks off and roundhouses another one's face, twisting the head around to a lethal angle. He touches down lightly, and throws the group a charismatic grin. He wears metal greaves and pads to block, and has a flowing cape. His hands have five blood stained claws each.
Cool Guy: Hey guys!
Mike: Back from business so soon, Orpheum?
OrpheumZero: Commerce just isn't the same anymore. How you guys holding up?
The last two Knights attack him from behind, and he rolls off to the side. Malek takes one down, and Raz kicks the last one in the balls.
Knight: My... groin... (dies from shock)
Dumah: Hey man!
Janos: Good to see you again.
Ryan: Any news from Concept or Angel-chan?
OrpheumZero: You too, no and no. They'll show up.
Kain: Enough talk! To the Pillars! I have to read you guys a chapter.
AT THE Pillars.
Kain: Alright, it goes like this.
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain
Chapter 5: Mike, back in da house
The boys and the Vamp Smurf are on their way to Vasserbunde.
RE Mike: You know, that smurf was pretty stacked.
Kain: My only regret was that I was drunk for it.
Ryan: Damn, how many times have we passed that one lizard?
Kain: Just once.
Ryan: How about that one?
Kain: We haven't reached it yet.
Ryan: And that one?
RE Mike: That's an empty keg, dude.
Ryan: Oh. And that?
Kain: A sign saying 'Welcome to Vasserbunde, the driest city in Nosgoth'.
Ryan: How long till we reach Vasserbunde?
RE Mike: About three seconds.
Guy: Welcome to Vasserbunde! Feel free to drink my blood to achieve the power of disguise!
Ryan and Kain pounce on him and feast upon his lifeblood.
RE Mike: (eats a granola bar)
Kain: Ooh, lemon flavored.
Ryan: My end tasted like banana, really.
RE Mike: Shall we enter?
Kain: Absolutely.
Ryan: Hey look, that guy is riding a buggy!
RE Mike: I'd prefer a Chevy, thank you very much.
Kain: He means a coach.
RE Mike: I realize that.
Coach Rider: You guys want a ride?
Kain: (hops on) Take us to Nupraptor's retreat.
Coach Rider: I can take you to the barrier.
Ryan: (hops on, followed by RE Mike) What barrier? Moebius after Nutty's butt again?
Coach Rider: Yup. Made us all hold candles in the dark to make him a message.
Kain: A message?
Coach Rider: Can I be your bitch.
RE Mike: Eww!
Kain: That is disturbing!
Ryan: No, really?
Coach Rider: (whips the horse) The key to opening the barrier is an evil book called the Necronomicon Ex Mortus. It has evil passages, and none of the local folk have tried to read it!
Kain: Interesting. Where is this book?
Coach Rider: On an alter in front of the mental institute.
RE Mike: Mental institiute?
Coach Rider: He's the world's greatest psychiatrist, he is!
Ryan: Is he?
Coach Rider: He is!
RE Mike: How long until we reach it?
Coach Rider: We've stopped since I told you about the candle message.
Kain: Asshole! (Pokes him with the Iron Butter knife)
The group jumps out, and walk into a cave with a save point and an alter, holding the Necro... something.
Kain: All I have to do is read the right passage... How about this one? Friendus, fatus, give backus!
A purple gate opens and starts to draw in RE Mike.
RE Mike: Wrong passage!! AAHHH(gets sucked in)HH!!!
Kain: Whoops!
Ryan: Damn, two Mike's in a row!
The portal isn't done though, and it throws a figure out. He rises to his feet.
Mike: Mike is in the house!
Ryan: Dude!
Mike: Didja miss me?
Kain: Actually the silence was refreshing. Next passage. Wardus open, or I'll ass your kickus!
The barrier fades out.
Mike: Nice one.
Ryan: Cool... as... HELL!
Mike: The door to Nupraptor's Retreat has opened. Sweet.
Kain: Let's go.
Within the mental institute.
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Kain: No.
Receptionist: Are you in need of one?
Kain: No.
Receptionist: Are you here to kill Nupreator and hold the biggest keggar in history?
Kain: Yes.
Receptionist: I can slip you in as soon as his current appointment is through.
Kain: My thanks.
The three guys take a seat, and wait... and wait... and flip through indecent magazines, and guess what? Wait... Until-
Receptionist: The doctor will se you know!
All Three: Thank you.
In the office
Nut-grabber: Hello. YOU TWO!!
Ryan and Mike: (in a singsong voice) Hello Nut-grabber!
Kain: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEATH!!
Mike: Just a little too dramatic there.
Malek: (appear, and brandishes his pike) WAZZUP?!
Mike: But not that bad.
Nutty: Have you come to ridicule me getting mugged again, ward?
Malek: Pretty much, yeah.
Nut Raptor: Damn.
Kain: I will kill you, and restore Nosgoth's balance!
Nutboy: You're Kain, aren't you?
Kain: Observant for a blind man!
NutTaster: I will not yield without battle!
Kain: (points to the wall) What's that?!
Nutro: Huh? (Turns around)
Kain: Die! (Leaps up and decapitates him)
Kain walks over to the bleeding head, and lifts it over his head.
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well.
Mike: Not as well as us.
Kain: Shut up.
TO BE CONTINUED
Soul Reaver Era
Kain: How was that chapter?
Rahab: Badly arranged.
Turel: Boring.
Raziel: Arousing.
Melchiah: I'm teling you people, scotch tape will not keep my head on!
Malek: I was in it!
Zephon: Good, despite absence of Mountain Dew.
All: (deadpan) Do the dew.
Dumah: Does this count as the next practice meeting?
Kain: No.
Janos: I must say, your youth is intriguing!
Vorador: Not too shabby.
Mike: I could've sworn I kicked his corpse in the crotch...
Ryan: That's the next chapter.
Kain: Alright, tomorrow we read about my first party!
All: (sarcastic) Yay.
TO BE CONTINUED
Alright! Finished another one.
For the sake of Kain, review!!