Disclaimer: I own Mike. I don't own Ryan, I hella don't own Kain, and I don't even want Zephon. The same goes for the Circle of Nine. Or any author appearances. Oh, and there will be...
OrpheumZero: Thank you for [insert review here]. It was a kind message. And yes, I shall do the following games in the series.
Concept of a Demon: As promised, your in.
Author's Note, previously called God of said fic's note: I'm gonna have a lot of character appearances (and disappearances) in this chap, along with a shit load of authors. Well, a few.
My disclaimer is longer than my author's note, what-the-hell?
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain!
Chapter 6(I hope): Death, Pillar Guardians and Chaos!
[Pillars of Nosgoth]
Download Turel's clan theme from the lost worlds, it rocks! (Theme wise)
Kain is passed out upside down on his throne, and Ariel is cooking cookies (with human heart chips) for the boys to have at high school. Yes, their father is the Lord of Nosgoth, and they still have to go to school. (Wouldn't you send the little bastards?) Mike and Ryan are away on business, it seems someone going by the name % gave Not as Defiant as I hoped a bad review.
Death to Kain's foes!!!!
The lieutenants are sitting in a big circle waiting for the bus to take them for a six hour drive to school, and they are praying to Kain that said deity does NOT wake up. Unfortunately, Ariel's porta-stove *DING*'s as the cookies are done baking.
Ariel: get them while they're hot!
Kain: (snaps awake and slips off of the throne, landing head first onto the cement, then collapsing onto the ground) Doof!
Ariel: Oh my Kain! I killed Kain!
Rahab: Perhaps not. Dumah?
Dumah: Yup.
Zephon: (waring a Mountain Dew hat and t-shirt. Kain made him wear jeans before he fell back asleep) Make sure of it.
Raziel: Club him on the head to finish him off!
Turel: Guys, not a good plan!
Melchiah: I'll get his skin, and since it's so strong, it won't rot off!
Dumah: (ignoring Turel) And I'll get the Reaver. (Picks up a club and starts to walk to Kain, he stands over him and is about to club him when he feels something pointy touching his crotch. He looks down)
Kain: (with the Reaver up to Dumah's nads) I suggest you back away. Slowly. Now fast, and watch out for the stove.
Dumah: Huh? (Trips over the stove, stumbles around, and finally gets his balance, before a semi translucent projectile wave hits him in the back of the head and he collapses face first onto the stove) Hot hot hot!!
Ariel: Hold still!! (grabs a spatula and pry's his face off)
Dumah: Huhhh, huhhh, huhhh... (continues breathing deeply, then looks at Turel)
Turel: Mel did it.
Melchiah: What are you talking about? I had to pay you fifty Kainers (dollars, euro, whatever) cuz I thought you wouldn't do it!
Raziel: Ooh, bloodshed time.
Turel: Not funny.
Kain: Actually, it was the funniest damn thing I've seen since Hitler's ghost came back for Malek.
[Malek's Bastion]
Malek: Suffer for your insolence! (Twists a lever)
Malek's Mailman(who was stupid enough to call him bucket boy): Oh god, no!!
The same crushing device from Melchiah's clan begins to descend.
Malek: HAHAAHAHHAHAH!!
Voice: We are having fun, ya?
Malek: Oh shit, not again!
Hitler's Ghost: Gimme some sugar, metal man!
Malek: I'm screwed!!! What the hell is that!?
Soul Reaver Raz: (sneaking up behind Hitler)
Hitler: I'm not going to fall for that, ya!
Raz: Pity. (Pulls off his cowl and devours Hitler)
[Sanctuary of the Clans]
Also called the Pillars
Dumah: Die you strong legged dog! (Charges at Turel)
Turel: (takes advantage of having strong legs and kicks Dumah in the chest, knocking him back) Oops, did I just break a rib?
Dumah: (grinning fiercely with blood running down the corner of his mouth) Let's check. (Feigns left then gives Turel a good right hook) Oops, did I crack a tooth? I'm so sor-Oof! (Gets shot away a la force projectile)
Turel: Take that you over sized spider monkey!
Zephon: (clears his throat)
Turel: ... normal monky.
Dumah: Oh yeah?!
Kain: (picks him off the ground by the hair) Yeah. (Smashes him face first into the ground)
Turel: Thanks dad!
Kain: (telekinesis to draw Turel over, fast, and clotheslines him out of mid air) Anyone else wanna piss me off?
Zephon: (farts)
Kain: You dumb son of a bitch.
Zephon: Heh, you're a bitch!
Kain: (casts lightning on Zephon)
Zephon: Kyaa! (Slams into a column)
Kain: Anyone else?
Rahab: At this time it is more than likely for the remaining three, including myself, to realize the danger of this action.
Ariel: Rahab, ex ne on stating the obvious, you're pissing him off..!
Rahab: Sorry miss Ariel.
Raziel: I can't wait till history class!
All the Lieutenants: (agree in various ways and drool)
Kain: Here's a bit of history for you, my first party since high school. (Pulls out: The Big Book of Blood Omen, starring ME!)
All: Oh god!
Zephon: Please no...
Raziel: You have got to be kidding me! I just fixed my hair!
Kain: What the does that have to do with sitting your ass down and hearing about my amazing exploits?
Dumah: (cracks a rib back into place) I like it dad!
Kain: You had damn well better.
Rahab: It's actually fascinating.
Turel: I hate having the sense of hearing.
Melchiah: (sneaks up beside him) WHAT?
Turel: (jumps up onto the walkway above the fallen Pillars) Mel, YOU SCARED THE UNLIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!!
Melchiah: I try.
Ariel: You can't! (Thinks of an excuse) The kids bus will be here any minute now!!
All: (agree in various fashions)
Kain: It's a six hour drive. Sit your asses down, I'll warp you when the chapters done.
All: (sigh in despair)
Kain: Here it goes. I am a volcano of lust, I finally killed that damn cetra bitch, and knocked up that ninja girl, Godo's daughter. What the hell?
Ariel: You were cheating on me?
Turel: You're the man!
Sephiroth (from FF7): (walks in, takes the book from Kain's hand, and leaves)
Kain: Wrong diary. Anyone make a pun on that and I'll send you to Janos' place for a week!
All: (shudder)
Kain: Here it is.
***
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain, Tome 1
Chapter 6: Drinking like fish, passing out like the Irish
The boys are still in Nupraptor's office, having killed him only moments ago.
Kain: What?! Arrg..! (does the life up animation from BO2, and grows half an inch) Ha! Victory id mine, and mine alone!
Mike: (kicks the late Nupraptor in the crotch) Old fool, hiding all of Nosgoth's alcohol for himself, now we shall rejoice.
Ryan: What's with the proper english, Mike-kun?
Mike: (struggles to keep his rage down) I got bored, figured I'd say something smart.
Kain: Shut up!
Both: (simmer down)
Kain: We shall hold the greatest keg party in Nosgothic history, and become unto their drunk asses Gods!
Ryan: Have you snapped?
Kain: No, but I have bad high school memories.
Mike: Really?
[Flashback]
Kain: (dressed like a teenage nobleman's child, which he is)
Moebius and Mortanius sneak up on him, and drag him into the bathroom stalls and tie him down, then duct tape his mouth to a keg tap. He was brain drunk for six weeks.
[Flashback]
Kain: And I've had it in for those two ever since.
Mike: Since when?
Kain: Weren't you watching my flashback?
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, TV?
Kain VO: And I felt my rage boil to unsurpassed hights, reveling in my-
Mike: Kain, snap out of it!
Kain: Can't you hear my voice over's?!
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, the actual game?
Malek: (who had been standing there since the last chap) Can I move now?
Kain: Do whatever you want, tin man.
Malek: (mumbles incoherently and teleport's away)
Kain: Now, you- (points to Mike) start tapping in to our kegs!
Mike: Deal.
Mike leaves.
Kain: And you- (points to Ryan)
Ryan: (standing there, staring at the coffee stain on the ceiling)
Kain: keep doing that. I'll call EVERYONE down!
Me: Who are you talking to?
Kain: Shut the hell up.
Me: Don't argue with the narrato/author!
Kain: Whatever.
He proceeds to walk into the waiting room, slaughter everyone inside, take a leak, then start calling.
Kain: (dials in a number) Hello, is Concept of a Demon there?
Lesse: Just a second.
Concept: Hello.
Kain: Whoa, you sound just like the guy who picked up the phone!
Concept: Really? What'cha want?
Kain: Remember when Seph0201 said he'd get a bunch of reviewers and fit them in for a special guest star appearance?
Concept: The kegger, I remember.
Kain: Your invited! When can you be down by?
Concept: (standing next to Kain) I already am!
Kain: WHAA! Don't do that!!
Concept: Alright, jeez, don't possess me to go stop Umah from shopping!
Kain: Que?
Concept: Never mind. (Takes a seat)
Kain: (dials another number) Hello, is this Angel-chan?
Angel-chan: Yup. Your author better not have gotten his ass kicked by Malek again, cuz I'm running low on the magic powder.
Kain: Actually, I'm inviting you to the keggar seph0201 promised.
Angel-chan: his fics have gotten so boring, I don't even review them!
Kain: And to avoid him insulting you in this chapter, I suggest you show up for sympathy!
Angel-chan: Oh, why not?
Kain: Because your seventeen and I'm inviting heavy drinking men.
Angel-chan: Oh yeah?! You think I'm a little girl who can't defend herself? I'll be there at eight!
Kain: It's 8:30.
Angel-chan: Who cares?
Kain: Rightio.
Ryan: (comes running in with Nuppy's head in one hand, and a door handle in the other) Check this out! (He stabs the door handle into the head) I made a mug!
Concept: I expected that form Dumah, not you. Still funny as hell!
Kain: Go back to inspecting the stain!
As you can tell, Mike wrote this chapter.
Mike's voice on the wind: No shit!
Kain: (dial's up another number) Is this the Cirlce of Nine?
Mortanius: (on the other end of the phone) Ah, Kain. What is it?
Kain: You assholes wanna get drunk? I just killed the dude with the double A battery charged head.
Mortanius: We'll be there!
Kain: Alright. (Dial's another one) Is this the Seer?
SL: No, she's asleep.
Kain: Then I won't ask why. You two wanna come down to the Vasserbunde institute for the homoeroticaly insane?
SL: I could use a drink. Let me find my briefs.
Kain: Ahh, god my virgin minds eye hath been soiled!
SL: Good for you.
Kain: (dials in another one, again) Is this the pimp daddy of Termogent Forest?
Vorador: Cut the crap Kain, you know it's me. Paul Luthaker's voice is quite distinctive.
Kain: True. Wanna get a few of your brides drunk easily?
Vorador: Just tell me where!!
Kain: Nupraptor's place.
Vorador: I'll be swift. Want me to bring my dad?
Kain: It'll save me a phone call.
Vorador: See you soon.
Kain: (guess what he does?) Hello, is this the four idiot's residence?
Marcus: Ah yes, Kain. With beer I presume?
Kain: You're not invited.
Marcus: And why the hell not?!
Kain: You and Faustus are A) Too feminine, and B) Freak me out. Get the mute guy and Magnus to stop by though.
Marcus: Whatever the hell you say, oh great son of-
Kain: Good bye. (Hangs up on him, thinks for a second, then dial's again) Is this the Residence of OrpheumZero?
OrpheumZero: If this is about starting a cult, I had NOTHING to do with it.
Kain: Actually it's about a kegger.
OrpheumZero: I'll be there on fifteen minutes.
Kain: (dials up one last person)
Son Goku: (the main guy from DBZ) Hi, I'm Goku!
Kain: Is Brolli there?
Son: Just a sec.
Brolli: You had better have a good reason, I was killing Kakarotto.
Kain: Wanna get drunk?
Brolli: Are you coming on to me?
Kain: Who do you take me for? Marcus?
Brolli: (teleports beside Kain) I locked on to your ki.
Kain: At least you didn't land on me!
Concept: Oh yeah, freak out when I teleport in.
Kain: It is set.
Mike: (walks in, wide eyed)
Kain: What is it?
Mike: (picks Kain up and walks him to the next door in the Retreat)
Kain: What the F**K are you doing?
Mike: (opens the door)
The entire building except the first two rooms is completely covered and filled with kegs.
Kain: (wide eyed) Holy-
Every window withing 1 light year shatters, killing a lt of aliens, too.
Ariel: (completely stunned) Whathehellwasthat?
[PARTY HOUR]
Kain: (completely surrounded with Vorador's brides) So then I says to him I says– Kiss my ass!
All: (start to giggle)
Random Bride: Aren't you so cute!
Kain: Hold me to your chest!
Vorador: (crushes the mug in his hand)
Brolli: (tears off the top of a keg and chugs the whole thing) Beat that!
Angel-chan: (does the same thing, then crushes it on her head)
Brolli: 0-0 Okay... time to rethink my strategy. (Picks on up and bites it, draining all the beer. He can't handle so much, and passes out)
Angel-chan: Most dominate being in the universe my–
Ryan: (holding Nupraptor's Mug, as he calls it, then scoops up some beer with it) I love beer, beer loves me, then I drink it and watch cheap porn! (Chugs it)
OrpheumZero: You call that a chug! (Dunks his head in a tank and drains it of it's fluids) Try doing that!
Ryan: How about, no?
OrpheumZero: I knew you didn't have it in you!
Sarafan Lord: (with the Seer on his lap) How's the party, my darling?
Seer: It makes me shiver with excitement, like the first time I saw your- (gets flung over Magnus' shoulder) Hey!
Magnus: 1400 ounces of meet, brined with implants, oozing with a hot body! MEAT! (Runs off)
Sarafan Lord: Gimme back my girl friend you psychotic freak show!! You!
Sebastian: Yes?
Sarafan Lord: (swipes his voice box) Get me back my woman, or no pay for a century!
Sebastian: (runs off using his speed ability which was weakened down to berserk for the final cut of the game)
Magnus: None shall have my MEAT!! Rupture! (Which was weakened down to immolate for the game)
Sebastian: (all the blood in his body explodes out of him) (tries to say something, then passes out)
Magnus: Hahahaha! 1400 ounces of meat for 100 stones! My allotment is fulfilled!
Seer: Then let me the hell go!
Magnus: (runs out cackling madly)
Sarafan Lord: (looks down to the mangled Sebastian) No pay for a century.
Mortanius: Oh, I have not had such fun for many a century! How are you doing?
Moebius: (drunk off his ass) ME drinkEE to much bEEr... (passes out)
Bane: This drink is an affront to nature! I must purify it! (Chugs it)
Malek: I should've gotten the bastard killed earlier. Do any of you have a secret stash?
All: No.
Malek: Shit.
Dejoule: The one vampire is staring at me!
Mortanius: (sees Mike staring evilly at her) He's just being friendly.
Dejoule: (looks at him)
Mike: (waves suggestively) Helloo... Dejoule!
Dejoule: (sits up straight and make's sure she has her dress on right)
Azimuth: Give me fifteen minutes with him!
All: (stare at her)
Anecrothe: Disturbing.
Moebius: (wakes up and staggers over to Concept) You know when I was your age I was in to older men.
Concept: (catches the Sarafan Lord as he runs by) Hold my drink.
SL: Okay. (Does so)
Moe: Ooh, playful.
Concept: Hold still. (Dashes to him in a heartbeat and Berserk's his ass 27 times, then flip kicks him into the air, and roundhouses him on his way down) You've been f**ked.
Moe: I can't move from the waist down!
Concept: Consider yourself lucky, I was aiming for your neck. (Takes his beer back.)
SL: Whoa.
Kain: (gets onto a table and tabs his Iron Butter knife against his mug)
Everyone - Moe: (look at him)
Moe: What's going on? I'm paraplegic, I can't see him!
Kain: I dub this, the greatest party in Nosgothic history!
All: Yeah!
Kain: Now if you don't mind, I'll pass out now. (Falls off the table onto a glass table, shattering it) Ow.
END OF CHAPTER
***
[Sanctuary of the Clans]
Kain: And that was my first keg party.
Rahab: How is it that you played so little a part in the chapter, and knew what everyone else was doing?
Turel: And can I start drinking?
Kain: Go to hell, and screw off.
Ariel: So that's what that horrible potty mouth was!
Dumah: You talk like Janos, you know?
Ariel: I try and I try, and he's still a better mother figure than me!
Raziel: That's because he takes us shopping, and buys me make up and makes us lunch and makes us good cookies and-
Zephon: Rubbed off on Raz a little to hard.
Melchiah: Dad, if my head ever falls off again, do you think Ryan will do that to me?
Kain: No doubt on my mind.
Rahab: You must take us to school, or we'll miss History class!
All the lieutenants: AAAHHH!!!
Kain: What's up with History class?
Turel: (whispers into his dad's ear) Umah's the teacher and she dresses like a Japanese school girl.
Kain: (disappears and reappears in a flash, 'cept now he has a packsack slung over his shoulder and has a t-shirt on) You know, I never made it past the 10th grade.
Turel: We're in 9th.
Kain: Shut the hell up.
Ariel: Oh Kain, I'm so glad you took an interest in education, and in your children!
Rahab: (tearing up) I love you dad!
Kain: Doesn't that hurt?
Rahab: Nope.
Kain: My boy!! (proud that he evolved, and gives him a hug)
Melchiah: I can walk through things!
Kain: My baby boy! (Hugs him)
Raziel: I'm good looking!
Kain: Go blow Moe.
Zephon: Heheh, you rhymed! You should become a rapper!
Kain: I'll cast myself into the abyss before I do that.
Turel: I have a force projectile!
Dumah: And I can constrict!
Kain: I love all five of you! (Hugs them all except Raz)
Raz: If I want dad's respect, I gotta do something cool. I know, I'll get him a date with Umah! (Looks at Ariel) But that'll break her heart! (Looks at the group hug) But I wanna be the damn favorite!!
To Be ContiNued. Or should I say, conti nude?
Kain: Shut up.
Next time: Does the pretty boys plans come true? Will Kain respect him, and how will Umah react to having to teach the man who WROTE the damn history books?
OrpheumZero: Thank you for [insert review here]. It was a kind message. And yes, I shall do the following games in the series.
Concept of a Demon: As promised, your in.
Author's Note, previously called God of said fic's note: I'm gonna have a lot of character appearances (and disappearances) in this chap, along with a shit load of authors. Well, a few.
My disclaimer is longer than my author's note, what-the-hell?
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain!
Chapter 6(I hope): Death, Pillar Guardians and Chaos!
[Pillars of Nosgoth]
Download Turel's clan theme from the lost worlds, it rocks! (Theme wise)
Kain is passed out upside down on his throne, and Ariel is cooking cookies (with human heart chips) for the boys to have at high school. Yes, their father is the Lord of Nosgoth, and they still have to go to school. (Wouldn't you send the little bastards?) Mike and Ryan are away on business, it seems someone going by the name % gave Not as Defiant as I hoped a bad review.
Death to Kain's foes!!!!
The lieutenants are sitting in a big circle waiting for the bus to take them for a six hour drive to school, and they are praying to Kain that said deity does NOT wake up. Unfortunately, Ariel's porta-stove *DING*'s as the cookies are done baking.
Ariel: get them while they're hot!
Kain: (snaps awake and slips off of the throne, landing head first onto the cement, then collapsing onto the ground) Doof!
Ariel: Oh my Kain! I killed Kain!
Rahab: Perhaps not. Dumah?
Dumah: Yup.
Zephon: (waring a Mountain Dew hat and t-shirt. Kain made him wear jeans before he fell back asleep) Make sure of it.
Raziel: Club him on the head to finish him off!
Turel: Guys, not a good plan!
Melchiah: I'll get his skin, and since it's so strong, it won't rot off!
Dumah: (ignoring Turel) And I'll get the Reaver. (Picks up a club and starts to walk to Kain, he stands over him and is about to club him when he feels something pointy touching his crotch. He looks down)
Kain: (with the Reaver up to Dumah's nads) I suggest you back away. Slowly. Now fast, and watch out for the stove.
Dumah: Huh? (Trips over the stove, stumbles around, and finally gets his balance, before a semi translucent projectile wave hits him in the back of the head and he collapses face first onto the stove) Hot hot hot!!
Ariel: Hold still!! (grabs a spatula and pry's his face off)
Dumah: Huhhh, huhhh, huhhh... (continues breathing deeply, then looks at Turel)
Turel: Mel did it.
Melchiah: What are you talking about? I had to pay you fifty Kainers (dollars, euro, whatever) cuz I thought you wouldn't do it!
Raziel: Ooh, bloodshed time.
Turel: Not funny.
Kain: Actually, it was the funniest damn thing I've seen since Hitler's ghost came back for Malek.
[Malek's Bastion]
Malek: Suffer for your insolence! (Twists a lever)
Malek's Mailman(who was stupid enough to call him bucket boy): Oh god, no!!
The same crushing device from Melchiah's clan begins to descend.
Malek: HAHAAHAHHAHAH!!
Voice: We are having fun, ya?
Malek: Oh shit, not again!
Hitler's Ghost: Gimme some sugar, metal man!
Malek: I'm screwed!!! What the hell is that!?
Soul Reaver Raz: (sneaking up behind Hitler)
Hitler: I'm not going to fall for that, ya!
Raz: Pity. (Pulls off his cowl and devours Hitler)
[Sanctuary of the Clans]
Also called the Pillars
Dumah: Die you strong legged dog! (Charges at Turel)
Turel: (takes advantage of having strong legs and kicks Dumah in the chest, knocking him back) Oops, did I just break a rib?
Dumah: (grinning fiercely with blood running down the corner of his mouth) Let's check. (Feigns left then gives Turel a good right hook) Oops, did I crack a tooth? I'm so sor-Oof! (Gets shot away a la force projectile)
Turel: Take that you over sized spider monkey!
Zephon: (clears his throat)
Turel: ... normal monky.
Dumah: Oh yeah?!
Kain: (picks him off the ground by the hair) Yeah. (Smashes him face first into the ground)
Turel: Thanks dad!
Kain: (telekinesis to draw Turel over, fast, and clotheslines him out of mid air) Anyone else wanna piss me off?
Zephon: (farts)
Kain: You dumb son of a bitch.
Zephon: Heh, you're a bitch!
Kain: (casts lightning on Zephon)
Zephon: Kyaa! (Slams into a column)
Kain: Anyone else?
Rahab: At this time it is more than likely for the remaining three, including myself, to realize the danger of this action.
Ariel: Rahab, ex ne on stating the obvious, you're pissing him off..!
Rahab: Sorry miss Ariel.
Raziel: I can't wait till history class!
All the Lieutenants: (agree in various ways and drool)
Kain: Here's a bit of history for you, my first party since high school. (Pulls out: The Big Book of Blood Omen, starring ME!)
All: Oh god!
Zephon: Please no...
Raziel: You have got to be kidding me! I just fixed my hair!
Kain: What the does that have to do with sitting your ass down and hearing about my amazing exploits?
Dumah: (cracks a rib back into place) I like it dad!
Kain: You had damn well better.
Rahab: It's actually fascinating.
Turel: I hate having the sense of hearing.
Melchiah: (sneaks up beside him) WHAT?
Turel: (jumps up onto the walkway above the fallen Pillars) Mel, YOU SCARED THE UNLIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!!
Melchiah: I try.
Ariel: You can't! (Thinks of an excuse) The kids bus will be here any minute now!!
All: (agree in various fashions)
Kain: It's a six hour drive. Sit your asses down, I'll warp you when the chapters done.
All: (sigh in despair)
Kain: Here it goes. I am a volcano of lust, I finally killed that damn cetra bitch, and knocked up that ninja girl, Godo's daughter. What the hell?
Ariel: You were cheating on me?
Turel: You're the man!
Sephiroth (from FF7): (walks in, takes the book from Kain's hand, and leaves)
Kain: Wrong diary. Anyone make a pun on that and I'll send you to Janos' place for a week!
All: (shudder)
Kain: Here it is.
***
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain, Tome 1
Chapter 6: Drinking like fish, passing out like the Irish
The boys are still in Nupraptor's office, having killed him only moments ago.
Kain: What?! Arrg..! (does the life up animation from BO2, and grows half an inch) Ha! Victory id mine, and mine alone!
Mike: (kicks the late Nupraptor in the crotch) Old fool, hiding all of Nosgoth's alcohol for himself, now we shall rejoice.
Ryan: What's with the proper english, Mike-kun?
Mike: (struggles to keep his rage down) I got bored, figured I'd say something smart.
Kain: Shut up!
Both: (simmer down)
Kain: We shall hold the greatest keg party in Nosgothic history, and become unto their drunk asses Gods!
Ryan: Have you snapped?
Kain: No, but I have bad high school memories.
Mike: Really?
[Flashback]
Kain: (dressed like a teenage nobleman's child, which he is)
Moebius and Mortanius sneak up on him, and drag him into the bathroom stalls and tie him down, then duct tape his mouth to a keg tap. He was brain drunk for six weeks.
[Flashback]
Kain: And I've had it in for those two ever since.
Mike: Since when?
Kain: Weren't you watching my flashback?
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, TV?
Kain VO: And I felt my rage boil to unsurpassed hights, reveling in my-
Mike: Kain, snap out of it!
Kain: Can't you hear my voice over's?!
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, the actual game?
Malek: (who had been standing there since the last chap) Can I move now?
Kain: Do whatever you want, tin man.
Malek: (mumbles incoherently and teleport's away)
Kain: Now, you- (points to Mike) start tapping in to our kegs!
Mike: Deal.
Mike leaves.
Kain: And you- (points to Ryan)
Ryan: (standing there, staring at the coffee stain on the ceiling)
Kain: keep doing that. I'll call EVERYONE down!
Me: Who are you talking to?
Kain: Shut the hell up.
Me: Don't argue with the narrato/author!
Kain: Whatever.
He proceeds to walk into the waiting room, slaughter everyone inside, take a leak, then start calling.
Kain: (dials in a number) Hello, is Concept of a Demon there?
Lesse: Just a second.
Concept: Hello.
Kain: Whoa, you sound just like the guy who picked up the phone!
Concept: Really? What'cha want?
Kain: Remember when Seph0201 said he'd get a bunch of reviewers and fit them in for a special guest star appearance?
Concept: The kegger, I remember.
Kain: Your invited! When can you be down by?
Concept: (standing next to Kain) I already am!
Kain: WHAA! Don't do that!!
Concept: Alright, jeez, don't possess me to go stop Umah from shopping!
Kain: Que?
Concept: Never mind. (Takes a seat)
Kain: (dials another number) Hello, is this Angel-chan?
Angel-chan: Yup. Your author better not have gotten his ass kicked by Malek again, cuz I'm running low on the magic powder.
Kain: Actually, I'm inviting you to the keggar seph0201 promised.
Angel-chan: his fics have gotten so boring, I don't even review them!
Kain: And to avoid him insulting you in this chapter, I suggest you show up for sympathy!
Angel-chan: Oh, why not?
Kain: Because your seventeen and I'm inviting heavy drinking men.
Angel-chan: Oh yeah?! You think I'm a little girl who can't defend herself? I'll be there at eight!
Kain: It's 8:30.
Angel-chan: Who cares?
Kain: Rightio.
Ryan: (comes running in with Nuppy's head in one hand, and a door handle in the other) Check this out! (He stabs the door handle into the head) I made a mug!
Concept: I expected that form Dumah, not you. Still funny as hell!
Kain: Go back to inspecting the stain!
As you can tell, Mike wrote this chapter.
Mike's voice on the wind: No shit!
Kain: (dial's up another number) Is this the Cirlce of Nine?
Mortanius: (on the other end of the phone) Ah, Kain. What is it?
Kain: You assholes wanna get drunk? I just killed the dude with the double A battery charged head.
Mortanius: We'll be there!
Kain: Alright. (Dial's another one) Is this the Seer?
SL: No, she's asleep.
Kain: Then I won't ask why. You two wanna come down to the Vasserbunde institute for the homoeroticaly insane?
SL: I could use a drink. Let me find my briefs.
Kain: Ahh, god my virgin minds eye hath been soiled!
SL: Good for you.
Kain: (dials in another one, again) Is this the pimp daddy of Termogent Forest?
Vorador: Cut the crap Kain, you know it's me. Paul Luthaker's voice is quite distinctive.
Kain: True. Wanna get a few of your brides drunk easily?
Vorador: Just tell me where!!
Kain: Nupraptor's place.
Vorador: I'll be swift. Want me to bring my dad?
Kain: It'll save me a phone call.
Vorador: See you soon.
Kain: (guess what he does?) Hello, is this the four idiot's residence?
Marcus: Ah yes, Kain. With beer I presume?
Kain: You're not invited.
Marcus: And why the hell not?!
Kain: You and Faustus are A) Too feminine, and B) Freak me out. Get the mute guy and Magnus to stop by though.
Marcus: Whatever the hell you say, oh great son of-
Kain: Good bye. (Hangs up on him, thinks for a second, then dial's again) Is this the Residence of OrpheumZero?
OrpheumZero: If this is about starting a cult, I had NOTHING to do with it.
Kain: Actually it's about a kegger.
OrpheumZero: I'll be there on fifteen minutes.
Kain: (dials up one last person)
Son Goku: (the main guy from DBZ) Hi, I'm Goku!
Kain: Is Brolli there?
Son: Just a sec.
Brolli: You had better have a good reason, I was killing Kakarotto.
Kain: Wanna get drunk?
Brolli: Are you coming on to me?
Kain: Who do you take me for? Marcus?
Brolli: (teleports beside Kain) I locked on to your ki.
Kain: At least you didn't land on me!
Concept: Oh yeah, freak out when I teleport in.
Kain: It is set.
Mike: (walks in, wide eyed)
Kain: What is it?
Mike: (picks Kain up and walks him to the next door in the Retreat)
Kain: What the F**K are you doing?
Mike: (opens the door)
The entire building except the first two rooms is completely covered and filled with kegs.
Kain: (wide eyed) Holy-
Every window withing 1 light year shatters, killing a lt of aliens, too.
Ariel: (completely stunned) Whathehellwasthat?
[PARTY HOUR]
Kain: (completely surrounded with Vorador's brides) So then I says to him I says– Kiss my ass!
All: (start to giggle)
Random Bride: Aren't you so cute!
Kain: Hold me to your chest!
Vorador: (crushes the mug in his hand)
Brolli: (tears off the top of a keg and chugs the whole thing) Beat that!
Angel-chan: (does the same thing, then crushes it on her head)
Brolli: 0-0 Okay... time to rethink my strategy. (Picks on up and bites it, draining all the beer. He can't handle so much, and passes out)
Angel-chan: Most dominate being in the universe my–
Ryan: (holding Nupraptor's Mug, as he calls it, then scoops up some beer with it) I love beer, beer loves me, then I drink it and watch cheap porn! (Chugs it)
OrpheumZero: You call that a chug! (Dunks his head in a tank and drains it of it's fluids) Try doing that!
Ryan: How about, no?
OrpheumZero: I knew you didn't have it in you!
Sarafan Lord: (with the Seer on his lap) How's the party, my darling?
Seer: It makes me shiver with excitement, like the first time I saw your- (gets flung over Magnus' shoulder) Hey!
Magnus: 1400 ounces of meet, brined with implants, oozing with a hot body! MEAT! (Runs off)
Sarafan Lord: Gimme back my girl friend you psychotic freak show!! You!
Sebastian: Yes?
Sarafan Lord: (swipes his voice box) Get me back my woman, or no pay for a century!
Sebastian: (runs off using his speed ability which was weakened down to berserk for the final cut of the game)
Magnus: None shall have my MEAT!! Rupture! (Which was weakened down to immolate for the game)
Sebastian: (all the blood in his body explodes out of him) (tries to say something, then passes out)
Magnus: Hahahaha! 1400 ounces of meat for 100 stones! My allotment is fulfilled!
Seer: Then let me the hell go!
Magnus: (runs out cackling madly)
Sarafan Lord: (looks down to the mangled Sebastian) No pay for a century.
Mortanius: Oh, I have not had such fun for many a century! How are you doing?
Moebius: (drunk off his ass) ME drinkEE to much bEEr... (passes out)
Bane: This drink is an affront to nature! I must purify it! (Chugs it)
Malek: I should've gotten the bastard killed earlier. Do any of you have a secret stash?
All: No.
Malek: Shit.
Dejoule: The one vampire is staring at me!
Mortanius: (sees Mike staring evilly at her) He's just being friendly.
Dejoule: (looks at him)
Mike: (waves suggestively) Helloo... Dejoule!
Dejoule: (sits up straight and make's sure she has her dress on right)
Azimuth: Give me fifteen minutes with him!
All: (stare at her)
Anecrothe: Disturbing.
Moebius: (wakes up and staggers over to Concept) You know when I was your age I was in to older men.
Concept: (catches the Sarafan Lord as he runs by) Hold my drink.
SL: Okay. (Does so)
Moe: Ooh, playful.
Concept: Hold still. (Dashes to him in a heartbeat and Berserk's his ass 27 times, then flip kicks him into the air, and roundhouses him on his way down) You've been f**ked.
Moe: I can't move from the waist down!
Concept: Consider yourself lucky, I was aiming for your neck. (Takes his beer back.)
SL: Whoa.
Kain: (gets onto a table and tabs his Iron Butter knife against his mug)
Everyone - Moe: (look at him)
Moe: What's going on? I'm paraplegic, I can't see him!
Kain: I dub this, the greatest party in Nosgothic history!
All: Yeah!
Kain: Now if you don't mind, I'll pass out now. (Falls off the table onto a glass table, shattering it) Ow.
END OF CHAPTER
***
[Sanctuary of the Clans]
Kain: And that was my first keg party.
Rahab: How is it that you played so little a part in the chapter, and knew what everyone else was doing?
Turel: And can I start drinking?
Kain: Go to hell, and screw off.
Ariel: So that's what that horrible potty mouth was!
Dumah: You talk like Janos, you know?
Ariel: I try and I try, and he's still a better mother figure than me!
Raziel: That's because he takes us shopping, and buys me make up and makes us lunch and makes us good cookies and-
Zephon: Rubbed off on Raz a little to hard.
Melchiah: Dad, if my head ever falls off again, do you think Ryan will do that to me?
Kain: No doubt on my mind.
Rahab: You must take us to school, or we'll miss History class!
All the lieutenants: AAAHHH!!!
Kain: What's up with History class?
Turel: (whispers into his dad's ear) Umah's the teacher and she dresses like a Japanese school girl.
Kain: (disappears and reappears in a flash, 'cept now he has a packsack slung over his shoulder and has a t-shirt on) You know, I never made it past the 10th grade.
Turel: We're in 9th.
Kain: Shut the hell up.
Ariel: Oh Kain, I'm so glad you took an interest in education, and in your children!
Rahab: (tearing up) I love you dad!
Kain: Doesn't that hurt?
Rahab: Nope.
Kain: My boy!! (proud that he evolved, and gives him a hug)
Melchiah: I can walk through things!
Kain: My baby boy! (Hugs him)
Raziel: I'm good looking!
Kain: Go blow Moe.
Zephon: Heheh, you rhymed! You should become a rapper!
Kain: I'll cast myself into the abyss before I do that.
Turel: I have a force projectile!
Dumah: And I can constrict!
Kain: I love all five of you! (Hugs them all except Raz)
Raz: If I want dad's respect, I gotta do something cool. I know, I'll get him a date with Umah! (Looks at Ariel) But that'll break her heart! (Looks at the group hug) But I wanna be the damn favorite!!
To Be ContiNued. Or should I say, conti nude?
Kain: Shut up.
Next time: Does the pretty boys plans come true? Will Kain respect him, and how will Umah react to having to teach the man who WROTE the damn history books?