Disclaimer: *sob* No! They aren't mine! I admit! Uhh… right. I'm ok. And the lyrics are from Swim's song "Time Dilutes The Past"
A/N: Phew! After almost two months, chapter nine is FINALLY finished, thanks to lots of help from Kris! Sorry for the lack of updates, don't give up hope!
Chapter 9: Blacken
Liz eventually convinced me to go back to the loft, along with everyone else. Upon arriving, the six of us stood awkwardly in the kitchen. Though thoroughly exhausted, we couldn't sit on the blood-soaked sofa, nor could any of us face the flood waiting for us. I slid down to the floor and hugged my knees, and the others eventually followed suit. A couple lines from one of Roger's lesser-appreciated songs were on repeat in my head.
Just remember that time dilutes the past
Think on this one
Time dilutes his past
Time dilutes his past. Time dilutes everyone's past. I listened to my watch tick for hours before the phone rang. We all looked up at each other and thought the same thing. Who was going to brave the room? The phone rang again. Collins squeezed Angel's hand and tightly and stood up. I started to follow him, but he pushed me back down. We watched him anxiously and listened closely to his end of the conversation.
"Hello? Yes. No, he's not; he's in the hospital. Me? Yes. He did? Tomorrow? That should be okay. Thanks, you too." He scuttled back into the room and resumed his position on the floor, while we all looked at him questioningly.
"Mimi's funeral. Apparently, Roger was made arrangements. It's tomorrow morning."
"What about Roger? He should come, but he can't." Maureen said quietly. Joanne patted her arm comfortingly.
"He'll be upset, yes, but it's better he didn't come, even if he was able to." She replied. Liz put her head on my shoulder, and somehow we all managed to drift off to sleep.
Light drizzle covered everything as we stood solemnly around the freshly dug ground. No one cried. There is a point that you reach after a number of saddening, traumatic experiences that your grief is beyond tears. We were miles past there. And everyone was painfully aware of the empty space that Roger would have occupied. At some point, someone would have to speak. No one seemed to want to be the first. Liz looked at me pleadingly for a few seconds, and then cleared her throat and began.
"I didn't know Mimi for nearly as long as all of you, but I knew her enough to know how much of an amazing person she is-was. Between Mark, Roger, and I, she seemed to inspire us all. She convinced me to send some of my writing off to a magazine. She convinced us all to put our work out on the line. She was like our cheerleader, so altruistic, all the time. I never had a closer friend." Why couldn't we just say rest in peace and be done with us? Why must we stand here and torture ourselves in public when we could just as easily do it alone? I pulled Liz in close and watched the world swirl around me. Someone was speaking now; I couldn't make it out it all blurred together into a mass of dizzying, swirling images and vague sounds that I thought I didn't hear. I heard myself speaking something, something that sounded so foreign; it couldn't have been me talking. Someone, Mimi, was moving toward me, calling for me.
"Mimi!" I sobbed, "Mimi! I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone! I was just-" but she continued to call,
"Mark! Mark!" But it wasn't Mimi anymore; it was Roger yelling at me. Yelling to leave him and his guitar alone, that if he wanted to spend his life sulking, it was his business and I should stay out of it. But I kept hearing,
"Mark! MARK!" No! Leave me alone! "MARK!" My eyes snapped open. Liz was shaking me, and she had that all too familiar concerned look on her face. "Mark, everyone's gone. Are you coming?" I looked around at the empty space surrounding me. Everyone was gone.
"Just a second" I managed to say. She looked at me for a long time and then replied,
"Alright, I'll meet you down the hill in a bit, okay?" I nodded and she walked off. I then realized that I was gripping the prayer card rather tightly in my hand, tight enough to live a red line across my palm. Loosening my grip, I stood before Mimi's grave as the silence made my ears ring. I inhaled deeply and the frigid air burned my lungs.
"Mimi." I began. "Mimi, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. After everything you did for me, all I can do is run away from the people I love and cause you to die. Roger's right. I'm an asshole. I abandoned my best friends, and let one of them die." I sighed. "I remember all our impromptu parties we had, whenever we were missing something we couldn't afford, mainly food, and we'd frolic on down to your floor. What happened to us, Meems? How did we get here?" Just standing there, I felt guilty about everything I'd ever done, to her, to Roger, to Liz, to everyone. "Goodbye, Mimi. Goodbye." I turned and went down the hill quickly, before I could change my mind.
Joining Liz at the bottom of the hill, she told me that everyone was heading back to the hospital to check on Roger and asked if I wanted to go. I cringed. Could I really face him after attending his girlfriend's funeral? Not to mention the fact that he'd be angry with me for not letting him go, even though he was obviously in no condition to.
"No. I'm…uh…going back to the loft to…uh…work on my film." I lied. She knew I was lying, but nodded and hugged me anyway.
"I'll see you later, then. You sure you don't want to come?"
"I'm sure."
"Alright. Just don't do anything you'll regret later, pookie." Pookie? Oh no! Not pookie, anything but pookie! I thought. I wandered off down Avenue B, slightly dazed. Everything I passed reminded me of Mimi and Roger. I was always told that life isn't fair, but how come they never told me that life wasn't simple?
Somehow, I ended up back at the loft. It was the last place I wanted to be, but in a morbid way, I was drawn to it. Entering the deserted loft, a deafening silence engulfed me and pulled me further from reality. More dazed than before, I plowed through the loft to my room and curled up on the floor near the wall, the coldest spot. Lying on the cold hardwood floor, my thoughts raced until I finally drifted into something like half-sleep.