August 4, 2000
Men and their pissing contests are the most annoying subjects on this planet; but, alas, I get far ahead of myself. Let me backtrack a good bit…
After the incident with the Wizard's photo, it became very clear that I, too, had become an annoying obsession for my "prey." As you know from my earlier writings, I am in search of a man with good wits about him. Please do not think that I would be opposed to a good shag here and there either, but I need someone that I can mentally spar with AND keep me on my toes. Luckily, Severus just keeps proving himself more and more.
By lunch of the same day, he had his response to my striptease photo. It started off innocent enough. He gallantly took his seat by mine and sneered in my direction. I, of course, immediately responded with an overly sweet, "Hello again, Severus."
He took to eating and I took to watching him out of the corner of my eye.
About five minutes later, the doors to the Great Hall opened and in walked a leprechaun.
The leprechaun strode directly to the Head Table and bowed to us all. Seeing no outward reaction from Severus, I relaxed a little. Bad, Bad, Idea…Once again, I am getting ahead of myself.
The leprechaun started with a "Top 'O the Noon" and asked for a "Miss Hermione Granger."
I muttered a quiet, "Oh Morgana the Sorceress help me now." under my breath.
Dumbledore was no help; he immediately chuckled and pointed an accusing finger at me. Blasted Man, if he was not my superior, I would add him to my list of annoyances. As it were, I had to sit and accept what was coming next.
The leprechaun appreciatively bowed to Dumbledore and walked to stand in front of me. He raised his top hat to me in greeting and introduced himself as Larry the Leprechaun. He then informed me that he was a courier and had a message for me.
At that, the lights in the Great Hall magically dimmed and a spotlight fell on Larry. This was immediately followed by the sounds of "I Wanna Sex You Up."
As the pop tune strummed in the background, the leprechaun began gyrating his hips and unbuttoning his crisp white shirt.
At this, feminine gasps could be heard from every corner of the Head Table(s). McGonagall, Hooch, Sprout…all of them, wore shocked expressions, but, I quickly surmised, were watching with intense interest.
The leprechaun continued his movements despite the flutter of responses from the audience. By now, his shirt was completely undone and was hanging open in what should have been a very sexy way. Somehow, a leprechaun has a hard time pulling that look off; maybe that is why leprechauns are not featured heavily in muggle movies, no matter, my visit to Hades continued.
He pulled the shirt off and threw it at Professor Hooch. The blasted woman giggled like a school girl. I was getting no "girl power" from my former women professors. Merlin's Beard, one walking into the situation, would have thought they had never received any attention from a man before.
The leprechaun was now humping the bloody floor in what SHOULD have been an exciting manner; but once again, THIS IS A LEPRECHAUN.
He swayed his buttocks in my general direction and then flipped his pants off with a great flourish. Have you ever seen a leprechaun in a neon orange thong? Don't.
Then, he turned around. Dear Merlin, the little man was hung like a HORSE! He continued his hip swaying; but now, it was marked by the bobbing of an appendage.
While still holding his pants, he moved around the table (gyrating all the way with suggestive thrusts here and there) and stopped behind me. He wrapped the green pants around my neck and began shimming behind me. And yes, I could feel the damned tallywacker.
By now, all the female professors were clapping their hands in time with the music and cheering the small fellow on. Dumbledore and his male cohorts were trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to hide their inelegant sniggers.
I was brought from my festered epiphanies by the little bastard pulling my chair out with me in it. He then proceeded to sit in my lap and run his hands through my hair.
As if my indignation were not complete, the little prick did a back flip from my lap and landed facing me on that once great and honorable table. With one quick thrust to the left and a flick of his wrist, the orange thong was no more. By Merlin's mighty balls themselves – I've never seen such a sight. And it was at this moment in my life I realized that I should never again refer to any leprechaun as "little prick".
The men's sniggers were now at full throttle and the women were beside themselves grappling for the leprechaun's attention. But no, he was there for me and me alone.
The leprechaun cleared his throat and began:
I know myself a girl, her name is Hermione.
And when I'm ever around her, I'm as happy as can be!
Being around Mione is like drinking the elixir of life.
So won't you make me happy, and become by beautiful wife!
Love, Mr. Ronald S. Weasley
When he finished, he leaned in for a kiss, the Cheeky Bastard; but I quickly turned my head and presented my cheek instead. He picked up his pants and headed for the door.
My colleagues were wiping their eyes, some from romantic tears and others from mad laughter.
I found myself waging an inner battle to not throw a scene right there and then. My pragmatic side eventually won and I walked out of the Hall with my head held high. However, not before "my prey" released a great guffaw. It was quick and to the point, but was designed to assure that I knew who had pulled that little stunt. As if Ron and I were ever romantically involved, the very thought sent shivers of disgust down my erect back. Ugh!
Needless to say I was made quite the spectacle of and found myself repeating a million times that Ron and I were not involved and that the "incident" was a joke by a very deranged person.
Unfortunately, my incident was still all the rage at dinner later on that evening and I had to sit there once again and endure it in a façade of pleasantness. Severus, of course, was enjoying himself immensely. The man had the nerve to turn to me during dinner and ask if I had responded to Mr. Weasley, by chance.
To make matters even worse, (I swear every time I think it cannot get worse…I get bitten by the "Yes, it can" bug.) someone had sent a note to Ron during the day and his response showed up right as Severus was returning his attention to dinner. You guessed it, a blasted HOWLER.
In a booming, magnified voice, "Hermione Anne Granger it is polite to let someone know when you are going to use them in a Practical Joke! For Zeus' sake, Hermione, my girlfriend called me in tears after hearing about my "Proposal" in Hogsmeade. And by the way, I have more taste than to use a fuckin' bloody dancing leprechaun! Twelve dancing dwarfs maybe, but a leprechaun?! I thought you knew I had better taste than that."
At the last bit, Severus quietly snorted so that only I would hear. Unfortunately, I was not the only one to hear as we all were about to find out.
Everyone else at the table sat in stunned silence, until Sirius screeched his chair back in a threatening manner and walked to stand behind Severus.
"I don't suppose you know anything about the singing and dancing leprechaun, Greaseball?" He growled.
Severus stood up and turned to face Sirius. He responded to him with a "Sit."
I saw the fury flash in Sirius' eyes with the thinly veiled dog reference.
"You bloody wanker how you dare insult Hermione or me. You are nothing but a crook-nosed, smarmy git that doesn't know any better than to hurt the people around him."
At the "git" comment, Severus had pulled and pointed his wand at Sirius.
I went to intervene, but Dumbledore beat me to it. He stepped between the men and asked them both to return to their chambers for the evening.
Argh! Remember what I said about men and their pissing contests? Before Sirius left, he winked at me and rubbed my shoulder in reassurance. As if I need anyone to fight my battles for me, I had been able to take care of myself for years; just ask Harry and Ron.
I would have gotten up and followed Severus out of the Hall, but I had some plotting to do. So, instead, I headed to the library for some light reading.
A/N: "I Wanna Sex You Up" was done by Color Me Badd. I don't own it in anyway…