Woven Bracelets
by Aki Midori
Rating: PG
Genre: Drama /Shounen-ai/
Summary: Thick threads with two colors were painstakingly woven together to form a single bracelet. Then there are two bracelets... made for two people whose lives are woven together... to form a single story. A painful, yet poignant story.
diScLAimerS: Slam Dunk and its characters are all property of Inoue Takehiko
-------------------
Woven Bracelets
11 July
Dearest Kaede,
It seems so funny how, in the midst of my writing, I could easily think of you. I was writing another humor story, as always, but as I typed away in my keyboard, I saw the woven bracelet. And then it reminded me of you.
Of our friendship.
And then I have to smile, close the recent file I'm working on, and then I had this sudden urge to write you a letter again. I am a writer, after all. I could easily write away all my thoughts, all my feelings, and then create a simple story for everyone, including you, to read. I write about anything and everything, and you're always the first one to read it, ne? So now, let me just type away my thoughts...
Let's see now.
How long has it been since we graduated from college? Four years, right? And how long has it been since we've been the best of friends? Uh... it all started back when we were in high school. So, that would mean we've been 'rock-em, sock-em' best pals for nine years.
Nine years and still going strong. Still best friends. Still there for each other.
Do you remember that time when we're just mere high school basketball players? You were so cold to me back then. You even slapped my hand away when I offered it for a shake. That was back during the first practice game our teams had. That was the first time I personally saw you. That was the first time we met. And for me, that was the beginning of everything. The moment I stepped in and said that I overslept, the moment you casted your gaze on me... it all started. Our story started.
You and me.
We were rivals, remember? And do you even remember that game when our teams fought for the ticket for the Inter High? It never failed to make me laugh every time I remember us back then. I remember how you used to snap at me and brag about your lead.
"Oi," you'll say and then point to the score board. "Still leading."
And I would just smile, wipe my sweat and say, "Cheeky bastard."
I remember how hard I tried to lessen the gap in our scores. Childish, really, now that I think about it. But back then, it was a matter of life and death. Yeah, I remember that.
Are you with me now, Kaede? Do you remember those times? Basketball was our life. And when Ryonan lost that game, I could feel this great loss. I felt as if I've lost everything. But you looked at me, and everything seemed all right. I mean, you're going to the Inter High after all! That's fine with me. Just do your best.
What is this, a trip down memory lane? Yep. I think so. So bear with me, Kaede. Come with me.
So there was this time when you came to me and challenged me to a one-on-one. Yes, Kaede, I remember that clearly. It was a fine day, and I was thinking of you, as usual, and you appeared in my doorstep. I can remember how shocked I am to see you there. And I was so happy, too. And then you just challenged me, and I had to accept.
I liked spending time with you, you know. I liked getting to know you better. I took every opportunity that I've gotten. I liked looking at you, listening to your short, but meaningful words, watching your every move, and even listening to your every breath, when you're close to me. Everything about you never ceased to amaze me. So when you challenged me to a one-on-one, I whole-heartedly accepted.
And it was during that time when you asked me if there are any players better than I, and yeah... you asked me for an advice, too. I told you to watch out for Kitasawa Eiji, and I told you that the secret of winning the game is teamwork. I told you to learn how to pass the ball to your teammates.
And then you thanked me and left.
Those times when you were away were the times when I sorted out my real feelings for you. Suddenly, I felt so alone when you're gone. Every day seemed so dull. I wanted to see you again. I thought about you every hour. Yuck, now. I'm getting too sappy. But it's true, Kaede. It's so true. Back then, I'm always wondering how you're doing. I wanted to know if you figured out that out of sheer stupidity, I have given you the wrong name. And then I thought that you're a bright man. You'd have found out about it. And yeah, going back, I was always wondering if you followed my advice.
My thoughts were all about you. And then I didn't want to deny it anymore. I accepted the fact that I've fallen in love with you.
Really now, Kaede. You never knew about this, right? I've been quiet about it for quite a long time now. Nine years, to be exact.
But just read on, Kaede. Thoughts are still spilling from my mind to my fingers. I have to type this down, or I'll completely forget about it. Now where was I? Oh... when you were in the Inter High.
You know... when I first admitted that I love you, like the old cliche goes, it felt as if a huge boulder has been lifted off my chest. I could finally breathe. Yes, Kaede. You read it right. I love you.
I have loved you for the longest time.
And back down the memory lane... when you got back from the Inter High, that was where our *real* friendship started. It was so simple, really, considering the fact that our days were just spent with basketball and other simple stuff like going out after another session, going to the movies, hanging out together, having sleep-overs... normal teen-ager stuff. I was so happy during those times. It felt like I was in heaven.
But then again, you might be wondering why I never told you about my feelings, right?
Cliche, Kaede.
I'm afraid to lose you. I'm afraid to lose what we have. So I managed to keep it all in. I managed to live my everyday life, fooling myself and you by pretending that everything was just an extraordinary or a special friendship.
You can't blame me, Kaede. What we have is so precious to me. All those late-night talks. All those ice cream treats. All those karate and sap and romance and porn and horror movies. All those sleep-overs over NBA tapes. All those friendly and playful pro-wrestling games we've had at the couch or at the court. All those teasing. Everything.
I'm afraid of losing them all.
That's why I didn't tell you.
And Kaede...
For reasons I never knew, you don't like homosexual relationships.
Not exactly homophobic. You just don't like it.
That's what made me all the more cautious about my feelings. I figured that if I ever told you that I, Sendoh Akira, is in love with you, you might go away. You might leave me. Worse, you might be disgusted. I can't handle that, Kaede. I love you too much. If I ever lose you... I didn't want to think about it. I still don't. So I have to sacrifice. I have to keep my feelings to myself.
Because everytime you see gays, you would frown and leave. Everytime you see two men walking hand-in-hand, I could see your scorn. You never said anything out of respect, but I could still see it.
Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? Late at night, when I'm all alone in my bed, I'd cry. I'd cry because I know that you'll never love me that way. I cried because you could never share my most precious feelings. But I love you, and I wanted to be with you, so I never said a thing. I thought about it, and convinced myself that having you as my very best friend is enough.
I could remember those times when you would flinch whenever I so much touch you with a loving gaze. And there were the times when you would catch me looking at you with such longing. You would turn your back on me and wouldn't talk to me. I have a feeling that you knew about my feelings. Maybe that was why you walk away at the slightest hint that I love you.
I realized then that you would never, ever accept me as your partner in life. As your lover. I would never have the chance. I would never experience the feeling. You would never look at me with love. You would never hug me dearly. You would never carress my face as you whisper the words that I, for so long, have yearned to hear from you.
Sometimes, I'd allow myself to fantasize. I'd laugh now whenever I remember those fantasies. There was one fantasy about me going home one day, and you'd be at our home, waiting for me. And then you'd come over to me and hug me.
"I love you," you'd whisper oh-so-lovingly.
"I love you more," I'd whisper back. And then I'd tease you... and we'd end up having wild, passionate sex. Yum.
Thought I'm all sappy and stuff like that? Nope. Still a hentai, pal. I have to live up to my reputation, even in my fantasies.
Just mere fantasies, though. Because I could never have you that way.
But Kaede... as years went by, you slowly started to open up even more. Remember that time when your brother died? You were in your freshman year in college. I thought I almost lost you back then. He was the only family you have, and then he left you. I couldn't reach you for days. You were always lost in your thoughts. You were so mad at the world. You were always snapping at people, especially me. You took out your anger on me. You hit me when I committed the slightest mistake. Scorned at me whenever I did something stupid. Lashed angry words at me when I tried to comfort you. But one night, when I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed you from behind when you were hanging out at your balcony and hugged you with all my might. With all my heart and soul. I could still remember the way you stiffened and the way you fought my embrace. But I held on, didn't I? I never let go.
"Kaede. I'm your best friend," I could remember myself telling you. "I'm still here."
And slowly, you wriggled out of my embrace, faced me, and threw yourself at me. And I could still feel your tears on my shirt. You cried silently back then, saying you're sorry. Saying that you're scared of being alone. Saying that you're scared of losing me. There wasn't even a single sob. Just all tears. Silent tears. You cried like a man, Kaede. But you were like a child in my embrace. And I told you again,
"I'll never leave you."
And your tears stopped falling.
And the sun rose.
It was the dawn of a new day. It was the start of a new story.
You left that day, only to come back with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my entire life. You handed me the most valuable thing I have right now. It was just a simple thing. Cheap, really, but it held a lot of meanings. You took my left wrist and tied a woven bracelet in it.
I'm looking at the bracelet right now. It's still the same as it was before, only it was better back when it was brand new. It has a simple pattern... just several thick threads, colored dark blue and white, woven together to form a simple accessory.
You smiled when you finished tying it to my wrist. Afterwards, you held up your own left wrist and I saw the same bracelet with the same pattern.
No words were exchanged. Just smiles. Smiles, and silent vows. A promise... written in the heart. Undaunted by distance. Unchangeable by time. Nothing could destroy the perfectly-woven strands of these bracelets. Two colors, woven together. Just like our lives. Friends forever. For all time. Nothing could ever tear us apart from each other.
And then you gave me a brotherly hug.
"Thank you," you simply said.
That was the most poignant moment of my life.
We lived together after that. Still best pals, and nothing more. We shared a small, but comfortable apartment near the university. College was shitty, but those late-night study sessions with all our friends made it all the more easy. I know that they know about my feelings, but thankfully, they kept quiet about it. They know of your feelings about homosexual relationships.
Everyday is heaven for me. Yet, it was also hell. It wasn't easy living with you... loving you... cherishing our every moment together, while knowing that you would never ever love me back. It hurts so much, Kaede. How I kept playing this charade for all these years, I don't know. But then again... I know the answer. I love you too much to lose you.
But then, I still have yet to experience the most painful thing there is to happen. You fell in love, remember that, Kaede?
It wouldn't hurt as much, if only you fell in love with a woman. But no, Kaede. You just have to fall love with Mitsui.
You killed me back then, Kaede. I was here all along. Right beside you... Hoping against hope that maybe someday, somehow, by miracle of all miracles, you'd fall in love with me. You never did. I accepted that. You're straight, and that's how things are gonna be. It hurts, but that's fine with me. But for you to fall in love with a man, after all my pain and anguish and sacrifice?
That's bullshit, Kaede.
But despite the pain I was feeling, I really have to be the martyr. After all... what are friends for? Mitsui was madly in love with Kogure... you and I know that. So it was a case of unrequited love. How many nights were spent at bars, as we drown ourselves into liquor? How many tears fell from our eyes? You were crying for a love that cannot be... and for reasons unbeknownst to you, I was crying for the same reason. Life's unfair, you told me. It was the first time you fell in love, and you ended up in tears. I couldn't agree with you more. Life, indeed, is unfair.
Each tear your shed for Mitsui was like a knife shoved into my heart. So many questions... but I could never ask you for the answers.
Why, Kaede? Why did you fall in love with Mitsui? I was there all along. Just right beside you all the while. When you finally decided to look at a man, why does it have to be him that you have to see? Why not me? Is there something wrong with me? What did I do wrong?
I started to think that maybe somewhere along the way, I did something wrong. Some time during our friendship, I might have said something stupid. I started to think that maybe I'm too pushy, or maybe that you hated it when I smile all the time, or maybe you hated it when I flirt with everyone all the time. Was that why you didn't love me?
And then I realized that you could love a man after all, but you would still never love me. So I tried to change my ways. I tried to be the way I thought you'd want me to.
I changed drastically back then, remember that?
I started to act like Mitsui. I started to act like Kogure. I started to act like Sakuragi. Maki, Fujima, Hanagata, Kiyota, Miyagi. And I started to act like someone I don't even know.
I lost myself.
And I almost lost you again.
But you knocked me back to my senses with one strong right hook.
You shook me so hard while you asked me where your Akira was. You asked me what was wrong. You asked me why I took your best friend away. You told me to give your friend back.
And then you hit me again and again and again. I never fought back. You just pummeled me until we both collapsed. Your fists were red and swollen and bloody, and needless to say, dear pal, that so was my face. My whole body ached. I was pretty sure that I have a few broken ribs back then.
The physical pain I was feeling during that time was still nothing compared to the pain brought about by my unreciprocated feelings. I was still so hurt inside, that the bruises and the wounds didn't even hurt. I was so numb. All I was thinking of was that you would never ever love me.
/You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me./
That cruel mantra played itself over and over again in my mind.
Do you know what was going on back then? We never really talked about it.
Not even when you crawled towards me and took me in your arms.
"Give me my best friend back," you were chanting over and over again. I tried to think... was I being selfish that way? Was it selfish for me to yearn for the one I love? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to feel that pain?
"Give me my Akira back. Give me my Akira back. Give me my Akira back," I heard you whisper. I wasn't listening, though. I was so busy pitying myself while lying lifelessly in you arms.
Mitsui... what was it that he has that I don't? Why not me? I'm perfect. I'm your friend. No one else would love you the way I do. No one else.
"Goddamn you, give me my best friend back," you whispered in an ached voice. I still wasn't listening.
Until I felt it.
A solitary tear.
It was enough to bring me back. But you weren't aware of it yet. You were lost in your own world.
"Sorry... so sorry... so sorry... for the pain... for everything..." you whispered. "Come back. Come back, Akira. I need you. I'm so sorry. Come back to me. Come back to me. I'm so sorry."
Do you remember how I reached up my hand to your face? Tears were flooding your eyes, but you were trying to keep them at bay. I looked into your eyes... so blue... so deep. Blue pools of pain.
"I'm so sorry for everything," you whispered again.
I smiled.
And hugged you back.
During that moment, as I was reaching up to hug you, I saw the bracelet again... and I realized one thing.
I almost broke our vow.
I remembered the promise... and realized that we're woven together. Nothing could take us away from each other. No matter what, no matter who, no matter when. It would always be you ... and I.
Days, months, years passed by. We graduated from college. I quitted basketball, only to become one of the most popular writers/novelists of today. I'm pretty good at writing humor, despite my deep nature. I'm known as comedy/drama writer. Mostly humor, though. I rarely write angst and violence. I never wrote sap. You once asked me why. I never answered... I just smiled.
And now... I'm going to tell you.
My dear, in a world full of anguish and sorrow, the only thing I could do... is to write down my thoughts and make people smile and laugh. All of us have our own burdens to carry, and I wanted to help ease that burden, even for just a moment. I wanted to take all of you away, make you laugh, make you cry, and make you forget about the harsh realities of life.
I write humor... so as to make myself laugh.
As for sap... It's just not my stuff. Hehehehe...
You, on the other hand, continued your basketball career. You are one of the best players of the country. As I make people happy with my works, you make people happy by giving them your best performance on court. You give them somebody to look up to. Somebody to admire, even from a distance.
You and I are so different from each other, yet, our lives are tightly woven together.
Years have passed.
I changed my path.
You followed yours.
Things have changed.
Yet some remained.
People came.
People left.
We both have wounds in our souls, yet we're both fine. We're strong together, you and I.
The bracelets look worn-out. The deep blue strings have dulled into powder blue. The white strings were still white. It will forever be white, though it might not be as bright. Yet the bracelets were still holding on.
On our left wrists.
Symbols of a promise... written in the heart.
It's been nine years, Kaede. And it was, despite the pain and the tears, the best nine years of my life.
Here in this letter, I would like to tell you once again that I love you so much. And that I would do anything for you. I would do anything to keep you. Anything... even if it means keeping quiet forever. I don't know when will I ever have the courage to tell you straight-on how I feel, but I have an inkling that you know.
Someday, when the wounds have healed and turned into dull scars, maybe we could talk about everything... about what happened back then, and about what we have been before and what we have become. And maybe then... I could finally tell you how I really feel. Maybe then, you'd accept me... body, heart and soul.
Until then, let's stay together forever, Kaede.
I love you.
With all my love,
Ak-
***********
I haven't finsihed typing my name yet when somebody knocked on the door of my workroom. It was Kaede.
"Hey, buddy, are you done yet?" he asked as he walked over towards me.
I quickly finished typing 'Akira' before I saved it in the "Letters to Kaede" folder and closed both the file and the folder. I just opened the "Manuscripts" folder before he finally peered into the screen.
"What are you writing?" he asked.
I gave him a smile. "My new story."
"Comedy?"
"What else do you expect from me?"
"Uh... porn? Or '101 Ways to Have Great and Wild Sex'?"
I shook my head and laughed. "Maybe some other time. When my libido's in full power."
"Hentai."
"Would you like to read my new story?"
"Later, I promise," Kaede said with an easy smile. He raked his hands through his hair and I caught a glimpse of his bracelet. I smiled back. "Let's go out now. I'm hungry and I don't want to cook."
"Okay. I'll catch up with you," I said. "I'll close my laptop for a while. Wait for me in the living room, would you, pal?"
He nodded and smiled before he walked out of my room.
I was about to press the 'shut down' button when I thought otherwise. I opened the "Letters to Kaede" folder once again and counted the files.
So far, I've written a hundred or so letters, yet, none of them have been given to the addressee.
Maybe someday... when the wounds have healed and the pain is gone.
My hands were resting on the keyboard as I saw the bracelet once again.
Someday... soon.
I'm not in a hurry.
Our lives are woven together.
Just like the two colors of the bracelets.
We'll be together forever.
*********
for.ever
*********
A/N:
Yes, at the end. This was supposed to be a sap fic for my imouto and my oneechan. But it turned out to be a drama. *sigh* Ne, Ginnie-imouto, Sapphi-neechan, it seems as if I *really* have an aversion to writing sap. I'm too rough for it. I think I'll stick to drama, angst and especially humor. But I love your sap fics, so... I'll just read sap. I'll leave the writing to you.
This fic is especially written for all the writers out there. May we continue to bring smiles in the faces of everyone in the world.
20 May 2003
revised 18 October 2003
by Aki Midori
Rating: PG
Genre: Drama /Shounen-ai/
Summary: Thick threads with two colors were painstakingly woven together to form a single bracelet. Then there are two bracelets... made for two people whose lives are woven together... to form a single story. A painful, yet poignant story.
diScLAimerS: Slam Dunk and its characters are all property of Inoue Takehiko
-------------------
Woven Bracelets
11 July
Dearest Kaede,
It seems so funny how, in the midst of my writing, I could easily think of you. I was writing another humor story, as always, but as I typed away in my keyboard, I saw the woven bracelet. And then it reminded me of you.
Of our friendship.
And then I have to smile, close the recent file I'm working on, and then I had this sudden urge to write you a letter again. I am a writer, after all. I could easily write away all my thoughts, all my feelings, and then create a simple story for everyone, including you, to read. I write about anything and everything, and you're always the first one to read it, ne? So now, let me just type away my thoughts...
Let's see now.
How long has it been since we graduated from college? Four years, right? And how long has it been since we've been the best of friends? Uh... it all started back when we were in high school. So, that would mean we've been 'rock-em, sock-em' best pals for nine years.
Nine years and still going strong. Still best friends. Still there for each other.
Do you remember that time when we're just mere high school basketball players? You were so cold to me back then. You even slapped my hand away when I offered it for a shake. That was back during the first practice game our teams had. That was the first time I personally saw you. That was the first time we met. And for me, that was the beginning of everything. The moment I stepped in and said that I overslept, the moment you casted your gaze on me... it all started. Our story started.
You and me.
We were rivals, remember? And do you even remember that game when our teams fought for the ticket for the Inter High? It never failed to make me laugh every time I remember us back then. I remember how you used to snap at me and brag about your lead.
"Oi," you'll say and then point to the score board. "Still leading."
And I would just smile, wipe my sweat and say, "Cheeky bastard."
I remember how hard I tried to lessen the gap in our scores. Childish, really, now that I think about it. But back then, it was a matter of life and death. Yeah, I remember that.
Are you with me now, Kaede? Do you remember those times? Basketball was our life. And when Ryonan lost that game, I could feel this great loss. I felt as if I've lost everything. But you looked at me, and everything seemed all right. I mean, you're going to the Inter High after all! That's fine with me. Just do your best.
What is this, a trip down memory lane? Yep. I think so. So bear with me, Kaede. Come with me.
So there was this time when you came to me and challenged me to a one-on-one. Yes, Kaede, I remember that clearly. It was a fine day, and I was thinking of you, as usual, and you appeared in my doorstep. I can remember how shocked I am to see you there. And I was so happy, too. And then you just challenged me, and I had to accept.
I liked spending time with you, you know. I liked getting to know you better. I took every opportunity that I've gotten. I liked looking at you, listening to your short, but meaningful words, watching your every move, and even listening to your every breath, when you're close to me. Everything about you never ceased to amaze me. So when you challenged me to a one-on-one, I whole-heartedly accepted.
And it was during that time when you asked me if there are any players better than I, and yeah... you asked me for an advice, too. I told you to watch out for Kitasawa Eiji, and I told you that the secret of winning the game is teamwork. I told you to learn how to pass the ball to your teammates.
And then you thanked me and left.
Those times when you were away were the times when I sorted out my real feelings for you. Suddenly, I felt so alone when you're gone. Every day seemed so dull. I wanted to see you again. I thought about you every hour. Yuck, now. I'm getting too sappy. But it's true, Kaede. It's so true. Back then, I'm always wondering how you're doing. I wanted to know if you figured out that out of sheer stupidity, I have given you the wrong name. And then I thought that you're a bright man. You'd have found out about it. And yeah, going back, I was always wondering if you followed my advice.
My thoughts were all about you. And then I didn't want to deny it anymore. I accepted the fact that I've fallen in love with you.
Really now, Kaede. You never knew about this, right? I've been quiet about it for quite a long time now. Nine years, to be exact.
But just read on, Kaede. Thoughts are still spilling from my mind to my fingers. I have to type this down, or I'll completely forget about it. Now where was I? Oh... when you were in the Inter High.
You know... when I first admitted that I love you, like the old cliche goes, it felt as if a huge boulder has been lifted off my chest. I could finally breathe. Yes, Kaede. You read it right. I love you.
I have loved you for the longest time.
And back down the memory lane... when you got back from the Inter High, that was where our *real* friendship started. It was so simple, really, considering the fact that our days were just spent with basketball and other simple stuff like going out after another session, going to the movies, hanging out together, having sleep-overs... normal teen-ager stuff. I was so happy during those times. It felt like I was in heaven.
But then again, you might be wondering why I never told you about my feelings, right?
Cliche, Kaede.
I'm afraid to lose you. I'm afraid to lose what we have. So I managed to keep it all in. I managed to live my everyday life, fooling myself and you by pretending that everything was just an extraordinary or a special friendship.
You can't blame me, Kaede. What we have is so precious to me. All those late-night talks. All those ice cream treats. All those karate and sap and romance and porn and horror movies. All those sleep-overs over NBA tapes. All those friendly and playful pro-wrestling games we've had at the couch or at the court. All those teasing. Everything.
I'm afraid of losing them all.
That's why I didn't tell you.
And Kaede...
For reasons I never knew, you don't like homosexual relationships.
Not exactly homophobic. You just don't like it.
That's what made me all the more cautious about my feelings. I figured that if I ever told you that I, Sendoh Akira, is in love with you, you might go away. You might leave me. Worse, you might be disgusted. I can't handle that, Kaede. I love you too much. If I ever lose you... I didn't want to think about it. I still don't. So I have to sacrifice. I have to keep my feelings to myself.
Because everytime you see gays, you would frown and leave. Everytime you see two men walking hand-in-hand, I could see your scorn. You never said anything out of respect, but I could still see it.
Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? Late at night, when I'm all alone in my bed, I'd cry. I'd cry because I know that you'll never love me that way. I cried because you could never share my most precious feelings. But I love you, and I wanted to be with you, so I never said a thing. I thought about it, and convinced myself that having you as my very best friend is enough.
I could remember those times when you would flinch whenever I so much touch you with a loving gaze. And there were the times when you would catch me looking at you with such longing. You would turn your back on me and wouldn't talk to me. I have a feeling that you knew about my feelings. Maybe that was why you walk away at the slightest hint that I love you.
I realized then that you would never, ever accept me as your partner in life. As your lover. I would never have the chance. I would never experience the feeling. You would never look at me with love. You would never hug me dearly. You would never carress my face as you whisper the words that I, for so long, have yearned to hear from you.
Sometimes, I'd allow myself to fantasize. I'd laugh now whenever I remember those fantasies. There was one fantasy about me going home one day, and you'd be at our home, waiting for me. And then you'd come over to me and hug me.
"I love you," you'd whisper oh-so-lovingly.
"I love you more," I'd whisper back. And then I'd tease you... and we'd end up having wild, passionate sex. Yum.
Thought I'm all sappy and stuff like that? Nope. Still a hentai, pal. I have to live up to my reputation, even in my fantasies.
Just mere fantasies, though. Because I could never have you that way.
But Kaede... as years went by, you slowly started to open up even more. Remember that time when your brother died? You were in your freshman year in college. I thought I almost lost you back then. He was the only family you have, and then he left you. I couldn't reach you for days. You were always lost in your thoughts. You were so mad at the world. You were always snapping at people, especially me. You took out your anger on me. You hit me when I committed the slightest mistake. Scorned at me whenever I did something stupid. Lashed angry words at me when I tried to comfort you. But one night, when I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed you from behind when you were hanging out at your balcony and hugged you with all my might. With all my heart and soul. I could still remember the way you stiffened and the way you fought my embrace. But I held on, didn't I? I never let go.
"Kaede. I'm your best friend," I could remember myself telling you. "I'm still here."
And slowly, you wriggled out of my embrace, faced me, and threw yourself at me. And I could still feel your tears on my shirt. You cried silently back then, saying you're sorry. Saying that you're scared of being alone. Saying that you're scared of losing me. There wasn't even a single sob. Just all tears. Silent tears. You cried like a man, Kaede. But you were like a child in my embrace. And I told you again,
"I'll never leave you."
And your tears stopped falling.
And the sun rose.
It was the dawn of a new day. It was the start of a new story.
You left that day, only to come back with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my entire life. You handed me the most valuable thing I have right now. It was just a simple thing. Cheap, really, but it held a lot of meanings. You took my left wrist and tied a woven bracelet in it.
I'm looking at the bracelet right now. It's still the same as it was before, only it was better back when it was brand new. It has a simple pattern... just several thick threads, colored dark blue and white, woven together to form a simple accessory.
You smiled when you finished tying it to my wrist. Afterwards, you held up your own left wrist and I saw the same bracelet with the same pattern.
No words were exchanged. Just smiles. Smiles, and silent vows. A promise... written in the heart. Undaunted by distance. Unchangeable by time. Nothing could destroy the perfectly-woven strands of these bracelets. Two colors, woven together. Just like our lives. Friends forever. For all time. Nothing could ever tear us apart from each other.
And then you gave me a brotherly hug.
"Thank you," you simply said.
That was the most poignant moment of my life.
We lived together after that. Still best pals, and nothing more. We shared a small, but comfortable apartment near the university. College was shitty, but those late-night study sessions with all our friends made it all the more easy. I know that they know about my feelings, but thankfully, they kept quiet about it. They know of your feelings about homosexual relationships.
Everyday is heaven for me. Yet, it was also hell. It wasn't easy living with you... loving you... cherishing our every moment together, while knowing that you would never ever love me back. It hurts so much, Kaede. How I kept playing this charade for all these years, I don't know. But then again... I know the answer. I love you too much to lose you.
But then, I still have yet to experience the most painful thing there is to happen. You fell in love, remember that, Kaede?
It wouldn't hurt as much, if only you fell in love with a woman. But no, Kaede. You just have to fall love with Mitsui.
You killed me back then, Kaede. I was here all along. Right beside you... Hoping against hope that maybe someday, somehow, by miracle of all miracles, you'd fall in love with me. You never did. I accepted that. You're straight, and that's how things are gonna be. It hurts, but that's fine with me. But for you to fall in love with a man, after all my pain and anguish and sacrifice?
That's bullshit, Kaede.
But despite the pain I was feeling, I really have to be the martyr. After all... what are friends for? Mitsui was madly in love with Kogure... you and I know that. So it was a case of unrequited love. How many nights were spent at bars, as we drown ourselves into liquor? How many tears fell from our eyes? You were crying for a love that cannot be... and for reasons unbeknownst to you, I was crying for the same reason. Life's unfair, you told me. It was the first time you fell in love, and you ended up in tears. I couldn't agree with you more. Life, indeed, is unfair.
Each tear your shed for Mitsui was like a knife shoved into my heart. So many questions... but I could never ask you for the answers.
Why, Kaede? Why did you fall in love with Mitsui? I was there all along. Just right beside you all the while. When you finally decided to look at a man, why does it have to be him that you have to see? Why not me? Is there something wrong with me? What did I do wrong?
I started to think that maybe somewhere along the way, I did something wrong. Some time during our friendship, I might have said something stupid. I started to think that maybe I'm too pushy, or maybe that you hated it when I smile all the time, or maybe you hated it when I flirt with everyone all the time. Was that why you didn't love me?
And then I realized that you could love a man after all, but you would still never love me. So I tried to change my ways. I tried to be the way I thought you'd want me to.
I changed drastically back then, remember that?
I started to act like Mitsui. I started to act like Kogure. I started to act like Sakuragi. Maki, Fujima, Hanagata, Kiyota, Miyagi. And I started to act like someone I don't even know.
I lost myself.
And I almost lost you again.
But you knocked me back to my senses with one strong right hook.
You shook me so hard while you asked me where your Akira was. You asked me what was wrong. You asked me why I took your best friend away. You told me to give your friend back.
And then you hit me again and again and again. I never fought back. You just pummeled me until we both collapsed. Your fists were red and swollen and bloody, and needless to say, dear pal, that so was my face. My whole body ached. I was pretty sure that I have a few broken ribs back then.
The physical pain I was feeling during that time was still nothing compared to the pain brought about by my unreciprocated feelings. I was still so hurt inside, that the bruises and the wounds didn't even hurt. I was so numb. All I was thinking of was that you would never ever love me.
/You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me./
That cruel mantra played itself over and over again in my mind.
Do you know what was going on back then? We never really talked about it.
Not even when you crawled towards me and took me in your arms.
"Give me my best friend back," you were chanting over and over again. I tried to think... was I being selfish that way? Was it selfish for me to yearn for the one I love? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to feel that pain?
"Give me my Akira back. Give me my Akira back. Give me my Akira back," I heard you whisper. I wasn't listening, though. I was so busy pitying myself while lying lifelessly in you arms.
Mitsui... what was it that he has that I don't? Why not me? I'm perfect. I'm your friend. No one else would love you the way I do. No one else.
"Goddamn you, give me my best friend back," you whispered in an ached voice. I still wasn't listening.
Until I felt it.
A solitary tear.
It was enough to bring me back. But you weren't aware of it yet. You were lost in your own world.
"Sorry... so sorry... so sorry... for the pain... for everything..." you whispered. "Come back. Come back, Akira. I need you. I'm so sorry. Come back to me. Come back to me. I'm so sorry."
Do you remember how I reached up my hand to your face? Tears were flooding your eyes, but you were trying to keep them at bay. I looked into your eyes... so blue... so deep. Blue pools of pain.
"I'm so sorry for everything," you whispered again.
I smiled.
And hugged you back.
During that moment, as I was reaching up to hug you, I saw the bracelet again... and I realized one thing.
I almost broke our vow.
I remembered the promise... and realized that we're woven together. Nothing could take us away from each other. No matter what, no matter who, no matter when. It would always be you ... and I.
Days, months, years passed by. We graduated from college. I quitted basketball, only to become one of the most popular writers/novelists of today. I'm pretty good at writing humor, despite my deep nature. I'm known as comedy/drama writer. Mostly humor, though. I rarely write angst and violence. I never wrote sap. You once asked me why. I never answered... I just smiled.
And now... I'm going to tell you.
My dear, in a world full of anguish and sorrow, the only thing I could do... is to write down my thoughts and make people smile and laugh. All of us have our own burdens to carry, and I wanted to help ease that burden, even for just a moment. I wanted to take all of you away, make you laugh, make you cry, and make you forget about the harsh realities of life.
I write humor... so as to make myself laugh.
As for sap... It's just not my stuff. Hehehehe...
You, on the other hand, continued your basketball career. You are one of the best players of the country. As I make people happy with my works, you make people happy by giving them your best performance on court. You give them somebody to look up to. Somebody to admire, even from a distance.
You and I are so different from each other, yet, our lives are tightly woven together.
Years have passed.
I changed my path.
You followed yours.
Things have changed.
Yet some remained.
People came.
People left.
We both have wounds in our souls, yet we're both fine. We're strong together, you and I.
The bracelets look worn-out. The deep blue strings have dulled into powder blue. The white strings were still white. It will forever be white, though it might not be as bright. Yet the bracelets were still holding on.
On our left wrists.
Symbols of a promise... written in the heart.
It's been nine years, Kaede. And it was, despite the pain and the tears, the best nine years of my life.
Here in this letter, I would like to tell you once again that I love you so much. And that I would do anything for you. I would do anything to keep you. Anything... even if it means keeping quiet forever. I don't know when will I ever have the courage to tell you straight-on how I feel, but I have an inkling that you know.
Someday, when the wounds have healed and turned into dull scars, maybe we could talk about everything... about what happened back then, and about what we have been before and what we have become. And maybe then... I could finally tell you how I really feel. Maybe then, you'd accept me... body, heart and soul.
Until then, let's stay together forever, Kaede.
I love you.
With all my love,
Ak-
***********
I haven't finsihed typing my name yet when somebody knocked on the door of my workroom. It was Kaede.
"Hey, buddy, are you done yet?" he asked as he walked over towards me.
I quickly finished typing 'Akira' before I saved it in the "Letters to Kaede" folder and closed both the file and the folder. I just opened the "Manuscripts" folder before he finally peered into the screen.
"What are you writing?" he asked.
I gave him a smile. "My new story."
"Comedy?"
"What else do you expect from me?"
"Uh... porn? Or '101 Ways to Have Great and Wild Sex'?"
I shook my head and laughed. "Maybe some other time. When my libido's in full power."
"Hentai."
"Would you like to read my new story?"
"Later, I promise," Kaede said with an easy smile. He raked his hands through his hair and I caught a glimpse of his bracelet. I smiled back. "Let's go out now. I'm hungry and I don't want to cook."
"Okay. I'll catch up with you," I said. "I'll close my laptop for a while. Wait for me in the living room, would you, pal?"
He nodded and smiled before he walked out of my room.
I was about to press the 'shut down' button when I thought otherwise. I opened the "Letters to Kaede" folder once again and counted the files.
So far, I've written a hundred or so letters, yet, none of them have been given to the addressee.
Maybe someday... when the wounds have healed and the pain is gone.
My hands were resting on the keyboard as I saw the bracelet once again.
Someday... soon.
I'm not in a hurry.
Our lives are woven together.
Just like the two colors of the bracelets.
We'll be together forever.
*********
for.ever
*********
A/N:
Yes, at the end. This was supposed to be a sap fic for my imouto and my oneechan. But it turned out to be a drama. *sigh* Ne, Ginnie-imouto, Sapphi-neechan, it seems as if I *really* have an aversion to writing sap. I'm too rough for it. I think I'll stick to drama, angst and especially humor. But I love your sap fics, so... I'll just read sap. I'll leave the writing to you.
This fic is especially written for all the writers out there. May we continue to bring smiles in the faces of everyone in the world.
20 May 2003
revised 18 October 2003