A/N-subtitles are all CAPITAL LETTERS
Hawkeye drifted off to sleep, and the most bizarre dream of his life began.
A title screen, black and white and in poor quality, appears.
SILENT M*A*S*H
We see the M*A*S*H 4077th, but as it would appear in the 1920's. Doctors and nurses are walking around in old-fashioned uniforms and dresses. The camera pans to the Officer's Club, where there is obviously a rowdy party going on. Over in a corner, surrounded by men, is Margaret Houlihan, dressed in white with a gaudy hat.
THE YOUNG, INNOCENT MARGARET ENJOYS A LAUGH WITH FELLOW OFFICERS.
The camera pans to the other side of the room, where, lurking in the shadows, is our villain, Frank Burns, dressed in a black cape and hat, and wearing a handlebar moustache. He stares at Margaret and twists his moustache evilly.
"I MUST HAVE LOVELY MARGARET TO MYSELF!"
The scene cuts to the road just outside camp. We see a lone figure walking, waddling rather, towards camp. As the camera gets closer, we see that the man is wearing a rather large pair of army shoes, baggy army pants, a short-sleeved shirt, and a tight-fitting jacket. A cap is perched on his head, and his toothbrush moustache twitches. Our hero, Hawkeye Pierce, brave and gallant, stops to survey his new surroundings.
"SO, THIS IS MY NEW HELL AWAY FROM HOME."
Hawkeye picks up a suitcase by his feet, and walks into camp. He spots the CO's office, and waddles in. A young Corporal, Radar O'Reilly, is sitting at a desk scribbling something down onto a form. He has an old-fashioned phone propped up by his ear.
"THE NEW SURGEON SHOULD BE HERE SOON, YES."
Radar looks up and spots Hawkeye, and then hurriedly crosses out whatever he was writing.
"UH, NEVER MIND SIR, HE'S HERE. YES, I WILL, SIR. GOODBYE SIR!"
Radar stands up and shakes Hawkeye's outstretched hand. He points the way into the CO's office. Hawkeye tips his cap politely. As he walks in, the camera pans over to the desk of Henry Blake, who has his feet propped up on the desk, his derby over his eyes.
HENRY BLAKE, BUSY WITH HIS INSPECTIONS AS USUAL, IS INSPECTING THE INSIDES OF HIS EYELIDS.
Hawkeye pauses for a moment, then smiles and goes behind Henry. He picks up Henry's right hand and dips it into a glass of water sitting nearby. Henry wakes up with a start.
"WHAT THE . . .OH, THANK GOD. YOU THE NEW SURGEON?"
Hawkeye nods, and picks up his suitcase. Henry gets out of his chair and leads Hawkeye out of the office and to his tent. Just after they enter Hawkeye's tent, we get a quick shot of the sign over the doorway. The word "Swamp" is scrawled out in crayon.
"THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL BE STAYING, ALONG WITH TRAPPER MCINTYRE AND FRANK BURNS."
A man is sleeping on a cot. Henry goes over to him and shakes him awake. He points to Hawkeye, who has found his cot and is now attempting to unlock his suitcase. Henry makes angry gestures at the man. After he leaves, the man walks over to Hawkeye, who is still having trouble opening his suitcase.
"HOWDY, FRIEND. NAME'S TRAPPER. NEED SOME HELP?"
Hawkeye smiles appreciatively and steps aside. Trapper unlocks the suitcase with ease, and then both men duck as clothes fly all over the tent.
"MAYBE I PACKED TOO MUCH," HAWKEYE THINKS ALOUD.
Trapper mouths, "No kidding." The two start picking up all of Hawkeye's clothes. When they are through, Trapper decides to show Hawkeye around. Just outside the tent door, they bump into Frank, who is coming from the Officer's Club. Frank glares at them.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, NITWITS!"
Trapper makes a face at Frank when his back is turned, and then beckons to Hawkeye to come with him.
"THAT'S FRANK BURNS. IGNORE HIM, HE'S A QUACK."
Hawkeye and Trapper decide to go to the Officer's Club. The party is just as wild as ever. Hawkeye spots Margaret, and immediately appears faint. Trapper rolls his eyes and grabs Hawkeye's arm, dragging him over to the bar.
"THAT GIRL . . .WHAT IS HER NAME?"
Trapper looks over.
"DON'T EVEN BOTHER. MARGARET HOULIHAN IS UNTOUCHABLE."
Hawkeye doesn't respond, and stares at Margaret fanning herself. He doesn't even notice when the bartender sets a martini down in front of him. He turns around, gulps it down, and then heads out the door and back to the Swamp. Luckily, Frank is not there.
"I KNOW JUST HOW TO WIN HER! GIRLS ALWAYS FALL FOR POETRY, SO I'LL JUST WRITE A BEAUTIFUL POEM!"
Hawkeye takes out a sheet of paper and a pencil. He pauses for a moment, and then begins to write. The poem is an obvious rip-off of Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" When Hawkeye is finished, he holds the paper up and reads the poem to himself. Trapper walks in and takes the paper out of Hawkeye's hands.
"I HAVE NEWS FOR YA. FRANK JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE SWEET ON 'ER, AND HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIS WAY."
Outside, Frank is heading back to the Swamp from *ahem* Margaret's tent. He stops and listens to Hawkeye and Trapper's conversation. Frank realizes he has a rival for Margaret's love interest.
"I MUST STOP PIERCE BEFORE, AND IF EVER, HE ATTEMPTS TO WOO MARGARET!"
Frank turns around and heads back to the Officer's Club.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
Hawkeye drifted off to sleep, and the most bizarre dream of his life began.
A title screen, black and white and in poor quality, appears.
SILENT M*A*S*H
We see the M*A*S*H 4077th, but as it would appear in the 1920's. Doctors and nurses are walking around in old-fashioned uniforms and dresses. The camera pans to the Officer's Club, where there is obviously a rowdy party going on. Over in a corner, surrounded by men, is Margaret Houlihan, dressed in white with a gaudy hat.
THE YOUNG, INNOCENT MARGARET ENJOYS A LAUGH WITH FELLOW OFFICERS.
The camera pans to the other side of the room, where, lurking in the shadows, is our villain, Frank Burns, dressed in a black cape and hat, and wearing a handlebar moustache. He stares at Margaret and twists his moustache evilly.
"I MUST HAVE LOVELY MARGARET TO MYSELF!"
The scene cuts to the road just outside camp. We see a lone figure walking, waddling rather, towards camp. As the camera gets closer, we see that the man is wearing a rather large pair of army shoes, baggy army pants, a short-sleeved shirt, and a tight-fitting jacket. A cap is perched on his head, and his toothbrush moustache twitches. Our hero, Hawkeye Pierce, brave and gallant, stops to survey his new surroundings.
"SO, THIS IS MY NEW HELL AWAY FROM HOME."
Hawkeye picks up a suitcase by his feet, and walks into camp. He spots the CO's office, and waddles in. A young Corporal, Radar O'Reilly, is sitting at a desk scribbling something down onto a form. He has an old-fashioned phone propped up by his ear.
"THE NEW SURGEON SHOULD BE HERE SOON, YES."
Radar looks up and spots Hawkeye, and then hurriedly crosses out whatever he was writing.
"UH, NEVER MIND SIR, HE'S HERE. YES, I WILL, SIR. GOODBYE SIR!"
Radar stands up and shakes Hawkeye's outstretched hand. He points the way into the CO's office. Hawkeye tips his cap politely. As he walks in, the camera pans over to the desk of Henry Blake, who has his feet propped up on the desk, his derby over his eyes.
HENRY BLAKE, BUSY WITH HIS INSPECTIONS AS USUAL, IS INSPECTING THE INSIDES OF HIS EYELIDS.
Hawkeye pauses for a moment, then smiles and goes behind Henry. He picks up Henry's right hand and dips it into a glass of water sitting nearby. Henry wakes up with a start.
"WHAT THE . . .OH, THANK GOD. YOU THE NEW SURGEON?"
Hawkeye nods, and picks up his suitcase. Henry gets out of his chair and leads Hawkeye out of the office and to his tent. Just after they enter Hawkeye's tent, we get a quick shot of the sign over the doorway. The word "Swamp" is scrawled out in crayon.
"THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL BE STAYING, ALONG WITH TRAPPER MCINTYRE AND FRANK BURNS."
A man is sleeping on a cot. Henry goes over to him and shakes him awake. He points to Hawkeye, who has found his cot and is now attempting to unlock his suitcase. Henry makes angry gestures at the man. After he leaves, the man walks over to Hawkeye, who is still having trouble opening his suitcase.
"HOWDY, FRIEND. NAME'S TRAPPER. NEED SOME HELP?"
Hawkeye smiles appreciatively and steps aside. Trapper unlocks the suitcase with ease, and then both men duck as clothes fly all over the tent.
"MAYBE I PACKED TOO MUCH," HAWKEYE THINKS ALOUD.
Trapper mouths, "No kidding." The two start picking up all of Hawkeye's clothes. When they are through, Trapper decides to show Hawkeye around. Just outside the tent door, they bump into Frank, who is coming from the Officer's Club. Frank glares at them.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, NITWITS!"
Trapper makes a face at Frank when his back is turned, and then beckons to Hawkeye to come with him.
"THAT'S FRANK BURNS. IGNORE HIM, HE'S A QUACK."
Hawkeye and Trapper decide to go to the Officer's Club. The party is just as wild as ever. Hawkeye spots Margaret, and immediately appears faint. Trapper rolls his eyes and grabs Hawkeye's arm, dragging him over to the bar.
"THAT GIRL . . .WHAT IS HER NAME?"
Trapper looks over.
"DON'T EVEN BOTHER. MARGARET HOULIHAN IS UNTOUCHABLE."
Hawkeye doesn't respond, and stares at Margaret fanning herself. He doesn't even notice when the bartender sets a martini down in front of him. He turns around, gulps it down, and then heads out the door and back to the Swamp. Luckily, Frank is not there.
"I KNOW JUST HOW TO WIN HER! GIRLS ALWAYS FALL FOR POETRY, SO I'LL JUST WRITE A BEAUTIFUL POEM!"
Hawkeye takes out a sheet of paper and a pencil. He pauses for a moment, and then begins to write. The poem is an obvious rip-off of Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" When Hawkeye is finished, he holds the paper up and reads the poem to himself. Trapper walks in and takes the paper out of Hawkeye's hands.
"I HAVE NEWS FOR YA. FRANK JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE SWEET ON 'ER, AND HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIS WAY."
Outside, Frank is heading back to the Swamp from *ahem* Margaret's tent. He stops and listens to Hawkeye and Trapper's conversation. Frank realizes he has a rival for Margaret's love interest.
"I MUST STOP PIERCE BEFORE, AND IF EVER, HE ATTEMPTS TO WOO MARGARET!"
Frank turns around and heads back to the Officer's Club.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .