A/N-subtitles are in CAPITAL LETTERS
It is evening. Hawkeye and Trapper go over to the Mess Tent to eat. Hawkeye makes a face at the food.
"WHAT IS . . .THIS CRAP?"
Trapper grins. He points to the cook, who doesn't look very nice, and Hawkeye nods understandably. He gains a faraway look again as Margaret walks into the Mess Tent.
"THERE SHE IS AGAIN. I MUST TALK TO HER!"
Hawkeye edges his way over to Margaret's table. He doesn't notice Frank coming from the opposite direction. They both reach the table at the same time and try to sit in the same spot. Frank snarls.
"CAPTAIN PIERCE, THIS IS MY SEAT!"
Hawkeye backs away, then smiles and gives a mock salute.
"SO SORRY FOR TRYING TO HORN IN ON A SUPERIOR OFFICER'S SEAT!"
Hawkeye goes behind Margaret and whispers in her ear, and then leaves the Mess Tent. Margaret stares after him with that same dreamy look. Of course, Frank notices.
"UH . . .MARGARET? THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU FOR A LONG TIME NOW . . ."
Frank is cut off as a nurse rushes into the tent and goes over to Margaret.
"YOUR PATIENT IS COMPLAINING OF ABDOMINAL PAIN, MAJOR."
Margaret nods and leaves the Mess Tent. Frank stares after her forlornly.
"HOW I LONG TO KISS THOSE BEAUTIFUL LIPS . . .IF ONLY I HAD THE CHANCE TO TELL MARGARET MY TRUE FEELINGS!"
The scene cuts to Post-Op, where Hawkeye is sitting on a bed talking to a wounded soldier. He looks up just as Margaret walks in. He smiles.
"FINALLY! HERE'S MY CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS!"
Hawkeye gives the soldier a reassuring pat on the arm, and then waddles over to where Margaret is looking over a medical chart. Hawkeye steps behind her, peering over her shoulder. She senses that someone is behind her, and turns around.
"OH, PIERCE! YOU SURPRISED ME!"
Hawkeye grins and waves his hand.
"PLEASE CALL ME HAWKEYE, MARGARET."
Margaret gives a small smile, and then turns back to the chart. Hawkeye senses that something is worrying her.
"WHAT'S WRONG MY DAR . . .I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG, MAJOR?"
Margaret (presumably giving a sigh) answers him.
"IT'S CORPORAL SWEENEY. YESTERDAY, HE HAD A ROUTINE APPENDECTOMY, AND NOW HE'S RUNNING A FEVER AND COMPLAINING OF PAIN."
Hawkeye pauses for a second, and then sits on the corporal's bed. The camera gets a shot of a haggard-looking soldier who has a brave face on, but the way his eyes are shut betrays the amount of pain he is feeling. Hawkeye begins to talk.
"LISTEN TO ME, CORPORAL. ALL YOU HAD WAS YOUR APPENDIX TAKEN OUT. I CAN JUST IMAGINE THE PAIN YOU'RE FEELING RIGHT NOW. BUT, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL AN APPENDECTOMY CAN BE, THAT THROBBING PAIN DOESN'T COMPARE TO WHAT YOU WOULD FEEL AFTER HAVING A TON OF SHRAPNEL REMOVED FROM YOUR BELLY. YOU'LL PULL THROUGH. IT'S THE OTHER GUYS IN HERE I'M WORRIED ABOUT."
The corporal gives a pain-filled smile. Hawkeye gets up and walks back over to Margaret.
"ARE YOU STILL WORRIED? SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT AFTER MY LITTLE TALK, SWEENEY'S GONNA BE FEELING BETTER AND BETTER."
Margaret allows herself a grin. She looks very impressed. The scene cuts to the CO's office. Henry, wearing the same outfit as before, is connecting paper clips together. Radar barges in.
"SORRY, COLONEL BLAKE! I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS PAPER SO WE CAN GET MORE PAPER ON ACCOUNT OF WE DIDN'T GET ENOUGH PAPER LAST MONTH."
Henry is startled. His eyes widen in shock.
"GOOD LORD, RADAR . . .I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND YOU! THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES . . ."
Radar nods agreeably and hands Henry the paper, along with a pen.
"YES, SIR!"
Radar, apparently hearing something out in his office, scurries out, only to have Frank coming in at the exact same moment.
"COLONEL BLAKE, I HAVE SOMETHING OF THE UPMOST IMPORTANCE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!"
Henry continues to make a paper clip chain.
"WELL, CONSIDERING IT'S YOU FRANK, IT CAN'T BE THAT IMPORTANT."
Frank is momentarily stopped, but then he clears his throat and starts again.
"AS I WAS SAYING, COLONEL, THE MORALE OF THE CAMP IS AT AN ALLTIME LOW, AND . . ."
Henry makes an instant retort.
"I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY . . .UNLESS . . .OF COURSE!"
He snaps his fingers.
"MAYBE IT'S THE MERE PRESENCE OF A CERTAIN MAJOR PAIN-IN-THE . . ."
Frank gasps.
"COLONEL! WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP THIS A PG FANFIC! NOW, ABOUT THE MORALE. I WAS THINKING OF HAVING A TALENT CONTEST."
Henry is genuinely shocked. He takes a few moments to compose himself.
"OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING FROM THE STILL, FRANK? YOU KNOW HOW THAT STUFF AFFECTS YOUR MIND."
Frank shakes his head "No" emphatically.
"I'M A REAL SOFTY AT HEART, HONEST TO GOD! A TALENT CONTEST WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!"
Henry does some real thinking for once, and after a while, looks up at Frank again.
"ALRIGHT, FRANK. YOU GOT YOUR CONTEST. SATURDAY OKAY?"
Frank nods, and then twists his moustache purely out of habit. He gives Henry a salute, and then leaves the office. He stops at Radar's desk. Radar has his feet up on the desk and a cigar in his mouth. He jumps when he notices Frank.
"DON'T JUST SIT THERE, CORPORAL O'REILLY! ON SATURDAY, WE'RE HOLDING A TALENT CONTEST, AND IT'S THURSDAY NOW! GET BUSY!"
Radar gives a quivering salute, which Frank completely ignores, heading out the door instead. Once outside, he begins rubbing his hands together.
"ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND OUT WHAT THAT NINCOMPOOP PIERCE'LL DO FOR THE CONTEST, AND THEN I'LL GAG HIM AND LOCK HIM UP IN THE SUPPLY TENT. I'LL DISGUISE MYSELF AS PIERCE, AND DO WHATEVER HE'LL DO, THEREBY WINNING MARGARET'S HEART!"
Frank looks directly into the camera.
"HOW'S THAT FOR PLOT EXPOSITION?"
Frank smirks at the thought of his plan and walks to the Swamp.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
It is evening. Hawkeye and Trapper go over to the Mess Tent to eat. Hawkeye makes a face at the food.
"WHAT IS . . .THIS CRAP?"
Trapper grins. He points to the cook, who doesn't look very nice, and Hawkeye nods understandably. He gains a faraway look again as Margaret walks into the Mess Tent.
"THERE SHE IS AGAIN. I MUST TALK TO HER!"
Hawkeye edges his way over to Margaret's table. He doesn't notice Frank coming from the opposite direction. They both reach the table at the same time and try to sit in the same spot. Frank snarls.
"CAPTAIN PIERCE, THIS IS MY SEAT!"
Hawkeye backs away, then smiles and gives a mock salute.
"SO SORRY FOR TRYING TO HORN IN ON A SUPERIOR OFFICER'S SEAT!"
Hawkeye goes behind Margaret and whispers in her ear, and then leaves the Mess Tent. Margaret stares after him with that same dreamy look. Of course, Frank notices.
"UH . . .MARGARET? THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU FOR A LONG TIME NOW . . ."
Frank is cut off as a nurse rushes into the tent and goes over to Margaret.
"YOUR PATIENT IS COMPLAINING OF ABDOMINAL PAIN, MAJOR."
Margaret nods and leaves the Mess Tent. Frank stares after her forlornly.
"HOW I LONG TO KISS THOSE BEAUTIFUL LIPS . . .IF ONLY I HAD THE CHANCE TO TELL MARGARET MY TRUE FEELINGS!"
The scene cuts to Post-Op, where Hawkeye is sitting on a bed talking to a wounded soldier. He looks up just as Margaret walks in. He smiles.
"FINALLY! HERE'S MY CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS!"
Hawkeye gives the soldier a reassuring pat on the arm, and then waddles over to where Margaret is looking over a medical chart. Hawkeye steps behind her, peering over her shoulder. She senses that someone is behind her, and turns around.
"OH, PIERCE! YOU SURPRISED ME!"
Hawkeye grins and waves his hand.
"PLEASE CALL ME HAWKEYE, MARGARET."
Margaret gives a small smile, and then turns back to the chart. Hawkeye senses that something is worrying her.
"WHAT'S WRONG MY DAR . . .I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG, MAJOR?"
Margaret (presumably giving a sigh) answers him.
"IT'S CORPORAL SWEENEY. YESTERDAY, HE HAD A ROUTINE APPENDECTOMY, AND NOW HE'S RUNNING A FEVER AND COMPLAINING OF PAIN."
Hawkeye pauses for a second, and then sits on the corporal's bed. The camera gets a shot of a haggard-looking soldier who has a brave face on, but the way his eyes are shut betrays the amount of pain he is feeling. Hawkeye begins to talk.
"LISTEN TO ME, CORPORAL. ALL YOU HAD WAS YOUR APPENDIX TAKEN OUT. I CAN JUST IMAGINE THE PAIN YOU'RE FEELING RIGHT NOW. BUT, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL AN APPENDECTOMY CAN BE, THAT THROBBING PAIN DOESN'T COMPARE TO WHAT YOU WOULD FEEL AFTER HAVING A TON OF SHRAPNEL REMOVED FROM YOUR BELLY. YOU'LL PULL THROUGH. IT'S THE OTHER GUYS IN HERE I'M WORRIED ABOUT."
The corporal gives a pain-filled smile. Hawkeye gets up and walks back over to Margaret.
"ARE YOU STILL WORRIED? SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT AFTER MY LITTLE TALK, SWEENEY'S GONNA BE FEELING BETTER AND BETTER."
Margaret allows herself a grin. She looks very impressed. The scene cuts to the CO's office. Henry, wearing the same outfit as before, is connecting paper clips together. Radar barges in.
"SORRY, COLONEL BLAKE! I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS PAPER SO WE CAN GET MORE PAPER ON ACCOUNT OF WE DIDN'T GET ENOUGH PAPER LAST MONTH."
Henry is startled. His eyes widen in shock.
"GOOD LORD, RADAR . . .I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND YOU! THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES . . ."
Radar nods agreeably and hands Henry the paper, along with a pen.
"YES, SIR!"
Radar, apparently hearing something out in his office, scurries out, only to have Frank coming in at the exact same moment.
"COLONEL BLAKE, I HAVE SOMETHING OF THE UPMOST IMPORTANCE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!"
Henry continues to make a paper clip chain.
"WELL, CONSIDERING IT'S YOU FRANK, IT CAN'T BE THAT IMPORTANT."
Frank is momentarily stopped, but then he clears his throat and starts again.
"AS I WAS SAYING, COLONEL, THE MORALE OF THE CAMP IS AT AN ALLTIME LOW, AND . . ."
Henry makes an instant retort.
"I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY . . .UNLESS . . .OF COURSE!"
He snaps his fingers.
"MAYBE IT'S THE MERE PRESENCE OF A CERTAIN MAJOR PAIN-IN-THE . . ."
Frank gasps.
"COLONEL! WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP THIS A PG FANFIC! NOW, ABOUT THE MORALE. I WAS THINKING OF HAVING A TALENT CONTEST."
Henry is genuinely shocked. He takes a few moments to compose himself.
"OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING FROM THE STILL, FRANK? YOU KNOW HOW THAT STUFF AFFECTS YOUR MIND."
Frank shakes his head "No" emphatically.
"I'M A REAL SOFTY AT HEART, HONEST TO GOD! A TALENT CONTEST WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!"
Henry does some real thinking for once, and after a while, looks up at Frank again.
"ALRIGHT, FRANK. YOU GOT YOUR CONTEST. SATURDAY OKAY?"
Frank nods, and then twists his moustache purely out of habit. He gives Henry a salute, and then leaves the office. He stops at Radar's desk. Radar has his feet up on the desk and a cigar in his mouth. He jumps when he notices Frank.
"DON'T JUST SIT THERE, CORPORAL O'REILLY! ON SATURDAY, WE'RE HOLDING A TALENT CONTEST, AND IT'S THURSDAY NOW! GET BUSY!"
Radar gives a quivering salute, which Frank completely ignores, heading out the door instead. Once outside, he begins rubbing his hands together.
"ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND OUT WHAT THAT NINCOMPOOP PIERCE'LL DO FOR THE CONTEST, AND THEN I'LL GAG HIM AND LOCK HIM UP IN THE SUPPLY TENT. I'LL DISGUISE MYSELF AS PIERCE, AND DO WHATEVER HE'LL DO, THEREBY WINNING MARGARET'S HEART!"
Frank looks directly into the camera.
"HOW'S THAT FOR PLOT EXPOSITION?"
Frank smirks at the thought of his plan and walks to the Swamp.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .