A/N-all sub . . .you know this by now, right?
* = A flapper was a girl back in the 1920's who cut her hair, wore all the latest fashions, and tried things that previously had only been open to men. The typical flapper wore a short skirt, blouse, and a hat called the cloche. Just imagine Gilligan's hat and that's what a cloche looked like.
** = I borrowed this from my science teacher.
"ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! THIS SATURDAY, THERE IS TO BE A TALENT CONTEST HELD IN THE OFFICER'S CLUB. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW OFF YOUR TALENT, PLEASE SIGN UP. A SIGNUP SHEET WILL BE POSTED ON THE BULLETIN BOARD."
Hawkeye is sitting in the Swamp reading a dirty magazine and sipping from a martini glass. He looks up at Trapper, who is fiddling around with the Still.
"WHY ARE YOU FIDDLING AROUND WITH THE STILL?"
Trapper glances over.
"THAT LAST BATCH WAS TOO GINNY FOR MY TASTE. I'M TRYING TO GET A LITTLE VERMOUTH IN HERE."
Hawkeye nods and leafs through his magazine. He holds it up for Trapper to see.
"LOOK AT THIS ONE, TRAP."
Trapper looks and a grin spreads across his face. Frank bursts in.
"DID YOU TWO HALF-WITS HEAR THAT ANNOUNCEMENT?"
Trapper smiles.
"ACTUALLY, WE'RE EACH A QUARTER WIT. TOGETHER, WE MAKE ONE HALF-WIT."
Hawkeye laughs. Frank glares at both of them.
"SURE, LAUGH. MAYBE YOU TWO JOKESTERS COULD MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES AT THE TALENT SHOW. YOUR WIN WOULD BE GUARANTEED!"
Hawkeye and Trapper glance at each other. Hawkeye looks back at Frank.
"ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA SING. I WAS THINKING MAYBE A VAUDEVILLE TUNE."
Frank can barely hide his excitement.
"WHAT SONG? WHAT SONG?"
Hawkeye, a little taken aback from Frank's abnormal interest, shrugs.
"HAVEN'T DECIDED YET."
However, Hawkeye HAS already decided on the song. After Frank leaves, he starts to sing a few bars of "I've Got You Under My Skin", with the words appearing separately. The scene cuts to the Officer's Club. It's now Friday, and everyone is getting ready for the talent contest. Father Mulcahy, wearing the traditional priest clothing, is practicing a little ragtime on the piano, the only thing that can be heard. Klinger, wearing a typical *flapper outfit, walks up to him.
"YOU SURE DO LOVE THAT PIANO, FATHER!"
Father Mulcahy looks up from the music and at the ceiling.
"SOMEONE GAVE ME TALENT."
Klinger nods wisely. Then he turns around and models for the chaplain.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS, FATHER? FOR THE CONTEST, I'M SHOWIN' OFF MY SEWING SKILLS."
Father Mulcahy is obviously trying to think of something to say that won't hurt Klinger's feelings.
"UH . . .BEAUTIFUL, KLINGER. LOVE THE HAT."
Klinger smiles, salutes, and marches off. A little ways, he stops to readjust his skirt. Father Mulcahy shakes his head and looks up again.
"DEAR GOD . . .PLEASE MAKE KLINGER'S PRAYERS COME TRUE. PLEASE GIVE HIM THE SECTION 8 THAT HE NEEDS BADLY."
It's lunchtime, and once again, Frank and Hawkeye are competing for Margaret's attention. In the lunch line, Frank grabs two trays, gets both filled, and hurries over to Margaret's table. Margaret graciously accepts her tray. Hawkeye takes a napkin and spreads it on Margaret's lap. Then he brushes the table off.
"THE MAJOR DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT IN SUCH FILTH."
Hawkeye looks at Frank.
"DID YOU HEAR ME, FERRET FACE? SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT WITH SO MUCH FILTH AROUND. SO, MOVE!"
Frank grumbles to himself and gets up. He decides to go to the Swamp and fish around for any clues as to what Hawkeye is doing for the contest. After several minutes of making the Swamp look even worse, Frank discovers a piece of paper under Hawkeye's pillow. It has the lyrics to "I've Got You Under My Skin". Frank is obviously pleased.
"GOOD! I ALREADY KNOW THIS SONG, SO THIS'LL BE A PIECE OF CAKE! **A SLICE OF PIE!"
Frank spots Hawkeye and Trapper coming and hurriedly replaces the paper.
Saturday morning . . .
Everybody is crowded into the Officer's Club. Radar is rushing around to make sure all of the contestants are there. We see that the last name on his list is Hawkeye's. Radar looks around for him. Then, the scene cuts to the Supply Tent, where Frank, cleverly disguised as Hawkeye, is tying up the real Hawkeye. Hawk is wearing only an undershirt, boxer shorts, and army socks.
"UNTIE ME! YOUR PLAN'LL NEVER WORK!"
Frank cackles with delight.
"YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THE SONG I'LL BE SINGING HAPPENS TO BE MARGARET'S FAVORITE TUNE! SHE'LL SWOON WHEN SHE HEARS IT!"
Hawkeye struggles fiercely to escape, but Frank only gives him a swift kick and leaves, locking the door behind him. Meanwhile, Radar is still looking for Hawkeye. He looks relieved when he sees who he THINKS is Hawkeye approaching him.
"I'M HERE, AND READY TO SING!"
Radar looks at him funny.
"YOU OKAY, CAPTAIN? YOUR VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT."
Frank mentally kicks himself for using his real voice, but then comes up with a quick excuse.
"THROAT'S A LITTLE SORE, THAT'S ALL."
Radar nods, but looks like he doesn't buy it.
"OKAY, YOU'RE ON AFTER FATHER MULCAHY."
Frank smiles and when Radar's gone, he rubs his hands together. Meanwhile, we're back in the Supply Tent, where Hawkeye is hopping to the door and slamming his body against it repeatedly.
"HELLO, HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? I NEED HELP!"
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
* = A flapper was a girl back in the 1920's who cut her hair, wore all the latest fashions, and tried things that previously had only been open to men. The typical flapper wore a short skirt, blouse, and a hat called the cloche. Just imagine Gilligan's hat and that's what a cloche looked like.
** = I borrowed this from my science teacher.
"ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! THIS SATURDAY, THERE IS TO BE A TALENT CONTEST HELD IN THE OFFICER'S CLUB. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW OFF YOUR TALENT, PLEASE SIGN UP. A SIGNUP SHEET WILL BE POSTED ON THE BULLETIN BOARD."
Hawkeye is sitting in the Swamp reading a dirty magazine and sipping from a martini glass. He looks up at Trapper, who is fiddling around with the Still.
"WHY ARE YOU FIDDLING AROUND WITH THE STILL?"
Trapper glances over.
"THAT LAST BATCH WAS TOO GINNY FOR MY TASTE. I'M TRYING TO GET A LITTLE VERMOUTH IN HERE."
Hawkeye nods and leafs through his magazine. He holds it up for Trapper to see.
"LOOK AT THIS ONE, TRAP."
Trapper looks and a grin spreads across his face. Frank bursts in.
"DID YOU TWO HALF-WITS HEAR THAT ANNOUNCEMENT?"
Trapper smiles.
"ACTUALLY, WE'RE EACH A QUARTER WIT. TOGETHER, WE MAKE ONE HALF-WIT."
Hawkeye laughs. Frank glares at both of them.
"SURE, LAUGH. MAYBE YOU TWO JOKESTERS COULD MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES AT THE TALENT SHOW. YOUR WIN WOULD BE GUARANTEED!"
Hawkeye and Trapper glance at each other. Hawkeye looks back at Frank.
"ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA SING. I WAS THINKING MAYBE A VAUDEVILLE TUNE."
Frank can barely hide his excitement.
"WHAT SONG? WHAT SONG?"
Hawkeye, a little taken aback from Frank's abnormal interest, shrugs.
"HAVEN'T DECIDED YET."
However, Hawkeye HAS already decided on the song. After Frank leaves, he starts to sing a few bars of "I've Got You Under My Skin", with the words appearing separately. The scene cuts to the Officer's Club. It's now Friday, and everyone is getting ready for the talent contest. Father Mulcahy, wearing the traditional priest clothing, is practicing a little ragtime on the piano, the only thing that can be heard. Klinger, wearing a typical *flapper outfit, walks up to him.
"YOU SURE DO LOVE THAT PIANO, FATHER!"
Father Mulcahy looks up from the music and at the ceiling.
"SOMEONE GAVE ME TALENT."
Klinger nods wisely. Then he turns around and models for the chaplain.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY DRESS, FATHER? FOR THE CONTEST, I'M SHOWIN' OFF MY SEWING SKILLS."
Father Mulcahy is obviously trying to think of something to say that won't hurt Klinger's feelings.
"UH . . .BEAUTIFUL, KLINGER. LOVE THE HAT."
Klinger smiles, salutes, and marches off. A little ways, he stops to readjust his skirt. Father Mulcahy shakes his head and looks up again.
"DEAR GOD . . .PLEASE MAKE KLINGER'S PRAYERS COME TRUE. PLEASE GIVE HIM THE SECTION 8 THAT HE NEEDS BADLY."
It's lunchtime, and once again, Frank and Hawkeye are competing for Margaret's attention. In the lunch line, Frank grabs two trays, gets both filled, and hurries over to Margaret's table. Margaret graciously accepts her tray. Hawkeye takes a napkin and spreads it on Margaret's lap. Then he brushes the table off.
"THE MAJOR DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT IN SUCH FILTH."
Hawkeye looks at Frank.
"DID YOU HEAR ME, FERRET FACE? SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT WITH SO MUCH FILTH AROUND. SO, MOVE!"
Frank grumbles to himself and gets up. He decides to go to the Swamp and fish around for any clues as to what Hawkeye is doing for the contest. After several minutes of making the Swamp look even worse, Frank discovers a piece of paper under Hawkeye's pillow. It has the lyrics to "I've Got You Under My Skin". Frank is obviously pleased.
"GOOD! I ALREADY KNOW THIS SONG, SO THIS'LL BE A PIECE OF CAKE! **A SLICE OF PIE!"
Frank spots Hawkeye and Trapper coming and hurriedly replaces the paper.
Saturday morning . . .
Everybody is crowded into the Officer's Club. Radar is rushing around to make sure all of the contestants are there. We see that the last name on his list is Hawkeye's. Radar looks around for him. Then, the scene cuts to the Supply Tent, where Frank, cleverly disguised as Hawkeye, is tying up the real Hawkeye. Hawk is wearing only an undershirt, boxer shorts, and army socks.
"UNTIE ME! YOUR PLAN'LL NEVER WORK!"
Frank cackles with delight.
"YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THE SONG I'LL BE SINGING HAPPENS TO BE MARGARET'S FAVORITE TUNE! SHE'LL SWOON WHEN SHE HEARS IT!"
Hawkeye struggles fiercely to escape, but Frank only gives him a swift kick and leaves, locking the door behind him. Meanwhile, Radar is still looking for Hawkeye. He looks relieved when he sees who he THINKS is Hawkeye approaching him.
"I'M HERE, AND READY TO SING!"
Radar looks at him funny.
"YOU OKAY, CAPTAIN? YOUR VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT."
Frank mentally kicks himself for using his real voice, but then comes up with a quick excuse.
"THROAT'S A LITTLE SORE, THAT'S ALL."
Radar nods, but looks like he doesn't buy it.
"OKAY, YOU'RE ON AFTER FATHER MULCAHY."
Frank smiles and when Radar's gone, he rubs his hands together. Meanwhile, we're back in the Supply Tent, where Hawkeye is hopping to the door and slamming his body against it repeatedly.
"HELLO, HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? I NEED HELP!"
TO BE CONTINUED . . .