NB: Dum dee dum. I don't own Cowboy Bebop or anything else cool. I DO, however, own the Guide to Critical Thinking...not that it has helped me any...because I haven't read it.
You guys are too good to me. And now I feel bad making you wait for this chapter while I suffer through some obscure form of the stomach flu and plough through some book on Sherpas. Just great.
Anyhoo. Thanks for the reviews. I couldn't do this if you guys weren't so supportive.
So, here it is. The BIG chapter 6! I think...I lost count...
**
Misery: We Might Be Wrong
**
Oddly enough, Spike realized that it was his complete lack of discomfort that had awoken him. He could vaguely remember being in the bathroom; doing what, he couldn't say, but he knew he ended up in the bathtub.
The comfortably soft warmth surrounding him alerted Spike that he was no longer in the tub. Scratching his stomach, he also noticed that the wound on his abdomen was freshly bandaged and no longer itched. There was still a slight burn, but Spike had to concentrate in order to detect it. He sighed, almost feeling good. Everything felt all right. Everything except...
Spike opened his eyes to glare at Ein, who, perched on his chest, was panting in Spike's face. Spike raised a hand to push the dog off of him, but was surprised to find that he was petting Ein instead. For a moment, he thought that Ein looked surprised too.
"Don't get used to it," Spike muttered. "I'll be a lonely old man before I resort to petting an animal again."
"You're awake!" Ed shrieked, nearly sending both Spike and Ein through the roof.
She had been sitting on the floor of Spike's room, playing what looked like highly modified solitaire with an unfamiliar deck of cards. When Ed heard that he was awake, she leapt to her feet and threw her arms around the now-sitting Spike's neck. Ein jumped off of the bed to avoid the crushing embrace.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" Spike found it hard to speak as, to his annoyance, his face was buried in Ed's pink hair. He tugged at the back of her tank top, trying to pull her off of him, but she would not let go.
"Faye-Faye and Jet-Person told Ed to look after Spike-Person!" Ed sang, throwing her arms from around Spike's neck and up into the air. Spike took that opportunity to lie back on his bed, so that Ed wouldn't get hold of his neck again.
"Jet-Person found Spike-Person in the bathtub, and wanted to leave you there for wasting all the water." Ed made swimming gestures while she sang. "Faye-Faye taught Ed how to fix your ouchie and to make sure that you don't do anything stupid while she is gone!" Stretching her arms out like wings, Ed leapt onto Spike's bed, barely missing landing on his legs, only to leap off of it. Watching her, Spike rubbed one eye with the palm of his hand, sighing miserably.
"Where did they go?" Spike tried to ask the girl as she tore around his room, making engine noises. //They must hate me,\\ he thought bitterly, //leaving me alone with this little freak.\\
Ed stopped abruptly at where she had left her card game, and sat down again in front of it.
"Ed, where did they go?"
The girl didn't answer right away, but instead, cocked her head towards the ceiling in a thoughtful pose.
"Faye-Faye went to catch the poison man." Ed picked up one of her cards and examined it closely. "Ed wanted to go too, but Faye-Faye said to look after Spike-Person."
"Jet went with her?"
Ed shook her head. "Faye-Faye went by herself."
"Then where is he?" Spike glared at Ed as the girl took on a dazed look and yawned. "Where is he, Ed?"
"Faye-Faye called Ed yesterday morning," Ed said through a yawn. "She wanted Jet-Person to go help her." She scooped all of her cards into a pile and began arranging them back into a deck. "Faye-Faye said she was in trouble."
Spike did not like the sound of that. He felt a cold lump form in the pit of his stomach.
"When did Jet leave?" Spike sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the side. His mind was too occupied with his crewmates for him to realize the new freedom of movement he had.
"Lunch time!" Ed brought her neatly arranged deck of cards to her chest, then, without warning, shot her arms upwards, releasing the cards into the air. Ein began barking as the cards fluttered downwards.
Spike was quickly losing his patients.
"Forget about your stomach, Ed! What time did Jet leave?" He irritably brushed away a card that had landed in his hair.
"Ed told you! Jet-Person left at lunch time."
"Has he called?" //Shit,\\ Spike thought. //I'm beginning to sound like a nagging grandmother.\\
Spike didn't wait for Ed's answer. Getting up from his bed, he quickly found a clean shirt and, pulling it over his head, he made to leave the room. Ed leaned over and latched onto his leg as he passed.
"If you bite me again, I'll -"
"Ed promised Faye-Faye that you would stay in bed!"
Spike paused for a moment, reaching down to pry Ed off of his leg. He was relieved when she didn't protest.
"I think I've been in bed long enough," he muttered, opening the door to his room.
"Only two days!" Ed whined, getting up to follow him.
"What do you mean, 'Only two days?'?" Spike snapped, and he began making his way to the control room, wishing he had worn socks.
His heart began to pound when he heard the beep of an incoming call. He found himself running, leaping up the few steps that led to the control room. He wasn't even aware of the words he was mouthing as he made to activate the call, //She's all right...\\
An exhausted looking Jet greeted him.
"Jet!" Spike exclaimed, sounding a little more than disappointed and worried at the same time. The older man seemed surprised to see Spike.
"That was a fast recovery," Jet grumbled. Spike could hear sirens and gunshots in the background. The cold lump in his stomach expanded.
"Where's Faye?" he demanded, ignoring Jet's comment on his health. Spike watched Jet's face darken on the computer screen.
"I was hoping you could tell me. She's not where she said she'd be. I thought maybe she had a chance to get out of here and made it back with you guys." Jet's brow furrowed in angry worry. "Damn woman. I told her not to risk it alone."
Spike suddenly realized he had no idea who they were after in the first place. He was almost afraid to ask.
"Han Rowan. The terrorist who infiltrated all major coffee and tea production companies fifteen years ago and made sure that every product put on a store shelf was laced with Yrukon5."
"What the hell is eeroocon five?" Spike demanded, irritated with Jet for not speaking his language.
"A deadly poison that Rowan helped develop, and it only works if taken orally. Turns the esophagus and stomach into slag. Very painful."
"Oh..."
"No one could find him then, and now that he's back on the scene, it seems like no one can find him now either. He's worth 25 million, for fifteen years ago, and now for selling the poison in pure form to whoever's willing to pay for it. Faye was patching you up when Ed claimed that she had found him."
"What the hell is going on over there?" Spike asked, still hearing the sirens and gunshots. Faye had gone after a teatime terrorist, got herself in enough trouble that she had to call Jet, and now it sounded as if a war was going on in the background.
The older man sighed, scratching the top of his head.
"Turns out that Faye wasn't the only bounty hunter aware of Rowan's position. She bumped into this other character while trying to scout the place out. He apparently gave her a pretty rough time, and after running out of ammo in a shoot out, she had to find someplace to hide. Naturally, their little gun games alerted whoever was in the compound, and -"
"Where are you?" Spike cut him off, feeling a very unpleasant, very unfamiliar panic form inside of him. "I'll -"
"Never mind!" Jet snapped. "This place is bad enough without some idiot cripple coming in to screw things up."
"I resent that," Spike muttered, sighing.
"Her Red Tail is still here. I'm going to keep looking. She may be a damn nuisance, but she can look after herself. She's fine, wherever she's hiding."
Spike didn't miss the reassuring tone in the older man's voice, and he cast him an annoyed glare. Jet cut the connection.
Gritting his teeth in frustration, Spike sat back in the chair in front of the consol. //What the hell is going on? What was Faye thinking? Why would she go off like that on her own? Why did Jet let her go off on her own? Why hasn't she called? Why hasn't she at least let us know that she's all right? Why am I asking all these questions?\\ Spike ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. //I'm thinking about her as though she's a child. She can take care of her damned self.\\
"Ed's hungry." The girl appeared as if from nowhere at Spike's shoulder, and she started to lean on him. Ein sat at his feet.
"So what," Spike muttered, rolling his eyes when Ed hugged his arm. "What is with you? Don't you have someplace to be?"
"Ed wants something to eat," she said against his shoulder.
"So then eat something!"
"Ed wants Spike-Person to make her macaroni."
"Make your own damn macaroni," Spike replied, shrugging his arm in annoyance. //Why doesn't she call?//
"Can't! Ed promised Jet-Person that she wouldn't make anything when he left!"
//Is her phone broken? Are her legs broken? She can't make it to a pay phone, or even her Red Tail? What the hell?\\
"Macaroni!"
//What if she is hurt? What if she never made it to the place where she was supposed to meet Jet? What if Jet doesn't find her on time? What if I'm losing my fucking mind?\\
"Macaroni!"
//She's fine. I refuse to think that anything bad happened to her. She's just hiding from that bounty-hunting fucker. When I get my hands on him, I'm going to break his face. I'm going to hunt him down and break every bone in his body for making me worry over THAT woman. I'm going to -\\
"Spike-Person is supposed to pretend that he doesn't like Ed," Ed said, her voice muffled against Spike's side. Her words confused him out of his daze, and to his chagrin, he found that Ed was no longer hugging his arm; Spike was hugging Ed to his side. He immediately removed his arm from around her, hoping that Ed would move away, but she didn't.
"Go make your macaroni," he said quietly, and turning his head slightly, he saw a pack of cigarettes that Jet left behind. He reached over for one, feeling Ed lean with him. When he straightened back up in the chair, Ed straightened up with him. "Go make your macaroni, Ed," he said again, getting up from the chair.
"Ed already told you that she's not allowed to."
"Since when do you listen to what anybody tells you?" Spike snapped. He took a long drag from his cigarette. Exhaling, he looked down at Ed through the noxious cloud of smoke. The girl was staring up at him with a wide-eyed, yet blank expression. //What is with her?\\
"Just go and eat something else, will you?"
Ed didn't say anything, but continued to stare up at him. Sighing, Spike left the control room, feeling his own stomach protest in hunger. //Maybe I'll have to make macaroni after all.\\
The galley was empty. There was no macaroni or anything else of substance that Spike could find. //Didn't really feel like eating anyway...\\ He sat himself on a stool, watching Ed discover for herself that there was no macaroni. He then watched her get down on her hands and knees and, with Ein as her accomplice, sniff around the lower cupboard like a dog. The two completely disappeared within the long-empty cupboard.
//Why isn't she with her father?\\ Spike thought suddenly, stubbing his cigarette out in the countertop ashtray. He immediately felt guilty for never thanking her for finding him. He didn't know why the eccentric girl decided to stay with them again. //We don't exactly treat her that great...\\
Ed resurfaced holding a large, rectangular box.
"Pocky!" she shrieked, waiving the box of giant chocolate Pocky sticks Spike had hidden there long before he left. He almost protested, but Ed disappeared again within the cupboards.
//You could be nicer to her, you know.\\ Spike told himself. //It's not like she has a reliable family. Her moron father can't even keep track of her. She needs someone she can look up to, someone who will look after her. Someone who will feed her more than stale giant Pockys for lunch...\\
"No Ein! We have to save some for Spike-Person!"
Spike hung his head in defeat, rubbing his temples. //Your number has come up, Spike Spiegel,\\ he thought, though he didn't feel as miserable as he expected. //First, it's that damn woman, then you pet that damn dog, and now you have sympathy for that damn kid. You are losing your fucking mind.\\
Ed somersaulted out of the cupboards; stopped in front of Spike and held up three giant Pocky sticks.
"Lunch time!"
Spike shook his head at the girl, waiving his hand at the offering.
"No thanks, save them for later."
"But lunch time is NOW."
"You're not eating Pocky for lunch," Spike replied, shrugging nonchalantly. He stood up, making his way back to his room. Ed and Ein followed him, and Spike made no move to stop them. //At least being nice to Ed takes my mind off of Faye...Why doesn't she call?\\
"Where are you going?" Ed demanded, jumping onto Spike's bed while he looked for socks.
"Out," he said, pointing to Ed's feet. "Put some socks on."
"Ed doesn't like socks, and I promised Faye-Faye not to let you out of my sight."
Spike shrugged again, grabbing his blue pants and yellow shirt.
"That's why you're coming with me. Now go put some socks on."
Ed vaulted off the bed in glee and cart wheeled towards Spike's door.
"Can Ein come too?" Ed shouted just before she exited his room, Ein barking after her. Spike rolled his eyes.
"Whatever! Just put your damn socks on!"
When Ed and Ein left, Spike changed into his more socially acceptable outfit and pulled on his shoes. He then pulled out his money cards and checked the balance. He sighed heavily. "You are a poor, pathetic man, my friend." He shrugged yet again, and putting his cards in his pocket, he grabbed his phone before he left the room. //Just in case...\\
Ed was waiting for him outside his room. She had put on both socks and shoes, and had Ein on a leash. She flashed Spike her wild, toothy grin and followed after him. She pulled off her shoes and socks when she thought Spike wasn't looking.
"Where are we going?" Ed reached up and grabbed Spike's arm. She didn't let go. The tone in her voice made Spike think that she really didn't care where they were going. The fact that they were actually 'going' was good enough for her. Spike almost smiled.
"Nowhere special," he replied, "I'm going to buy us some macaroni."
**
Jet arrived a day and a half later, tired, hungry, and downhearted. He didn't know how else he could put it. Faye was gone. She disappeared. She completely evaded Jet and any other individual who was looking for survivors after the shoot out. Or someone else had done it for her...
He found no sign of the other bounty hunter either. Had he pursued her elsewhere?
Sure enough, upon returning to the spot where Faye had left the Red Tail, the vehicle was gone. Jet could only hope that it was Faye who left in it, not someone who suffered from severe anti-social personality disorder.
He tried to call Faye several times, but never got an answer. He let it ring for what seemed forever, until he finally cancelled, a frustration building inside of him.
Call Spike? He couldn't do it. He didn't want to see the look on the younger man's face when he told Spike that Faye was gone, and he didn't know if she was still alive.
Spike had changed. Drastically. It made Jet a little more than uncomfortable to see the emotion that Spike unknowingly allowed to grace his features. Especially around Faye, or even at the mention of her name. It was as if he couldn't decide whether or not he should hate Faye, or love her.
Jet knew that Spike definitely didn't hate the woman, far from it. But could he stop tormenting himself over Julia long enough to get some peace and comfort from a woman who is willing, even if she didn't know it yet herself, to give him more than Julia ever could? Jet didn't know, though both he and Faye knew that while Spike's heart might tell him one thing, his pride and his guilt screamed at him another.
Jet sighed, making his way across the hanger. He wasn't going to tell anybody anything until he had a nap and something to eat.
**
What Jet saw when he entered the living room totally turned his notion of Bebop normalcy upside down. He had planned to make a b-line to his room, not stopping for anybody...but he had to stop and stare at this.
They lay on the living room floor, facing each other stretched out on their stomachs, and propped up by their elbows. A cigarette hung from Spike's lips as he held his cards in front of him, eying Ed suspiciously. Ed held a giant Pocky between her teeth, examining her cards carefully. Ein was curled up in the small of Spike's back, sleeping. Jet saw the phone close by Spike's side. Neither of them saw Jet watching.
"Go fish!" Ed finally cried, and with a miserable look, Spike hung his head.
"I'm beginning to think you don't know how to play this game..."
"Go fish!"
"You don't just say that every time I ask you for a card. Such a little cheater!"
"Go fish!"
Narrowing his eyes and glaring at the girl, Spike snatched up a card from off the floor, and looking at it, he gritted his teeth.
"Next game, we are playing Crazy Eights," he muttered, adding the card to his hand.
Jet was speechless. He didn't know how to respond to seeing Spike, who could normally stand neither Ed nor Ein, actually spending 'quality time' with his crewmates. He suddenly felt the need to laugh.
Ein lifted his head then, sleepy eyes taking a moment to analyze Jet. He then barked a greeting, alerting Spike and Ed to Jet's presence. Jet silently cursed the mutt for making him face Spike before he was good and ready.
"Jet-Person's back!" Ed sang, throwing her cards into the air. Ein leapt off of Spike's back to chase them.
And Spike's face, looking up at Jet, cigarette still between his lips, was read like an open book. Relief first, upon seeing the older man, but the absence of Faye caused disappointment, worry, anger, and worst of all, grief, to wash over his face, one after the other, until only a stony expression was left. But Jet did not miss the unasked question that practically raged from Spike's eyes.
Jet shook his head. He made to leave for his room.
"So what are you telling me?" Spike said quietly, causing Jet to stop, but not turn around.
"I don't know," Jet replied. "She's gone. Her Red Tail's gone. I can only assume that she's alive and still running."
"Did you call her?"
"Several times," Jet said with a sigh, scratching the top of his head. "Did you?"
Spike didn't answer, and Jet continued to his room.
"Damn that woman," he muttered when he reached his room, closing the door behind him.
**
Spike sat alone on the edge of the Bebop deck, turning the phone over in his hands. It was a warm night, and Spike loosened his tie before retrieving a cigarette. It had been three days since Jet returned, and Faye still hadn't called. Jet tried to reach her several times a day, but Faye never answered. Spike was beginning to think she would never come back.
"Busy woman," he muttered, placing the phone beside him as he tried to light his cigarette.
He and Jet had let Ed sleep in Faye's bed while she was away. There was no sense in letting the girl curl up on the cold floor when there was a vacant bed available. They just had to wait for Ed to fall asleep somewhere before one of them carried her to Faye's bed. Spike had tucked Ed in that night, or rather, plunked her on the mattress and tossed a blanket over her. He then scooped Ein up and tossed him on the bed as well. //Serves that woman right,\\ he thought bitterly, //if she comes back to find her stuff covered in dog hair. Divine retribution, as Jet says.\\
The sound of a familiar engine could be heard at some distance, and as if to confirm his hope, Spike received an incoming call. He picked up the phone again, and let it beep several times before he activated it.
Faye's angry face stared back at him.
"I'm coming in. Can you open the hanger?"
"It's open," he replied simply, staring at her face. She looked unhurt. Angry, but unhurt. Faye cut the connection, and Spike felt a wave of relief wash over him as he stood, looking up to see her Red Tail approaching.
He had to force himself to walk to the hanger after she had maneuvered her vehicle inside. He closed the hanger door after him, watching Faye open the latch to the Red Tail and climb out. She seemed so angry, and she totally ignored Spike as she stomped towards the door leading into the Bebop. Spike had to call after her to make her stop.
"Hey!" He shouted, quickening his pace to catch up. "Faye!"
"What?" she snapped, not bothering to hide the irritation in her voice. When she turned around, Spike could see the slightly faded remains of what had been an angry bruise on her neck.
"What happened to you?" he asked quietly, stepping towards her.
"Nothing," she replied, stomping off again. Spike felt anger flare up inside of him, and he moved after her. //What is her problem?\\
"Hey!" he shouted again, "Where the hell have you been?"
"None of your business," she shot back, but Spike caught up to her and yanked on her arm, forcing her to turn around. "Let go!"
"No! It is my business. Do you have any idea what you put Jet through? Why weren't you where you told him you'd be?"
Faye's face darkened. //Put Jet through?\\ she thought bitterly. //After all that hell, and I only have Jet to answer for? Thanks for your concern, Spike. You asshole!\\
"I was trying to save my life!" Faye snarled at him, tearing her arm from his grasp. "That psychopath was so pissed off at me for 'encroaching on his bounty', that he fucking chased me halfway across the solar system just so he could strangle me to death. Excuse me for not making it back in time for tea!"
"You could have called!" Spike stopped, shook his head and gave a bitter laugh. "No, you could have fucking ANSWERED our calls! Why would you be so inconsiderate?"
"What the hell are you trying?" Faye glared at him, voice dangerously low. "For someone who comes and goes as he pleases, regardless of how it makes other people feel, you sure are one to talk about consideration!"
Spike moved forward again, but Faye shoved him back violently with both hands.
"Where was my phone call?" she shouted at him. "Where were my fucking phone calls all those times I sat waiting for you to return? Don't give me that look!" she spat when Spike rolled his eyes. "Because now you know how it feels."
"What is wrong with you? Are you trying to tell me that you didn't call for the express reason of paying me back?" Spike shook his head in disbelief. "That's really great, Faye. Top notch. I give you full marks for immaturity -"
She struck him hard, allowing the palm of her hand to make full contact with his face. It shocked him out of his line of thought, and he found that he couldn't look at her anymore.
"Fuck you," she breathed, stepping away from him. "I never said I didn't want to call you. I never said I didn't want to answer your calls, or that I was paying you back. You have no idea..." Her voice trailed off, and without warning, she spun around and left Spike standing by himself in the hanger, hand on his stinging face.
He made no move to follow her. What would he do? What would he say to her? He already regretted his words. He didn't want to start a shouting match; he didn't want to make her angry with him. What had happened to her to make her so angry in the first place? What had that bounty hunter done to her to make her turn on him like that?
He really didn't have any idea.
**
He had to choose.
Again, like so many nights before, Spike found himself a bystander. He looked on as Faye and Julia faced each other, ready to strike the other down.
But this night was different. Spike couldn't wake himself up. He couldn't pull himself away as both woman turned to face him, haunted eyes piercing him as they kept their weapons leveled at one another.
As he watched their mouths open in unison, he felt his own mouth turn to ash. //Wake up...\\
"Choose."
It came out as a single voice, though they said it at the same time. Their faces were emotionless, but the voice was anguished, echoing in his mind like a persistent scream. He tried to swallow, but couldn't, a hitch in his throat making it difficult to breathe. All he could do was stare from one woman to the other.
Faye's eyes rested directly, intently, on his. Behind the haunted curtain of her gaze was a fierce, determined look.
Spike couldn't understand why Julia's gaze, while at first resting directly on him, seemed to pass through and focus on something beyond. Her face took on a distant, saddened look that pained him. He couldn't help but reach out to her, try to get her to look AT him...
"Julia."
He stepped back in shock as Julia's eyes suddenly flashed into focus. Without turning to look at Faye, Julia moved her arm in a single, violent sweep.
And everything slowed.
Spike could hear the ring of the blade as the sword cut through the air. //Was that my choice?\\ He could hear Faye cry out as the sword passed through her. He could hear his gun hit the ground, her hand no longer able to hold it. //That wasn't my choice!\\ his mind screamed as he tried to rush forward, attempting to catch Faye before she fell.
He could hear her body crumble.
**
His dream had scared him so much that he found himself leaping from his bed and running for the door. He had awoken with a strangled cry, covered in a cold sweat. For a moment, he could barely discern between the reality of his bedroom, and the horror of his dream. He wasn't even sure if he hadn't just imagined Faye's return that evening, or if it had been part of his dream. Before he could reason with himself, he was heading for her room. He had to be sure.
He nearly knocked her down. The moment his door opened, he made to rush forward, unable to see the pajama clad woman standing in his way. Faye made a startled noise and Spike grabbed hold of her to steady himself. He just stared down at her, as if he still couldn't decide whether she was real or imagined.
The look in his eyes frightened her, and she tried stepped back.
"Are you awake?"
As if her words were the deciding factor, Spike let go of her and rubbed his eyes in relief, trying to steady his breathing. He didn't reply.
They stared at each other for some time, and Spike was almost afraid to say anything lest she was still angry with him. He noted that she didn't look angry. In fact, he could tell that she had been crying, but he wasn't about to take his analysis to heart. His eyes were still heavy with fatigue.
Without thinking, he reached out and touched the bruise on her neck. Faye started to shy away, but stopped when Spike raised his hand to cup her face. She refused to look at him then, and Spike saw that she almost looked ashamed. When she started to cry, he pulled her against him.
He continued to not think as he pulled away from her slightly, raising her chin with one hand and wiping her tears gently with his thumb.
"I couldn't sleep," Faye whispered. "Not until I -" she practically choked on the next words, her pride, as always, interfering with her apology. Spike didn't let her finish. Without thinking of the consequences of his actions, he kissed her. Faye held herself rigidly against him for a moment, unable to respond. She had not expected him to act like this. She had not expected him to forgive her so easily for her cruel behaviour. She wondered again if he was actually awake.
Dejected, Spike pulled away. Braving a glance at Faye, he saw her surprised look and interpreted that he had crossed the line. He released her completely, running a hand through his hair in embarrassment.
"Sorry," he mumbled, "wasn't thinking." He turned away from her, expecting her to stomp back to her room. He walked to his own bed, and with a disheartened sigh, climbed back in.
It took him several moments before he realized that his door was still open. He didn't feel like getting up to close it. He didn't think it would matter anyway. He wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so the light flooding in wouldn't bother him. He pulled his sheets up around his shoulders and stared at the wall.
When his door did close, he looked over in surprise to see Faye walking hesitantly towards his bed. She wrung her hands and bit her lip, unable to meet his eyes. Spike stared at her patiently, though he felt his heart quicken its pace again. He felt panic well up inside of him, suddenly not sure if everything was all right. If everything he was thinking and feeling was right.
"I had the worst dream," he muttered, not at all sure of why he was telling her.
"So did I," she whispered in reply, reaching one hand up to brush hair from her eyes. She looked down at her feet.
"You died." He hadn't wanted to tell her that, but he couldn't stop himself. He watched as her eyes widened and she finally met his gaze.
"I know." She took a step closer to his bed and sat on the edge. Spike sat up himself, pushing the sheets back. "You kill me every night," she said with a slight, humourless laugh, turning her back to him.
"Faye..." he started, reaching out to touch her back. She made no move to avoid him, and when she felt his hand on her, she turned and gave him a slight smile. It wasn't happy.
"I don't want to be alone," she said, and she let Spike pull her towards him, so that she was leaning against him. "Maybe, if I'm here, the dreams will stop. I won't have to think, I won't have to pretend that I'm really not alone."
He didn't know what to say. He had no words of comfort to offer her. Instead, he just lay back, pulling her gently with him. He had no idea what he was doing, what he was going to do.
He held her close while she slept, never finding rest himself. He was no longer sure if it was simple guilt that held him back. Panic seemed to be fighting for a place inside of him. He could no longer imagine life without Faye, and it scared him. Unlike Julia, she had been stable, she had been there for him, and when she disappeared, he felt empty. //What would you do if anything happened to her?\\
For the first time, he realized that he was afraid of loving Faye.
**
And that's the end of that chapter. Whew. As always, I'm sorry for any errors I missed. Will update by the end of next week.
You guys are too good to me. And now I feel bad making you wait for this chapter while I suffer through some obscure form of the stomach flu and plough through some book on Sherpas. Just great.
Anyhoo. Thanks for the reviews. I couldn't do this if you guys weren't so supportive.
So, here it is. The BIG chapter 6! I think...I lost count...
**
Misery: We Might Be Wrong
**
Oddly enough, Spike realized that it was his complete lack of discomfort that had awoken him. He could vaguely remember being in the bathroom; doing what, he couldn't say, but he knew he ended up in the bathtub.
The comfortably soft warmth surrounding him alerted Spike that he was no longer in the tub. Scratching his stomach, he also noticed that the wound on his abdomen was freshly bandaged and no longer itched. There was still a slight burn, but Spike had to concentrate in order to detect it. He sighed, almost feeling good. Everything felt all right. Everything except...
Spike opened his eyes to glare at Ein, who, perched on his chest, was panting in Spike's face. Spike raised a hand to push the dog off of him, but was surprised to find that he was petting Ein instead. For a moment, he thought that Ein looked surprised too.
"Don't get used to it," Spike muttered. "I'll be a lonely old man before I resort to petting an animal again."
"You're awake!" Ed shrieked, nearly sending both Spike and Ein through the roof.
She had been sitting on the floor of Spike's room, playing what looked like highly modified solitaire with an unfamiliar deck of cards. When Ed heard that he was awake, she leapt to her feet and threw her arms around the now-sitting Spike's neck. Ein jumped off of the bed to avoid the crushing embrace.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" Spike found it hard to speak as, to his annoyance, his face was buried in Ed's pink hair. He tugged at the back of her tank top, trying to pull her off of him, but she would not let go.
"Faye-Faye and Jet-Person told Ed to look after Spike-Person!" Ed sang, throwing her arms from around Spike's neck and up into the air. Spike took that opportunity to lie back on his bed, so that Ed wouldn't get hold of his neck again.
"Jet-Person found Spike-Person in the bathtub, and wanted to leave you there for wasting all the water." Ed made swimming gestures while she sang. "Faye-Faye taught Ed how to fix your ouchie and to make sure that you don't do anything stupid while she is gone!" Stretching her arms out like wings, Ed leapt onto Spike's bed, barely missing landing on his legs, only to leap off of it. Watching her, Spike rubbed one eye with the palm of his hand, sighing miserably.
"Where did they go?" Spike tried to ask the girl as she tore around his room, making engine noises. //They must hate me,\\ he thought bitterly, //leaving me alone with this little freak.\\
Ed stopped abruptly at where she had left her card game, and sat down again in front of it.
"Ed, where did they go?"
The girl didn't answer right away, but instead, cocked her head towards the ceiling in a thoughtful pose.
"Faye-Faye went to catch the poison man." Ed picked up one of her cards and examined it closely. "Ed wanted to go too, but Faye-Faye said to look after Spike-Person."
"Jet went with her?"
Ed shook her head. "Faye-Faye went by herself."
"Then where is he?" Spike glared at Ed as the girl took on a dazed look and yawned. "Where is he, Ed?"
"Faye-Faye called Ed yesterday morning," Ed said through a yawn. "She wanted Jet-Person to go help her." She scooped all of her cards into a pile and began arranging them back into a deck. "Faye-Faye said she was in trouble."
Spike did not like the sound of that. He felt a cold lump form in the pit of his stomach.
"When did Jet leave?" Spike sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the side. His mind was too occupied with his crewmates for him to realize the new freedom of movement he had.
"Lunch time!" Ed brought her neatly arranged deck of cards to her chest, then, without warning, shot her arms upwards, releasing the cards into the air. Ein began barking as the cards fluttered downwards.
Spike was quickly losing his patients.
"Forget about your stomach, Ed! What time did Jet leave?" He irritably brushed away a card that had landed in his hair.
"Ed told you! Jet-Person left at lunch time."
"Has he called?" //Shit,\\ Spike thought. //I'm beginning to sound like a nagging grandmother.\\
Spike didn't wait for Ed's answer. Getting up from his bed, he quickly found a clean shirt and, pulling it over his head, he made to leave the room. Ed leaned over and latched onto his leg as he passed.
"If you bite me again, I'll -"
"Ed promised Faye-Faye that you would stay in bed!"
Spike paused for a moment, reaching down to pry Ed off of his leg. He was relieved when she didn't protest.
"I think I've been in bed long enough," he muttered, opening the door to his room.
"Only two days!" Ed whined, getting up to follow him.
"What do you mean, 'Only two days?'?" Spike snapped, and he began making his way to the control room, wishing he had worn socks.
His heart began to pound when he heard the beep of an incoming call. He found himself running, leaping up the few steps that led to the control room. He wasn't even aware of the words he was mouthing as he made to activate the call, //She's all right...\\
An exhausted looking Jet greeted him.
"Jet!" Spike exclaimed, sounding a little more than disappointed and worried at the same time. The older man seemed surprised to see Spike.
"That was a fast recovery," Jet grumbled. Spike could hear sirens and gunshots in the background. The cold lump in his stomach expanded.
"Where's Faye?" he demanded, ignoring Jet's comment on his health. Spike watched Jet's face darken on the computer screen.
"I was hoping you could tell me. She's not where she said she'd be. I thought maybe she had a chance to get out of here and made it back with you guys." Jet's brow furrowed in angry worry. "Damn woman. I told her not to risk it alone."
Spike suddenly realized he had no idea who they were after in the first place. He was almost afraid to ask.
"Han Rowan. The terrorist who infiltrated all major coffee and tea production companies fifteen years ago and made sure that every product put on a store shelf was laced with Yrukon5."
"What the hell is eeroocon five?" Spike demanded, irritated with Jet for not speaking his language.
"A deadly poison that Rowan helped develop, and it only works if taken orally. Turns the esophagus and stomach into slag. Very painful."
"Oh..."
"No one could find him then, and now that he's back on the scene, it seems like no one can find him now either. He's worth 25 million, for fifteen years ago, and now for selling the poison in pure form to whoever's willing to pay for it. Faye was patching you up when Ed claimed that she had found him."
"What the hell is going on over there?" Spike asked, still hearing the sirens and gunshots. Faye had gone after a teatime terrorist, got herself in enough trouble that she had to call Jet, and now it sounded as if a war was going on in the background.
The older man sighed, scratching the top of his head.
"Turns out that Faye wasn't the only bounty hunter aware of Rowan's position. She bumped into this other character while trying to scout the place out. He apparently gave her a pretty rough time, and after running out of ammo in a shoot out, she had to find someplace to hide. Naturally, their little gun games alerted whoever was in the compound, and -"
"Where are you?" Spike cut him off, feeling a very unpleasant, very unfamiliar panic form inside of him. "I'll -"
"Never mind!" Jet snapped. "This place is bad enough without some idiot cripple coming in to screw things up."
"I resent that," Spike muttered, sighing.
"Her Red Tail is still here. I'm going to keep looking. She may be a damn nuisance, but she can look after herself. She's fine, wherever she's hiding."
Spike didn't miss the reassuring tone in the older man's voice, and he cast him an annoyed glare. Jet cut the connection.
Gritting his teeth in frustration, Spike sat back in the chair in front of the consol. //What the hell is going on? What was Faye thinking? Why would she go off like that on her own? Why did Jet let her go off on her own? Why hasn't she called? Why hasn't she at least let us know that she's all right? Why am I asking all these questions?\\ Spike ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. //I'm thinking about her as though she's a child. She can take care of her damned self.\\
"Ed's hungry." The girl appeared as if from nowhere at Spike's shoulder, and she started to lean on him. Ein sat at his feet.
"So what," Spike muttered, rolling his eyes when Ed hugged his arm. "What is with you? Don't you have someplace to be?"
"Ed wants something to eat," she said against his shoulder.
"So then eat something!"
"Ed wants Spike-Person to make her macaroni."
"Make your own damn macaroni," Spike replied, shrugging his arm in annoyance. //Why doesn't she call?//
"Can't! Ed promised Jet-Person that she wouldn't make anything when he left!"
//Is her phone broken? Are her legs broken? She can't make it to a pay phone, or even her Red Tail? What the hell?\\
"Macaroni!"
//What if she is hurt? What if she never made it to the place where she was supposed to meet Jet? What if Jet doesn't find her on time? What if I'm losing my fucking mind?\\
"Macaroni!"
//She's fine. I refuse to think that anything bad happened to her. She's just hiding from that bounty-hunting fucker. When I get my hands on him, I'm going to break his face. I'm going to hunt him down and break every bone in his body for making me worry over THAT woman. I'm going to -\\
"Spike-Person is supposed to pretend that he doesn't like Ed," Ed said, her voice muffled against Spike's side. Her words confused him out of his daze, and to his chagrin, he found that Ed was no longer hugging his arm; Spike was hugging Ed to his side. He immediately removed his arm from around her, hoping that Ed would move away, but she didn't.
"Go make your macaroni," he said quietly, and turning his head slightly, he saw a pack of cigarettes that Jet left behind. He reached over for one, feeling Ed lean with him. When he straightened back up in the chair, Ed straightened up with him. "Go make your macaroni, Ed," he said again, getting up from the chair.
"Ed already told you that she's not allowed to."
"Since when do you listen to what anybody tells you?" Spike snapped. He took a long drag from his cigarette. Exhaling, he looked down at Ed through the noxious cloud of smoke. The girl was staring up at him with a wide-eyed, yet blank expression. //What is with her?\\
"Just go and eat something else, will you?"
Ed didn't say anything, but continued to stare up at him. Sighing, Spike left the control room, feeling his own stomach protest in hunger. //Maybe I'll have to make macaroni after all.\\
The galley was empty. There was no macaroni or anything else of substance that Spike could find. //Didn't really feel like eating anyway...\\ He sat himself on a stool, watching Ed discover for herself that there was no macaroni. He then watched her get down on her hands and knees and, with Ein as her accomplice, sniff around the lower cupboard like a dog. The two completely disappeared within the long-empty cupboard.
//Why isn't she with her father?\\ Spike thought suddenly, stubbing his cigarette out in the countertop ashtray. He immediately felt guilty for never thanking her for finding him. He didn't know why the eccentric girl decided to stay with them again. //We don't exactly treat her that great...\\
Ed resurfaced holding a large, rectangular box.
"Pocky!" she shrieked, waiving the box of giant chocolate Pocky sticks Spike had hidden there long before he left. He almost protested, but Ed disappeared again within the cupboards.
//You could be nicer to her, you know.\\ Spike told himself. //It's not like she has a reliable family. Her moron father can't even keep track of her. She needs someone she can look up to, someone who will look after her. Someone who will feed her more than stale giant Pockys for lunch...\\
"No Ein! We have to save some for Spike-Person!"
Spike hung his head in defeat, rubbing his temples. //Your number has come up, Spike Spiegel,\\ he thought, though he didn't feel as miserable as he expected. //First, it's that damn woman, then you pet that damn dog, and now you have sympathy for that damn kid. You are losing your fucking mind.\\
Ed somersaulted out of the cupboards; stopped in front of Spike and held up three giant Pocky sticks.
"Lunch time!"
Spike shook his head at the girl, waiving his hand at the offering.
"No thanks, save them for later."
"But lunch time is NOW."
"You're not eating Pocky for lunch," Spike replied, shrugging nonchalantly. He stood up, making his way back to his room. Ed and Ein followed him, and Spike made no move to stop them. //At least being nice to Ed takes my mind off of Faye...Why doesn't she call?\\
"Where are you going?" Ed demanded, jumping onto Spike's bed while he looked for socks.
"Out," he said, pointing to Ed's feet. "Put some socks on."
"Ed doesn't like socks, and I promised Faye-Faye not to let you out of my sight."
Spike shrugged again, grabbing his blue pants and yellow shirt.
"That's why you're coming with me. Now go put some socks on."
Ed vaulted off the bed in glee and cart wheeled towards Spike's door.
"Can Ein come too?" Ed shouted just before she exited his room, Ein barking after her. Spike rolled his eyes.
"Whatever! Just put your damn socks on!"
When Ed and Ein left, Spike changed into his more socially acceptable outfit and pulled on his shoes. He then pulled out his money cards and checked the balance. He sighed heavily. "You are a poor, pathetic man, my friend." He shrugged yet again, and putting his cards in his pocket, he grabbed his phone before he left the room. //Just in case...\\
Ed was waiting for him outside his room. She had put on both socks and shoes, and had Ein on a leash. She flashed Spike her wild, toothy grin and followed after him. She pulled off her shoes and socks when she thought Spike wasn't looking.
"Where are we going?" Ed reached up and grabbed Spike's arm. She didn't let go. The tone in her voice made Spike think that she really didn't care where they were going. The fact that they were actually 'going' was good enough for her. Spike almost smiled.
"Nowhere special," he replied, "I'm going to buy us some macaroni."
**
Jet arrived a day and a half later, tired, hungry, and downhearted. He didn't know how else he could put it. Faye was gone. She disappeared. She completely evaded Jet and any other individual who was looking for survivors after the shoot out. Or someone else had done it for her...
He found no sign of the other bounty hunter either. Had he pursued her elsewhere?
Sure enough, upon returning to the spot where Faye had left the Red Tail, the vehicle was gone. Jet could only hope that it was Faye who left in it, not someone who suffered from severe anti-social personality disorder.
He tried to call Faye several times, but never got an answer. He let it ring for what seemed forever, until he finally cancelled, a frustration building inside of him.
Call Spike? He couldn't do it. He didn't want to see the look on the younger man's face when he told Spike that Faye was gone, and he didn't know if she was still alive.
Spike had changed. Drastically. It made Jet a little more than uncomfortable to see the emotion that Spike unknowingly allowed to grace his features. Especially around Faye, or even at the mention of her name. It was as if he couldn't decide whether or not he should hate Faye, or love her.
Jet knew that Spike definitely didn't hate the woman, far from it. But could he stop tormenting himself over Julia long enough to get some peace and comfort from a woman who is willing, even if she didn't know it yet herself, to give him more than Julia ever could? Jet didn't know, though both he and Faye knew that while Spike's heart might tell him one thing, his pride and his guilt screamed at him another.
Jet sighed, making his way across the hanger. He wasn't going to tell anybody anything until he had a nap and something to eat.
**
What Jet saw when he entered the living room totally turned his notion of Bebop normalcy upside down. He had planned to make a b-line to his room, not stopping for anybody...but he had to stop and stare at this.
They lay on the living room floor, facing each other stretched out on their stomachs, and propped up by their elbows. A cigarette hung from Spike's lips as he held his cards in front of him, eying Ed suspiciously. Ed held a giant Pocky between her teeth, examining her cards carefully. Ein was curled up in the small of Spike's back, sleeping. Jet saw the phone close by Spike's side. Neither of them saw Jet watching.
"Go fish!" Ed finally cried, and with a miserable look, Spike hung his head.
"I'm beginning to think you don't know how to play this game..."
"Go fish!"
"You don't just say that every time I ask you for a card. Such a little cheater!"
"Go fish!"
Narrowing his eyes and glaring at the girl, Spike snatched up a card from off the floor, and looking at it, he gritted his teeth.
"Next game, we are playing Crazy Eights," he muttered, adding the card to his hand.
Jet was speechless. He didn't know how to respond to seeing Spike, who could normally stand neither Ed nor Ein, actually spending 'quality time' with his crewmates. He suddenly felt the need to laugh.
Ein lifted his head then, sleepy eyes taking a moment to analyze Jet. He then barked a greeting, alerting Spike and Ed to Jet's presence. Jet silently cursed the mutt for making him face Spike before he was good and ready.
"Jet-Person's back!" Ed sang, throwing her cards into the air. Ein leapt off of Spike's back to chase them.
And Spike's face, looking up at Jet, cigarette still between his lips, was read like an open book. Relief first, upon seeing the older man, but the absence of Faye caused disappointment, worry, anger, and worst of all, grief, to wash over his face, one after the other, until only a stony expression was left. But Jet did not miss the unasked question that practically raged from Spike's eyes.
Jet shook his head. He made to leave for his room.
"So what are you telling me?" Spike said quietly, causing Jet to stop, but not turn around.
"I don't know," Jet replied. "She's gone. Her Red Tail's gone. I can only assume that she's alive and still running."
"Did you call her?"
"Several times," Jet said with a sigh, scratching the top of his head. "Did you?"
Spike didn't answer, and Jet continued to his room.
"Damn that woman," he muttered when he reached his room, closing the door behind him.
**
Spike sat alone on the edge of the Bebop deck, turning the phone over in his hands. It was a warm night, and Spike loosened his tie before retrieving a cigarette. It had been three days since Jet returned, and Faye still hadn't called. Jet tried to reach her several times a day, but Faye never answered. Spike was beginning to think she would never come back.
"Busy woman," he muttered, placing the phone beside him as he tried to light his cigarette.
He and Jet had let Ed sleep in Faye's bed while she was away. There was no sense in letting the girl curl up on the cold floor when there was a vacant bed available. They just had to wait for Ed to fall asleep somewhere before one of them carried her to Faye's bed. Spike had tucked Ed in that night, or rather, plunked her on the mattress and tossed a blanket over her. He then scooped Ein up and tossed him on the bed as well. //Serves that woman right,\\ he thought bitterly, //if she comes back to find her stuff covered in dog hair. Divine retribution, as Jet says.\\
The sound of a familiar engine could be heard at some distance, and as if to confirm his hope, Spike received an incoming call. He picked up the phone again, and let it beep several times before he activated it.
Faye's angry face stared back at him.
"I'm coming in. Can you open the hanger?"
"It's open," he replied simply, staring at her face. She looked unhurt. Angry, but unhurt. Faye cut the connection, and Spike felt a wave of relief wash over him as he stood, looking up to see her Red Tail approaching.
He had to force himself to walk to the hanger after she had maneuvered her vehicle inside. He closed the hanger door after him, watching Faye open the latch to the Red Tail and climb out. She seemed so angry, and she totally ignored Spike as she stomped towards the door leading into the Bebop. Spike had to call after her to make her stop.
"Hey!" He shouted, quickening his pace to catch up. "Faye!"
"What?" she snapped, not bothering to hide the irritation in her voice. When she turned around, Spike could see the slightly faded remains of what had been an angry bruise on her neck.
"What happened to you?" he asked quietly, stepping towards her.
"Nothing," she replied, stomping off again. Spike felt anger flare up inside of him, and he moved after her. //What is her problem?\\
"Hey!" he shouted again, "Where the hell have you been?"
"None of your business," she shot back, but Spike caught up to her and yanked on her arm, forcing her to turn around. "Let go!"
"No! It is my business. Do you have any idea what you put Jet through? Why weren't you where you told him you'd be?"
Faye's face darkened. //Put Jet through?\\ she thought bitterly. //After all that hell, and I only have Jet to answer for? Thanks for your concern, Spike. You asshole!\\
"I was trying to save my life!" Faye snarled at him, tearing her arm from his grasp. "That psychopath was so pissed off at me for 'encroaching on his bounty', that he fucking chased me halfway across the solar system just so he could strangle me to death. Excuse me for not making it back in time for tea!"
"You could have called!" Spike stopped, shook his head and gave a bitter laugh. "No, you could have fucking ANSWERED our calls! Why would you be so inconsiderate?"
"What the hell are you trying?" Faye glared at him, voice dangerously low. "For someone who comes and goes as he pleases, regardless of how it makes other people feel, you sure are one to talk about consideration!"
Spike moved forward again, but Faye shoved him back violently with both hands.
"Where was my phone call?" she shouted at him. "Where were my fucking phone calls all those times I sat waiting for you to return? Don't give me that look!" she spat when Spike rolled his eyes. "Because now you know how it feels."
"What is wrong with you? Are you trying to tell me that you didn't call for the express reason of paying me back?" Spike shook his head in disbelief. "That's really great, Faye. Top notch. I give you full marks for immaturity -"
She struck him hard, allowing the palm of her hand to make full contact with his face. It shocked him out of his line of thought, and he found that he couldn't look at her anymore.
"Fuck you," she breathed, stepping away from him. "I never said I didn't want to call you. I never said I didn't want to answer your calls, or that I was paying you back. You have no idea..." Her voice trailed off, and without warning, she spun around and left Spike standing by himself in the hanger, hand on his stinging face.
He made no move to follow her. What would he do? What would he say to her? He already regretted his words. He didn't want to start a shouting match; he didn't want to make her angry with him. What had happened to her to make her so angry in the first place? What had that bounty hunter done to her to make her turn on him like that?
He really didn't have any idea.
**
He had to choose.
Again, like so many nights before, Spike found himself a bystander. He looked on as Faye and Julia faced each other, ready to strike the other down.
But this night was different. Spike couldn't wake himself up. He couldn't pull himself away as both woman turned to face him, haunted eyes piercing him as they kept their weapons leveled at one another.
As he watched their mouths open in unison, he felt his own mouth turn to ash. //Wake up...\\
"Choose."
It came out as a single voice, though they said it at the same time. Their faces were emotionless, but the voice was anguished, echoing in his mind like a persistent scream. He tried to swallow, but couldn't, a hitch in his throat making it difficult to breathe. All he could do was stare from one woman to the other.
Faye's eyes rested directly, intently, on his. Behind the haunted curtain of her gaze was a fierce, determined look.
Spike couldn't understand why Julia's gaze, while at first resting directly on him, seemed to pass through and focus on something beyond. Her face took on a distant, saddened look that pained him. He couldn't help but reach out to her, try to get her to look AT him...
"Julia."
He stepped back in shock as Julia's eyes suddenly flashed into focus. Without turning to look at Faye, Julia moved her arm in a single, violent sweep.
And everything slowed.
Spike could hear the ring of the blade as the sword cut through the air. //Was that my choice?\\ He could hear Faye cry out as the sword passed through her. He could hear his gun hit the ground, her hand no longer able to hold it. //That wasn't my choice!\\ his mind screamed as he tried to rush forward, attempting to catch Faye before she fell.
He could hear her body crumble.
**
His dream had scared him so much that he found himself leaping from his bed and running for the door. He had awoken with a strangled cry, covered in a cold sweat. For a moment, he could barely discern between the reality of his bedroom, and the horror of his dream. He wasn't even sure if he hadn't just imagined Faye's return that evening, or if it had been part of his dream. Before he could reason with himself, he was heading for her room. He had to be sure.
He nearly knocked her down. The moment his door opened, he made to rush forward, unable to see the pajama clad woman standing in his way. Faye made a startled noise and Spike grabbed hold of her to steady himself. He just stared down at her, as if he still couldn't decide whether she was real or imagined.
The look in his eyes frightened her, and she tried stepped back.
"Are you awake?"
As if her words were the deciding factor, Spike let go of her and rubbed his eyes in relief, trying to steady his breathing. He didn't reply.
They stared at each other for some time, and Spike was almost afraid to say anything lest she was still angry with him. He noted that she didn't look angry. In fact, he could tell that she had been crying, but he wasn't about to take his analysis to heart. His eyes were still heavy with fatigue.
Without thinking, he reached out and touched the bruise on her neck. Faye started to shy away, but stopped when Spike raised his hand to cup her face. She refused to look at him then, and Spike saw that she almost looked ashamed. When she started to cry, he pulled her against him.
He continued to not think as he pulled away from her slightly, raising her chin with one hand and wiping her tears gently with his thumb.
"I couldn't sleep," Faye whispered. "Not until I -" she practically choked on the next words, her pride, as always, interfering with her apology. Spike didn't let her finish. Without thinking of the consequences of his actions, he kissed her. Faye held herself rigidly against him for a moment, unable to respond. She had not expected him to act like this. She had not expected him to forgive her so easily for her cruel behaviour. She wondered again if he was actually awake.
Dejected, Spike pulled away. Braving a glance at Faye, he saw her surprised look and interpreted that he had crossed the line. He released her completely, running a hand through his hair in embarrassment.
"Sorry," he mumbled, "wasn't thinking." He turned away from her, expecting her to stomp back to her room. He walked to his own bed, and with a disheartened sigh, climbed back in.
It took him several moments before he realized that his door was still open. He didn't feel like getting up to close it. He didn't think it would matter anyway. He wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so the light flooding in wouldn't bother him. He pulled his sheets up around his shoulders and stared at the wall.
When his door did close, he looked over in surprise to see Faye walking hesitantly towards his bed. She wrung her hands and bit her lip, unable to meet his eyes. Spike stared at her patiently, though he felt his heart quicken its pace again. He felt panic well up inside of him, suddenly not sure if everything was all right. If everything he was thinking and feeling was right.
"I had the worst dream," he muttered, not at all sure of why he was telling her.
"So did I," she whispered in reply, reaching one hand up to brush hair from her eyes. She looked down at her feet.
"You died." He hadn't wanted to tell her that, but he couldn't stop himself. He watched as her eyes widened and she finally met his gaze.
"I know." She took a step closer to his bed and sat on the edge. Spike sat up himself, pushing the sheets back. "You kill me every night," she said with a slight, humourless laugh, turning her back to him.
"Faye..." he started, reaching out to touch her back. She made no move to avoid him, and when she felt his hand on her, she turned and gave him a slight smile. It wasn't happy.
"I don't want to be alone," she said, and she let Spike pull her towards him, so that she was leaning against him. "Maybe, if I'm here, the dreams will stop. I won't have to think, I won't have to pretend that I'm really not alone."
He didn't know what to say. He had no words of comfort to offer her. Instead, he just lay back, pulling her gently with him. He had no idea what he was doing, what he was going to do.
He held her close while she slept, never finding rest himself. He was no longer sure if it was simple guilt that held him back. Panic seemed to be fighting for a place inside of him. He could no longer imagine life without Faye, and it scared him. Unlike Julia, she had been stable, she had been there for him, and when she disappeared, he felt empty. //What would you do if anything happened to her?\\
For the first time, he realized that he was afraid of loving Faye.
**
And that's the end of that chapter. Whew. As always, I'm sorry for any errors I missed. Will update by the end of next week.