"The first stunt is..." Joe Rogan trailed off as a drumroll filled the building.
A large plastic sheet was pulled to the side of the stage. A large swimming pool emerged. Swinging back and forth above the water, a long pendulum with a tiny platform drew gasps from the audience.
"That's right!" Joe said with mock-graveness in his voice. "Our contestants have to stand on this pendulum as it swings faster and faster until they fall into the pool. The contestant who can hang on the longest wins."
"Mere human," roared Gandalf, "Do not try to imitate me!" Joe was lifted upwards until he touched the ceiling, then free-fell down to the pool. A huge splash drenched the crowd.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Gandalf said cheerily to the crowd. Suddenly the audience was completely dry, thanks to a certain magical staff. Joe, however, had not fared as well. Floating in the pool, a tech member had to fish him out- all on national TV.
"Our host is out for this episode," continued Gandalf. "So I will be taking his place."
"Can we get on with the stunt?" asked Legolas.
"The order in which you compete has been randomly selected," Gandalf said.
"Gimli-" gasped Joe from the side of the pool. "You are *hack* lucky number *cough* one." Then he fell into unconsciousness.
"Cover your eyes," advised Legolas to the audience. Gimli went behind a screen beside the pool to change. His shadow was highly visible. Another tech crew member handed him his swimsuit.
"What's this?" he asked.
"It's your swimsuit, sir. You must wear it to compete in the stunt."
"This is a shrunken piece of orc's hide!" Gimli raged. "I would rather wear all of my axes and armor!"
"I apologize," said the tech crew member, his trembling audible in his voice.
"This would only cover the rear end of a skinny elf such as LEGOLAS!" he fumed. The Legolas fangirls gasped in unison. All of the audience's heads whipped towards Legolas for his reaction. Instead, Aragorn leapt out of his seat.
"This is no mere skinny elf! This Legolas Greenleaf, son of-" He turned and whispered to Legolas.
"What's your father's name?" he hissed, unaware that the whole audience could hear him.
What Legolas replied was unpronouncable for any human, and most elves.
"This is Legolas Greenleaf, son of Shmegolas," continued Aragorn in a bout of improvisation. "You owe him your allegiance!"
"Shmegolas?!" raged Legolas. "What causes you to speak such trash signature of weak humans?"
"I am sorry," said Aragorn, suddenly solemn. "I had a debt to repay you since you defended me in Elrond's 'secret' meeting." Suddenly all heads turned to Merry, Pippin, and Sam.
"Secret meeting?" asked Pippin
'Twas no secret meeting!" chimed in Merry.
"Aye, 'twas a secret meeting," objected Sam. "Only the invited and their gardener were allowed entrance."
Suddenly a voice from the audience shouted above all others, "The hobbits do not speak the truth. It was a secret meeting, only for the invited." It was Elrond.
"Only for the invited, not for their gardeners," piped up Pippin. "You were wrong!"
"Getting on with the stunt," said Gandalf knowingly. All eyes were trying to avoid Gimli as he trudged out from behind the screen in a pink Speedo, hairy body and all. Several people screamed, including Frodo. His eyes went light, light blue and rolled back, his skin paled, and he did his signature "Oh-No-Dark-Evil-Is-Near" look.
"Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, concerned.
"My ancestors are turning in their graves!" roared Gimli above the screams and laughter.
"They're not the only ones," muttered Legolas.
"Only the thought of remaining loyal to the Fellowship drives me on," continued Gimli.
"Are you ready, Gimli?" asked Gandalf.
Gimli nodded. He strapped into a harness and was lifted onto the tiny platform with only a thin, flimsy string to hold on to.
"This platform is smaller than me feet!" he shouted. "Surely I can use some adhesives?"
"That's what hairy feet are for," said Bilbo from the audience. "You'd think the abundance of hair everywhere else on your body would-"
"On with the stunt!" bellowed Gandalf. The pendulum began to swing slowly. The audience was silent, one part due to the fact that half were in shock and the other half were not yet ready for words.
"I'm hangin' on," said Gimli proudly. The clock was thankfully not ticking, but projected onto a large screen hanging from the ceiling.
"Five seconds," announced Gandalf. The pendulum began to swing faster. Gimli began to look pale underneath the mass of hair crowding his face. Finally, Gimli's feet slipped and he landed with a large splash that once again drenched the audience, who were once again perfectly clean after the use of Gandalf's staff.
"Congratulations," said Gandalf to a wet, shivering, and humiliated Gimli. "Twelve seconds. You are currently place!"
"Yaaahhh!" roared Gimli. "First place! This is one Dwarf who won't be bested by tiny Halflings, a skinny elf, and a weak human."
"Not yet," said Gandalf. "Aragorn is next."
"Our eyes could use some comforting after seeing that fat hairy Dwarf in a pink Speedo," said the Aragorn fangirl with the large foam finger. Gimli glared at her.
Aragorn stepped behind the screen and the tech crewman handed him a swim shorts with "Aragorn, Son of Shmaragorn" printed all over them in large letters.
"What's this?" puzzled Aragorn.
"It's your swimsuit, sir. You must wear it to compete the stunt," replied the crewman.
"Is that all you know how to say?" asked Aragorn, in a bad mood.
"I apologize," he said. "To tell you the truth, sir, we had a different swimsuit prepared for you. However, this one is courtesy of Legolas Greenleaf, Son of Shmegolas, who was so kind to offer this for you."
"Can I see the other swimsuit?" demanded Aragorn, not really asking.
The crewman scurried backstage and returned with a purple-flower patterned Speedo almost identical to Gimli's. "Here it is, sir," he said, his head bobbing furiously.
Aragorn snatched the "Shmaragorn" shorts from the man's hands and went behind the screen. As he dropped his pants behind the screen, all the Fangirls screamed. Camera flashes temporarily blinded the contestants.
"Now what?" grumbled Aragorn, hiking the shorts up as high as they would go.
"Sir, your shadow is highly visible to the audience," the man said, as matter-of-factly as he could manage.
"Oh," replied Aragorn as he tugged the shorts down a bit. He emerged from the screen, and the screaming got, if possible, much louder. It was true, he looked very handsome with his rugged face and toned chest muscles.
"Aaaah," a girl holding up a sign saying "Aragorn's #1 Fan" sighed happily. "I live for moments like this."
Aragorn strode confidently towards the harness area. He was buckled in and dropped onto the platform.
"Ready?" asked Gandalf.
Aragorn smiled at the crowd and said with all his enthusiasm, "Yes!" The pendulum began to swing back and forth.
"Ten seconds!" called out Gandalf.
"It's been ten seconds already?" asked Aragorn. The pendulum swung faster and faster.
"Whoooaaaa!!" Aragorn was clinging to the string as the pendulum jerked him forward and backward. Finally, he let go and landed clumsily in the pool below. He surfaced quickly and floated to the side, which was a hidden talent of his. The crowd cheered; he acknowledged them with a wave of his dripping hand.
"3 minutes and 19 seconds," declared Gandalf. Aragorn accepted a "Shmaragorn" print towel from the crewman and toweled himself off. More pictures were taken.
"Pippin, it's your turn," said Gandalf. Pippin looked suddenly pale as he was put onto the platform. The platform began to swing very, very, very, slowly.
"WhoooAAAA!!" Pippin shouted.
"Augh, come on," scorned Merry. "You're just making a show of it."
"Alright," muttered Pippin, and he shut up. The pendulum went from swaying very, very, very slowly to swaying very, very slowy. Pippin lost his balance and landed in the pool.
"Seven seconds!" Gandalf looked shocked for a moment, then recovered. "I am surprised you stayed on that long, young Hobbit." Pippin smiled proudly.