PART XI
Quand tu veux. / When you want.


Several state maps were spread on the floor and bed of their latest hideout. Buffy sat on the floor pouring over the Nevada map while she ate leftover cashew chicken. Angel was examining Oregon.

"I've never been to Vegas," she said between mouthfuls. "Is it really glittery and bright with tons of casinos and slot machines and half-naked show girls? And just forget I mentioned that last part."

Angel flashed her a wicked grin. He sat opposite her drinking a glass of blood. "I guess. Didn't really pay a whole lot of attention the last time I was there." He wrinkled his nose at the pungent scent of onion.

Buffy stopped eating. "When were you in Vegas? Why were you in Vegas?"

He pretended he hadn't heard either question. She flicked a fortune cookie at him.

"Oh c'mon. Tell me. What? Were you a hit man for the mob? Ooooo. Did you meet Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin and that other guy? Wasn't Vegas built by the mob?" Buffy dug through her food for another chunk of chicken. She snagged a piece with her chopsticks. Angel neatly refolded the Oregon map and watched Buffy eat. Most of the henna had washed out of hair, but it still looked brassy instead of golden.

Buffy's attention was caught by a sidebar entitled 'Vegas Fun Facts.' She waved her chopsticks in the air as she read aloud. "Did you know they have more Elvis impersonators than any other city in America? Oh, and they have 24-hour wedding chapels there. Geez, they'll marry anybody in Vegas." She found the last piece of chicken and plopped it in her mouth. Angel unfolded the Washington map and spread it on the floor.

"Hey, do you think they'd marry an ex-Slayer and a really old vampire?" Buffy joked.

"We're already married."

*****

Buffy thought she was going to choke. She grabbed the iced tea and hurriedly drank the rest of the bottle. "Excuse me. What did you say?"

Angel looked embarrassed. More like a deer in headlights. "I said, 'We're already married.'" Buffy still stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. "You probably want me to explain that."

She rolled her eyes. "No, I figure you married a different Vampire Slayer because hello? I think I would remember a wedding." She waited for an explanation anyway. Angel continued to stare at the map in front of him. "Okay. When did we get married?" And where was I?

"That night." Which night, Angel? His half-smile softened the blow, but his eyes filmed with tears. Oh. That night. "When you took the ring and we…"

Buffy held up a hand to stop him. "Don't." She needed to think. "We're married?" Angel nodded. "You're sure?" He nodded again. "But… I don't remember saying 'I do'." Or you asking me, for that matter.

"Old Irish custom."

"What, you Irish don't ask first? Polite people ask, 'Do you want to get married?' Other polite people say yes or no."

"Are you saying I'm not polite?" Nice non-answer, Angel.

Buffy reached across the map and touched his cheek. "You are very polite. Usually you're the epitome of polite and I'm the country bumpkin."

"But…" Angel closed his eyes so he wouldn't see the rejection in hers.

"No buts, I promise. Well, one. Two, now that I think about it. First, it's not legal. Second, Angel, why didn't you tell me?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is tonight's jackpot question.

*****

Why hadn't he told her? Angel wasn't sure himself. When should I have said 'Oh, by the way, we're married'? Before I killed Jenny Calendar, or after? Maybe while I was cutting pieces out of Giles? When in the last eight weeks was I supposed to tell you? "There wasn't ever a good time to say something," he mumbled. It was a hopelessly inadequate excuse.

Buffy stood and glared at him. "You mean to tell me that absolutely no point in the last six months was a good time to say I'm your wife? I could understand Angelus not wanting to own up to that. But I don't get why you wouldn't say anything. I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted to be with me. Or was that just a ploy to testdrive your curse? God, Angel, if I hadn't brought it up, would you have even told me?" She paced the length of the room.

"Yes." When I could do it properly. When we weren't running for our lives. When you knew enough about life to make an informed decision. "You're right, it's not legal. But among my people, the exchange of rings and consummation makes it real." Angel stood too, but he made no move towards her.

"So you give me a ring, sleep with me, and what? Suddenly I'm your wife? What happened to asking me if I wanted this? But no. You never ask me what I want. You just decide for both of us. Where we live, how much money we have, what we do next. YOU NEVER ASK ME."

Buffy grabbed her purse and opened the entry door. She was stifling; she needed to get out. Angel violently jerked her back into the room. She landed on the floor. "NO. You DO NOT get to run away this time." He slammed the door shut and leaned against it with his arms crossed. "You want to fight? Then we go all the way. NO backing down. NO running away."

She stood and pushed her sleeves up. "Fine. It's about time you got another ass-kicking." Buffy shifted into a defensive posture; Angel did not move.

"You want to beat me to a pulp again? Go right ahead. I won't stop you. But you and I are still going to have this argument. You want to be treated like an adult, then act like one. Adults talk about their differences and problems honestly and openly. They DON'T beat each other up and they DON'T run away."

*****

Buffy threw up her hands in disgust. "Honesty? What do you know about honesty? When have you ever given me a straight answer? With you, everything is in code. You leave whole chunks out. But you expect me to be honest with you."

Angel rolled his eyes. "Honesty is not the same thing as telling every little detail. When have I lied to you? Truth may be black and white. But honesty comes in shades of grey. What do you want to know? Ask me. I'll tell you the truth. Question is, can you handle the truth?"

Several minutes passed in silence. "What? No burning questions? Nothing you want to know? Let me help you out. Did I screw Drusilla? Yes, before I got my soul and after I lost it. Did I like it? Nothing to write home about. She's a little mental for my taste. I like my women warm-blooded. Anything else?" Angel winced inwardly as tears glazed Buffy's eyes.

"Why are you doing this?" she pleaded.

"Why not? Isn't this what you want?"

"What I want? What I WANT? You have no clue what I want." Buffy could feel the tears building behind the pain.

"Gee, Buffy, why is that? Let me think. First you want a normal life, then you want a freaky boyfriend. You get me, I lose my soul, so you try to kill me. I get my soul back, and you STILL try to kill me. I follow you to LA and you string me along for weeks with your touch me/don't touch me attitude. You talk to Willow who says you can have what you want, and what do you do? You throw me out of your life. You let me back in. We get back together. As soon as we hit a pothole, you're making plans to run. I don't think you know what you want." Angel's frustration had been building for weeks.

Is that what happened? Buffy was momentarily thrown by his summary. "What? I was supposed to let Angelus run around loose? Tell me how many friends should have died. Or maybe we'd all be better off in Hell."

"No. You were supposed to do your job and kill me. And I'm not arguing about that. Being the Slayer is tough. But you didn't kill me – I'm assuming because I got my soul back. You told me you loved me, and then you cut me in half. And instead of sticking around and dealing with the consequences, you took off. You didn't tell anyone where you were going. You just ran away." Angel didn't know why she left. It scared him to see her so dislocated from reality. Part of him was afraid that he was the reason.

Buffy brushed the tears away from her cheeks. "I DID deal with the consequences. We made love. Your soul disappeared in a moment of happiness, but I'm the one who lived the nightmare that came after. And none of this has anything to do with the fact that you didn't tell me we were MARRIED!"

Angel sagged against the door. "I was going to ask you the next morning. But the next morning I was Angelus. And after that… you haven't wanted to deal with the last six months. If I try and bring it up, you shut me out. Or you run. Or both."

"I don't… I can't." Buffy stumbled over the emotions that threatened to pour out of her mouth.

"You can't what?" Angel's soft voice washed over her. I can't lose you again, Angel. I can't kill someone I love. He slowly walked towards her. "What can't you do?"

She sank to the floor, hugged her knees, and began to rock. "I'm scared, Angel. I'm so scared."

"Of what?" He crouched before her and waited. She had pushed these feelings and experiences so deep into her psyche, he worried that she would never be able to deal with them.

"You hurt me SO MUCH!" she sobbed. "I just wanted to die. And then … then you started your psycho act. I was your obsession, and everyone who knew me was in danger. I DID THAT. I SET ANGELUS FREE. I blamed Miss Calendar and I blamed you. But it was really ME.. When you killed her, Giles… the way he looked at me. He blamed me." Buffy stopped rocking and stared at a spot on the floor. "He never said it, but he blamed me because I didn't kill you at the mall when I had the chance. But I couldn't. And when Willow got hurt, Xander said… When he dragged Giles out of that room, he looked at me with so much hatred. Kendra died because I was so sure I could kill Angelus by myself. And my mom, she thought I was being rebellious, that I was defying her. I tried to explain and she wouldn't listen."

Buffy lay on the floor. "That day, the day I went to kill you… she told me if I left the house, don't ever come back. I had to leave. I had to stop you. I had to stop Acathla. It was the end of the world, and my mother told me to never come home again." Buffy's despairing sobs ripped at Angel's heart.

When she quieted, she continued. "Whistler said once you opened the portal to Hell, only you could close it. I didn't understand until I saw you pull the sword out. And then you were you again." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And we were going to Hell. So I … I … I …"

"You told me to close my eyes. Then you sliced me open…" Angel could still feel the pain of that betrayal.

"Then I threw the sword into Acathla's mouth. The door to Hell was closed. The world was saved. You had your soul. And I had nothing left to lose." Except myself.

*****

Angel set a cup of tea in front of Buffy. She wrapped her hands around the hot cup and held it close to her chest as if she were trying to steal its warmth. Angel sat on the other side of the table and considered how to ask his next question.

"So why did you leave me bleeding on the mansion floor?"

Buffy flinched. Guess I could have phrased that better. "I felt like everyone was disappointed in me: my mom, my friends, Giles. The one person who wasn't, who loved me unconditionally, was you, Angel. But, I thought I could never have you. When you were Angelus, it was easier to accept that you were gone too. But, when you got your soul back, I realized that it was never gonna be the same between us. I loved you so much, and I would never be able to share that love with you like I wanted to. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be a daughter, a student, a friend, a Slayer, a lover. I couldn't. So I left."

The ex-Slayer huddled beneath her blanket and sipped her tea. After a long moment of silence, she said, "Can I ask you something?"

Angel smiled at her. "Anything. I'll even tell you the truth." Buffy did not smile in return.

"Why did you come after me?"

"That's easy. I love you." She scowled at him. "Really. That's why." The scowl deepened. She wanted more explication. "You were crying when you ran out of the mansion. When I finally got off the floor, and realized what fun Angelus had been up to, I had to see you. I needed to talk to you, tell you how sorry I was for the things I'd done, beg for your forgiveness But you were gone. I did some eavesdropping and guessed that you'd runaway. I didn't know what you were feeling. I didn't know if you ever wanted to see me again after what I'd done. But I figured I could at least watch out for you."

"Besides," Angel added as he touched her claddagh ring, "I wasn't going to abandon you or give you up without a fight."

"I think we just did the fight." Buffy rolled her neck and massaged her shoulders. "And look, we're still alive. Well one of us is and one of us is dead. But we started out that way so nothing's really changed there." She stood and took the empty cup to the sink.

*****

Buffy filled the sink with soapy water. She liked this domestic chore. It was a chance to think without appearing to think. They had talked about a lot of things tonight. They had said some hurtful things too. Now, she needed to think about it. Angel's hands covered hers in the soapy water. Where did he come from?

"I'm suddenly in severe need of a drink," he announced. "And not the kind with blood. If I go out, will you be here when I get return?" He even sounds nervous.

Buffy stepped back into his embrace. "Yes, I'll be here." He looked relieved. "What if I'd said no?"

Angel kissed the crown of her head. "I would have been in severe need of a lot of drink. Can I get you anything? Non-alcoholic I mean."

She frowned. "I'm not a child, Angel. Please don't treat me like one." She felt his body tense. "I'm not starting round two, I just… it's my life too. Let me make some of the decisions. I'm not always going to make the right one, but they'll be mine." And my recent experience in hair colouring is a perfect example.

He relaxed a little. "I'm sorry. You're right. I have been deciding for you. I thought it was best. And in some ways, you still are a child. Hey," he could see her protest forming, "how old am I? You're always gonna be younger than me. I know you're the Slayer. I know that you can beat me in any fight. There's never been a Slayer like you. But in some respects, you are still a child."

Angel tilted his head and chuckled as he saw the pout. "Buffy, you are still incredibly naïve about men. And you're still trying to figure out who you are. Which is one reason why the last six months have been so hard. It's part of growing up."

Buffy rinsed off the dishes and stacked them neatly in the dish rack. Angel's hands rested on her hips. "So you're saying what exactly?"

He caught the playful tone of her voice. "I'm saying," he whispered in her ear, "that you're not old enough to legally drink." Angel kissed her cheek. "I won't be long."

Just before he closed the door, he heard Buffy say, "About the men part, does that mean I should be shopping around, maybe keeping my options open? Cause I noticed this hottie at the store the other day…" Her giggle was drowned out by Angel's growl.