Blame it on the Kare Kano wallpaper I made while listening to the remix of Yume No Naka E. It's all its fault! Anyway, this is a tribute to Arima, one of my favorite characters in all anime. This starts at the very beginning of Kare Kano. (Actually just a bit before the series starts.) ^_^ I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kare Kano.
Warnings: Angst. Sad. Dark. (It's Arima in a nutshell!) Also, I don't exactly remember how certain conversations went but do remember the gist of them so if they are a little off I'm sorry for not memorizing the subtitles on my episodes of Kare Kano.
Josephine
"I feel pretty good, I feel alright,"
The familiar weight on my back, I made my way to school. The same routine everyday. My homework was carefully organized and finished, ready to be turned in even though most of the assignments had been given out yesterday and weren't due for a week. It didn't bother me now. Not anymore. It used to.
I think that maybe once kids stop making fun of you for being the top student, they begin to respect you. Look up to you. Funny, they are still the same people who made fun of you and knocked your papers out of your hands. I couldn't fight back because I knew that if I did, I was proving them all right.
And since my life was based on proving them wrong, I learned to endure. It's funny how the people that you despise end up controlling everything that you do. What they like is exactly what you hate, and vice versa. The only thing we did meet on equal terms was hate.
Maybe my hate was different. Underneath the loathing I could feel a sadness rising up. It made me sad to think that I would never be one of those kids who gripped about huge family Christmases but secretly loved them. I knew I'd never be one of those kids who hate going to any family gatherings because all the adults would pinch their cheeks and tell them how much they've grown.
Sometimes they would comment on how much I've grown. How much more sulky I had grown, how much more defiant and nasty. I did nothing unkind to them and still they translated every gesture, every word into some twisted beast. And for that, I felt as though I was allowed to hate them. So I did.
"And I've been thinking maybe I could spend the night,"
If you asked anyone though, they'd probably tell you that I had a picture perfect family. No one had really inquired about my parents, so everyone just assumed I had them. My aunt and uncle showed up for award ceremonies and the like, most just nodded and thought they were a responsible couple who had waited a long time to have a child. Of course no one knew their ages to make the necessary calculations.
All the kids assumed the best about me now. I was the nicest, the smartest, the strongest, the funniest, etc. Never had I been dubbed the worst at anything. People actually wanted to be me. I had to laugh at this. The others supposed it was because I was so modest. Really I was laughing because in a very morbid sense, it was funny. One kid informed me that I had a perfect life.
Perfect? Yeah, all I'm missing is a damn dog…
Doesn't he know that I would die to be able to be someone like him?
I daydreamed about normal life. Just being a normal kid with normal parents and being able to do things on the same level as everyone else. Who needed perfection? Who needed expectations? Now that sounded nice. No expectations. No constantly beating myself up over every little detail. None of that. I looked over at my other classmates. I hadn't been noticed yet, when I was, I'd be swarmed.
My eyes settled on another person. The person was surrounded by people and they were like subjects addressing their leader. Always praising the person. I had to admire the person. I had to want to be that person.
There was something about Miyazawa Yukino that no one could resist.
"I know you've been sad, I know I've been bad,"
Perhaps it was because she was simply so perfect at everything. It wasn't like my perfection, forced and worked for. It was real. Anyone that came near her was affected by her presence. Even I was. I watched her as though she were a bird soaring through the sky, longingly because I could never reach it.
From her school uniform which was stylishly worn and for some reason always looked neater and cleaner then anybody else's to her orange hair that glowed in the sunlight, anyone could plainly see that she gorgeous.
Her eyes flickered towards me and my breath caught as I thought she would say something. She didn't, just turned right back to the people around her. I tried to justify my reaction by telling myself that she was pretty and the same thing would happen with other girls I found attractive.
The problem was, I didn't think other girls were attractive. Just Yukino.
So I tried to ignore this weird feeling because I didn't understand it. Every time I had a feeling I didn't understand, I would try to squash it, lest it be some part of my father welling up inside of me. But nothing would let me stop thinking about her, not even my own mind. Other friends crowded around me and I put on my daily charade of happiness. Happiness, I wonder what that's like?
Is it warm? That's the way it's always described. You can read descriptions of things all day long but it doesn't replace actually feeling the emotion. Did it hurt? I've seen people be so happy they cried. Funny, tears usually meant sadness. I had seen so many tears but never did any of them mean anything but my usual well of depression. How many nights had I sat there and quietly soaked my pillows? Every night. I bet you think it's sad that I've never felt happy before. Is it though? You can't really miss something that isn't there can you?
I never realized how much my life was about to change until much later.
"And if you'd let me, I'll make you ribbons from a paper bag,"
Every day a new letter or a new girl to send her friend (The brave ones actually came themselves) to ask me that agonizingly painful question. What's the best way to turn away someone's feelings? I may try to be cheerful, tell them all sorts of lame excuses, but that look is one you never forget. The moment after I reject them, their eyes show how crushed they are. Crushed? Why? Don't they realize that everything that they think know about me is a lie? I'm a lie. That's all that I am. Deep down all of those relatives are right and I'm this terrible, horrible person. What kind of person causes that terrible look without flinching?
So when I found the letter today, I sighed loudly. Meet them by the cherry trees. I rehearsed carefully in my head what I was going to say. It was funny how I did everything so well. Even hurt people.
Look, you're a very nice person but I'm very busy with my schoolwork, I don't really have time for a girlfriend. You should find someone who can give you the sort of attention you deserve.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed someone watching me. I turned casually and my eyes locked with Yukino's. She had a carefully arranged expression as she turned back to her things. Had she seen the letter? Part of me was bothered terribly by the thought. Did it really make a difference? I watched her think carefully as she answered questions. Sometimes I think I could watch her all day. The way that she smoothes her skirt every now and then, even though it never had any wrinkles in it. The way she would tap her pen thoughtfully as she contemplated what to write. It was strange.
After school I trudged down to the cherry trees. They were really beautiful, one time I fell asleep and was late for class. All because the cherry blossoms made me feel at peace. That's when I saw the person, standing against one of the cherry trees, waiting. Taking a deep breath, I approached them.
They turned towards me, sensing my presence. My mouth went dry as my eyes widened in shock.
It was Yukino.
Yukino sent the letter…
Yukino wants to…
I…I didn't know it would be her…
All thought processes had completely evaporated, I just stood there staring at her, the cherry blossoms floating in the wind passing by but I didn't even blink. If I did she would disappear.
I finally found my voice but I was interrupted before I could say one word to her.
"Sorry I'm late." A girl's voice came from my right. I turned towards her, a sinking feeling coming over me. Who cared about this girl? I wanted to tell Yukino…I wanted to tell her something. Reality sank in after a few moments.
Of course it wasn't Yukino, that's stupid to think she'd ever think of me that way.
Why do I feel like this? I feel…sad.
"Oh, I didn't know you two were meeting here." Yukino gracefully began to leave. "I was just watching the cherry blossoms." With those words she walked away. I stared after her.
Don't…don't leave…
"Josephine, you're so good to me,"
It was like three hundred tons slamming into me at once. The wind was knocked out of me or maybe my lungs forgot how to work properly. So did my brain. I must have been really idiotic looking with my eyes locked on her, my mouth hanging open in disbelief.
I knew what was wrong. I suddenly realized why I felt strange around Yukino, why I was sad that she had left when I thought it was her. The world clicked into place for one of the few times in my life.
I'm in love with her.
I'd never been in love before, I had no idea how I knew that I was, I just did. Let me see if I can describe this feeling that comes when you first realize that you have just fallen in love with someone. It felt like I was melting and immediately the day felt two times warmer then it actually was. A surge of excitement and an urge to run right after Yukino, fall at her feet and let her take care of me forever washed over me.
Did I tell you that I hate the moment after?
"And I know it ain't easy,"
The moment that all my negative thoughts kicked in, I felt as though the world had just ended. So I was in love? Did I actually expect anyone to love me in return? Who I really was? I looked at the drab looking girl looking at me eagerly. I quickly gave her my rehearsed speech. I can't really remember if she had asked her question first.
Yukino was perfect and I had to be too if she would ever notice me like that. Or did she already? Sometimes I caught her looking at me with this odd expression; I couldn't really tell what it was. I wanted to find out desperately. I wanted to know as much as I could about her. If someone had begun writing textbooks on her, all my other studies would have been forgotten in a moment.
The next day at school was particularly painful for me. I had no one to confide in. No one to ask for advice. Yukino was assigned to be partners with me on an assignment. The whole time I had to pretend that we were just two students working on something. Her shoulder accidentally touched mine and I froze completely. She was very professional though, not seeming to realize that her partner wasn't exactly being very helpful. All I could do was agree with everything that she said. She could have told me the world was flat and I would have just nodded. Other student pairs began to ask us for help. One boy got particularly close to her. I felt something boil deep inside of me.
What is he doing so close to her? Does he know her?
Stay away from her.
What happened if she fell in love with somebody else? It was terrible thoughts like that that filled the rest of the day. Maybe that's why I did what I did.
"Josephine, you're so sweet,"
It took me a long time to finally be able to say it. A long time. Every day I would get up, wondering if I could do it today but every night I would go to bed thinking miserably of how desperately I wanted to.
I was scared.
Would she laugh? What was I supposed to do then? Pretend it was a joke? Would she say anything back? It was so nerve wracking that I often didn't sleep. I could barely do schoolwork, feeling as though I was a million miles away.
Today, today I'm going to tell her.
This was my morning mantra, hoping that it would somehow make me brave enough to say it. Somehow I knew that today was going to be different. I was right.
If you keep something bottled up for a long time, it catches up with you. If you are very angry with someone and you never let yourself express anger, one day you explode over the smallest thing imaginable. It was as if my emotions finally boiled over.
Something in me snapped that day, I reached forward towards her, no one else was around. My hand on her small shoulder, getting closer to her then I had ever dared before, I leaned forward to whisper into her ear.
"I love you." I told her. Time stood still. I know that's a clichéd way of describing it but it's exactly what it seemed like. Everything paused, including her. Second thoughts and all my fear well together in this time.
Oh gods, what have I just done?
I never should have said it. I should walk away now.
I should say it's a joke.
I should say something.
Why isn't she saying anything?
Do I want her to say anything?
I had no idea what had possessed me to confess in the first place. It had seemed like the right moment. It's hard to predict when exactly the right moment is. It feels like you're two seconds too late or maybe a minute early. And if only she would say something to at least end my suffering.
She turned around, her face completely calm, as always. Yukino took a small step back as she looked up at me.
"You're a very nice person but I'm very busy with my schoolwork, I don't really have time for a boyfriend. You should find someone who can give you the sort of attention you deserve." Yukino told me in a kind, almost sympathetic voice.
"You must taste just like sugared tangerines."
Suddenly I knew exactly how those girls had felt. My heart felt like it had just shattered into tiny pieces and then they had been stepped on a few times. I had just been rejected. The other side of the spectrum is so much more painful. Her eyes were carefully watching me now. Was that pity? Yeah, pity stupid Arima who thought he even stood a chance. Did I deserve to be happy? After being such a fake person all these years? No. I could have laughed out loud at her words. They were the exact same words that I usually used. It wasn't a special response for me; I was just the same type of guy who always approached her. Her automated response was almost as bad as the initial rejection.
"Gomen." I hung my head. "I understand."
I didn't understand shit. I didn't understand one thing that was going on at the moment. I didn't understand why the world felt so cold. I don't know why it dawned on me that I couldn't tell anyone how it went and have someone make me feel better occurred to me. I didn't understand why I couldn't have this one thing. Did everyone know that I was a bad person? Or was it just that Yukino could tell. Wasn't it better this way?
No matter what I told myself, nothing could take away the feeling. I didn't eat dinner that night. I put my head on my pillow and tried my hardest not to cry. I didn't really cry anymore. No more shuddering sobs. Tears just flowed. Sometimes I couldn't tell the difference between when I was crying and I wasn't. Another night of no sleep. Who cared about that?
I skipped breakfast too. I felt like something had been ripped away from me. As I slung my backpack over my shoulder, I made a silent vow.
I'll make it up to her.
Maybe she doesn't love me.
But if I can be close to her…
It could be enough.
"I won't make a sound; sleep on the ground,"
That's how I found myself that weekend walking down to Yukino's house. What was I doing? Bringing her a tape of music that she had told me she liked. I felt stupid but seeing her had become the highlight of my day. In fact, I had long been rating my days on how much interaction I had with her. Lately, my days have been really bad.
I rang the doorbell. There was running, didn't Yukino have sisters? Yes, one of them was probably running towards the door. It flew open, but instead of someone greeting me, a flying kick administered by someone in maroon caught me in the stomach. My eyes tried to focus on the person, but when they did, my mind pulled in three hundred directions at once.
It was Yukino.
This wasn't the Yukino that I usually saw. This Yukino was wearing glasses and a maroon tracksuit, her hair was pulled back. Her eyes became the size of saucers when she realized who she had kicked. My mouth opened and words just sort of tumbled out.
"Just…wanted to bring you…the tape…" I fumbled for a coherent sentence. Amazingly at the exact same time, she was doing the same thing.
"I-I…I thought it was…my sisters forgot…" Yukino did not look like her normal calm composed self. She looked mortified. The world had just ended for her as far as I could tell.
She's…she's just like me…
It's all an act.
"And when you wake I will drive you into town,"
Normally, when you find out a truth about someone whom you thought you did know the truth about, you get upset, angry etc. That's not what happened to me.
I fell even farther in love then before.
There was someone else in the world who could possibly understand me. Someone I could confide in and tell all my secrets and in return they could tell me all of theirs. We knew what it was like to pretend day after day. I wanted to tell her right then and there that it was okay. I understand, I'd say and she'd smile at me. At least that's what my heart was screaming at me to do.
I should have listened. Instead I just stood there. Yukino quickly apologized and said she was rather busy with housework, she would see me at school. I looked down and realized she had never taken the tape. She probably hated that type of music. I threw the tape in a nearby trashcan, a smile spreading across my face.
Yukino clearly didn't want anyone to know the truth and who can really blame her? I did and therefore she'd have to find a way to keep me from telling anyone. My mind slowly began to hatch the perfect plan. One that would keep her near me.
"I missed your smile, your schoolgirl style,"
The day I returned to school, I could feel her tenseness from a mile away. I made it seem like nothing was out of the ordinary for me. It took every ounce of self control not to sit there grinning at how clever I felt. This wasn't me. I'm not devious and scheming. Or was I?
I had pretended for so long that I couldn't really figure out what was me and what wasn't. I didn't know anything about me. Maybe I was someone who sat around thinking of plots. That's what I was doing right now wasn't it? Yukino seemed relieved around the end of the day when I still hadn't done anything.
"Miyazawa-san." I stopped her in the hall. She tensed up from head to toe.
"Konnichiwa." Yukino greeted me nervously. I had her exactly where I wanted her. "You…you're not going to tell are you?" I arranged my face into a very thoughtful look.
"No," I said after a long time. "No, I won't." Yukino's face lit up in triumph. Now was the time to bring it right back down. "Have you finished your homework yet?"
"Yes." Yukino nodded her head.
"Great, you can do these for me." I handed her a large stack of papers. "Try to finish them quickly."
You may be wondering why I chose this particular route in my plans. I realize that I could have easily changed the situation to my advantage and make Yukino be with me but that's selfish. It's wrong to force someone into something like that. I just wanted to be close to her and that is not wrong.
With less paperwork for me to do, I found that I had more time to just lie on my back among the cherry trees or on the roof and daydream. That was something I hadn't had time to do for a long time. Most of the time when Yukino was doing my schoolwork, I was with her. Yukino was so different from what her image was that it was mind boggling.
"So much paperwork…" Yukino whined as she worked her way through a sheet of math problems.
"How did you get through all your homework plus being a class leader and all your other after school activities?" I asked her curiously as she pouted. She suddenly straightened and a deviant grin spread across her face.
"Because when I told boys 'Oh no, how am I ever supposed to get this done?'" Yukino made her most tragic face. "They actually believed me!" She began cracking up and hitting her hand on the table as if it was the funniest thing she ever heard. I could hardly hide my amusement. Yukino made me laugh out loud at least three times a day with her animated expressions and her silly comments.
If only it could have lasted that way.
"I never had much fun, maybe the very first mile,"
I didn't really think about how Yukino felt about the situation. I mean, I know she didn't like doing the extra work; she made that clear every chance she got. The emotional burden of someone holding something over your head is very hard.
That afternoon when she blew up at me, I didn't know how to respond. She tried to walk out of the room, and I grabbed her wrist to stop her. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. I just wanted to be close to her. When she struck me I knew that even that was selfish. Gods, couldn't I do anything right?
I ran after her as fast as I could, I was reminded of when I first realized I was in love with her. I hadn't run after her then and I always had wondered what would have happened if I had. Would it have turned out the same? When I finally did catch up to her, I apologized to her. Told her what I was up to. I think she forgave me. I think deep down she understood.
That night, I fell asleep feeling peaceful but my dreams were far from that.
"Hiding from me are you?"
"Come out here right now."
"What a worthless child."
"Just like his father."
Why was all of this coming back to me now? I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to think about it. I covered my head with my pillow, hoping to shield myself from my own memories and nightmares. A thought crept unbidden into my mind.
Is it because of Yukino?
"Josephine, your so good to me,"
I hated that look of confusion and hurt when I first began ignoring her that crossed Yukino's face. If I shut her out of my life would all these memories just go away on their own? I tried to keep my eyes on my work and not let them stray towards her. Every time I looked over at her, she looked over at me. Each time I was sent that questioning look. Every time I had to will myself go back to the papers on my desk. In a few minutes I repeated it because I loved to look at her.
Gods this is so unfair.
Why does she look like that? Why can't she just ignore me too?
I'm sorry Yukino…
"And I know it ain't easy,"
It couldn't keep up though. I had to tell her or apologize or make amends or something. Yukino was starting to break out of the shell that I had always seen, the perfection, the grace. I wish I had that sort of strength. Why couldn't I just do as she did and break free of my mask?
I loved those lies too dearly. I think they were my closest friends and I had to realize that they weren't real. None of it was real. Letting go of it was so hard. I think it was harder then anything that had ever happened.
So I gathered up my courage to tell Yukino something that I had never shared with anyone.
It was hard with her staring at me with those imploring eyes. It was almost as if they knew what had happened already and they were just waiting for me to tell. Her beautiful eyes.
"Josephine, you're so sweet,"
Telling was harder then I thought it would be. I fought back tears as I began to tell about how my grandparents weren't my real parents. What my real parents were like. I don't remember my mom as well as my dad.
Cruelty sticks to a mind far better then happiness. Which is why when you try to remember things, you can always remember the bad things. The worst experiences haunting you and staying with you trying to wear you down. All good things are harder to remember.
I can remember the moment I fell in love with Yukino. I can also remember with vivid clarity the moment she rejected me. I kept telling my story so that she would understand everything. I wanted her to understand. It's odd but if this one person, just this one could accept me after I told them what I was really like, then maybe, just maybe I could break my shell.
"You must taste like sugared tangerines,"
And she did understand.
Her kindness was genuine and it wasn't out of pity. Oh I'm sure she was sympathetic, that was only natural but she tried her best not to pity me and I was grateful. After I told my story, I felt exhausted both emotionally and psychologically. I wanted to take her in my arms and drift off to sleep so that I could finally dream pleasant dreams.
But that is not how the story goes.
We made a promise about letting our real selves come out and I was going to keep it even though it would be so hard for me.
As we watched the sun go down as we stood in the classroom, I bravely approached the one subject that I knew I should keep to myself. I was desperate. I thought about her all the time even though she had changed so many times. She was still the same wonderful person and I still admired her. I still wanted her.
"There's one thing that didn't change from the fake me to the real me that I'm proud of. I still love you." I told her. She visibly stiffened and I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
Things are never going to be the same between the two of us. We've grown closer and…and I'll always be here.
"Don't you know, I watched you walking home from school?"
Once more it was the same routine. We would hang out together, do homework together, and tease each other. It really was a good time for the two of us. But that's when she started to act weird.
Yukino was quirky and I loved her strange sense of humor and even stranger way of thinking but this was just different. I couldn't figure it out. What was she doing? She looked like she had to tell me something really important but just couldn't get it out.
Yukino could always say things though. She was the type who said whatever she felt like whenever she felt like it. What was going on with her?
Then I thought she was trying to torture me. At one point she floated across the schoolyard towards me before laying her head on my chest. Did she think that was funny? Or maybe she had no idea what she was doing. I just didn't understand. When I asked her what she was doing, she went all red in the face and looked embarrassed.
Things couldn't simple.
"Your friends on the old playgrounds, you never looked so down,"
We were walking towards the station to get home. The two of us, both lost in our own thoughts.
I was thinking about how I had told her that I was still in love with her. Now, you'd probably think that I'd be upset that she didn't say anything. But I wasn't. I felt like it was progress. She rejected me effortlessly last time, was it harder for her this time?
Maybe she…maybe she's in love with me…
It was wishful thinking but I couldn't help but wonder. She was acting so strange, I carefully looked at her. Her eyes were on the sidewalk and she actually looked sad. Yukino was never sad. What was happening to her? What was wrong?
But if she was in love with me, why hadn't she said anything yet? That's how I knew she didn't. I had already made it clear how I felt hadn't I? I wasn't thinking when I turned to her at that moment, walking up the stairs. I wasn't thinking at all. It was such a stupid thing to say that I wanted to hurt myself as soon as the words came out my mouth.
"Won't you come and help me with these cuts of mine?"
"Yukino…you still haven't told me how you felt." I reminded her.
She stared at me, her eyes widening and her mouth parting slightly. She was going to say something. Maybe something about how she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to break my heart again. That's what it was before. My heart breaking and it would again if she rejected me. I felt I could die if she told me she didn't feel the same way.
There was one of those horrible moments of silence again. I hated those.
Then she turned and ran away. I was shocked. Did she really not love me? Was I stupid to try to hold onto her for so long?
What the hell was I thinking?
It felt like a punishment for all my lies to see her turn and run like that. Where was she going? Shouldn't I follow her? Was that what she wanted me to do? Was I supposed to follow her?
"I've disconnected my heart, and cut myself on the wires,"
Terrible thoughts began to flood my head. What if Yukino wanted to string me along forever? What if I was just some game for her to play? Why would she do this? Because she could? Because I would follow her and wait patiently for her to throw me scraps of attention?
What kind of person am I?
I should have been angry. Maybe after all this time I had blocked off the ability to be angry. It was all because of them. I had tried to prove them wrong and in the end I might have just been hurting myself. Why should it matter so much what they think or what anyone thought for that matter? Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone? Let me live in my own world with Yukino. With cherry blossoms all around me and nothing but the feel of spring in the air.
So simple. I hated the way that life got complicated. Simplicity was the key to me ever being happy. Could I really be happy? Ever?
I was so confused, so mixed up. I couldn't tell you what I was really like behind the mask or how I was pulled in so many different directions.
"I knew I was wrong, I knew all along,"
Yukino didn't want me. My aunt and uncle had been given me. Nobody at school really cared about me. I was alone. I was nothing.
Tears welled up again, just spilling down my face. No one noticed me as I walked along the sidewalks, trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out myself and what I wanted. I knew I wanted Yukino but I couldn't have her. It was so hard trying to tell myself that. No matter how bad I wanted it, I couldn't have it.
I reached out in front of me, standing in the middle of that gray concrete, just reaching. I'm not sure what I was reaching for. The gray was the only thing that I could see and the whole world stopped having color. Everything was the color of tears.
"But I got so far from home,"
I walked into my house, putting my bag exactly where I was supposed to. Then I walked upstairs after saying hello to my aunt and uncle who didn't see that I had just been crying. They greeted me happily and went to talk more about the hospital. I knew that while they accepted me as part of their life, it wouldn't make that much of a difference if I was there or not.
It would be better for everyone if I just disappeared.
There was no way for that to happen. I carefully walked into my room, closing the door behind me. I had homework to do that night. I sat down, arranging my books and papers in the proper order for me to do.
I did every page of homework in an hour, only able to drown out my problems for that long. I moved to my bed and lay down, not ever wanting to have to move from that position again. My aunt told me it was time to eat and I told her I wasn't hungry. She had been worried but I kept telling her I just wasn't hungry, I'd make myself something later if I was.
I couldn't force myself to do anything though. Just lay there.
The world…I can't feel anything…I'm dying aren't I? Or am I dead? Why am I here?
"I never thought I'd be lonesome,"
It was strange; my memories of what happened next are always so blurred. It was almost dreamlike. I walked into the bathroom, opening the box that I kept the razors in. I didn't really have to shave but I kept them anyways, just in case.
I'm supposed to stop pretending.
Show everyone the real me.
Well, this is the real me.
I took out one of the razors and stared at the gleaming metal for a long time. They wanted to see the real me? I'd show them how ugly and mutilated and lost I was. I'd show them.
I pulled up the sleeve on my left arm. The metal met my flesh and I felt how ready it was to slice. It would be over with and I wouldn't have to think about it. I wouldn't have to think about it. Everything would be over.
The telephone in my room rang.
The razor fell from my hand, clattering to the ground. I went to my bedroom and picked up the telephone. As soon as I had it to my ear, about to say something, there was a clicking noise as the person on the other end hung up. I don't know why it seemed so important to me to know who was calling. It could have been a telemarketer for all I knew. But I had to know. I looked down at the caller ID which didn't say who it was but did have a number. I dialed it and waited.
"Josephine, your so good to me,
"Moshi moshi, Miyazawa residence." A young girl answered the phone.
Miya…zawa? Why was she calling?
"Who is this?" My voice was hoarse, maybe from the tears shed earlier that day or maybe because I was so surprised.
"Miyazawa Tsukino." The girl answered. "Oh wait one moment please." The same voice could be heard, muffled this time because she had her hand pressed against the phone. "Yukino, why did you try to call him again then?"
Another voice, which I couldn't make out but just knew it was Yukino's answered back.
"But you do know you're in love with him." Tsukino seemed to be arguing tiredly. "Just one sec, Yukino." The phone was no longer muffled. "I'm very sorry; who would you like to talk to?"
"I…I…" I was frozen in place. "Wrong number." That was all I could get out before hanging up the phone myself.
"But you do know you're in love with him…"
"And I know it ain't easy,"
It couldn't be true. There was just no way. Yukino didn't love me. She could never feel the way that I did. Or was it possible that she did?
Why hadn't she told me though? Why? Then it hit me. I was foolish to not to see why if she loved me why she wouldn't say anything. The same thing that had been hanging over my head the whole time I had been working up the courage to tell her the first time.
Yukino was scared.
I smiled. It kept widening to a grin. It must have been an odd sight for my uncle when he walked in with me just standing with my hand on the phone, grinning from ear to ear like an idiot.
The world suddenly came back into focus and color. And what vivid colors the whole world was. I know it sounds stupid and possible corny to describe it this way but that's how it felt.
I told my uncle I was fine and then went to bed. However, more thoughts came to me. Why did the realistic things have to come to mind? It spoiled everything.
"Josephine, your so sweet,"
What if she remained scared? What if she would never say anything? My heart sank. I had given her the most perfect opportunity to say something and she had run. Was that what she would do from now on? Just run because she was frightened?
I decided to carry on as I usually did. Maybe one day she could have the courage to tell me. Maybe it would be tomorrow or next week. But what if it never came?
The school day started out okay. Yukino and I met that morning. I felt like a little kid waiting for Christmas to come. She appeared normal but I knew that she was good at acting. Perhaps even too good.
The day dragged on and on. I didn't expect her to declare her love in class or anything. There was something in her eyes though. She looked…determined. Or was I just hoping that's what it was?
I hated student council meetings. Next year I doubted I was going to be on the student council. I just sat there next to Yukino, pretending to be interested in what was being said by the others. I sighed wearily.
And that's when I felt it.
"You must taste just like sugared tangerines."
A hand grabbed hold of mine. It was soft and hesitant. My cheeks went red as I stared at her. I wasn't the only one blushing. Yukino was looking at me for approval too. I tightened my hand around hers, telling her it was okay. I understood.
In a way, we both needed understanding.
I wasn't scared to love anymore.
* * *
Okay I'm done! I can't believe how long this is! Yikes. Oh well, go Arima! I know I might be off on the order of events but I tried to do it as well as I remembered so I'm sorry if I messed up. I really wrote this because I wanted to shine some light on his version of events. Yeah I'm a dork. Oh and that phone call there by Yukino wasn't the one that we see with her all nervous and trying to confess her love. That one was sort of an invented er, fanfiction plot device. I only point it out because my onee-chan thought that I was really screwing up the order of events. Heehee. ^_^ Please read and review!