Title: The Logic of Risk Taking
Author: Chocolatequeen
Rating: Er. PG? I don't know, I haven't written it yet!
Disclaimer: Enterprise is owned by rich people, I am not rich, therefore I
do not own Enterprise. How's that for logic, T'Pol? Ditto on the song I
quoted.
Archiving: Just ask, and make sure you send me a link.
Summary: After First Flight, Archer and T'Pol both ponder the logic found
in taking risks. There will be 3 parts, the first two are both stream of
consciousness POV's, the third will include dialogue.
Chapter 2: .Nothing Gained
"When did the focus of the conversation change?" Jon asked himself as he tossed a ball against the wall. "We started out talking about A.G. and the warp program." Here he broke off, catching a look from Porthos. "We did!" he insisted, feeling the sudden need to defend himself. "Wait a minute, why am I justifying my actions to my dog? For that matter, why do my actions, well my thoughts really, why do they need justifying at all?"
Resuming his one sided game of catch, he went over the day's events. The excitement over possibly finding a dark matter nebula had quickly been driven away by the loss of a friend. Somehow though, A.G.'s death made it even more important to find the nebula, as if that was the only way to validate all the hard work his friend had given to get him here. He'd thought no one else could understand the emotion driving him, and so he attempted to go alone.
"But she just waltzed into the shuttle like it was a foregone conclusion that she was coming," he told Porthos. "Of course, she had regulations backing her up, but from the moment she got on, I knew she wasn't just there as a safety precaution. She wanted to talk.
"She was pretty straightforward about it too, no beating around the bush. 'I can spend the time meditating, but if you'd prefer to talk.' she said, obviously trying to lend an ear." He caught the ball in midair, thinking about what he'd just said. "That doesn't sound very Vulcan, does it? And to offer to meditate with me. she wanted to help. I suppose that was why I began telling her the story.
"It was just a story," he insisted to himself. "Not a parable or a fable designed to teach a lesson, not even an illustration of what we were doing in searching for the dark matter. So when did it become something more? Even more than that, what was the something more it became?"
Hitting the mental rewind button, he went back to the beginning again. "I wanted to find the dark matter nebula, she wasn't sure it existed. That happens often enough, but I think it was where it all began. The whole day revolved around going out on a limb. We went on a few sensor readings, looking for dark matter, A.G. and I risked our careers on the chance that it would save the warp program. I guess that explains part of her interest in the story-risk taking doesn't come naturally for Vulcans. So when did it stop being a story and become an illustration of the benefits taking risks can have?"
Shoving himself off the bed, he began to pace. He knew he'd hit the heart of it, he just didn't know what 'it' was. "Well, the only way to find what 'it' is would be to figure out what risk I want her to take." He was keenly aware that the logical approach of his first officer was rubbing off on him, but under the circumstances it seemed to be the only viable method.
"Answering the question of when is still important. When did that subtle tension appear in the conversation?" Going over their words once more, he forced himself to remember what her reaction had been at each point of the story, but when he finally found the turning point, he was surprised to discover it had nothing to do with A.G., at least on the surface.
"It was when she encouraged me to turn around after the first surge, or maybe just before that. She couldn't quite believe that the slight malfunction of the shuttle's engine could have as large a cause as a dark matter nebula. Apparently, she's never heard the phrase, 'Where there's smoke, there's fire.' That would certainly satisfy her Vulcan mind." Her response came back to him easily. 'Even if you're right, it could be dangerous to proceed. Another surge could disable life support.' "Ever the logical science officer," he muttered to himself. "But it was my response that changed the tone. I subconsciously quoted A.G.-'We're not going to get anywhere without taking some risks'-and she tensed up on me. But why? Surely she knows by now that's the way I run my ship, so clearly, that comment hit her differently."
Running his hands through his hair in utter frustration, Jon considered giving up for the night. Figuring out what went on in a woman's head was hard enough, but when the woman was Vulcan, it became nearly impossible. He colored slightly as he realized the shift his thoughts had taken since he met T'Pol. In the beginning, she had been Vulcan first and only consequentially a female. Now she was a woman who happened to be Vulcan.
"Careful Archer, you're treading in dangerous waters. Thinking like that won't bring you any closer to figuring out who she was applying the idea of risk taking to or what it is about the simple give and take of risk taking that caused that reaction." Yet suddenly, he froze. The phrase 'give and take' stuck in his mind, like it was a song he couldn't get out of his head. A tune danced in between his synapses, just out of reach. Gradually, a bar here and there came to him, and as he hummed them, the words came as well.
"You've got to give a little, take a little, And let your poor heart break a little That's the story of, That's the glory of love."
He flopped back down on the bed, mind racing. "That can't be what she was thinking about," he insisted. 'What else could it have been?' his mind asked insidiously. "It could have been the crew, but no, I've already covered that. She's used to me taking risks in my day to day command decisions. She doesn't agree with them most of the time, but she's used to them. Okay, if not the ship then it must have been a part of the story about A.G. and me. No, that doesn't make sense either. When I said that, I obviously was not talking about that, I was talking about-"
Color drained from his face as he realized what the only other 'we' could have been. "I was talking about her and I," he whispered. "But I was talking about the dark matter, surely she didn't jump from that to. well, not that it would be a bad thing but it's not really a logical jump." 'Isn't it though?' his mind asked again. "I suppose it was just the two of us in the shuttle and I did say we needed to take risks, and we both understand that a relationship would involve a lot of risk."
Once he understood where her mind had gone with that comment, it was easy to see how they had subconsciously been talking about their own risks for the rest of the conversation. "That's why I wanted her to understand the benefits that had come from A.G.'s risks. I wanted her to see that some of the best and most rewarding things in life require taking a risk. More than that, I wanted to show her that there can be logic in a calculated risk. You don't just look across a canyon and recklessly decided to risk a leap from one side to the other. You look at the outcomes and weigh the possible benefits against the possible consequences. If the possible payoff is better than where you began and more likely than the possible fallout, then you take the leap.
"When we stole that ship, it was obvious to us what would happen if we didn't. The warp program would have ended along with our careers. I guess in a way that lessened the threat of consequences of the actual act and highlighted the possible benefits. Either way, we'd likely be out of a job, but if we tried, it was possible other Star Fleet officers would have the chance we were willing to give up."
He stopped for a moment, remembering the rest of the shuttle ride. "Even the slight risk we took in looking for the dark matter illustrated that point. She wasn't sure it was there or even if it would be worth it to look, but what we found was something beautiful and unique, and that's sure to cause debate in the Science Directorate." He added the last with a grin, realizing certain possibilities of their relationship would be likely to cause debate among the Science Directorate as well.
Recognizing where his thoughts had gone, he sobered instantly. "I can't just sit here hoping this was what she meant. A certain amount of analysis is good, but if I become one of those people who starts looking for hidden meanings behind every word, hoping to hear what they're looking for, I'll go crazy." Standing up, he moved to lean against the bulkhead as he planned his next move. "So what do I do instead?"
In the end, the question was moot. There was only one answer-go ask her if she was willing to trust him again and take the risk of a lifetime. He strode to the door with more confidence than he felt, ready to march down the corridor and talk to her right now, but his door chimed just as his hand hovered over the button. His groan of frustration melted away into nervous anticipation however when he saw Porthos run over to the door and wag his tail eagerly.
Complete lyrics to "The Glory of Love."
"You've got to give a little, take a little, And let your poor heart break a little That's the story of, That's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, Cry a little, And let the clouds roll by a little, That's the story of, That's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of you You've got the world and all its charms. And when the world is through with you You've got each others' arms.
You've got to win a little, Lose a little, And always have the blues a little, That's the story of, That's the glory of love."
Chapter 2: .Nothing Gained
"When did the focus of the conversation change?" Jon asked himself as he tossed a ball against the wall. "We started out talking about A.G. and the warp program." Here he broke off, catching a look from Porthos. "We did!" he insisted, feeling the sudden need to defend himself. "Wait a minute, why am I justifying my actions to my dog? For that matter, why do my actions, well my thoughts really, why do they need justifying at all?"
Resuming his one sided game of catch, he went over the day's events. The excitement over possibly finding a dark matter nebula had quickly been driven away by the loss of a friend. Somehow though, A.G.'s death made it even more important to find the nebula, as if that was the only way to validate all the hard work his friend had given to get him here. He'd thought no one else could understand the emotion driving him, and so he attempted to go alone.
"But she just waltzed into the shuttle like it was a foregone conclusion that she was coming," he told Porthos. "Of course, she had regulations backing her up, but from the moment she got on, I knew she wasn't just there as a safety precaution. She wanted to talk.
"She was pretty straightforward about it too, no beating around the bush. 'I can spend the time meditating, but if you'd prefer to talk.' she said, obviously trying to lend an ear." He caught the ball in midair, thinking about what he'd just said. "That doesn't sound very Vulcan, does it? And to offer to meditate with me. she wanted to help. I suppose that was why I began telling her the story.
"It was just a story," he insisted to himself. "Not a parable or a fable designed to teach a lesson, not even an illustration of what we were doing in searching for the dark matter. So when did it become something more? Even more than that, what was the something more it became?"
Hitting the mental rewind button, he went back to the beginning again. "I wanted to find the dark matter nebula, she wasn't sure it existed. That happens often enough, but I think it was where it all began. The whole day revolved around going out on a limb. We went on a few sensor readings, looking for dark matter, A.G. and I risked our careers on the chance that it would save the warp program. I guess that explains part of her interest in the story-risk taking doesn't come naturally for Vulcans. So when did it stop being a story and become an illustration of the benefits taking risks can have?"
Shoving himself off the bed, he began to pace. He knew he'd hit the heart of it, he just didn't know what 'it' was. "Well, the only way to find what 'it' is would be to figure out what risk I want her to take." He was keenly aware that the logical approach of his first officer was rubbing off on him, but under the circumstances it seemed to be the only viable method.
"Answering the question of when is still important. When did that subtle tension appear in the conversation?" Going over their words once more, he forced himself to remember what her reaction had been at each point of the story, but when he finally found the turning point, he was surprised to discover it had nothing to do with A.G., at least on the surface.
"It was when she encouraged me to turn around after the first surge, or maybe just before that. She couldn't quite believe that the slight malfunction of the shuttle's engine could have as large a cause as a dark matter nebula. Apparently, she's never heard the phrase, 'Where there's smoke, there's fire.' That would certainly satisfy her Vulcan mind." Her response came back to him easily. 'Even if you're right, it could be dangerous to proceed. Another surge could disable life support.' "Ever the logical science officer," he muttered to himself. "But it was my response that changed the tone. I subconsciously quoted A.G.-'We're not going to get anywhere without taking some risks'-and she tensed up on me. But why? Surely she knows by now that's the way I run my ship, so clearly, that comment hit her differently."
Running his hands through his hair in utter frustration, Jon considered giving up for the night. Figuring out what went on in a woman's head was hard enough, but when the woman was Vulcan, it became nearly impossible. He colored slightly as he realized the shift his thoughts had taken since he met T'Pol. In the beginning, she had been Vulcan first and only consequentially a female. Now she was a woman who happened to be Vulcan.
"Careful Archer, you're treading in dangerous waters. Thinking like that won't bring you any closer to figuring out who she was applying the idea of risk taking to or what it is about the simple give and take of risk taking that caused that reaction." Yet suddenly, he froze. The phrase 'give and take' stuck in his mind, like it was a song he couldn't get out of his head. A tune danced in between his synapses, just out of reach. Gradually, a bar here and there came to him, and as he hummed them, the words came as well.
"You've got to give a little, take a little, And let your poor heart break a little That's the story of, That's the glory of love."
He flopped back down on the bed, mind racing. "That can't be what she was thinking about," he insisted. 'What else could it have been?' his mind asked insidiously. "It could have been the crew, but no, I've already covered that. She's used to me taking risks in my day to day command decisions. She doesn't agree with them most of the time, but she's used to them. Okay, if not the ship then it must have been a part of the story about A.G. and me. No, that doesn't make sense either. When I said that, I obviously was not talking about that, I was talking about-"
Color drained from his face as he realized what the only other 'we' could have been. "I was talking about her and I," he whispered. "But I was talking about the dark matter, surely she didn't jump from that to. well, not that it would be a bad thing but it's not really a logical jump." 'Isn't it though?' his mind asked again. "I suppose it was just the two of us in the shuttle and I did say we needed to take risks, and we both understand that a relationship would involve a lot of risk."
Once he understood where her mind had gone with that comment, it was easy to see how they had subconsciously been talking about their own risks for the rest of the conversation. "That's why I wanted her to understand the benefits that had come from A.G.'s risks. I wanted her to see that some of the best and most rewarding things in life require taking a risk. More than that, I wanted to show her that there can be logic in a calculated risk. You don't just look across a canyon and recklessly decided to risk a leap from one side to the other. You look at the outcomes and weigh the possible benefits against the possible consequences. If the possible payoff is better than where you began and more likely than the possible fallout, then you take the leap.
"When we stole that ship, it was obvious to us what would happen if we didn't. The warp program would have ended along with our careers. I guess in a way that lessened the threat of consequences of the actual act and highlighted the possible benefits. Either way, we'd likely be out of a job, but if we tried, it was possible other Star Fleet officers would have the chance we were willing to give up."
He stopped for a moment, remembering the rest of the shuttle ride. "Even the slight risk we took in looking for the dark matter illustrated that point. She wasn't sure it was there or even if it would be worth it to look, but what we found was something beautiful and unique, and that's sure to cause debate in the Science Directorate." He added the last with a grin, realizing certain possibilities of their relationship would be likely to cause debate among the Science Directorate as well.
Recognizing where his thoughts had gone, he sobered instantly. "I can't just sit here hoping this was what she meant. A certain amount of analysis is good, but if I become one of those people who starts looking for hidden meanings behind every word, hoping to hear what they're looking for, I'll go crazy." Standing up, he moved to lean against the bulkhead as he planned his next move. "So what do I do instead?"
In the end, the question was moot. There was only one answer-go ask her if she was willing to trust him again and take the risk of a lifetime. He strode to the door with more confidence than he felt, ready to march down the corridor and talk to her right now, but his door chimed just as his hand hovered over the button. His groan of frustration melted away into nervous anticipation however when he saw Porthos run over to the door and wag his tail eagerly.
Complete lyrics to "The Glory of Love."
"You've got to give a little, take a little, And let your poor heart break a little That's the story of, That's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, Cry a little, And let the clouds roll by a little, That's the story of, That's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of you You've got the world and all its charms. And when the world is through with you You've got each others' arms.
You've got to win a little, Lose a little, And always have the blues a little, That's the story of, That's the glory of love."