Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
Shitsui@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Author's Notes: Credit Xandra for nagging and Lyra for editing.
CHAPTER ONE
The second time I met Tsukishiro Yukito didn't go as easily as the first.
That tends to be the way of things, I've found. In spite of what some people may think, counselors are human, and we have our bad days, too. Perhaps that's why I wasn't as perceptive as I should have been- but I doubt it. Yukito and Yue are two of the smartest individuals I have ever met, and they easily wove me into their web without even consciously trying.
It would be a week after I would discover that Yukito had pulled me into his reality, and later still that I would find out that reality as I knew it truly didn't exist around Yukito.
But that would be in the next session.
I had had a very long day, and was thinking very much of a long soak in a bath tub, a good movie, and my cat, Miss Lily, cuddling in my lap as I watched it. Still, I knew I had Yukito coming as a final client, and I needed to devote my full attention to him. Having a split personality, as I suspected he did, was a serious problem, and he needed nothing but my best. I did what I could for him, but occasionally a client outsmarts a therapist- not often, since we're trained to watch for it, but I had underestimated Yukito.
I would learn the error of my ways, later. His innocent face hid many more secrets than I dreamed possible... secrets which would lead me to question reality as I knew it. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself.
My 6 o'clock had left 10 minutes early, muttering about a dinner dance she had to attend. She was an over-stressed socialite who suffered from a panic disorder and OCD, and I was making slow process with her. Her husband was the one who had issued and ultimatum for her to attend therapy or seek a separation, and she wasn't cooperating very well. I knew that the breakthrough would be quite a while, but building trust between us was taking much longer than I'd've liked. I was considering referring her to a different counselor, since she was on the verge of actively disliking me, but I wasn't sure that was the right step. All in all, it had been an exhausting session.
The timer I kept on my desk went off, and I rose to collect Yukito. I had heard him come in earlier, and I believed in punctuality- some of my clients were obsessed by it. In a few meetings, I would be deliberately late to see how Yukito reacted, but I wasn't at that stage yet. I hated the mind games I played, but in the long run, I needed them.
I had to have the upper hand. Still, at that second meeting, it was Yukito who "won." It's sad that I have to think about winners and losers, but there is a subtle game being played between therapists and clients, and the secrets the clients have are the prize. Yukito protected himself far too well for me to help him.
Yukito was again in the lobby, this time wearing a brown pull-over and jeans that looked like they had been pressed. He was working on advanced trig homework, and I noticed he was nibbling on his pencil absentmindedly as he pounded a bunch of figures into the calculator. He looked up as he saw me entering, snapping the book shut. "Imiyo-san!" he exclaimed. Then his eyes widened slightly. "Are you feeling okay? You look tired."
I blinked twice, unable to stop myself. There was a slight tenseness around my eyes, but it wasn't anything most people would notice; it was subtle. Yukito was perceptive and attuned to other people, which meant I would have to be careful around him. Anything I said could be turned against me. I had the feeling that though he was seeking my help, if he decided something was wrong with my methods, he'd throw back any of my missteps.
"I'm fine. It's called aging," I joked. "Wrinkles... it'll happen to you, too," I teased as he shoved he materials into his bag.
"I'm not so sure," he whispered, but it was barely loud enough for me to hear.
I didn't make an issue of it as we settled into the same seats. Yukito's eyes darted back to the white feathers hanging from the dreamcatchers, and I wondered if I should move it to see what else would capture his attention. "Did you have a nice week?" I asked.
"It was fine," he said. "No different than any other."
It took a bit of effort to keep from frowning at that. That was a cryptic sentence if ever I heard one. "Can you tell me about how your week usually goes?"
He was silent for a second. "Are you starting the therapy now?" he asked.
"I need to know more about you," I replied diplomatically. Most people hated being treated, even ones as cooperative at Yukito.
He nodded. "I usually get up in the morning, and eat. I eat a lot... enough to feed three or four people. It used to be funny, but it's not anymore." His eyes met mine, and I could see it wasn't out of any concern for his weight. "I simply can't stop eating... and though I love how food tastes, it'd be nice to know what it feels like to be full. I spend thousands of yen a day on food." Yukito's eyes wandered around the room, paused on that object I was getting tempted to throw out the window, before returning to my face.
"Why do you think you eat so much?" I asked, pushing a strand of my black hair behind my ear. Some psychologists might say he was compensating for a lack of love in his life, but I was willing to wager that there was another reason. Yukito was not a textbook case; there was no such thing as a textbook case. People were unique to themselves.
"I don't know," he said.
He was lying, my gut told me. I smiled at him and pretended to buy it; now was not the time to confront him. "Really? That's unusual," I said. "People usually have reasons for overeating- compensation for something," I said. "It might be something to think about for our next session."
He agreed, and I got the feeling that he'd agree to it if I suggested anything. He'd find a way out of it, but Yukito was a person who didn't like to disappoint anyone. I was starting to really care about him, and something worried me. There was something dark inside of him, and it wasn't just Yue. A fully-recognized alter, which I believed Yukito himself was, had its own dark side as well.
I waited for a moment to gather my thoughts, before deciding I was ready to press on. "Can you tell me what it is about Yue... About what he looks like?"
"I've never seen him..." Yukito told me softly before resting his hands on his lap. He gave the impression of being utterly at ease, but I saw that his knuckles were beginning to turn white.
I nodded. "Well... Did he ever tell you what he looks like?"
"No. Yue never talks to me. Whenever he comes out, I black out," Yukito informed me, and now the tenseness seemed to be traveling to his eyes.
I thought for a second. "How often does he come out?"
Yukito thought it over before replying. "It depends. He comes out in times of duress, or... Well, he's very fond of the moon. Do you speak Chinese?"
"No, I never learned. I speak English and some Latin," I replied. I wondered where he was leading me.
"'Yue' is Chinese for moon. He has a real affinity for the night and the moon," Yukito said. "Sometimes, usually on clear nights, I'll black out and... Well, wake up somewhere completely different place well into the morning."
"When you black out, do you have any clue what happened when you regain control?" I asked, trying to gauge where he was on the MPD spectrum.
"No. Yue, though, is aware of everything." He met my eyes and there was a deep sorrow in them, and he seemed to be aware of how significant that was.
Yue... Was most likely the core, I realized. Yukito... Was an alter. Yukito hadn't been kidding when he said he'd been "created" around tenth grade. It made me wonder if there were other personalities in his mind, since it was unheard of for the first split to occur so late in life.
The thought made my stomach drop into my feet. I didn't want to believe that the likable young man who sat before me wasn't "real," but I knew that it was probably true. "Yukito" was merely an identity who bore the name of the body, but was not the "original" personality. He was transitory... Someday, he might fade away, when "Yue" decided that "Yukito" had served the function he had been created for. It worried me, but I knew I had to accept it. I hoped that Yukito's boyfriend could, and would be able to understand the person he loved might suffer a strange form of death while his body lived.
"Are you able to communicate with Yue in any way?" I asked.
"He talks to Sakura quite a bit... Sometimes Touya, but mainly Sakura."
I wondered what Yue, this cold being that was gradually evolving in my mind, had to do with a twelve year old girl. I wished I could speak to him. "Would it be possible for you to give her a note to give to him?" I suggested.
He blinked at me, his glasses making the movement look slightly owlish. "Sure.. But... Why would I want to?"
"Because... Ask him to leave you notes when he leaves you somewhere. Start carrying a small reporter's notebook and a pen, and you'll feel a bit better. Keep an emergency kit on you- a phone card, 5000 yen, that notebook, so if you wind up somewhere really weird, at least you're not stranded."
Yukito smiled shyly. "He hasn't stranded me anywhere... Yet."
"Yet..." I pointed out. "But you're afraid he will."
Yukito nodded. "He's so much... Stronger than I am."
I smiled at him gently. "Strength is how we choose to define it, Yukito-san," I told him softly. "We are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. If you think you are weak... then you are weak. If you believe you are strong... then you become so."
He blinked slowly, removing his glasses to polish them on his shirt. Without them, his eyes looked wider and more innocent, and my maternal instincts urged me to promise him everything would be alright; that was the last thing I would ever do. I could never, ever make a promise, since I had no way of knowing what the future would hold for him. "You sound like Sakura-chan. She's always saying... everything's going to be okay," he whispered softly, as though he was reading my mind. "I hate to think of the day when she learns the world isn't a perfect place..."
"We all hate to think of the day when a child is forced to grow up," I agreed, speaking softly. "It's our nature to want to protect those who are innocent."
His amber eyes looked up at me, without the protective shield of his glasses still, and for a second, I almost got lost in the sorrow I saw there. "Sakura and To-ya don't deserve to have that happen to them... though sometimes I wonder how innocent To-ya ever was... he always...." Yukito broke off, and sighed. Then he replaced his glasses, and a wall went up around him.
"Do you want to tell me a little bit about Touya?" I asked curiously.
Yukito blushed and shook his head. "Touya would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. He's an immensely private person."
"It would help me gain a better picture of your life, Yukito-san," I replied, wondering why he was suddenly erecting barriers around himself. I was getting close to something he wanted to keep secret... but what?
He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Imiyo-san. Some things are private.... Even for me."
I glanced at the clock; we had run over by five minutes. "Yukito, there's a support group for multiples I'd like you-"
"No," he said softly. "I'd rather work one-on-one."
I blinked. He'd been very open at our first session, and I had assumed he would be willing to go; careless of me to make assumptions. "Okay," I agreed. "Shall we say same time next week?"
He agreed, smiling, and the warmth of his expression helped me dismiss some of the uneasiness I felt about the last fifteen minutes of our session.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
September 13
Second session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Some rather interesting developments, none of which should be surprising, though I do find them so.
Yukito reports an unusually large appetite, denied knowing reasons for it when I asked why. I believe him to be lying.
I suspect that Yukito is not the core identity; rather, Yue or some other personality is the true core, and Yukito is merely the controlling alter. .He experiences blackouts whenever Yue takes control, and Yue is known to be fond of doing so without warning. Interestingly, Yue is Chinese for "Moon", and he seems to have a preference for controlling the shared body on clear nights, particular ones with the moons. Yue is also fond of Sakura and to a lesser extent Touya. I do wonder about this; from the way Yukito describes him, the best word to sum Yue up would be "distant".
Yukito is reluctant to speak too much on his relationship with Kinomoto Touya; this actually reassures me that he IS a normal patient. Patients who are too willing to help make me nervous.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Notes:
Again, a focus on Yukito- Yue fans are encouraged to wait a little... he's coming. I prefer to unfold a plot a little more slowly... and then hit people between the eyes with a revelation.
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
Shitsui@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Author's Notes: Credit Xandra for nagging and Lyra for editing.
CHAPTER ONE
The second time I met Tsukishiro Yukito didn't go as easily as the first.
That tends to be the way of things, I've found. In spite of what some people may think, counselors are human, and we have our bad days, too. Perhaps that's why I wasn't as perceptive as I should have been- but I doubt it. Yukito and Yue are two of the smartest individuals I have ever met, and they easily wove me into their web without even consciously trying.
It would be a week after I would discover that Yukito had pulled me into his reality, and later still that I would find out that reality as I knew it truly didn't exist around Yukito.
But that would be in the next session.
I had had a very long day, and was thinking very much of a long soak in a bath tub, a good movie, and my cat, Miss Lily, cuddling in my lap as I watched it. Still, I knew I had Yukito coming as a final client, and I needed to devote my full attention to him. Having a split personality, as I suspected he did, was a serious problem, and he needed nothing but my best. I did what I could for him, but occasionally a client outsmarts a therapist- not often, since we're trained to watch for it, but I had underestimated Yukito.
I would learn the error of my ways, later. His innocent face hid many more secrets than I dreamed possible... secrets which would lead me to question reality as I knew it. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself.
My 6 o'clock had left 10 minutes early, muttering about a dinner dance she had to attend. She was an over-stressed socialite who suffered from a panic disorder and OCD, and I was making slow process with her. Her husband was the one who had issued and ultimatum for her to attend therapy or seek a separation, and she wasn't cooperating very well. I knew that the breakthrough would be quite a while, but building trust between us was taking much longer than I'd've liked. I was considering referring her to a different counselor, since she was on the verge of actively disliking me, but I wasn't sure that was the right step. All in all, it had been an exhausting session.
The timer I kept on my desk went off, and I rose to collect Yukito. I had heard him come in earlier, and I believed in punctuality- some of my clients were obsessed by it. In a few meetings, I would be deliberately late to see how Yukito reacted, but I wasn't at that stage yet. I hated the mind games I played, but in the long run, I needed them.
I had to have the upper hand. Still, at that second meeting, it was Yukito who "won." It's sad that I have to think about winners and losers, but there is a subtle game being played between therapists and clients, and the secrets the clients have are the prize. Yukito protected himself far too well for me to help him.
Yukito was again in the lobby, this time wearing a brown pull-over and jeans that looked like they had been pressed. He was working on advanced trig homework, and I noticed he was nibbling on his pencil absentmindedly as he pounded a bunch of figures into the calculator. He looked up as he saw me entering, snapping the book shut. "Imiyo-san!" he exclaimed. Then his eyes widened slightly. "Are you feeling okay? You look tired."
I blinked twice, unable to stop myself. There was a slight tenseness around my eyes, but it wasn't anything most people would notice; it was subtle. Yukito was perceptive and attuned to other people, which meant I would have to be careful around him. Anything I said could be turned against me. I had the feeling that though he was seeking my help, if he decided something was wrong with my methods, he'd throw back any of my missteps.
"I'm fine. It's called aging," I joked. "Wrinkles... it'll happen to you, too," I teased as he shoved he materials into his bag.
"I'm not so sure," he whispered, but it was barely loud enough for me to hear.
I didn't make an issue of it as we settled into the same seats. Yukito's eyes darted back to the white feathers hanging from the dreamcatchers, and I wondered if I should move it to see what else would capture his attention. "Did you have a nice week?" I asked.
"It was fine," he said. "No different than any other."
It took a bit of effort to keep from frowning at that. That was a cryptic sentence if ever I heard one. "Can you tell me about how your week usually goes?"
He was silent for a second. "Are you starting the therapy now?" he asked.
"I need to know more about you," I replied diplomatically. Most people hated being treated, even ones as cooperative at Yukito.
He nodded. "I usually get up in the morning, and eat. I eat a lot... enough to feed three or four people. It used to be funny, but it's not anymore." His eyes met mine, and I could see it wasn't out of any concern for his weight. "I simply can't stop eating... and though I love how food tastes, it'd be nice to know what it feels like to be full. I spend thousands of yen a day on food." Yukito's eyes wandered around the room, paused on that object I was getting tempted to throw out the window, before returning to my face.
"Why do you think you eat so much?" I asked, pushing a strand of my black hair behind my ear. Some psychologists might say he was compensating for a lack of love in his life, but I was willing to wager that there was another reason. Yukito was not a textbook case; there was no such thing as a textbook case. People were unique to themselves.
"I don't know," he said.
He was lying, my gut told me. I smiled at him and pretended to buy it; now was not the time to confront him. "Really? That's unusual," I said. "People usually have reasons for overeating- compensation for something," I said. "It might be something to think about for our next session."
He agreed, and I got the feeling that he'd agree to it if I suggested anything. He'd find a way out of it, but Yukito was a person who didn't like to disappoint anyone. I was starting to really care about him, and something worried me. There was something dark inside of him, and it wasn't just Yue. A fully-recognized alter, which I believed Yukito himself was, had its own dark side as well.
I waited for a moment to gather my thoughts, before deciding I was ready to press on. "Can you tell me what it is about Yue... About what he looks like?"
"I've never seen him..." Yukito told me softly before resting his hands on his lap. He gave the impression of being utterly at ease, but I saw that his knuckles were beginning to turn white.
I nodded. "Well... Did he ever tell you what he looks like?"
"No. Yue never talks to me. Whenever he comes out, I black out," Yukito informed me, and now the tenseness seemed to be traveling to his eyes.
I thought for a second. "How often does he come out?"
Yukito thought it over before replying. "It depends. He comes out in times of duress, or... Well, he's very fond of the moon. Do you speak Chinese?"
"No, I never learned. I speak English and some Latin," I replied. I wondered where he was leading me.
"'Yue' is Chinese for moon. He has a real affinity for the night and the moon," Yukito said. "Sometimes, usually on clear nights, I'll black out and... Well, wake up somewhere completely different place well into the morning."
"When you black out, do you have any clue what happened when you regain control?" I asked, trying to gauge where he was on the MPD spectrum.
"No. Yue, though, is aware of everything." He met my eyes and there was a deep sorrow in them, and he seemed to be aware of how significant that was.
Yue... Was most likely the core, I realized. Yukito... Was an alter. Yukito hadn't been kidding when he said he'd been "created" around tenth grade. It made me wonder if there were other personalities in his mind, since it was unheard of for the first split to occur so late in life.
The thought made my stomach drop into my feet. I didn't want to believe that the likable young man who sat before me wasn't "real," but I knew that it was probably true. "Yukito" was merely an identity who bore the name of the body, but was not the "original" personality. He was transitory... Someday, he might fade away, when "Yue" decided that "Yukito" had served the function he had been created for. It worried me, but I knew I had to accept it. I hoped that Yukito's boyfriend could, and would be able to understand the person he loved might suffer a strange form of death while his body lived.
"Are you able to communicate with Yue in any way?" I asked.
"He talks to Sakura quite a bit... Sometimes Touya, but mainly Sakura."
I wondered what Yue, this cold being that was gradually evolving in my mind, had to do with a twelve year old girl. I wished I could speak to him. "Would it be possible for you to give her a note to give to him?" I suggested.
He blinked at me, his glasses making the movement look slightly owlish. "Sure.. But... Why would I want to?"
"Because... Ask him to leave you notes when he leaves you somewhere. Start carrying a small reporter's notebook and a pen, and you'll feel a bit better. Keep an emergency kit on you- a phone card, 5000 yen, that notebook, so if you wind up somewhere really weird, at least you're not stranded."
Yukito smiled shyly. "He hasn't stranded me anywhere... Yet."
"Yet..." I pointed out. "But you're afraid he will."
Yukito nodded. "He's so much... Stronger than I am."
I smiled at him gently. "Strength is how we choose to define it, Yukito-san," I told him softly. "We are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. If you think you are weak... then you are weak. If you believe you are strong... then you become so."
He blinked slowly, removing his glasses to polish them on his shirt. Without them, his eyes looked wider and more innocent, and my maternal instincts urged me to promise him everything would be alright; that was the last thing I would ever do. I could never, ever make a promise, since I had no way of knowing what the future would hold for him. "You sound like Sakura-chan. She's always saying... everything's going to be okay," he whispered softly, as though he was reading my mind. "I hate to think of the day when she learns the world isn't a perfect place..."
"We all hate to think of the day when a child is forced to grow up," I agreed, speaking softly. "It's our nature to want to protect those who are innocent."
His amber eyes looked up at me, without the protective shield of his glasses still, and for a second, I almost got lost in the sorrow I saw there. "Sakura and To-ya don't deserve to have that happen to them... though sometimes I wonder how innocent To-ya ever was... he always...." Yukito broke off, and sighed. Then he replaced his glasses, and a wall went up around him.
"Do you want to tell me a little bit about Touya?" I asked curiously.
Yukito blushed and shook his head. "Touya would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. He's an immensely private person."
"It would help me gain a better picture of your life, Yukito-san," I replied, wondering why he was suddenly erecting barriers around himself. I was getting close to something he wanted to keep secret... but what?
He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Imiyo-san. Some things are private.... Even for me."
I glanced at the clock; we had run over by five minutes. "Yukito, there's a support group for multiples I'd like you-"
"No," he said softly. "I'd rather work one-on-one."
I blinked. He'd been very open at our first session, and I had assumed he would be willing to go; careless of me to make assumptions. "Okay," I agreed. "Shall we say same time next week?"
He agreed, smiling, and the warmth of his expression helped me dismiss some of the uneasiness I felt about the last fifteen minutes of our session.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
September 13
Second session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Some rather interesting developments, none of which should be surprising, though I do find them so.
Yukito reports an unusually large appetite, denied knowing reasons for it when I asked why. I believe him to be lying.
I suspect that Yukito is not the core identity; rather, Yue or some other personality is the true core, and Yukito is merely the controlling alter. .He experiences blackouts whenever Yue takes control, and Yue is known to be fond of doing so without warning. Interestingly, Yue is Chinese for "Moon", and he seems to have a preference for controlling the shared body on clear nights, particular ones with the moons. Yue is also fond of Sakura and to a lesser extent Touya. I do wonder about this; from the way Yukito describes him, the best word to sum Yue up would be "distant".
Yukito is reluctant to speak too much on his relationship with Kinomoto Touya; this actually reassures me that he IS a normal patient. Patients who are too willing to help make me nervous.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Notes:
Again, a focus on Yukito- Yue fans are encouraged to wait a little... he's coming. I prefer to unfold a plot a little more slowly... and then hit people between the eyes with a revelation.