Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: This one is for Xannee, part one of a birthday gift. ^_~ It's Dec. 15, but I figured I'd get the word out to everyone who loves her.
CHAPTER TWO
The concept of time is an interesting thing, when you consider it. To most people, it is a linear thing, finite. But to multiples, like Yukito, time can be a scary thing, especially with the blackouts they experience. I tried to understand what it'd be like to not be able to lead a normal life, to have entire gaps in my memory when friends and family would still interact with me, and yet have no control over myself...
It was terrifying.
Still, time passes for all of us, and before I knew it, the week had gone by, and my next session with Yukito had arrived. I had taken some time to consider a strategy for dealing with him, and was prepared... or so I thought.
He was still three steps ahead of me, even though it would take me weeks to realize it.
I walked out into the waiting room, and to my surprise, it was dark. I wondered if he had abandoned the idea of sessions; not that uncommon, though disappointing. Yukito had come willingly, so I had no way of calling him back, even though I knew he desperately needed help. I nibbled on my lip, wondering if I should call his house and see if he had left.
"Imiyo-san?" a soft voice said. I blinked, nearly jumping out of my skin.
"Yukito-san!" I exclaimed, trying to not let on just how much he had frightened me. "What are you doing here, sitting in the dark?" I demanded, looking at the corner of the room where he reclined. Now that I knew he was there, I saw him, lit by the early evening moonlight. His features, already pale, were bleached to nearly white, and I had the weird feeling that he was some otherworldly creature.
"I'm sorry..." he apologized, sounding genuinely contrite, "I hadn't noticed. I have very good night vision..." I heard the flutter of pages as he shut a book and buried it into his bag.
"You were reading?" I asked. "That's not good for your eyes, and you already wear glasses," I chided him.
He laughed softly. "My vision's not that bad... And Yue doesn't even wear glasses, from what I understand. His eyes are even a different color than mine."
I blinked, wondering. This was more evidence that Yue was, indeed, a fully-recognized alter, if not the core. Sometimes it happened that alters had different vision, and even different eye colors. "What color?" I asked, trying to imagine. Probably a dark brown, I imagined. Or maybe even a hazel...
"Blue," Yukito replied. "Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen."
I wondered how that was possible. There were just certain pigments in the eyes that remained, and though Yukito would certainly look striking with blue eyes, I questioned how they could shift that far. "I'd still like to meet Yue..." I said, venturing bravely. "Can you-"
Yukito shook his head. "He won't like you."
I had been expecting that. "It was a suggestion. Anyway, shall we begin our session?"
Yukito agreed, and we went into my office.
I haven't taken down the dreamcatchers with white feathers, and Yukito seemed as drawn to them as before. He golden eyes lingered on them, and I wondered, not for the first time, what he found so fascinating about them. The symbolism? The white? Did the feathers hold some particular meaning for him?
Or was he just avoiding me?
"How have you been, lately?" I asked, opening up the session with a question which I would try to make our routine. It put the ball into his court, and allowed him to dictate the pace of the session; he could give me the social answer, or he could give me a true answer. After the last session, I was curious as to how he'd respond. I knew now that he was the embodiment of the phrase "still waters run deep." He had lied to me, and though I hadn't had the confidence to call him on it, for fear he'd break off sessions, I knew that there was more to Yukito than just a smiling face... and I didn't mean just Yue.
Yukito had others troubles, the same troubles that a normal person did.
He actually took the time to consider the question. "I've been... Well, things seem to be in a state of equilibrium. Thanks for suggesting the note thing... It's really helping. Yue's only come out twice since, but both times he's left notes..." His eyes darkened. "His handwriting is different than mine. Even though I knew intellectually to expect that, for some reason, I hadn't been prepared emotionally for it. I really... Am only part of someone else."
Offering comfort is not a luxury a councilor is allowed. Honesty is something we cherish, and we try never to lie outright. "That may be the case, Yukito... But just because you're an alter doesn't mean you're not a person in and of yourself," I said, trying to take the middle road. "You've refused to let me help you try integration... So you have to accept that you will never be a complete person. Maybe someday you and Yue can understand each other... And see where the split occurred."
Yukito lowered his dark lashes to shade his eyes from me- they were nearly black, a stunning contrast to his pale skin and silver hair, and had he been a girl, I would have assumed they were false. When he looked up again, he seemed to be serene again. "The split? That's... Complicated. I don't remember it, and I don't think Yue knows the details of it either... Merely that I am necessary for him to function in the mundane world."
Yukito was sparking my curiosity about Yue, naturally enough. Still, this session was about Yukito, and I had to walk that line. "Most people who have multiple personalities form different personalities..."
"...to cope with various tasks life challenges them with," Yukito inserted, interrupting me.
I hid my surprise at his rudeness. He was so soft-spoken that I hadn't thought him capable of being impolite. He was so Japanese, so proper, that I expected him to play by the rules, even though I knew he was a multiple.
Then again, multiples followed no rules, and I needed to remember that. Behind his sweet face, turmoil had to lie. Only severe trauma, usually sexual in nature, could lead to the splits that made a multiple.
I nodded. "That's what most psychologists believe." I took a sip of the tea I had set out before the session, wondering if I dared to venture more deeply into the subject, and then deciding to take the chance. "The mind is a very powerful thing, Yukito-san. It can create its own version of reality. There's been cases of mothers lifting cars off their children, and people have been known to get better simply because they believe they will. Mind over matter works sometimes... Many people believe that multi-personalities arise from the mind believing they exist."
"It's all in my head, you're saying..." he said, and I heard a hint of bitterness in his voice, which sounded wrong in his melodic alto.
I knew I was losing him, and the tenuous trust we had managed to build. "Yes and no. All of our perceptions of the world are in our mind... As are our personalities. I'm not denying that your problems are real; they are. The source of them, though, sprang from your mind and how it chose to cope with a stressor at some point in your life. Your mind create you; therefore you exist."
"I think... Therefore I am?" he asked softly.
I nodded. "That's it exactly. You are real as I am. If it was Yue who created you, he believes in your existence. Therefore, you are real." I looked at him directly. "You've stated that Touya and Sakura have met Yue before... Don't they acknowledge the difference?" I was taking a gamble, but from what he had told me, I believed that it was worth it.
He nodded slowly, and a faint blush touched his white cheeks. "Sakura... she loves me- well, it was a child's crush that she's grown out of." His eyes shone slightly. "It's a bit flattering that someone as sweet as she would choose me for her first love."
I smiled at him. "It's always nice to be liked. What does she think of Yue?"
"Awe... A bit of fear, and caring, but she cares for everyone. Definitely different from how she sees me."
I wondered how it was, to love someone and be afraid of their other personality. Sakura had to be a very special person, to deal with Yukito. Still, it wasn't her who I needed to truly know about. While Sakura was an important person to him, it was Kinomoto Touya who truly was the key to Yukito.
"And Touya?"
"To-ya?" I noticed the breathy pause Yukito used, and I remembered I had heard it before. "To-ya... Is a bit more difficult to understand. Sometimes I think I know exactly what he thinks; others he could be as distant as the stars."
I barely kept from saying that Yukito was probably out in space with him, so they made a good pair. My patient had grown vague again, and he was staring at the dreamcatcher again, though this time, I knew he wasn't seeing it. "Tell me about Touya, then."
"He's... Well, Touya's perfect." Yukito smiled gently. "He always has a way of knowing things you don't want him to, but he never uses it against you. He loves Sakura-chan very much, but I'm his most special person. He'd die for me... And I'd die for him." Yukito's eyes grew serious before he finished. "He's strong and gentle, has a wicked sense of humor, and is fierce in his devotion."
I smiled; it sounded like Touya was a creature of earth and fire to Yukito's water and air. They would be perfect complements. "How serious are you?"
"When we're together, there's nothing else," Yukito told me. "Nothing else matters except us." He gave me another smile.
I look at him, wondering if this was the bloom of first love, or something stronger. With all the suffering Yukito had known, whether he was aware of it or not, I hoped it was stable. "How strong is your relationship?"
Yukito's smile faded slightly. "We've sworn to never let anything - especially not Yue - come between us."
I stared at him as he rose to his feet. "I've got to get going. I'm going to be late - I'm going over to Touya's house to study for a chem test."
I waved at him. "Same time next week?"
"Sure!" He called over his shoulder. He vanished out the door, and I watched, wondering why he hadn't told me what Touya thought of Yue.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
September 20
Third session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues with therapy, though I'm still skeptical over how well he's really doing.
He's a very bright, upbeat young man, but I've found that still waters do run deep. How deep Yukito runs, I don't know, but I have the feeling he's on a collision course for something he doesn't want to admit to me. This is just my gut instinct; everything is proceeding smoothly in therapy. I really should be glad he is so cooperative.
Yukito reports an equilibrium with Yue. Notes are being exchanged, which means communication lines have been opened. Yukito is also struggling to accept the situation - while he intellectually realizes he is a multiple, coming to the emotional acceptance of that reality will be much harder for him.
Yukito has confirmed that Yue has different colored eyes. Yue's eyes are reported to be ice-blue; since Yukito's are the color of my favorite brandy, this is a bit surprising since I didn't believe it possible. I know multiples may not share the same eye colors, but...
The key to helping Yukito may well be Kinomoto Touya. While he has admitted Sakura has acknowledged the difference between Yue and himself, he will not elaborate on Touya, neatly evading the issue. Touya is the most important person to him... I believe he referred to him as his... "special person."
Therapy will continue next week. I plan on introducing Yukito to "The One True Thing" and seeing if mutual trust will work.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Notes: Another part down. We're getting somewhere, and Imiyo is getting deeper and deeper into a place she doesn't understand. I've decided that this is a companion to "The One True Thing" but I'm not going to use that as a bible- why get in the way of a good story? Still, I'm having fun with this.... Poor Imiyo has no clue how right and how wrong she is.
Thanks to Krys for beta-ing. As always, all mistakes are mine.
Feedback is manna from heaven.
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: This one is for Xannee, part one of a birthday gift. ^_~ It's Dec. 15, but I figured I'd get the word out to everyone who loves her.
CHAPTER TWO
The concept of time is an interesting thing, when you consider it. To most people, it is a linear thing, finite. But to multiples, like Yukito, time can be a scary thing, especially with the blackouts they experience. I tried to understand what it'd be like to not be able to lead a normal life, to have entire gaps in my memory when friends and family would still interact with me, and yet have no control over myself...
It was terrifying.
Still, time passes for all of us, and before I knew it, the week had gone by, and my next session with Yukito had arrived. I had taken some time to consider a strategy for dealing with him, and was prepared... or so I thought.
He was still three steps ahead of me, even though it would take me weeks to realize it.
I walked out into the waiting room, and to my surprise, it was dark. I wondered if he had abandoned the idea of sessions; not that uncommon, though disappointing. Yukito had come willingly, so I had no way of calling him back, even though I knew he desperately needed help. I nibbled on my lip, wondering if I should call his house and see if he had left.
"Imiyo-san?" a soft voice said. I blinked, nearly jumping out of my skin.
"Yukito-san!" I exclaimed, trying to not let on just how much he had frightened me. "What are you doing here, sitting in the dark?" I demanded, looking at the corner of the room where he reclined. Now that I knew he was there, I saw him, lit by the early evening moonlight. His features, already pale, were bleached to nearly white, and I had the weird feeling that he was some otherworldly creature.
"I'm sorry..." he apologized, sounding genuinely contrite, "I hadn't noticed. I have very good night vision..." I heard the flutter of pages as he shut a book and buried it into his bag.
"You were reading?" I asked. "That's not good for your eyes, and you already wear glasses," I chided him.
He laughed softly. "My vision's not that bad... And Yue doesn't even wear glasses, from what I understand. His eyes are even a different color than mine."
I blinked, wondering. This was more evidence that Yue was, indeed, a fully-recognized alter, if not the core. Sometimes it happened that alters had different vision, and even different eye colors. "What color?" I asked, trying to imagine. Probably a dark brown, I imagined. Or maybe even a hazel...
"Blue," Yukito replied. "Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen."
I wondered how that was possible. There were just certain pigments in the eyes that remained, and though Yukito would certainly look striking with blue eyes, I questioned how they could shift that far. "I'd still like to meet Yue..." I said, venturing bravely. "Can you-"
Yukito shook his head. "He won't like you."
I had been expecting that. "It was a suggestion. Anyway, shall we begin our session?"
Yukito agreed, and we went into my office.
I haven't taken down the dreamcatchers with white feathers, and Yukito seemed as drawn to them as before. He golden eyes lingered on them, and I wondered, not for the first time, what he found so fascinating about them. The symbolism? The white? Did the feathers hold some particular meaning for him?
Or was he just avoiding me?
"How have you been, lately?" I asked, opening up the session with a question which I would try to make our routine. It put the ball into his court, and allowed him to dictate the pace of the session; he could give me the social answer, or he could give me a true answer. After the last session, I was curious as to how he'd respond. I knew now that he was the embodiment of the phrase "still waters run deep." He had lied to me, and though I hadn't had the confidence to call him on it, for fear he'd break off sessions, I knew that there was more to Yukito than just a smiling face... and I didn't mean just Yue.
Yukito had others troubles, the same troubles that a normal person did.
He actually took the time to consider the question. "I've been... Well, things seem to be in a state of equilibrium. Thanks for suggesting the note thing... It's really helping. Yue's only come out twice since, but both times he's left notes..." His eyes darkened. "His handwriting is different than mine. Even though I knew intellectually to expect that, for some reason, I hadn't been prepared emotionally for it. I really... Am only part of someone else."
Offering comfort is not a luxury a councilor is allowed. Honesty is something we cherish, and we try never to lie outright. "That may be the case, Yukito... But just because you're an alter doesn't mean you're not a person in and of yourself," I said, trying to take the middle road. "You've refused to let me help you try integration... So you have to accept that you will never be a complete person. Maybe someday you and Yue can understand each other... And see where the split occurred."
Yukito lowered his dark lashes to shade his eyes from me- they were nearly black, a stunning contrast to his pale skin and silver hair, and had he been a girl, I would have assumed they were false. When he looked up again, he seemed to be serene again. "The split? That's... Complicated. I don't remember it, and I don't think Yue knows the details of it either... Merely that I am necessary for him to function in the mundane world."
Yukito was sparking my curiosity about Yue, naturally enough. Still, this session was about Yukito, and I had to walk that line. "Most people who have multiple personalities form different personalities..."
"...to cope with various tasks life challenges them with," Yukito inserted, interrupting me.
I hid my surprise at his rudeness. He was so soft-spoken that I hadn't thought him capable of being impolite. He was so Japanese, so proper, that I expected him to play by the rules, even though I knew he was a multiple.
Then again, multiples followed no rules, and I needed to remember that. Behind his sweet face, turmoil had to lie. Only severe trauma, usually sexual in nature, could lead to the splits that made a multiple.
I nodded. "That's what most psychologists believe." I took a sip of the tea I had set out before the session, wondering if I dared to venture more deeply into the subject, and then deciding to take the chance. "The mind is a very powerful thing, Yukito-san. It can create its own version of reality. There's been cases of mothers lifting cars off their children, and people have been known to get better simply because they believe they will. Mind over matter works sometimes... Many people believe that multi-personalities arise from the mind believing they exist."
"It's all in my head, you're saying..." he said, and I heard a hint of bitterness in his voice, which sounded wrong in his melodic alto.
I knew I was losing him, and the tenuous trust we had managed to build. "Yes and no. All of our perceptions of the world are in our mind... As are our personalities. I'm not denying that your problems are real; they are. The source of them, though, sprang from your mind and how it chose to cope with a stressor at some point in your life. Your mind create you; therefore you exist."
"I think... Therefore I am?" he asked softly.
I nodded. "That's it exactly. You are real as I am. If it was Yue who created you, he believes in your existence. Therefore, you are real." I looked at him directly. "You've stated that Touya and Sakura have met Yue before... Don't they acknowledge the difference?" I was taking a gamble, but from what he had told me, I believed that it was worth it.
He nodded slowly, and a faint blush touched his white cheeks. "Sakura... she loves me- well, it was a child's crush that she's grown out of." His eyes shone slightly. "It's a bit flattering that someone as sweet as she would choose me for her first love."
I smiled at him. "It's always nice to be liked. What does she think of Yue?"
"Awe... A bit of fear, and caring, but she cares for everyone. Definitely different from how she sees me."
I wondered how it was, to love someone and be afraid of their other personality. Sakura had to be a very special person, to deal with Yukito. Still, it wasn't her who I needed to truly know about. While Sakura was an important person to him, it was Kinomoto Touya who truly was the key to Yukito.
"And Touya?"
"To-ya?" I noticed the breathy pause Yukito used, and I remembered I had heard it before. "To-ya... Is a bit more difficult to understand. Sometimes I think I know exactly what he thinks; others he could be as distant as the stars."
I barely kept from saying that Yukito was probably out in space with him, so they made a good pair. My patient had grown vague again, and he was staring at the dreamcatcher again, though this time, I knew he wasn't seeing it. "Tell me about Touya, then."
"He's... Well, Touya's perfect." Yukito smiled gently. "He always has a way of knowing things you don't want him to, but he never uses it against you. He loves Sakura-chan very much, but I'm his most special person. He'd die for me... And I'd die for him." Yukito's eyes grew serious before he finished. "He's strong and gentle, has a wicked sense of humor, and is fierce in his devotion."
I smiled; it sounded like Touya was a creature of earth and fire to Yukito's water and air. They would be perfect complements. "How serious are you?"
"When we're together, there's nothing else," Yukito told me. "Nothing else matters except us." He gave me another smile.
I look at him, wondering if this was the bloom of first love, or something stronger. With all the suffering Yukito had known, whether he was aware of it or not, I hoped it was stable. "How strong is your relationship?"
Yukito's smile faded slightly. "We've sworn to never let anything - especially not Yue - come between us."
I stared at him as he rose to his feet. "I've got to get going. I'm going to be late - I'm going over to Touya's house to study for a chem test."
I waved at him. "Same time next week?"
"Sure!" He called over his shoulder. He vanished out the door, and I watched, wondering why he hadn't told me what Touya thought of Yue.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
September 20
Third session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues with therapy, though I'm still skeptical over how well he's really doing.
He's a very bright, upbeat young man, but I've found that still waters do run deep. How deep Yukito runs, I don't know, but I have the feeling he's on a collision course for something he doesn't want to admit to me. This is just my gut instinct; everything is proceeding smoothly in therapy. I really should be glad he is so cooperative.
Yukito reports an equilibrium with Yue. Notes are being exchanged, which means communication lines have been opened. Yukito is also struggling to accept the situation - while he intellectually realizes he is a multiple, coming to the emotional acceptance of that reality will be much harder for him.
Yukito has confirmed that Yue has different colored eyes. Yue's eyes are reported to be ice-blue; since Yukito's are the color of my favorite brandy, this is a bit surprising since I didn't believe it possible. I know multiples may not share the same eye colors, but...
The key to helping Yukito may well be Kinomoto Touya. While he has admitted Sakura has acknowledged the difference between Yue and himself, he will not elaborate on Touya, neatly evading the issue. Touya is the most important person to him... I believe he referred to him as his... "special person."
Therapy will continue next week. I plan on introducing Yukito to "The One True Thing" and seeing if mutual trust will work.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Notes: Another part down. We're getting somewhere, and Imiyo is getting deeper and deeper into a place she doesn't understand. I've decided that this is a companion to "The One True Thing" but I'm not going to use that as a bible- why get in the way of a good story? Still, I'm having fun with this.... Poor Imiyo has no clue how right and how wrong she is.
Thanks to Krys for beta-ing. As always, all mistakes are mine.
Feedback is manna from heaven.