Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Mehg. Because I admire her tremendously... she knows what surviving is.
CHAPTER FOUR
I met Yukito in the lobby instead of calling him into my office since I had to warn him of something about this session.
He was curled up in the chair, and I was relieved that he was reading by a lamp. I was glad, because as we moved into October, the daylight hours were growing shorter. Despite his reassurances, I worried about him damaging his eyesight.
"What are you reading this time?" I asked curiously.
He jumped a bit, apparently startled by my presence. "Um, The Republic," he said. "Government class."
"Heavy reading," I said. "Don't you ever read anything for pleasure?"
"I'm a college student. Pleasure reading went out the window along with doing laundry," he said teasingly.
I raised an eyebrow at his clean, pressed clothing and he gave me that innocent look that I was starting to see through. "I don't buy that..."
He just shrugged a bit and put his book away. "It's prioritizing. If I study while I'm forced to wait, I can spend time with my friends and have time for other activities when I need to."
"Makes sense. Well, least I know you can read that." I pointed to a sign on the wall.
He leaned forward a bit, raising a hand to shift his glasses out of habit. "A licensed therapy dog works here..." he read aloud. "Wait... Do you mean you brought your dog in today, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and he sounded delighted.
I nodded. "Her name is Himitsu. I usually bring her in on Mondays, but every now and then she joins me on other days. Today happened to be one of them." I grinned as I remembered the socialite kicking off her shoes to play with her. It had been amazing, the transition. Kanna was going to have to get a dog. "If you don't like animals, I have a pen in my secretary's office where she spends time. It's okay - some of my clients don't like dogs."
He shook his head, and I could see him almost bouncing with enthusiasm. "I love pets! I always wanted one when I was little, but my grandparents wouldn't let me have one..." Again, he was contradicting himself. Yukito had stated earlier that he hadn't existed until tenth grade... Did he have the memories of some other personality, or were they created memories? Just how complete was the Yukito alter? How much of the original personality did he contain.... How close was he to the core? I pushed the questions to the back of my mind, knowing that I should consider them when he wasn't around.
"I'm sure you'll like Himitsu," I said as I led him towards my office. "She's a golden lab. Once every two weeks we go to hospitals and visit patients there... She's amazingly gentle."
"I've heard about therapy animals. And I know animals are wonderful companions. They'll never betray you," he said softly.
My hand hesitated over the doorknob. "Have you been betrayed before?"
"I think life is full of betrayals, great and small," he replied. "It's how we deal with them that determines who we become."
I wanted to press him on it, but the hallway wasn't the place, especially since the session hadn't officially begun. I sighed inwardly in frustration and pushed the door open. "Himitsu, come and meet Yukito-san," I called.
The beautiful golden lab who had been my companion for six years rose off her doggie bed and came over, her dark eyes sparkling. Yukito held his hand out for her to sniff, and she took his scent before placing her head under it, obviously approving of the young man.
"Hello, Himitsu-san. It's nice to meet you," he said, and he looked directly at her. Yukito was talking to her, and there seemed to be genuine communication between them. "She likes you," I said. "She's trained to like people, but it's genuine." I watched her lean against his long legs and smiled as I headed toward my chair, grabbing the cup of tea I had prepared just before he had arrived. Hopefully, I could refrain from dumping it on my plants in his presence. "If you're not careful, she'll be all over you!" I warned him.
"It's fine!" he declared, sinking to the floor to bury his hands in her long fur. His smile was bright and childlike and I could see that Himitsu was responding well to him when he rubbed behind her right ear. "Why did you name her Himitsu? I'd think that's a better name for a cat..."
I grinned. "My cat's name is Miss Lily," I said. "Himitsu... Well, we all have secrets, and she's a better listener than my cat. So she's my secret, since she never tells."
He thought on that, before nodding in agreement. "I think we all have people who keep our secrets."
"Do you? Aside from me, that is? Do you have a friend who keeps secrets for you?"
"To-ya." Yukito sighed a bit. "He knows me better than I know myself. He kept trying to tell me about Yue before I even knew," he murmured, and I swiveled in my chair to watch him, since he had apparently decided to make himself at home on the floor with Himitsu - two clients in a row choosing the dog over a chair. Himitsu was doing great today.
"Often times a family member or friend suspects the existence of MPD before the person. Did he formally meet Yue, or just have suspicions?"
"I... Well, I think he saw Yue, but they never really interacted. He confronted me, and it brought Yue out."
"So Yue will come out on command? I mean, you can summon him?" I asked curiously.
Yukito looked a bit nervous. "I wouldn't put it like that. Yue's strong-willed. He came out because he chose to, not because he was asked to."
"Can you ask him to?"
"He won't meet you, Imiyo-san," he said firmly. "He's not into this therapy thing."
"I didn't mean that," I said hastily. "You've made it clear that he wouldn't meet me. I mean, can YOU ask him to come out? If you feel stressed, or maybe you're uncomfortable with a situation? Can you ask Yue to come out and take over?" I asked.
Yukito's hands stilled. "I wouldn't want to. There's no reason for me to run from life. Living may be difficult, but it's my life, and I don't run from things." He laughed as Himitsu butted against him to encourage him to continue. "Sorry, Himitsu-san!" Though he was gentle, Yukito wasn't weak, I noted with satisfaction. He wasn't the personality Yue was protecting. I remembered the ruthlessness he had displayed at the end of our last session, the knowledge that he could kill. That was within most of us, that primitive side, but for Yukito to recognize it was something.
I was musing on that when I noticed a rather large white bandage on Yukito's hand. It covered most of his thumb and looked out of place on his slender hands.
He noticed me looking and blushed a bit. "Accident," he murmured.
"Really?" I wondered. "It looked pretty bad, it you have all that gauze on it."
"Kitchen knife... I'll have a bit of a scar, but it should heal fine." His eyes avoided mine, and I knew he wanted to avoid telling me the truth about this.
To press or not to press? I thought, then decided to go for it. "Yukito-san... What kind of 'accident?'" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. My expression made it clear that I wasn't buying his lame excuses.
"Um..." and he blushed. The crimson stood out against his pale cheeks, and I was struck, not for the first time, but his beauty. He wasn't handsome; he transcended it. If I had been twenty years younger, I would have been in danger of gaining a serious crush. Now I could admire him with the detached interest of an art lover, his striking looks fascinating, but not tempting me.
"Yukito..." I repeated to get his attention, and by dropping the honorific, I made it clear that I wanted answers.
"igdfdds," he muttered, and he looked supremely embarrassed.
"Yukito, I'm old. You need to speak clearly," I told him sternly.
He stared down into Himitsu's fur with embarrassment. "To-ya and I got drunk."
I blinked at him a bit. Then I took a deep breath, trying to think what to say. "You... Got drunk..." I echoed. I wasn't his judge, but from what I knew of Yukito, it sounded decidedly out of character. He was so clean cut that he practically shone.
"Isn't that what I just said?" he asked a bit testily. "I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon... I had the worst hangover. To-ya, of course, got off without anything." He seemed a bit disgruntled, not that I blamed him. I remembered my wilder days, and part of the fun of getting drunk was the shared misery the morning after.
"Okay. You got drunk... Since you're not on any medications that I know of and you do have the brains not to drink and drive, that's not a problem. Usually I let people keep their drunken antics out of the therapy room, since they tend to be a bit embarrassing and unless you have a drinking problem, it's normal enough to indulge. But - how the heck did you end up hurting yourself?" I demanded.
He somehow managed to shift himself around so Himitsu was between us. Great... Use my dog as a shield... I thought sarcastically. I'm not that scary, am I?
"Well..." He started, and from the way his eyes shifted upwards, I could tell he was about to lie.
"Don't lie. Yukito, tell me you don't want to say anything, but don't lie to me," I told him softly. It was time to start confronting him, I knew. I wasn't ready to start tearing down the large lies I knew he had been telling, but I knew that the little untruths had to go.
He looked startled, then raised a finger to his nose to push his glasses up. "It's... Okay to say nothing?"
"Sometimes we can keep secrets," I told him. "But you're here because you've been keeping secrets until you thought you were ready to burst..." I told him.
I studied the delicate young man who sat curled on the floor with the golden lab, and wondered why he couldn't be as pure and perfect as he looked. "My entire life has been a secret," he said. "I wish..." he started, then stopped to start again a moment later. "But how do you know what the truth is?"
"You don't. There is no such thing as absolute truth, merely interpretations of what's happening around us." I took a sip of my tea, and waved a hand around my room. "Everything, our reality, is a matter of perception... But we begin to perceive by telling what we believe our truth is to others. By sharing ourselves with others, we relieve the pressure of falsehood and darkness."
Yukito seemed to have thought of that already. "I'm a creature of the darkness... I was never meant to be truthful," he said softly. "At least... A part of me is."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He shut his eyes, and I could see that he was struggling to find the right words to express himself. "Do you know about the yin yang?" he asked.
"You mean the little squiggly symbol?" I asked. "Sure. I used to wear them all the time when they were in fashion," I replied, deliberately playing dense. I knew he meant a bit more by what he was saying, but I needed him to explain it to me, rather than letting him take the easy way.
He frowned a bit. "It's more than that. It's about balance. Between darkness and light, cold and hot, male and female, action and inaction."
I tilted my head. "Do you strive to achieve that balance?"
Yukito seemed incredibly sad for some reason. "It's impossible. Yue was created to be one side of that balance... And I came from him." He stroked Himitsu, who lay against his leg, her breathing calm and even as she looked at him without judgement.
"What side of the balance?" I asked after reflecting on what he said.
"What do you think?" he replied softly, and a mysterious smile played at his lips.
"I won't answer that for you," I told him. "That's too close to judging you... And I think you already have your own answer."
"I do." He sighed, and stared at his hand.
I sighed right back at him and looked at the injury. "Are you going to tell me how you got that? Aside from the drunk bit? Or were you so sloshed you don't remember?"
"Maybe I should start by telling a small truth," he mused. He smiled at me, and this time, there was no darkness in it. "I was... A bit out of control. A bit angry about how my life is, how Yue always has control. And so I wanted to do something outlandish... Something to lash out."
I kept my face neutral, while flinching a bit inside. Oh, lord, I thought. He's becoming self-destructive. I hadn't foreseen it.... I'd thought him more in control and more stable...
"So I had To-ya over. Well, I kind of made him drink some sake with me... The strongest stuff I could find."
"Uh-huh..." I nodded, while wincing even more inside. Yukito was so small - he must have been drunk after three sips.
"Well, eventually I started raging. I'm not a nice drunk, apparently."
I sniggered a bit mentally. "Alcohol lowers our inhibitions."
"I know. I started raging about how I hated Yue... and how I hated not being real. To-ya..." Yukito shut his eyes, and cradled his hand and his chest protectively. "He grabbed a knife I had taken up for cutting some food, and he cut himself... Then he cut me."
I stared at him. "Yukito!"
"It wasn't abuse... It was to make a point." He stared at his fingers as though they fascinated him. "I'm human. He held our hands together, and our blood was the same color... I never realized that before."
I looked at Yukito, and it was then I realized how distant from the rest of humanity he must feel. Rising from my chair, I set aside my cup, and went over to where he sat with Himitsu, violating one of the unspoken rules of counseling. Never touch a client.
"Yukito... We all sometimes feel apart from those we love... and blood is the very essence of life. But... can you promise me not to study yours?" I asked hesitantly.
He looked at me. "You're worried I'll start cutting," he said. He removed his good hand from Himitsu's head, and took mine. His hands were cool, making me think instantly of the old saying, 'cold hands, warm heart.'
"Yes."
He studied me before his smile bloomed. "I won't. I... learned what I needed to."
"I'll keep you to that," I said, taking his chin in my palm so I could stare him down. "Just this once, I'll let it slide, but I don't want you getting hurt again."
His smile seemed brilliant as he left Himitsu so he could lean over and hug me, a clear breach of the patient/doctor boundary. "I promise to take care of myself," he whispered.
The next sessions I learned more about Yukito, and he spun me deeper into his web, and I fell into it, thinking that I was the one in control when in truth he was. Our sessions progressed, and things remained at a stasis point - I thought I had his trust, when in truth I did not. It was after the eighth session, though that things changed. It was then I broke all the rules... and had to pay the price.
I met Yue.
^^^^^^
September 27
Fifth session with Tsukishiro Yukito. And a headache developing.
Wondering if I should shift myself out of counseling Yukito because he's simply too lovable for his own good. It's hard to maintain the necessary distance to maintain objectivity, and I know I'm failing.
Yukito is very alone, and brings out my mothering instincts. Still, we've built a rapport, and shifting him to another counselor may do irreparable harm. I have the feeling that this alter has some severe abandonment issues. Okay, enough of that. Yukito got along well with Himitsu, to no surprise. Himitsu took to him immediately, and I wouldn't be surprised if all dogs and children would. He has that type of personality - kids and animals would love him. He's gentle and it shines from him.
A few surprises, which shouldn't surprise me by now. He's complex. I need to get that through my skull. Patient does drink, but apparently has learned his lesson. Good thing, because he's too small to handle much, hypermetabolism or not. He had a cut on his hand from a knife, inflicted by Kinomoto Touya, his lover. Patient seems fascinated by the subject of his blood being the same as everyone else's... and seems to think this is a form of assuring himself of his own reality.
Yukito has promised not to cut himself to pursue this, and I'm going to keep a watch out for this. I want to trust him, but... Yukito also went on about secrets, and his nature to keep them. We discussed truth, but Yukito came from secrets. He seems open and honest but there's something hidden about him. It's not about MPD - it's his personality.
On the Yue front, Yukito has told me that Kinomoto Touya suspected the existence of Yue before Yukito himself did. Touya is also the catalyst whom brought the actual existence of Yue to Yukito's attention. I admit to being a bit concerned about the relationship, but Yukito relies on Touya for many of his emotional needs. The patient needs to work on creating a wider range of support, since he seems to be almost entirely dependant on Touya and Touya's younger sister, Sakura. I'm not sure if Touya fostered this dependence or not - instinct says not. Actually, Touya may be the first bridge to the outside world... I'm wagering that Touya is Yukito's first attempt at forming a serious relationship. MPD comes from emotional and physical trauma, after all.
Yukito has some memories which exist before his creation - whether they're false or belong to a previous personality, I don't know. Yukito also let it slip that he sprang from Yue. Now I need to determine if Yue is the core, or if there's another core personality under Yue.
Therapy will continue, and I will monitor him for cutting. Aside from that, I'll follow his lead. He's as unpredictable as the wind.
^^^^^^
Notes:
Things are about to hit the fan....
The Windy is also Under Yue.
I hope everyone sees that "The One True Thing" falls between chapter 3 and 4.
"Himitsu" is secret in Japanese.
The yin yang is pretty well explained in here... if you didn't know, Yue actually is the "yin" half... dark, night, inaction, and female!
Credit, as always, to Krystal for beta and Lyra for rescuing me from my computer problems!
Credit Gold, for her fic "After the Fact." Our repeated taunts have done wonders for my motivation. Michelle, thanks for your in-depth thoughts - and you're amazingly perceptive. TamChronin and Peacewish, thanks for the comments - I like to see authors I admire reviewing - unfortunately, I can't return the favor right now because my comp won't function on ff.net (I have to have someone else upload chapters even!). Waku-chan, Sinnatious, dream4ever, Lau, Emily-chan, L-chan, Mateem Bluewing, kira, Bluegoo, kawaii-michiru, quidditchgirl, Potenial Writer, Ina-chan, Askani Blue, Neko-chan and skittle - I hope I disappoint. I also hope I didn't miss anyone... How do people manage to name everyone in credits? ^^;;
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Mehg. Because I admire her tremendously... she knows what surviving is.
CHAPTER FOUR
I met Yukito in the lobby instead of calling him into my office since I had to warn him of something about this session.
He was curled up in the chair, and I was relieved that he was reading by a lamp. I was glad, because as we moved into October, the daylight hours were growing shorter. Despite his reassurances, I worried about him damaging his eyesight.
"What are you reading this time?" I asked curiously.
He jumped a bit, apparently startled by my presence. "Um, The Republic," he said. "Government class."
"Heavy reading," I said. "Don't you ever read anything for pleasure?"
"I'm a college student. Pleasure reading went out the window along with doing laundry," he said teasingly.
I raised an eyebrow at his clean, pressed clothing and he gave me that innocent look that I was starting to see through. "I don't buy that..."
He just shrugged a bit and put his book away. "It's prioritizing. If I study while I'm forced to wait, I can spend time with my friends and have time for other activities when I need to."
"Makes sense. Well, least I know you can read that." I pointed to a sign on the wall.
He leaned forward a bit, raising a hand to shift his glasses out of habit. "A licensed therapy dog works here..." he read aloud. "Wait... Do you mean you brought your dog in today, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and he sounded delighted.
I nodded. "Her name is Himitsu. I usually bring her in on Mondays, but every now and then she joins me on other days. Today happened to be one of them." I grinned as I remembered the socialite kicking off her shoes to play with her. It had been amazing, the transition. Kanna was going to have to get a dog. "If you don't like animals, I have a pen in my secretary's office where she spends time. It's okay - some of my clients don't like dogs."
He shook his head, and I could see him almost bouncing with enthusiasm. "I love pets! I always wanted one when I was little, but my grandparents wouldn't let me have one..." Again, he was contradicting himself. Yukito had stated earlier that he hadn't existed until tenth grade... Did he have the memories of some other personality, or were they created memories? Just how complete was the Yukito alter? How much of the original personality did he contain.... How close was he to the core? I pushed the questions to the back of my mind, knowing that I should consider them when he wasn't around.
"I'm sure you'll like Himitsu," I said as I led him towards my office. "She's a golden lab. Once every two weeks we go to hospitals and visit patients there... She's amazingly gentle."
"I've heard about therapy animals. And I know animals are wonderful companions. They'll never betray you," he said softly.
My hand hesitated over the doorknob. "Have you been betrayed before?"
"I think life is full of betrayals, great and small," he replied. "It's how we deal with them that determines who we become."
I wanted to press him on it, but the hallway wasn't the place, especially since the session hadn't officially begun. I sighed inwardly in frustration and pushed the door open. "Himitsu, come and meet Yukito-san," I called.
The beautiful golden lab who had been my companion for six years rose off her doggie bed and came over, her dark eyes sparkling. Yukito held his hand out for her to sniff, and she took his scent before placing her head under it, obviously approving of the young man.
"Hello, Himitsu-san. It's nice to meet you," he said, and he looked directly at her. Yukito was talking to her, and there seemed to be genuine communication between them. "She likes you," I said. "She's trained to like people, but it's genuine." I watched her lean against his long legs and smiled as I headed toward my chair, grabbing the cup of tea I had prepared just before he had arrived. Hopefully, I could refrain from dumping it on my plants in his presence. "If you're not careful, she'll be all over you!" I warned him.
"It's fine!" he declared, sinking to the floor to bury his hands in her long fur. His smile was bright and childlike and I could see that Himitsu was responding well to him when he rubbed behind her right ear. "Why did you name her Himitsu? I'd think that's a better name for a cat..."
I grinned. "My cat's name is Miss Lily," I said. "Himitsu... Well, we all have secrets, and she's a better listener than my cat. So she's my secret, since she never tells."
He thought on that, before nodding in agreement. "I think we all have people who keep our secrets."
"Do you? Aside from me, that is? Do you have a friend who keeps secrets for you?"
"To-ya." Yukito sighed a bit. "He knows me better than I know myself. He kept trying to tell me about Yue before I even knew," he murmured, and I swiveled in my chair to watch him, since he had apparently decided to make himself at home on the floor with Himitsu - two clients in a row choosing the dog over a chair. Himitsu was doing great today.
"Often times a family member or friend suspects the existence of MPD before the person. Did he formally meet Yue, or just have suspicions?"
"I... Well, I think he saw Yue, but they never really interacted. He confronted me, and it brought Yue out."
"So Yue will come out on command? I mean, you can summon him?" I asked curiously.
Yukito looked a bit nervous. "I wouldn't put it like that. Yue's strong-willed. He came out because he chose to, not because he was asked to."
"Can you ask him to?"
"He won't meet you, Imiyo-san," he said firmly. "He's not into this therapy thing."
"I didn't mean that," I said hastily. "You've made it clear that he wouldn't meet me. I mean, can YOU ask him to come out? If you feel stressed, or maybe you're uncomfortable with a situation? Can you ask Yue to come out and take over?" I asked.
Yukito's hands stilled. "I wouldn't want to. There's no reason for me to run from life. Living may be difficult, but it's my life, and I don't run from things." He laughed as Himitsu butted against him to encourage him to continue. "Sorry, Himitsu-san!" Though he was gentle, Yukito wasn't weak, I noted with satisfaction. He wasn't the personality Yue was protecting. I remembered the ruthlessness he had displayed at the end of our last session, the knowledge that he could kill. That was within most of us, that primitive side, but for Yukito to recognize it was something.
I was musing on that when I noticed a rather large white bandage on Yukito's hand. It covered most of his thumb and looked out of place on his slender hands.
He noticed me looking and blushed a bit. "Accident," he murmured.
"Really?" I wondered. "It looked pretty bad, it you have all that gauze on it."
"Kitchen knife... I'll have a bit of a scar, but it should heal fine." His eyes avoided mine, and I knew he wanted to avoid telling me the truth about this.
To press or not to press? I thought, then decided to go for it. "Yukito-san... What kind of 'accident?'" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. My expression made it clear that I wasn't buying his lame excuses.
"Um..." and he blushed. The crimson stood out against his pale cheeks, and I was struck, not for the first time, but his beauty. He wasn't handsome; he transcended it. If I had been twenty years younger, I would have been in danger of gaining a serious crush. Now I could admire him with the detached interest of an art lover, his striking looks fascinating, but not tempting me.
"Yukito..." I repeated to get his attention, and by dropping the honorific, I made it clear that I wanted answers.
"igdfdds," he muttered, and he looked supremely embarrassed.
"Yukito, I'm old. You need to speak clearly," I told him sternly.
He stared down into Himitsu's fur with embarrassment. "To-ya and I got drunk."
I blinked at him a bit. Then I took a deep breath, trying to think what to say. "You... Got drunk..." I echoed. I wasn't his judge, but from what I knew of Yukito, it sounded decidedly out of character. He was so clean cut that he practically shone.
"Isn't that what I just said?" he asked a bit testily. "I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon... I had the worst hangover. To-ya, of course, got off without anything." He seemed a bit disgruntled, not that I blamed him. I remembered my wilder days, and part of the fun of getting drunk was the shared misery the morning after.
"Okay. You got drunk... Since you're not on any medications that I know of and you do have the brains not to drink and drive, that's not a problem. Usually I let people keep their drunken antics out of the therapy room, since they tend to be a bit embarrassing and unless you have a drinking problem, it's normal enough to indulge. But - how the heck did you end up hurting yourself?" I demanded.
He somehow managed to shift himself around so Himitsu was between us. Great... Use my dog as a shield... I thought sarcastically. I'm not that scary, am I?
"Well..." He started, and from the way his eyes shifted upwards, I could tell he was about to lie.
"Don't lie. Yukito, tell me you don't want to say anything, but don't lie to me," I told him softly. It was time to start confronting him, I knew. I wasn't ready to start tearing down the large lies I knew he had been telling, but I knew that the little untruths had to go.
He looked startled, then raised a finger to his nose to push his glasses up. "It's... Okay to say nothing?"
"Sometimes we can keep secrets," I told him. "But you're here because you've been keeping secrets until you thought you were ready to burst..." I told him.
I studied the delicate young man who sat curled on the floor with the golden lab, and wondered why he couldn't be as pure and perfect as he looked. "My entire life has been a secret," he said. "I wish..." he started, then stopped to start again a moment later. "But how do you know what the truth is?"
"You don't. There is no such thing as absolute truth, merely interpretations of what's happening around us." I took a sip of my tea, and waved a hand around my room. "Everything, our reality, is a matter of perception... But we begin to perceive by telling what we believe our truth is to others. By sharing ourselves with others, we relieve the pressure of falsehood and darkness."
Yukito seemed to have thought of that already. "I'm a creature of the darkness... I was never meant to be truthful," he said softly. "At least... A part of me is."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He shut his eyes, and I could see that he was struggling to find the right words to express himself. "Do you know about the yin yang?" he asked.
"You mean the little squiggly symbol?" I asked. "Sure. I used to wear them all the time when they were in fashion," I replied, deliberately playing dense. I knew he meant a bit more by what he was saying, but I needed him to explain it to me, rather than letting him take the easy way.
He frowned a bit. "It's more than that. It's about balance. Between darkness and light, cold and hot, male and female, action and inaction."
I tilted my head. "Do you strive to achieve that balance?"
Yukito seemed incredibly sad for some reason. "It's impossible. Yue was created to be one side of that balance... And I came from him." He stroked Himitsu, who lay against his leg, her breathing calm and even as she looked at him without judgement.
"What side of the balance?" I asked after reflecting on what he said.
"What do you think?" he replied softly, and a mysterious smile played at his lips.
"I won't answer that for you," I told him. "That's too close to judging you... And I think you already have your own answer."
"I do." He sighed, and stared at his hand.
I sighed right back at him and looked at the injury. "Are you going to tell me how you got that? Aside from the drunk bit? Or were you so sloshed you don't remember?"
"Maybe I should start by telling a small truth," he mused. He smiled at me, and this time, there was no darkness in it. "I was... A bit out of control. A bit angry about how my life is, how Yue always has control. And so I wanted to do something outlandish... Something to lash out."
I kept my face neutral, while flinching a bit inside. Oh, lord, I thought. He's becoming self-destructive. I hadn't foreseen it.... I'd thought him more in control and more stable...
"So I had To-ya over. Well, I kind of made him drink some sake with me... The strongest stuff I could find."
"Uh-huh..." I nodded, while wincing even more inside. Yukito was so small - he must have been drunk after three sips.
"Well, eventually I started raging. I'm not a nice drunk, apparently."
I sniggered a bit mentally. "Alcohol lowers our inhibitions."
"I know. I started raging about how I hated Yue... and how I hated not being real. To-ya..." Yukito shut his eyes, and cradled his hand and his chest protectively. "He grabbed a knife I had taken up for cutting some food, and he cut himself... Then he cut me."
I stared at him. "Yukito!"
"It wasn't abuse... It was to make a point." He stared at his fingers as though they fascinated him. "I'm human. He held our hands together, and our blood was the same color... I never realized that before."
I looked at Yukito, and it was then I realized how distant from the rest of humanity he must feel. Rising from my chair, I set aside my cup, and went over to where he sat with Himitsu, violating one of the unspoken rules of counseling. Never touch a client.
"Yukito... We all sometimes feel apart from those we love... and blood is the very essence of life. But... can you promise me not to study yours?" I asked hesitantly.
He looked at me. "You're worried I'll start cutting," he said. He removed his good hand from Himitsu's head, and took mine. His hands were cool, making me think instantly of the old saying, 'cold hands, warm heart.'
"Yes."
He studied me before his smile bloomed. "I won't. I... learned what I needed to."
"I'll keep you to that," I said, taking his chin in my palm so I could stare him down. "Just this once, I'll let it slide, but I don't want you getting hurt again."
His smile seemed brilliant as he left Himitsu so he could lean over and hug me, a clear breach of the patient/doctor boundary. "I promise to take care of myself," he whispered.
The next sessions I learned more about Yukito, and he spun me deeper into his web, and I fell into it, thinking that I was the one in control when in truth he was. Our sessions progressed, and things remained at a stasis point - I thought I had his trust, when in truth I did not. It was after the eighth session, though that things changed. It was then I broke all the rules... and had to pay the price.
I met Yue.
^^^^^^
September 27
Fifth session with Tsukishiro Yukito. And a headache developing.
Wondering if I should shift myself out of counseling Yukito because he's simply too lovable for his own good. It's hard to maintain the necessary distance to maintain objectivity, and I know I'm failing.
Yukito is very alone, and brings out my mothering instincts. Still, we've built a rapport, and shifting him to another counselor may do irreparable harm. I have the feeling that this alter has some severe abandonment issues. Okay, enough of that. Yukito got along well with Himitsu, to no surprise. Himitsu took to him immediately, and I wouldn't be surprised if all dogs and children would. He has that type of personality - kids and animals would love him. He's gentle and it shines from him.
A few surprises, which shouldn't surprise me by now. He's complex. I need to get that through my skull. Patient does drink, but apparently has learned his lesson. Good thing, because he's too small to handle much, hypermetabolism or not. He had a cut on his hand from a knife, inflicted by Kinomoto Touya, his lover. Patient seems fascinated by the subject of his blood being the same as everyone else's... and seems to think this is a form of assuring himself of his own reality.
Yukito has promised not to cut himself to pursue this, and I'm going to keep a watch out for this. I want to trust him, but... Yukito also went on about secrets, and his nature to keep them. We discussed truth, but Yukito came from secrets. He seems open and honest but there's something hidden about him. It's not about MPD - it's his personality.
On the Yue front, Yukito has told me that Kinomoto Touya suspected the existence of Yue before Yukito himself did. Touya is also the catalyst whom brought the actual existence of Yue to Yukito's attention. I admit to being a bit concerned about the relationship, but Yukito relies on Touya for many of his emotional needs. The patient needs to work on creating a wider range of support, since he seems to be almost entirely dependant on Touya and Touya's younger sister, Sakura. I'm not sure if Touya fostered this dependence or not - instinct says not. Actually, Touya may be the first bridge to the outside world... I'm wagering that Touya is Yukito's first attempt at forming a serious relationship. MPD comes from emotional and physical trauma, after all.
Yukito has some memories which exist before his creation - whether they're false or belong to a previous personality, I don't know. Yukito also let it slip that he sprang from Yue. Now I need to determine if Yue is the core, or if there's another core personality under Yue.
Therapy will continue, and I will monitor him for cutting. Aside from that, I'll follow his lead. He's as unpredictable as the wind.
^^^^^^
Notes:
Things are about to hit the fan....
The Windy is also Under Yue.
I hope everyone sees that "The One True Thing" falls between chapter 3 and 4.
"Himitsu" is secret in Japanese.
The yin yang is pretty well explained in here... if you didn't know, Yue actually is the "yin" half... dark, night, inaction, and female!
Credit, as always, to Krystal for beta and Lyra for rescuing me from my computer problems!
Credit Gold, for her fic "After the Fact." Our repeated taunts have done wonders for my motivation. Michelle, thanks for your in-depth thoughts - and you're amazingly perceptive. TamChronin and Peacewish, thanks for the comments - I like to see authors I admire reviewing - unfortunately, I can't return the favor right now because my comp won't function on ff.net (I have to have someone else upload chapters even!). Waku-chan, Sinnatious, dream4ever, Lau, Emily-chan, L-chan, Mateem Bluewing, kira, Bluegoo, kawaii-michiru, quidditchgirl, Potenial Writer, Ina-chan, Askani Blue, Neko-chan and skittle - I hope I disappoint. I also hope I didn't miss anyone... How do people manage to name everyone in credits? ^^;;